Kenneth Maresco

Covenant Life Church

PARENTING 6-10
Shepherding Your Childs Heart
We all know that Gods goal for our parenting is that we work ourselves out
of a job. His plan is that we would be his instruments in producing children
who are biblically mature, ready to face life in the fallen world, ready to be
salt and light, ready to be contributors to his kingdom work, no longer
needing the day-by-day guidance that we have given them for so many
years. 1

TRANSITIONAL PERIOD (Ages 6-10) Ages 6-10)

I.

Growing awareness of the world

Growing awareness of other people
Growing awareness of God (if taught)
Expanding circle of influences
Growth in independent thinking
Critical period in shaping of their world view
Childhood to young adult (adolescence)

Shepherding Our Children

A. We Shepherd Our Children as Stewards of Gods Gifts
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
Understanding this simple principle enables you to think clearly about
your task. If you are Gods agent in this task of providing essential
training and instruction in the Lord, then you too, are a person under
authority. Your child and you are in the same boat. You are both under
Gods authority. You have differing roles, but the same master. 2
Recognizing that God has called you to function as His agent defines
your task as a parent. Our culture has reduced parenting to providing
care. Parents often see the task in these narrow terms. The child must
have food, clothes, a bed and some quality time. In sharp contrast to
such a weak view, God has called you to a more profound task than
being a care-provider. You shepherd your child in Gods behalf. The
1
2

Paul David Tripp, Age of Opportunity (Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R Publishing, 1997) 208.
Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Childs Heart (Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 1995) 47.

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task God has given you is not one that can be conveniently scheduled. It
is a pervasive task. Training and shepherding is going on whenever you
are with your children. Whether waking, walking, talking or resting, you
must be involved in helping your child to understand life, himself, and his
needs from a biblical perspective (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). 3
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a
reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are children of ones youth.
Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to
shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127: 3-5

B. We Must Instruct Them from Gods Word

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the
Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them
when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when
you lie down and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your
hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write
them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Deut. 6:4-9
Never let the watchfulness to check the buddings of evil, and to cherish
the first tenderness of right feeling, be relaxed. The ceaseless activity of
the great enemy teaches the value of early training. Be beforehand with
him. Pre-occupy the ground with good seed, as the most effectual
exclusion of his evil taresBe at the mouth of the way with wholesome
food, ere he has the opportunity of pouring in his bread of deceit4

1. Regular times of opening Gods Word

2. In your daily lives Everyday Talk
Parents often correct their children from preference and church
culture rather than Gods Word. The youth ministry is where you see
the fruit of that kind of instruction. And the fruit of this kind of
instruction is moralism and exasperated teenagers. Dave Brewer

a. Distinguish between the Word of God and your family

rules
b. Concern should be rooted in Gods Word
c. Keep focus on God, not moralism
d. Dont wait for times of correction to use Scripture

3
4

Ibid., Tripp, 50.

Charles Bridges, Proverbs (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth Trust, reprinted 1994) 403-404.

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C. Practicals for Teaching Gods Word - Ages 6-10

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

II.

Speak in ways a child can understand.

Make times of instruction brief.
Use role plays.
If they cannot read, help them memorize.
Apply the Bible to the issues in their lives.
The goal is that we and our children and our grandchildren
may fear the Lord and walk in his ways, enjoying a long life.

Our Example and Leadership

A. Leadership is Rooted in Example

Is there any sin I need to acknowledge in my relationships or

life?
Have I demonstrated godliness by the way I have confessed
and pursued that sin with the gospel in my life?

The life classroom is constant, compelling and comprehensive. The

same is true of our homes as well. They are environments where our
children are constantly learning. Not only that, but we are always
teaching our children. Our every response, whether it is instruction or
silence, teaches. Our behavior and our love teach. 5

Ask your children to evaluate you.

What do they learn from how you live?
Are they aware that you are a sinner in the midst of the
same sanctification process they are in?

God wants his commands in that place of special privilege. Do you love
God? Are you blown away by his Word? Is the awesomeness of God
something that your mind keeps turning to? Does the sacrifice of Jesus
on the cross for your sin dominate the thoughts of your heart? This is the
picture of Deuteronomy 6 when it says, these commands are to be upon
your hearts. What thoughts live in your heart? You know and God
knows. Your children know.6
Your example can have a gracious restraining effect in the lives of your
children or it can tempt them to rebellion. C.J. Mahaney

5
6

Moral authority is based on trust.

No matter how much they sin, if you sin, stop and show them
how to repent.

Tedd and Margy Tripp, Instructing a Childs Heart (Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 2008) 18.
John A. Younts, Everyday Talk (Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 2004) 14.

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B. Godly Leadership
1. Guide your schedule.
2. Make time for Gods Word, and God.
3. Make the local church a family priority.
4. Build relationships with (love) your children.
5. Discipline your children toward godliness.
Your children are accountable to God for their obedience to you, and
you are accountable to God for raising your children to fear him.
Therefore your focus in discipline is to hold your children accountable
to God.7

III.

Shepherding Toward Conversion

A. The Importance of the Question, Is Your Child Saved?
Many of us have friends and relatives who profess to be Christians but in
whose lives there appears to be no evidence of the discipline of grace.
Oftentimes we cling to a frail hope that such persons are believers
because they made a profession at some time, despite the lack of any
evidence of the Spirits work in their lives. It seems parents are
especially prone to this form of denial regarding children who show no
evidence of a genuine work of grace.8

B. Understanding the Condition of Our Children

Children are born sinners

as it is written: None is righteous, no, not one; none understands;

no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have
become worthless; no one does good, not even one.
Romans 3:10-12
Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and
death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all
sinned.
Romans 5:12

C. Understanding Our Role as Parents

I know that you cannot convert your child. I know well that they who are
born again are born, not of the will of man, but of God. But I also know
that God says expressly, Train up a child in the way in which he should
7
8

John A. Younts, Everyday Talk (Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 2004) 67.
Jerry Bridges, The Discipline of Grace (Colorado Springs, CO: Navpress, 1994) 82.

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go, and that he never laid a command on man which he would not give
man grace to perform. And I know, too, that our duty is not to stand still
and dispute, but to go forward and obey. It is just in this going forward
that God will meet us. The path of obedience is the way in which he
gives the blessing. We have only to do as the servants were
commanded at the marriage feast in Canaan, to fill the water-pots with
water and we may safely leave it to the Lord to turn that water into wine.9

Our calling as ambassadors for Christ begins in our homes.

Under Gods providence, when a man and woman have a child, they
have kindled a spark that can never be put out. That child, blessed or
cursed, will exist forever and ever. No peaceful oblivion waits for
poorly reared children. And further, God has made the world in such
a way that parents have a tremendous influence over the direction
their children takeeither for good or evil.10

D. Begin with a Biblical Understanding of Conversion

1. We must consistently share the gospel with them.
I am not ashamed of the gospel because it is the power of God for
the salvation of everyone who believes; first for the Jew, then for the
Gentile.
Romans 1:16
The gospel has an irreducible core of truth that cant be changed or
eliminated. Jesus, who is God, humbled Himself, took on the nature
of man, and led a sinless life. He was crucified on the cross unjustly
by the hands of men and there received the wrath of God upon
Himself for the sins of all who would believe. Jesus acted as our
substitute, taking our punishment. Jesus is our Savior who, after
taking the full fury of God for our sin, uttered the most wonderful
words, It is finished. Then, on the third day, Jesus rose again
showing us His victory over death and sin. Jesus is Lord over all
creation and we must submit our lives to his rule.11

We must shepherd our children toward an awareness of

their need for a savior.
We must help them to see there is no other way to be
free from the grip of sin, and the wrath of God than by
responding to the gospel in repentance and faith.

J.C Ryle, The Duties of Parents (Conrad, MT: Triangle Press, 1994) 8.
Dabney, quoted in Wilson, page 11.
Marty Machowski, Leading Children Towards Gospel Repentance and Faith, (Glen Mills, PA:
Covenant Fellowship Church, 2007) 5.
10
11

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2. What are repentance and faith, and how do they work

together?
I have declared to both Jews and Greeks that they must turn to
God in repentance and have faith in our Lord Jesus.
Acts 20:21

Repentance involves sorrow for sin, changing ones

mind about sin and turning from sin. Sorrow for sin,
and a desire to flee it.
Faith is trusting in the life, death and resurrection of
Jesus alone for salvation from sin. True biblical faith
includes understanding, approving and a
wholehearted trust. (Getting into the wheelbarrow).
Conversion is a single action of turning from sin in
repentance and turning to Christ in faith.

When we invite children to respond to the gospel we need to

challenge them to repent and believe. As we evaluate their
response we should look for both faith and repentance. This can
take time and give us pause before we quickly interpret their
response to the call of the gospel as genuine conversion.12

3. When and how do we talk to our children about repentance

and faith?
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I
reasoned like a child. When I became a man
1 Cor. 13:11
Childrens talking, thinking and reasoning are, by definition,
immature. They are often inconsistent. Their thinking can be
arbitrary, simple and nave. These qualities of children and youth
are not in themselves wrongthey are the result of the fact that
human beings do not spring from the womb fully formed in body
or mind. Even Jesus had to grow in wisdom and stature.13
You must tell your children over and over that satisfaction and
contentment are impossible apart from a right relationship with
God. Satan wants people to think he can offer more pleasure
than God can. Thats a lie. The worlds pleasures dont deliver
what they promise, and what enjoyment they do bring doesnt
last. A Christian, however can find contentment and satisfaction
in any situation; and only a Christian can fully enjoy the day to
day pleasures God gives, because he doesnt depend on them
for happiness. He can take or leave them because he finds his
joy in God.14

12
13
14

Ibid., Machowski, page 8.

Robin Boisvert, Water Baptism and Your Child, Covenant Life Church Seminar, April 1998.
John A. Younts, Everyday Talk (Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 2004) 108.

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Variety of ages
Look for an awareness of sin and dislike for sin
Look for an awareness of God
Ask God for wisdom
Look for fruit
Dont be surprised if you have to help them apply the
gospel as a saved sinner

4. What is evidence of genuine faith and repentance?

Conversion always results in a changed life. All Christians bear
the fruit which comes from repentance. Jesus said, You did not
choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should
go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide. (John 15:16)
Scripture is clear; conversion always results in a changed life. If
there is no observable fruit in a childs life, it is best to assume
there has been no conversion.15
Our change, or sanctification, is gradual and may be small at
first. The Scripture uses the analogy of fruit on a tree. At first only
the flower is observable. But in a few weeks the tiny fruit begins
to form. Trees that only flowered but did not produce fruit can be
distinguished from those on which fruit are present. Children are
quick to speak an allegiance to Christ (like the flower) but it is
only when God regenerates their hearts that they bear lasting
fruit.16

IV.

Love for God and his ways

Love of others
Fear of God

Shepherding Toward Conviction

A. Your Childs Heart
1. What is the heart?
For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear
good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not
gathered from thorn bushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble
bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces
good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out
of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Luke 6:43-45

15

Marty Machowski, Leading Children Towards Gospel Repentance and Faith, (Glen Mills, PA:
Covenant Fellowship Church, 2007) 9.
16
Ibid., Machowski, Page 9.

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2. Behavior is rooted in the heart

a. The I wantsies
What our children say and do flows from the heart.
Circumstance Response
I hit him because he took my toy!
I screamed at her because she screamed at me.
Circumstances Child Response
Circumstances Heart of Child Different Responses
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of
life.
Proverbs 4:23
If my heart is the source of my sin problem, then lasting change
must always travel through the pathway of my heart. It is not
enough to alter my behavior or to change my circumstances.
Christ transforms people by radically changing their hearts. If the
heart doesnt change, the persons words and behavior may
change temporarily because of an external pressure or incentive.
But when the pressure or incentive is removed, the changes will
disappear. 17

b. The importance of shaping influences

Shaping influences are those events and circumstances in a
childs developmental years that prove to be catalysts for making
him the person he is. But the shaping is not automatic; the ways
he responds to these events and circumstances determine the
effect they have upon him. 18

Structure of family life

Family Values
Family Roles
Family conflict resolution

Friends (including media and music)

Education
Church
Other life experience

3. Correction should always engage with the heart

All behavior is linked to some attitude of heart. Therefore, discipline
must address attitudes of heart. This understanding does marvelous
things for discipline. It makes the heart the issue, not just the
behavior. It focuses correction on deeper things than changed
17
18

Paul David Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemers Hands (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2002) 62.
Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Childs Heart (Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 1995) 26.

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behavior. The point of confrontation is what is occurring in the heart.

Your concern is to unmask your childs sin, helping him to understand
how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the Cross of
Christ. It underscores the need for a Savior. It provides opportunities
to show the glories of God who sent His Son to change hearts and
free people enslaved by sin.19

4. Avoid the Good Kid Syndrome outward change to impress

others or ourselves
Our objective when we teach our children is not simply to
ensurethat our children are not criminals, or that they do well.
Rather, our desire is that they should love the Lord their God with all
their heart, soul and mind. Therefore, formative instruction must be
rooted in Scripture, not in what Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura advise, or what
Parents magazine recommends or even what the pediatrician tells us
to do. 20

5. An illustration of shepherding the heart with the gospel:

a. Discipline and instruction:
1. Discipline involves enforcing painful consequences to
remind your children that there are consequences for
disobeying God.
2. Spanking should reduce in frequency as you move
toward puberty.
3. Disciplinary consequences can vary from child to child.

b. An outburst:

Your seven year old and your five year old run to the car
and begin to fight over the middle seat next to the baby.
You are exhausted.
They begin to fight.
You stop the fight, get them in their seats, and go to pick
up your pastor/pastors wife.

c. What you are tempted to say:

19
20

How many times have I told you not to fight?

I have told you a thousand times not to fight!
Your dad is going to hear about this when he gets
home!
I dont know what to say to you, you dont seem to ever
get it!

Ibid., Tripp, page 22.

Ibid., Tripp, page 19.

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d. Getting started Remember:

To get your heart right.

Remember the desire to get to the heart.
Remember God is faithful.
Remind them of former instruction: Did we speak about
this beforehand? What did daddy/mommy say to you?
Help them to understand what they did wrong: What did
you do? Why is that wrong?
Move from the what to the why: Why did you do what
you did? What was it you were wanting? Was that a
good desire? What made it wrong?
Did you want that more than you wanted to love God
and obey daddy/mommy? How do you know?
Why is that sin? Why does the Bible call that sin? Did
you disobey mommy/daddy and God too?
Appropriate discipline and further instruction.
Repeat the above 1,000,000 times.

6. Every opportunity for shepherding is a gospel opportunity.

The gospel addresses the heart.
7. The gospel helps them to cultivate conviction

Your sin is against God, so confess your sin to God.

Ask Him to help you to see your sin clearly and to help you
feel godly sorrow.
Express faith in Jesus death on the cross for your sin, and
receive His forgiveness and mercy.
Thank Him for His forgiveness, help and love.
Ask Him, by His Spirit, to help you change, to see and
employ the way of escape the next time you are tempted.

8. Help them to apply the gospel

9. Evidences of the gospels saving work

Growing suspicion of self

Less frequent outbursts
More concerned about being godly then appearing godly
Praying for and pursuing godliness
Confessing sin you are unaware of
Affection and respect toward you

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B. Shepherd Your Children

Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father
and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go
well with you and that you may live long in the land. Ephesians 6:1-3

1. You must be taking initiative in addressing sin at the heart

level if your child is going to be led to conviction.
2. Shepherd in the home.
3. Shepherd in the community.
4. If you are married to a Christian, it is Gods will for you to
shepherd together, with the husbands initiative.
5. Do you have a gospel motivated, faith filled plan?

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Shepherding Your Childs Heart

Questions
1. What challenge in parenting do you find the most difficult?
2. What does Kenneth mean when he says, Our goal is not behavior alone?
Why are heart issues so important to God? Can you demonstrate any
scriptural support for the fact that God is concerned with the heart first?

3. What is the difference between correcting behavior and shepherding a childs

heart? Where have you been most effective in helping your children to see
heart issues?

4. Do you find processing situations at a heart level, as Kenneth did in his

illustration, to be difficult? What is most challenging for you in helping your
children address their heart?

5. In what ways have you sought to create a family culture of dealing with heart
issues? How would you like to work on this? Are you confident that each of
your children is converted? What is your confidence based on?

6. Ask your spouse these questions:

Am I consistently addressing heart issues in the discipline process?

If you were to evaluate my goals for discipline based on my words, what
would you say is my biggest priority during correction?

7. How can we bring the gospel into our correction process more consistently?
8. Use the questions below to help you evaluate your childs spiritual health.
Where would you have concerns? Are you taking initiative to explore these
questions with your children? In what areas is God calling you to grow as a
parent?

Judging by their use of time, the topics of their conversations, and the
interests they passionately pursue, what are the things your children
value most highly?
Who are their friends? Who is influencing them?
What are they talking about and doing with their friends? Why do they
enjoy relating to them? How do they resolve conflicts with their friends?
What are they wanting from relationships? What are they concerned
about?
How do they respond to authority? How do they receive correction from
other adults?
Do they speak about God, his Word, and his ways?
Do they ask questions about the Sunday message?
Are they expressive in worship?
Are they looking for ways to serve others?
Do they pray?
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