My first and only previous visit to Alton Towers was as a 12-year-old. The undoubted highlight was a ride on “the world’s most fearsome roller coaster”, the Corkscrew.
There’s nothing more likely to make you feel old than walking into the Staffordshire theme park and seeing an amputated chunk of the Corkscrew on a pedestal in the park entrance, like a museum piece.
Time – and our idea of what is fearsome – has moved on. This year’s new big thrill at Alton Towers is Nemesis Sub-Terra. Vaguely linked to its terrifying roller coaster Nemesis by some cockamamie story involving aliens’ eggs and underground secure military units, Sub-Terra is, perhaps, the most complete theme park attraction in the world.
The ride – I won’t give the game away, but it is both heart-stopping and short – is bracketed by an immersion into a world of barking security guards, plunging lift shafts and the quite real sense you were lucky to get out by the skin of your teeth.
It’s a great, and very different, addition to Alton Towers. Hardcore thrill rides such as Air, Nemesis, Sonic Spinball and the awesome instant thrust of Rita (my personal favourite) sort the men from the boys.
And at the other of the spectrum, there is quite brilliant appeal for young kids.
Theo, six going on 16, enjoys both the gentle appeal of the Squirrel Nutty and the manic grown-up rush of the Sonic Spinball roller coaster.
Skye, five, takes more persuading, but after threats of no sweets unless she went through with it (is that child abuse?) had a go on the Log Flume and the Runaway Train. She loved both. See? Good parenting skills after all!
We all loved Ice Age 4D – the fourth dimension being pretend snow and slobber blown on to you during the show – and Duel, a ghost train for the 21st Century.
But the Driving School, where kids get to drive their own little electric cars, was voted Ride of the Weekend by both. Stick on a night’s stay in the Benjamin Bunny-themed room at the Alton Towers Hotel and a superb morning splashing around in the WaterPark, and as weekends go, it’s tough to beat.
GET THERE
Day passes at Alton Towers cost from £31.50 adult/£25.20 child (booked in advance, saving 25%). Standard rooms at resort hotels are from £24.75pppn; themed room supplement £50 per room. Hotel guests get early park access.