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    The Man Book: Booze, Boobs and Baseball - A Kick-Ass Guide
    The Man Book: Booze, Boobs and Baseball - A Kick-Ass Guide
    The Man Book: Booze, Boobs and Baseball - A Kick-Ass Guide
    Ebook449 pages2 hours

    The Man Book: Booze, Boobs and Baseball - A Kick-Ass Guide

    By Otto DeFay

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    About this ebook

    This book contains everything you need to know to be a man. Everything. It will prepare you for every situation you can imagine, from the office to the bedroom. It will improve your life no matter what you're doing…whether you're in a bar, in a fight, in a wedding, in an argument, at a game, at work, or in a stranger's bed.

    It's time to be a man. Read this book.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMacmillan Publishers
    Release dateMay 13, 2008
    ISBN9781429925204
    The Man Book: Booze, Boobs and Baseball - A Kick-Ass Guide
    Author

    Otto DeFay

    Otto DeFay is a free-lance writer and sports data analyst who spends most of his life on the road staying in barely decent hotels. Among his notable achievements are scoring a hole-in-one at the Russian Jack Springs Golf Course in Anchorage, Alaska and breaking three ribs during a layup in the final four seconds of his high school basketball championship. He has not dated anybody famous--yet--but he did win $17,550 once while playing blackjack in Las Vegas. The Man Book, published by St. Martin's Press, was his first book.

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      Book preview

      The Man Book - Otto DeFay

      INTRODUCTION

      YOU ARE A MAN. This is your book.

      This is a book for males. More specifically, men. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of books for women and for girls. They address the needs of a woman’s body, of a woman’s emotional self, of a woman’s relationship with her mother, of a woman’s desire to go shopping. Chances are, one or more of these has already found its way into your home.

      However, there has not been a single book—not one—about men and men’s bodies, men’s emotions, and all the things that go into becoming a man.

      First of all, the idea sounds silly. Or perhaps even downright stupid. Men don’t want to hear about such things. Men grow up, and they deal with it. That is the essence of being a man.

      Unfortunately, growing up is never as easy as it’s supposed to be. Men do have problems with their bodies. Men do have emotions. And, much as they don’t want to admit, men have needs. Those needs extend beyond sports, sex, and alcohol. Not far, but they do extend.

      We’re not here to get all touchy-feely. Quite the contrary, we’re here to provide information, some of it amusing, some of it scientific, some of it useful, some of it trivial. All of it is designed to be read while waiting for your significant other in the dress department of the local department store. Or perhaps while you’re spending quality time in the bathroom after a night of eating jalapeño bratwursts and chili dogs.

      Women’s books have names like Our Bodies, Ourselves, Growing a Girl, Reviving Ophelia, and Martha Stewart’s Entertaining. Men don’t have books—they have magazines. Most of these magazines you can’t read in public after the age of thirty. Certainly, they’re not the kind of magazines that your significant other is going to appreciate you leaving on the coffee table just as she is getting ready to have a baby shower for her best friend.

      So it’s time for a book. This book.

      This book is for men. Certainly, adolescent males will find much of interest—and much to laugh about—in these pages. Finding humor in just about everything is part of becoming a man. But our target male is not just the man who is in the mood to laugh, but someone who might be on his way to getting married, is already married, or equally important, has just scheduled his first prostate exam.

      No one ever tells a growing man his nipples will hurt if he bumps them during gym in high school, that his pubic hairs will turn gray one at a time, or that someday sleep will be more desirable than sex.

      No one ever tells you. So we’re going to.

      And we’re not going to stop there. For instance, no one ever quite knows how big a soccer field should be. We do.

      No one gives you that perfect joke to tell the boss when he’s treating you like his best friend. We do.

      No one tells you how big your girlfriend’s tits really are. We do.

      No one quite remembers who won the NASCAR championship ten years ago, or what the exact difference is between a single malt and blended whiskey, or how to make a martini, or what a petabyte is, or Iron Man’s secret identity, or the difference between hail and sleet, or what to buy for a twentieth anniversary, or the best things to say during a prostate exam.

      We do.

      Be a man. Read on.

      A THOUSAND NAMES FOR YOUR PENIS (NOT COUNTING PENIS)

      A

      ace in the hole • acorn Andy • Adam halfpint • Admiral Winky • AIDS grenade • the Alabama blacksnake • albino cave dweller • all-day sucker • anaconda • anal impaler • anal intruder • anal spear • ankle spanker • apple-headed monster • ass blaster • ass pirate • ass wedge • auger-headed gut wrench

      B

      baby maker • baby’s arm holding an apple • baby’s arm in a boxing glove • bacon bazooka • bacon rod • bad boy • bagpipe • Bald Avenger • the bald-headed beauty • bald-headed giggle stick • bald-headed hermit • bald-headed Jesus • bald-headed yogurt slinger • bald-headed spunk-juice dispenser • ball buddy • baloney pony • banana • battering ram • bayonet • Bavarian beefstick • beanstalk • beard splitter • beastus maximus • beaver buster • Beaver Cleaver • bed flute • bed snake • beef baton • beef bayonet • beef bugle • beef bus • beef missile • beef soldier • beef stick • Beefy McManstick • bell rope • belly stick • best leg of three • (big) beanpole • big Jake the one-eyed snake • big Jim and the twins • big Johnson • Big Lebowski • big number one • Big Red • big rod • big uncle • biggus dickus • Bilbo Baggins • bishop • the bishop with his nice red hat • bitch blaster • bitch stick • bits and pieces • blind butler • blind snake • blood blunt • blood slug • blood sword • Blow Pop • blowtorch • blue steel • blue-veined jackhammer • blue-veined junket pumper • blue-veined piccolo • blue-veined custard chucker • blue-veiner • blunt • Bob • Bob Johnson • bobo • bone • bone phone • bone a phone • bone roller-coaster • boneless beef • boneless fish • boner • bone-her • bop gun • bottle rocket • bowlegged swamp donkey • box buster • boy brush • bradford and the pair • bratwurst • breakfast burrito • breakfast wood • broom • Brutus • bubba • bulbous big-knob • bumtickler • bush beater • bush rusher • bushwhacker • Buster Hymen • Buster McThunderstick • butt blaster • butt pirate • butter churn • butter knife

      C

      candy cane • caped crusader • Captain Bilbo • Captain Crook • Captain Hook • Captain Howdy • Captain Kirk • Captain Winky • carnal stump • cattle prod • cave hunter • cax • cervix crusader • cervix pounder • chancellor • the chap • Charlie Russell the one-eyed muscle • cheese staff • cherry picker • cherry-poppin’ daddy • cherry splitter • Chi Zi Wang • chick sticker • chicksicle • chief of staff • chimbo • chimney cleaner • choo-choo • choad (chode) • chorizo • chowder dumper • chubby • chubby conquistador • chum • chunk o’ love • chunder thunder • cigar • circus boy • clam digger • clam hammer • clam sticker • clit tickler • clown • the cob • cock • cock goblin • cocktus • cockus erectus • codger • colon cowboy • colon crusader • colossus • command module • coral branch • corned beef lighthouse • corn dog • cornholer • cornstalk • cornstalk cowboy • crack hunter • crack smacker • cramstick • crank • crank shaft • cream-filled meat stick • cream bandit • cream cannon • creamsicle • creamstick • cream spritzer • crimson chitterling • crimson Darth Vader • crippler • crotch cobra • crotch cowboy • crotch rocket • crotch vomiter • crushin’ Russian • the cum pump • cummingtonite • cunny-catcher • cunt caper • the cunt companion • cunt pumper • cunt rifle • cunt scrubber • Cupid’s arrow • Curious George • custard cannon • custard pump • cyclops

      D

      daddy long-stroke • danglin’ fury • danglin’ wang • dangling participle • dart of love • Darth Vader • Davy Crockett • deep-veined purple-helmeted spartan of love • demeanor • the diamond cutter • dick • Dick and his two swingers • Dick and the twins • dickimus maximus • dick-ory dock • dickory-smoked coal sausage • digit • diller • dilly-ho-ho • ding-a-ling • ding-dong • dingle • dingle dangle • dingledong • dinglehopper • dingus • dingy • dinky • dipstick • Dirk Diggler • divining rod • dobber • docking tube • dolphin • dong • dong-bong • dong-stick • dongle • donker • Donkey Kong • doodad • doo-dah • doodle • doodle dandy • dooker • doohickey • doppelganger • dork • doughnut holder • dribbling dart of love • dribbling dragon • Dr. Cyclops • Dr. Feelgood • Dr. Wang • Duke • dumb stick • dungula

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