Misalliance

MISALLIANCE

..................

George Bernard Shaw

KYPROS PRESS

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Copyright © 2016 by George Bernard Shaw

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Misalliance

MISALLIANCE

..................

Johnny Tarleton, an ordinary young business man of thirty or less, is

taking his weekly Friday to Tuesday in the house of his father, John

Tarleton, who has made a great deal of money out of Tarleton’s

Underwear. The house is in Surrey, on the slope of Hindhead; and

Johnny, reclining, novel in hand, in a swinging chair with a little

awning above it, is enshrined in a spacious half hemisphere of glass

which forms a pavilion commanding the garden, and, beyond it, a barren

but lovely landscape of hill profile with fir trees, commons of

bracken and gorse, and wonderful cloud pictures.

The glass pavilion springs from a bridgelike arch in the wall of the

house, through which one comes into a big hall with tiled flooring,

which suggests that the proprietor’s notion of domestic luxury is

founded on the lounges of week-end hotels. The arch is not quite in

the centre of the wall. There is more wall to its right than to its

left, and this space is occupied by a hat rack and umbrella stand in

which tennis rackets, white parasols, caps, Panama hats, and other

summery articles are bestowed. Just through the arch at this corner

stands a new portable Turkish bath, recently unpacked, with its crate

beside it, and on the crate the drawn nails and the hammer used in

unpacking. Near the crate are open boxes of garden games: bowls and

croquet. Nearly in the middle of the glass wall of the pavilion is a

door giving on the garden, with a couple of steps to surmount the

hot-water pipes which skirt the glass. At intervals round the

pavilion are marble pillars with specimens of Viennese pottery on

them, very flamboyant in colour and florid in design. Between them

are folded garden chairs flung anyhow against the pipes. In the side

walls are two doors: one near the hat stand, leading to the interior

of the house, the other on the opposite side and at the other end,

leading to the vestibule.

There is no solid furniture except a sideboard which stands against

the wall between the vestibule door and the pavilion, a small writing

table with a blotter, a rack for telegram forms and stationery, and a

wastepaper basket, standing out in the hall near the sideboard, and a

lady’s worktable, with two chairs at it, towards the other side of the

lounge. The writing table has also two chairs at it. On the

sideboard there is a tantalus, liqueur bottles, a syphon, a glass jug

of lemonade, tumblers, and every convenience for casual drinking.

Also a plate of sponge cakes, and a highly ornate punchbowl in the

same style as the keramic display in the pavilion. Wicker chairs and

little bamboo tables with ash trays and boxes of matches on them are

scattered in all directions. In the pavilion, which is flooded with

sunshine, is the elaborate patent swing seat and awning in which

Johnny reclines with his novel. There are two wicker chairs right and

left of him.

Bentley Summerhays, one of those smallish, thinskinned youths, who

from 17 to 70 retain unaltered the mental airs of the later and the

physical appearance of the earlier age, appears in the garden and

comes through the glass door into the pavilion. He is unmistakably a

grade above Johnny socially; and though he looks sensitive enough, his

assurance and his high voice are a little exasperating.

JOHNNY. Hallo! Wheres your luggage?

BENTLEY. I left it at the station. Ive walked up from Haslemere.

[He goes to the hat stand and hangs up his hat].

JOHNNY [shortly] Oh! And who’s to fetch it?

BENTLEY. Dont know. Dont care. Providence, probably. If not, your

mother will have it fetched.

JOHNNY. Not her business, exactly, is it?

BENTLEY. [returning to the pavilion] Of course not. Thats why one

loves her for doing it. Look here: chuck away your silly week-end

novel, and talk to a chap. After a week in that filthy office my

brain is simply blue-mouldy. Lets argue about something intellectual.

[He throws himself into the wicker chair on Johnny’s right].

JOHNNY. [straightening up in the swing with a yell of protest] No.

Now seriously, Bunny, Ive come down here to have a pleasant week-end;

and I’m not going to stand your confounded arguments. If you want to

argue, get out of this and go over to the Congregationalist

minister’s. He’s a nailer at arguing. He likes it.

BENTLEY. You cant argue with a person when his livelihood depends on

his not letting you convert him. And would you mind not calling me

Bunny. My name is Bentley Summerhays, which you please.

JOHNNY. Whats the matter with Bunny?

BENTLEY. It puts me in a false position. Have you ever considered

the fact that I was an afterthought?

JOHNNY. An afterthought? What do you mean by that?

BENTLEY. I—

JOHNNY. No, stop: I dont want to know. It’s only a dodge to start

an argument.

BENTLEY. Dont be afraid: it wont overtax your brain. My father was

44 when I was born. My mother was 41. There was twelve years between

me and the next eldest. I was unexpected. I was probably

unintentional. My brothers and sisters are not the least like me.

Theyre the regular thing that you always get in the first batch from

young parents: quite pleasant, ordinary, do-the-regular-thing sort:

all body and no brains, like you.

JOHNNY. Thank you.

BENTLEY. Dont mention it, old chap. Now I’m different. By the time

I was born, the old couple knew something. So I came out all brains

and no more body than is absolutely necessary. I am really a good

deal older than you, though you were born ten years sooner. Everybody

feels that when they hear us talk; consequently, though it’s quite

natural to hear me calling you Johnny, it sounds ridiculous and

unbecoming for you to call me Bunny. [He rises].

JOHNNY. Does it, by George? You stop me doing it if you can: thats

all.

BENTLEY. If you go on doing it after Ive asked you not, youll feel an

awful swine. [He strolls away carelessly to the sideboard with his

eye on the sponge cakes]. At least I should; but I suppose youre not

so particular.

JOHNNY [rising vengefully and following Bentley, who is forced to

turn and listen] I’ll tell you what it is, my boy: you want a good

talking to; and I’m going to give it to you. If you think that

because your father’s a K.C.B., and you want to marry my sister, you

can make yourself as nasty as you please and say what you like, youre

mistaken. Let me tell you that except Hypatia, not one person in this

house is in favor of her marrying you; and I dont believe shes happy

about it herself. The match isnt settled yet: dont forget that.

Youre on trial in the office because the Governor isnt giving his

daughter money for an idle man to live on her. Youre on trial here

because my mother thinks a girl should know what a man is like in the

house before she marries him. Thats been going on for two months now;

and whats the result? Youve got yourself thoroughly disliked in the

office; and youre getting yourself thoroughly disliked here, all

through your bad manners and your conceit, and the damned impudence

you think clever.

BENTLEY. [deeply wounded and trying hard to control himself] Thats

enough, thank you. You dont suppose, I hope, that I should have come

down if I had known that that was how you felt about me. [He makes

for the vestibule door].

JOHNNY. [collaring him]. No: you dont run away. I’m going to

have this out with you. Sit down: d’y’ hear? [Bentley attempts to

go with dignity. Johnny slings him into a chair at the writing table,

where he sits, bitterly humiliated, but afraid to speak lest he should

burst into tears]. Thats the advantage of having more body than

brains, you see: it enables me to teach you manners; and I’m going to

do it too. Youre a spoilt young pup; and you need a jolly good

licking. And if youre not careful youll get it: I’ll see to that

next time you call me a swine.

BENTLEY. I didnt call you a swine. But [bursting into a fury of

tears] you are a swine: youre a beast: youre a brute: youre a

cad: youre a liar: youre a bully: I should like to wring your

damned neck for you.

JOHNNY. [with a derisive laugh] Try it, my son. [Bentley gives

an inarticulate sob of rage]. Fighting isnt in your line. Youre too

small and youre too childish. I always suspected that your cleverness

wouldnt come to very much when it was brought up against something

solid: some decent chap’s fist, for instance.

BENTLEY.