Weimardriver By Tommy Smith It wasnt the biggest apartment in the world, but thanks to a womans touch, it didnt feel

cramped. The weight set, stripped down in anticipation of the couples money-saving move and packed neatly into the corner, all but rose to the level of high art with a frilly white curtain draped over it. Meshawn came in to admire her craftiness. For an impulse purchase off the clearance rack at Walmart, the quality of the curtain was superb, completely devoid of the typical problems that plague knockoffs, like laughably cheap material or cross-eyed stitching. The couples Weimaraner Tilly perked up out of her dead-dog pose at the sight of her mother. Meshawn, a giant of a petite woman, scooped up all 70 pounds of her oversized baby goat. Dainty limbs were spilling out every which way. From the bathroom, iPhone in hand, Arnold told Meshawn to hang on a minute. It was a perfect YouTube op. Meshawn asked Arnold how he could even see her. Arnold did an athletic backflip dive into the physics of mirrors. Or so he thought. Meshawn, invoking the TMI clause, caught him before he hit the water. Arnold called Meshawn in to inspect him. After straightening his tie, Meshawn pronounced Arnold passable. Arnold told Meshawn to tell him how she really felt and pointed out that she had dog hair all over her dress. Meshawn said that was what lint rollers were for. She had Arnold do the honors. When they left, Tilly tried to follow them out the door. She whimpered the saddest song in the world when it shut. Meshawn said Tillers! Poor thing. Arnold said poor thing, like hell. Tilly ate. He was starving. He asked Meshawn if she thought they had face huggers on the menu. Meshawn forced out a chuckle. In the elevator, Arnold pushed the button for the parking garage.

Meshawn pushed the button for the lobby. Arnold said hed already gotten the mail. Meshawn said she knew. Arnold asked if that jerkoff parked in their spot again. Meshawn said nope, and when the elevator doors opened, she got out. Arnold said it could rain. Meshawn kept walking. Arnold said it wasnt like he was fat ass anymore. Meshawn said lifting weights didnt make you thin. Arnold picked her up. Meshawn told the big lug to put her down. Arnold swung her around. Meshawn said he didnt scare her. Arnold said she put the fear of god in him. Dinner was life-changing. Arnold was all set to order the gourmet burger, but at the last second, wooed by the servers mouth-watering sales pitch, he decided on the speciallobster something or another. Meshawn got a bunch of small plates because it all looked so good. They went easy on the wine and passed on dessert because god knows what their bill was. Arnold gave Meshawn his puppiest puppy dog eyes. She had to know what was coming. Seeing how theyd skipped out on dessert, he was jonesing for a shake. A McDonalds shake. Vanilla. No, chocolate. Maybe. Or swirl. That would be a sensible compromise. Before Meshawn could shut her hubby down good and proper, a car pulled up. Arnold asked if it was theirs. Meshawn said who else had a beat-to-hell Range Rover with a dog cage in back? The window rolled down, and they took a few befuddled steps forward. The dome light came on. The driver didnt look the part of a car thief. A regal pose. An ivory satin pillbox hat. With a shimmery dress. Penetrating eyes. And perfectly groomedfur? Meshawn said Tilly? It couldnt be.

Arnold said stranger things had happened. Meshawn said Arnold! WTF? Their dog was driving their Range Rover. And wearing her clothes. Which somehow fit the dog better. Meshawn reached for the keys. Tilly growled. Arnold said it seemed their little weimy meant business. Meshawn said she was not being driven home by her dog. Wearing her clothes. Arnold said he kind of wanted to see this thing play out and got in back. Meshawn tapped on the window and mouthed, Not happening. But it was. The car peeled out, and Meshawn had to jump out of the way. Tilly drove the way she chased a tennis ball. With a head full of steam. And totally and completely out of control. Riding bumpers. Running red lights. Screaming around corners. Passing anyone and everyone. And then, just as Arnold was certain he was a dead man, they slowed to crawl. Tilly pulled into a parking lot. She stuck her head out the window and panted. So did Arnold. The hellacious ride had come to an end. All in the name of McDonalds. They rolled up to the drive-through. Tilly pulled up far enough so Arnold could order. He ended up going with chocolate. His shake spilled all over the pavement when the woman at the window did a double take and dropped it. She called him sir and explained to him that a dog was driving his car. Arnold told the woman either she was dreaming. Or he was. The woman said she was sorry about his shake and offered to upgrade him to a large. Arnold said he couldnt say no to that. After completing their transaction, the woman asked him how he got it to look so real?

Arnold asked her what the secret ingredient was that made McDonalds shakes so good. The woman said she didnt know. She just put it under the thing, pushed a button, and the stuff came out. Arnold said it looked like they were in the same boat. He told Tilly to get a move on. They had places to be. Tilly was all too happy to put the pedal to the metal. Arnold called up Meshawn once he realized they were headed back to the apartment. Meshawn said seven missed calls? Arnold said he was a little busy. Meshawn asked him if he managed to snag the keys from their little Miss Woof Woof. Arnold said about that. He was still being chauffeured against his will. Tilly had him kenneled in back. They were outside, circling the building, if she was home. Meshawn said if he thought. Arnold said he didnt. Not for a minute. But. Meshawn said but what? Arnold said he was just thinking. Meshawn said he just got done saying he wasnt thinking. Arnold said he knew. It was just. He took a sip. Meshawn said did he get a shake? Arnold said he had to go. Meshawn told him to wait. She was coming down. Tilly drove up onto the curb when she saw Meshawn carrying a big box of treats. Meshawn dumped the whole box out on the sidewalk and told Tilly to come and get it. A big goober from Tillys mouth stretched and broke. She licked her nose. Once. Twice. But in a moment of radical evolution, a calmness came over her, and her eyes shifted to the road ahead. Meshawn grabbed a pawful of treats and tapped at the window.

Tilly laid on the horn. Lights came on. Windows opened. People yelled. Meshawn told Tilly to stop. She didbut only after Meshawn got in. Tilly was a different kind of driver for Meshawn. She adopted a grandmotherly overabundance of caution around yellow lights and took smile-and-wave yielding to small-town extremes. The driving was quite safe, indeed. So safe Meshawn had to resort to barking at Tilly over phantom infractions. Driving with the windows open at night. Rolling through a stop sign-less intersection. Failing to swerve out of the way of a plastic bag that could have been full of nails. Arnold told Meshawn she should be a cop. Meshawn told him not to be dumb, she was only trying to keep them alive, and asked him where they were going, anyway. Arnold said his money was on the pet store. Meshawn said it was past 11. They were way closed. Arnold said like Tilly knew that. A series of back roads put the city behind them, and they prowled along until the tree lines of a quiet neighborhood flanked the car. Tilly parked in front of a house but kept the engine running. It wasnt so much of a house. A tweener of a two-story job that felt all squeezed in and rickety. Maybe it was the paint. The yard was big and fenced, but the grass was on the tall and weedy side. Arnold said hed been there before. Meshawn said good for him. Arnold sucked on his straw, and it made the sound of being at the bottom. Meshawn asked Arnold if she could have some of that. Arnold said sure thing, sweetie pie. Meshawn chucked it. Arnold said the joke was on her. It was empty. Meshawn said it felt full to her. Just like his un-empty head.

Arnold said she was just mad that she was in the dark and he wasnt. Meshawn asked if he knew how their dog was driving their car? Arnold said she couldnt expect him to know that. Meshawn asked if he knew the answer to the much smaller mystery of whose house it was? Arnold said yup. Meshawn asked was it a friend of theirs? Arnold said in a way. Meshawn said a friend of his, probably. Knuckleheads. Every one of them. Well, then. It would be rude of them not to drop in and say hello. She pulled him out of the car. Arnold said it was a kind of late. Meshawn said nonsense and rang the doorbell like the house was on fire. There was some clanging about, and the curtains moved. Meshawn asked Arnold which friend it was. Not Jeremy, she hoped. She went to ring it again. Arnold stopped her. He asked if she remembered when he surprised her with Tilly on her birthday. Meshawn said um, hello. It was only the reason she said yes when he popped the question. Arnold said well, this was where he got her. They looked at their dog. Tilly killed the engine and, fancy clothes and all, did a circus jump out of the drivers side window, landingif it can be said of a doglike a cat, without so much as ruffling her outfit, let alone dislodging her pillbox hat. She split Meshawn and Arnold, pawed at the door, and let out a deep woof. The woof was returned, and the door opened. They had been invited in. The table was set. With bowls of kibble and water at each place. A dog in unbuttoned trousers and undone suspenders looked up from his newspaper and barked a sharp bark.

A dog wearing a bathrobe and a wig full of curlers barked back at him. Tilly got up on her hind legs and licked, presumably, her fathers face. Meshawn said she didnt think they should be there. Arnold told her to tell him about it. He was seriously reconsidering the whole dog-ownership thing. He took out his iPhone. Meshawn asked him if he was filming. Arnold said maybe. Meshawn said he waited until now? Arnold said he knew. Right? The doggy-daddy put down his paper, and the dog family organized themselves into a standing army of creature comforts, herding the human couple, with loving leans and soft-mouth tugs, to their seats at the table. The mommy-doggy barked, and Tilly disappeared into the kitchen. She came back with something in her mouth and pushed it into Arnolds hand. Arnold said spoons. How very considerate. The dog family scarfed their food down and turned their attention to the couple. Meshawn told Arnold to eat a little. They were looking at them. Arnold said he was pretty full. The shake and all. Meshawn told Arnold this was no time to turn down a free meal. These were no ordinary dogs. Who knew what they were capable of? Arnold said ok. She talked him into it. Hed take a bite. He jammed his spoon into the pebbles and shoveled a healthy amount into his mouth and forced it down. As if the dog family would understand, he said that was delicious. He set down his spoon, and the dog family jumped down off their chairs and surrounded the couple. Meshawn told Arnold not to stop. He had to eat more. Arnold said it was her turn. Meshawn said absolutely not and tried to force-feed him. Arnold swatted her hand away, and kibble went flying everywhere. A feeding frenzy ensued. Mouths frothed, clothing tore, and bodies collided until the last pebble was inhaled. Arnold set their bowls on the floor.

The feeding frenzy resumed, and the couple went back to the car. Meshawn asked Arnold how bad the dog food was. Arnold said bad. Really bad. They had to get Tilly better food. Like fresh hamburger or something. Meshawn said if Tilly even came back home with them. Arnold said that was a very big if. He asked her how long they should wait. Meshawn said as long as it took. Arnold played back the footage while they waited. Meshawn said it was worthless. It just looked like they dressed up some dogs and arranged them in front of the table. Why didnt he get Tilly when she was driving? Arnold said shed drive again. Meshawn said Tilly wasnt coming. Was she? Arnold said it didnt look good. The couple gave it a good twenty minutes before they got into the car. Meshawn called to Tilly one last time, as they pulled away. Arnold said theyd come back in the morning. Meshawn looked at the moon. It was very white and round and big and far away. She told Arnold she needed her Tillers. Arnold said the feeling was mutual. He told her to look behind them. Meshawn hollered. There was Tilly. In a full gallop. No clothes. No dog parents. Just Tilly.