04 - [Byun Baekhyun] If You Watch Me Die

There seems to be a light fluttering before me. Warm and peaceful. - - Dont wake up, even if you did, there wouldnt be day light. I opened my eyes slowly, feeling surprised that I was still alive. It almost felt like as if I should thank Park Chanyeol for not torturing me to death. Yesterday was probably the hardest to bear with of all nights ever since he started with the tortures. My stomach had been hurting since the interview recording; it was already over the top by afternoon. I thought that I would have died halfway on my way back to the dorm. And because of my darned gastric pains, when Park Chanyeol lifted me off the bed to pin me against the wall and then threw me onto the bed again to torture me, I could not fight back. Just, let me off for oncejust today. Just today. I remembered myself pleading him like that. But whats the use? He likes to see me in pain, my pleading just acted as a booster for him to torture me. I only remembered the attacks of pain, mixed with Park Chanyeols words of cursing. Then it was like my memory had faded away, with no more conscious. And I woke up to the empty bedroom. I unlocked my phone to check the time. It was already close to noon, I had slept for such a long time. I slowly supported my body to stand up. The only few steps that I took to carry myself out of the room were enough to kill. Luhan Hyung who was outside of the door gave me a shock. Whoa, why does your face look even paler? Really? Hehe. Stop Hehe-ing. Come and eat something, I just ordered some food. He said as he arranged the food boxes. I looked at the bowls of delicious beef noodles, but felt no appetite at all.

I frowned and shook my head, I dont feel like eating. Luhan made a face, You havent eaten anything since yesterdays lunch! Plus your stomach was feeling unwell. How could you not feel like eat anything? I really did not feel like eating, I dont know why but it felt as if I would throw up anything that I ate. What aboutChanyeol. I changed the topic. He already went to the company. Well go join their practice later. I nodded, maybe he was so fed up in the dorm that hed rather be in the company. The company was where he and she first met. Probably every single grass and tree there had witnessed their love. But in the dorm? He had to face Byun Baekhyun, the bastard, every day when he enters the room. Of course he would not want to see me. But. But I. I want to see you so bad, as if I was possessed. You were right; I was exactly like a motherfucker. When Luhan Hyung, Kyungsoo, Sehun and I walked into the practise room, there was only the dance instructor. Chanyeol isnt here? Luhan Hyung asked. No, the dance instructor frowned, arent all of you here? He might have gone to the toilet. Kyungsoo tried to cover up. Luhan gave Sehun a glance and the younger boy immediately took out his phone to dial Park Chanyeols number. Chanyeol Hyung, where are you? ..alright, come over fastok. After hanging up, Sehun mouthed coming to Luhan. - - I watched the twos perfect cooperation and couldnt help but to feel a sense of envy. Without me, the group wouldve had perfect cooperation.

Lets not wait and get started. The dance instructor clapped his hands to get them to gather in front of him at the mirror. Tonight was one of the year-end major music programmes. As one of the special guests, we had to put up a special stage. As we had to learn the choreography in two days, there was insufficient time. And in a while, we would have to get ready to put on the costumes, so this was our last-minute practise. However, I felt weak just after one round of the dance routine. I took deep breathes as I wiped the sweat off my forehead, looking frustrated at my weak self through the mirror. That was just when Park Chanyeol entered the room. Where were you? The dance instructor asked him. .the washroom. Park Chanyeol said expressionlessly and joined us to stand at his position. Since everyone is here, lets do it once again with the solo parts. Of course, it was more than just once. I gradually feeling weaker, but the dance instructors voice would not stop. Byun Baekhyun, take note of the rhythm. Byun Baekhyun, dance with more force! Byun Baekhyun, are you doing it half-heartedly? Put in more effort! Byun Baekhyun! Im sorry. Its all my fault. Because of me, I messed up the well-choreographed routine. Under other circumstances, Park Chanyeol would have thrown in his harsh words as well, but today, he didnt, as he received quite a few reprimands from the dance instructor as well. I remember when we first debuted, Luhan Hyung and the others would make fun of us, and said that the two of us dancing blackholes were a match. Back then, Park Chanyeol would naturally sling his arms around my back and pretended to get mad at them Yah, how could you guys look down on the main vocal and the visual. Luhan would pull Kyungsoo over Strangely, the one who can dance well in our group is also the main vocal and visual.

Damn, Oh Sehun come here. No matter what you say, our Sehun is one of the lead dancers as well. Park Chanyeol immediately tried to pull people to his side. Ill give you that guy that pulls down our average IQ. Luhan was indifferent. Yah! Luhan Hyung! Sehun got mad. Kyungsoo and I would laugh till we were on the verge of tears. Time passes. People change. .That was us back then. But now, in this same practise room, facing this same mirror, the happy moments wont return. I watched the members in the mirror as I reminisced about the past. Just when the dance instructor wanted us to practice again, our manager Tae Shin Hyung, entered the room. Are you done with practising? We need to get ready. The dance instructor frowned and looked at us, then turned back to Tae Shin Hyung. Can we let three of them go first, and have two stay back to practise? Tae Shin Hyung froze for a second, Chanyeol and Baekhyun? Yeah. Alright, the other three follow me. Tae Shin Hyung waved at them. And before he left, he did not forget to nag at Chanyeol and I, The two of you better put in effort. When the other members left, the dance instructor turned the music on. Lets try the solo part again. Baekhyun. You start first. I nodded, and tried to be more energetic as I danced to the music. But I was not even halfway through before the dance instructor cut in. Byun Baekhyun! Please would you put in more effort! The performance is tonight! Im sorry Try that step again.

Ok. But I was interrupted again. Again. Again. I dont know how many times I repeated it, until I no longer had any strength left. Park Chanyeol who was resting against the wall seemed to have turned his head to look at me. - - I cant do anything right, and Im disliked by everyone. - - I hated myself that was like this. Again. This time, I wanted to use all of my strength to dance the routine perfectly, but my body felt like as if it was pinned down by invisible nails. I could not even lift my arms. Yah, Byun Baekhyun, are you ignoring my words? Sorry, but I cant even find the strength to say my words of apology. Byun Baekhyun! Sorry, I cant find the strength to move anymore. Sorry, it feels like I cant hear anything now. Sorry, my existence always pisses people off. Sorry When I collapsed, I saw Park Chanyeol standing there, watching me coldly. - - Chanyeol ah. I think Ive said this before, even if youd throw me a glance, I would feel happy. So, its fine even if I died like this. Isnt this what you wished for as well?