Parenting for a Happier Home: The Step-by-step Guide to Keeping Your Kids on Track

Introduction

Parenting is perhaps one of the greatest rewards of human experience. The indescribable joy of being present at the birth of your child and holding that tiny and vulnerable little person in your arms for the very first time. The innocence of those big eyes staring deeply into yours, the big gummy smiles, the precious attempts at saying ‘Dada’ or ‘Mama’, and those special moments when they fall asleep in your arms or snuggle deeply into your neck. But for some, parenting can also be one of the most difficult ‘jobs’ in the world.

Some children just seem to be difficult right from birth. They are difficult to console when they get upset and they seem to resist every effort to comfort them. They have tantrums, they are defiant, they argue with you and demand their own way and continue to disobey you or completely ignore your instructions. They can steal from you, push you, hit you, run away, lie to your face and find themselves in trouble with the law. Sometimes a child’s unusual and difficult behaviour is a result of developmental and behavioural disorders such as Autism Spectrum Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder or Attention Deficit–Hyperactivity Disorder.

But not every challenging child has a behavioural disorder; some children are just plain difficult, defiant and aggressive. Parents of such taxing children find that parenting can become very, very difficult. The constant strain and demands of parenting such children often places enormous stress on the parents. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents tell me things like ‘I hate my life’, or ‘I just can’t take this any more’, or ‘I can’t help but think if he wasn’t in our life, things would be so much easier’, or ‘I walked out of the house this morning and I did not want to come back’, or ‘I’ve just called the police to deal with my child’. Sometimes parents find themselves in a state of desperation while trying to control their child’s behaviour and they begin having thoughts that really scare them. Some parents have thoughts of hurting their children, others of abandoning their children, and still others of adopting or fostering their child out, while some parents have suggested that they would be happy to just fall asleep and never wake up again. This constant strain and desperation can often leave such parents feeling alone and isolated, believing that no one understands their situation and that they have no external support.

Parenting for a Happier Home has been written with the intention of supporting all parents, but especially those parents who are at their wits’ end and feel as though they have nowhere else to go. This book has been written with those parents in mind whose children have behavioural disorders, are defiant or who have explosive behaviours, or are just plain difficult to manage. It is based on the RANE® Parenting Program I developed over a number of years using the most up-to-date professional literature and research. As you read through this book, it is anticipated you will begin to realize just how important your parenting skills are for the wellbeing of your child and for maintaining a healthy relationship with your child. Unfortunately by the time most parents seek the professional help they need, the situation at home with their child has become, or is rapidly becoming, desperate. The parent–child relationship often begins to deteriorate with parents feeling powerless to alter their child’s behaviour. This adds further strain in the home and can create a greater feeling of desperation for the parent.

Over the years many, many parents have sought my help and one of the things that is most evident to me is their vulnerability and their fear of being told what awful parents they are, how they have totally failed as parents, and of being blamed for their child’s behaviour. According to the professional literature, various parenting styles have been found to underscore a deteriorating parent–child relationship and have also been directly linked to acting out, aggressive and delinquent behaviour in children. But one thing needs to be clear right from the start — this book is not about pointing the finger of blame. This book not only aims to provide current thinking on the issues of parenting but further seeks to unite a number of diverse disciplinary perspectives to provide an understanding of the parenting techniques, skills and strategies that are considered to be the most adaptive and functional, and that are most respectful of both the child and the parent.

Parenting for a Happier Home is divided into two sections. Section 1 will begin to teach you appropriate and effective parenting skills and introduces you to the four most commonly accepted parenting styles. The purpose of this is to help you to honestly evaluate your parenting style. Understanding how you parent and then matching that to the most adaptive parenting techniques is often the beginning of change for many families. The remaining chapters in Section 1 explain how to develop new parenting skills while constantly building on the previous chapters. For some of you this will require radical changes to your parenting style and the way you typically respond to your child. Each chapter has accompanying homework to give you an opportunity to apply your new skills in a variety of situations.

Section 2 of the book is concerned with discipline. It is widely accepted in the professional world that harsh, punitive punishment is ineffective in modifying a child’s problematic behaviour in the long term. The child will stop their misbehaviour in the short term but won’t have ‘learned the lesson’. Further, harsh punishment does not provide children with an appropriate reason to modify their behaviour; the unfavourable behaviour is likely to continue. There are some serious problems with corporal punishment that lie within the emotionally charged nature of the parent–child relationship in homes where the child’s behaviour is difficult to manage. Simply put, it doesn’t take much for an exhausted, stressed and angry parent who feels pushed to the edge to ‘discipline’ their child in anger. Unfortunately this ‘discipline’ is often harsh and punitive, and risks maintaining the child’s problematic and/or aggressive behaviour.

We have all heard at one time or another that corporal punishment can and does lead to physical abuse. A parent lashing out at their child in anger also runs the risk of physically hurting their child. But what is not always so obvious is the potential emotional and psychological damage corporal punishment can do to a child. One teenage boy reported that when his mother was angry with him she would lash out and strike him in the face while screaming, ‘You stupid, stupid boy!’ According to the teenager he didn’t remember the physical pain of being slapped in the face, but the words his mother screamed at him ‘cut deep’. Is it any wonder that harsh, punitive punishment jeopardizes and damages the parent–child relationship and potentially causes more difficult behaviour from your child?

Effective discipline must include children receiving appropriate instruction and guidance for socially acceptable behaviour. Keeping this in mind, the chapter on discipline in Section 2 of this book is designed to teach you more adaptive and constructive ways of responding to your child’s problematic and difficult behaviour. Section 2 also covers the complex issues of household chores, pocket money and the issue of rewarding children for their efforts and compliant behaviour. Principally, household chores are all about the child learning to take responsibility for themselves and becoming a responsible member of the family. As a member of the family unit, a child ought to learn to take on family responsibilities that also serve to support the unique needs of each family. As the original meaning for the term ‘discipline’ is ‘to teach, to guide and to instruct’, teaching a child how to become responsible is a natural part of discipline.

Let me encourage you to ‘walk a mile in your child’s shoes’ to practise responding to your child with the respect and empathy you might expect from others. For instance, how might you feel about your spouse or partner if they lashed out in anger and hit you in the face while screaming ‘You’re stupid!’? We have a legal name for that type of behaviour today and it’s ‘domestic violence’. You will also notice that this book makes use of empathy on many occasions in order to help you build an understanding of your child’s world and their unique experiences. It is important to understand that the questions posed in this book are not a judgment of you as a parent, but instead are neutral questions in order to help you understand your child’s world.

As you read through this book you will find there are sections dedicated to the ‘what to do when’ or ‘what to do if ‘ questions. However, there is so much more to parenting than ‘do this when this happens’. Parenting requires you to cultivate your own emotional intelligence so you can be secure, sensible, react calmly to a crisis and be there emotionally, psychologically and lovingly for your child. We all know that the way we were parented influences our own parenting styles and we also know that the way we were parented can leave us with incredibly happy memories. However, for some people, the memories of the abuse they suffered at the hands of their parents are something they desperately try to forget. As parents, we need to acknowledge our experiences of being parented to help us better understand how our children feel and how better to respond to them.

While it might be tempting to head straight to the chapters on discipline, I urge you to take the time to read the chapters on parenting first, as otherwise you may, in fact, risk increasing the problematic and aggressive behaviour in your child. Yes, you read that correctly. Your discipline measures could be making things worse. If you jump to the chapters on discipline in an effort to learn new ways of disciplining your child, that is all you will have learned. You have potentially neglected the most important responsibility you have: parenting. Parenting is not a right, it’s a privilege — the greatest privilege we as adults can have. We are totally responsible for the life and the wellbeing of another person. Because parents are responsible for the whole child and not just their behaviour, you have a duty and a responsibility to do everything you can to learn how to be the best parent you can be. If your relationship with your child is not right, moving straight on to implementing new and improved ways to discipline them runs the risk of causing greater problems in your relationship and increasing bad behaviour. You will miss some of the most important principles in this book; namely that consequences are but one part, a very small part, of discipline.

Finally, this book has been written with an intended foundation of absolute respect for the child. It’s a simple rule. Respect is earned and not automatically given because of your parental status. If you want your child to respect you, you must first learn to respect your child. For some parents this will go against everything you have believed and practised. But respect is a two-way street and children do need to learn to respect their parents and other people. The information in this book will help you teach your child about respect and will also help cultivate that attribute in your child.

Frequently asked questions

Do certain types of parenting styles cause ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder?

NO! This is one of the most common myths I hear almost daily and it infuriates me. Parenting styles cannot cause these pervasive developmental disorders because ADHD, for instance, is a neurodevelopmental disorder. People who support such a myth really have no idea what they are talking about and they are certainly ignorant of professional research and the therapeutic interventions for these developmental issues. However, in saying that, certain parenting practices can increase angry, defiant, difficult and explosive behaviour and, in some circumstances, can also be the foundation for some behavioural disorders such as Oppositional Defiance Disorder. As you read through this book you will understand why.

Is this program strictly for parenting difficult children?

The short answer is no. This book has kept in mind those times when parenting can be exhausting, and sometimes parents don’t know what to do in a variety of situations when dealing with a difficult child or teen. However, any parent wishing to further their parenting skills may benefit from reading this book as the skills and strategies can be adapted to children of virtually any age.

Individualizing the parenting management skills in this book

This book was never written with the ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach. While behavioural problems may have commonalities, no two families’ experiences are alike. Just as each child is different and has a different personality, a different relating style and different needs, so must you be prepared to be flexible in your parenting style for each of your children. However, being flexible does not mean being a pushover and letting your children to do as they please. Flexible parenting means you will be mindful of each of your children’s needs and will seek to use the various principles in this book that are relevant for each of your children.

Being flexible also extends to the pace at which you read this book and practise the principles. For instance, you may wish to complete one chapter and then take the time to practise the skills and principles before moving on to the next chapter. Remember that effective, healthy and adaptive parenting skills along with familial relationships take time to build; you can’t expect an immediate change in the family, and you can’t expect to have a new child in one week just because you have read a book on parenting.

MAINTAINING FOCUS

There have been occasions when parents undertaking this parenting program in my clinic have told me they were experiencing a lot of problems in their marriage, with quite a bit of conflict. It is well known that different parenting styles from each parent can cause huge problems in the marriage, and this has certainly been my experience. For instance, conflict often arises between the authoritarian and the permissive parent. The authoritarian parent blames the permissive parent for letting their child ‘get away with everything’, while the permissive parent believes the authoritarian parent is too harsh. In such cases, it’s easy to see how this contrast in parenting styles can and often does create and maintain marital conflict. If this is the case, try to maintain focus on completing this book and together making the most of the principles discussed. One of the major goals of this program is to teach both parents how to work together and how to support each other in parenting roles, so that there is unison in your parenting.

Sometimes, though, the marital problems between you may be a major concern, leaving you feeling overwhelmed by the state of your relationship. If this is the case, you might benefit from seeking relationship therapy from an appropriately qualified and experienced professional (for example, a psychologist) to help you get your relationship back on track.

Why is discipline the last stage of this program?

Parents of children with behavioural disorders or children with explosive and defiant behaviours often tell me they have tried every kind of discipline they can think of to modify their child’s problematic behaviour, without success. In some cases, the discipline has been severe enough for child protection departments or organizations to become involved with the family. Discipline can be misused by frustrated and angry parents who are at their wits’ end. This defeats the purpose of a parenting book such as this one, where the ultimate goal is to teach you effective and appropriate parenting skills and to repair the parent–child relationship. However, if your child is engaging in risk-taking or dangerous behaviour, it is strongly recommended that you seek advice from a licensed and experienced professional (for example, psychologist, child psychiatrist, paediatrician or family doctor).

What should I do if I think my child might have a behavioural disorder?

If you think your child has a behavioural disorder (or other disorder), it is strongly recommended you seek professional advice from the likes of a psychologist, child psychiatrist, paediatrician or your family doctor. An appropriately trained professional will have an understanding of both childhood behavioural disorders and pervasive childhood developmental disorders. This is a necessity, as there are a number of overlapping symptoms in pervasive childhood developmental disorders and behavioural disorders that require the clinician to have a thorough knowledge of diagnostic criteria to avoid incorrect assumptions and diagnosis. Not seeking qualified professional advice and support where needed may result in greater distress in the parent–child relationship and you might end up with an incorrect diagnosis.

When seeking professional advice always ask the individual to cite their qualifications and ask about their specific experience in parenting, family relations and childhood behavioural disorders. It is also important to ask the professional if they are registered by a professional board to practise; ask to see their registration certificate. Why would you ask these questions? In