Terror to Triumph: Rebuilding Your Life After Domestic Violence – Stories of Strength and Success: Stories of strength and success, #2

Introduction

‘Putting pen to paper released all that hurt and connection to my past and set me free.’

How should survivors feel, after we have left? I am not sure, but we did not feel what others expected us to feel.

My friend came bustling up to me with a big smile, rushing towards me, arms open, ready for an embrace, as she said in an upbeat tone, ‘Congratulations! You’re out.’ I did not feel that congratulations were in order. I felt like a failure. My marriage, relationship and life had failed. I didn’t feel like celebrating. There was a mixture of loss, grief, shame, anger, resentment, regret, uncertainty, relief and excitement. How can one person feel so many mixed emotions at once? It was certainly a confusing time. People would say I should be happy, though happiness was not what I felt.

As the years progressed, their tune changed: ‘You’re a man-hater.’ Their words could not be further from the truth. It is ongoing fear and lack of trust that makes survivors hesitant – scared to meet someone like that again. But where could we go for help? Who would understand?

As domestic violence survivors, we knew only too well that there was limited support for long-term recovery. That’s why we founded the charity Broken to Brilliant. We do not work in the crisis or transition phases, but rather help people rebuild their lives, using personal experiences and stories to share the journey that lies ahead.

It is therapeutic for survivors to share their life story in a way that doesn’t deny the trauma, but conveys the person’s strengths and resilience. They describe their survival and the solutions they put in place to recover after adversity. Voicing personal experience and using creative expression as a self-help tool ¹ can facilitate healing from the trauma of domestic violence. ² Stories of survival, recovery and remaking of self, following domestic and family violence have been found to be empowering.

These are the very reasons for our series of books on rebuilding life after domestic violence. We are creating roadmaps for recovery. Approaching the story in this way helps to restore hope for both the victim and the readers. ³

The impact of family and domestic violence

The impact of domestic and family violence does not stop once you leave the abusive relationship. The effects continue to impact the survivor’s everyday lives, wellbeing and aspirations. Many will continue to experience violence, threats and attempts to control their lives from their former partner. Most will not be able to continue in the same workplace. Many will need support from family and friends for immediate accommodation. They often need to move suburbs and even states to rebuild their life. Their social activities and connections to the community decrease and they experience depression, anxiety and a range of other mental and physical health issues. ⁴ One study found that the physical and mental health of women who experienced domestic violence was ‘consistently worse’ after 16 years than those who had not experienced abuse, and these effects could last a lifetime. ⁵

There has not been a lot of research into how survivors of domestic violence fully achieve psychological and physical wellbeing as they encounter the demands of creating a new life. ⁶ ⁷ The Victorian Royal Commission into Family Violence 2016 found that the ‘current responses to family violence do not sufficiently emphasise recovery and restoration and may even impede it. The ultimate objective of the family violence system must be that victims, including children, can recover and thrive at their own pace’. ⁸

Domestic and family violence is emotional, social, financial, verbal, sexual and physical abuse, where one family member dominates another.

One partner in a relationship attempts, by physical or psychological means, to dominate and control the other. The relationship can be either heterosexual and homosexual, and the abuse of power can continue after separation. In the large majority of cases, the offender is male and the victim female. ⁹ ¹⁰ The perpetrator controls their partner through fear, for example, by using violent or threatening behaviour. ¹¹ It is a pattern of behaviour that escalates over time, slowly eroding the victim’s confidence and ability to leave. ¹²

Domestic violence includes:

physical violence – slaps, shoves, hits, punches, pushes, being thrown down stairs or across the room, kicking, twisting of arms, choking, and being burnt or stabbed

sexual assault or sexual violence – rape, sexual assault with implements, being forced to watch or engage in pornography, enforced prostitution, and being made to have sex with friends of the perpetrator

psychological and emotional abuse – controlling behaviours such as control of finances, and isolation from family and friends. ¹³

The World Health Organisation has found that 35% of women worldwide have experienced either intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime, and 38% of murders of women are committed by an intimate partner. ¹⁴

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare has assembled the following statistics about violence based on data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) as a result of a current or previous partner. Men are more likely to experience violence from strangers and in a public place; women are most likely to know the perpetrator (often their current or a previous partner) and the violence usually takes place in their home. One in six Australian women and one in 16 men have been subjected to physical and/or sexual violence.

Almost one in four (23%) women and one in six (16%) men have experienced emotional abuse.

Almost one in five women (18%) and one in 20 men (4.7%) have experienced sexual violence (sexual assault and/or threats).

Each day, on average, almost eight women and two men were hospitalised after being assaulted.

Each week, one woman was killed as a result of violence.

Each month, one man was killed as a result of violence.

People who as children witnessed partner violence against their parents were 2–4 times as likely to experience partner violence themselves (as adults) as people who had not. Nearly 2.1 million women and men witnessed violence towards their mother by a partner, and nearly 820,000 witnessed violence towards their father, before the age of 15.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of homelessness for women with children. In 2016–17, about 72,000 women, 34,000 children and 9,000 men seeking homelessness services reported that family and domestic violence caused or contributed to their homelessness.

Family violence occurs at higher rates for Indigenous Australians than for non-Indigenous Australians. Indigenous homicide victims were killed at twice the rate of non-Indigenous victims. Indigenous women were 32 times more likely to be hospitalised due to family violence than non-Indigenous women, while Indigenous men were 23 times more likely to be hospitalised than non-Indigenous men. ¹⁵

The financial cost of violence against women and their children has been estimated at $22 billion. ¹⁶

For children, exposure to domestic violence increases their risk of mental health, behavioural and learning difficulties in the short term, and of developing mental health problems later in life. ¹⁷ Women who have been exposed to violence have a greater risk of developing a range of health problems including stress, anxiety, depression, pain syndromes, phobias, somatic and medical symptoms. They report poorer physical health overall, are more likely to engage in practices that are harmful to their health and experience difficulties in accessing health services. ¹⁸ The long-term impacts of domestic violence include post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, eating disorders, early onset menopause and negative impacts on income, home-ownership and superannuation. ¹⁹ Emotions that stem from abuse – including distrust, bitterness, loneliness, anxiety, sadness, fear, shame, and confusion – can persist after leaving the abuser and affect the process of recovery. ²⁰ There is less research about the long-term impacts of domestic violence on men. The studies that have been undertaken have shown that men are less likely to report the abuse, and suffer from poorer mental health such as depression. ²¹ For both male and female victims there is increased risk of poor health, depression, substance use, chronic disease, chronic mental illness, and injury. ²²

Violence has been woven into the accepted blanket of our lives and it is smothering our society. We need to unpick the fabric of society and cast new stitches of RESPECTFUL relationships, so we can ALL live and love and be free to choose life and laughter.

While we continue approaching domestic violence as a gendered issue we continue to create a divide. This divide deepens the division between men and women. It perpetuates inequality and pits the genders against each other. As Jackson Katz said in his Ted Talk ‘Violence Against Women is a Men’s Issue’: men and boys are also being abused by men.

What is needed is for men and women to work together to break the silence. This will create a radical change and transformation so that future generations won’t have the level of tragedy that we are dealing with daily.

The impact of our series of books

In 2016, we were proud to launch our first book in this series, Broken to Brilliant: Breaking Free to Be You After Domestic Violence, Stories of Strength and Success. Hundreds of these books have been gifted to domestic violence survivors in shelters and refuges, or to other services that support domestic violence survivors as they rebuild their lives. These books have been donated by generous and caring people through our ‘Give a Book’ campaign and through grants.

We conducted an anonymous online survey and found that our other readers included domestic violence survivors or their friends, professionals who work with domestic violence victims, and also people who have no experience of domestic violence. All readers said they found the book inspiring and helpful. It educated them about domestic violence and strategies to rebuild lives. Most readers reported that they experienced personal growth after reading this self-help book.

We were encouraged by comments like these:

‘Excellent insight to surviving domestic violence and good tips for hard times in general.’

‘So much focus has been on helping women get out of the situation (which is needed) but this is the first book I have seen that helps you once you are out of the situation and getting back on your feet … This book gives me hope that I can do it.’

‘Congratulations to the authors for sharing – very validating and practical information for domestic violence.’

‘Gives hope to others experiencing domestic violence and the choices they can make to have a new beginning.’

‘It’s inspiring and has good, solid advice.’

‘Thank you for pulling this amazing, timeless project together. Such a valuable resource for everyone involved in rebuilding lives after domestic violence.’

The book also had an impact on its authors. The ten Broken to Brilliant writers said they would recommend the writing process to other survivors. Most experienced personal growth through the writing process and felt that it was therapeutic.

Overall, the authors found that writing their story helped to turn a bad experience into a good one. They said it gave meaning to their experience, set them free and helped them to focus on the positives of what they have achieved. They felt the Broken to Brilliant book would become a keepsake, ensuring their experience was not forgotten, and that it would help their family members understand. Knowing their story was going to serve others in the same situation made the process humbling, added a sense of purpose and worth to their lives, and they felt honoured to be involved.

However, they also felt embarrassed, found it hard to turn their story into eloquent words, and feared negative responses from family and friends – or that their ex-husband may read it. A common statement among the authors was: ‘My story is not good enough – I’m not brilliant enough to be in a book titled Broken to Brilliant.’ This lack of worth stemmed from a sense of shame: ‘I’m one of those women.’ They worried that their story wasn’t bad enough, that no-one would listen or believe them, or that if their solution was faith it would not be acceptable.

After sharing their story there was an overall 30% improvement in their belief that their story was worthy of being shared. They found the process of writing their stories to be cathartic. It allowed the authors to reflect on how far they had come.

The authors said:

‘If I can make it through apathy and suicidal thoughts and come to this place now, it is possible for [the readers] too.’

‘Amazingly, I no longer feel like that was my life. I am so far removed from it now.’

‘Putting pen to paper released all that hurt and connection to my past and set me free.’

‘It allowed me to take a step back and actually recognise the things I got through and what steps I actually took. To see the beauty and the power of my strengths vs the weakness and brokenness. It showed me that there was value to my life and my story and that I can turn my pain into purpose to help serve others.’

Professionals who work in refuges and shelters have said that they have found the book very helpful, as women can relate to the stories and the stories are all different. They use the book as a sample to help other women with their story and to comfort them, supporting women towards resilience. Their clients have said:

‘This sounds like my story.’

‘Can I take the book with me when I leave?’

‘This book gives me hope that I can get through this.’

Broken to Brilliant has been featured in newspapers, radio and television news. It received a bronze award in the self-help category of the eLit awards, a global program committed to illuminating and honouring the very best of English language digital publishing.

Terror to Triumph

When we saw the impact the book Broken to Brilliant has had on people’s lives – how the words from the book breathed hope into people’s hearts, how it gave them a spark that jump-started a new chapter in their lives, and how the power of people’s stories created ripples of recovery and repair – we could not turn away and stop these ripples of healing.

And so the concept for Terror to Triumph emerged.

We wanted to enhance our support for the authors, so this time we held a four-day live-in writing retreat. The program included art therapy, personal writing coaching, workshops on writing technique, a burning ceremony to release the past, and positive affirmation activities. Eleven women and one man attended. The authors said that the support we provided felt authentic as they felt loved, valued and heard. Trust was built among the group. The retreat changed their thinking. They felt more confident and encouraged. It opened their minds to alternative self-care methods. One person said, ‘I leave a different person. There is no doubt about that.’

Each author has been brave to step forward to share their story.

The result is twelve powerfully-written stories, describing the terror each one experienced and the additional challenges encountered from a system that is supposed to help and support. Most importantly, each story details the practical steps taken physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually to build new lives. The authors share how they went about their ongoing recovery and reclaimed self to reach a sense of triumph.

We salute each one for their courage and dedication, and hope this book will bring change and possibility into your life, too.

Andrea and Kate

Founding Directors, Broken to Brilliant

1

The Silence of Shame

‘I felt powerful and in control as I triumphantly walked by him.’

Ihad been churning about it for weeks. Ask him. Don’t be so gutless! All I wanted was to be able to take my children to visit my family.

Finally, I said the words. As they left my lips I watched his eyes glaze over. The switch had flipped, and I knew I was in for it. A feeling of dread washed over my trembling body. ‘Run!’ my reeling mind screeched in silence.

The intensity of his rage spurred my retreat. Yet I was too slow. He pinned me to the wall with a hand around my throat, clenched fist digging into the flesh of my cheek. Frothing at the mouth, spit flying everywhere, he