Daddys Little Secret By Tina Davis

Chapter 3: Growing Up

Everything changed for me after Charlie and Mum got married. Shortly after the wedding Mum got pregnant with my little brother Daniel, but the doctors found an ovarian tumour. The baby was growing at the same time as the tumour so they couldnt give her any treatment while she was pregnant. It didnt bother me much that Mum wasnt well but I hoped the baby would be okay. She was in and out of hospital so that she could be monitored by the doctors and nurses there, and when she was away, us kids were left at home with Charlie. Thats when things got even creepier. One night he said to me, Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight and watch TV? It was a treat to be able to stay up late so I went upstairs and fell asleep in his bed. The next morning I woke up, rubbed my eyes and realised I was still in Charlies bed. There he was, his big chest heaving up and down as loud snores filled the room. I didnt understand why he hadnt taken me into my own room when he went to bed instead of sleeping right next to me. It felt odd, waking up in my mum and dads room but I didnt mind and I was too naive to think much of it I just rolled off the side of the bed and padded downstairs to make some toast. When Mum was a few months pregnant we all moved again. This time to a three-bedroom house, which was not far from the local hospital. Charlie, or Dad as I now started

calling him, had converted a small cupboard down- stairs into a box room for me I think he thought Id find it cute but I didnt. I was scared because there were spiders in there. All I could see when I was in bed was the light reflecting off the cobwebs and I kept imagining the spiders coming down onto my face while I was asleep. One night I got so freaked out by the spiders I ran upstairs to Mum and Dads room their door was wide open and I stood there, transfixed in horror as I saw Mum naked on top of Dad, moving up and down. Her back was to me as their bed was against the wall facing the door so she didnt see me standing there but Dad could see me. And he just lay there, looking at me. It was a strange look even worse than the spiders so I shot out of there and back downstairs. As a child, I didnt know what that look meant. But looking back, I know exactly what it was. It was a leer. Once Daniel was born Mum was in hospital a lot for chemotherapy and I had to grow up fast to help Dad look after the other kids and the house. My role in the family changed now I wasnt just a kid, I was more like a mother, bathing, feeding and dressing the younger ones. By this time wed moved again, to a house a mile away where I had a nice room upstairs, facing the bathroom. When Mum was back from hospital shed be drugged up on painkillers, sleeping. And she lost all her hair. Dad moved his bed downstairs because he said it wasnt nice sleeping next to Mum any more and even told me that she wet the bed. In the evenings, wed sit watching the space show V or The A-Team and Dad always wanted me to sit next to him for a cuddle. Id clamber up onto his lap and snuggle into his arms

while he wrapped a big arm round my shoulders and sometimes stroked my long brown hair. He was my dad, and I loved him. And it was nice. But all that was about to change. One night I was upstairs in my bedroom watching my bedside telly when Dad walked in. I thought he was going to tell me to turn off the TV as it was quite late but instead he sat on the side of the bed and in a strange, hard voice Id not heard before he ordered, Pull up your nightie. I was startled and bewildered what was going on? I didnt understand what was happening but he was my dad, so I did as I was told. He stared at me for a while as fear grew in my belly. This didnt feel right. Then he unbuttoned his trousers and climbed on top of me. The next thing I felt was an unbelievable shooting pain as he put himself inside me. Oh my God! I thought I was going to split into two. It was like hed shoved a red-hot poker inside me and the knife-like agony just seemed to go on and on. Then I started to cry. What was happening? When would it end? Dont scream, he whispered angrily. Dont say nothing or youll wake your mum up and shell go mad at you. I just lay there in shock, hardly breathing from the pain and the weight of his huge body on top of me. I tried to focus on the raised, circular patterns of Artex on the walls. Finally, after what felt like forever, he got off me. Pull your nightie back down, he barked. And I did. Then he pulled up his pants, sat on the edge of the bed again and spoke to me very slowly and quietly, making sure I could hear every word. If you tell anybody Ill kill you. And anyway, your mum wouldnt believe you and she wouldnt want to know you. And everyone will blame you because its

all your fault. Then he calmly walked out. I slowly pulled myself up from the bed, still in agony, and limped to the bathroom, sobbing. I must have spent an hour in there, trying to clean myself. I felt so dirty, but no matter how much soap I used I couldnt get clean. I felt sick, sore and confused. I was nine I had no idea what had just happened, or why. I must have done something wrong, like Dad had said, it must have been my fault. I remember not sleeping much that night. I just lay awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering what Id done wrong to make Dad do that horrible thing to me. I had tried to be a good girl but maybe Id done something bad without realising. I did finally fall asleep though. For when I woke up the next morning and got out of bed I was surprised and confused when Dad greeted me on the landing with a big smile and the offer of a piece of toast. No thanks, I said hurriedly then scampered downstairs. What was going on? He was totally normal with me, but I was still sore from the night before, and looking at him made me feel dirty and upset. For the next few days, I could barely look at him every time I saw him, it brought back the memory of what hed done and I felt sick. I suppose that first time Id hoped it would just be the once sadly it was only the beginning of a new phase in my life. A new, horrendous reality I just had to get used to. Dad would come into my bedroom around three or four times a week always when Mum was asleep and rape me. I became petrified of going to bed and once there, I barely slept. Every footstep I heard I thought was his.

Sometimes he came in when I was already asleep then hed wake me up, sit on my bed and tell me what to do. Over time, he started wanting different things he wanted me to touch him or play with him. Afterwards hed get on top of me and have sex with me. Id just stare at the patterns on the wall. That and imagining I was somewhere far, far away were the only things that would block out the pain. If I was concentrating on something else, it was like it wasnt happening to me. When hed finished hed always say the same thing: if I told anybody hed kill me, everybody would hate me and they wouldnt believe me anyway. Besides, it was my fault. The look in his eye made me believe his every word. My nights became a living hell while my days werent much better. Mum still picked on me and Dad acted like nothing was wrong the rest of the time he still wanted me to sit next to him at night, but now I couldnt go near him. I was scared of him, scared of what hed do to me. Whenever he was near, I felt sick with worry what was going to happen next? What was he going to do? My only relief was in the bathroom where Id wash myself down for hours Id fill up the sink with soap and water and clean myself all over as well as down below. I couldnt stop but no matter how much I washed and wiped myself, I could still smell him on me. I just couldnt seem to wash the scent of him away. At school, I became a totally different person. Before, Id been a very bubbly, lively little girl, run- ning around the playground playing Kiss Chase, chatting to everybody, dancing and singing. But after Dad started coming into my room at night I didnt want to talk to the other children and I didnt feel like playing silly playground games either instead Id take myself off to the top of the field at the end of the school grounds during break times and sit there on my own.

Do other dads do this? I wondered as the other kids ran around, laughing. How could they laugh if this happened to them? It must just be me theres something bad about me. Soon, the other kids picked up on how Id stopped speaking to everyone and thats when the bullying started. They thought I was strange. Nicola, a girl who Id once been friends with, started it. She called me smelly and fatty and when I didnt answer back, the other kids picked it up and yelled it at me whenever I was in the playground on my own. Whenever I walked past in the corridor theyd spit on the floor and called me disgusting. Then, when the teachers back was turned theyd use their rulers to flick paper and rubbers at me. I felt like I deserved it after all, I was disgusting. I used to sit and daydream. Id imagine living in a perfect house with perfect parents and being really happy. They would treat me so well and Id play all the time and nobody would shout at me or do horrible things to me in the night. Id imagine that somewhere out there my real parents, the nice ones, were looking for me and one day theyd come and take me away and wed all live happily ever after. For a short while I could dream of a better life. And then Id be brought back to reality with a bang or a slap or a visit to my bedroom. It was hopeless I wasnt even old enough to go to senior school but I already hated my life. I didnt want it any more. I didnt want to live. I stopped thinking of Charlie as my dad it didnt seem right that my dad would do this to me so in my mind he became Charlie again, although I continued to call him Dad to his face. I wanted to tell Mum what was happening, but I was terrified that shed blame me.

After all, she never stopped reminding me how much she hated me and how I was a big mistake so why would she be there for me now? For some reason, the rest of the family had stopped coming to see us and we didnt go round to Auntie Tanyas or my nana and granddads house any more. The only person who I had loved and trusted in the world was Charlie and he was the very person who was turning my life into a nightmare. I was trapped. By now the abuse was constant and it wasnt confined to the bedroom. One time I was in the bath and Charlie came into the bathroom. Let me wash your hair, he said gruffly. So I sat there, soaking wet as he lathered up my hair then washed off the soap. Right, get out of the bath, he ordered. I dreaded what was about to come next. Charlie closed the bathroom door, pulled his pants down then sat on the toilet. Then he put me on top of him and had sex with me. After he was finished he just picked me up and put me back in the bath. Then he walked out like nothing had happened. Sick to my stomach, I sat in that bath scrubbing and scrubbing until my skin was red and stinging. It felt so wrong but I didnt know how to stop it. Around that time, I made a friend. Her name was Emma and she lived across the road from me. We also went to the same school, but because of the bullies who thought I was deeply uncool Emma didnt feel comfortable speaking to me there. So it was only went we went to Brownies once a week that Emma and I would play together. That was fun at Brownies I could forget about home, forget about Charlie and just be

a kid again. Charlie didnt like it of course hed now become very controlling of me and didnt like it if I was out of his sight for long. I wanted to play out in the street with Emma but Charlie would never let me. I was allowed to play in the garden, as long as I was with my brother and sister, but he wouldnt let me out to play at Emmas house. Still, Brownies was nice they held it in the church hall at the bottom of our road and wed play games, learn songs and once we even put on a play. It was Sleeping Beauty and I was the Queen, except I forgot my lines on the day! I was amazed I had made a mistake and yet there werent any consequences. I had forgotten my lines and nobody told me off or hit me. I could laugh when I was at Brownies. I was free and happy there. But as the time approached for us to go home, Id shrink back into myself. I knew what I had to go home to and I didnt like it. Back home, Mum was still recovering from her treatment for cancer. When she wasnt drugged up on strong painkillers, shed be shouting at me or having a go at Charlie. Mum wasnt well enough to do anything round the house so I was still working hard to make sure everything was okay. Id help get the kids out of bed and ready for school, help Charlie clean up the house, wash the pots, clean the kitchen, tidy the bedrooms, vacuum the floors, put the rubbish out. And all before school. It meant I was always late usually about an hour after the bell had rung. This didnt matter to Charlie, though, in fact he preferred it when I was in the house where he could keep an eye on me. He also took me out of school a lot, making up fake doctors appointments as an excuse to pick me up early. Then hed take me to the pub with him where I played in the kids area outside while he drank. He made sure I was always with him

maybe he worried that I would tell somebody or perhaps he just wanted complete control over me, I dont know. It was probably a little of both. My new school knew that my mum was ill and that I was helping out at home, so they under- stood...at first. But then they started to notice that Id changed I had stopped speaking to people and was no longer the chatty, lively girl they had known. They raised their concerns with Charlie but of course he just told them I was upset because of my mum! He had a way with people he could tell them the sky was green and theyd believe him. At parents evenings, they would sometimes invite the children to go along, but it was only Charlie who went with me, and whenever I was asked a question, hed answer for me. The teachers did try but by now Id learned that whenever I stepped out of line, I would be made to pay for it at home. So I kept quiet. So what do you like to do in your spare time, Tina? theyd ask gently. Oh, she likes lots of things, Charlie would jump in. Reading, swimming, going out with her mates. Mates? What mates? It was a joke! My only friend was Emma, and I could only play with her at Brownies. Aside from her, I didnt have any friends and I never went out, not even on the street. And everybody knew this. Even the school knew because I didnt ever sit with a group of people or walk around with anyone. I was always on my own. But I wouldnt contradict Charlie in front of my teachers. He had total power over my life. One time, Charlie got caught. He had cornered me in the living room when he thought everyone was out and he started having sex with me on the settee. I desperately tried to empty my mind, but then I heard a huge crash and I looked up to see that a cup of tea had been smashed

against the wall. Then I heard footsteps leaving the house and a door slamming. Someone had seen! Who was it? Maybe now it would all be over!

Charlie quickly got up and told me to get dressed, then I was sent up to my room. I honestly thought on that day it would all be over. Now somebody knew! It wasnt a secret any more and it wasnt my fault theyd found out. Day after day I sat on the armchair by the window, scanning up and down the road, waiting for someone to come and take me away from that house, waiting for someone to rescue me. But no one ever came and the abuse just went on. When I finally accepted that no one was coming, all hope faded from me I didnt think my life was ever going to change. Later that year Charlie announced to us kids that we were all going on holiday to Blackpool. Its going to be fun, he beamed. Were going to stay in a caravan and visit the arcades on the pier and enjoy ourselves. Your mum deserves a holiday after all shes been through. But I just couldnt get excited even though Id never been on holiday before, and Blackpool would have been the furthest Id ever ventured from home. The problem was that Charlie would be there and being anywhere with Charlie was a nightmare. The next day we sped down the motorway in Charlies black Ford. Charlie drove, Mum was in the passenger seat holding Daniel while me, Lisa and Paul were crammed in the back the other two were messing about but I just stared blankly out of the window.

At the campsite, the manager led us to an old, long caravan carpeted with an old, seventies style brown flowery design. There were two bedrooms at one end with bunk beds and in the middle of the living room there was a dining table that converted into a bed. Against the wall in the living room was a large red settee covered by orange cushions. Charlie organised the sleeping arrangements. Lisa and Paul can have the bedrooms, he told my mum. Tina can sleep on the couch and well have the dining table bed. While Mum and Charlie unloaded the car, Lisa and I went off exploring we found loads of hay bales covered in black bin liners and we clambered up and down on them until Mum called us in for tea. Shed made fish fingers and chips and we wolfed them down as Lisa babbled excitedly about the hay bales. Later that night, Charlie woke me up by getting into my bed. Mum was fast asleep, not two feet away in the bed next to us. He got on top of me, put his hand over my mouth then started having sex with me. You could feel the caravan moving while he was doing it but nobody woke up. I had tears coming down the side of my face but Charlies hand stopped me making a sound while he held himself up with his other arm. After about half an hour he took his hand away from my mouth, threw the cover back over me and sat on the edge of the bed that he shared with my mum. The crying now broke out of me in big gasping sobs and it woke Mum up. She opened her eyes and looked me over coldly. Why are you crying? she said. And before I could reply Charlie said, Oh, shes had a bad dream. Mum sighed, turned over and went back to sleep. Charlie climbed back into bed next to my mum, looked at

me sternly then went to sleep. I lay there all night crying. The next night the same thing happened and on day three, Charlie took me out. He left Mum in the caravan with the other kids and he took me onto the front in Blackpool where he bought me clothes, shoes and toffees. It was his way of buying my silence. But he didnt have to. The threats were enough to stop me from spilling the beans. By now I was terrified of him. Id heard it often enough and I believed every word. If I told anyone, hed kill me. If I told anyone, hed kill me. Besides, I no longer wanted anything from him. Before the abuse started, I loved the fact that Charlie treated me to clothes and sweets I thought it showed he loved me as a father loves a daughter. But now it just made me feel sick. When we first went to live with Charlie, I became a happy little girl, but now I was in a worse state than I ever had been; I was an introverted creature, full of fear. Sleep became a blessing: I could close my eyes and dream and forget everything. For that short amount of time I was in my own little world. Then Id wake up and for a tiny second it felt like everything was great. But then Id realise that I was back in my own bed, back in hell, and I knew I had to get through the whole day just to be able to get to bed at night and go to sleep and forget about it all again. One day I asked Lisa if she wanted to run away with me. All right, she said, thinking it would be a great adventure. So we packed a bag with some clothes, her favourite teddy, and a pack of muffins from the kitchen cupboard and crept out of the house. We got as far as the end of the street before I realised we had nowhere to go. Where could we run to? We didnt even have any money to get on a bus. I nearly cried with frustration. But I didnt want to upset Lisa so I opened our case and we ate a muffin each before walking back home. No one even noticed wed been gone.

At times, I even looked forward to going to school, just to be out of the house and away from Charlie and my mum. Even so, I hated it when I was there. Id creep along the corridors during break times, hoping nobody would see me to shout abuse at me. By now Id taken to comfort eating as a way of filling the void of loneliness and misery inside. I loved biscuits and chocolates and sweets and, inevitably, I put on weight. The other kids called me fatty and constantly teased me for being big. But I found a way to make friends, if only for a short while. I started stealing. At first it was only one or two pounds here and there Id take the money out of Charlies trousers when they were on the floor and go to the shops where Id buy chocolates and sweets. Then Id give them away to other kids at break times. Its sad but for those few minutes I felt popular and happy. I wasnt the miserable, fat girl who sat on her own any more I was the kid with the free sweets. They were using me, its true, but I was using them too. And besides, it wasnt my money so I didnt care. Quickly, I realised the more sweets I could give away, the more other children would like me. So I started taking more and more money from the house a fiver here, a tenner there. On the way to school Id stop off at the sweetshop and load up on boxes of liquorice, strawberry bonbons, Kit Kats, penny toffees and white chewing gum balls. One Sunday morning, while the whole family was still asleep, I climbed onto a chair in the living room so that I could reach the top cupboard where Mum and Charlie hid the money jar. I carefully removed a ten-pound note, then I put it in my bag and quietly, so as not to wake anyone, left the house. My plan was to buy a load of sweets from the shop so I could take them into school the next day. At the shop, I saw a girl from school. Nia was also an outcast like me she was bullied be- cause she wore glasses so we had a fun morning that day walking round the shop, choosing how to spend my parents ten pounds. I picked out two big bars of Dairy Milk and a few other sweets, then I

went home, eager to hide my loot in my bedroom cupboard where no one would find them. But when I got in, Charlie was already in the living room. Where have you been? he snarled. I just went to the shop. Well, where did you get the money from? I had some left over from the week you gave it me for school. Youre lying! he yelled. I know the moneys gone cos its not in the pot. That was it my heart dropped into my stomach and I bolted out of the room. Hed caught me out in a lie and I was scared to death. I ran up the stairs and threw myself down on the bed. Charlie had leapt off the settee and was quick on my heels. The door flew open and I shook with fear. Im sorry, Im sorry, I cried, the tears pouring down my cheeks. I wont do it again. Too bloody right you wont! he roared then he got hold of me, wheeled me round and whacked me on the back. Hard. It was a real punch and it knocked the breath out of me. Then he bent me over his knee and started smacking my bum over and over again I thought it was never going to stop. Finally, when hed had enough, he threw me back down on the bed. I was so sore I could barely move. You do that again and Ill kill you. It stopped me for about three weeks. And then I did it again, but this time I took twenty pounds. I was rebelling. Id got to the point where I didnt care what happened to me. As far as I was concerned, life couldnt get any worse. Charlie was abusing me, my mum hated me what more could they do to make my life miserable?

So I took a twenty-pound note the only problem was I didnt get a chance to go the shop and spend it because Charlie found it underneath my pillow in my bedroom. I nabbed the cash at about 6 p.m. on Thursday as I planned to take it into school the next day and spend it on sweets but I didnt have time. I went to bed about nine and put it under my pillow. I thought nobody would notice it there. But then Charlie came into the bedroom. Turn off the TV, he said. Its your bedtime and you have to go to sleep. Your mums in bed asleep. And the moment he said that, I knew what he was there for. Take off your pyjamas bottoms, he ordered, quietly but menacingly. And pull up your top. Charlie wanted to touch me and make me feel him too so he fumbled around with my chest before putting himself inside me. But as I turned my head to the side so I wouldnt have to look at him, the pillow slipped and there it was, staring at him the twenty-pound note. He didnt say anything he just carried on. Afterwards, he got up, took the money and said, Get up. Now. I went to stand and as I did so I felt an almighty thwack across the face. Youre going to regret that, he said, as I held my burning cheek. The next morning Charlie didnt speak to me he didnt say one word. Just gave me this horrible, nasty look. I went to school as usual, but couldnt concentrate on my lessons I spent the whole day in a state of fear and terror. What was he going to do now? When I came home from school Charlie put me in the car and we drove to the police station. A police officer took me

and Charlie into a room and sat me at a chair and table. Then the officer towered over me, not speaking for a bit. Just looking at me. Finally he spoke. Its a crime to steal, did you know that, Tina? I nodded my head, terrified. Its a crime, he continued, whether its a little bit of money or something from a shop, its still a crime. People get put away in prison for taking things that dont belong to them. Youre not too young to go to prison for stealing. I was scared to death I thought he was going to lock me up in the cells. And yes, it did stop me taking money from Charlie and my mum from that point. Of course, nobody told me that it was a crime to rape your stepdaughter. Nobody took Charlie down to a police station to threaten him with being locked up in a cell. I knew stealing was wrong. But in my heart I also knew that what Charlie was doing was wrong. Where was my police officer? Why couldnt they stop him?