The Office Quotes

“I think when men hear that women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that's not it. It's a commitment to not floating around anywhere. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life.”
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

“..I find it incredible impossible not to cry when I hear Stevie Nicks's "Landslide," especially the lyric: "I've been afraid of changing, because I've built my life around you." I think a good test to see if a human is actually a robot/android/cylon is to have them listen to this song lyric and study their reaction. If they don't cry, you should stab them through the heart. You will find a fusebox.”
― Mindy Kaling

“What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.”
― Dwight Schrute

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
― Michael Scott

“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.”
― Dwight Schrute

“I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them. ~ Andy, The Office”
― Andy, The Office

“Soulmates" is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes.”
― Mindy Kaling, Why Not Me?

“To pass the time, he hunted through the apartment, patting surfaces down with his palms in an attempt to find computers, extra phones, more goddamn guns. He’d just returned to the second bedroom when something ricocheted off the window.
Wrath unholstered his forty again and back-flatted it on the wall next to the window. With his hand, he sprang the lock and pushed the sheet of glass open a crack.
The cop’s Boston accent was about as subtle as a loudspeaker. “Yo, Rapunzel, you going to let down your frickin’ hair, there?”
“Shh, you wanna wake the neighbors?”
“Like they can hear anything over that TV? Hey, this is the bat epi…”
Wrath left Butch to talk to himself, putting his gun back on his hip, pushing the window wide, then heading for the closet.
The only warning he gave the cop as he winged the first two-hundred-pound crate out of the building was, “Brace yourself, Effie.”
“Jesus Ch—” A grunt cut off the swearing.
Wrath poked his head out of the window and whispered, “You’re supposed to be a good Catholic. Isn’t that blasphemy?”
Butch’s tone was like someone had pissed out a fire on his bed. “You just threw half a car at me with nothing but a quote from Mrs. fucking Doubtfire.”
“Put on your big-girl pants and deal.”
As the cop cursed his way over to the Escalade, which he’d managed to park under some pine trees, Wrath headed back to the closet.
When Butch returned, Wrath heaved again. “Two more.”
There was another grunt and a rattle. “Fuck me.”
“Not on your life.”
“Fine. Fuck you.”

-Butch & Wrath”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Avenged

“If you want to reclaim your life, start by reclaiming your time.”
― Richie Norton

“Old guards will tell you to innovate and be creative, but won’t mention that it’s ONLY ok as long as it’s something they’ve already thought of and agree with. Welcome to ‘The Office,”
― Richie Norton

“And that one over there was Michael Scot,
That one whose hips are slim; he really, truly
Knew every magic trick and every sleight.”
― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

“I'd commit war crimes for horchata, you don't wanna know what I'd do to never return to the office.”
― stained hanes, 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat

“So in a six-minute stretch we see display fearlessness, tenacity, intelligence, savvy, a firm allegiance to team, assertiveness, toughness, and a willingness to obliterate a man in front of the woman that man's supposed to marry. Jim Halpert [The Office] is a winner.”
― Shea Serrano, Basketball (and Other Things): A Collection of Questions Asked, Answered, Illustrated

“I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.”
― Andy, The Office

“If you can create work that enhances your life...do it! But most people, sadly, lose their lives on their work...unnecessarily.”
― Richie Norton

“The great thing for Ivan Ilyich, however, was that he had his office. His whole interest now centred in the world of his duties and this interest absorbed him. The sense of his own power, the feeling of being able to ruin anybody he wished to ruin, even the external dignity of his position, when he made his entry into the court or met with his subordinates, the fact that he was successful in the eyes of superiors and subordinates, and, above all, his masterly handling of cases, of which he was conscious - in all these he rejoiced as he did in the chats with his colleagues, the dinners and whist which filled his time.”
― Leo Tolstoy, The Death of Ivan Ilych

“If it’s inappropriate in the office, it should be inappropriate out of the office.”
― A.D. Aliwat, In Limbo

“The eyes are the groin of the head.”
― Dwight Schrute