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Pineapple Express (film)

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Pineapple Express is a 2008 action comedy film about a process server and his marijuana dealer who wind up on the run from hitmen and a corrupt police officer after he witnesses his dealer's boss murder a competitor while trying to serve papers on him.

Directed by David Gordon Green. Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg.
Put this in your pipe and smoke it.

Dialogue

[edit]
Private Miller : Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice o' butter... melting on top of a big ol' pile of flapjacks. [pause] Yeah.
Saul: [Jumps into a dumpster] I think we should stay here.
Dale: Why?
Saul: 'Cause I am in the dumpster already.
Saul: My favorite part of this was when we were in the car chase.
Red: You guys were in a car chase? Aw, man, that must have been sweet!
Saul: Yeah, it was, man. I had my leg stuck in the windshield and everything!
Saul: I can't see. The wipers don't work!
Dale: Well, kick the windshield out. Isn't that what they do?
Saul: [kicks his leg through the windshield] Ouch! Fuck! I think I pulled my groin!
Saul: Why are we even here? This place is so fuckin' scary!
Dale: At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up!
Saul: That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's".
Dale: What else?
Red: Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're like in a drug war right now.
Dale: The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians!
Saul: It's true.
Dale: What Asians?
Red: Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um--
Saul: Viet Cong?
Red: Yeah, little--little--just, little Asian people, like...the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.
Dale: Okay, even if he found that roach, how could he know where you are?
Saul: Um, heat seeking missiles...um, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas.
Dale: I'm just--I'm kinda flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale: Not a compliment.
Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here.
Dale: [sarcastically] Okay... Uh, let's go. No. It's not working. The battery's dead.
Saul: Wait...what do you mean, it's dead?
Dale: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead.
Saul: No, no. What do you mean, the battery's dead?
Dale: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
Dale: Well, we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and—
Saul: Aw, man...talk radio?
Dale: Yes, talk radio.
Saul: So boring, man. The car just committed suicide.

[while Dale and Saul are visiting Red]

Dale: Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. [to Saul] Just ask him.
Red: [while frosting a cake] Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here.
Dale: That's great. Just--
Red: We got a lot of time to hang out. I'm making a fucking cake.
Dale: No shit. [to Saul] Just ask him, man.
Saul: Can I have a piece of that?
Dale: What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece.
Saul: [to Red] I can't have a piece of that?
Red: [is almost done frosting the cake] No, you cannot have a piece. This is private. You know what today is?
Saul: Tuesday.
Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
Dale: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh?
Dale: Sorry.
Red: All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.
Saul: Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to heaven.
Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.
Dale: You're sure we can trust this guy?
Saul: Yo, Red.
Red: Who is it?
Saul: It's Bruce.
Red: Bruce? Who the fuck is this? Saul. What's up?
Saul: Who do you think it is?
Red: Who's this?
Dale: I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you.
Red: Dale who?
Dale: It's best if you don't know my full name.
Saul: Dale Denton. Don't worry, he's with me.
Red: Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro. Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay?
Saul: You better.
Red: Get in here.
Saul: Coming in.
Red: Y'all Wanna buy some drugs?
Saul: Frisk me.
Red: What's up? What's up? What's up?
Saul: Get it.
Red: Give it. Give it. Look at that, huh? What's up, players?
Saul: What's up?
Red: I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking scholarship. Chilling. What's up with the clothes?
Saul: Oh, we were camping.
Red: Camping?
Saul: Yeah.
Dale: Is your, uh...is your lip okay, man?
Saul: You been crying?
Red: [clearly bruised and cut] Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so, uh, I started to cry. I think it's like a lot worse than it looks though. It's like a simple kind of...
Saul: [interrupting Red] S-so...does that mean fuckin' herpes?
Red: Yeah, y-yeah. Yes it does.
Saul: Wow! Fuckin' sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?
Red: I know, I'm a disgusting person.
Saul: Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!
Red: Ya, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical...ointment on it. I've been taking Vicodin. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.
Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man. You ate that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it.
Red: Out of her vagina. Remember what you did? What did you do? You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthole.
Saul: You fucking said you wouldn't tell. You sowed your own poison, man.
Dale: Look, uh, we don't want to bring you into what we're in, okay? You don't want any trouble, we don't wanna give you trouble, so it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay?
Red: You don't think I can handle danger?
Dale: What are you talking about?
Saul: He can!
Red: I totally can! And for you to come into my house, and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... Well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, okay? 'Cause look at this!
[Red shows Dale his armpits and points to them along with Saul]
Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro! Okay?
Dale: What's the significance of that?
Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger!
Dale: Okay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express? That's all we need to know.
Red: Uh-uh.
Saul: Uh-huh.
Dale: U-huh.
Red: Uh-uh.
Dale: Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"?
Red: It's "uh-uh".
Saul: There it is, man. Cleared. Over. Everything's fine. I told you, bro. We had a wacky night in the woods...but we both can put that behind us like adults. Now it's time to get super-duper high. Got that bong I got in Tel Aviv?
Red: Bong Mitzvah. Hit it up, dude.
Saul: Yes.
Red: There you go. Why don’t you follow his league and just chill out, man?
Dale: I’m chill. I’m chill as a cucumber, man.
Red: You don’t seem chill.
Dale: More chill than you.
Red: You’re more chill than me? Look what I’m wearing. Kimono, dawg. What are you wearing?
Dale: A suit.
Red: Yeah, exactly. I don’t know what’s up with you, but I don’t know if I like you.
Dale: Well, I don’t know if I like you either, man.
Red: Well, that’s your loss, because I’m a great friend. I’mma use the telefono to call my wife, okay?
Dale: Give her a call.
Red: I will.
Dale: Go ahead.
Red: Don’t pay attention to what I’m saying.
Dale: Oh, I won’t.
Dale: Aren't you angry at Ted?
Red: Yeah, I'm really mad at him...
Dale: Well, whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?
Red: Maybe...maybe that'd be cool to do to him.
Red: Seriously! I know this sounds weird, but can we be best friends? Just us? For real?
Dale: I think we should ALL be best friends!
Red: We should be. You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment.
Saul: You guys are like both of my best friends, and you didn't even know it, but now you know it, and we'll all be best friends!
Dale: You know what we should get? You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a three-way one of those, man!
Saul: [while Dale is talking] Three-way! Three-way!
Red: I don't even know if they fucking make those!
Dale: We should make the first ones!
Saul: Three-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!
Robert Anderson: [at dinner] What the hell happened to you?
Dale Denton: Nothing. I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here.
Robert Anderson: You're all dirty and bleeding.
Dale Denton: No I'm not. I'm here for dinner.
Shannon Anderson: You have scratches on your forehead.
Robert Anderson: Dude, you smell like shit.
Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you?
Dale Denton: I was in the woods!
Shannon Anderson: In the woods?
Dale Denton: Yeah, isn't that weird? I was...I was in the woods!
Shannon Anderson: What were you doing in the woods?
Dale Denton: I bird...watch...I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder, okay? I saw someone murder...someone else, and I think they've been following me. And there's a good chance they went to my apartment where Angie has a lot of things. She is her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written, and it's on my fridge. So they could then find this house. They could come here.
Shannon Anderson: We should call the police right away.
Dale Denton: We can't call the police. The police were the murderers. That's what's so flippin' scary.
Robert Anderson: We can't call the police. They were the murderers.
Dale Denton: They were the murderers. Don't?
Robert Anderson: [at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder] Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna...
Angie Anderson: So fucked up.
Dale Denton: What? No! No, don't let him gonna! No, don't wanna! Look, we gotta get the F out of here. Let's go. We need to begin to prematurely evacuate.
Robert Anderson: Are you high?
Dale Denton: What? No, I'm not high. Why?
Shannon Anderson: You are high as a fucking kite!
Dale Denton: I'm not high. Let's go.
Robert Anderson: We're not going anywhere. I'm coming back in a minute. You know what I'm coming back with?
Dale Denton: No.
Robert Anderson: I'm coming back with a gun. You better be out of here.
Shannon Anderson: Robert, don't.
Robert Anderson: I'm not fucking with you.
Dale Denton: Your gun? His gun? Why do you? Don't get a gun. Why would he bear arms? Look, no, we need to go. Everyone, I'm leading the parade.
[In the police cruiser, Dale is trying to tell Barber about what he witnessed]
Barber: So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer kill somebody?
Dale: That's exactly what I've been telling you.
Barber: And you saw it?
Dale: Yes. Do you believe me?
Barber: I don't know. Was it a woman or a man cop?
Dale: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
Barber: Oh, I think I know who that bitch was.
Dale: Yes, I will identify that bitch.
[Dale and Saul just evaded the police]
Saul: Hey, you all right, man? You sound pretty hectic.
Dale: I'm okay. Let's just get the fuck out of here, okay?
Saul: All right. [he takes out a pipe and an ounce of marijuana] First thing's first. [takes out a lighter to light up the pipe, as he is about to smoke it]
Dale: Don't...do that, okay?
Saul: [stops lighting and puts down the pipe and lighter] Yeah, why not?
Dale: Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened because we were smoking marijuana.
Saul: Naw, man. That happened 'cause those fucking kids couldn't keep their shit on the down low, man.
Dale: In case you haven't noticed, which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice ANYTHING EVER, we are not very functional when we're high, which is all the fuckin' time!
Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was like stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that, man?
Dale: Okay. Well, that would be true...if you HAD saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, and you made things worse, and now were wanted for all sorts of fuckin' crazy shit!
Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, the only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home.
Dale: Oh yeah. She must be proud of you for that.
Saul: She is really proud of me. And I'm gonna become something, man. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot. What the hell do you do?
Dale: You mean besides stay in my home for fear that you designed some object I'm around? I'm gonna be on the radio, talking about life! Giving lessons about life!
Saul: Oh, well, in my place, I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he gonna be doing? BORING PEOPLE TO DEATH ON THE RADIO!
Dale: You are an asshole. That's all you are, you're an asshole.
Saul: I'm not an asshole!
Dale: You are an asshole!
Saul: No, you know what? I'm-- I'm-- I feel pretty-- pretty sure that I'm not an asshole. I'm like a totally nice guy.
Dale: I'm just as nice as you are, so you don't bring that out. When we were in the woods, I gave you my jacket. You were cold, and I clothed you!
Saul: What about in the park, where I said that you were my friend? You didn't say anything back.
Dale: Well, that's easy. It's because we're NOT friends. You are my drug dealer. There's one reason we know each other. I like the drugs you sell. That's it. And if you didn't sell those drugs, I would have no idea who you were, and I would be fantastic right now! Instead of looking like this.
Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. It's like, I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells.
Dale: Except, if you're a DICK your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or...a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
Red: Hmm, maybe the anal bead, like...depending on who it belongs to.
Dale: Belongs to me.
Red: Then the dragon.
Dale: Exactly.
Red: Yeah...

Cast

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