My House

Contents

Preface

2. Kapitel

Preface

The war is terrible. Negative. It is something that destroys people, especially the children. It leaves a deep mark that is passed on to generations in the form of various inexplicable fears, from one to another. Those fears are a weird process, they are playing with us, and they are turning into something that is attacking us all the time, making us closed-minded persons, killing us inside. There are two possibilities: either we inherit it from the great-grandfathers who survived wars or who had died during the war, or they were in the war situation. One of the forms of survivors of the war is the common name: A REFUGEE or A FOREIGNER, the one who finds himself or herself in another country due to war circumstances, that is in a foreign country and is being forced to seek the cause of fears throughout their life.

Fear may also initiate many other things. For example, it reveals people’s talents, it awakes hope, desire. Fear may become a person who is walking, sitting, sleeping next to us, talking to us. Fear may also save our lives. That fear is in us, in refugees, in people who are lost, in expelled ones, in war orphans.

The fear leads us to God. Then it is a little bit clearer where to put it. Dear God has its own methods and ways to evoke us to Him. Who discovers them, finds its life again. An encounter with the fear is an encounter with the God, with ourselves. What aren’t we all able to do when we are scared? Many things, but most importantly, is to start living our lives.

My life was full filled with fear. My decisions were part of me and under the influence of those various fears. But they were good decisions and close to God.

I began to write this story when I wanted to discover where my fear was and what it made out me.

I had a severe flu for days. I couldn’t eat anything neither to drink. I was just laying down and bubbling. I was in pain. I cannot even remember when I was laying down in bed for more than two days. I felt the time stopped, and I was told to stop for a while, thinking about where to go. Take it easy. I asked myself how it all went so far. Quickly. As in that train in 1992, from Belgrade to Munich.

On May 6, 1992, I was allowed to do everything. Even entering to Germany. Paradise on the Earth, the promised land full of various miracles and beauties.

My journey continues, there is no end. Perhaps it is better that way, otherwise I will lose my hope that I am in the land of wonders, or that the real feelings will be shown eventually.

This is our story. The story of the generation 1967/8/9, or somewhere around.

My name is Ana.

I was born in Bosnia in 1968.

I grew up in the family of professional educators, with books and commitments, and working habits. I was polite, straightforward, with no mistakes, an honest person. There is a power and pride running in my blood, the partisan spirit. My father used to teach me not to have a fear of anyone and noone. He was always supportive to me. I had a lovely, careless childhood, full of joy and I was smiling all the time. I had many friends, the first love and the first disappointment because the man of my dreams didn’t want me, and I loved him. Then a little bit later there was more serious love, the wedding was announced, and at the end it was a breakup.

When I close my eyes, I feel the smell of fog and autumn. The beginning of the winter. My nose, my lungs were filled up with this fragrance, with this power that gives me the memory of a neighbour who was wearing his pajamas and slippers, throwing out the garbage from the balcony in a rush. It was the third floor. No consequnces. Every time you burst out of laugh.

In November 1991, the first refugees came to my town. Those were people who suddenly, without a reason, had to leave their homes and seek shelter elsewhere in order to stay alive. My hope was that it was happening only now and never again. I just began working. I had been trying so hard to graduate successfully and I thought it was necessary to do so for my country and my people too. I was sure that a great future is in front of me. My first days at work were full filled with the scent of winter, and behind there was a fear of war which was about to begin. I said NO to this reality, my reality was my future, my work, good earning, being married to a prince of my dreams. Who needs this war? I must fall in love with the right one!

I was facing one another reality.

Our offices were becoming more and more empty. Men were going somewhere, most likely to the battlefields in Croatia. The women were desperate, they were talking bitterly about everything and were scared for their husbands. I was just surprised and dreaming about my future. I have no idea to let myself to think about bad thoughts. I was going out every night with my friends to our favorite cafes. No one believed that a war disaster was even closer. From an hour to an hour.

At one of those evenings, at my favorite cafe which was full of folks, hapenned exactly what I was longing for. A pair of beautiful blue eyes, dotted with long thick lashes, was standing in front of me. And even closer, we were forced to meet each other, pushed by the crowd, into conversation.

- I saw you today in the firm. I was visiting my cousin.

Aah, yeah - first of all I was surprised from where this young man knows me. Then I added: You are the one who has no girlfriend! That’s what your cousin told me!- I replied to him.

I was trying to hear what he was talking me. It was so loud inside, typically for the weekend. He tried halfway to turn around and to introduce me his younger cousin: This is my aunt’s son, my cousin-pulling him over towards us apologizing to the people around us. It was a young man, tall, skinny, with a lovely green eyes and a sweet smile suggested us to go out so we could hear each other much better.

- „I am Filip, this is my little cousin, Aleks!"

„I am glad, I am Ana!"-I said briefly because I couldn‘t catch my breath. I was instantly in love. He was handsome, seductive, simply irresistible.

„Can we go somewhere else for a drink tomorrow?"-he asked me, and I accepted by nodding. I was very happy.

As a refugee from Croatia, he got a job in a discount store, using some connection. His uncle, Aleksić, a very prominent politician in the town, found him this kind of job, in these difficult times. Filip was blown away and grateful for this job, because without money you cannot survive. I was so happy having him next to me. He gave to my life the meaning, the hope that nothing bad will happen. NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

He told me about his childhood, which was not simple at all. He grew up with his mother, a teacher, descent from Banja Luka’s region. When she got pregnant with him, her boyfriend left her and got married to another woman. She took her son and left the family in Bosnia.

She went to Croatia to seek a fortune. She raised Filip by herself, with much effort and giving up of everything. Sometimes a man appeared in her life, but no one could replace Filip‘s father. Filip met his father at puberty for the first time. His father was looking for them when he got divorced from his wife. He had no place to live so he settled down with the two of them in Croatia and he immediately found himself a mistress while Filip‘s mother was at work. The two of them immediately kicked him out. Later on Filip tried to live with him, but his father was so obsessed with women and drinks and he did not care about him at all. In the end he was involved with a much younger woman and became a father for the fifth time.

Filip could not find a father in him so he returned to his mother in the village. Since then he had not seen him neither he had any contact with him. After all he had told me, I was very fond of his mother, a great survivor and a „woman hero".

We used to see other every night. We were so in love so I could not sleep. I was hardly waiting to see him again so we can love each other, laugh and dream together. All of that, what a couple in love do. Nothing was important to me, just him. My parents were mostly going on my nerves. My brother was very distant. I just wanted to be with Filip. He was the only one who full filled my wishes and hopes. How beautiful was our future. My family, his family, our secure jobs. I had a feeling that everyone in this world loved me.

Every day I was going to work full of enthusiasm and strength. I was in love. And happy too.

But as soon as I came into the firm, I would have heard only those stupid war stories. The fears of all those hags. For me everything was exaggerated, exaggerated fear of no foundation. I was constantly asking myself what they were all talking about. Was it so important? „Where‘s the war here, I ask you nicely?"

It was going on my nervous so I was looking at my watch all the time asking myself when working day would end. I was running home to get ready for a date with Filip. Again at seven o‘clock, at our cafe. I have not even noticed my mother. Her comments I used to hear on the way out.

- „Ana, my dear child, be careful. You do not even know that guy well. It‘s an ordinary refugee, with no education! What is wrong with you? You had been studying and learning so much and you just waste your time with this guy.„

My father had already asked around about his mother. And about his origin. His mother was a fool, without a husband. „Did you know he grew up without a father? Do not see him as often as possible, aren’t you ashamed to be with a man like this? Do you take the first man who comes on your way, or what? „- she was angry and sometimes she banned me from going out. Being 23?! I was totally careless about anything. It was my life. I just followed my dream.

One December morning, all of a sudden, echos of explosion began. You could hear the explosions so near, as if someone was doing it behind the corner. In fact, these were explosions and shootings coming from the Croatian territory, across the Sava river. My father jumped: - „Children, stay at home. Outside is dangerous! THE WAR HAS JUST BEGUN!„

- „Mirko, do not scare the children with no reason. It is nothing, the fools will calm down again! I‘m going to the market, everything will be all right! „-said mother and went out so we could not notice how scared she was.

My best friend, Vanesa, went out one night with us. We wanted to order a pizza and have a drink. I wanted her to meet him.

She phoned me the next day and said that he was not on my level.

- „You are much better than him, Ana! Your mother is right! He does not have your spirit!"

I could not hear anything negative about him, although I knew somewhere deep in my soul that Vanessa was right. And that my mother was right.

I defended myself, and I also defended him.

„Vanesa, you know what he was going through, as a refugee? His mother and he went through a lot on their own!„

For her the very concept of him being a refugee out there, was enough to make her own image of him.

„Why did not you want to go to war?"-I asked him one evening after making a passionate love.

- „War is stupid! I hate the army! You certainly know how much I hate Croats! These are the worst scumbags in the whole world! Once when I was in my village, back there in Slavonia, and there was a Croatian girl who I slapped so hard that she almost fell on the ground unconsciously. Then you have got the picture, right?„

I was shivering, I was warm and cold suddenly at the same time. What should I think? My mother is a Croat! Should I hate her? How should I hate her? I just wanted to go home, to my parents.

My father was constantly sitting in front of the TV and listening to the news. He was nervous about politics, for him all were bad except Serbs. Milosevic and Serbs were fighting for the survival of Yugoslavia, and the rest were a corrupted scumbags who ruined such a beautiful country.

- „My father was killed by ustashe in 1942! I have never met my father, neither my uncles nor my brothers. I was left as the only male child in the family because my mother had hidden me. And those scumbags went out again in the light of day! Do not let anybody to tell me in my house that they are not scumbags, is it clear to all of you? „-he used to walk around in the living room, cursing and shouting.

Mother could not even say anything, she was listening secretly to Croatian radio and did not want anyone to see it because she wanted to hear about the situation there and whether it is dangerous for her mother, brother, sister and her family. They were just living in the so called Krajina region where they were in danger of chetnics who were „wandering around" and wanted that part of Croatia for themselves. I asked myself why we needed it at all. And I love the sea, I grew up there, I love Croatia, I love my grandmother, my uncle, my aunt. What about these stupidities!

The New Year’s Eve of 1992, we welcomed it anxiously and gloomy. There was not even a single firework in the centre of the town, as it used to be celebrated every year. The town was full of refugees, the temperatures were below zero. People with small children were freezing and waiting for any kind of accommodation and food. They lost everything. The house, money, clothes, everything they worked for all their lives. How much human life is worth? Today, nothing. Each of them has lost someone or something. Everyone has their own sorrow.

I do not know if there is anyone who can tell me today that this war was good. We had to lose all in order to learn what was worth of living. How was it for an individual?

For me it was like this:

At the beginning of 1992, the difficulties had been started for me in the firm. The atmosphere itself was heavy and sad. Women were crying non-stop and swearing against war and politics. It was the worst to hear them swearing on everything else what was not Serbian. Men of Croatian and Muslim ethnicity took Serbian names and surnames and went to the Serbian army. Those ones who did not want to do it, had to disappear from the town territory. People from mixed marriages got divorced a lot. Those ones who did not want to get divorced would disappeared overnight, and went over the border, going abroad. There were a lot of vacant jobs arose in Banja Luka’s Toplana, where I wanted to start my internship, as a young graduate economist. I was the student of generation, graduate with the best mark. Omer who used to share the office with me did not come to work one day. I felt sick, at a moment. I began feeling that something was wrong. The director had phoned me to come to his office, to come immediatelly.

- My dear young colleague, what do you say, is it okay for us now, without this Muslim and Croatian scumbags? Right now you can be certain that your career is guaranteed! In order to be like that, my dear child, you know you have to be cooperative ....

- In what way cooperative, comrade director?

- "Well, look, this is the document we released last week. Here please, you are going to sign that Omer had insulted you on a basis of your nationality and that we had to sack him. He is a scumbag, left on his own, but it does not matter! He will not set a foot in here anymore!

"- director got red all over his face, began breathing heavily and put the paper in front of me to sign.

- May I think about it for a while, comrade director? I would rather not sign it immediately,- I asked him quietly.

- It is not a problem, my little daughter, there will be thousands of documents to sign. This is just the beginning! We Serbs have to stick together, now is our moment. It is enough for Muslims and Croats to run this town-Banja Luka. Now it is our turn. Well, take this paper and give it to your father. Let him explain it to you once again what is all about. Do not forget that you work here just because of him, is that clear?

I am going to give it to him, thank you, comrade director,- I went out of his office and felt like a big shit.

This is a horror, this is a madness,-I said it to myself.

On my way home from the Toplana, I was crying bitterly. I knew I would leave this place. The only question is when.

You are going to do what your director told you to do! The situation is as such! It is a war, and there is no justice in war!-my father told me by raising his voice when I gave him the paper that evening.

- Father, it is not fair! ...

Yes, that’s not fair, but you need this job, you earn some money to get yourself independent, right? The times are difficult!- he said in the end and did not want to discuss it with me about it anymore. The phone rang. It was Filip. He had to see me urgently.

I am going to Germany!- he told me as soon as he saw me.

My throat was dry, it was too much that day for me including director, my father, and now this with Filip. I started crying.

Do not cry, I am not going to the end of the world! Only a few months until this shit here is over. If I stay now, my mother’s whole family wants me to go to war. I do not want it! I cannot! Please understand me. I have to go. We also owe some money to my uncle. And I had already been in Germany at Vaso’s place, a year ago. Vaso comes from my village. He is drunk, but I can stay with him until I manage it on my own...

- Why don’t you wait a little bit longer, this situation will calm down soon. My director told me today that only Serbs will remain in the town. So we have a greater chance of living better without Muslims and Croats.

I knew I was talking stupidities in which I did not believe. I never dared to speak in favour of Serbs. I just wanted him to stay, at least not leaving me right now. Because of him, my life had a meaning, and he wanted to leave me.

Vaso is an ordinary drunk, but I will put up with him until I manage to ... -he continued trying to make his decision. It was clear as a day.

Yes, it is better to be there with him than in the street - I managed to mumble.

He is going to leave me for no reason! What is wrong of being here? Here is everything, family, mother, me, his work! Nothing was clear to me. The only thing I hoped for is that he would change his decision by February. He had decided to go in February. Maybe?!

We were still seeing each other every night. We loved each other as mad people. He promised he would call me every night, that he would always think of me. I was afraid of losing him. I did not want him to go away from me. Our young love deserves a chance. Our families are here. Our country ... Our house ...

The month passed by so quickly and he was ready to go. It was not easy to find a transport to Germany because the roads through Croatia and Bosnia were mostly and completely blocked. The only way to go to Germany was through Serbia, and then Hungary, Austria ...

- Little one, I will make it possible, don’t you worry. Believe me and everthing will be fine. It is better for me to go now, in time. Soon everything will be closed and then I have to be in the war. Do you want me to die?

Of course not, you promised you would call me every night?

He kept his promise. He used to call me every night, sometimes even two or three times. We whispered to each other over phone, we loved each other and I missed him.

News began to be more horrible. Many people were killed and injured, expelled. The figures have already been beyond any normality. The critical boundry of the war was closer to Bosnia. The war from Croatia came over to Bosnia.

We have to defend our Bosnia and Herzegovina, our Yugoslavia! We must not allow nationalists to lead our people, to play with our lives. People, the Yugoslavs, rise up against nationalists! Mr. Milošević, Mr. Izetbegović, Mr. Tudjman, get away from our sights, you bring us evil! We are Yugoslavia, one country with three nations who had always lived together in harmony for ages!

Many of our artists, musicians, actors, our Yugoslav intelligence had invited the people to have a common sense.

The locomotive of death had taken young lives throughout this region. Every day.

At the Toplana was a pathetic atmosphere. No one had the will to work. For what, for whom? Anyway everything was ruined and destroyed! Having an idea in my mind, I knocked at the director’s door.

-Comrade director, I would like to ask you to get a month off. I‘m going to visit my boyfriend in Germany. I would like to stay there for a month.

He took a little sip from his bottle, trying to get up on his feet, but he lost the balance. He fell over my feet and being drunk as he was just looked at me and began giggling.

- „Ha, ha ha, little one is in love, so she wants to get away from here to her boyfriend to Germany! And to come back again? Aha!?„

- „Let me help you get up, comrade director?"

„Go and tell to my secretary to give you the confirmation letter and to bring me some coffee, I can manage it on my own!" –somehow he got up on his knees and sat down in his chair.

I took the confirmation letter and ran off to Filip‘s cousin. Jana used to work as a solicitor on the second floor. She looked at me weirdly when I told her about my intentions.

„Filip has always been weird. And my aunt too. As a little boy he used to cut off the chicken necks ... „-she looked somewhere in the distance through the window and was trying to hide her tears so I could not see them.

I did not understand what she wanted to say to me. I did not even hear it, in fact.

- „I am just going to visit him, Jana. Who cares about Germany, I could not live there. I would die there without my parents and my country. What is on your mind?"

On my way home, my tears were running down my face. „Bye Banja Luka, who knows if we will meet again. You are my town, my sun, my life. I will miss you. Why are you so miserable right now? But I will be back soon. Wait for me. How should I say this to my parents? There is no return. I must tell them!"

After lunch I overcame my fear and I said to my parents what were my intentions.

„Well I have hardly found you this job, and you spit on it?!"-my father said to me immediately.

„Father, what is happening right now is stupid. And I do not want to sign any resignations to people in the firm, do you understand that? I made up my mind and I am leaving. When I come back I suppose it will be better!„

My mother has just turned her head on the other side and my brother was looking at one spot.

The days began to be shorter and the time was running quickly. Everything had to be done quickly so that something would not be forgotten.

Every day was special. The information was presented with different intonations, and depending on the position at the battlefield, I had to change my own strategy. Sometimes it seemed that the simplest way was the safest way, through Croatia and Slovenia to Austria. The other night, by listening to the news you were just feeling depressed. There is no way to pass on this way or another, or even if I fly in a plane.

It was mid of April, 1992.

At the „Toplana" was a painful, miserable and frightening situation. There were talks about husbands who went to unknown battlefields, and where they were sent away. Jana left our town with her husband to Croatia last week, at her mother-in-law left somewhere to the seaside where they had a summer house. Her husband was mocked and kicked out from work, and as a Serb she was held in her post, just because of her children and her husband had to disappear from the town. I have heard from Filip‘s mother that she was unhappy and how they were thinking to go to Stuttgart. Talking about me, the desire was even greater to get out of here, out of this hellish town and out of this crazy country. In a month until I get back, everything would be as it was, I comforted myself.

Colleagues at work and neighbours disappeared just like that, today they were here and next day they were gone. It was Dnevnik at 19:30hrs, in which was spoken about counting of the dead people, wounded and refugees. Colonies of refugees came in and out of Banja Luka, every day.

„Ah, the crazy heads will calm down,"-my mother used to say. Secretly she was listening to news on Croatian radio, worried about her family which lived where the heavy battles were taking place in Croatia. She was suffering silently, but she was with us, with her children and our father. She continued doing her job with much strenght and enthusiasm. Nothing had prevented her from continuing to keep the atmosphere of some kind of normality, though nothing more was like that. Sometimes she would say something about the unfairness of the war, but my father did not let us to talk about it.

The town was half-empty. From time to time, the shootings were heard from somewhere, somewhere in the evening far away from here you could hear the thunders from the distant battles. In the dawn it was already quieter. While we were sitting in our flat, four of us, and listening to all the noise around us, for me and my brother, it felt as a fairy tale.

„It is just a small war" – our father used to tell us and pretending that he has more important things to do than to fool around. So my brother and I continued with our old quarrels, playing games, everything was as it used to be.

Filip used to call me every night somewhere around „Dnevnik". He was worried. I told him there was nothing to worry about. Everything was a lie what he was able to hear in German television and radio. Here is all right and as soon as this April is over I will come to visit him, as we have already agreed.

- „Have you seen my mother? -he would ask me from time to time.

- „If you can believe me, we invited her to have a coffee with us. We will be glad if she comes"- I consoled him one night while we were talking.

„Seriously, she is complicated person, but if she has decided to come to you, it means she really likes you,"-he replied, as he was a little bit worried.

My mother was not really delighted about it, but she promised to welcome her nicely.

Trying to live as if nothing was abnormal, was the real thing. When you are twenty-two years old, in the flower of youth,

everything is vibrant, easy going, the life is like a rose that grows every day. Life is wonderful when you have those two blue eyes waiting for you, when all loves you and admire your beauty, youth, and enthusiasm.

„My beauty, my beauty," –I could literally hear how Desa was shouting in my ear, Filip‘s mother.

„Tell to your family that I will come the day after tomorrow, but only for a coffee. I have to meet my sister to help her out with some things,"- she informed me being in a bad mood. I have figured it out that she was probably tired of work, of all those negative information that were constantly going around us.

My mother was disappointed thinking that a refugee should come to her house. Literally she used to yell at me to forget Filip, that he was not the man for me, and especially Desa, no one could stand her.

„Marko would not leave her if she was good person,"- my mother used to repeat it, every time we would talk about that subject. It was rumored that Marko, Filip‘s father, was a very handsome man. My father used to know him when they were young, from the Law school, afterwards their roads had split up. Marko moved to Sarajevo, and my father continued to do his advanced training in Belgrade. When Desa was pregnant with Filip, he had already had a relationship with another woman, a good looking blonde, a colleague. He saw Filip after his birth and disappeared without a trace. Desa remained alone with her child in order to work in a village school north of Croatia, close to the Hungarian border, and he got married to his blond and had two more children. That marriage lasted for several years, while he was not sick of it, and decided to travel from Banja Luka to Sarajevo and there he settled down with a much younger woman with whom he got another son. All of these combinations were unexpectable to my parents.

„Like father, like son,"- my father used to comment, wanting to keep me away completely from my intention to travel to Germany.

Day after day, even my best friend Vanesa with whom I was intensively going out, was no longer in town. The last time we met, I told her that I was going to Munich soon.

„Vanesa, there is no life for us,"-I used to tell her.

„It is the best to get away from here, so if God permits for the situation to calm down, we will come back, so I have to come back in June," – were my last words. I phoned her several times after that, but she did not answer to my calls. I walked to her flat where she lived, everything was closed.

I was surprised by her phone call from Germany, she gave me her phone number, and hung up on me. OVER!

IT WAS OVER. WE SPLIT UP. MY GENERATION, WHERE ARE YOU?!

Just before leaving, and yet it was not defined how should I go to Serbia, then to Germany, Desa came to meet my mother.

It was a brief but bitter encounter of two mothers. One against the other. I tried to put myself in between. Fortunately, Desa was in a hurry, so she had a coffee quickly and ran away to do her business . The comments of my mother were unbearable. It was not important for her how I decribed Filip as a beautiful, worthy, a good guy.

„She is and awful woman, and divorcée. She is contimenated woman, you are going to make our lives miserable, and above all to yourself „- my disappointed mother was preaching to me.

I did not even pay attention to her comments, I organised my departure with my father.

As the end of April was nearby, so the odds for some „normal" departure from the country were totally impossible.

„I have to get out of here as soon as possible, father, I have only one month off, I need to go back to work, do you understand that!?" - I was persistent and waited for him every day when we all came back from work. And I wanted from him to explain to me all the possible chances, the people he used to know in the town, as well in Belgrade and further more, even in Germany, with whom to contact myself, whom I can call if I would need any help.

The battles in Croatia were more and more intensive, in Krajina the shootings were even closer. The traffic was temporarily interrupted until further notice. There wasn’t any traffic, it was too dangerous.

„But there must be some way out, father. You have always talked to me that everything is possible, that there is a solution for each problem,"-I said, intended to even walk where I planned to.

„Tomorrow I have to meet dr Manojlović, he knows someone at the Military hospital. When the next transportation of the wounded people to the Military hospital in Belgrade will be arranged, we will try to put you with them in one of the