19 Pieces of Marriage Advice for Newlyweds, According to Relationship Experts

While some couples proactively spend time working on their relationships with a marriage counselor, religious leader, or spiritual adviser before they get married, many spouses don't seek professional help unless they're experiencing difficulties. There's no right or wrong path to take: Though there are certainly benefits to working with a relationship expert ahead of the big day, it's not the right choice for everyone. If you've chosen not to work with a relationship expert head of the big day, recognizing that there's a shift that often happens after marriage (and preparing for it to the best of your ability) can go a long way in terms of the success of your union. "During the first year of marriage, one of the biggest adjustments is making the mental shift of being married," says Houston-based relationship expert Nicholas Hardy, Ph.D., LCSW. "When we get married, many of our daily decisions will involve someone else—this can range from small matters to major life events. Often, newlyweds view this as a negative, and are resistant to this change. Instead, couples can learn into these experiences, and leverage them as an opportunity for growth."

Whether it's moving in together, starting a family, financial changes, new jobs, health scares, or something else entirely, things will shift—both positively and negatively—over the course of your marriage "Anticipate that there will be both expected and unexpected changes, growth edges and transitions in the first few years of marriage," says Meghan Watson, a Toronto-based psychotherapist. "Being aware of this can be especially grounding when you’re still learning and growing through the natural ups and downs of life as newlyweds." Preparing yourselves to meet and overcome these hurdles is key.

So, how do you prepare for the first years of marriage? We asked Hardy, Watson, and four more relationship experts to share the most essential pieces of advice their give their newlywed patients. Employ these 19 practical, useful tips in your own relationship and you'll be well on your way to keeping your marriage strong, healthy, and successful.

Make Strong Communication Your Top Priority

Communication is key to a healthy marriage, but simply talking isn't enough. It's essential that you actually listen to what your partner is saying, too. Overstreet says this is called actively listening. Her top tip to ensure you're doing this? Hear your partner out, then brainstorm solutions together. This, she notes, ensures you're paying attention to what your partner is saying but also shows you how they ultimately need to be supported. Another important tip? "Put your technology away while listening so you don’t have distractions and can listen attentively," she adds.

Part of prioritizing strong communication in your marriage comes down to creating the time and space for it to happen. Turner and Hardy both suggest putting a weekly "meeting" on the books. "When we are not intentional about setting aside time, the busyness and responsibilities of everyday life can overshadow the importance of communication," says Hardy. It might seem formal, but with busy lives, it's easy to forget to check in when nothing major is going wrong. Small problems, however, can turn into big ones fast, and regularly communicating about the good and the bad can help nip any issues in the bud. "Set aside time once a week to check in with how you’re feeling, what’s going well, what’s been tough, and what you need more of," Turner says. "This time is devoted to communicating your thoughts, needs, and desires so that you can better understand each other.

And Get to Know Your Partner's Communication Style

Before you say "I do," take time to really learn about each other's communication styles. Doing so early will set you two up for success in the long run. "Do they like to solve things at the moment? Do they tend to need time to process things before proceeding? Are they more on the emotional or pragmatic side when it comes to discussing difficult topics? Do they avoid or get anxious when you are having friction or discussing touchy topics? Considering all of these things can help you be more measured in your approach, timing, and how you communicate with one another to get the greatest impact," explains Overstreet.

Be Prepared to Be Vulnerable

You should be able to talk to the person you've married about anything, so practicing vulnerability is the months leading up to and after the wedding is important. "Being able to share how you’re feeling or what’s bothering you and speaking up about it instead of sweeping things under the rug is essential for maintaining strength in your marriage," says Turner. "This will require you to be in tune with your emotions so that you can name and express this part of yourself. Vulnerability is what builds true emotional intimacy."

Take Time to Understand Each Other's Needs

Turner points out the importance of taking time to explore your partner's needs—emotional, physical, and mental—and ensuring they do the same for you. "Your partner may need 'connection' but what does that look like for them? Is that taking a getaway trip, getting in bed early just to talk, or spending time together trying a new activity? The better you understand this about your partner and yourself, the better you can aim to meet your partner’s needs so they feel fulfilled," she notes. "This will also get you clear on your own needs and how you can fulfill those needs, too, so that you’re not unknowingly putting all the responsibility on your partner to make you feel fulfilled."

Keep Thinking About the Future

You've spent months (or even years!) focusing on the wedding. Now that the big day is behind you, it's time to think about the decades ahead as a married couple, Bejar suggests. "Now that the wedding is over, talk about your timelines for other life milestones. Are you planning children, career changes, geographical moves? Talk about the timeline for these things," she says. "Once you feel you’re on the same page, take time to enjoy and be present for slower moments in between."

Hardy suggests asking yourself, "How do I want the future of my marriage to look?" This question, he says, can help you make your priorities known to your partner and ensure you both make intentional, proactive decisions that will lead your toward your mutual goals.

Understand the Importance of Compromise and Flexibility

You can't "win" 100% of the time, and Overstreet actually notes that you should be striving for win-win solutions—in which both partner walks away from an argument feeling like they've gotten what they need—as often as possible. "Compromise is a big part of marriage as long as it isn’t damaging emotionally or psychologically," she notes. "The key to compromise is if it helps you both feel heard, validated, and valued."

Flexibility comes hand-in-hand with compromise. It may feel uncomfortable to give up what you want, but it can be important in a marriage. "The key [to a successful marriage] is to have an open mind," Watson explains. "As cliche as it sounds, take life as it comes and have fun while building a new life together as newlyweds. Flexibility is a lifelong skill in marriage."

Avoid Comparison

This is your marriage, which means it won't look or feel exactly the same as anyone else's. For that reason, Watson says it's critical to avoid comparison as much as possible. "Your marriage is unique and won’t look or feel like others," she notes. "Try not to see what other people are doing and compare yourself to them. Everyone has their own stuff, and we don’t always get to see what happens behind closed doors."

Remember That Conflict Is Normal

Arguments aren't a sign that something is wrong in your marriage; in fact, they're a healthy part of any partnership. "Good people who love each other still fight," Watson reminds us. "What’s most important as newlyweds is the commitment to each other as you work through compromises and disagreements."

Choose Your Battles

Yes, conflict is normal in a marriage, but not everything is worth going to battle over, Bejar explains. "Not everything's an argument; not everything is worth dying on a hill for. Learn to accept that," she says. "Being married doesn’t mean you will do everything the same. Some differences result in an agree-to-disagree conclusion; others will come to an I-see-it-your way conclusion; the rest land in a 'How can we each give up something and meet in the middle?' scenario."

Fight Fair

It's important that you two settle on your fighting "rules" early. Bejar explains that there are two fair fighting rules she likes to see couples agree to: "First, we can only name others' behavior. We can't name their emotions if they haven't told us explicitly," she notes. "Second, when we share our emotions/feelings with each other, we accept that as truth and do not deny the feelings of our partner as they have expressed them." For Hardy, essential fair fighting rules include agreeing to no threatening language, not using past mistakes against each other, and avoiding comparison. Ultimately, it's up to you and your partner to come to an agreement on what "fighting fair" looks like in your relationship, and spending a little time with a marriage counselor before the big day is a great way to do this.

Complain, Don't Criticize

The key to productive arguments? Complain, don't criticize. "A complaint is about a behavior, action, or experience. A criticism is when that complaint turns into an attack on someone’s character, such as 'You’re always so cold,' or 'You never listen,'" explains Bejar. By focusing on complaints—calling out something specific that bothered you at one point in time, not a sweeping generalization about your partner's character—during a fight, you're able to focus on the problem. When you criticize, your partner will automatically go on the defensive and the argument that ensues "becomes less about the initial issue at hand, and more about whether it’s true that I 'never' listen," Bejar notes.

Keep Certain Parts of Your Relationship Private

You've heard the saying, "Don't air your dirty laundry in public," right? Make this a cardinal rule of your marriage, Daves says. While it can feel good to commiserate with a friend or turn to a family member for advice, keeping certain elements of your relationship between just you and your spouse is important for a happy marriage. "The privacy of your marriage, the privacy of your arguments, the privacy of your decisions, even the privacy of your financial moves—keep it private until you’re ready for it to be public," Daves notes. "This action will foster a healthy dependence for the both of you."

Work on Your Patience

"Patience is a virtue, especially in marriage," Overstreet notes. The longer you and your partner are together, the more likely it is that little things that you once ignored really start to grate at you. "In these moments of frustration, it’s important to be patient, pause, and reflect on why you started this journey," she adds. "Think of the whole picture and your spouse’s good attributes, too. Doing this will help you not get stuck just on the negative parts, as this can be a tendency versus seeing the whole picture."

Prioritize Quality Time and Fun

Whether it's a date night out, dinner and movie on the couch, or time exploring a favorite museum or art gallery, planning activities for the two of you to enjoy is key. "Quality time is intentional, proactive, and based on the needs and desires of each person," Hardy adds. "This does not happen automatically once you say 'I do.'"

When possible, make the time you spend together fun and different: Try a new restaurant, book a trip to a destination you've never been, or start a new show together. Though it's unrealistic to think every day will be packed with newness and adventure, variety, they say, is the spice of life, so switching things up every now and then is good for you both. "Keep the fun, joy, and spark alive by prioritizing quality time together—no phones, no distractions," says Turner. "Use this time to simply enjoy each other’s company and reconnect, as life will undoubtedly get busy, it’s important to always come back to each other to continue to strengthen your foundation."

Talk Openly About Money and Your Financial Goals

One of the most common things couples fight about? Money. While you two may not be arguing over dollars and cents right now, making money talks a regular occurrence in your home (and conversations about financial goals and savings) will help you in the long run. "It should go without saying communicating on financial matters is important as you’re building a family, setting goals with one another, and should be on the same page," says Overstreet.

Agree on the Boundaries You'll Set With Both Families

Now that you two are your own family unit, you'll need to align on the boundaries you'll set with each of your families. First and foremost, remember that whatever decisions you land on should be flexible—at least within reason. "Boundaries are not walls, they are doors," explains Bejar. "You can choose when you want to open them, shut them, and lock them. They are meant to be adjusted to a given situation. Walls stay where they are no matter what."

And, whatever you do, stick to what you two have agreed to. "Have each other's backs and remain on the same page. The reason why boundaries fall apart quickly with family is because you're not on the same page about the boundary or the setting of the boundary," Daves notes. "You need to be on the same page about this so when [a family member] says something out of hand in your kitchen and your partner hears you, they automatically [have] your back."

Make Time for Yourself

Whatever you do, don't lose yourself in your marriage. Hardy says that maintaining your own life outside of your marriage is his top tip for newlywed couples. "There will inevitably be adjustments, but abandoning all relationships, hobbies, and/or personal interests can be unhealthy long-term, create resentment in the relationship, and place tremendous pressure on one partner to be all things," he notes. "This is specifically important for newlyweds because of their initial excitement, and desire to make their spouse happy. However, maintaining a life outside of the marriage should not conflict with the health of the marriage."

Struggling to find balance between your own needs and the needs of your marriage. Give yourself time to figure it all out. "It can feel like a balancing act to attend to your own needs and desires while also prioritizing quality time together," Watson notes. "Focusing on both personal and meaningful self care while also nurturing intimacy and connection as a couple isn’t easy, but the benefits of this early work is worth it in the long run."

Don't Let Your Sex Life Fall to the Wayside

Sex is a vital part of the marriage relationship, our experts agree, so you should make sure your sex life is satisfying for both of you. If there are physical problems affecting your performance, see a doctor and discuss the situation with them as well as your spouse.

Know When It's Time to Ask for Help

The first year of marriage is hard for so many couples, and asking for professional help is nothing to be ashamed of, Overstreet notes. It doesn't mean you two are failing as a couple or that your marriage is destined to end in divorce. "Sometimes, an objective person can articulate or see some things that might be relationship blindspots for both of you," she explains. "They can help you get there sooner to deal with the things that could be minor tweaks to help your relationship be better."