His Needs, Her Needs in Marriage
His Needs, Her Needs in Marriage
His Needs, Her Needs in Marriage
Building an
Affair-Proof
Marriage!
His Needs Her Needs
Book Premise:
A failure to care about each other’s
needs causes constant frustration
in marriage
His Needs Her Needs
Book Premise:
A failure to care about each other’s
needs causes constant frustration
in marriage
Often times, we fail to care because
we simply don’t understand each
other’s needs!
His Needs Her Needs
Book Premise:
A failure to care about each other’s
needs causes constant frustration
in marriage
Harley invites you to become a
student of each other’s needs so you
can meet them and affair proof
your marriage
His Needs Her Needs
An Affair:
Occurs anytime you look to one of
the opposite sex to meet your
marital love bank needs in place of
your spouse
His Needs Her Needs
Affection
• The cement of a relationship
• Bonds couple together as one
• Genesis 2:24 – “cleave”
His Needs Her Needs
Affection
• Conveys a man’s marriage bond to his
wife:
• “I’ll take care of you and protect you.
You are important to me and I don’t
want anything to happen to you”
His Needs Her Needs
Affection
• “I’m concerned about the problems you
face, and I am with you”
• “I think you do a good job, and I’m proud
of you!”
His Needs Her Needs
Affection
Most men need to learn this
skill, for without it, their
marriage will likely fail!
His Needs Her Needs
Showing Affection
• Cards and notes
• Gifts and flowers
• Dinner dates
• Opening doors
• Holding hands
• Giving hugs
His Needs Her Needs
Showing Affection
• Cards and notes
• Gifts and flowers
• Dinner dates
• Opening doors
• Holding hands
• Giving hugs When in doubt, ask her what
she likes!
His Needs Her Needs
Affection WARNING!
• For her, affection is an honoring of the
marriage
• For him, affection is often wrongly
interpreted as a prelude
to sex
His Needs Her Needs
Sexual Fulfillment
• In commitment to marriage, he trusts
and commits to her all his needs
• He’ll feel cheated if this need
is not met
His Needs Her Needs
Sexual Fulfillment
• Clearly, he and she have different
views on sexual fulfillment
• Without understanding each other,
you’re marriage is for a rocky
ride
His Needs Her Needs
Sexual Fulfillment
• He becomes frustrated when there
is not enough sex
• Problem: She is not ready for sex
because he’s not meeting
her needs
His Needs Her Needs
Sexual Fulfillment
• He views sexuality in the same way she
views affection
• Without both needs met, you’ll not be
satisfied
His Needs Her Needs
Ephesians 2:22-23
His Needs Her Needs
Conversation
• Her: “We never talk anymore”
• Him: “What do you want to talk about?”
• Her: “If you don’t know, then you don’t
care about me!”
His Needs Her Needs
Conversation
• Must focus on the events of her day,
people she encountered, and how she is
feeling
His Needs Her Needs
Conversation
• She feels most bonded to whoever will
give her affection and conversation on a
daily basis
• Talking is a major love tank filler!
His Needs Her Needs
Conversation
• Communication takes time
• How long?
His Needs Her Needs
Conversation
• Guys…Setting aside adequate time to
talk with your wife is a must!
• Date her, eat with her, call her, listen,
linger in the kitchen
His Needs Her Needs
Conversation Enemies!
• Making demands vice asking
• Using conversation to belittle or punish
• Forcing an agreement to your way of thinking
• Dwelling on past mistakes
• Failure to listen
His Needs Her Needs
Conversation Friends!
• Work to becoming interested in each
other’s favorite topics
• Balance the conversation between each
other
• Understand, inform, investigate
• Give undivided attention
His Needs Her Needs
Conversation Tips
• Remember how it was when you dated
• Care deeply for her and prove it daily
• Don’t be fooled into believing she values
your work ethic more than your mouth
• 15 hours per week is a starting point
• Don’t dominate the conversation
His Needs Her Needs
Recreational Companionship
• A wife should not abandon her husband
to find fulfillment in recreation
activities without her
His Needs Her Needs
Recreational Companionship
• Often times, men are fooled into
believing his wife enjoys his activities
• When dating, she often tried to impress
him by being with him
His Needs Her Needs
Recreational Companionship
• He equates recreation with friendship
• Guys show the equivalent of affection by
hanging out together
• Talking is optional when hanging out!
• Ladies, if you want his attention and his
affection, recreate!
His Needs Her Needs
Recreational Companionship
• Bottom-line: Work to find common
recreational activities so he is fulfilled
by her presence
His Needs Her Needs
Recreation Tips
• Make a list of things you both might
enjoy now or wish to try
• Make concrete plans to do these
activities – ladies, date your husbands!
• Understand that tastes change over
time, so you may need to be flexible
His Needs Her Needs
Recreation Tips
• Warning: Don’t let any recreation activity
rob your marriage of meeting other needs;
golf widows, time with opposite sex, etc.
• Free your husband to enjoy some activities
by himself or with the kids
His Needs Her Needs
An Attractive Spouse
• Men want to feel proud of the woman
they married
• It is a reflection on their ability to make
good choices!
His Needs Her Needs
An Attractive Spouse
• “When she looks good, he feels good”
• When she doesn’t give this area of her
life her best shot, he feels she doesn’t
care about his needs
His Needs Her Needs
An Attractive Spouse
• He will feel cheated when you don’t try,
but he’ll feel like a king and want to
show you off when you make any effort
to be attractive to him!
His Needs Her Needs
Financial Support
• Very important to her need for security
• Often times, a woman resents having to
meet this need if she doesn’t feel her
husband is doing his best
His Needs Her Needs
Financial Support
• A budget to which you both agree is a
household must
• Before the deployment, agree to a
spending plan
His Needs Her Needs
Deployment Dangers
• Leaving her with an unreliable car
• Not communicating about impulse
purchases
• Delayed credit card bills
• Where did it all go?
• He cuts her off
His Needs Her Needs
Household Support
• Men often fantasize about a home that
is free of stress and worry
• Frustrations occur for both he and she
when realities set in
• Sometimes, the problem may be as much
his effort as her abilities
His Needs Her Needs
Family Commitment
• Will be very hard during the deployment
• She has a need for her husband to
having a key role in “training up the
children”
His Needs Her Needs
Family Commitment
• When he abdicates his role, she will
work doubly hard to try to change him
• Almost always to pushes him away
His Needs Her Needs
Family Commitment
• Since the key component to good
parenting is time, it is easy to see where
the conflict occurs!
His Needs Her Needs
Family Commitment
• Sometimes, both parents need
training or mentoring to develop
parenting skills
His Needs Her Needs
Admiration
• Honest admiration is a key
motivator for most men
• Inspires and drives him to do more
• But: He can read between the lines.
Admiration to manipulate him doesn’t
work in the long run
His Needs Her Needs
Admiration
• Motivates and rewards his effort
• Helps men believe in themselves and
strengthens fragile self-images
His Needs Her Needs
Admiration Tips
• Work at telling him how you admire him
• Look for things he does and tell him
when they fill your love bank
• Praise your husband most in the areas
where you most need his support
His Needs Her Needs
Admiration Tips
• Tell him you are pleased to be with him
• Honor him – by listening, acts of service,
smiling when he comes in the room, etc.
• Never cut him down in front of others
His Needs Her Needs
Admiration Practice
• “Honey, one of the things I like most
about you is ……”
• “Big Guy, I feel so special when you ……
without my asking.”
His Needs Her Needs