second & third trimester "bumpdates"

Hello, 31 weeks!

What a time warp pregnancy has been thus far. September has begun, and pumpkins, fall fashion, and all things autumn related have made their way into stores (and right back out of them, into my home and my stomach). I've spent all of spring and summer being pregnant, looking toward fall as my "final destination," aka little one's due date, so to think that summer is nearly gone really puts things into perspective for me. Ryan and I are going to be parents in two months (give or take)!

Second Trimester

I'm officially up and out of the glorious second trimester and into my third. After easing out of my all-day nausea and sickness in the first few weeks of my second, I felt like I was living the pregnancy dream by about 18 weeks. I didn't have the "energy boost" that I was promised. The way people talk about energy in their second trimester, I was anticipating more of a transition from Gary the Snail to the Energizer bunny. As it turns out, I just started to feel like myself again. I started craving more than just macaroni and cheese, I began cooking dinner again, making plans, exercising, etc. The only thing that felt different was my growing belly, with the occasional bout of discomfort. 

We went on a little baby moon down in Naples in the middle of June, which is about a two and a half hour road trip down I75. With a lot of expenses to come in the following months, we really wanted something short and sweet with minimal travel involved (though in retrospect, I would have been perfectly happy with just one extra day). We stayed at the Escalante Hotel right in the historic district of Naples, and spent the weekend eating out at cute restaurants, lounging by the pool and getting (complimentary!) cabana service at the beach. We even snuck in a little bit of family time, as a few of Ryan's cousins who live in Naples met us downtown for ice cream on our last night.

A few weeks later, we road tripped up to North Carolina to spend some time at a friend's family cabin with a couple girlfriends, and their husbands and kiddos! Both girlfriends are also pregnant, so it was nice to be in sober company...LOL. I'm so glad I still had plenty of energy on this trip (minus one random mid-day nap) because we filled it with hikes, exploring, and lake swims. It really was the perfect summer trip, and I was still feeling okay enough for two 11-12 hour car trips. Not ideal at 24 weeks pregnant, but it was certainly doable! Shoutout to my husband for driving about 90% of the time.

Third Trimester

The exact day I hit 27 weeks, it felt like my body did a 180 and I went from bopping along, happy as a clam, to feeling straight up uncomfortable. I'd spent so much of my time in the second trimester feeling good that I forgot it was likely going to get worse again.

Since beginning the third trimester, I've been experiencing:

• wrist pain, similar to that of carpal tunnel, but it's in both wrists?
• overall joint pain in my hands. 
• upper rib pain, almost like a big bruise that feels like someone is constantly digging their elbow (or foot!) into them. I should note this has been on the left side only (right side rib pain can be a sign of preeclampsia).
• difficulty sleeping, due to everything above.

Thankfully, some of these symptoms have been coming and going. Right now, I'm mostly having the pain in my wrists, which has been really fun when it comes to typing, using my phone, opening bags, existing, etc. 

On a brighter note, we are getting closer and closer to baby girl's due date. In fact, it's exactly two months from today! Because she's due November 2nd, she could even be an October baby. I'm hoping she stays snuggled in tightly, at least until after October 28th, as that is tentatively my last day of work. But she's in charge, right? I just keep rubbing my tummy and whispering to her "full term, full term, full term" and hoping she gets the hint.

(Most recent "bump" picture - 31 weeks, on the dot!)

Names

We have a running list of about 3-5 names at any given time. I still look at lists every so often, just to make sure I'm not "overlooking" anything that I could potentially love. I was listening to a podcast about naming your baby, and one of the pieces of advice that stuck with me was that hearing a baby name is kind of like listening to a new song. You might think it's just okay at first, but the more you hear it, the more you love it! We likely won't decide on a name until the day she's born and we actually see her, but that could change.

Next on our "to do" list:

• Get the nursery set up! Or at least, organize it, wash and wipe down everything we'll be using. We don't have the crib up and running yet, but we plan on using a bassinet for the first few months anyway. I know there are only so many things a newborn truly needs in those initial weeks, but I know our minds will likely be a chaotic mess once baby gets here, so I would prefer our home to be relatively clean and put together when she comes!
• Finish our guest/baby bathroom renovation and get a fence installed in the backyard for easy pooch release once baby is here.
• Attend a newborn preparation class (if possible...thanks COVID!) and watch some birthing classes online. I'm leaning toward Tinyhood, but if there is something else anyone recommends, please comment down below!

The countdown is on, my friends!

 

gratitude for this season of life

Lately, I've been having sporadic moments of gratitude for this life.

I think I read somewhere in one of my baby apps that this is typical for the second trimester of pregnancy. For one, I'm exceedingly grateful that my daily nausea has finally subsided, as it's been about six weeks since I last got sick. Aside from my consistent lower back pain and intermittent growing pains, I'm actually feeling pretty good, and it's making this pregnancy a lot more enjoyable thus far. I'm still waiting on that burst of energy I've been promised, but overall, it's been a pleasant couple of months.

Anyway...gratitude.

Now that we have a little one on the way, we've kick started a lot of bigger house projects. Ryan (with the help of some friends and family) has been demolishing our guest-soon-to-be-kid's bathroom, and we'll likely be adding a fence and gate to our front and back yard in the next couple of months. We'd like to get started on our porch renovation, and I'm toying with the idea of adding a board and batten wall to our dining room situation and throwing in a few pops of wall paint color. On top of that, I'm starting to get a cohesive idea of what we want our little girl's nursery to look like, and getting the itch to begin "nesting."

While our list of house projects can be daunting, and it seems like we'll never have the time, money, or dedication to accomplish it all, I can't help but feel grateful for this home we get to build together (in the figurative sense). I feel it when I sit in specific corners of the house, like our living room couch facing the open shutters on a rainy day, or walk into our bedroom with the basket lights emitting a warm glow next to our fiddle fig tree. Our house is finally starting to feel cozy, like ours. 

I look at Ryan and feel so, so thankful that he is going to be a father to our daughter. Shortly after meeting him (almost eight years ago!), I just knew he'd be a wonderful dad. He's literally the kindest person I know; someone who continuously goes above and beyond. He's thoughtful, silly, active, adventurous, appreciative...all of the things I could want in a partner on this parenting journey. To say I feel lucky is an understatement.

I'm not blind to the difficult times to come. I know there will be long nights, sleep-deprived arguments, excessive diaper changes, tantrums, and even thankless days ahead. But with those moments, no matter how long they feel, there will also be laughter and baby cackles, neighborhood walks, new traditions, story time, and memories made in this house, as a [bigger] family. I'm ready for the milestones and the big moments, but I think I'm even more excited for those tiny moments of joy that truly create a beautiful life.

It's a GIRL!

A few weeks ago, I announced on Instagram that we're having a girl! We couldn't be more excited to add a little girl to our family this fall. 

"Do you want a boy or a girl?!"

If you'd asked us prior to my bloodwork, we would have told you that we'd be excited for a boy or a girl, which was completely true! Everyone just wants a healthy baby, and I think that's fair to say. Having said that, and now that we know the baby's sex for certain, I can tell you that we were both gunning for a girl from the get-go.

I've always been fairly sure that I wanted to have children. Ryan and I talked about it before even getting married - we both wanted kids, but if for some reason we weren't able to, we would promised to each other that we would continue to find fulfillment in other ways (as there are so many ways to lead a full, happy life). In my mid-twenties, I had brief moments where I felt as though I could go either way - become a mom, or become the really fun "aunt Sam" to all of our friends' children. In any case, I knew I definitely didn't want us to start trying until after I turned 30...or, that's what I thought, anyway. It wasn't until around this time last year, just before turning 29, that my mindset began shifting. When I thought about waiting to get pregnant, I felt sad thinking about how long it would be until Ryan and I would become parents, and I realized that maybe I didn't want to stick to my self-created timeline after all.

But even within my moments of uncertainty, I'd always pictured myself as a girl mom. I had far more girl friends than guy friends growing up, even into high school and college. I loved playing dress up, getting new clothes for my American Girl doll, playing with makeup (which boys can do, too, of course). Long story longer: I realized that, when I pictured myself as a mother, I always pictured myself with a daughter. And after seeing Ryan interact with his cousin's daughters over the past few years, I knew that he would be the very best "girl dad," too.

How We Found Out

I know "gender reveals" are all the rage right now, but Ryan and I really wanted to find the news out together, just us. I took a non-invasive prenatal test (a blood draw) back in April, and after patiently(ish) waiting a week for the results, I reached out to my doctor's office to see if they'd heard anything from the third party company. I got a message back 20 minutes later:

"We do have the results! How would you like to receive them?"

Ummm, immediately, that's how!

I quickly sent back a message saying that I'd be happy with an email or a phone call, and they didn't open it for an hour. Ryan had gone out to pick up some to-go lunch for us, but I couldn't eat. I was too anxious/excited. When the doctor's office finally did call, I ran outside to where Ryan was hitting golf balls in our practice net in the backyard.

"Alright, guys. What are your bets?"

Ryan quickly said girl, but I hesitated. Earlier in my pregnancy, I'd been so sure our baby was a girl. But then I began having doubts...was I projecting?! I knew I'd be happy with a sweet little mama's boy, especially a mini version of my husband. It wasn't what I'd initially pictured, but I knew that I would love being a mother to any little nugget we could call our own. I said, "I think it's a boy."

"Alright, dad, go out and buy a lotto ticket. It's a girl!"

Me: "IT'S A GIRL?!?!??!!!!"

And just like that, we found out that we would have a daughter this fall. We are over the moon excited, and I haven't stopped looking at adorable dresses and boho onesies since. 

"Do you have a name picked out?"

I thought picking out a girl name would be a lot easier, but as it turns out, we have a handful of names that we can't seem to decide on. As of now, our plan is to have a list of three names and see what she looks like when she's born!

Thank you to everyone who has reached out and congratulated us during this time in our lives. I love being able to document this journey.

baby fredericks, coming november 2021!

Just call us mom and dad...we're expecting a little babe this November!

What a journey it has been already. To those who claim to love being pregnant: so happy for you! but wowza that has not been the case for me...ha! I'm so happy to be on this journey and I'm getting more excited with every passing day, but the first trimester had me feeling like anything but myself. Apparently the second trimester is supposed to be when things start to look up, so here's hoping!

From the beginning

I found out I was pregnant quite early on. Between getting the house together, going off birth control, and waiting to get the COVID vaccine, we never really gave ourselves the opportunity to "not try, not prevent." Once we were ready, I made an effort to track my cycle and before I knew it, I was staring at two pink lines. We'd been really careful until we decided not to be, and I realize that we are truly lucky to be able to say it happened quickly! 

On Friday, February 19th, I woke up after a great night's sleep and lounged around on the couch for awhile, sipping my coffee, and getting a slow start to the morning. About an hour later, I took the dogs for a short walk and felt totally winded. Knowing I'd slept well and done absolutely nothing that morning, I thought it was kind of weird. A couple hours later, I checked my Flo app to see when I was supposed to start my period, and saw it was five days away.

I thought about all of the "5 days before your missed period" pregnancy test commercials I'd ever seen and decided to take a random cheapie test I had on hand, without much expectation. After a few minutes, I looked at it and did it a double take at the super faint second line. I knew I needed a second opinion (err, a second test), and thankfully I had two digital tests on hand...which I promptly ruined (if you've ever used a digital test, you know this is pretty easy to do...ha!).

So there I am on a Friday morning - Ryan's working from home, I'm trying not to freak out alone, but I have nothing left besides the cheap tests that were already in question. I made an excuse to run to Target (like I need one) to "pick up a few home things," which was a borderline intention. Once I got there, I managed to distract myself in the home goods area for a bit (and scooped up a runner rug in the process) before dashing over to the family planning section and snagging both traditional pink dye tests and digital "pregnant/not pregnant" tests. 

I was shaking nearly the whole way home, trying to sing along to "Electric Love" (you know, "baby, you're like lightning in a bottle..." - what an appropriate song choice) and breathe. I immediately ripped open both types of tests and waited for a full three minutes. I looked out the window, closed my eyes, and opened them again to see that both tests were absolutely, no doubt about it, positive. I started shaking, laughing, crying, having an immediate "omg omg omg this is real, this is happening" moment, but managed to pull it together to call out to Ryan (in the middle of his work day...whoops) to help me open something in the bathroom. From the doorway, he looked at the tests, looks at me and says, "stop," before looking back down at the tests and pulling me in for a hug...not long before saying "holy shit!"

Safe to say we were both very thankful, and also very surprised! 

Cycle Stuff (if you're interested)

Since coming off my birth control back in September/October 2020, I've been religious about entering in my cycle information on my Flo app so that I could anticipate when my period was coming. My cycle hovered between 28-35 days, with one whopping instance of a 47 day (!!!) cycle in January. We'd considered starting around the end of 2020, but then I was given the opportunity to get the COVID vaccine, and after consulting with my doctor, we decided to wait. Well, I can officially be one of the many individuals to debunk the "COVID-19 vaccine causes infertility!" statement, because it surely did not.

Symptoms between 1st & 2nd trimesters

I was hoping to be one of the (seemingly many?!) people without any pregnancy symptoms, but by the end of week 5, I was feeling rough. I had difficulty going to the bathroom for about a week, and as soon as that subsided, the nausea swept in. Oh, the nausea. Just days before our nine hour road trip to Georgia (that hot tub I posted on IG? the glass of wine in hand? wishful thinking...ha! it was all an *~illusion~*). 

By week 7, I was getting sick several times a week, which in the grand scheme, isn't bad at all. But for me, being nauseous feels debilitating, so I was hardly myself. Nearly every night, I'd come home from working a ten hour day and retreat to the couch or the toilet, willing myself to get sick, just so I could finally feel better. It's only now, at 15 weeks, that I've started to feel more like myself again, with only intermittent nausea when I get really hungry.

Nausea aside, I've been zonked. Some days, I felt like I could just fall asleep right at my desk, beyond the kind of sleepy I'd usually feel after just a long day at work. I had moments where I thought to myself, "surely I cannot make it through the rest of the day," but I managed to keep it together most days.

Cravings & aversions

Cravings: anything cold! Give me alllll the [cooked] sushi. I miss raw tuna so much, but tempura shrimp and crab have sufficed in the meantime. Soda has been another random craving for me. In the last 10 years, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've ordered a soda or picked one out of a cooler to drink. But dark soda (Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, etc.) has been a biiiiig favorite of mine. Ryan scoffs at me because he thinks soda is totally gross, but damn, nothing beats a cold Coke, you feel me?!

Aversions: I haven't had coffee in over two months. I went from drinking a cup or two every morning to totally stopping cold turkey. I woke up one morning, went to make coffee, got a whiff of the beans and just thought, "nope." And I haven't touched it since. Also! Those Ritual prenatals everyone goes on about? Oooof. I can hardly talk about them, even to this day. While I don't think they specifically made me sick, I definitely got sick after taking a few doses, and they completely put me off lemons. Also, water sounded awful to me for quite a few weeks, so staying hydrated was overall a really fun experience for me.

Wrap-up

Because we found out so early, it already feels like I've been pregnant forever. Ha! But with such a massive life change inching closer and closer by the day, I think we're both taking it all in stride. I'm scooping up baby clothes left and right, imagining our nursery, scouring baby registry lists, and taking one day at a time. We are so excited for this next chapter in our lives!

a quick georgia getaway

A few weeks ago, Ryan and I drove about eight-ish hours up to northern Georgia for a cabin getaway. It was our first trip out of Florida since December 2019, just a few months before the pandemic and traveling became a complicated topic. 

We bought our first house at the start of everything, so travel felt far off our radar, anyway. We wanted to throw our money into creating a beautiful home, and with a lot of newfound free time on our hands, we worked on doing exactly that. 

I know that everyone has had different journeys over the past year. I've seen a few tone-deaf bloggers travel in the very early months of the pandemic, with seemingly zero concern. I've seen other bloggers, good friends, and even family safely travel by plane. Toward the end of last year, like many, I was itching to travel again. I scrolled through Instagram, and fell into the trap of, "well they're doing it, can't I do it, too?"

Ryan felt it, too. We contemplated booking a trip for awhile. Neither of us felt very comfortable flying just yet, but we still wanted to get out of Florida. We wanted to go somewhere a little off grid, as we weren't planning on restaurant hopping and getting back to our usual travel routine. As selfish as it sounds, we needed something to look forward to; something to be excited about. 

Back in April last year, when companies were scrambling to figure out what was going to happen next, my job required us to take PTO, even into negative hours. I didn't start earning PTO again until September, so aside from a couple days near the holidays, I've taken next to no time off since last spring.

I don't think I realized just how badly I needed dedicated time off; how badly we all need that time.

So, we decided to book a cabin in Blue Ridge, Georgia, where we spent four nights (Friday-Tuesday). It was one of the most relaxing trips we've had, because aside from an outdoor dinner reservation on our first night, we had absolutely nothing planned. We browsed downtown on a whim, grabbed lunch someplace on a whim, found a waterfall trail on a whim. We didn't have any "must-sees" or "can't do withouts," which was a welcomed break from our usual everyday schedules.

I took the rest of the week off work, anyway. Because you know what? I needed it. It felt so good to completely check out and come back from vacation without a schedule or an immediate need to jump back into a routine! I think that, as adults, we forget what it's like to abandon our to-do lists and just let the days take us where they may. 10/10 recommend, even for a staycation, or a no-cation.

I'm already counting down the minutes until our next adventure (which we have yet to plan or schedule)!

small changes making a big impact

You guys, it has been a year. 

Right? We all know this. We're over it.

Living through a pandemic has impacted literally everybody. Even if we've been able to find a silver lining amidst the chaos, I think most of us could safely say that we would have been a whoooole lot happier without COVID-19 and its hoopla. 

I digress.

Like many, I've learned a lot about myself since March. For example: I am actually far more of an anxious person than I ever gave myself credit for, and I've been trying to navigate that by finding ways to spark joy and reduce anxiety. Here's a short list of what's been working for me so far:

my first "currently" of 2020

It has been over a year since my last "currently" blog post. I could chalk that up to all the craziness in 2019 (planning a wedding, getting married), or I could blame it on 2020 (you just know). Alas, here we are. From new shows to new clothes, here's what's been going on in my little world lately:

Watching

The Haunting of Hill House - As much as I love learning about hauntings and ghosts, I have become a nervous Nelly over the years (ha...show-related puns!). I was hesitant to watch this show, but I'm so glad I did. Absolutely loved it. It definitely has its jumpy parts, and I wouldn't watch it alone, but the story was just too good, and it was beautifully filmed. The twists! The turns! 10/10 recommend. 

The Haunting of Bly Manor - Started watching just before Halloween, but we're only a few episodes in! Just as chilling, but not as "jumpy" so far.

Schitt's Creek - Season 6 is finally out on Netflix. AHHHH. Surprisingly, Ryan and I haven't quite "binged" it yet, but I think it's because we're sad to have it all come to an end. We're not doing anything for Halloween, but I think I might dress up as Alexis and gallivant around the house doing her voice and mannerisms. Mmmmm, happy Halloween!

Emily in Paris - Mixed thoughts about this one. I love Lily Collins, but there isn't anything exactly novel about this show. Her neighbor in the show is nice to look at, so that's reason enough for me. I'll definitely finish the season, but I wouldn't say it's anything to write home about.

The election results - I started drafting this post a few weeks back, but how could I not add this to my "watching" list? As of now, we're still awaiting final results and my anxiety levels are hiiiiiigh.

Reading

I have been slow in the reading game this past month, and I think it's because the two books I've started are nonfiction, which takes me a bit to get through. I started reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle, but then put it down once October hit to read I'll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara for a little spooky thrill. I haven't really sat down to read in awhile, so I haven't given myself the time to catch interest in either book. I'm hoping to give both of them a real shot over the next few weeks. 

Kinda feeling like I need to hop into another fiction read, though. Anyone else have a hard time with nonfiction? I rarely get that "I have to know what happens next!" feeling.

Making

Lots and lots and lots of Boom cards! I'm so glad I got into making these for my patients this year. Not only does it save me a lot of prep time, but I'm happy I get to use my speech and language knowledge to create a passive income. 

Our house a home! I think both Ryan and I got a little winded from all the renovations and seemingly endless projects. Our doors still aren't painted, baseboards still need to be calked, and it's time we got started on that guest bathroom, but we're slowly getting things together again. We just had someone give us a quote for plantation shutters on ONE window ($1200!!! For ONE!), and we're in the process of figuring out what to do with our backyard/porch situation. In the last few weeks, I've taken on some smaller projects, like framing and hanging wedding photos. Our home feels more cozy with our special moments hanging on the walls.

What are you up to lately?

our home project lists: weekend, 6-month, long term

As the majority of you probably know, especially if you follow me on Instagram, my husband and I are new homeowners! We purchased our home right before COVID happened, and we've been super busy fixing it up ever since. I've heard from a few of you that you enjoy staying up to date on our home improvement whereabouts, so I thought I'd give you an idea of what we're working on, and what we have plans to do. Below each to-do list graphic, I go into a little more detail:

Since making these lists a couple of weeks ago, I've actually already stained and painted our bedroom dresser! I'll be writing a blog post about how we flipped our 6-drawer IKEA Tarva dresser within the next month. We love how it turned out! 

Painting our doors feels like such a daunting task, but I know it will really elevate the look of our home once they're completed. Right now, they're only primed, and look exactly like what they are: unfinished. We're just happy to be rid of the old, shabby looking wooden doors that came with the house. 

I'm not sure how Ryan manages to work from home out of our current office situation right now, because the closet situation is an absolute mess. Since we don't have any doors or shelving, nothing has a place, and we're not able to conceal it. AH. We truly need to sit down and plan out exactly how we want to build out both the office and guest room closets so we can get adequate use out of our storage space.

And then we have the guest bathroom. YIKES. The walls (and ceiling!) are the worst, shiny brown color and the tiles are simply old, outdated, and a little rough looking. Aside from small updates in the kitchen, this bathroom is really the only "big" interior work we have left to work on. Ideally, we want to revamp the entirety of the guest bathroom - get rid of the current push-in situation, do a tile surround, replace the countertops, and maybe even the tile. 

5. Ahhhh, caulking. A simple yet incredibly tedious job. I've been working on this on and off when I have a few hours open on the weekend. Crazy what a difference it makes, though! 

Our primary concern in this moment: our back porch and patio. Our current patio situation is an unfinished attempt at additional indoor square footage. We're talking insulated ceiling foam tiles, random wooden posts, and laminate "wood" wall coverings. YIKES AGAIN. I've been out to our backyard less than 10 times since moving in back in March, because it's such an eyesore. Thankfully, Ryan makes his way out there to mow the lawn. I would love to get this project going so that we can enjoy some chillier temps out on the porch during the next couple of seasons. I already have plenty of ideas brewing!

After we've seen how much new baseboards elevated the bedrooms, we would love to get rid of our current (old) 3/4 inch quarter rounds we have throughout the house and install some new boards to spruce up our living and dining areas. It's crazy how something as small as baseboards can make such a huge aesthetic difference.

Speaking of elevating our space, I think plantation shutters over our primary (and only) front-facing window would add such a beautiful touch to our home. I need to schedule someone to come out and give us a quote ASAP.

Ahhhh, the long term projects. AKA things that probably cost a lot of money, or require lots of time and research. 

As far as the kitchen goes, we actually have very minimal concerns. I'd like to get rid of the blue Formica counters and go for something a little more neutral, but our cabinets are pretty much brand new. When we first moved in, we had ideas of knocking out a couple small walls and making our kitchen/dining/living space more of an open concept, but I'm not sure that's something we'll actually end up doing. I think it's worth living in the space as is a bit longer before making any big decisions. 

We have the absolute perfect wall for a gorgeous, custom built entertainment center (think thick wooden open shelves, recess lighting, cabinets, etc.) buuuut per our contractor, it would be approximately $3k. Could we splurge and make it work right now? Maybe. But it's not something that's absolutely necessary in this moment. 

Back to our primary concern mentioned above: our outdoor space. Once the patio is complete, it would likely be in our best interest to even out our terrain, as it slopes down to a mangrove-y type of area (there is water behind our house, but it's very far back...basically it looks like woods in our backyard!). And then once that happens...I want a spool! In other words, a spa pool...err, basically a small pool. I would like a small pool. I think I only have to mention it to Ryan approximately 38,000 more times before it happens.

Our garage is organized chaos right now, but that feels like too big of a fish to fry right now. It's functional. Ultimately, I would love to spruce up the laundry area a bit, give Ryan a proper area to store his tools, and make it feel like less of a dark, boring space. I can dream, right?

To conclude: we have quite a bit on our plate. Sometimes, we make comments about how we wish we could have moved into something a little more "move in ready." But most of the time, we're pretty excited about making this space entirely our own.

get to know me

It's been awhile since I've shared a little "about me" post, and since I have some new readers, I thought I'd re-introduce myself! SO HEY. I'm Samantha (or Sam). Formerly Samantha Rose, now Samantha Fredericks. Well, not officially. Social security has been closed, and I need to [finally] mail in my documents. But long story longer - my married name is Samantha Fredericks. 

I'm a Florida native, born & raised.

I grew up on a Florida beach, but moved about 30 minutes inland when I was 11 years old so that my parents could keep horses on our property. I used to ride competitively on and off up until I was a teenager, and then my horse passed away a few years back. While my parents still keep several horses, I haven't ridden in years. I would love to change that by the end of this year (once the weather cools down a bit).

Speaking of weather, I love weather. 

There was a point in my early teenage years when I considered being a meteorologist, until I realized just how much math and science that degree requires. I check weather apps and radar every week so I know what type of weather to expect and stay on top of my hurricane apps during the season. I also love a solid weather disaster movie. I finally watched Twister for the first time a couple of months ago, but The Day After Tomorrow is one of my favorites.

I met my husband at a bar.

We met at a local Tampa bar almost seven years ago. I was semi-freshly out of a relationship, and while I was dating around a bit, I thought I wasn't ready for anything serious. But when I met him, I knew he was going to become my boyfriend. After six months, I had a feeling that I could spend the rest of my life with him. Four and a half years later, he proposed, and we got married on October 12th last year.

Speech-language pathology is my second "career."

I got my bachelor's degree in mass communication and started working in sales right out of school, but ended up getting my master's degree in speech-language pathology a few years later. Growing up, I never pictured myself in a "helping" career. As a speech-pathology grad student, I never anticipated just how much I'd love working with children with autism. Now it's pretty much my "specialty" at work, and I love it!

Growing up, I wanted to be an actress.

I took acting classes and participated in drama and productions in high school, but my parents were always very adamant about pursuing education first, and then I could "do whatever I want." Even though I've held a job since I was 16 years old, I was basically living on their dime throughout college, so I followed their guidance. I guess you could say that dream kind of fell to the wayside as years passed. While I enjoyed it, I'm not sure I was passionate enough about it to truly pursue it. Maybe I'll join an improv group or community theater down the line, though! 

Poodles are my love language.

(Don't tell our mixed breed, Einstein). I've had dogs for as long as I can remember - primarily poodles. I had two standard poodles until I was around 13, then we've had a family toy poodle since then. When I met Ryan, he sent me a Snapchat of his toy poodle, Benni, and I think that's when I knew we were meant to be. Poodle people for the win. Plus, I thought it was pretty cute that a 6'8 guy went to the animal shelter on a "study break" during his last college finals week and walked out with a toy poodle.

Other random bits and fun facts:

- I can't stand the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.

- I'm naturally dirty blonde and get a "balayage" about 1-2 times a year...but I've been brunette twice. 

- I'd opt for loungewear over regular clothing any day of the week.

- I turn 30 next summer! This blows my mind, but I'm actually pretty excited about it.

- I am a Taylor Swift fan, through and through. I don't own a single CD player, but I will continue to buy a physical copy of any album she puts out. I'm loving folklore, and my favorite songs are august, exile, and my tears ricochet.

- I don't consider myself a picky eater (I'll try anything at least once!) but I don't like peanut butter or olives. Bleh.

Anything surprise you? Tell me something about you in the comments!

my (mostly) at-home workout routine

Prior to COVID-19, quarantine, and moving cities, Ryan and I went to the gym pretty frequently. Not in a "gym rat" kind of way - we just loved our local gym and had made it a part of our regular routine. Every morning before work, I packed a bag with workout clothes to head straight there after work most nights. Ryan went to classes almost every week day. On Sundays, we'd go to the 9 a.m. morning class outside in their "shed," then go to a smoothie place nearby for BOGO free smoothies, and occasionally Burger King to split an Impossible Whopper (LOL). Honestly, our gym was one of the reasons we wanted to stay in Tampa vs. buying a house in St. Pete. Crazy, right?

Obviously, it wasn't enough to hold us back. We bought a house in St. Pete, and we were in the midst of searching for new gyms in the area when COVID happened. Even though we started working out from home almost immediately, our workouts looked a lot different. I've gained 10 pounds since my wedding back in October. At first, I thought, "maybe I'm drinking more wine? maybe I'm not paying attention to what I'm eating?" even though I felt like not much had changed. What had changed? The intensity of my workouts. I went from burning 300-500 calories 3-5x/week to 150-300 calories 2-3x/week. Definitely a difference!

I'll be the first to say I am no fitness guru, nor do I have a desire to be. Throw it back 8-10 years, and I thought about every calorie I ate, what my next meal would be, how I could fit in another workout. No thanks, not for me. My body has changed over the years, and with that, so has my mindset. I don't need to be the fittest, or even the strongest person in the room. I just want to feel comfortable with myself. My biggest goal? To fit into the jeans I already own come the cooler months. Ha! I have too much to buy for this house to have to go out and buy new jeans, too. 

While some are going back to the gym (and that's fine! you do you, guys), we haven't had a giant desire to start at a new gym, so I thought I'd share how I'm trying to stay in shape at home.

Swimming

Note: this is the only thing I'm not doing from home. The pool following CDC guidelines. While it's all outside, we do have to wear a mask upon entering. They have even and odd lates starting from different ends of the pool. You have to sign up for lanes way in advance to prevent crowding. Long story short: I feel super safe when I'm there.

I swam competitively from the time I was 9 years old until I graduated high school. Country club summer teams, year-round swim teams, high school teams, you name it. While I was always more of a fan of the community and the swim meets versus actual practice, there is no arguing that swimming is a great workout. I haven't swam laps in years, so a couple months ago I bought myself a new suit, a couple caps, a new pair of goggles, and a kick board, and signed myself up for a lap membership at a pool where I grew up swimming. I'm only able to swim about once a week because of my work schedule, but it's been a fun way to vary my workouts! A plus: I get a tan without the sweat. Sign me up.

Yoga

I started doing yoga at home when I signed up for AloMoves, which I later swapped for Peloton, just out of personal preference (cheaper per month, music during workouts, community feel). I love the variety of classes - I primarily do flow yoga, but I'll do a "power" yoga when I'm feeling like I want a more intense workout without too much hopping around. I'll do yoga anywhere from 1-3x/week, depending on my mood (lately, it's been like 1). I have yet to do a class at home for longer than 30 minutes (I know most in person classes are 60-90 minutes) but that's all I have the attention span for while at home, if I'm being honest.

HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training)

I've also been using the Peloton app for HIIT and strength classes, which vary anywhere from 5-45 minutes. I have to get myself motivated for these classes, because sometimes I have zero desire to do a burpee, alone, with one really "forcing" me to do it. However, I know my body, and I need a good amount of cardio to keep in shape! So incorporating a HIIT class 1-2x/week has been a necessity for me. I could probably do more, buuuuut...nah.

Cycle

This is what I am most excited about! Since we're no longer going to the gym, we took the plunge (amongst many others) and bought a Peloton. We ordered it right before my birthday in late June, and finally received it this past Wednesday (August 5th). I've only done one class on it so far, but it killed me. I love that you can sign up for live classes and watch the leaderboard to see how you rank with others all over the world (or not! you can hide it, too). I'm pumped to incorporate it into my regular workout routine. I know COVID will eventually pass, but we still thought of this purchase as a good investment. When we eventually have kids, it'll be helpful to have some kind of [motivating] exercise equipment in the house. 

Now that we have our Peloton, I anticipate my weekly workout routine to look more like (example schedule): 

HIIT 1x/week (Tuesdays)

Cycling 2-3x/week (Mondays, Thursdays, and/or Saturdays)

Swimming 1x/week (Fridays)

Yoga 1-2x/week (Wednesdays and/or Sundays)

I love having a variety in my workouts, and I just want to keep myself moving everyday, so I'm excited to see the results of a consistent routine, now that I finally have one nailed down.

What have you been doing to stay in shape this year?

our home buying process

If you've been around here for awhile, you know I've been talking about us buying a house for a long time. It was actually one of my goals for 2019, per my personal journal. But with wedding expenses (and my new student loan payment), most of our money was going elsewhere. Additionally, our apartment lease was going to end less than 10 days after returning from our honeymoon in Hawaii. We didn't want to feel pressured to buy a house that we didn't love, so we decided to wait.

That's not to say we didn't begin our hunt before then. We started neighborhood hunting around Tampa in the early months of 2019. We'd hop in the car on a random Sunday afternoon and browse around "SOG" (south of Gandy - a semi-cheaper area of south Tampa, which is $$$) and different neighborhoods of Seminole Heights (Riverside Heights, Southeast Seminole Heights, Old Seminole Heights). We thought about looking around the St. Pete area, where I grew up, but it wasn't at the front of our minds. Even though I worked in St. Pete, we both felt confident that we wanted to continue our lives in Tampa. A lot of our friends live in Tampa, we loved our gym, we loved Bayshore Boulevard, we had our go-to restaurants and stores. Tampa was our home.

We perused open houses to get an idea of what we liked (master bedrooms that could fit a king size bed) vs. what we didn't like (narrow kitchens). We were heavily researching, but with the wedding in the works, we didn't feel comfortable making any big decisions.

We got married in October, and started to take our search a little more seriously a couple weeks later. We chose our real estate agent - a family friend who'd helped both my parents and my sister buy and sell their homes over the last 20 years - and went to our first official round of showings.

Our initial requirements:

• 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
• 1,200 + square feet
• Minimal work required

We quickly realized that we had a lot more to consider. And we learned a lot in that initial showing.

For example...

• Quick flips = chocolate covered cockroaches. Newly renovated doesn't mean carefully renovated. 
• Master bedrooms don't always coexist with an ensuite bathroom.
• It doesn't matter how much you love the house if you don't like the street.

Needless to say, we saw a lot of duds...but we remained hopeful!

In January, we went for a longer house hunt in St. Pete. We visited about six homes in varying neighborhoods. The first one, a 3/2 with a two car garage, was in a beautiful neighborhood (secluded street, close to the water, less than 15 minutes from downtown), but needed a lot of work. Both bathrooms were looking rough, the porch was awful, the doors had seen better days, etc. Unfortunately, it was listed too high for us to consider, given all that needed to be done. Pass.

The next few houses were in okay neighborhoods, but featured awkward layouts, half bathrooms listed as the second bathroom, and cheap renovations. Pass pass pass. 

We went to a few more showings with our realtor during the next month or so. Sometimes we saw six showings in one trip; other times we went to visit just one home. We continued to visit open houses on our own as a pre-screening before deciding if we wanted to consider it as a serious option. It was a fun weekend activity for us, until we actually started liking a house only to see it go to somebody else. We visited one we'd been eyeing for months in a cute historic neighborhood in Seminole Heights, just steps away from a few restaurants, breweries, and shops, only to find it was pending sale by the end of its first open house. Ouch.

Zillow searching became the bane of my existence. Even though our budget was pretty generous for a first home, I began to fall into the trap of "if only we had X amount of $ instead, then we could find the perfect home." Not fun, nor fair, for us.

In early February, I went to an art show with my mom and sister in Gulfport, a cute little beach town in the St. Pete area. On a whim, I asked my mom if she wanted to drive around some of the neighborhoods we'd been looking at in St. Pete. I offered to take her past the initial house in St. Pete (3/2/2, awful porch). As we entered the neighborhood, my mom began cooing and singing its highest praises immediately.

"Look at how well everyone keeps their yard! That's a great school nearby! Look, you're tucked away! Oh, a park! Oh, I love it! You need to reconsider this house." We drove past it 2-3 times in several circles around the neighborhood. It was the strangest feeling. It was in those few moments, after a quick conversation with my mom, that I thought to myself, "huh. yeah, this feels right." 

I went home to our apartment that night and discussed it with Ryan. We figured we should at least take a look at the house from a different perspective, and we arranged another showing with our realtor. Between our initial showing and our second, the seller had dropped the listing price by about $15k, which made the opportunity even more attractive.

After our second showing, we wanted the house, no doubt about it. Naturally, so did another couple. Suddenly, a house that had been on the market for months was potentially slipping out of our grasp. WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL, AM I RIGHT? 

I believe the other couple placed an offer that felt too low to the seller, so she opted to see what we wanted to do. On Valentine's Day, we popped a bottle of wine as we officially submitted our offer. It was accepted a few days later, and we awaited inspection and the appraisal (albeit, impatiently). While the seller initially wanted a 45 day close, our realtor worked his magic and negotiated a 30-day close. As it turned out, the seller found a new home very quickly, and we were able to close in less than 30 days. 

And if you're doing a timeline in your head, why yes - we closed on Friday, March 13th, just days before the entire country went into lockdown due to COVID-19. What a time to be alive, right? More like, what a time to have to go to home improvement stores every single day of your life.

TL;DR -

• We started looking for houses about a year in advance, but the actual house hunt took less than 6 months.
• We opted for a house that needed a lot of work, but was in a desirable neighborhood.
• We closed on our house in less than 30 days.

It's been almost five months since we moved in, and it's true what "they" say: home improvement is a marathon, not a sprint. We've gotten so much done in such a short amount of time, but we still have a whole lot we want to do, a lot we want to buy, a lot we want to consider. Despite the work, it has been so worth it to watch it all come together!

looking back on the decade

At the start of 2010, I was 18 and a half years old, going into my second semester of college at the University of South Florida. I was living in a dorm room, about to rush a sorority (unbeknownst to me, truthfully), and working as a hostess at The Cheesecake Factory. My hair was box-dyed dark, I was just a few months away from starting a health kick that would cause me to lose almost thirty pounds, and I hung out with a lot of people who weren't really my friends, while also maintaining a solid group of people who actually were. 

Losing all that weight left me in a complicated head space that I battled on and off for a couple of years. I became lactose intolerant(ish), which threw my body and my brain for a loop as I tried to re-learn what I could eat, while figuring out what was healthy for me to eat, and what that actually meant, period. I became obsessive about everything that went into my body, which was a fight that I thankfully overcame within a year or so.

I kissed a lot of frogs, and looking back, had questionable taste in men. I accepted far less than what I deserved, but I think most everyone does in their early 20s. At my worst, I was vindictive. I sought revenge. I let people walk all over me. I had a lot of fun, and I spent too much time with guys who would never matter. I had a few boyfriends, who taught me what I want and ultimately, what I didn't want out of a relationship. Early in the decade, I met a man at a bar who would, by the end of the decade, become my husband.

I went into the decade majoring in mass communication, with an idea that I wanted to work in magazines, or become an actress one day, while doing absolutely nothing productive toward either dream. Instead, I worked in restaurants and took on scattered types of internships with no real idea of how to become what I thought I wanted to be. I worked in sales until deciding to go back to school for speech-language pathology, got a master's degree, and started my dream job nearly right out of the grad program.

Having lived in a state where humidity is a continuous season for my entire life, I had dreams to move out of state. I thought about California, thought about Chicago, thought about literally any place that could give me something different than what I'd grown up around. I applied for graduate schools out of state, but remained in Tampa, just thirty minutes outside of my hometown, where we'll likely buy our first house.

Things happened a little differently than I envisioned, and like most, I'm so happy with the outcome. I'm a lot different at 29 than I was at 19, as I should be, and for that I am thankful. I work out to stay healthy and feel good in my clothing, not because I feel I need to look a certain way. I'm working a job that I had no idea about at the start of 2010, that I now love. I'm married to the love of my life; someone who makes me better just by being themselves. I've had plenty of difficult moments, weeks, and months. I've been stressed out and broken down and at my worst. But at the risk of sounding boastful, I closed the decade feeling ridiculously happy, fulfilled, and secure.

How did you feel about the last 10 years?

going into 2020

As I get older, I've grown to love the start of a new year. Not in a "new year, new me" sense, but because I like the idea of a fresh start. New months to create new memories, to begin new journeys, to plan new adventures. I've had a pretty slow start to the year, and it has been so good for my soul.

We woke up late on New Year's Day after having a tad too much fun on New Year's Eve. I made pancakes and coffee, and Ryan made make-shift curtains out of blankets to block out the sun's glare while we binge-watched our remaining seven episodes of You on Netflix, taking a break only to pick up Thai food and take the dogs on a two mile walk around the neighborhood. It was quiet and lazy and perfect.

I haven't put a lot of thought into my New Year's Resolutions just yet. I like the idea of coming up with a word, but I'm having trouble committing. Right now, these words are floating around in my head:

- intentional

- confident

- adventure

- create

- habit

- grow

...or can my word just be "house," because that's our biggest goal of the year? 2020 is the year we finally hop out of this adorable shoebox of an apartment. It's been real and it's been nice, but having storage space and a bigger kitchen will be real nice. 

Goal wise, I have just a few:

- Read 12 books. My goal for the past two years (that I haven't hit for the past two years) has been 25 books, but truthfully, I didn't like the pressure of having to speed through a book just to get to the next one. I get using a number as a motivator to get yourself to read, but I want to thoroughly enjoy a story just for the sake of reading, so I changed it up a little this year.

- Attend one class at the gym per week. Because who doesn't love organized sweating? Just kidding. But it's nice to just be able to walk into the gym and not think about what to do, ya know?

- Be more intentional about what I put in my closet. This means not buying clothing on a whim just because I like it, but thinking about what actually looks good on me, what will hold up, and what I'll still like in the years to come.

Going into 2020 feels kind of strange, because 2019 was such a big year for us. It was the year we finally got married. I started working for a new organization, and learned more about my field and myself as a speech pathologist than I ever could have imagined. It was a year full of wedding planning, celebrating, and learning, and I think this year will look a lot different for the simple fact that we aren't planning a wedding anymore. I'm a bag of mixed emotions about that, although about 98% of that bag is filled with relief...ha!

How's your start to 2020? Have you chosen a word, or set any resolutions?

live from christmas eve

Coming at you live from my couch on this Christmas Eve morning. I worked a whopping one day of this holiday week yesterday, and I'm kicking off the rest of this six day holiday weekend while watching The Nightmare Before Christmas (I finally caved and got Disney+) while sipping coffee with peppermint mocha creamer. Florida is uncharacteristically chilly for this time of year, hovering in the low 60s with gray skies, and because I relish in this weather, I am loving it.

It's easy to get sucked into a game of comparison this time of year. She's getting that for Christmas, they're going to a ski lodge for the week, how did he get that much time off work, we didn't go to any Christmas parties and they've been going to one every weekend. Even now, as I'm writing this post, I thought to myself, "did we even do a whole lot to celebrate this year?"

For us, this Christmas has been an accumulation of little moments.

- setting up the tree just before Thanksgiving while watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
- buying peppermint mocha creamer
- hanging up multicolor lights in our bedroom and flickering white lights in the kitchen
- breaking out the Christmas coffee mugs
- making Oreo truffles for a holiday cookie exchange
- decorating my office with wintery window decals
- holiday shopping with my best friend and her sweet little babe
- having an ornament exchange with the best coworkers
- taking pictures in front of a giant Christmas tree in Savannah with my husband
- eating alllll the Christmas cookies...all of them
- watching my favorite movies like The Family Stone, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and Love Actually.

Gift wise, Ryan and I are keeping our exchange low-cost this year. Gift giving is kind of weird as a married couple - his money is my money, and vice versa. We both agreed that our honeymoon in Hawaii was the best gift we could have given each other. Our hope in the new year is to buy our first home, so our financial focus is geared more toward that than presents this season. Who knows, maybe we'll be hosting the holidays this time next year?

Alas, I'm talking about Christmas like it's already over, even though it's just getting started. We're heading down to Fort Myers to visit my in-laws today, where I plan to drink prosecco with rosemary garnish, whip up a fantastic Christmas breakfast, and enjoy our first Christmas as a married couple.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas (or a happy Hanukkah)! What are your plans for the holiday? Any last minute shopping to do?

post wedding + honeymoon ramble.

WHAT IS UP, FRIENDS.

This is the first time I've actually sat down with the intention to write a blog post in a long, long time. I've thought about it. I've wanted to do it. I've had things to write about, as much has gone on in the last two months since I've posted. But here we are, nearly halfway through November, and while I've never felt so disconnected from this space, I'm going to attempt to find my flow. And we all know that any good flow begins with a disorganized ramble, so let's begin.

+ We got married on October 12, 2019, exactly six years after our first date. Months and days and hours of planning behind us, we finally had our wedding day at our dream venue on a beautiful night, surrounded by family and friends. It wasn't perfect - there were things I wish I remembered to do, things I wish I had done differently, things that went wrong - but the majority of it was perfect, for us. Much, much more to come on this topic!

Photos by Emily Mathewson Photography

+ We honeymooned on Kauai (in Hawaii) for six days. OH. MY. GOD. SWOOOON. Kauai has our hearts forever. It likely changed us forever. It's the kind of place where you feel so far removed from your usual hustle and so enamored by nature that you either, a) forget who you are a little bit, or b) find who you are a little bit. 10/10 recommend. If Hawaii has only "kinda sorta"been on your bucket list, move it up to the top.

Photos by Julia Kathleen Photography

+ We are in the process of buying our first house together. Well, we are in the very early stages, but we finally secured a real estate agent, and we're scoping out neighborhoods with purpose. I love our cute little apartment in the middle of everything, but I do not love our neighbors, and I do not love our lack of backyard and closet space. We're ready to move on up and out!

Hopefully you'll see a bit more of me around these parts. Now that I'm done with wedding planning, I'm itching to get back into a hobby - more specifically, writing. Love you, mean it.

one year ago | then & now

One year ago today, I was just a month post-graduation with my master's degree in speech-language pathology. I'd recently finished up my last externship in pediatric home health, where I had firmly decided that I wanted to work with kids, and interviewing all over the place to figure out where I wanted to be. I was working doubles left and right at the restaurant I'd been working at for the past 3.5 years, but I was less than two months away from accepting a position in the public schools.

Now, I'm working as a pediatric SLP in a medical setting at my dream job. I feel challenged literally every single day. I love my patients and their families, and I'm growing more and more comfortable with myself as a clinician and as a professional. The majority of my caseload is early-intervention age children with autism (something I never thought I'd be doing), and I run two social skills groups per week.

One year ago today, I was a few days away from going wedding dress shopping for the first time. We'd just signed with our venue after having negotiated a great rate (note: things happen & we're spending more than anticipated...such is a wedding). We had plans to honeymoon at an all-inclusive resort somewhere in the Caribbean, like St. Lucia...or Bali, if we could just get past the $2,000 plane ticket. We were dipping our toes into the wading pool of wedding planning, and the big day felt light years away.

Now, we're 32 days (!!!) away from getting married. The vendors have been booked, the honeymoon is squared away (see you soon, Kauai), and I'm in the midst of finalizing little details like tipping, event signs, and a hair and makeup schedule. I'm going on my bachelorette party next weekend, and I'm just a couple weeks away from my final dress fitting! It's all coming together. Also, we're spending an exorbitant amount of money on salmon as an entree. So if you're a guest at the wedding...do me a solid, and go for the fish.

One year ago today, I was relishing in post-graduate school freedom. After quitting my full time sales job and starting to work toward my master's degree back in 2015, I always felt like there was something I needed to be doing. Another hour of studying for the GRE, a quick edit to my letter of intent, an exam to study for, a client report to wrap up. I knew that once I joined the professional working world again, my 9 a.m. wakeup calls and weekday trips to the beach would be a thing of the past. And they are.

Because now, the first few days of my week are consumed with work, going to the gym, and sleep. I have about 2-3 hours to myself on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights, but my weekend starts at 6 p.m. Thursday evening.

I spent nearly four years working toward the life that I'm living now. Working in a restaurant, while getting yelled at by hangry, entitled business men and women, I'd think to myself, "I am so ready to close this chapter of my life." Looking back, I don't regret those thoughts. I was ready to be done long before I put in my two weeks, but there's something to be said about enjoying a season of life while you're in it.

With that said, I encourage you to take a look around. If you're struggling in school, know that you won't be forever. If you're hating the single life, relish in the extra time you have to get to know yourself (and the extra time you have to keep doing whatever the hell you want). If you're hating your job, know that you could find another one next week. Life has a way of switching up your game plan while you're not looking, so try and take it all in. Chances are, you're doing just fine.

saying goodbye to summer & looking ahead to fall

As we near the end of August (!!!), my Instagram feed and email inbox have been filling up with fall fashion, decor, and edible goodness. It's still 95 degrees in my neck of the woods, as it will remain for a few more months, so adorable chunky sweaters and pumpkin spice creamer simply feels out of context for this native Floridian. I've always envisioned moving some place where the seasons change; where I can anticipate a dip in the temperature in the evenings, slip on a cream colored cardigan and booties for a Friday date night in September. Alas, September in my neck of the woods typically means a month of active hurricanes with mysterious paths, so I guess you could say it's different.