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    If You Need A Laugh
    If You Need A Laugh
    If You Need A Laugh
    Ebook84 pages42 minutes

    If You Need A Laugh

    By Donald Fitzsimmons

    ()

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    About this ebook

    The characters in this book are people you would like to hang out with, good and honest folk. The message is nothing profound, just a hope that you will laugh.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherPage Publishing, Inc.
    Release dateFeb 13, 2015
    ISBN9781634175975
    If You Need A Laugh

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      Book preview

      If You Need A Laugh - Donald Fitzsimmons

      Ah, Bleep It! 

      ______________________________________________________ 

      When life gives you lemons 

      And you can’t make lemonade 

      When your troubles have doubled 

      And you’re suddenly afraid 

      When life’s devoid of joy 

      There’s a phrase you should employ 

      Ah, bleep it! 

      Makes everything OK. 

      When you’re down in the dumps 

      And you’re taking you lumps 

      And comfort is nowhere to be found 

      There is a magic phrase 

      Ah, bleep it! 

      Turns everything around. 

      It may be rather rude 

      Offensive, and possible crude 

      But there is little doubt 

      That this phrase will help you out 

      Ah, bleep it! 

      The mediator had done the impossible, brokering an agreement between God and Satan, allowing Satan to enter heaven. The agreement created a problem—a new boss was needed for hell. Enter: 

      The Mediator 

      ______________________________________________________ 

      Mediator, I am Miss Borden. My friends call me Lizzie. I will be your secretary. Allow me to show you to your office. 

      Lizzie Borden? Say, didn’t you… 

      I was found not guilty. This is your office. The intercom allows you access various parts of hell. The red phone is the hotline. 

      Tell me you didn’t say that! 

      I did. It allows you to call heaven and vice versa. Will you be needed anything? 

      Yes, now that you mention it. Isn’t it rather hot? 

      Sir, this is hell. It’s hot. Fortunately, it’s dry heat. 

      Still, something should be done. Do we have any home contractors? 

      Certainly. 

      Good, I want someone who is honest, hardworking, and reliable. 

      In that case, no, we don’t have any. 

      Thank you, Miss Borden. That will be all. 

      Thank you, sir. 

      Well, the hotline is here. I might as well use it. 

      Pearly Gates, St. Peter speaking. How may I direct your call? 

      Pete? It’s me, the mediator. 

      You just got there! You wish to leave already? 

      No, I just need a hand. Does heaven have any reliable home contractors? 

      You’re in luck. He entered yesterday. Why? 

      I need him on temporary transfer. I’ll have him back soon as possible. 

      Well, the boss did say that you were to be given full cooperation. I’ll send him down. 

      Thanks, Pete. Regards to the boss. Mediator out. 

      Hi, I’m Joe! You sent for me? 

      Yes, how are you in cooling systems? 

      Pardon? 

      I want you to install central air. 

      OK now, I know you’re kidding me! 

      Actually, I’m quite serious. How long will it take? 

      I don’t know. I mean, this is one big place you’ve got here. One person can’t do this job. 

      One person won’t. Grab as many demons as you need and begin immediately. 

      OK, you’re the boss. 

      Time to try out the intercom, Miss Borden? 

      Yes, sir? 

      Miss Borden, I’m rather parched. Where is the water cooler? 

      The what? 

      A machine that dispenses water. 

      There is no water in hell. We drink liquid fire. 

      Sounds rough on the digestive system. Thanks anyway, Miss Borden. Hotline time. 

      Pearly Gates, St. Peter speaking. How may I direct your call? 

      Pete, it’s me. I’ve got a problem. 

      Again? I thought you were supposed to be good at handling things! 

      Ordinarily, yes. You have to admit though the current circumstances are rather unique. 

      Point taken. What do you need? 

      Well, I was…look, Pete, I have to place you on hold. Yes, Joe? 

      I ain’t working with the demons. 

      Are they refusing to cooperate? 

      It ain’t that. They’re not union. I’m a union man and proud of it. 

      So? Organize them, United Demons Local 1. Make history as hell’s first union organizer. 

      "United Demons…it’s got

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