Three Days: Friends Duo, #2

ONE

I never meant to hurt her.

That sounds crazy when I think of what I put Rowan through.

None of it made sense until so much later. When I sat in the prison cell, the realisation of what I’d done hit me like a freight train. Consumed with thoughts of getting her back, I’d wanted to reset time, take us back to the way things used to be. Charlie’s death had made that impossible.

Now, I sat in the same cell I’d inhabited for these past three years, thinking about how to put things right. Memories of what I did haunted me. I still dreamed of a happier time, when Charlie, Rowan and I were three musketeers. Charlie was dead, and even being friends with Rowan was so far out of my reach that nothing would ever be the same.

I looked around the walls, drab, that same uniform grey the whole damn building was painted in. These were the walls I’d stared at so many times, wondering how my life could have gone if I had done things differently. It was when I closed my eyes that the memories came flooding back.

Charlie, my beautiful blue-eyed girl. The one who’d committed to love me every day of my life; the one I’d let down so badly. It wasn’t that I had any doubts, but seeing Rowan with another man had left me on edge. I didn’t know I’d wanted her until I couldn’t have her.

I was stupid, immature, desperate, and I’d lost the two people who meant the most to me in the whole world.

Standing, I took one last look around the cell. I wouldn’t miss this place, and yet I’d learned so much about myself while sitting inside these walls.

It was time to get out of here.

With all formalities aside, I made my way to the gate, pausing to look around the big, almost empty car park leading to the road. I shivered. Never coming back here again.

My parents stood either side of the car, waiting. At sight of me, Mum yelped, and ran, throwing her arms around me and hugging me tight. Let’s go home, she whispered.

Before all this, I’d had a good job, a good life. Now, I had to start again, find a way to exist with a criminal record for this crazy thing I’d done. I couldn’t imagine doing it now; the guilt was overwhelming at times. To take Rowan away from her family had been cruel, but at the time, I hadn’t been able to see past my grief and confusion.

Charlie. I still dreamed of Charlie. Our wedding day was blighted by my resentment over Kyle, Rowan’s date. My bride had walked down the aisle, covered in satin and lace, and all I could see was Kyle, his arms wrapped around Rowan as if he possessed her.

I'd been more upset when Rowan broke off our friendship than I let on, pretended to be indifferent rather than let her see just how deeply it affected me. We'd been inseparable when we were younger; suddenly not having her in my life had wrecked me.

The car ride was long, and my thoughts turned to how we used to travel in this same car all those years ago, along this same road. My dad had this huge sentimental attachment to the old HQ Holden he drove, and prided himself on keeping it going for all this time. Rowan, Charlie and I would all sit together in the big backseat, Charlie and I often teasing Rowan about the way she fell asleep on every long journey.

I closed my eyes, unable to count the number of times I’d found her slumped over, held only by a lap belt, her head on my lap as she dozed. Sometimes, when no one was looking, I’d stroke her hair and wonder what life would bring us. The first girl I ever kissed; the first girl to make sense.

Shit. We shouldn’t have come this way, said Dad, waking me out of my daydream. The long, rural road took us past the place where my parents used to own a beach house, the last place I saw Rowan.

It’s okay, Dad, I said, gazing out the window. Her screams, police, crashing in and taking her away, saving her from me—her former best friend.

I’m sorry, Andrew. I know this must be upsetting for you, he said, pressing his foot to the accelerator as if trying to get away as quickly as possible.

I just have to live with it, I said. I looked up at the rear-view mirror, catching his eye, seeing the sorrow in his expression. He didn’t want to make me relive what I’d done, but I would never stop, regardless of his actions.

Sweetheart, we know you’re not a bad person. You just did a bad thing, Mum said.

I nodded. That had to be the understatement of the year, but somehow it was reassuring.

We went past the orchard where Rowan’s parents lived as we drew close to home. The big, old white house stood high among the trees. Every place was steeped in memories of our childhood, and despite my parents trying to take care of me, I wondered how long it would be before I had to leave to stop myself drowning in them.

Rowan’s father was out by the boundary, and waved at Mum and Dad as we went past. At least my actions hadn’t screwed the friendship Mum and Dad had with Rowan’s parents, but I knew it had been strained for a while.

Mum was a stickler for the garden being neat and tidy. The grounds at home were immaculate, as always. The house still looked new, thanks to my father’s sometimes obsessive cleaning of it. They’d lived in this place for thirty years, and you could have sworn it had just been built.

My room was still the same as it had been when I lived here. Back before Charlie and I got together, before the mess that followed. The single bed below the window, the window I used to climb out to run down the road and see Charlie, or in the other direction to see Rowan.

In the corner were some boxes. I recognised them from my old apartment. We’d packed it up before I’d gone inside, and I’d forgotten they were there.

I opened the first one, pulling out a photo of Charlie and I. It was one of our engagement photos, and she was beaming, the love radiating off her like rays of the sun. There I was, gazing adoringly at her. If only things had stayed that simple.

The longer I looked, the closer I came to tears, the weight of my grief overwhelming me as if it were happening all over again. I had so many regrets about the past, but none about loving Charlie.

I had to start a new life, and I had no idea how. All I knew was that I was alone, and I had to deal with it without flipping out again. Doing it once had cost me far too much.

It cost me everything.

TWO

I couldn’t stay.

So many memories surrounded me back home. Everywhere I went reminded me of Charlie. I couldn’t even face her gravestone, so ashamed of my behaviour. She’d been gone three weeks when I’d made a move on Rowan, pushing myself on her even though I knew she was with Kyle. My grief so fresh, I’d reached out to the one person who I thought could bring me comfort, and nearly ruined her life.

I could barely remember what I was thinking at that time—that’s how screwed up I’d been. The last thing I’d needed was to immerse myself in the past when what I needed to do was find the future.

Everything around me screamed of Charlie. My old room, where we’d played as children. Her old house, just down the road. I couldn’t even go to see Charlie’s parents—my pain over losing her was still so raw. I'd let them down when I'd kidnapped Rowan, their hearts had been as broken as my own parents. Coming home had been like ripping the Band-Aid off. What was I thinking?

Then, there were the dreams …

I don’t know what your issue is with Kyle, but you can’t interfere in Rowan’s life. I know you want to protect her from anything bad happening, but he obviously cares about her and I can’t have you push her away when I just got her back. Charlie’s chest rose and fell hard and fast as she screamed the words.

And whose fault is that? I yelled back. I wanted to tell her about us, let her down gently. You were always the one against telling her.

I’ll always regret that. I missed her so much, Andrew. What I don’t want now is for you to upset and estrange her.

I shook my head in frustration. Why didn’t you ask her to be part of the wedding party?

Her face had reddened in anger; now the colour drained from her cheeks. I always promised my sisters they’d be my bridesmaids.

You’re worried about me pushing her away? Don’t you think she might feel used by you? She helped you with so much wedding prep, and you didn’t include her.

Tears sprung up in her eyes. I was being mean and I knew it, but this argument was decidedly one-sided. We’d been in it together, hiding our love from our best friend because we both knew it would hurt her. Married three days and we were further apart than we had been for so very long.

I hated myself for hurting her when I loved her more than anything. Hated that I was torn over Rowan. Hated that I’d lost both of them.

I sat on the back step as Dad washed his car. That thing was so precious to him, he lovingly soaped the car up with a sponge. It was like watching a man shower with the woman he loved and brought a smile to my lips as the suds slid down the drive and into the drain on the street. Both he and Mum were so fastidious about everything. He kept cleaning the same spot over and over again, trying to get some invisible dirt off. I still couldn't see it.

Mum opened the door behind me. Want a coffee, love? she asked.

I nodded, turning to look up at her. That'd be great. Thanks.

What are you going to do now?

I shrugged, turning back to watch Dad, not wanting to talk. If only the water could wash away this lost feeling. What I needed was something to anchor me, something secure to help me back. I had some ideas, just hadn't formed a plan.

Didn’t you think about it? she pressed on.

I didn’t think of anything else. It just all seemed pointless without Charlie. I stood. She moved out of the way as I came back inside the house, and followed me into the living room where her own coffee sat on a coaster on the table.

She disappeared, returning a few moments later with a cup. I placed mine beside it with no coaster. Some stupid little act of rebellion with no idea what I was fighting.

Oh, Andrew. She sighed, lifting the cup to place a coaster under it.

Everything feels like a waste of time, I said. I sat back on the couch, lifting my feet to rest on the table. She sighed again.

You have to make a fresh start. Why don’t you work for your dad for a while, save some money?

I shrugged. Because if I’m making a fresh start I can’t be here. Everything around here reminds me of Charlie. If I go to the end of the driveway and turn right, I’ll end up going past her parents' place; if I turn left, I’ll go past Rowan’s. I love you guys, but I’m already feeling trapped just by coming home.

She frowned, even though my words weren’t aimed at her. It was this place, not them.

I don’t understand. Why would memories of Charlie cause you issues?

I shook my head. Seriously? It was Charlie’s death that did this to me. It broke me, Mum. Stopped me from seeing all reason, led to this.

A vibrant red spread across her cheeks, and she lowered her eyes to avert my gaze. Sorry. I didn’t even think of it that way.

What I want is to turn back the clock, back to that day, make things better between us.

She looked up, pursing her lips. If I knew her at all, she was wondering whether to say something else.

What is it, Mum?

What happened? I never asked you what happened.

Dad had, Dad and Rowan and the police in the end. Not Mum. She had sat there quietly, supporting me through it all. I took my feet off the table, leaning forward to talk to her.

Charlie was so sheltered growing up. Her parents might as well have put her in a plastic bubble at times. I just never thought after all that time it would happen to her. I sucked in a deep breath. We chose our honeymoon spot because Charlie wanted to try something new. Trees and flowers and sunshine surrounded us, and she loved every second. Right at the end, our argument was meaningless. Her eyes told me how she felt, just as they always did, and all I saw was love.

Mum’s eyes shone, and she closed them as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

She was upset, and she ran. We were in the wrong place, and too far from anywhere to get help in time. But, I loved her, Mum. I might have got confused about seeing Rowan with Kyle, but I loved Charlie. We would have been happy together and gotten through it. And then none of this would have happened. I miss her so much.

I buried my face in my hands, hiding the tears that now flowed. Charlie and I had been so happy and in love. If I could, I’d redo everything differently, be happy for Rowan instead of weirding out about her being with another guy. When she’d walked away from Charlie and I, I’d missed her, but seeing her with someone else had made me crazy.

I’m sorry, love. I know you loved Charlie; it was obvious when you two were together. I didn’t mean to upset you.

It’s okay, I said. You look pretty upset too.

You were all my children. I loved the three of you, and it hurts that Charlie is gone and Rowan can’t be a part of our lives. Her mother gives me updates from time to time, but it’s not the same.

I just hope she’s happy.

Mum smiled. That man of hers has made her very happy. I have a Christmas card somewhere with a photo of the three of them. Rowan has a beautiful little girl.

I swallowed down my guilt about that girl. Baby Mia. She was four months old when I abducted her mother and took her away without a thought about her. I knew of her existence; I’d visited Rowan in the hospital the day after her birth, and it was thoughts of her that tormented me the most.

I’ll get it. She stood, shuffling off up the hallway. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to see it.

Within minutes she returned, waving it at me, excited to find it.

There was Rowan. Her smile made my heart ache as I suffered pangs of missing her. Her presence had always been reassuring; she had this calmness about her that I’d never found in anyone else.

She stood in front of Kyle, his arms wrapped around her protectively. After what I did, he probably kept her as close as possible.

In front of them both stood Mia—she must be older than three by now. She looked so much like her mother, but I could see her father in her too. She wore a Santa hat, and had a grin on her face a mile wide, one she shared with her parents. They couldn’t look any happier.

Seeing them that way made me feel warm inside. Rowan had found true love and happiness.

I just needed to find myself.

THREE

Another night, another dream.

They returned with the vengeance of an abandoned lover. When I was inside, the dreams had faded, not entirely leaving me, but letting me get some sleep. Now, every night for the past five I’d woken in a sweat, dreaming of the woman I’d loved, the one I’d sworn to love forever.

I’m leaving, I told Mum and Dad in the morning.

Mum gaped; hell, she was probably scared I’d lose the plot again. Dad just nodded as if he could see inside my head, as if he knew what I was going through.

Where are you going to go?

Maybe I’ll see if I can get my old job back. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see their faces, judging me without realising.

That puts you back near Rowan, Mum said.

And near my counsellor, who I’ll be seeing once a month anyway. There’s a boarding house not too far from him that accepts people like me, so the rent is cheaper than finding a place of my own. Once I’m working, I’ll find an apartment or something.

You have it all planned out, she whispered.

I love you, Mum, but this isn’t working. I need to do what’s best for me right now.

I enjoyed being on the road two days later, even if it was only to go for a drive to the local mall. My car had sat in the garage at Mum and Dad’s place while I’d been inside, and Dad had kept it maintained for my return.

The sound of the engine purring gave me such a feeling of freedom before I’d even driven out the door. I could go anywhere, do anything—it was like having some of my power given back to me.

It’s gassed up. I did it before we left. Figured you might like to go for a drive and get some fresh air. Lord knows you’ll be keen on that.

I grinned. You read my mind.

He fished out his wallet, handing me some notes. Go into town, buy yourself what you need. I know you have your savings in the bank, but you’ll have to organise cards and things. Just be free, Andrew.

Thanks, Dad.

I revved the engine. God, this felt good. Slowly, I moved towards the street, waving at Dad as I moved. At the end of the driveway I had to decide which way to go. I chose Charlie’s way.

My heart was in my throat as I drove past, slowing to take a look. They’d painted the house. It was no longer a pale beige, but a light blue—Charlie’s favourite colour. I didn’t have to ask to know that this was a tribute to her.

I kept going until I hit the shopping mall, parking the car and walking to the stores. It had been three years since I’d been shopping, since I’d been able to look at