More Spamming the Spammers (With Dieter P. Bieny)

MORE SPAMMING THE SPAMMERS (with Dieter P. Bieny)

Copyright Information

Other books by Peter Dabbene:

Prime Movements

Mister Dreyfus’ Demons

Glossolalia

Optimism

Spamming the Spammers (with Dieter P. Bieny)

ARK

Robin Hood

www.peterdabbene.com

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing: January 2015

ISBN (softcover): 978-1-312-62532-7

ISBN (ebook): 978-1-312-85376-8

All images in this book are readily available though various free sources on the Internet and are believed to be in public domain. Any copyrighted Images used herein are used within rights according to the U.S. Copyright Fair Use Act (title 17, U.S. Code.)

All images and documents in this book are  produced (or reproduced) with the sole intent of parody and entertainment. Precedent for such fair use treatment has been established in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. and other relevant cases.

This book is copyright © 2015 Peter Dabbene. All rights reserved.

Cover and book design by Peter Dabbene.

Cover image by Franck Cahmi, used by permission.

INTRODUCTION

They just wouldn’t stop coming.

Every week, more messages arrived in my junk-e-mail folder, bearing promises of wealth, love, or both. Dieter P. Bieny, my alter ego, had grown very popular.

How to account for that popularity? My guess is that within the secret world of e-mail scammers, there’s an easy mark list, containing the e-mail addresses of people who’ve responded to past scams. If that list is monitored with the same care and efficiency evident in the spammers’ ungrammatical (and often unintelligible) e-mail compositions, it’s no wonder that no one ever bothered to blacklist Dieter.

So the spammers, like sharks smelling blood, continued with a  feeding frenzy of unlikely scenarios: military men funneling money from Iraq; crooked bankers with plans to raid their dead customers’ accounts; and in a nice ironic twist, plots involving money earmarked specifically for the victims of scam e-mails.

All were fictional, of course—just like our friend Dieter. But by playing along (and spreading plenty of chum in the water), Dieter tested the spammers’ limits to see just how dedicated they could be. 

Some of them were extremely dedicated.

As the spammers’ schemes evolved, Dieter, too, was forced to up his game with fake photos, quizzes, requests, and demands, many of which were surprisingly well-received. In the end, though, the spammers always cried Uncle.

Everything appears as it did in the original e-mails, including my occasional tributes to the scammers’ unique writing styles.

Yours in deceit,

PeterDabbene

EXCHANGE #1 (JAIME LOPEZ)

There was no disguising it—Dieter was in a slump. His last few efforts to engage spammers in conversation had met with crushing silence. A lesser man might grow demoralized, might even... stop?

Never! Like a baseball slugger who’s 0 for his last 4, Dieter tells himself, statistically inaccurate or not, that’s he’s due.

Reasons to Invest‏

From:Mr. Jaime Lopez ([email protected])

Sent:Fri 12/09/11 8:41 AM

Hi,

I am Mr. Jaime Lopez from the United Kingdom. I wish to inform you of my client's desire to invest in your country. He would like to have you as our agent abroad to protect and invest his funds in a profitable business. As an influential person in his country Malaysia he hopes that the transaction is strictly confidential as possible. If you can handle this, then you can come back to me via email.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr. Jaime Lopez

Email: [email protected]

RE: Reasons to Invest‏

Sent:Sat 12/10/11 3:54 PM

To: [email protected]

Dear Jaime,

Yes, I can act as your agent. Were you thinking James Bond, or something more along the lines of Austin Powers? Please inform me of your desires.

Sincerely,

Dieter P. Bieny (Prospective Secret Agent)

RE: Reasons to Invest/acting as your agent‏

Sent:Wed 12/14/11 12:38 PM

To: [email protected]

Dear Jaime,

I am still interested in acting as your agent, but I have not heard from you. I think I can get you a deal in syndication, or at least an infomercial or two. By the way, what talents do you have? Do you sing or dance? Can you act? Are you funny? (Not in a Joe Pesci/Goodfellas kind of way, but more of a Ricky Gervais/The Office kind of way.)

Please respond quickly, or my compensation will go from a standard 15% to a superagent rate of 20%.

Dieter

EXCHANGE #2 (WESTERN UNION–CHRISTOPHER ROLAND)

Dieter’s slump continued with this e-mail from Christopher Roland—short, sweet, and unresponsive. You will be advice further, came the promise, as yet unfulfilled. Will Dieter, our hero, ever successfully interact with spammers again? Have faith, and keep reading.

WESTERN UNION‏

From:Western©Union ([email protected])

Sent:Sat 12/24/11 1:23 AM

Attn, We are grateful to contact you and announce to you that your e-mail was

among the listed beneficiary that won our western union on-line award.

Contact us upon receipt of this mail with the requested information below to

enable us file your information to your location country payment zone:

First Name :

Last Name :

Gender :

Occupation:

Home Telephone Number :

Mobile Telephone Number :

State :

Country :

Upon receipt of the above information you will be advice further.

Once again congratulation, and have a nice day.

Telephone Number:+2348052574570

Best regards,

Manager Mr Christopher Roland

Western©Union 2011

RE: WESTERN UNION‏

Sent:Sun 12/25/11 10:52 PM

To: [email protected]

Attn: Christopher Roland

Re: Dieter P. Bieny

Country Payment Zone: Twilight

Occupation: Western Union Franchisee

Telephone Numbers: are so passé

State: Confusion

Please advice me further.

Dieter

EXCHANGE #3 (PETER LEE)

Despite the overly polite and apologetic tone of his message seeking a business partner, Mr. Lee showed great rudeness when he ignored Dieter’s offer to help. Well, Mr. Lee, the next time you need help executing a business plan, don’t come randomly e-mailing to me, or I may decide to hunt you after all.

KINDLY ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL.‏

From:Mr.Peter Lee. ([email protected])

Sent:Mon 1/02/12 2:08 PM

Greetings,

My sincere apologies if this letter causes any form of Irritation or embarrassment or,i would want to demand a high level of maturity from you while reading this letter. I got your reference in my search for someone who suits my proposed business relationship.

I am proposing a very high profiled business transaction to you with returns very lucrative. In the pursuit of this business, it involves huge specific amount that i can't mention here for security reasons. I will need you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country.

Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without hitch. Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.

If you feel you can handle this project, please let me know so that i send you attached comprehensive details of this transaction. I will prefer you reach me on my private email address ([email protected]) you would be given more information upon your response to this correspondence.

Once again my apologies if this letter cause any form of embarrassment to your personality. Please if you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me because i am putting my career and the life of my family at stake with this venture, although nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated but if you are not interested delete this email immediately.

Regards,

Mr.Peter Lee.

RE: HERE I AM KINDLY ACKNOWLEDGING RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL.‏

Sent:Mon 1/02/12 4:08 PM

To: [email protected]

Greetings and valedictory salutations to you as well, Mr. Lee.

In response to your request for a high level of maturity, I have donned my maturity cap and am ready for business. While the cap does cause mild irritation, and embarrassment when worn in public, as this is a private conversation via e-mail we are good to go.

When it comes to executing business projects, I am the guy to go to. My old boss said that I killed any chance of profitability and another praised me as the man who sent the company to the grave. So when it comes to executions of business plans, you line them up and I'll knock 'em down -- I am the hooded man you want on the scene to have it done right the first time.

With the New Year, I have given myself a mandate to pursue unsolicited business opportunities, and apparently you are the lucky guy who will escort me. Although I should take pains to note that I do not put out on the first mandate, or even the second, unless I really, really like you. It usually takes three mandates before I feel comfortable enough to proceed as you might be expecting. But since this is a virtual relationship, three e-mail exchanges should suffice.

Most sincerely looking forward to working with you,

Dieter P. Bieny

I HAVE KINDLY ACKNOWLEDGED RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL...TWICE!‏

Sent:Wed 1/04/12 4:27 PM

To: [email protected]; [email protected]

Dear Mr. Lee,

Your non-response is causing me irritation, and I know that's the last thing you intended. Please respond ASAP, before you cause embarrassment to my personality and I am forced to hunt you.

Dieter

EXCHANGE #4 (DIM USMAN)

At long last, some light—from Mr. Dim. It wasn’t a lot of light; one might even say it was a dim light. But that light shined and warmed Dieter’s heart, bringing hope that one day an extended and entertaining exchange with a spammer might once again take place.

From Mr Dim Usman (B.O.A)‏

From:Mr Dim ([email protected])

Sent:Wed 1/04/12 10:29 AM

From Mr Dim Usman (B.O.A)

Bill and Exchange Manager,

Bank of Africa(B.O.A)

Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.

West Africa.

ATTN,

Sorry to distract your attention, I am Mr Dim Usman the bill and exchange manager in the bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.

In my department, I found the deposited fund amounted SEVEN MILLION TWO HUNNDERED THOUSAND DOLLARS (USD7,200,000.00).customer who died in the air crash with his entire family.

However, I shall detail you with the full information as soon as I hear from you.

Can you be able and capable to assist me provide your receiving bank account where this fund will lodge in your favour?

I shall give you 30% of the total sum as soon as this fund hits your account and I shall visit you in your country for the shearing.

Please this is very confidential. If you are interested, please forward me the bellow information's;

Your Name:............

Your country:............

Your phone Number:.............

Your tel/fax:-...........

Your age:................

Your occupation :............

Thank for your anticipated co-peration.

Your's Faithfully.

Mr Dim Usman

RE: To Mr. Dim‏

Sent:Wed 1/04/12 8:23 PM

To: [email protected]

Mr. Dim,

My great-Uncle Gertrude (long story) used to say that I was pretty bright, so I guess we are two halves of one whole--I am the bright and you are the dim. In other words, Mr. Dim... you complete me. I think we can work together to forge a well-lit but not overly harsh lighting environment in which we can both become massively wealthy, while avoiding eyestrain.

I look forward to the day when you can come to my country and do some shearing. I do not as yet have any sheep, but with the amounts of money we are talking about, that can be easily remedied. Also, I like it when you write the money part in capital letters. It helps me to imagine Mike Myers portraying you as a nefarious bald man in a Nehru jacket, with his pinky at the corner of his mouth.

I am forwarding my bellow information so you can bellow out to me (holla!) any time you like.

Your Name:.Dieter P. Bieny...........

Your country:United States of America............

Your phone Number:N/A (I use e-mail only).............

Your tel/fax:-N/A...........

Your age:half-century (50)................

Your occupation :Business Incubator, Inculcator, and Inculpator............

I look forward in the timeline to see you responding to me, and it makes me happy.

Sincerelish,

Dieter P. Bieny

MY PERSONAL DETAILS INFORMATION,I WILL BE WAITING VERY URGENTLY FOR YOUR REPLY.‏

From:Mr Dim ([email protected])

Sent:Wed 1/04/12 8:44 PM

Dear Dieter P. Bieny,

Please find bellow my profile.,

MY PERSONAL DETAILS INFORMATION,

(1) NAME: Mr Dim Usman,

(2) DATE OF BIRTH: 26th December 1958,

(3) PLACE OF BIRTH: BOBO DU LASO BURKINA FASO .,

(4) SEX: Male.,

(6) QUALIFICATION: M.B.A in Economics.,

(7) OCCUPATION: Banker.,

(8) PRESENT POSITION: (B.O.A) BILL AND EXCHANGE MANEGER. (B.O.A) Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso.,

(9) MARITAL STATUS: Married With 4 Children.,

(10) RELIGION Christianity.,

(11) PROVINCE OF ORIGINE OR STATE: MOSI.,

(12) NATIONALITY: Burkina-Faso West Africa .,

ANSWER THE BELOW QUESCTIONS.,

1. Are you willing to be my partner in this transaction? ..............................,

2. Are you sure you are not going to sit on this fund whenever it's transferred into the account which you are going to provide...............?

3. Are you promising me you will be following my instructions as your insider and introducer to this transaction .............................. ............?

4. Are you sure you are capable of receiving this money in your account with out any disturbances................. .....................?

5.Your Nationality....................................?

Please call me,

THANKS,

Mr Dim Usman

Tell +226 76 80 57 28

APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE AND SUBSEQUENT TRANSFER‏

From:Mr Dim ([email protected])

Sent:Wed 1/04/12 8:47 PM

ATTN :DR HAMZA BELLO.

FOREIGN REMITTANCE DIRRECTOR,

BANK OF AFRICA (B.O A )

No: 653 Dr Kwame NKRUMAH Avenue,

OUAGADOUGOU,BURKINA-FASO

Bank E-mail:([email protected])

Respected Sir,

APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE AND SUBSEQUENT TRANSFER OF MY INHERITANCE FUNDS OF US$7.2 MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER BOA4934109, I am the business associate and next of kin to late Mr Kattan Salif from Amman Jordan , your deceased customer who held the above account number with your bank, and who died in plane crash.

I humbly appeal to your esteemed office to release and transfer these funds into my nominated receiving bank account detail stated below.

1) Your Bank Name......................

2) Your Bank Address... ...............

3) Your Phone Number...,....

4) Your Fax Numbers...................

5) Bank Account Number........

6) Receiving Country...........

7) E - Mail...............

8) Your Profession........

9) Your Age.. ............

10)Beneficiary...........

11)A copy of your id or photo.....

I shall appreciate your prompt attention to this application as I solemnly promise to abide by all your protocol and transactional requirements and shall be very greatfull if

my application will be granted Yours

Sincerely,Name ……

RE: MY ANSWERS FOR YOU, AND IN ADDITION SOME QUESTIONS‏

Sent:Thu 1/05/12 1:45 AM

To: [email protected]

Dear Dim Sum,

Your inattention to detail is striking, so I have answered your quesctions below:

1. Are you willing to be my partner in this transaction? YES.

2. Are you sure you are not going to sit on this fund whenever it's transferred into the account which you are going to provide? I WILL NOT SIT ON THE FUND, OR DAMAGE IT IN ANY WAY. FURTHER, I WILL PROVIDE AIR HOLES FOR THE FUND AND CARE FOR IT AS IF IT WERE MY OWN CHILD.

3. Are you promising me you will be following my instructions as your insider and introducer to this transaction? YES.

4. Are you sure you are capable of receiving this money in your account with out any disturbances? YES.

5.Your Nationality? AMERICAN.

Dim Wattage, I feel that we have a good rapport developing, and I look forward to putting your plan into action. But first, I have 5 quesctions of my own for you, which I would like answered before I provide my personal banking details:

1) Please send a picture of yourself, preferably holding today's newspaper, so I can be sure you really exist.

2) What school did you earn your M.B.A. from?

3) Do they spell the word manager differently where you live? (See MANEGER, below)

4) What is your favorite book? (I need to see that you are a wise and well-read man. And you cannot answer The Bible.)

5) Which of your children is your favorite, and why? (I want to get to know you as a partner, so I am asking you a difficult question. And please don't answer I love them all the same. That’s a cop-out.)

Once I have the answers to these questions, and a picture of you that I can attach to my wall, I will assent to proceed with the essential proceedings.

Very expositiously yours,

Dieter P. Bieny

FW: PLEASE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS SO I CAN FILL OUT THE APPLICATION--THE WORLD IS WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY‏

Sent:Sat 1/07/12 8:49 PM

To: [email protected]; [email protected]

Still waiting for your reply...

Dieter

P.S. You’re not so Dim after all, are you?

EXCHANGE #5 (WILLIAM ALLISON)

William Allison quickly passed Dieter off to the Michael Bakker & Co. Law Firm—or was it the Michael Comiskey & Co. Law Firm? I can’t see how it would matter which name you choose for your bogus law firm, but once you pick one, you really should stick with it.

I’d still like to see the text on the indemnity guiding principle. But let the conversation you’re about to read be a lesson: once you mention pubic hair, no one takes you seriously anymore.

Re;New Year Grant‏

From:Keijo A Heikkinen ([email protected])

Sent:Thu 1/12/12 4:10 PM

Re: Nationwide Endowment Publication

This is to publicize the online liberated gaming promo endowment

apprehended in

UK, January 2012.Based on random assortment implementation of the Internet

websites, from Millions of e-mail Addresses World-Wide your e-mail address

plummet with nine (09) other e-mails to receive the Grant Sum of

950,000.00 GBP.

The lottery organization has approved you to collect the sum of Nine

hundred and

fifty thousand British currencies, grant printed-to-file: 60009878623 REF:

NEA/020-09092011. You are to contact our processing and payout agent by

sending

your Ref Number with mandatory particulars as follow:

----------------------------------

FULL NAME:.........................................

COUNTRY:....................................

Ref/File:60009878623 NEA/020-09092011.

------------------------------------

E-mail:[email protected]

British Government Accredited

Licensed & Registered.

------------------------------------

To enable them process/validate your grant prize and dispatch to your

destination as you may deem fit, this program is Governed and monitored by

British Gaming Commission.

Sincerely,

William B. Allison,

Regional Manager.

RE: New Year Grant‏

Sent:Thu 1/12/12 8:59 PM

To: [email protected]

Dear sir:

In comprehensible baubles, I laud your discerning tongue whereas you have extended the hand of grunkelfein to me. Thank you for plummeting my e-mail address (or did you mean plundered?) and I most exceptionally anticipate loogies of wafer-thin bills being spit in my direction. The mandatory particulars have been exposed, and they are as follows:

Dieter P. Bieny

U.S.A.

I hope to receive my GBP from the N.E.P. as supervised by the B.G.C. A.S.A.P.

Thanks disproportionately,

Dieter

Attn:Dieter P. Bieny Fill Instantly‏

From:Mr.Michael Bakker ([email protected])

Sent:Fri 1/13/12 7:33 AM

MICHAEL BAKKER & CO. LAW-FIRM.

Solicitors,Legal Attorney, Notary Public And Legal Advisers.

Tel: 792 451 4434 Fax:700 593 1514.

50-52 Essex Street, The Strand London WC2R 3JF.

ATTN:Dieter P. Bieny,

The Chamber of Michael Bakker & CO. Lawfirm Is officially permitted by National Lottery Provincial Administrator William B. Allison to process and ensure the transfer of your winning value of £950,000.00 GBP (Nine hundred and fifty thousand pound sterling) to your account/residential contact address, whether Its via Bank to bank electronic transfer OR by Shipping Service we have best leading service to Transfer/Deliver the prize money to you as deem-fit. To enable us commence dispatching process/delivery of your grant prize, Please reconfirmed your data by effecting the following requested information below.

=======================================

NAME OF WINNER*-------------------------------:

DATE OF BIRTH*-----------------------:

OCCUPATION*--------------------------------:

STREET ADDRESS*---------------------------------------:

CITY*----------------: STATE *----------------:

TELEPHONE NUMBER*----------------------:

FAX NUMBER*---------:(Optional)POST CODE*----------:

EMAIL*----------------------------------:

MARITAL STATUS*-------------------: SEX*------------:

COUNTRY*------------------------:

=======================================

Upon the receipt of the above information as requested, we shall commence with dispatching of your funds to your designated bank account/contact address and keep you posted with further information on