Worst issue ever

THE CABBAGE
Volume III, Issue 6 April 19, 2001

Comments? Email us at: [email protected] In this issue:

No Pictures Silent Killer Reading for Pleasure

End of MLCs Parody Newspaper?

Were plumb out of ideas, says Editor-in-Chief
NEW ULMA certain, unnamed, Yeah, its partly because theres one thinks. I guess they found out

2 subterranean newspaper announced only a few students, but its mostly the hard way.
on Tuesday that they have com- because they just dont do anything

2 pletely run out of material. This stupid. We cant find an angle on pressed deep disappointment at the 2 popular parodistic publication.
apparent sudden end to the newspaper. I was really wondering what theyd say about Pigroast or the new chapel, but now that will never happen. Thursdays just wont be the same without that paper, said sophomore Lisa Gold. The MLC faculty is echoing the same displeasure. Man, what a jip! I never even got my name in it. I wonder if they dont like me or something. Maybe I yelled at one of them during Greek class. Thats it! I bet one of them wasnt prepared because he was up all night writing that newspaper and then I yelled at him. Well, now Ill never know, said Professor John Schmidt. The seeming end of the newspaper parody comes just one week before the previously planned 19th Issue Spectacular.

Other students and faculty ex-

may mean an end to the mildly anything around here. Even the profs dont do anything zany that we Editor-in-Chief Cheeky Baraboo can point out. There arent even Happy Birthday to Me 3 made the announcement late Tues- school policies or administrative day night, to the dismay of dozens decisions that lend themselves to Which track is better, of fans. Yeah, were just plumb humor. Were tapped, said BaraPastor or Teacher??? out of ideas. Were tapped. Were boo. finished. Stick a fork in us; were Handfuls of readers of the parody 100% done. We might as well be the newspaper were saddened, but unVikings trying to win their first surprised by the announcement. 80% Super Bowlwere utterly de- Its a shame, but I saw it coming. I 60% feated and finished, said Baraboo. was all like, How long can this last? Baraboo and other editors are Theyre going to totally run out of 40% blaming a lack of workable mate- ideas. I guess I was right, said 20% rial at the rural Lutheran campus tenured student Joel Vogel. Amy for the apparent cessation of crea- Lewis, a freshmen, agrees, Those 0% Teacher Pastor tivity. Theres just not that much guys were funny. Losers, maybe, for us to make fun of here. I mean, but funny. But I knew theyd run (among SEM students) theres only a thousand students out of ideas sooner or later. Small, here, said editor Todd Rundgren. predominately white German, LuFilled Courses for Baraboo also pointed out the gen- theran campuses just arent the fonts 2001-2002 School Year eral unfunniness of the college. of humor and creativity that every1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. Advanced Zaner-Bloser Introduction to Grading History of WELS Budgeting How to Say No Hokey Pokey Seminar: What Its Really All About Whistling for the Tone Deaf Feng Shui for the Called Worker Timeless Fashion in the WELS Barefoot and Pregnant: A WELS Guide to Motherhood Just Throw out a Ball: A WELS Guide to Physical Education Winging It: A Guide to Teaching in Multi-Grade Classrooms Twenty-First Century America Astrology Astrology LAB Band Private Speaking
(Numbers 1-8 submitted by Elizabeth Borgwardt)

Student Dismayed at Own Unpopularity

Why doesnt anyone love me? asks loser
MLCUpon returning to Martin Luther College from his Easter vacation, freshman student Jerry Buckman was surprised and dismayed at his own unpopularity. The realization has been almost too much for the student to handle. I always knew I wasnt the coolest guy, said Buckman, but I had not realized the depths of my own unpopularity until I returned from Easter break last night. My message board, complete with five multi-colored, washable markers, was totally void except for the hopping Easter bunny I drew last week. I only received one telephone message on my answering machine as well; it was from my mom, calling to remind me to call her when I got to school to make sure I got here safe. I miss her already. Buckmans speculations concerning his apparent lack of coolness proved to be correct when further reports were gathered from professors and acquaintances. Said one of Buckmans professors, He is a very good studentvery smart and cooperative. He always volunteers answers. Hes just not too smooth with the ladies. Puellae puerum non amant, if you get my gist. Roommate Bobby Slater offered, Well, Jerrys a great guy and all, but hes just not very cool. He finally realized this the other day, and I think it hit him hard. He thought he was pretty cool, so none of us wanted to tell him the truth. Fellow inmates of Concord Hall report that Buckman seems to be taking the news pretty hard. I was in Denial for a few hours last night, said Buckman. From there I have progressed through Anger and Depression, and at the moment I am mired in Self-Pity. I figure I will have accepted my unpopularity by ten oclock tonight, just in time for bed. Until then, I will reread the one email I received over break. Its a forward from my grandma. Man, Im a loser.

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THE CABBAGE

VOLU ME III, I SSUE 6

Second-Grade Class Dubs Silent E The Silent Killer

NEWARK, NEW JERSEYMrs. Frankfurts second-grade class accused the silent e of phonetic murder on Tuesday. The class has had a long history of verbally violent altercations with the so-called silent killer of primary linguistic endeavor. Frankfurts class is generally quite proficient in other areas of the English language, but is being massacred by silent vowels, especially e. Said Mrs. Frankfurt, That e is just killing them. Theyre all pretty smart in other areas, but they just cant handle their silent vowels. I mean, you know theres a problem when your kids pronounce note as notey. The silent e has long been a phonetic nemesis for children of all ages. According to general English guidelines, the silent e serves as a signal that the preceding vowel is long. If this rule is not mastered in the primary grades, students may easily be linguistically wounded or killed throughout their entire lives. English experts have lately been raising awareness of this deadly killer. Teachers and parents alike must sit down with their children and explain the possible dangers and risks when dealing with silent vowels. Prevention is the key, said language acquisition expert Noam Chomsky. Despite such warnings, Frankfurts class has been suffering heavy losses to the silent killer. Many students are becoming increasingly frustrated and downright frightened. I just dont know what to do anymorey. Sincey the English Langyouagey is significantly composed of silent vowels, its becoming harder and harder for the class to develop both our written and oral communicatory skills. I tell you, thesey silent es are killing me, said second-grader Dave Waite. Classmate Missy Travis agrees, Im so frustrated with all thesey phonetic anomalies. Why cant anyone tell me why they arey therey if you arent supposed to pronouncey them? In order to protect the class from future attacks, Mrs. Frankfurt is developing a new approach to silent vowels. The kids call them silent killers. But Ive started to call them our muted friends who dictate the phonetic function of their preceding, verbalized, vowel partners. I think this will help change the students misunderstanding of the role the silent vowel plays in the English language; they arent there to hurt them, but are completely linguistically benevolent in nature, explained Frankfurt. Her class remains skeptical. I dont care what she calls them. Those silent %&$#@*% s are still quietly killing me, said one student. Other students have also grown wary of what they call Frankfurts pathetic attempts to euphemize a generally cruel and merciless academic system. Said one student, I remember her telling us that wed prefer cursive handwriting after a while...well, that hasnt happened yet, either. And If she cant teach us the silent e, how is she later going to show us how to master the various adverbial and adjectival endings of words? Plus, I think we can pretty much kiss long division good-bye.

Freshman Caught Reading Book Merely for Pleasure

NEW ULMSPaM sophomore Lavar Burton was caught by friends reading a book purely for pleasure on Sunday. The student body as a whole is appalled at Burtons gross abuse of free time. Student council members will meet Thursday night immediately following Survivor to discuss what steps should be taken to curb Burtons aberrant behavior. Burton had long been suspected of attempting to learn on his own, but these reports were regarded as pure conjecture and hearsay. Not until an in-depth investigation headed by Burtons roommate, Joe Ignant, did the rumors prove to be true. I knew it. That brown-nosin nerd thought he could pull a fast one on us all, but I showed him. He aint gonna be learnin on his own no more, said a blissful Ignant. Ignant first noticed Burtons suspicious behavior in mid-January. Lavar just kept goin off by hisself to the library, and he wasnt takin his vocs along, so I got worried for him, said Ignant. Intrigued by the anti-Knight behavior of actually going somewhere on campus by oneself, the concerned roommate proceeded to turn off his Playstation and investigate the situation. By the time Ignant arrived at the library, Burton was already deeply engrossed in his book and unaware of the impending embarrassment. The ensuing confrontation ended peacefully with Burton being escorted from library grounds by Ignant and friends. Cindy Matthews, an onlooker to the scene, was able to give The Cabbage this account of what transpired. This really disheveled looking guy came in and surprised Lavar and asked what he was doing. While scrambling to put the book away, Lavar said he was just getting some homework done. So the other guy asks for what class, and thats when Lavar froze. Thats when the really cool part happenedoh wait, I gotta go, Ally McBeal is almost on, said Matthews. The events at the library also interrupted others attempts at studying. Jill Jacobs was one of many roused from diligent plagiarizing by the ruckus. Cant you just be content to learn what the teachers tell us to know? Some people are just so selfish. I just couldnt concentrate on my cheating after that. I guess now Ill just have to go back to the dorms and get a paper off the internet, said Jacobs. As of yet the identity of Burtons unsanctioned book is uncertain. Scattered reports point to a book thats really long and has lots of words and no pictures. The only person to have actually laid eyes on the book besides Burton was Ignant. I think it was like Italian or somethin, or maybe it was something like Less Miserable. Maybe Lavars gettin depressed or somethin. Must be from too much books and not enough Madden 2000, said Ignant. Burton is currently under quarantine, only being allowed to peruse his textbooks or auxiliary materials. He will also be undergoing a systematic conditioning program involving endless hours of video games, fruitless web searches, mindnumbing Schells consumption, and attention deficit disorder television (also known as MTV). Hopefully this, along with support from concerned friends and family members, will alleviate Burtons intellectual ailment.

Mr. Trite
Conversation Starter of the Week
Clever ideas to break the ice and make that great first impression

Editorial: Man, I hope it floods so we can get out of school

by Ima Selfishman
Man, I was sittin home during Easter break and I saw the Minnesota River on the news. That got me to thinkin that if it would only flood a little more we could get off school. Cause I got this paper due and I only wish God would actually have pity on His people for once so I can sleep in and finish the paper next week. I mean, weve really got it rough here sometimes. Just the other day I slept in and missed Saturday brunch. So Id be totally psyched if that stupid river would flood and wed get out of school to sandbag. I wouldnt actually go down there. I mean, I might, if I got bored with my video games and all. Plus my grandma who lives down there would surely appreciate it, but I just saw her the other day on the news. I guess its safe to say that Id really sandbag it the entire time off. That reminds me, I need some more toothpaste. If youve read this far into the issue, congratulations...youre the one.

Man, I heard that Arbor Day is going to be on (Tuesday/Wednesday/ Thursday). I hope its (Tuesday/ Wednesday/Thursday).