Expectant Parents: Preparing Together for the Journey of Parenthood

INTRODUCTION

My story is just one story.

Well, two stories, to be exact.

The first began on a rainy December day. That’s when my firstborn, Josiah Alexander, made his entrance, to the sweet strains of Christmas carols.

I slow danced with my husband for a good part of the day, my arms draped around his neck. I can still remember his eyes—the kind, steady eyes I’d fallen in love with two years earlier—focused on mine as we labored together. I think we both knew we stood at the threshold of an event that would change our lives forever.

When labor became painful, he stroked my hair and prayed for me. And when my wiggly boy, all arms and legs, was placed in my arms, all I could do was whisper, I love you.

My second-born arrived twenty months later, on an August evening long after most people were in their beds. We had chosen not to find out the gender of our baby (so we could do that once), but we were convinced we were having another boy.

My water broke that morning, and we checked into the hospital a few hours later. At 5:00

PM

, with no contractions in sight, labor was induced. I walked the halls for most of the evening, in labor but with barely perceivable contractions.

Then, suddenly, at 11:15—when I had been given the highest dose of Pitocin possible—hard labor began. (This time I preferred leaning over the bed, swaying and holding my husband’s hands—to his relief.)

Do you want the good news or the good news? the nurse said after checking my cervix. You’re nine centimeters and fully effaced.

Our OB arrived at midnight; and our daughter was born at 12:16

AM

.

Having only written down a few girl names arbitrarily, we named our daughter on the spot (after a brief, whispered conference). We named her Sadie Elizabeth, which means Princess and My God Is an Oath.

Her name was fitting. During both births and our journey into parenthood, God has been our oath—our promise. Through the newness of being parents and the ups and downs of our son’s medical problems, God’s promise to be with us and care for us stood firm.

If you’re reading this book, you are probably expecting your own little miracle. You are stepping closer to what is sure to be one of the most radical and sacred events of your life. Beyond the birth itself, you are about to embark on the astounding—and humbling—task of shepherding the soul of another. One who has been specifically entrusted to you.

My story is mine—unique from the others you will hear about in this book—sweet graces and details woven together by God. Plans dreamed up in His mind before time began. And your story is yours. It may share similarities with mine, or it may be completely different. But one thing will be the same. In the same way that God walked with Kevin and me as we traveled a path full of unknowns, He will be with you also. He has begun a good work in you and in the life of your child, which He has every intention to complete (see Philippians 1:6).

Your birth story will be exquisite. It will also be messy and awkward at times. There will be tears, laughter, pain, and unspeakable joy, all rolled up in one amazing bundle. You will encounter God’s love and care in ways you never imagined. You will be stretched (in every way possible), and you will be filled with more love than you ever anticipated.

God already knows your birth story, every detail. And He will be with you every step of the way.

If this is your first baby, you are probably excited—though at times anxious—about bringing a new little life into the world.

Will he look like you or your spouse? Will she have chubby cheeks or an abundance of downy soft hair on her head? What will his skin feel like? The excitement of a new baby has the tendency to inspire wonder and a special kind of joy.

My friend Kelly describes sneaking into the nursery days before her daughter’s birth, and picking up the tiny outfits and pressing them to her nose.

I would breathe in the smell of those little clothes, she says, and dream of what it would be like when she was finally here. It seems silly now, but I was just so excited.

My own first pregnancy came after I had been single for many years and wondered if having a family would ever happen for me. When I became pregnant six months after getting married, waiting for the baby was like waiting for Christmas Day! (Literally, since my son was born on December 17.)

Maybe your pregnancy was unexpected or happened sooner than anticipated, and you have some anxiety about what you’ve gotten yourself into. Or maybe you’ve waited and prayed for a baby for years, and similar to Sarah and Abraham in the Bible, for you, this child is the fulfillment of long-held desires and hopes. Perhaps the timing was exactly what you were hoping for, and you’re confident that now is the perfect time to start a family.

Regardless of how you entered the journey of pregnancy, you are here. And I hope this book will provide you with encouragement, practical advice, and motivation to start out strong. More than that, I hope it will show you how to build a foundation of faith in your family from your child’s earliest days.

If you’re feeling some fear and apprehension, you’re not alone. Almost all of the expectant parents I spoke with during the course of writing this book had fears and concerns, such as, Will the baby be healthy? Will my labor and delivery go as planned? What will work and finances look like after the baby comes? Will my relationship with my spouse change for the worse? How will pregnancy affect my body?

Within these pages, all of those questions will be addressed, and more. As you read, you will discover insights from other parents, advice from experts, discussion questions to deepen your relationship with your spouse, and even suggested activities to enrich your pregnancy and prepare you for parenthood.

You will also find some additional help in the appendices on various topics, including miscarriage, adoption, and welcoming a baby to a blended family.

My prayer is that this will be a truly meaningful and memorable season of life as you begin your family . . . and discover your story.

CHAPTER ONE

When Two Become Three

Everything’s going to change.

People seemed delighted to tell us this when they found out we were expecting for the first time. To my husband, Kevin, and me, these words seemed more like an ominous warning than the wondrous prediction I’m sure they were intended to be. The very idea of such a life-altering change stirred up resistance in my spirit. I knew things would change a little, of course, but certainly everything wouldn’t change.

One thing I was confident would not change was my relationship with Kevin. He and I met in a fairy-tale fashion one Sunday evening (as he made my latte at Starbucks), and our courtship and marriage swiftly followed suit.

We both love children and were hoping to have a family, so six months into marriage, when we learned a baby would be joining us, we were overjoyed. We were also still solidly in the honeymoon phase. Though we had heard stories about how a baby changes things, I stubbornly refused to believe that pregnancy and the birth of a child would disturb our perfect marriage.

While not every couple starts a family as soon after marriage as we did, every couple will face their own relational adjustments as they negotiate the season of pregnancy and the one following the baby’s arrival. Although God’s plan for each couple and family is different, my belief that absolutely nothing would change in our marriage was . . . well, mistaken.

Not only were others intent on telling us that everything would change, but they were also fond of telling us their parental horror stories. For example, they would recount the chilling tale of their thirty-eight-hour labor experience or Junior’s epic blowout on the airplane.

Sleep in, they would tell us. Go to the late movie. Look deeply into one another’s eyes, because those days are coming to an end . . . forever (or at least the next eighteen years). Soon the most interesting thing in your life is going to be the bodily fluids emerging from a being the size of a burrito. And before you know it, your greatest desire won’t be for a tropical vacation or a new car but for an hour of uninterrupted sleep . . . or a shower.

Mercifully, those days will pass, the naysayers would continue, only to be replaced by years on end when you’ll completely lose your own identity (particularly in the eyes of the child’s grandparents, formerly known as your parents), your days will revolve around naptime (Baby’s, not yours, unfortunately), and all your worldly goods will be systematically destroyed by your little blessings and/or permeated by Cheerios, raisins, or unidentifiable crumbs.

It’s enough to panic any expectant couple. Like us, you may begin to wonder if all your former happiness as a couple is about to slip away.

What those well-meaning naysayers neglect to tell you is that it’s worth it.

Let that sink in for a minute. It’s worth it.

And as you follow the development of your little one inside the womb and plan for the joys of welcoming him or her, you are likely more in tune with the miraculous nature of parenthood than those in the throes of child rearing.

The truth is, the thrill you are experiencing as expectant parents is more in line with reality. And whether you feel it right now or not, you will be better off for having a child. Ask any parent you know: There are certain inalienable rights and joys that come along with being a mom or a dad.

Ashley, a mother of two, says, "There is absolutely no way—zero—that you can understand how much you will love your child until you have a child. It’s the last great, unopened chamber of your heart that doesn’t unlock until you have a baby. People can (and love to) tell you how hard it is to care for kids. They don’t tell you enough about that secret, unopened chamber. They should."

So while things are going to change (and we’re going to look at that in depth and offer tips on how to navigate the journey), let me assure you that entering into the adventure of parenthood is not the end; it’s only the beginning. And it is so worth it.

WHEN BABY MAKES THREE

I went into pregnancy naïve about how the addition of a baby might affect Kevin’s and my relationship. There was no way for me (or him) to anticipate how hormones, sleep deprivation, the stress of caring for an infant, and just adjusting to a huge life change in general would test our marital bliss. I’m thankful that we concentrated on good communication during pregnancy, which allowed us to anticipate, and prepare for, some of the challenges ahead.

When Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley learned they were pregnant with their first child, they weren’t expecting to start a family for another five years. Though the birth of their daughter radically changed the couple’s immediate plans for the future, This pregnancy was not unknown to God, Erin says. Our daughter was such an incredible blessing.

In addition to having to change their immediate plans—which included calling off a study-abroad opportunity in England—the couple says they also experienced a shift in their relationship. Dr. Smalley, author and vice president of Family Ministries at Focus on the Family, and his wife, Erin, a counselor and former labor and delivery nurse, identify three areas where expectant couples may experience changes in their relationship:

1. Communication. When a baby is on the way, a couple’s conversation can become all about the baby. You’re preparing your home and relationship for this baby to join your family, Erin says. Of course you’re going to talk about it!

This kind of conversation is healthy and natural, but couples should also be sensitive to what their partner needs.

There’s something magical and amazing about dreaming about parenthood together and deciding on names and thinking about who this child will be, Greg says. But your spouse may also want to talk about other interests.

You need to see yourself as a couple, not just a couple of parents, Erin adds. That’s something you’ll need to do over the rest of your parenting years.

While it’s important to remain sensitive to the needs of your spouse, there’s no need to eliminate conversation about the baby altogether. Some of my best memories from my first pregnancy involve talking about the baby with Kevin, as well as special outings we took to the baby store and staying up until all hours of the night scouring baby-name websites.

As your topics of conversation expand to stroller brands and cloth or disposable, just make sure you’re engaging your spouse in conversation that makes him or her feel loved and valued.

Gary’s (and Lisa’s) Date-Night Questions

by Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage

Go out for dinner or coffee, and use these great questions to avoid making it all about Baby!

If money wasn’t an issue, what would be your dream vacation in the next ten years? With kids? Without kids?

What is the one thing that is most frustrating about your life right now?

How would you describe your ideal day off?

What part of your day do you most look forward to? Why?

What makes you feel closest to me as your spouse?

How do you feel about the church we attend? Where is the best area to invest in our church family during this season of our lives?

Let’s imagine our child is grown and going through premarital counseling. The counselor asks him or her to describe our marriage. What do you hope he or she will say? What can we do to create a marriage like that?

Greg says listening—especially on the part of the guy—is key to good communication during pregnancy. Men like to communicate when there’s a problem to solve, he says. When hormones are raging and it’s hard to know if her feelings are rational, the worst thing I can do is debate whether her feeling is right or wrong. I’m going to be a listener.

2. Care. Pregnancy is a season where tenderness between partners can expand exponentially.

Not long ago, I was at the gym working out on an elliptical machine. A few minutes into my workout, a woman stepped onto the machine next to me, and not long after that, her husband came and stood next to her. He lingered there for the remaining twenty minutes of her workout, which I found a little strange.

Only after she finished did I notice the telling bump protruding from her middle and the signature pregnancy swagger as her husband accompanied her—his hand on the small of her back—to the watercooler. I smiled, remembering how attentive and protective my husband was during my pregnancies.

Our perspective of each other changed, Greg says, recalling Erin’s first pregnancy. "You find a new variation of your love for each other. I remember looking at Erin and watching her belly grow and thinking, She’s carrying my child. Wow. I gained a whole new level of appreciation for who she was. There’s an amazing beauty to your wife when she’s pregnant with your child.

And for a woman, having her husband take care of her and do chores that maybe he hasn’t done before or work extra shifts to prepare for the expenses—all of that really adds to a deepening love for each other.

3. Conflict. It would be great if every relational change during the journey of pregnancy was a positive one, but with big changes ahead, new relationship difficulties can surface.

Whether this baby will bring spouses closer together or drive them apart has everything to do with the pre-baby relationship, Greg says. Having a child is going to intensify everything in the relationship. The good will be even better, but the bad will be magnified by 1,000 percent. When you factor in sleep deprivation, the hormones, the exhaustion, even tiny things spark. What may have been a small disagreement before can turn into a major issue.

Erin adds, The couple may be dealing with some new frustrations with each other. There are a lot of women who assume that their spouse should know about and be meeting these new needs she has. Sometimes even the intense mood swings—the highs and lows of pregnancy—can lead to conflicts and disappointments that are new for a couple.

The Smalleys suggest that couples seek counseling for any significant issues that arise. "Shore up your relationship before the baby comes, Greg says. How are you handling stress? How are you dealing with conflict? If there are any past issues you haven’t dealt with, deal with them now."

In addition, he advises, Keep short accounts. When conflict happens, give each other space, the benefit of the doubt, and grace. Be quick to offer forgiveness.

View from the Nursery

by Jennifer DeBrito

When I was pregnant with my son, it seemed like everything I read contained the message that my husband should be spoiling me rotten.

I was really hopeful for a special gift from him at my baby shower, or a nice little getaway at some point during my pregnancy. When neither of those things happened, I expected that he’d at least give me a gift the day our son was born. That also did not happen.

All these expectations I had (which he knew nothing about because he hadn’t read any of the books or magazines that gave me these ideas) led to disappointment and hurt feelings.

I later realized that