Great Barracuda (warning some graphic content of human injuries)
fuck fuck fuCK FUCK FUCK
I’m not saying I played the song by Heart on repeat while I wrote this, but I definitely played the song by Heart on repeat while I wrote this. I’m also not suggesting that you should LISTEN to that song while you read this, but you should absolutely 100% listen to that song while you read this.
only classic rock can soothe the pants-shitting terror
yeah, these are the fuckers that killed Nemo’s mom. They have a bad reputation, and I am telling you right now it is 100% deserved. The great barracuda or giant barracuda get over 6ft (1.8m) long, and their feeding habits are described as “voracious”.
fucking–WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING YOU NUT GET AWAY FROM IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN
you see, they have this terrible habit of DEVOURING EVERYTHING THAT CROSSES THEIR PATH. Which they do by overrunning their prey with huge bursts of speed–measured up to 27mph (43 km/hr), but which are estimated to reach as high as 36mph (58 km/hr). And oh yeah they have MASSIVE CRAZY-SHARP GIGANTIC CHOMPERS.
LIKE THESE ONES RIGHT HERE.
they kill and eat large fish–like, REALLY fuckin’ large okay–by tearing them into little shreds and devouring the pieces. [hysterical laughter]. Does this include attacking humans? You bet your butt it does.
[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES]
they’re attracted to shiny things, I think. So if you are enough of a dumb fuck to go in the water, take off your watch and anything else metallic or reflective you’re wearing. Please. Please, dear deity of choice, I’m begging you.
“Gods can’t help you now.”
you know what else they do? You know what else they do? They find a school of fish, gorge themselves, and then herd the rest of them into shallow water and keep them there until they get hungry again.
I DON’T WANT TO RUN THIS BLOG ANYMORE, GUYS
I’M NOT OKAY. THEY SWIM IN SCHOOLS, YOU GUYS.
(Okay, only as juveniles, but still, jfc. Can you imagine fucking seeing that.)
yeah. They migrate to the reefs as adults (which is where they KILLED NEMO’S MOM), and live there fucking everybody’s shit up and generally being assholes to everyone. And killing people. So much killing. For the whole 14 years of their lives. Nobody really eats them, I think, but some people go fishing for them. On PURPOSE. Because humans are stupid.
choosing to come into close quarters with this thing is a cry for help if I ever heard one
