The REAL Exam Treat

THE CABBAGE
Volume III, Issue 10 May 17, 2001

Comments??? Email us at: [email protected] In this issue:

President Koelpin? Lucas Buffner Congrats to Graduates! 2

Thompson Proposes Mandatory 18-Year Waiting Period on Abortion

See how they turn out first, says HHS Secretary
first major move as Secretary of der my plan that time is not de(HHS), Tommy Thompson has laid the groundwork for the most ambitious abortion legislation in recent years. Already backed by many in Washington, the former Wisconsin governors plan calls for a mandatory eighteen-year waiting period on abortion. Abortion, the selfish killing of a human being as it grows in the mothers womb, was legalized in 1973 by the historical Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case. These killings can currently be committed without legal repercussion at any time during the pregnancy. Thompsons proposal would mandate an eighteen-year waiting period on abortion, during which time the mother can seek guidance and think deeply about her decision. His plan would actually prevent the abortion of fetuses, but allow for the killing of teenagers, just prior to their eighteenth birthdays. It just makes sense, said Secretary Thompson. The way it works now is that women terminate lives without knowing how theyre going to turn out. My plan allows mothers to see how they turn out. If theyre useless leeches of society, abort them. But if theyre not too bad, let em live. The mandatory waiting period would begin at conception, preventing the mother from aborting the pregnancy before its 216th month. Mothers would then have a nine-month period in which to terminate the overgrown fetus. This is due, in part, to existing laws giving eighteen-year-olds adult status. Explains Thompson, Right now mothers have nine and to better see the development of the fetus is increased by eighteen years. Id actually like to extend that time...you know, see if they graduate from college and find a real job, but apparently eighteen is also the age for voting and dying for ones country so I guess I cant. Although heavily favored in polls, Thompsons plan has its critics. Some argue that the proposal would leave fathers out of the decision. What about the fathers rights? I think that they, too, should have every right to choose to kill unplanned children, said Senator Barbara Boxer. Others, who support the current laws on abortion, believe that killing an eighteen-year-old child is no better than killing a living and growing fetus. Aborting a teenager is just as bad as killing a child still in his mothers womb. Conservatives want to arbitrarily draw a line separating when we can kill and when we cant kill, just for the sake of convenience. I believe in a womens right to choose to kill at any time, not only after eighteen years, said Democratic minority leader Dick Gephardt. Supporters of the proposal include mothers of potential abortees. (Thompsons) plan sure is a good one. Now I can wait to see how Timmy turns out, you know, see if he graduates or at least finally learns to tie his own shoes...if not, I just abort him and start clean, said Memphis resident Jackie Felps. Her neighbor, Tonya McAfee, also supports the HSS plan. Man, I wish I could have aborted my son right before he turned eighteen. Hes

2 WASHINGTON, D.C.In his months to abort their children. Un2 Health and Human Services creased, but the time to think about it

Things Overheard During Exam Week

1. I think I got all the false ones right. 2. Screw that...Im using a #3 pencil! 3. Do you want that in Greek or Hebrew? 4. Is this test important? 5. These exam treats make it all worthwhile. 6. Am I even in this class? 7. I write The Cabbage. 8. Move your armI cant see what you put. 9. JeezHow long does it take to correct a Scantron? 10. Ive never even seen these vocabs before, Joel.

HHS Sec. Tommy Thompson

thirty-two now and still lives at home watching Jerry Bruckheimer movies. Ive decided that I dont love him anymore, said McAfee. Many teenagers, possibly awaiting their fate, also support the mandatory eighteen-year waiting period on abortion. I feel pretty secure; I think my parents love me. But there are a lot of other kids I know that society could do without. I dont think Im one of them, though...well, I did break that window last summer playing baseball. Even if my mom chooses to abort me, Im sure its a quick and painless procedure. No sharp knives or strong saline solutions, I hope. Or stabbing my head with a forceps and sucking my brains out. That would hurt, but Im sure that doesnt happen, said sixteenyear-old Jason Morrow Thompsons plan, already sponsored by several pro-if-youre-goingto-kill-a-child,-you-might-as-wellsee-how-he-turns-out-first congressmen, may come to a vote as early as June.

Summer Driving Tips

The faster you drive, the less
time youre on the road. The less time youre on the road, the less chance of an accident. Remember to always use hand signals when turning. Never try driving to Europe. Gasoline only costs $2 a gallon if you pay for it. If Tony Stewart wants to pass you, just let him. No, your DeLorean is not a time machine. If youre going to drink and drive, use a straw. Joggers are worth more points than the elderly. Dont.

PAGE 2

THE CABBAGE

V OLU ME III, I SSUE 10

Arnold Koelpin to Pursue Full-time Political Career

NEW ULMTenured Professor Arnold Koelpin is retiring from his position at Martin Luther College at the end of this school year. The wellliked professor and part-time mayor is planning on entering the political arena full time. Koelpin has served as a professor at MLC for the past six years, before that serving at Dr. Martin Luther College for some amount of time. His professorial duties have kept him very busy, but for the last two years Koelpin has also found the time to serve New Ulm in the capacity of mayor; however, shouldering both of these duties has been wearing on the professor. Koelpin has been forced to decide between the two careers. Surprisingly, he chose the grueling, fast-paced world of Minnesota politics. I wasnt really sure about what I should do, but Ive been a bit frustrated at the civic situation here in our fair town. The college will likely get by with only one Koelpin...but the city really needs me, said Koelpin. The mayor is most frustrated by the current corruption permeating New Ulms leadership. He vows to put an end to New Ulms monopolies, organized crime, and the rampant unethical practice of bribery. There are a lot of problems in the civil realm of our fair town. Few people are aware of it, but New Ulm is the site of vast underground drug trafficking, money laundering, and the smuggling of illegal aliens. City officials have been paid to look the other way, but thats going to change. Also, monopolies such as Target, Cashwise, and Schells have been unfairly destroying competitors such as Kmart, HyVee, and Joes Microbrews, slowly forcing them out of business for several years now. Theres a lot that needs to be done to alleviate the situation, said a determined Koelpin. Koelpin plans to initiate a special FBI/CIA/ATF/ INS SWAT team led by MLC VP Jeff Schone to deal with the narcotics, internal corruption, and illegal alien problems. Any anti-trust action will be carried out by Arnolds son, Paul The Hammer Koelpin. Were gonna clean up this town and make it livable again! said a zealous Paul Koelpin, pounding the nearest podium with his fist. When asked if he would ever consider running for higher office, such as governor or even president, the sly Koelpin gave a typical political response. Im just going to focus on this little German town for now. Im sure debating with Jesse (Ventura) or Dubya would be an epic intellectual battle, but Ill worry about the future when it gets here. For now Im leaving my options open.

Congratulations to Graduating Cabbage Staff Members...

As the school year draws to a close and summer approaches, we at The Cabbage would like to take a little time and space to congratulate the staff of our esteemed publication who are graduating this year. Without these highly motivated men and women, The Cabbage could not be the hard-hitting, prizewinning, journalistic endeavor that it is. Wed first like to acknowledge our field reporters, Ben Rank, Stephanie Schramm, Naomi Grebe, Steve Naumann, and Jared Bonow. They are the ones hitting the slippery pavement day in and day out to uncover the tough stories. Then there are our editors, the ones who make sure we always have a tight, clean, publication. Thanks to Mike Homan, Nate Kassulke, Gretel Hahnke, Crystal Gentz, and Kevin Hahm. Youre the greatest! The sports department is also losing several great writers. Gregg Mattek, Heidi Fischer, Becky Hermanson, Lynn Bigelow, Brian Schwanz, Collin Vanderhoof, and Jayson Diersen all deserve applause for a swell job. Were also losing some great layout people. Without these staunch defenders of aesthetics and format, our prodigious writers would probably get carried away. Thanks to Erin Zastrow, Sandy Martens, Jill Uhlenbrauck, and Dan Nolte. The Cabbage will also miss the dependable photography work of Kristi Brown, Jim Hoogervorst, Nicole Kroening, Micah Martin, Nate Smith, Gena Schwartz, and Sarah Filiere. Special thanks to prize-winning Middle East correspondent Tim Learman. Well miss you Tim-dog! Deserving special thanks are the spotters, diversion-setters, and runners that keep the mystery of The Cabbage alive. Congratulations to Nick Guillaume, Melissa Harris, Nate Wilke, Cindy Krause, Chris Tasma, and David Horton. Then there are the people who dont always get the recognition they deserve. Congratulations and thanks to: Boom Mic Operator: Hedy Daylo Horoscopes: Michelle Lamb Crossword Puzzles: Hannah Berg Choreographer: Jason Hacker Odd-jobs Man: Doug Carter Interior Decorator: Sam Degner Bodyguard: Heather Wilcox Costumes & Make-up: Cari Pieper Caddie: Dustin Yahnke Chauffeur: Michelle Lemke Token Tall Guy: Justin Foxen Latin Translator: Sara Parsons Editors Assistant: Wendy Fischer Historical Consultants: Justin Gut and Joel Vogel Without these men and women, there would be no Cabbage. Congratulations to all, and Lords blessings on your futures in the ministry.

Editorial: Whats up wi dat stuff in da Gym?

Yeah, so I was down liftin wi my buddies, and we was wonderin what dey were doin wi all dat stuff in da weightroomdeys like wooden walls all over and deys really hinderin my liftin experience and stuff, ya know? So my buddy Jeff says, Dude, deys probly just makin da room bigger or sumpin like dat. Maybe itll be awesome next year wi all da new equipment and stuff. Or maybe its just a fort. So den we decide to go up to da gym and toss around da old pigskin for a while, cuz our heads was hurtin so much from thinkin bout da possibilities of dem boards down dere. So we went up dere and what do we see? Deys a whole bunch of chairs set up and deys bleachers out, and deys no room to play any football, ya know? So we found Coach and we was all like, Hey, whats up wi dat stuff in da gym? And he was all, Dere settin up da all purpose room for da concert on Friday. Arent you goin? Deres gonna be songs about birds and worms and pussycats. And we was all, Dude, count us in, cuz even I got a soft side, and Jeff too, dough he dont like to admit it. So, ya know, even dough we was mad about all dat stuff bein set up on Monday already, sos we couldnt play football, or any udder sport for dat matter, I guess its okay, cuz dat concerts gonna be sumpin to see, ya know? And, ya know, I gotta pack to go home, and I gotta study for dese final things I been takinI really wanna do good, ya know, cuz my moms always so proud o me, and dis year I wanna give her a reason to, ya know? Okay, I gotta gomaybe Ill see ya all next year. See ya, dudes.

A Note From The Editor

We hope you have been somewhat edified by our publication this year. If all goes well, we will be back next year here on campus. Also, we are planning on putting together a summer mailing list. If you are interested, you must send us your summer email address. This service, like our normal publication, is free of charge and certain to inform and entertain at least sixteen people. If interested, please send us something right away so we can get started on the mailing list. Wed also love to hear what you thought of our inaugural year, so dont be shy! Cheeky Baraboo

Lucas Buffner