The 'Shroom:Issue 193/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Are you ready for more fictional happenings of the Mushroom Kingdom? I hope you are, because we've got 'em here for you! As for myself, I'm trying to figure out a recipe to deal with all these leftover Easter eggs...
We have two more guest submissions of News Flush in this issue! Claw Gripstofferson (talk) has gotten in on the news reporting fun this month, with a piece about rogues causing more trouble in Rogueport! Seems like something's always happening there, huh? Walter G. Timeson has also written one about a certain frog who's getting a lot more attention than usual. Be sure to check them out, along with all of our other sections!
Also, a quick note about one of our writers. Mustard Machine, better known as Shoey, has finally fulfilled his destiny and is actually named Shoey here on the wiki now! So if you're wondering where Mustard Machine went and who this new guy co-writing Mushroom Tribune is, he just got a name change.
We're always looking for more writers in Fake News, so if you'd like to join the team, head over to our sign up page to get started on your application! We also take one-off volunteer sections with no application necessary, so if you'd like to do a News Flush like many of our writers have done recently, or something else like Travel Guide or Peddler's Place, that option is always open! Just submit it to me privately and I'll work everything out with you. (We're also accepting early submissions for Issue 200! Don't forget!!)
Section of the Month
The results are in, and Quizmelon (talk) has once again taken first place with TV Tomorrow! Be sure to visit him on his new World Tour, okay? In second place, we've got a clash between military might and bad bones in Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown! Finally, Dear Waluigi Time took third place with advice on conquering the world, increasing your paycheck, and being hip with the kids. Thank you to everyone who voted, and be sure to keep supporting our writers!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 13 | 25.00% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 2nd | Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown | 9 | 17.31% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | Dear Waluigi Time | 8 | 15.58% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Written by: Claw Gripstofferson (talk)
NEW BREAKTHROUGH IN GANG WAR BETWEEN PIANTA SYNDICATE AND ROBBO THIEVES IN ROGUEPORT
The gang war between the two notorious Rogueport gangs, the Pianta Syndicate and the Robbo Thieves has entered a new stage. The Robbo Thieves are reportedly making an advancement in controlling more territory in Rogueport as they take control of Rogueport Plaza following the Robbo Thieves' kidnapping of Roberta Pianta, the daughter of “Furious” Frankie, the current head of the Pianta Syndicate.
Witnesses have seen a purple shelled Koopa Troopa wearing black sunglasses, a white t-shirt, an unzipped black leather jacket, stonewashed blue jeans and black motorcycle boots by the name of Koopy Shelltoro (Aged 25) pick up Roberta Pianta (Aged 10) from Rogueport Elementary School last Tuesday afternoon around 3:15 PM, MWST (Mushroom World Standard Time). Shelltoro has been reported to have recently started working for the Robbo Thieves and was supposedly enlisted by the Robbo Thieves to initiate the kidnapping.
Shelltoro took Roberta Pianta back to the Robbo Thieves' hideout around 3:35 PM, MWST, according to bystander reports. By 5 PM, MWST, Frankie and Francesca Pianta declared their daughter missing, and by 6 PM, MWST, Frankie had found a ransom note from the Robbo Thieves by the gallows in Rogueport Plaza demanding control of Rogueport Plaza in exchange for Roberta's safety. Frankie and Francesca agreed to the demands and Roberta was released by the Robbo Thieves, and the Ishnail-led gang took control of Rogueport Plaza as agreed.
Frankie, head of the Pianta Syndicate has reached out to us, commenting on the kidnapping of his daughter: “Dere's a lotta things I can excuse from dose Robbos, but kidnapping my little princess is where I draw da line, ya hear? Da Robbos may have gained control of da Plaza for now, but mark my words dat me an' my boys will launch a counterattack on da Robbos in da future! Dey think dey can get away with kidnapping my little princess? Well, dey got another thing comin'!”
Ishnail, head of the Robbo Thieves hasn't reached out to us for comments on Frankie's threats towards him and his gang yet, but there have been reports of the Robbo Thieves preparing for an eventual counterattack by the Pianta Syndicate through recruiting more members to the Robbo Thieves' cause, securing their fronts and continuously manning their stations. We at The 'Shroom will have more news on this gang war as it develops.
Written by: Walter G. Timeson (talk)
Prince Froggy Under Fire:
Chaos has engulfed the Frog Pirates of Yoshi's Island as accusations have been raised against Prince Froggy, ruler of the Frog Pirates. The accusers claim that Prince Froggy's claim to the throne is illegitimate and have called for his immediate removal as their monarch. Further complicating matters, there are no other members of the Froggy royal family eligible to take the throne, leaving it unclear what would happen if the prince were to be removed.
This development comes following the uncovering of old documents that were recently translated from the common language of the Frog Pirates. "If these translations are accurate," one historian says, "there cannot be any doubt that this so-called 'Prince' Froggy is not a member of the royal bloodline. A legitimate heir to the throne must be found at once and the current Prince be deposed."
The Frog Pirates themselves have found themselves split on the accusations. Many of them view the development as a sham meant to destabilize the frog monarchy. Others, while not doubting the legitimacy of the documents, have decided to continue supporting the Prince regardless. "His Highness Prince Froggy has been ruling our people since before I was even born. We've prospered under his rule, and I see no reason to throw him out. Even if he isn't part of the royal line as they say, he's earned his keep," one Frog Pirate told us. Others among the Frog Pirates are less charitable toward the Prince, demanding his removal. Many have commented on how Prince Froggy originally rose to power under dubious circumstances following the suspicious deaths of every other member of the royal family at the time, suggesting that he was a stooge put in power as part of a Koopa Troop plot to bring other species under their rule.
Following a demonstration outside of Prince Froggy's Fort, the Prince himself has released a statement dismissing the accusations as complete falsehood. He commended those among his people who continued to support him, while warning that the "treasonous swamp creatures" calling for his removal would be dealt with.
We at The 'Shroom will continue to keep you informed of further developments on the situation. Until then, this has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.
Written by: ClawgripFan9001 (talk)
Yar, that be me loyal mateys, tunin' in fer 'nother edition o' the Sport Report? Yar, it be! Well, welcome back, mateys, fer 'nother edition o' the Sport Report! I be yer sea lingo slingin' Sidestepper, ClawgripFan9001! It be April, which means it be springtime, so things are finally startin' ta get warmer 'round the Mushroom World! Well, most o' the Mushroom World, that be. Anyway, I won't be botherin' ye too much with me ramblin' 'bout the weather in this 'ere world, let's dive into the sports news!
So fer this month's sports news, I went on an expedition ta the Shamrock Kingdom, an' I searched the kingdom from top ta bottom fer a possible scoop on the latest sports news in the kingdom, which is when I came 'cross a snooker match. After doin' a bit o' research on the match bein' played, I learned that this match was bein' played by Luigi, the brother o' the hero o' the Mushroom Kingdom 'imself an' a notorious Mushroom Kingdom pool shark, Slim Bankshot.
Fer those that don't know what snooker be, I'll give ya a quick lil' rundown; Snooker be a variant o' billiards where two players or two teams play on a rectangular billiards table an' 'ave ta try ta knock 'bout twenty-one colored balls into six different pockets usin' a white cue ball. Usin' their cue sticks, the players or teams take turns pottin' the balls on the table in a predefined sequence, where each successful pot nets a player or team points, an' the player or team that scores the most points wins a frame. The player or team that wins a predetermined amount o' frames wins the match.
Yar, so now that ye know what snooker be, let's get back ta the match at 'and! As I was sayin', fer this snooker match, it be Luigi vs Slim Bankshot, an' it appears that Slim Bankshot be alive insteaduva ghost fer this match! I dunno 'ow that 'appened, but I don't be one ta question such things! Anyway, b'fore our players dove into their match, I was able ta get a quick interview outta both o' them!
Luigi told me durin' 'is interview that 'e be excited ta be able ta play such a refined sport such as snooker. Compared ta the games o' basketball, tennis, golf an' other sports 'e usually plays, Luigi said that snooker don't get as much 'preciation in the Mushroom World, which 'e finds ta be a shame 'cause snooker's a really relaxin' yet challengin' sport, which is perfect fer a fella into relaxation like Luigi. He do be a bit concerned 'bout playin' 'gainst Slim Bankshot though, which is understandable, since I 'eard that Luigi an' Slim 'ave bad blood goin' on after Luigi sucked up Slim's ghost on Professor Elvin Gadd's orders.
Slim Bankshot, on the other 'and, told me durin' 'is interview that 'e be grateful ta 'ave been brought back from the dead fer a game o' snooker. The pool shark also told me 'e be determined ta beat Luigi in this match so 'e can 'opefully get back at the green plumber fer forcin' 'im back into a portrait while 'e was tryin' ta play pool in peace inside a mansion in Boo Woods. Yar, only time will tell if Slim will actually beat Luigi in this match, so let's dive into the match ta find out!
Fer this snooker match, we be playin' a best o' five match, which means that our competitors 'ave ta win three frames in order ta win the whole match! Luigi an' Slim do a quick cue shot ta determine who gets ta go first, an' it looks like Luigi gets ta go first, which means our plumber gets ta start off this first frame! Let's get goin'!
So Luigi starts us off by pottin' the first o' the fifteen red balls, scorin' the first point o' the frame! Next, Luigi gets ta pot one o' the colored balls, an' since the black ball be the closest ta 'is current position, 'e goes in fer the pot, an' nails it! Eight points fer Luigi! Next, Luigi 'as ta pot a red ball again, so Luigi tries ta find the best angle ta pot a red ball from, an' upon findin' it, the green clad plumber takes 'is shot, an' pots the ball! Nine points fer Luigi! Luigi now be allowed ta pot 'nother colored ball, so 'e searches the table fer the closest colored ball, an' sees that the brown ball be the closest, so Luigi goes ta pot that one, an' succeeds, puttin' a total o' thirteen points on the scoreboard!
Next, Luigi's due ta pot 'nother red ball, so 'e goes ta find the next red ball ta pot, an' once 'e's found an angle, 'e goes in fer the shot, an' nails it once again! Fourteen points fer Luigi! The Green Thunder then 'as ta pot yet 'nother colored ball, an' finds the blue ball ta be close by, so 'e goes ta pot it, doin' so successfully! Nineteen points fer The Green Thunder!
Due ta time constraints, we're unable ta show ye the rest o' the first frame, but I can tell ye that Luigi was at turn fer the entirety o' the first frame an' managed ta clear the table with a total score o' one hundred an' twenty-two points, which means that Luigi's currently in the lead with 1 – 0. While Slim Bankshot goes fer a bathroom break, we'll be right back with the second frame.
We then find ourselves at the beginnin' o' the second frame, an' Luigi goes in fer the break, an' then 'as ta pot a red ball, but fails! Yar, that means it be Slim Bankshot's turn fer the first time in this match, an' as Luigi goes ta take a seat, Slim Bankshot gets up from 'is seat, an' spies the table fer the closest red ball ta pot, an' once 'e finds it, 'e readies 'imself, aims, shoots, an' pots the red ball! One point fer Slim Bankshot! Next, the pool shark gets the chance ta pot a colored ball, so 'e visually scans 'is eyeballs 'cross the table an' finds the pink ball ta be close by, so 'e goes fer that one, an' upon readyin' 'imself an' adjustin' 'is aim, Slim pots the pink ball, givin' 'im a score o' seven points!
Next, Slim 'as ta pot the next red ball, so after gettin' 'round ta findin' that red ball, the pool shark goes in fer the shot, an' 'e nails it, nettin' a score o' eight points as it currently stands! Slim Bankshot then goes ta pot 'is next colored ball, so 'e searches the table from top ta bottom b'fore landin' 'is eyes on the yellow ball, so he goes in fer the shot once again, an' 'e pots the yellow ball, tippin' the score scales further in 'is favor at ten points! Then we get 'nother red ball, then a blue ball, then 'nother red ball, then a green ball, an' it goes back an' forth 'til Slim Bankshot eventually clears the table with a total score o' one hundred an' thirty points! Yar, a job well done ta Slim Bankshot! As Slim Bankshot goes ta take a seat, Luigi gets up ta take a bathroom break while we await the next frame ta start! As it currently stands, the score be 1 -1!
We soon return with the third frame, an' 'cause Slim won the previous frame, 'e gets ta break this time, an' 'e goes ta pot the first red ball, an' proceeds ta miss it! It be Luigi's turn ta play now, an' while Slim Bankshot goes ta take a seat, Luigi walks up ta the snooker table, tries ta find an angle ta pot 'is first red ball from, an' proceeds ta do just that, scorin' 'is first point o' the frame! Next, Luigi goes ta pot 'is first colored ball o' the frame, an' goes fer the black ball 'cause it's close by, earnin' seven points after pottin' the black ball, now havin' a total o' eight points!
The Green Thunder then goes ta pot the next red ball, does that, an' now 'e 'as nine points! Next, Luigi pots 'nother black ball, earnin' sixteen points total! After pottin' the next red ball and earnin' seventeen points, Luigi goes ta pot the brown ball, earnin' twenty-one points! 'Owever, once 'e tries ta pot 'is next red ball, The Green Thunder misses! Yar, Slim Bankshot be up fer 'is turn next, an' as Luigi sits down in 'is chair an' takes a sip o' 'is water, Slim Bankshot goes in fer 'is first red ball o' the frame!
So Slim Bankshot tries ta find an angle ta shoot the red ball from, an' lo an' behold, 'e finds that angle an' proceeds ta pot the red ball, earnin' 'is first point o' the frame! Next, Slim Bankshot goes ta find the closest colored ball, an' finds it ta be the blue ball, so 'e pots it an' raises 'is score ta six points! Next, it be time ta pot 'nother red ball, an' successfully does so, earnin' seven points! Next, 'nother colored ball 'as ta be potted, an' Slim Bankshot goes fer the black ball, an' 'e pots it! Fourteen points fer Slim Bankshot!
Due ta time constraints, the remainder o' the third frame couldn't be shown, but I can tell ye that Slim Bankshot managed ta win the third frame with a final score o' one hundred an' fifteen points, tippin' the score scales in Slim Bankshot's favor at 2 – 1! Luigi's gonna be in needuva comeback if 'e wants ta 'ave a chance at beatin' Slim Bankshot at this snooker match!
Also due ta time constraints, we were unable ta show ye the fourth frame, but Luigi managed ta win the fourth frame after 'im an' Slim Bankshot took multiple turns tryin' ta pot the balls, but eventually, Luigi came out on top with a score o' one hundred an' twenty-five points. We be up ta the fifth an' final frame right now, an' whoever manages ta win this final frame wins the match! Yar, let's move on ta the final frame an' see who's gonna be winnin' this thing!
So Luigi's up fer the break, an' after that, 'e goes ta pot 'is first red ball o' the frame, an' the red ball lands in the pocket, givin' Luigi the first point o' the frame! Next, Luigi searches fer the first colored ball ta pot, an' 'e proceeds ta pot the pink ball, sendin' it into the pocket and earnin' seven points! Next, Luigi goes ta pot the next red ball, an' it plops down into the pocket, makin' eight points total fer Luigi! Luigi then goes ta pot 'is next colored ball, findin' it ta be the blue ball that's close by, an' it comes down into the pocket, makin' thirteen points fer Luigi! The Green Thunder then goes ta pot the next colored ball, an' 'e misses! Yar, that be unfortunate!
As Luigi goes ta sit down, Slim Bankshot goes up ta the table an' tries ta pot 'is first ball o' the frame, an' since Luigi failed ta pot a colored ball, Slim now gets ta pot a colored ball! So Slim finds the pink ball ta be the closest by, an' 'e pots it, earnin' six points! Yar, an' now it be time ta pot a red ball, which Slim Bankshot proceeds ta do, givin' 'im seven points! Now it be time fer Slim ta pot the next colored ball, an' finds the blue ball ta be the closest ta the cue ball's current position, so Slim goes ta pot it, an' succeeds! Twelve points fer Slim Bankshot!
Next, Slim Bankshot goes ta try an' pot 'is next red ball, but fails! Yar, it be Luigi's turn again! Luigi gets up from 'is seat and makes 'is way o'er ta the table while Slim moves away from the table an' takes a seat! Luigi goes ta pot 'is next red ball, an' it successfully lands in the pocket! Fourteen points fer The Green Thunder! The Green Thunder then pots the black ball, earnin' twenty-one points as a result! Luigi then goes ta pot 'is next red ball, an' puts it in the pocket an' earns twenty-two points!
We then skip ta the end o' the match, where Luigi 'as almost cleared out the whole table, an' now all that's left ta do is pot the final black ball, an'...Luigi 'as done it! 'E's potted the final black ball an' 'as won the match! Luigi celebrates 'is victory while Slim Bankshot gives The Green Thunder a sportsmanlike 'andshake an' congratulates 'im on a game well played! Yar, despite the bad blood 'tween the o' them, it appears that Slim Bankshot still respects 'is opponent in a game o' snooker, which be great ta see!
I tried ta get a hold o' Slim Bankshot after the match concluded fer 'nother interview, but I was unable ta do so 'cause the poor fella fell down an elevator shaft an' broke 'is legs durin' the fall, so 'e 'ad ta be escorted ta the Shamrock Kingdom Central 'Ospital fer treatment! Yar, it be unfortunate, an' I do wish Slim Bankshot well in recoverin' from 'is fall down that elevator shaft! But that be all the sports news fer April, mateys! I 'ope ta see ya again next month fer more sports news, an' I can already tell ya that next month's sports news is gonna get wet! Yar, I'll leave ya ta find out what that means, but 'til then, 'ave a great April!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Nimbus Land Threatens Drought as Talks Break Down
Nimbus Land's chief negotiator delivered an unsubtle threat as he left yesterday's unsuccessful round of talks with representatives from the Mushroom Kingdom, claiming that Nimbus Land is prepared to withhold rain from Bean Valley and Land's End if the Mushroom Kingdom will not seek compromise. Negotiations between the Mushroom Kingdom and Nimbus Land have been ongoing for weeks as the two kingdoms negotiate a new trade deal.
Officials in Nimbus Land have long charged that the relationship between the kingdoms is lopsided, arguing that, though Nimbus Land imports more goods from the Mushroom Kingdom on paper, the weather-altering services that Nimbus Land provides the Mushroom Kingdom, which is not accounted for in trade statistics, is worth far more than the value of all of Nimbus Land's imports. To address this imbalance, Nimbus Land has requested that the Mushroom Kingdom make additional investments in the kingdoms' relationship. These concerns have long been dismissed in the Mushroom Kingdom, which maintains that Nimbus Land already greatly benefits from the bilateral relationship, but, with the Mushroom Kingdom now requesting additional rainfall, Nimbus Land has turned belittled concerns into demands for concessions.
The evening after walking out on the talks, the chief negotiator from Nimbus Land, Cirro, had this to say when journalists asked how likely it is that Nimbus Land will follow through with the threatened drought:
Will we go through with it? I'll tell you that we will if we have to. I guarantee you we will if we have to. But the choice is really with the Mushroom Kingdom, isn't it? We're asking for commonsense concessions. A 30% increase in beanstalks to facilitate greater trade between our kingdoms, a summit between his highness Prince Mallow and Mario of the Mushroom Kingdom to strengthen our relationship via a meeting between two old friends, a reduction of tariffs on Birdo eggs, and more effective border policing to stem the theft of our coins from so-called "coin heaven", that's all we're asking, but the other side won't budge from a 10% beanstalk increase and an alternative reduction for statues. Well, clearly they don't consider the rains we provide very valuable if they're not willing to have real talks. Since they need those rains so little, they won't be concerned if we no longer provide them, right?
Both parties exited the latest round of negotiations without setting a time to resume talks, though officials from the Mushroom Kingdom have stated that lines of communication remain open and they are willing to schedule further talks with Nimbus Land's representatives if Nimbus Land reevaluates its positions. Neither the negotiating team from the Mushroom Kingdom nor the Mushroom Kingdom Ministry of Trade have responded to requests for comments on Nimbus Land's drought threats. For more insight on this negotiations breakdown, we turn to our experienced reporters, Shoey and Hooded Pitohui.
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Personally, Hood, I find the idea of Nimbus Land intentionally causing a drought as a potential negotiating tactic to be laughably shortsighted. Yes, it is true that Nimbus Land produces the majority of the rain that grows our crops and replenishes our rivers, but the fact is that, when you look at the statistics, Nimbus Land imports the vast majority of its agricultural goods (roughly 60%) from the Mushroom Kingdom. For Nimbus Land to threaten a drought on the Mushroom Kingdom would be cutting off their nose to spite their face; it makes no sense. Would it cause pain here? Yes, absolutely. The government would need to act quickly, importing food from neighboring lands like Isle Delfino and Jewelry Land. The government would also be forced to subsidize farms and fisheries that would see their profits evaporate with the inability to grow crops or hatch Cheep-Cheeps, but the fact is that the pain they feel would pale in comparison to the pain that Nimbus Land would feel. Nimbus Land is a small kingdom with a tiny economy whose main exports are rain and fine art, so an embargo on rain would crater their economy. Could they find other sources to peddle rain? Perhaps, but they won't find a trading partner as strong as the Mushroom Kingdom, and they would have to expand their reach on the clouds ,something they can't do without coins, which they won't have. I think there's a misconception many people have (which I will credit some brilliant marketing by the Royal Cloud Family for creating) that all rain is controlled by Nimbus Land, and that, without them, there would be no rain. That's factually incorrect. We would still get some rain, but it would be heavily restricted, with a government report for the Ministry of Weather and Climate estimating we would lose somewhere between 40% and 60% of the amount of rain we get normally. That's enough to cause significant damage to our agricultural sector, yes, but the fact is that, unlike Nimbus Land, we could weather (no pun intended) this drought significantly better than they can. Is there a trade imbalance? Perhaps. Does Nimbus Land deserve increased compensation for their rain exports? Again, perhaps. But the kingdom should not back down in the face of a threat that even the most obstinate of Nimbus Land's officials realize would do far more long-term damage to themselves over us. One last little thing, too. Nimbus Land better be careful with their threats. There's been a lot of advancements in portable rain technologies that convert ocean water into drinkable water, and, while, yes, right now they're limited to small niche Rain Clouds not suitable for large agricultural needs, if the Nimbus push us too far, we may decide that investing in Rain Clouds may be the most prudent thing we can do as a matter of economic security. If that day ever comes, the Nimbus people might find themselves to be the ones stuck out in the rain. |
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Now, this might surprise you, Shoe, but I entirely agree with you. Under no circumstances should the Mushroom Kingdom give in to what amounts to a hollow threat, but I would go further and suggest that the kingdom treat this as a serious threat. Nimbus Land cannot go through with creating a drought without causing more pain in their kingdom than they can cause in our own, this is true, but to even threaten this is a serious breach of diplomatic norms and places livelihoods and food security for thousands at risk. For that reason, I call upon the negotiators for the Mushroom Kingdom to not only refuse to bow to this threat, but to unambiguously state that, should Nimbus Land go through with this threat, negotiations cannot and will not resume until Nimbus Land ends the drought. Does Nimbus Land have a real point in saying that the Mushroom Kingdom has long benefited more from this relationship than Nimbus Land has? Yes. Does Nimbus Land have legitimate grievances? Yes. I've been advocating for real attempts to address this imbalance for years, and the Mushroom Kingdom should do more to support the relationship, even if it means there are some costs. Where Nimbus Land has lost my support is in their effort, even if that effort is a bluff, to engineer a humanitarian crisis to gain leverage. This is astonishing and unacceptable behavior, and an ominous portent for future negotiations if this sets a new precedent for international talks. The Mushroom Kingdom must be clear on this; this behavior will not be tolerated nor viewed as a normal part of the negotiations process. The kingdom must stand firmly against this, and, to do so, must prepare and must act. Emergency operations to bring significant quantities of water to Land's End and Bean Valley, at any cost should start sooner than later, and the kingdom must begin a diplomatic blitz to get the world to condemn this behavior. Nimbus Land believes it can get away with this outrageous and short-sighted bluff, so let the Mushroom Kingdom call its bluff by preparing to respond to this as if it were a real threat and by making Nimbus Land regret its decision in short order should they ultimately and stubbornly carry through with it. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Goombuigi, Roserade, and TPG
Dear Waluigi Time,
Ever since I first laid eyes on the sport of bowling, it has been my dream to play bowling myself. However, since I am a Goomba and therefore don't have hands or fingers, I cannot hold a bowling ball, and I was unable to find any Goomba-tailored bowling balls to use. Do you have any recommendations as to how to fix this conundrum?
- Goombuigi
That's quite the problem, isn't it? When I got your question, I was hit with a wave of inspiration and got to work! The answer to how a handless fellow such as yourself can go bowling is technology, of course!
Say hello to Waluigi Time's Goomba Bowling Augmentation Device (patent pending)! Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it? This handy-dandy device locks around your waist and has two reinforced cybernetic arms ready to bowl with! And it only cuts off blood flow to the rest of your body by about 15%, maybe 20%! These mechanical hands will be the key to everything!
It's not exactly on the market yet, but I do still need to run some field testing with it, so I'm willing to send the prototype model to you completely free of charge if you agree to test it for me! I just have to make sure it works properly and doesn't explode or do any other unsafe things like that. You'll need to sign a waiver first, of course.
That aside, I was also thinking maybe like, taping a really big spatula to yourself and using that, but I tried to see if you could lift a bowling ball with a spatula and I couldn't make it happen. And I actually have arms!
Happy striking!
Dear Waluigi Time,
Being the subordinate to a crazed mad scientist has its downsides, and I'm feeling that now more than ever. I have to support my people in the Awards Committee, but that requires spending more time out of the office and getting to know my Awards crew. I think my evil boss is starting to feel the distance, I can sense his sadness in the lab. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I also need to prioritize for my own life alongside his. What should I do?
-Thorn in Their Sides
Too many things to do and not enough time to do them, eh? I think that's the classic problem that everyone ever has had. Never fear, I'm on the job!
So, you need to focus more on your work - fair enough - but you also don't want to leave your boss in the lurch. Enter... cloning! Imagine how much more time you'll have on your hands when you can literally be in two places at once! And since your boss is evil, you're more likely to have access to cloning tech anyway! It's a well-known fact that villains are 62% more likely to have access to cloning technology than good guys. [EDIT: As it turns out this number is incorrect, Crazy Cloner McGee owns 10,000 cloning machines and is a statistical anomaly. The advice still stands!]
It doesn't necessarily have to be a perfect clone either. You know Gooigi, right? Perfectly serviceable clone! Just very quiet and a lot more malleable. An imperfect clone may be just what you need if you don't have access to the right stuff, and your boss may be perfectly okay with it - or not even notice. If you're not keen on pulling one over on your boss and seeing if they find out, sit down with them and see what they're comfortable with. If they're totally opposed to the idea of a you clone, then you can just keep working with them and send the clone to do your other stuff!
Best of luck - times two!
Hi Waluigi Time,
I let my "son" (long story) into my life in an attempt to bond with him, but he's stopped socialising with me, appears at random to watch me in the dark, and sometimes breaks into my house and occupies my favourite chair. What do I do?
- Troubled Paternal Gentleman
That... sure is a question. I assume you don't want to take the easy route and solve all your problems at once by cutting your "son" off again, so I'll just tackle those problems one at a time.
So, socializing is hard! You can talk all you want to the point where everyone around you gets really annoyed (I know from experience) but that doesn't mean anyone else is actually going to say words. My advice? Lock yourself in a room with him and don't unlock it until he socializes with you! Here's the really important part, though: make sure you have the key.
Now for the darkness thing, you have two options. Either cover yourself with a blanket or something so you can't be watched, or get rid of the darkness! Turn on all the lights in your house and just leave them on all the time. If that's not enough for you, go out and buy even more lights! Get a giant spotlight or two if you have to! If you need advice on how to pay your skyrocketing electric bill, feel free to write me again.
For your chair, I recommend incorporating a remote-controlled spring-loaded mechanism. With the push of a button, the seat of the chair lifts itself up and drops whoever's sitting in it on the ground. Now you're the only one who can sit there! But once again make sure you're the one who has the remote, otherwise you're the one ending up on the floor, and that's just kind of embarrassing.
Hopefully this helps!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where getting the snot beaten out of you is synonymous with finding a romantic partner, apparently! I'm your host, Waluigi Time. For those wondering, we did manage to resolve the Dark Bones situation from last month, but I can't explain how because I willingly had it erased from my memory. Don't know what happened there but I know I didn't want to live with that knowledge! Anyway, it's time for another match where hopefully less cursed things happen as a result of it.
Our first contestant today is the Geeky Gecko (I know he's not a gecko it just sounds good, leave me alone), the Collector Chameleon, FRANCIS!
Alright, so Francis here has an... interesting moveset. He can use his long tongue to swallow opponents and then chew on them, kind of like a more disturbing version of Yoshi! He can also summon his own personal Meowbombs on his laptop, which kind of raises questions about where they're coming from... I mean, it's not like he creates them with the laptop itself, right? And with his camera, he can blind opponents with the flash! But that's not all, he's also got a special defensive ability as well. As a chameleon, he's able to change colors and can blend in completely with his surroundings, effectively turning himself invisible! I wonder how he does it with his clothes, though...
I've decided I don't want to think about Francis anymore.
And the unlucky opponent for this lizard is the Expert of Egg Shooting, the Diamond Dino, BIRDO!
Birdo returns to her roots today - she was a serious fighter back in her days under Wart! Okay, well, maybe more of an arguably minor obstacle. Still, we have a chance to see good things here today. Her most well known attack is shooting eggs out of her snout, and if you didn't know that, I don't know where you've been. She can literally spice things up too with flaming eggs! Because as we all know, if you have a good attack, might as well set it on fire. And she can suck opponents in with her snout and even use that as a recovery move! This match just might be as far as Francis goes!
Predictions, predictions... Uhh... Why do I always have to come up with them? I just gave you all the info, you, uh, you can do one this time...
And we're off! For the first move-
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"Oh my gosh... A dinosaur babe! This is so high-technicaaaal! Nerrrr..." |
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!!!! |
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"Booting up Swoon.exe! Activate Nerr2Babe!" |
Um, okay, Francis is, uh, launching dating software... That's not how this was supposed to go.
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"Nerrherrherr... How do you do?" |
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"What is THIS supposed to be?" |
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"This is the software I use to talk to the ladies! What do you think?" |
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"I think you need to leave the house more often, lizard breath." |
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(She's feisty...) |
Birdo shoots Francis down immediately! Huh, I'm really announcing a date now, aren't I... Or at least an attempt at one.
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"So... What's your name?" |
I just said her name! If we gave out points for listening you wouldn't have any of them right now.
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"Oh, um, right..." (How embarrassing...) |
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"Can we just get to the part where I shoot eggs at your face?" |
Francis continues to embarrass himself and dig an even deeper hole! Can he recover? Probably not!
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"S-so... You're a dinosaur? That's pretty schweeeet." |
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"Mr. Time, would you kindly disqualify this pathetic individual? I have MUCH better things to do." |
Hey, the people came to see a match, so they'll get... whatever this is. But it looks like Francis needs to make a quick recovery to stay in it!
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"You know, you seem like the type that would enjoy this limited edition Starship X-Naut action figure! As a token of my affection, I'd like you to have it, nerrherrherr!" |
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... |
Birdo breaks the action figure in half! It's a tragedy for Starship X-Naut fans everywhere!
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"Th-th-th-th-th-th..." |
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"Okay, I'm done with this." |
Birdo launches a flaming egg! It's a direct hit!
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"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY GRAPHICS CAAAAAAAAAARD! AGAAAAAAAAAIN!" |
Francis' laptop goes up in flames, and the real match begins, finally! But Francis' motivation is already at an all-time low, we might not get much out of him! Birdo starts things off by firing an egg at Francis, but he manages to catch it with his tongue and spits it back at her! It's a direct hit! Francis tries to use his laptop to send in Meowbombs, but it's definitely not functioning again without some serious repairs first. Birdo's even more mad now, and spits out another egg! Francis tries to stun Birdo with the flash from his camera, but in a display of very unfortunate timing, the egg hits the camera and destroys that too! With his technology disarmed, Francis camouflages himself to buy himself some time! Birdo fires a flaming egg where he just stood, and apparently Francis wasn't able to get out of the way because he's now on fire! Or at least I'm going to assume that blob of fire frantically running around the ring is him, since he's still invisible. Birdo continues to shoot more regular eggs at the unfortunate chameleon as he darts around! The fire finally goes out, and Francis becomes visible again... and passes out. Birdo wins!
Well, that was certainly a series of events that happened, I suppose. Thanks for tuning in, hopefully you got what you wanted out of this? Normally this is the part where I'd say "tell us who you want blah dee blah blah blah" but we're not doing that this time, because I've been informed that someone has issued a challenge to our champion! Be sure to check it out, you won't want to miss it!
Now someone get Francis out of here, I don't really want to touch him.
Welcome back to TV Tomorrow, coming to you live this April from Wichita, Kansas! I am here on the first leg of the TV Tomorrow 2023 World Tour, travelling around the globe on my one-man open-top tour bus (no, it’s not just a skateboard, honest) to perform my TV Tomorrow articles in the oral tradition. Wichita is such a beautiful place; I’ve spent the day sightseeing, visiting all the amazing Wichita landmarks - the Grossmünster, the Opera House, the guildhalls of the old town, the beautiful lake, the enormous sign saying ‘Willkommen auf Zürich’ - I have to say, it’s much more mountainous than I was led to believe, and everybody seems to speak a curiously Swiss dialect of German, but who am I to question local customs? Anyway, I’ll be reading this article to a paying audience on the escalators in the Hauptbahnhof this evening, but if you’re not able to make it to Wichita in time to hear it, here’s the prose version of tomorrow’s top three in television!
Man of Metal
MKBC1, 9pm
Genre: Superhero drama
The Mushroom Kingdom is fortunate to be a society whose media has not yet become swamped by comic book franchises. As a result, Man of Metal, the new series based on the comic book character Metal Mario, feels distinctly refreshing and new. On the surface it’s a fairly classic superhero origin story about a plumber named Mario (heard of him?) who is able to transform himself into pure metal by putting on a metal cap, using this alter ego to fight crime with his iron strength and metallic sheen. However, the show, like the comics, contains some deeply-woven messages about identity, humanity, class consciousness, and galvanisation methods, making it well worth watching even if superhero media isn’t normally your thing.
Explosive Talk with King Bob-omb
MKBC1, 10pm
Genre: Political discussion show
The King is back! After severely exploding on set while ranting about Princess Peach’s economic policy, King Bob-omb took a three-month sabbatical from his talk show. The Whomp King did a reasonably good job filling in for him, but it’s good to have the old angry bomb back. Regular viewers might notice a change in tone; he’s been advised to calm down a bit and manage his short fuse for health reasons, so you might not get much of his classic rage. But there’s still important discussions to be had: tomorrow’s segments will include an interview with Beanbean gubernatorial election candidate Fawful, and an in-depth look at the housing crisis in Rogueport.
Film: The Super Mario Bros. Movie (With Commentary)
Party Channel, 9pm
Genre: Animated kids’ film
While in our non-fictional plane of existence, The Super Mario Bros. Movie is just another feature film, it’s a different thing entirely over in the Mushroom Kingdom, where, after some dimension-crossing Toads managed to acquire a copy, it is being treated as a bizarre curiosity. (I mean, it makes sense - imagine if you found a film about your life made by beings from another universe.) The movie has become a major cultural talking point in the Kingdom, and has already been aired a few times across various channels over the past week. However, the Party Channel’s showing tomorrow looks set to trump all of them: they are screening the film with a live commentary track done by several of the film’s subjects, including Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser, as well as a post-film discussion roundtable. Expect plenty of mockery as they point out all the film’s inaccuracies, joke about the design choices, and critique the decision to make a film about the Mario universe without even consulting anyone who lives there. (Incidentally, the 1991 film Super Mario Bros. is yet to reach the Mushroom Kingdom, which perhaps is for the best.)
And remember, you can hear all that and more at Wichita Hauptbahnhof this very evening, spoken as it was intended to be read, in my real voice (though of course modulated through a voice changer to preserve my online anonymity). You know, it’s hard work, running a World Tour all by yourself, especially in this economic climate - just to get the funds to rent this skateboard I mean tour bus, I had to fire my agent, who was also my satnav, so I’ve been doing all the cartography myself. But it’s seeing you, the audience, happily and thoughtfully consuming my work that makes it all worth it. Looking forward to the next leg of the tour; next up is Tulsa to perform in the historic La Scala opera house, and then I’m heading west across the Arizona Alps. But if you can’t make it until later, then I’ll see you here again in May for another written version of TV Tomorrow!
Consumer Corner
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
Somewhere out there in the grassy plains of the Mushroom Kingdom, a goofy-looking Koopa Troopa in hunting clothes tiptoes by, carrying a rifle. "Shhh! Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting eggs," Shellmer Fudd says, looking directly at the viewers. His attention quickly turns to something out of view, and he runs toward it to find... a colossal Easter egg! Shellmer points his rifle at it and gives it a good blast, sending a flurry of egg fragments into the air, and revealing inside the shattered egg... Waluigi Time?! "Hey, didn't anyone ever teach you how to knock?" says the cereal magnate, setting down an Awards Presenters Monthly magazine. "Oh, sowwy, I didn't know this egg was occupied," Shellmer apologizes. The hunter sheepishly tips his hat and leaves as Waluigi Time ducks back into what remains of the giant egg.
Elsewhere, Shellmer has stumbled upon a trail of much more normal sized eggs! Each one gets shot as he follows the trail creating an eggy mess, and at this point anyone watching should probably be questioning what he knows about hunting Easter eggs. The trail eventually leads him to the world's most conspicuously placed computer terminal beneath a tree displaying Waluigi Time's rabbit AI sidekick, Shbig Changes. "Would you care for some advice?" Shbig says, observing the egg hunter's inefficient methods. "Yeeeeah," Shellmer says as he looks up to come face to face with Shbig. "Hey, you're a wabbit! The only thing I wove to hunt mowe than eggs is wabbits."
Suddenly, another giant egg falls from the tree, crushing poor Shellmer. The egg breaks on its own, revealing, once again, Waluigi Time. "Hey, leave him alone! Do you realize how expensive these terminals are? Yeesh!" "Awe you in EVEWY egg?" Shellmer groans, pulling himself out from under it. "You realize how much effort you have to split when you're hunting eggs and rabbits separately, right?" "Weww-" "Of course! That's why you need... THIS!" Waluigi Time says, triumphantly pulling a chocolate Shbig Changes out from under his hat. "That's just a chocowate wabbit! Whewe's the egg pawt?"
Waluigi Time chuckles. "That's the genius of the product, of course! Eggs, chocolate, now you don't have to choose! This chocolate rabbit has... egg filling!" "Egg fiwwing?" "Yeah, egg filling!" Waluigi Time hands the Chocolate Shbig to Shellmer as he inspects it. "You know, I'm still not sure about how I feel regarding my likeness being eaten," Shbig comments. "Hey, you make your avatar a rabbit, it's fair game," Waluigi Time replies. "Hmm... Wabbits AND eggs!" Shellmer exclaims, and then proceeds to shoot the Chocolate Shbig, prompting Shbig and even Waluigi Time to give him a "dude, really" look. "That's... that's not what you're supposed to do with them," Waluigi Time says dejectedly.
Chocolate Shbig, available from Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. for a limited time only! With premium chocolate and delicious egg-filling, you won't have to hunt for either this Easter!
"Wahaha! Eat this or else!"
Diggin' Up Dirt
Written by: Spooks Booley (talk)
Kongspiracy Adds Up:
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Hey. Spooks Booley here again with more of the juicy tidbits that they don't want you to hear. This one's really gonna rock your world, okay? Pay close attention, I'm only writin' this story once.
So you know Donkey Kong, right? Yeah, everyone knows the Banana Slamma man. The leader of the bunch, you know him well, as they say. But turns out... He's not even a REAL member of the Kong family!
Story goes he's Cranky Kong's son, or grandson, or whatever. No one can keep all that straight. Don't know why. But it's not relevant anyway, he's neither! Oh, there WAS a Donkey Kong once... But this poser ain't him.
I'll let my anonymous, real, and trustworthy source take it from here.
Okay, so, turns out, the real Donkey Kong? He sucks at math. I'm talkin', flunked kindergarten three years in a row levels of suck. That didn't actually happen by the way. That was just, like... an illustration. So, Donkey Kong Jr. they called him at the time, he's at this river, right? Answerin' math questions and stuff, tryin' to climb higher. Dunno what the deal with all that is, weird stuff happens on DK Island. Anyway. There's old DK Jr. there, and he just... TOTALLY botches this one equation. 2 + 2, I think it was. Real embarrassing stuff. Falls in the river, gets eaten by Snapjaws. And Cranky's like... well crud that was supposed to be my heir, what am I supposed to do now? So he takes this pink guy, you might've heard of him, paints him brown. Says "hey you're gonna be Donkey Kong now" and the pink guy goes "well okay I'm not gonna pass up eatin' bananas and gettin' to rule the island and all that jazz" so the rest is history.
So there you go. Donkey Kong Island is being ruled by an illegitimate poser who's not REALLY part of the Kong family! Can you believe it? They'll deny it, of course... But now YOU know what's up.
Anyway that's all I got for now. Next time I get some dirt, I'll be sure to share it with you all. Stay sharp.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 193 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
