If I Break: If I Break, #1

1

APRIL 26TH, 2011

H

ere he comes. My very own Prince Fucking Charming, Cal Scott. He walks in, and his eyes quickly skim the packed suitcase in my hand and briefly rest on my face. He lets out an exasperated sigh, tosses his keys on the table, and takes off his coat. His eyes fall on the empty bottle of wine I finished today. A smirk spreads across his face before he passes me, heading into the living room.

I expected his lack of response, but it hurts all the same. I’m pretty sure he regards me more as his personal high-class escort than his wife.

I clutch my suitcase, full of the very few things that are mine. He can keep the cars, the money, and the penthouse—the things he believes should comfort me in my loneliness. All the material things in the world can’t make up for the growing disconnect between us. The four-carat yellow diamond on my finger is a beautiful but painful reminder of the vows he broke.

I look at him now, slouched on the couch with a self-assured cocky grin plastered on his face, the same one he wore the day I met him. I walk into the living room. He’s watching a basketball game on his obnoxiously big television screen as if he hasn’t a care in the world.

He glances back at me, still not speaking, and my anger boils over. If I were a man, I would kick his ass! I pull the calendar marked with the very few days he’s been home from my bag and force it into his lap.

Don’t start this shit, Lauren. I texted you, he says with obvious exasperation.

My questions come rapid fire as I walk between him and the television, waving my suitcase in his direction and trying my best to obstruct his view. You texted me? That makes it okay? Do you see my bags at the door and the one I’m holding? Do you not get it? I’m leaving, Cal. Fuck you and your texts!

He shifts his position on the couch and gestures to the empty wine bottle I forgot to discard. I’m not talking to you while you’re drunk, he says dismissively.

Yes, you are! I insist, moving closer to him.

Weren’t you leaving? he asks sarcastically. His face is stern while his eyes smile.

He’s not taking me seriously, so I lean down and growl in his face. You are such an asshole!

He kisses me—right on the lips—and laughs. He fucking laughs! I try to slap him, but he’s quick, and my fingertips barely graze his face.

I hate you! I roar and storm away from him. I start to take off my wedding ring. I want to throw it at him, but then I realize I like my ring. It’s fucking gorgeous. So I throw the stereo remote at his head instead before I march to the door.

He’s off the couch, coming after me, but I keep walking. He grabs my arm, turns me to face him, and takes my suitcase.

I’m done. Leave me alone! I yell, struggling to break free from his iron grasp. Suddenly, I’m picked up and swung over his shoulder. Let me go! Stop it!

But he doesn’t listen. I’m failing miserably in my attempts to escape.

No more bottles of wine for you, Mrs. Scott, he utters, unfazed by my protests.

Let me go! I scream again, punching him in the back as he carries me up the stairs and into our bedroom, where he drops me unceremoniously on the bed.

Sleep this off, he says simply.

Who the hell does he think he is? I rush toward the door, but he quickly slips out and shuts the door. I get to the door a split second later and yank on it. It’s locked. The bastard has locked me in.

You’re kidnapping me now? You’re adding that to your résumé as a shitty, emotionless husband? You can’t keep me here! I’m leaving you! I’m tired of this! You’re never home! I didn’t sign up to be the only person in this marriage!

My outburst is futile. I can hear the play-by-play of the Bulls game echoing up the stairs, and I’m certain he’s turned up the volume on his stupid-ass giant TV in order to drown me out. I sit on the floor and cry until I can’t cry anymore, until I’m too tired to do anything but sleep.

I adjust my eyes as I wake. My head is pounding. The bottle of wine I consumed is coming back to haunt me. I realize I’m no longer on the floor but in our bed with the covers over me.

The moonlight, rather than the sun my conscious brain last saw, shines through the window. I’ve been out of it for a while. I place my feet on the plush carpet, leave my bed, and head out onto the terrace to enjoy the fresh evening breeze. Looking over Chicago’s glittering downtown, I think about how many nights I have spent out here alone, staring at the skyline and wondering where my husband is. I feel sick.

I move back inside. The bedroom door is now unlocked. I open it only to find that all the lights in the penthouse are off and it’s silent. He’s gone again, which doesn’t surprise me. Being inside alone feels suffocating. I walk back out onto the terrace.

The loneliest time of my life didn’t begin until I married the one person I would have given my life for. His touch awakened every nerve in my body, his words and promises hypnotized me, and in his arms, I felt safer than I’d ever felt anywhere else. For so long, I couldn’t breathe without him.

Nothing is certain now. The bond between us, once so real—so tangible, I believed in it with every ounce of my being—is now in tatters. Whatever we had has been lost. Our home is void of warmth and love and filled with anger instead. We are participants in a war of words that continue to be recycled over and over. Any hope I had for us now lives in the past, and that is really fucking depressing.

I laugh at my naiveté and wipe a few tears from my cheek. Dammit. I promised I wouldn’t cry over him anymore, but what’s another promise broken to myself? I try to not care so much, but I’m not fooling anybody. I know I still do.

The front door opens. I walk back inside and into the hall and look over the banister to see that he has a dozen pink roses in his arms. I watch him place them on the table before I go back into our room, saying nothing.

Returning to the terrace, I survey the city. After a few minutes, the bedroom door opens, and I sense him walking up behind me, his scent giving him away before he’s even near me. He’s wearing my favorite cologne. As smoothly as ever, his strong arms wrap around my waist.

I hate that I still get chills when he touches me. I wish I would cringe instead. I hate it even more that he knows the effect he has on me. His lips find the back of my neck, making his way to the crook of it, while his hands caress my stomach, moving lower before finding the button on my pants. He begins to undo them. I hate him so much sometimes. I hate even more that no matter how mad I am, somehow, some way, my body always betrays me and forgives him.

Taking my hand, he turns me around to face him. He knows exactly how his beautiful gray eyes affect me, and he uses it to his advantage.

I know he feels me giving in. He knows I’m faltering, because he smiles at me with that subtle, self-assured grin of his before he leans down, places his lips on mine, and parts them. When I don’t pull away, he slides his tongue into my mouth, playing with mine, daring me to resist.

I don’t.

A soft moan escapes my lips. What the hell am I doing? I was supposed to be leaving him tonight. His grip tightens on my waist. He knows he has me, and damn it, I know it too. I hate that he knows it first. I hate even more that he knows me so well.

I pull away and look up at him, frustrated by how he can read me like the back of his hand.

I hate you sometimes, I say bitterly.

But even with my tone, the moment he looks at me, he knows I don’t mean it. Those freakin’ eyes of his have hypnotized me out of my better judgment—and my clothes—since I’ve known him. They tend to see right through me.

I know, he says before pulling me into one of his intoxicating kisses that make me feel as if I’m floating.

He carries me inside to our bed. This is what he does, after all. He’s the master of manipulation, the king of allure. He knows me inside and out—and probably better than I know myself. That I allowed that to happen at all was my first mistake. My second was falling in love with him. But how could I resist someone so irresistible? How could I run away from something that had already caught me? That’s what happened to me. I was caught before I even knew I was being hunted, and by the time I realized it, it was far too late.

He has me addicted, and that’s how he wants it. How the hell did I let this happen?

2

APRIL 15TH, 2008

S

ometimes, days at work can be fun and easy. Other days can suck, and today is a day that sucks.

That’ll be two vodka tonics, a Long Island Iced Tea, and four beers? I ask, trying to hear over the pulsating music that comes with the territory of waitressing at one of the hottest nightspots in Chicago.

The Vault—where the music is always loud, the drinks aren’t watered down, and you’re guaranteed to catch a glimpse of the hottest celebrity in town. Still, after six months, I haven’t adjusted to it.

Not that I’m complaining. The tips are great, and I get paid pretty well. I’m now used to what I call after-hours people. They’re your classmates, coworkers, and relatives—but in their sluttiest clothing, three times more makeup, and drunker than you’ve ever seen. Most girls would kill for this job, I was once one of those girls. I know for a fact the waiting list for an interview is about a mile long.

Still, I can’t help feeling tired of it. It’s better than working at a fast-food restaurant, and my old job at my college bookstore, but the atmosphere is intoxicating. I’ve seen so many girls swept away by it in my short time here. I’m thankful I haven’t fallen prey.

Can you have one of the beers poured in a glass with extra ice? A girl at the table I’m serving asks weakly.

No problem. I give her a reassuring smile.

I swear to God, you are such a little priss sometimes, her friend announces loudly for everyone to hear.

Obnoxious bitch. My customer’s skin flushes bright pink, and I feel sorry for her; if I weren’t working, I’d be her. God knows I’ve had enough obnoxious friends in my lifetime.

Are you guys hiring? A handsome guy sitting with them asks. Probably a model or aspiring actor. A question I get asked five times a night.

I know we’re looking for another bartender. My manager’s name is Ryan. Call tomorrow afternoon. His assistant Sandra takes calls then and can set up an interview if you have experience.

Cool! Thanks, he says, his excitement apparent.

You must love working here. Good music, hot guys, and you get to dress up every night. Very cute shoes, by the way, O.B. adds.

It’s okay. I shrug and walk away.

Truth of the matter is, the cute shoes kill my feet every night. Dressing up was fun until they implemented the butt-crawling shorts that became mandatory. But it pays well and college tuition isn’t cheap. I squeeze through the crowd and head to the bar area. My friend Steven, the bartender, is standing with my ex, Michael—Mr. Worst Mistake of My Life. I slide my drink slip over and count down the minutes to when my feet will get to rest.

It’s really packed in here tonight, isn’t it? Michael yells to me over the music.

Our relationship didn’t exactly end on friendly terms. In fact, this is the first time I’ve even contemplated responding to him since our breakup three months ago. The best I can do is remain civil, but it’s so hard.

When isn’t it packed in here? I reply abruptly.

Well, I said I’d be civil; I didn’t say polite. His smile drops. It’s not as if he needs me to be nice to him. He has enough women being nice to him. In fact, the reason we broke up was because I caught him in the storage room, being too nice to some girl.

Hey, Lauren. You look like you could use a break. My friend Angie comes to the rescue as she hands her drink slip to Steven.

A break? More like a vacation. I chuckle, taking the trayful of drinks.

My customer Extra Ice is the only one sitting at the table now. Her expression looks less than jovial. I smile, hoping to lift her spirits a bit.

Here is your drink, I say, setting down the beer.

Thank you, she replies, taking the glass of ice. She pours her beer over it, glancing up at me. I’m probably the first person you’ve seen do this. She laughs then sighs. It seems all my friends have abandoned me for the dance floor, she explains, probably afraid of offending me. What a great birthday this turned out to be. She takes a sip of her beer.

Happy birthday! I say, probably a little bit too enthusiastically. This one’s on the house.

Thank you. She lifts her glass and goes back to getting acquainted with her drink.

I know the feeling of being in a place you’d rather not be. Anyway, it’s sometimes better not to think about it. I head back over to the bar. My watch informs me I have two hours left, which might as well be an eternity. It’s strange how I can be so bored in such an exciting atmosphere. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m always in this atmosphere. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Michael flirting with a petite redhead. He’s always flirting with a petite something. I was the petite brunette. I can’t believe I still care who he’s flirting with; maybe care is the wrong word—irritated. I’m irritated by the fact he’s flirting with other women.

Hey, L. Angie pinches my side and slides another drink slip to Steven, who passes it to Michael since he’s standing there being worthless. Don’t take a second look, she whispers in my ear.

I realize I must have been staring.

Hey, Mikey, why don’t you stop chatting and actually do some work since you’re here?

He shoots Angie a sarcastic smile and saunters over to us. Nice to see you too. He looks over her slip but passes it back to Steven.

Hey, Lauren, look what I have for you! Trish, another waitress, shouts, holding up a Long Island Iced Tea and showcasing it to me.

What’s that? I ask.

Compliments of a gentleman from VIP. She grins, handing the glass to me.

I set it down. I make it a habit not to accept drinks from guys while working.

Ooh, VIP. Now you have to take it, Steven teases me with a wink.

Isn’t it a bad policy to accept drinks from customers? Michael butts in.

We all stare at him in disbelief; he’s been known to accept a lot more than drinks from customers.

Well, you know, Ryan expects us to be extra nice to VIP customers. Plus it is your favorite, Lauren, urges Angela.

The guy is a cutie too, Trish adds.

Michael glares hard in my direction, but it totally has the opposite effect on me. Staring straight back at him, I moisten my lips, put them on the straw, and suck up a good, long sip.

I turn back to Trish. Tell him thank you, and that it’s my favorite.

The disappointment on Michael’s face makes me giddy.

Oh, he knows. I told him. It’s his birthday too, she adds before disappearing into the crowd.

L, you should go tell him happy birthday, Angela urges me with a nudge.

I’m not doing that, I say indignantly.

Oh, come on. Why not? A little flirting would do you some good. She laughs.

It’s desperate and unprofessional. I sent him my thanks for the drink. That’s all I’m doing, I declare, making my way from the bar.

I would rather work than hear her urging me to talk to some guy like she does every night.

I glance at my watch. It’s one thirty in the morning, and my bed is calling. I hope my roommate, Hillary, isn’t home. If she is already home at this time of night, she usually has a companion. The amount of money I have invested in earplugs is crazy, thanks to all the noise they make. I’ve already put on my coat to leave when I see my manager, Ryan. He’s heading my way, and it’s too late to go in the other direction—well, without being completely obvious.

Lauren, I’m so glad I caught you. He’s beaming and his tone seems, dare I say, nice. He’s hardly ever nice, and I place a bet with myself he’s going to ask me to stay another hour.

Hi, Ryan, I reply warily, beginning to change into my flat shoes.

Oh, you’re leaving, he says with a pout resembling a two-year-old’s, only not as cute.

Yes, I’m off now, I remind him, praying he won’t ask me to stay, or worse, tell me to stay.

Would you mind doing me a tiny favor? he asks, walking over to me.

I knew it was coming. I still haven’t learned to leave faster. What am I supposed to do, tell my boss no? My body screams hell yes! My mind directs me to smile weakly.

Sure, I give in with a sigh.

A very good customer of mine wants to meet you. He’s been eye-humping you all night, he explains while helping me take off my coat.

What? I snap before even getting a chance to censor my tongue. He is my boss and, as always, a bit of an a-hole, but who the hell does he think he is?

"Just say hello and nothing else. He’s a reporter for the Tribune. He can bring a lot of exposure to the club," he says urgently.

I don’t know. I do know. I don’t want to do it!

"It’s just a quick drink. It is his birthday, after all, and the VIP room is filled with people. Just a drink. If you’re too tired, I’ll switch your shift. Maybe you’d rather have Monday night instead of this tiring Saturday shift," he suggests slyly.

That’s low. Monday is the absolute worst night for me to be in the club. It’s slow, which means fewer tips, and I have a class on Tuesday mornings.

Okay. I’ll do it. I hang my coat back up and start to follow him out, but he stops me at the door before I can even cross the threshold.

How about I give you time to put on your other shoes and let your hair back down? He winks.

I bite my lip in frustration. Fuck you, Ryan. I go back to my locker to get my heels.

I’ll meet you upstairs in a few minutes. He smiles, but before leaving, he pops his head back in the doorway. A little lip gloss wouldn’t hurt either, he quips before disappearing.

Jerk-off. I slip out of my gym shoes and let my ponytail back down. I purposefully don’t put on any lip gloss. Just a quick drink then bed, I tell myself and try not to feel like such a pushover.

The VIP room is buzzing with people but empty compared to the other floors. With a minimum three-bottle purchase for a table, it makes sense though. Dan, the VIP security guard, is standing at the entrance. He’s pretty intimidating to anyone wanting to start trouble. At almost six foot four and at least two hundred ninety pounds—his death-grip headlock has brought many to their knees—he’s a good guy to have on your side. He’s busy flirting with two girls trying to talk their way in for free, but he gives me a quick nod of acknowledgment.

I take a deep breath and remind myself I need my job. Having a drink with a guy for my boss isn’t that bad. Wait, that even sounds wrong. Being pimped out is not a part of my job description. I hope this guy isn’t a complete asshole, drunk or sober. Also, I know Ryan wouldn’t put me in a dangerous situation. He’s a good guy even though he’s high maintenance as most bosses are.

Even if this guy isn’t a jerk, I hate the dating scene. I’ve had two serious boyfriends: Daniel, my high school sweetheart, and Michael, who, as it turned out, wasn’t that serious about me after all.

I’ve been on a handful of dates, many of which turned out to be complete disasters, since I moved here from Michigan. I’ve grown to hate the whole situation. First the obligatory awkward conversations, and ultimately my date’s disappointment when I don’t put out after the first date. The guys I run into are nothing like the princes in the stories my aunt read to me when I was a little girl. My adult theory: The Prince Charming myth is the other curse God created to punish Eve and every other woman for biting that stupid apple. Looking around the room, I spot Ryan sitting in the corner, talking to a short blonde woman accompanied by a man in a blue dress shirt and black slacks.

Ryan sees me and waves me over. As I get closer to the guy, I have to agree that Trish was right—he’s cute, in an Abercrombie and Fitch sort of way. He has dirty-blond hair and green eyes, even a coy smile, but that still doesn’t mean I like being coerced into talking to him. When I reach the table, Mr. Abercrombie and Ryan stand up while the woman just smiles in my direction.

"Lauren, I would like you to meet Jason Daniels. He’s doing a story for the Tribune’s entertainment column. And this is his colleague, Marie."

Nice to meet you. Jason shakes my hand, a huge grin on his face. Very nice to meet you, he repeats again, almost nervously.

How about I have Diana make you one of my favorite drinks, Marie? Ryan asks, gesturing toward the VIP area of the bar.

I keep myself from rolling my eyes. I guess he wants Jason and me to have alone time, because Ryan can easily have Diana at our table in less than a minute with just a gesture.

I would love that. She links her arm with his and leaves Jason and me alone.

He seems tongue-tied at the moment. Awkward conversation avoided, maybe?

Would you like to sit down? he finally says.

Crap, no such luck—he’s not mute. I smile graciously as I sit in the plush leather booth.

Did you like the drink I sent you? He smiles.

Yes, it’s my favorite. I look down, trying to avoid the awkward silence filling the air. Even though I’m the one who should be buying you the drink. I hear it’s your birthday, I say with forced friendliness.

Yeah. The big two-four. He laughs.

How does it feel?

Not too different from twenty-three. He laughs and sips his drink. Oh, would you like something, another Long Island—?

But something has caught his attention across the room. Maybe it’s his girlfriend. That’s probably just wishful thinking on my part, but with my luck, who knows.

Would you excuse me for a minute? he says, leaving me to sit alone.

I wonder if this fulfills the requirement as far as Ryan’s concerned. I wonder who Jason was looking for—I guess the blonde who was with him. Maybe they’re more than just friends? Drumming my finger on the table, I wait for my new friend to come back.

Ryan arrives a few minutes later, and I’m still at the table alone. I see he’s misplaced the blonde as well.

Where did Jason go?

I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to be babysitting him. Umm, I don’t know. He told me he’d be back in a minute. Look, Ryan, I have an exam I have to study for this weekend, and I really need to get some sleep, I explain, getting up to leave.

Wait! Please just five more minutes. I’ll go find him, he begs, holding my arm.

Fine, I relent. I’ll be out on the terrace while you look for him.

Okay. Back in five minutes, he promises before hurrying off.

I sneak away to the terrace of the club. It’s my favorite place in Chicago. When the wind blows just the right way and the lights of the city sparkle in the night, I feel free. They remind me why I’m not in my old comfort zone in Michigan. This may be my lucky day, since only two couples are making out in the corner. Usually there are so many it’s embarrassing. I stroll to the other side so they can have their privacy. You can see all of Chicago from right here. I could stand here for hours, just looking out over the city.

I glance at my watch and notice it’s been around five minutes. I decide to head back to VIP before Ryan has a panic attack. Right as I’m making my way back into the club, Michael heads toward me.

This must be my lucky day, I mumble sarcastically to myself, but loud enough that he can hear me.

Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? he asks as I walk past him.

Actually, I’m meeting someone. I smirk at him before continuing on my way.

What? Who? I mean, you just got off, he says, stumbling over his words. I guess I surprised him. I just smile with a shrug, but he calls after me, Well, when you’re not busy, I need to talk to you.

I don’t even look back. What Michael doesn’t understand is I don’t care what he needs. He lost that privilege when I caught him banging some girl in the storage room of the club. He didn’t even have the decency to screw her in his car like a respectful douchebag would do.

I’m seeing red as I make my way down to the VIP room. I’m in total disbelief at Michael’s audacity and sudden attempt to weasel his way back into my life, and I don’t even notice the person in front of me until I crash into him. A second later, I feel cool liquid spread down my blouse. Best day ever!

I’m soooo sorry, I say, embarrassed. This is completely my fault, and I’m even more furious that Michael caused me to do it.

It’s okay, a deep voice replies, sending a shiver up my spine. I’m sure your shirt costs a lot more than this drink.

I’m afraid to look up. I can hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears. When I work up the courage to finally see whose voice is making my heart try to escape my chest, I find a tall, ebony-haired stranger looking down at me.

God, he has the most beautiful pair of gray eyes and an amazing smile with the most perfect lips in the history of mankind. I mentally remind myself not to swallow my tongue and breathe. Is he real? Or have I been knocked unconscious and am being fanned with a cover of GQ magazine? This encounter will probably turn out to just be a figment of my imagination.

The more I look—no, stare, I’m actually staring now—the more I decide he has to be an illusion. I search for a flaw, taking in every inch of him, from his chiseled features to his chocolate-brown hair falling right over his eyebrows, his strong broad shoulders hidden beneath a dark gray blazer and black fitted shirt. No flaw found. He’s unsettlingly beautiful.

I-I’m sorry. I can be so clumsy at times, I choke out, internally cheering as my mind begins taking control again.

Let me get you something for that, he responds, disappearing into the crowd.

I panic. What if he doesn’t come back? What if he does come back? That scares me even more. But a minute later, he’s here again with a cloth in hand, and I’m still not prepared to think like a civilized person instead of a cavewoman.

Thank you, I reply sheepishly, taking the cloth from his hand.

He’s smiling at me as though he knows a secret I’m not in on.

I’m really sorry about your drink. I can get you another one, I offer, staring up at him. He has to be at least six foot two. I unconsciously take a few steps back so I don’t have to look up at him like a little girl.

You’re good, he assures me coolly.

No, he’s good apparently, since no matter how hard I try, I can’t make my eyes leave his face. I work here. It’ll be no problem.

His gaze is intense, almost intimate, but his smile is so charming, or rather, welcoming—like he’s luring me. For a moment, time slows down. All of the noise around us has disappeared, and it’s just the music and my breathing.

I wonder if he hears it.

He steps closer to me, and I notice in those perfect gray eyes, the iris is surrounded by a subtle green tint. But beautiful as they are, they’re upstaged when he releases the right corner of his bottom lip that he’s been holding captive between his stark white teeth. His tongue sweeps across those delectable lips, adding the perfect amount of moisture, and right then, a wave of heat flushes through my entire body. I inwardly cringe for referring to a body part as delectable—a stranger’s body part at that—but there is absolutely no other way to describe them.

I know. His words jolt me back to reality, and I lean forward a bit, the return of the noise making it more difficult to hear him. A second later, he leans down toward me, his face near my ear, and my breath hitches. Your shorts gave you away. Just as quickly he’s back in his own space.

These godforsaken shorts. I’m so embarrassed and begin pulling them down.

He nods, a grin on his face as his eyes travel down my body. No, thank God for those shorts. He’s biting his lip again, and I feel myself turning all shades of pink. I was actually coming to get a closer view of the woman I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of since she walked in. He looks directly into my eyes with a smile that could melt the Arctic.

With that, I almost swallow my tongue. What am I supposed to say to something like that?

She’s Lauren, I can’t help but whisper. Wait, that wasn’t right. Wake up, genius! I mean, I’m Lauren. I laugh, hoping the music covers my ridiculous answer and that I won’t drop dead of embarrassment right here. Thankfully, my brain cells are released from my hormones’ grip and direct me to extend my hand.

He smiles, almost as if he’s amused. I guess I’d be amused too if I could reduce a college-educated woman to a bumbling idiot just by licking my lips.

I’m Cal, he replies.

3

APRIL 27TH, 2011

I

open my eyes and turn over to see Cal’s still asleep. I remember when I would watch him sleep; he seems like such a different person when he’s asleep. When he’s awake, he’s confident, cool, and in control of every situation. I think this is the only time he doesn’t have a wall up—when he’s not plotting and planning and his guard is down—the