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The 15 Funniest 'Drake and Josh' Quotes, Ranked By Nick Kids
Vote up the Drake & Josh quotes that make you laugh the hardest.
Drake & Josh premiered in 2004 and is still popular with audiences. The titular duo's antics were always hilarious, but the show also contains endlessly quotable dialogue. Whether it's Drake's one-liners, Josh's annoyed remarks, or Megan's sarcastic jabs, there's something of everything when it comes to funny quotes.
This list features the Drake & Josh moments that are guaranteed to leave anyone laughing. Not only will longtime fans get a kick out of them, but new viewers will be hyped to check the show out as well. Because of this, we've also pointed out the title of each episode where the quotes are uttered, along with the context behind the scenes.
So, let's take a trip to the best hits of this Nickelodeon classic that will have you laughing harder than Crazy Steve yells.
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1'What Do You Mean They Don't Make It To The Ground? Where Do They Go?' - Josh
Episode: Season 4, Episode 18, “Helicopter”
Drake doesn't know the first thing about humility and takes any chance he can get to show off. So, when he wins a free skydive off a helicopter, he naturally wants to make a big deal out of it.
While making out with his girlfriend right next to Josh, Drake takes a moment to brag. Wanting to look like a brave man, he claims it's so difficult that 1 out 5 people don't even make it to the ground.
Looking to take Drake down a peg, Josh asks how that even makes sense since there is no place for a person to go other than the ground when they jump off a helicopter.
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2'I Ain't Calling You A Truther!' - Josh
Episode: Season 3, Episode 9, “Foam Finger”
The beauty of Drake & Josh is that it can turn any situation into the premise for an episode. In this one, the titular pair has an argument that stretches back eight years.
Josh claims that Drake unfairly nabbed the last foam finger at a sports game from him; Drake contends that he got it fair and square. After they recount their stories - both having wildly exaggerated their point of view - a resolution still isn't set.
Annoyed, Drake asks Josh if he's insinuating that he's a liar. In response, Josh hits back that Drake definitely isn't a “truther.” To Josh's credit, he found a good way of calling someone a liar without actually calling them a liar.
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3'There’s A New Jersey?' - Drake
Episode: Season 4, Episode 2, “Vicious Tiberius”
Drake doesn't exactly catch on to things quickly, including general knowledge. Since they're in California, Drake isn't very aware of the East Coast side of the country, although there's little defending his ignorance here.
While he and Josh are house-sitting for Mrs. Hayfer, Drake spots a picture of her during her youth. Upon noticing she was once a Miss New Jersey, Drake asks Josh when a new version of Jersey even came into existence.
Having become used to Drake over the years, Josh simply replies that it was just opened, hence the name. It's also set up as a joke for the end of the episode.
While back home, Drake suddenly mulls over why it's called New Jersey when there was never a Plain Old Jersey. Despite Josh's exasperated reaction, Drake still doesn't let it go and asks if there is an Old Hampshire since there's a New Hampshire.
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4'Don't Tell Me What To Do.' - Mailman
Episode: Season 4, Episode 10, “Tree House”
Drake & Josh tends to have one-off jokes that have no connection to the main plot. The only reason these gags are included is to provide unexpected laughs, which this one certainly qualifies for.
At the beginning of the episode, Josh answers the door and receives a package from the mailman. He thanks him and says, “have a good day.” For some reason, the mailman is in a crabby mood, hitting back that Josh can't tell him what to do. Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
It's a silly gag but one that instantly gets viewers into a humorous mood.
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5'Pip Pip Da Doodly Doo!' - Drake
Episode: Season 4, Episode 15, “Megan's First Kiss”
After Megan begins to behave suspiciously, Drake and Josh decide to spy on her. Since she's headed to the Premiere, the two have to put on a disguise.
Unfortunately, the best Josh can do is get himself and Drake disguises as Irish Jews. The Irish part isn't even predecided; it's just the accent that comes out of their mouths when they have to pretend to be someone else.
Drake, hoping Helen won't figure out who they are, ends their conversation as soon as it begins, chiming “Pip Pip Pa Doodly Doo!” before he and Josh bail out of there.
Funnily enough, Helen doesn't catch on to their thinly veiled disguises. Instead, she repeats the phrase and claims she's going to begin using it herself.
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6'You Ate My Enchilada!' - Crazy Steve
Episode: Season 4, Episode 17, “Really Big Shrimp”
Getting on Crazy Steve's bad side is, well, a bad idea. But it's inevitable when the guy freaks out about pretty much everything. When he finds enchilada in the Premiere's fridge with no note on it, Josh assumes it's anyone's meal. Too bad for him, this makes him Crazy Steve's next target.
Josh's reckoning doesn't happen instantly, though, as Crazy Steve claims his doctor has told him to rage out only in select moments of the day. Just when Josh thinks he's in the clear, Crazy Steve's watch beeps and he reveals it's time to lose it.
To leave no doubts over his craziness, Crazy Steve snatches an old man's cane and begins chasing after Josh with it. The gag pops up for the rest of the episode, as Steve again chases Josh around whenever his timer beeps.
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7'Whoa! Just Take It Easy, Man.' - Drake
Episode: Season 3, Episode 14, “Theater Thug”
Sometimes, life is just too easy. That's certainly the case for Drake when an opportunity lands in his lap with minimal effort. When Josh is cast as the actor playing the Theater Thug in an episode of FBI's Most Wanted, Drake ends up reaping the rewards.
After pointing out a zit on Josh's chin, Drake is taken aback when the former reacts angrily. Asking Josh to take it easy becomes the ticket to Drake's success, as the director loves his delivery so much that he casts Drake to say the same line in the episode.
Even though Drake only has one line - and objectively delivers it very dryly - he becomes the biggest hit from the episode. While Josh suffers from people thinking he's the literal Theater Thug, Drake spends the rest of the episode being fawned over by admirers and enjoying a minor celebrity status.
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8'Come On, Dora! You’re The One With The Map, Don't Ask Me.' - Crazy Steve
Episode: Season 4, Episode 8, “The Storm:”
Never come between a man and his Dora the Explorer time. At least not when the man in question is Crazy Steve. When everyone's stranded at the house due to a storm, Crazy Steve forces Craig to crank up a TV antenna to run a broadcast of Dora the Explorer.
Despite a massive storm right outside the windows, Crazy Steve is more concerned with Dora's journey, loudly exclaiming his frustrations with Dora losing her way to her destination. At one point, he screams at the screen to remind Dora that she has the map, so asking the audience questions isn't helping anybody.
Although Steve goes overboard, you can't deny that he makes Dora the Explorer sound absolutely thrilling.
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9'This Hot Dog Is Not Wearing A Tuxedo.' - Drake
Episode: Season 4, Episode 3, “The Wedding”
Drake has quite the sardonic touch when he feels like it. One of his better remarks is when he pretends to take a comment literally.
When Nancy finds him eating a hot dog right before they're supposed to leave for a wedding, she tells him that people don't eat hot dogs while wearing tuxedos. Drake immediately holds up the hot dog and claims that the one he has isn't wearing a tuxedo, so he isn't breaking any rules.
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10'Cock-a-Doodle-Doo! The Cow Says Moo!' - Crazy Steve
Episode: Season 4, Episode 17, “Really Big Shrimp”
Handling Crazy Steve is an art form in itself. One of the few who can manage him is Josh, which Mindy learns all too late. After she's picked over Josh as the Premiere's Assistant Manager, she's in for a rude awakening.
Mindy comes out screaming to Josh and Helen for help, begging them to do something about Crazy Steve. The latter emerges soon after, swinging around shoes and shouting about cows going moo. It's only then that she learns about Crazy Steve's hatred for Mondays.
There isn't any explanation why he can't work that day except that he's weird about it. Of course, the joke is that they can't get him to work on a Monday, the first day of the week when a person is supposed to show up for work. But then again, it wouldn't be Crazy Steve if he didn't defy logic.
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11'That Is Not My Job.' - Helen
Episode: Season 3, Episode 7, “Helen's Surgery”
Helen has the kind of wit few can hope to replicate. But in this episode, Drake and Josh imitate the attitude she had as a kid. When she's had eye surgery, Drake and Josh help Helen to her place. There, they watch an episode of Happy Times (a parody of Happy Days and Good Times) that Helen used to star in as a child actress.
Playing into sitcom tropes from old, the young Helen is shown to have had her own catchphrase, saying “That is NOT my job” to anything asked of her. While she likes Drake's impression, Helen can't stand Josh's even though he does it exactly the same.
Later, during an imagined funeral for Helen, Drake repeats the line again, much to the amusement of all the attendees. It's a shame that Happy Times wasn't a real sitcom because the child Helen and her catchphrase would make anyone want to watch.
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12'At Who? The Guy Who Sold You Those Clothes?' - Megan
Episode: Season 4, Episode 19, “Dance Contest”
Josh joins the school dance contest to finish with a high credit score before graduation. Meanwhile, Drake learns he's about to fail gym, so he also joins the contest to make up for his score. However, he decides to take Josh's dance partner to increase his chance of winning.
While Josh waits for his dance partner, he begins to feel angry at the possibility of being ditched. As he fumes with anger, Megan casually asks him if he's angry at the person from whom Josh bought his clothes.
Although it's another one of her many jabs at her stepbrother's expense, viewers will agree with her. Josh wears an outfit that looks as if he can't decide between going to the gym or auditioning for Flashdance in the '80s.
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13'Look, I Know How Bad You Must Feel Right Now, But Tomorrow Morning, I Guarantee You'll Feel Much Worse.' - Megan
Episode: Season 4, Episode 1, “Josh Runs Into Oprah”
No matter what the situation might be, Megan won't be doling out any sympathies. When Josh is enraged at Drake for throwing his girlfriend of five days a birthday party instead of remembering Josh's own birthday, Megan has some choice words for him.
She delivers her statement with a serious tone as if to assure Josh that there's something positive to look forward to. After Josh points out that nothing of what she said makes him feel better, Megan laughs and takes her leave. It's another reminder of just how savage this younger sibling can be.
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14'There You Go. We're Not Caucasian. We're White Guys!' - Drake
Episode: Season 2, Episode 12, “The Gary Grill”
Trust Drake to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. His lack of knowledge extends to himself, as he fails to realize what ethnicity he's supposed to be.
The brothers are held by the authorities for selling grills to Gary Coleman, which turn out to be stolen. In reality, Drake and Josh were hired as salesmen by the guys who stole the grills.
During questioning, the officers tell the duo that the description of the felons states that they're caucasian men. Drake being Drake, he thinks that this clears him and Josh of any wrongdoing, claiming they can't be the suspects since they're not caucasian - they're white guys.
Drake clearly confused caucasian to be Asian in general and is left embarrassed when Josh whispers what it means to him.
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15'See Ya In Chemistry.' - Josh
Episode: Season 4, Episode 4, “Mindy Loves Josh”
Having generally been the guy who doesn't get the girl, Josh isn't used to receiving declarations of love. As expected, he fumbles it big time when a girl finally does say it to him.
After a fun time with his girlfriend Mindy discussing what they'll do for Chemistry class in school, Josh isn't prepared for her to pour out her feelings. Caught unawares, he has no idea how to respond and speaks gibberish for a few seconds before telling Mindy he'll see her in Chemistry class.
To make matters worse, Josh proceeds to slam the door shut in Mindy's face. The only thing that evolves the situation from worse to absolutely worst is when he listens to Drake's awful advice a little while later.
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