The Upside of Regret: Aimless Perfection, #1

CHAPTER ONE

B righton! Hurry up . Leah’s waiting on you, Mom snapped from downstairs.

I paused briefly to survey my room so I could locate my backpack. The evidence of my earlier attire meltdown was strewn on the floor in front of my closet, as was my laundry from the last few days. It took me thirty minutes to decide on my faded jeans and loose beige tank—no surprise there.

I’ll be right down, I yelled back, trying to rein in my panic.

Leah’s horn honked and I rushed around the room, pushing things aside with my foot. Mistake number one, because the pain that surged through my foot when it connected with the metal railing had me screaming in pain as I dropped to my knees.

Dammit! I grunted.

And there, under my bed, was the brown strap I was trying to locate. I grabbed the bag and slung it over my shoulder before standing up.

Leah was never on time, let alone early, and she’d already managed to set my morning into a tailspin. I hobbled out of my room, dabbing my lips with a nude gloss as I entered the kitchen.

Mom was sitting at the counter, casually sipping her coffee as she read on her iPad.

Bye, Mom, I said, kissing her cheek and limping out the front door without another word. Since I wasn’t a morning person, she was used to my quick goodbyes. She never seemed to mind, I assume because I tended to be a little chattier in the afternoon anyway.

Took you long enough, Leah badgered when I was within earshot. She tossed her bag in to the back seat and began drumming her fingers on the steering while as she awaited my arrival.

Hello, limping here, I said before slowing my pace a bit, if for no other reason than to aggravate her. Besides, you’re here five minutes early.

Only because you’re always late, she teased.

I think you have me confused with yourself.

What did you do, anyway?

Stubbed my toe on my bed...thanks to you.

She rolled her eyes and waved me to hurry so I took a deep breath and winced before hobbling a little faster.

Remind me again why we have to be there so early.

Leah squeezed her eyes tight and shook her head before finally looking at me. I had a feeling I was going to get the hard sell about Jack Bixby. I’d heard his name enough over the years; I really didn’t want to hear it again. It was on the tip of my tongue to say something about her obsession with Jack, but then I thought better of it.

And after the night before, when he’d practically ignored her after she had gone out of her way to see him, I was more than a little stunned that she still had her sights on him. The plan was to arrive early enough for Leah to park near Jack’s usual spot so she could gain some face time with him. He was the most popular guy in our class, and God knows class was something he lacked. Yet Leah didn’t seem to mind overlooking that fact. Sure, he was good looking, but looks only get you so far. And I found it hard to ignore his blatant disregard for manners, kindness, decency, and every other character trait a good human being should possess.

When it came to character, he was deficient. I mean, this was the guy who went out of his way to humiliate the special needs kids and had publicly mocked a school reporter who asked him about baseball.

Why in the world was Leah into him?

I really think this is my year, Leah finally said.

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. I couldn’t understand why her standards were so low. But she wasn’t the only one. Most of our classmates fell under the same Bixby spell as Leah. Girls wanted to date him, and guys wanted to hang out with him.

Me? I wanted to pretend he didn’t exist.

Without another word, she backed down the driveway, prattling on about her mom and the advice she’d given her for senior year. Mrs. Hayes always loved to tell Leah how amazing school was and what opportunities awaited her if she played her cards right. And Leah never wanted to hear it. She was determined to do things her way, even if it was the hard way.

My body pressed into the leather seat as she punched the gas pedal, causing the car to swerve as she got on the road. Leah was truly a terrible driver. My life passed before my eyes at least twice when I drove with her on any given occasion, because she was easily distracted. I suppose I’d gotten used to it. I expected it.

And then Mom would not stop talking about my room. Hello! It’s my room, I don’t care what it looks like. But of course, she’s like, ‘if your room is in order, that tells me that everything else in your life is too.’ Can you believe that? She’s like a fortune cookie or something.

She continued talking and I tuned her out the way I sometimes did when her complaining became annoying. I found myself lost in thoughts of how busy my workload would be once school started.

Will I be able to maintain my grades?

Can I get a job and get all As?

The first day of senior year hadn’t started, but I was quickly beginning to feel the weight and anxiety of it all. And yet I couldn’t wait to get moving. I’d worked hard to maintain my A average, and this year would be no different. Everything had been planned out for years, and I was determined to stay on course.

Predictions for the year, Leah chirped as she bobbed in her seat.

And just like that, I was back in the present and I felt my own smile spread. It was the way we started every new school year; the normalcy of it was something I relied on. We would come up with a rundown of what we wanted to accomplish, and at the end of the year, we’d do a review. Ever the planner, I jotted our goals in my phone so we could stay on top of things.

When we were younger, our dreams consisted of things like get a boyfriend, kiss said boyfriend, and pass ninth grade. It was a simpler time because we had no idea what high school would entail.

But over the years, our lists became longer and more challenging.

You wanna go first? I asked as I readied my phone in my hand so I could put the list into the notes, but she shook her head.

All right then, I’ll go. Let’s see. I tapped my finger on the phone as I thought. We need to narrow down college choices and apply early to three by December, I said, typing the words into my phone.

Leah groaned as she threw her head back before looking at me. Mine is, to date a jock...specifically—Jack.

Okay, so maybe it was just my list that was no longer simple.

Volunteer at the shelter and get more community service hours, I said, adding my goal to the list.

Brighton, don’t you have enough service hours already?

Colleges like that stuff. You know...you could use a few more yourself, I said in my best mothering tone. Next goal?

Find you a boyfriend, she said as I stared at her open-mouthed. Leah nodded down at the phone in my hand. Put it on the list.

"What? I’m not putting that on the list. It’s supposed to be your goals."

Put. It. On. The. List, she said evenly. "That is my goal. Whether you help me make it happen is up to you."

Fine. I begrudgingly punched the words into the note and read out my own as I added to the growing list. "Leah will get all As this year."

Very funny, she muttered. Not gonna happen.

Well, I think you can do it, I said.

Leah never gave herself enough credit. She was smarter than she let people believe, and it drove me crazy. I never understood people who dumbed themselves down for the sake of popularity. But that was exactly what my best friend did more often than not.

It started freshman year when we were in pre-AP English. We were interpreting poems and songs—something that she loved. The teacher called on her about a certain stanza in a song and Leah confidently gave her answer—which was incredible. She was smiling and waiting for the teacher to say something, but her smile faded when a few classmates began snickering behind her.

Good thing you’re pretty, one of them said.

I watched as the smile faded from her face, only to be replaced by a bigger, more fake smile. She turned to the guy who said it and laughed before turning her attention back to the teacher.

From then on, Leah played the part of pretty and dumb. And she was anything but. She played aloof and pretended not to know what people were talking about, but when it was just the two of us, I saw the real her.

When the two of us were together, I was often overlooked in favor of my blond-haired friend. She was trendy, always wearing cute tops with shorts, and waking up an hour early to fix her hair in different ways. Leah’s blue eyes, porcelain skin tone, and curvy figure garnered her a lot of attention. At first she seemed uncomfortable with the looks she’d receive, but eventually she came to accept, and maybe even need it.

If she was the beautiful-dumb half of our friendship, I was the awkward-smart one.

At least that was probably what people assumed.

I wasn’t as curvy as Leah, but I wasn’t exactly a stick either. I was always the no-frills jeans and t-shirt type of girl because I was comfortable wearing that. The one exception, the first day of school. And my straight brown hair was usually in a ponytail unless Leah happened to insist on trying some twisty, braided number she found online.

I suppose my lack of trying to fit in led people to believe that I didn’t care. Or maybe they just thought I was anti-social.

But it couldn’t have been further from the truth. Given the right setting, and a group of people I was comfortable around, I could out-talk and out-fun anyone. But those glimpses into that side of me were rare and reserved for my closest friends and family.

It was my curse that I was too quiet and painfully shy to put myself out there. But I did my best to overcome my personality obstacles by my various volunteering duties.

I wanted Leah to try harder, to not give a damn about what people thought about her. And she wanted me to care more. Needless to say, we were at an impasse.

So...did Evan say anything about me last night? she asked.

I had known it was only a matter of time before she asked about my brother. He was only two years older than us, and Leah had a crush on him the moment she locked eyes on his scrawny frame when we were kids.

He and our older brother Aiden, tortured Leah and me when we were kids by locking us out of the house, embarrassing us in stores by shouting to random guys that we liked them, and eavesdropping on our conversations. There were times when I wished I was an only child. Luckily, Aiden outgrew his immaturity and kept to people his own age. The two of us looked more like siblings, favoring our mom. We joked that Evan was switched at birth because he was blond-haired and green-eyed...and looked nothing like anyone in our family.

I never understood why Leah was so infatuated with Evan. But at twenty years old and surrounded by college women, Evan wasn’t interested in a high school girl, especially one that happened to be my best friend.

We had been leaving the house the night before to go for a drive in her new car when she’d spotted Evan. All of a sudden she sucked in her stomach and pushed out her chest as she sauntered toward him. It was comical to watch the effort she made to get his attention.

She’d made a big show of flirting with him, and he’d played along, much to my annoyance. She’d left my house practically walking on air, with a dreamy smile on her face, and all I could do was scowl at my brother.

He was on the phone with someone when I got home, I lied. I couldn’t tell her that I’d had to lecture my brother about giving her false hope, or that he wasn’t, and would never be, interested in her.

Her mouth was in a straight line, and it was as though Evan’s inattention bothered her more than I realized. She was infatuated with him, and I wished she would get over it. I changed the subject to things she liked—clothes, her new car...Jack.

After what felt like an hour, we pulled onto the street that led to Plymouth High School and drove to the senior parking lot. We’d waited three long years to be able to park in the hallowed lot, and the day had finally arrived. As Leah pulled into her spot, she waved at some classmates, clearly loving the looks her new car brought her.

She opened her door and slid out of the seat, her heels clicking on the concrete below. I dropped the visor door to check my wind-blown hair in the mirror, but stopped when I heard a voice.

Nice ride, Leah, Jack said as he sauntered toward the car.

It took significant restraint not to roll my eyes and gag, but I still managed a snort at his arrogance. The jerk hadn’t said two words to her the other day and barely acknowledged her existence. But there he was, finally showing her attention. I wish I could say she played it cool, but Leah’s smile and body language told another story.

Thanks. Leah smiled coyly. Did you have fun the other night at the lot?

It was a good time. You should’ve come out, he answered as he leaned against the side of the car. I watched him look around and wave to a few people, flashing his grin to anyone and everyone.

Leah’s shoulders sagged but she tried to keep her chin up. I could see she was devastated. I opened my mouth to tell him that we were there, but she silenced me with a narrowed glance. I tried to convey my thoughts through a series of random gestures, but she simply waved me off before looking at him again.

She was crushed when she didn’t get a chance to talk to him the other night, and she’d done everything except tackle people in an effort to spend some time with the guy. I had to remind her, numerous times, that if she wanted to hang with Jack she needed to find something they had in common—and preferably do it when there was less of a crowd. But he was the star pitcher for the varsity team and was known by almost everyone. Alone time was not something I imagined him having.

Still, I couldn’t see why she was drawn to him.

You ready for school to start? she asked excitedly.

Hell no, he scoffed, and I noticed that Leah schooled her features.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was just telling Brighton that I’m so not ready for summer to be over, she lied.

Leah was possibly more excited about the school year than I was, but for different reasons. She’d traveled with her parents for vacation, and then they sent her to visit Grandma Genevieve for a month. She was so worried that her social standing was failing, and school was the only solution to save it.

Hey Brighton, Jack said, smiling at me, his straight pearly whites nearly blinding me. I was waiting for the ding and sparkle to reflect when I realized I hadn’t answered him. Have a good summer?

It wasn’t bad, I said, opening my door and stepping out to grab my things. You?

Same. Worked. Surfed. Played some ball. Were you here all summer?

Pretty much, I said, closing the door and walking around the front of the car to wait for Leah, but she was too busy staring at Jack. Leah! You coming?

Another guy walked over and engaged Jack in a brief hello, giving Leah a moment to gawk in silence.

Leah? I called out again.

You go ahead. I’ll catch up, she said absently, not bothering to look my way.

You sure?

Jack, she cooed, can you help me figure out how to get the top up? This was the first time I’ve put it down.

Finally dismissed from best friend duty for the moment, I rolled my eyes and walked off. First time my ass. The day her parents bought the convertible of her dreams, she’d put the top up and down more times than I could count. Leah was lucky I loved her like my own sister, because I didn’t tolerate acts like hers from many people. It wasn’t that I thought I was better than others; I just had high expectations from those that I admired. And I did admire Leah. She was an incredibly talented artist, winning awards for her work. She was always willing to take chances and try new things—like theater—and it that one had ended up being her calling. Her ability to talk to almost anyone was the one gift I wished I had.

I had a front-row seat over the years, watching as Leah turned into one of the people she aspired to be—popular. She relished the attention, but for some reason it wasn’t enough. It was like she needed more attention. There was always someone overshadowing her, someone more popular.

And I was content to be a spectator.

Leah was popular, and I was the wallflower.

She liked to party, and I was all about my future.

She had an edge to her personality, and I was a bleeding heart.

But no matter our differences, we respected each other and went out of our way to be there when we were needed most.

Like in tenth grade, when my grandma died and Leah had skipped school to be with me while I sat on bed while I cried for hours on end. As if that weren’t enough, the next day she had gone to school and collected all the work I’d missed so that I wouldn’t be behind when I came back.

And when she lost the lead in the school play to Julia Fontenot, her nemesis, I was sitting in the front row on opening night, cheering her on and giving her a bouquet of flowers bigger than Julia received.

As I walked away from her car, I could hear her talking to Jack and I knew I didn’t want to watch the show. If I stayed around any longer, there was a chance I’d say something to embarrass her and I didn’t want to do that. I was reliable, responsible, boring Brighton. I didn’t run my mouth unnecessarily, mainly because it took proper effort to keep myself in check.

She needed it that way. I think Leah depended on me to keep the balance in our shifting world. I probably needed the routine as much as she did.

Stepping into the brick building where I’d spend my final year, I felt a wave of pride consume me. My last year at Plymouth, and then I’d be moving off—hopefully—to an out-of-state school where I could pursue a degree in business. It wasn’t that I was eager for the year to be over—I actually liked school and my teachers had been pretty great—but I was ready to begin the next phase of my life, despite my mom’s insistence that I not rush to grow up.

Hey Brighton, I heard a familiar voice call out.

I turned to see my one-time crush and current friend Matt walking toward me, grinning widely. He pushed his thin black-rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose as he got closer and I noticed his usually messy brown hair was newly cut.

Matthew Larkin was, by most people’s accounts, a geek. He was one of those guys who proudly wore his nerdiness, but it somehow made others around him embrace it. I was drawn to him freshman year in World Geography when he sat next to me and asked to borrow a pencil. He was so adorably awkward that it was an instant crush for me. And of course Leah had teased me relentlessly for liking someone like him. But I think that’s what made me like him more. He didn’t know that he was a hottie in disguise. Matt was just Matt, and it didn’t matter who he was talking to or what they were talking about. Everyone liked him because he was a good guy.

And over time, as I got to know him, he became a friend that I respected and admired. I still thought he was cute, and he’d filled out some, but we were friends—though I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous when I heard the whispers among a small group of girls about how cute he was becoming.

Matty! I shouted as I closed the distance between us. I had to stand on my toes to wrap my arms around his neck and he returned the hug.

We had seen each other several times over the summer, but it wasn’t as frequent as I had expected. Between his girlfriend, little brother, and visits to see his family out of town, he wasn’t available like he was during the school year. But we’d managed to text everyday and I was well aware of the things going on in his life.

Damn, you look good, he complimented as we parted.

He looked me up and down, and for the first time in a long time I felt self-conscious around him. It was out of character for him to say something so forward, but I appreciated compliment. The funny thing about it—when I’d wanted Matt to look at me the way he did at that moment, he didn’t. But standing there as the friends we’d become, he was blatantly checking me out.

You cut your hair, I said, tousling the shortened locks. I like it.

He quickly ran his hand through his hair to fix what I’d messed up, but gave up.

So tell me again why we haven’t dated, he questioned playfully, wrapping his arm around my neck.

I felt the smallest of a stab to my chest at his words, because if he knew how much I’d crushed on him for the last two years, he probably wouldn’t be so flippant about it. But did my best to hide any signs that his words got to me.

You couldn’t handle me, I snapped back with a smirk.

You’re probably right. Guess I’ll just have to settle for loving you in secret, he said dramatically, clutching his chest.

Why? Why are you doing this to me?

I swallowed hard and did my best to ignore the statement.

If you only knew.

It’s not a secret if you tell me.

Where’s your shadow? he asked of Leah as he looked back between us.

The mutual dislike between Matt and Leah was no secret. Neither cared to pretend they were friends—not even for my sake. He was one of the few guys who didn’t fall for her charms, or fall all over himself to impress her. That was probably why she detested him so much. But I had no idea why he hated her. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought there was something between them.

Talking to Jack, I answered.

We walked in silence a few steps and then I stopped, pulling him aside to stand near a series of lockers. He looked behind us, but there was no one around. When he looked at me, his smile faded as he turned serious, matching my mood.

How are you? I asked as I looked up into his eyes.

When I’d been out with Leah the other night, I’d gotten a chance to talk to Matt but it seemed like something was off. He’d admitted that his girlfriend Devan had broken up with him. I met her a few times and thought they made a cute couple, even though it killed me to admit it.

I guess she wanted something different, hence the breakup. Still, I’d never gotten a chance to bring over the dartboard like he wanted...but he seemed to be doing fine.

Stop looking at me like that, he said with a sigh as he reached down and squeezed my hand. I told you, I’m fine. The breakup was mutual. It made no sense to do the long distance thing. I mean, it’s not like I planned on marrying her.

I know, but still...

Still nothing, Bright. I’m not upset. Actually, I’m really good.

Good? Matt, you and Devan have been together for almost a year.

Yeah, but we’ve been growing apart for a while. I guess she just figured it was time...I wanted...never mind.

What do you mean it was time?

He placed his hands on my shoulders and slouched so that he was at my eye level and smiled. Not now, Bright. Okay? But I promise you, I’m fine.

I pushed off the lockers and slipped my arm into the crook of his, pulling him down the hallway as we searched for our lockers. We planned to share if we were on opposite sides of the school, to make it easier for storage. Granted, the principal frowned upon that sort of thing, but it was harmless.

I’ve missed you, Matty, I said, resting my head on his shoulder as we walked.

Matthew Larkin was easy to like as both a crush and a friend. He was reliable, sweet, and easy on the eyes, despite Leah’s claims that he was nothing more than a geek.

I missed you, too Whitman, he said.

Gross, I heard Leah’s voice say before I saw her, and my body cringed. I knew the verbal vitriol was about to start and there was nothing I could do about it.

Hey Leah, I said as we stopped walking and turned to face her.

My locker’s over here. C’mon, she said, completely ignoring Matt’s existence.

Actually, I think mine’s this way. Matt and I are checking now, so I’ll meet up with you later, I told her and watched as her smile faded.

Whatever, she said, stomping off without another word.

That went better than I thought, I said, glancing up at Matt. But I’m gonna hear about that later.

I don’t get it. I mean, I know she’s your best friend and all, but she’s so controlling.

Easy, buddy. You can’t talk about her like that—at least not to me, I said defensively. "I know you two don’t like each other, but like you said, she’s my best friend. And just like I don’t let her talk bad about you, you can’t talk bad about her. Okay?"

Got it, he said as we continued to walk in silence. We didn’t speak after I’d