Coetzee, J. M. - Age of Iron
Coetzee, J. M. - Age of Iron
Coetzee, J. M. - Age of Iron
e same author
Dusklands
In the Heart of the Cou1ttry
Waiting for the Ba.rbcm'ans
Life & Times of Michael K
Foe
• Age of Iron •
J.M. COETZ,EE
V.H.M..C.(1904-1985)
z.c. (1912-1988)
N.G.C. (1966-1989)
T-here is an alley down the
side of the garage, you may remember it, you and your
friends would sometimes play ther,e. Now it is a dead place,
waste, without use, where windblown leaves pi'fe up and rot.
-~e~t.erday, at the end of this alley, I came upon a house of
carton boxes and plastic sheeting and a man cuded up inside,
a man I recognized from the streets: tall, thin, with a weath-
ered skin and long, carious fangs., wearing a baggy grey suit
and a hat with a sagging brim. He had the hat on now,.
sleeping with the bdm foMed under his ear. A dereiict,. one
of the derelicts who hang around the parking lots on Mill
Street, cadging money from shoppers, drinking under the
flyov·er, eating out of refuse cans. One of the homeless for
whom August,. month of ~~iJ!~S the \!!_ors.!_!!l(l!l_!h:_ Asleep
in his box, his legs stretched out like a'-marionette''S;<·his jaw
agape. An unsavoury smell about hinf~:urine, sweet wine,
mouldy clothing, and something eise too . Unclean .
For a while I stood staring down on him,, staring and
smelling. A visitm, visiting himself on me on this of all days.
This was the day when I had the news from Dr Syfret. The
news was not good, but it was mine, for me, mine only, not
to be refused. It was fm me to take in my arms and fold to
my chest and take home, without headshaking., without tears .
. 3 .
'Thank you, doctor,' I said: 'thank you for being frank . ' 'We
will do everything we can,' he said, 'we will tack[e this
together . ' But already, behind the comradely front, I could
see he was withdrawing. Sauve qui peut. His allegiance to the
living, not the dying .
The trembling began only when I got out of the car . By
the time I had dosed the garage door I was shaking aU over:
to stiH it I had to dench my teeth, grip my handbag . It was
then that I saw the boxes, saw him.
'What are you doing here?' I demanded,. hearing the irri-
tation in my voice, not checking it. 'You can'·t stay, you must
go.'
He did not stir, lying in his shelter, [ooking up,. inspecting
the winter stockings, the blue coat, the skirt with whos·e hang
there has always been something wrong, the grey hair cut by
a strip of scalp, old w~man's scalp, pink, babyish.
Then he drew in his legs and leisurely got up. Without a
word he turned his back on me, shook out the black p[astic,
folded it in half, in quarters, in eighths. He produced a bag
(Air Canada, it said) and zipped it shut . [ stood aside. Leaving
behind the boxes, an empty botde and a smeU of urine, he
passed me . His trousers sagged; he hitched them up. I waited
to be sure he had gone, and hea.rd him stow the plastic in the
hedge from the other side .
Two things, then, in the space of an hop~he qe;~s~Js>n_g
dreaded, and this r·~conn.aissance, this ~~_:nnun~atio~l1·)
The first of the carn~1!-b1!'.~2. prompt, unerring~~HOw Tong
can I fend them oft? The scavengers of Cape Town,. whose
number never dwindles. Who go bare and feel no cold. Whoi.
sleep outdoors and do not sicken. Who starve and do not !;,
waste. Warmed from within by akohol . The contagions and 1
infections in their blood consumed in liquid flame. Cleaners-
up after the feast. Flies, dry-winged, glazen-ey~d, pitH·ess.
My heirs. ·~ ·~ ·
With what slow steps did I enter this empty house, from
. 4.
which every echo has faded, where the very tread of footsole
on board is Hat and duUl How I longed for you to be here,
to hold me, comfort me! I begin to-understand the true
....
meaning of the embraoe. We embrace to be embraced. We l ,\~t.l;:
embrace our children to be folded in the arm~ of the future, I\')
\ r;_ '
drenched in honey, absorbing sweetness through their soft
skins. Slumbrous their souls, bliss-filled, abstracted.
Why do I give this man food?' For the same reason I would •• l ~ ...- ~
I.
-
He did not sleep in the aUey last night. The boxes are gone
too. But, poking around, I came upon the Air Canada bag; in
the woodshed, and a place that he must have scratched for
himself amid the jumble of lumber and faggots. So I know
he means to come back.
Six pages already, and all about a man you have never met
and never will.. Why do I write about him? Because he is and
~ecause in the look he gives me I se;;mysarmaway
. . ."'!;, that can be written. Otherwise what would this writing be
but a kind of moaning, now high, now low? When I write
about him I writ·e about myself. When I writ.e about his dog
I write about myself; when I write about the house I write
about myself. Man, house,. dog: no matter what the word,
through it I stretch out a hand to you. In another world I
would not need words . I would appear on your doorstep. 'I
have come for a visit,.' I would say, and that would be the
end of words: I would embrace you and be embraced. But in
this world,. in this time, I must reach out to you in words.
So day by day IL~ndet..m',l~}f i~JQ_~~ and pack the words
into the page like sweets: like sweets for my daughter., for
her birthday, for the day ofher birth. Words out of my body,
drops of myself, f~r-~er to unpack in her own time, to take
J!l, to suck,. to absorb. As they say on the botde: old-fashioned
drops, drops fashioned by the old,. fashioned and pacl£ed with
love, the lov·e we have no alternative but to feel toward those
to whom we give ourselves to devour q! discard ..
~. Though it rained steadily ~fi afte(noon, it was not till dark
that I heard the creak of the gate and, a minute later, the dick
of the dog's claws on the veranda.
I was watching television. One of the tribe of Ministers and
Ondermini.sters was making an announcement to the nation. I
was standing, as I always do when they speak,. as a way of
keepmg what I can of my self-respect (who would choose to
, 8
V'
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\ ..:\
! l
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\~
of earth - will there,. can there ever be a better? Despite all
the glooms and despairs and rages, I have not let go of my
love of it. --
12 .
-.,
I -
·"·
~I--
Since the car would not start this morning, I had to ask him,
this man, this lodger to push. He pushed me down the
driveway. 'Now!' he shouted, slapping the roof. The engine
IJ '
·caught . I swung into the road, drove a few yards, then, on
an impulse, stopped. 'I have to go to Fish Hoek,' I caUed
from a cloud of smoke: 'Do you want to come along?'
So we set off, the dog on the back s·eat, in the green HiUman
of your childhood. For a long while no word passed between
us. Past the hospital., past the University., past Bishopscourt
we drove, the dog leaning over my shoulder to feel the wind
on its face . Up Wynberg Hili we toiled . On the long downhill
swoop on the other side I switched off the engine and coasted.
Faster and faster we went, t:iU the wheel shuddered in my
hands and the dog whined with excitement . I was smiling, I
believe;. my eyes may even have been shut.
At the foot of the hiU, as we began to slow clown, I cast
him a glance. He sat relaxed, imperturbable.. Good manl I
thought.
'When I was a child,' I said, 'I used to do clownhiUs on a
bicycle with no brakes to speak o£ It belonged to my elder
brother. He would dare me . I was completely without fear.
Children cannot conceive of what it is to die . It never crosses
their minds that they may not be immortal.
'I would ride my brother's bicyde down hiUs even steeper
than this one. The faster I went, the more alive I would feel.
I would quiver. J_ife as ifl were aboutto burst through
} ' l i t· h <
I
some of the old pieces: preludes from the WeU-Tempered
Clavier, Chopin preludes,. Brahms waltzes, from NoveUo
and Augener editions tattered, mottled, dry as dust. I played
as badly as ever, misreading the same chords as half a century
ago, repeating fingering mistakes grown hy now into the
bone, never to he corrected. (The bones prized above all by~ '
archaeologists., I remember, are those gnarled with disease or
splintered by an arrowhead: bones mark,ed with a history
from a time before history ..) ~
After I had tired of the sweetness of Brahms I dosed my
eyes and played chords, searching with my fingers for the
one chord I would recognize, when I came upon it, as my
chord,. as what in the oM days we used to call the lost chord,.
the heart's-chord. (I speak of a time before your time, when,
passing down the street on a hot Saturday afternoon, you
might hear, faint but dogged from .a front parlour, the maiden
of the household groping among the keys for that yearned-
for, elusive resonance. Days of charm and sorrow and mys-
tery too! Days of innocence!)
'Jerusalem!' I sang softly, playing chords I last heard at my
grandmother's knee: 'And was jerusalem y-buUded here?'
Then at last [went back to Bach,, and played clumsily, over
and over again, the first fugue from Book One. The sound
was muddy, the lines blurred, but every now and again, for
a few bars, the real thing emerged, the real music, the music
that does not die, confident, serene .
I was playing for mysdf. But at some point a board creaked
or a shadow passed across the curtain and I knew he was
outside listening.
So I played Bach for him, as well as I could. When the last
bar was played I dosed the music and sat with my hands in
my lap contemplating the oval portrait on th'e cover with its
heavy jowls., its sleek smile, its puffy eyes. Pure spirit, I
thought, yet in how unlikely a temple! Where does that spirit
find itself now? In the echoes of my fumbling performance
. 21 .
receding through the ether? In my heart, where the music
stiH dances? Has it made its way into the he.a.rt too of the man
in the saggj!!g: trousers eavesdropping at the window? Have
our two~h_eat~~: our organs of love, been tied for this brief
while by a cord. of sound?
The t~lephone rang: a woman from the flats across the road
warning me of a vagrant she had spied on my property. 'He
is not a vagrant,.' I s.aid. 'He is a man who works for me.'
I am going to stop answering the telephone. There is no
one I am ready to speak to except you and the fat man in the
picture, the fat man in heaven; and neither of you wiU,. I
think,. calL
(Heave-~~ I imagine heaven as-.eJ!S~tel lobby with a high
oeiling~;;·d the Art of Fugue coming s~ftly over the public
address system. Where one can sit in a deep leather armchair
and be without pain. A hotel lobby full ofold people dozing,
listening to the music, while souls pass and re-pass before
them hke vapours,. the souls of all . A place dense with souls.
Clothed? Yes, clothed, I suppose; but with empty hands. A
place to which you bring nothing but an abstract kind of
clothing and the memories inside you, the memories that
make you. A place without incident. A railway.staJiQ!Lafter
the abolition of trains. Listening to die heavenly unending
music,. waiting for nothing, paging idly through the store of
memories.
WiU it be possible to sit in that armchair listening to the
music without fretting about the house closed up and dark,
the cats prowHng in the garden,. unfed,. cross? It must be
possible, or what is heaven for? Yet dying without succession
is- forgive me for saying this- so unnatural . For peace of
mind, for peace of soul, we need to know who comes after
us, whose presence fills the rooms we were once at home in.
I think of those abandoned farmhouses I drove past in the
Karoo and on the west coast, whose owners decamped to the
cities years ago leaving fronts boarded up, gates locked. Now
22 .
'1
1.-
washing ftaps on the line,. smoke comes from the chimney,
children play outside the back door, waving to passing cars.
A land in the process of being r,epossessed., its heirs quietly
announcing themselves. A land taken by force, used, de-
spoiled, spoiled, abandoned in its barren late years. Loved
too, perhaps., by its ravishers, but loved only in the bloom time
ofits youth and therefore, in the verdict ofhistory,. not loved
enough.
They open your fingers after the event to make sure you
are not trying to tak~ something with you. A pebble. A
feather. A ~ustardseed.under your fingernail.
It is like a sum, a labyrinthine sum, pag,es long, subtraction
upon subtraction, division upon division, till the head reels.
Every day I attempt it anew, in my heart the flicker of a hope
that in this one case, my case, there may have been a mistake.
And every day ] stop before the same blank waH:. death,
oblivion. Dr Syfret in his rooms: 'We must face the truth.'
That is to say: we must face the wall But not he:].
I think of prisoners standing on the brink of the trench
into which their bodies wm tumble. They plead with the
firing-squad, they weep, they joke, they offer bribes, they
offer everything they possess: the rings off their fingers, the
dothes off their backs. The soldiers laugh. For they will take
it an anyway, and the gold from their teeth too.
There is no truth but the shock of pain that goes through
me when, in an unguarded moment, a: vision overtakes me
of this house, empty, with sunlight pouring through the
windows on to an empty bed, or of False Bay under blue
skies, pristine, deserted - when the world I have passed my
life in manifests itselfto me and I am not of it. My existence
from day to day has become a matter of averting my eyes, of
cringing. Death is the only truth left Death is what I cannot
bear to think. At every moment when I am thinking of
something eise, I am not thinking death, am not thinking the
truth.
. 23 .
I try to sleep. I empty my mind; calm begins to steal over
me. I am falling,. I think, I am f3m8_g: welcome, ~sweet sleep.
Then at the very edge of oblivion something Iooms up and
pulls me hack, something whose name can only be dread . I
shake myself free. I am awake in my room in my bed, aifis
welt A fly settles on my cheek. It deans itself. It begins to
explore. Tt walks across my eye, my open eye. I want to
blink, I want to wave it away, hut I cannot. Through an eye
that is and is not mine I stare at it. It licks itself, if that is the
word.. There is nothing in those bulging organs that I can
recognize as a face. But it is upon me, it is here: it struts across
me, a creature from another world.
Or: It is two in the afternoon. I am lying on the sofa or in
bed, trying to keep the weight off my hip, where the pain is
worst. I have a vision of Esther WHliams, of plump girls in
fllowered bathing costumes swimming in ef6ordess backstroke
formation through sky-blue, rippling waters,. smiling and
singing. Invisible guitars strum; the mouths of the girls, bows
~')
of vivid scarlet lipstick,. form words. What are they singing?
Sunset .... Farewell .... Tahiti . Longing sweeps through me
for the old Savoy bioscope, for tickets at one and fourpence
in a currency gone forever, melted down save for a few last
farthings in my desk drawer, on one side George VI, the
'-CD
good king, the stammerer,. on the other a pair of nightingales.
Nightingales. I have never heard nightingale-song and never
will.. I embrace the longing, embrace the regret, embrace the
king, the swimming girls, embrace whatever wiU occupy me.
Or I get up and switch on the t~leyjsion. On one channel
footbalL On the other a black man clasping his hands over
the Bible, preaching to me in a language I cannot ev·en put a
name to. This is the door I open to let the world fllood in,
and this is the world that comes to me. It is like peering down
a pipe.
Three years ago I had a burglary (you may remember, I
wrote about it) . The burglars took no more than they could
. 24 .
carry, but before they left they tipped out every drawer,
slashed every mattress, smashed crockery,. broke bottles,
swept aU the food in the pantry on to the floor.
'Why do they behave Hke this?' l asked the detective in
bewilderment- 'What good does it do them?'
'It's the way they ar·e,' he replied. 'Animals.'
After that I had bars installed on aU the windows. They
were fitted by a plump Indian man. After he had screwed the
bars into the frames he filled in the head of each screw with
glue . 'So that they can't be unscrewed,.' he explained. When
he left he said, 'Now you are sa£e,' 'and patted my hand.
'Now you are safe.' The words of a zookeeper as he locks
the door for the night on some wingless, ineffectual bird. A
dodo: the last of the dodos, oM, past egg-laying. 'Now you
are 3}1~<. Locked up while hungry predators prowl outside.
A~dodo):1uaking in her nest, sleeping with one eye open,.
gre'enng the dawn haggard. But safe, safe in her cage, the
bars intact, the wires intact: the tdephone wire, down which
she may cry for help in a last extremity., the television wire,
down which comes the Hght of the wodd, the aerial wire.,
which calls in music from the stars.
Tdevision. Why do I watch it? The parade of politicians
,every evening: I ha.ve only to see the heavy, blank faces so
fammar since childhood to fed gloom and nausea. The bullies
in the last row of school-desks, raw-boned, lumpish boys,
grown up now and promoted to rule the land. They with their
fathers and m9thers, their aunts and undes, their brothers and
sisters: a locus~:~ horde, a plague of black locusts infesting the
country, 'm~!lching without cease, devouring Ji~eJ>. Why, in
a spirit of horror and loathing,. do I watch them? Why do I
let them into the house? Because the reign of the locust family
is the truth of South Africa, and the truth is what makes me
sick? Legitimacy they no longer trouble to daim . Reason they
have shrugged off. What absorbs them is power and the
stupor of power. Eating and talking, munching lives,. bekh::.
. 25 .
:,f/il'
. 29 .
F Iorence is back, bringing
not only the two htde girls but her fifteen-year-old son Bheki.
'Is he going to be staying long, Flm,ence?' I asked . 'Is there
going to be room for him?'
'If he is not with me he will get into trouble,' Florence
repliled. 'My sister cannot look after him any more. It is very
bad in Guguletu,. very bad.'
So now I have five people in the back yard. Five people, a
dog and two cats. The old woman who lived in a shoe. And
didn't know what to do.
When Florence went off at the beginning of the month [
assured her [ could cope with the housework. But of course
I let ,everything slide, and soon a. sour, dammy odour per-
~~,-~~-·----
. 33 .
Having done my work,. Florence turned to her own. She
put supper on the stove and took the two litde gids up to the
bathroom. Watching her wash them, wiping hard behind the
ears, between the legs, deft, decisive, impervious to their
whines, I thought: What an admirable woman, but how glad
I am she is not my mother!
I came upon the boy mooning about in the courtyard . Once
I knew him as Digby, now he is Bheki. Tall for his age, with
Florence's severe good looks. 'I can't bdieve how you have
grown,' I said. He gave no answer. No longer the open-faced
Iitde boy who, when he came visiting, used to run first ofall
to the rabbit-hutch,. haul out the fat white doe,. and hug her
to his chest. Dissatisfi,ed, no doubt, with being separated from
his friends and hidden away with baby sisters in someone's
back yard.
'Since when have the schools been dosed?' I asked Florence.
'Since last we·ek. AU the schools in Guguletu., Langa,
Nyanga. The children have got nothing to do. AU they do
is run around the stre·ets and get into trouble. It is better that
he is here wher·e I can see him.'
'He will be restless without any friends . '
She shrugged, unsmiling . I do not believe I have ever seen
her smile. But perhaps she smiles on her children when she
is alone with them.
-
mower apart,. with the little girls watching him. The elder,,
whose name, says Florence, is Hope (she does not entrust me
with the rea] name).,. squatted a few- yards away, out of his
line of vision, her hands clasped hetween her knees. She was
wearing new red sandals. The baby,. Beauty, also wearing
red sandals, staggered about the lawn, kicking out her feet,
sometiQ'les sitting down suddenly.
As I -INatched, the baby advanced upon Vercueil, her arms
heM out wide, her fists clenched. As she was about to stumble
over the lawnmower he caught her'and led her by the chubby
litde arm to a safe distance . Again, on unsteady feet, she bore
down on him. Again he caught her and led her away. It was
on the verge of becoming a game. But would dour Vercueil
play?
Once more Beauty lunged towards him; once more he
saved her. Then, wonder of wonders,. he wheeled the half-
dismantled lawnmower to one side and, offering one hand to
the baby, one hand to Hope, began to turn in circles, first
slowly, then faster. Hope., in her red s.andals, had to run to
keep her footing; as for the baby,. she spun in the air, giving
shrieks of pleasure; while the dog, dosed offbehind the gate,
leapt and barked. Such noise! Such excitement!
At that point Flor·ence must have come on the scene, for
the spinning slowed and stopped. A few soft words, and
Hope let go of Vercue:il's hand,. coaxed her sister away,
disappeared from my sight . I heard a door shut. The dog,
fuU of regret, whined . Vercueil returned to the ]awnmower.
Half an hour later it began to rain.
The boy, Bheki, spends his time sitting on Florence's bed
paging through old magazines, while from a comer of the
room Hope watches and worships . Sometimes when he has
had enough of reading he stands in the driveway bouncing a
tennis ball off the garage door. I find the noise ma.ddening.
. 35 .
Though I dutch a pillow over my head the remorseless
thudding stiU reaches me. 'When are the schools going to
open again?' I ask peevishly. 'I wm tell him to stop.,.' says
Florence . A minute later the thudding stops.
Last year, when the troubles in the schools began, I spoke
my mind to Florence. 'In my day we considered education a
privilege,' I said. 'Parents would scrimp and save to keep
their children in school . We would have thought it madness
to burn a school down.
'It is dif£erent today,.' replied Florence.
'Do you approve of children burning down their schools?'
'I cannot tell these chHdren what to do,' said Florence.
'It is aU changed today. There are no more mothers and
fathers.'
'That is nonsense,' I said. 'There are always mothers and
fathers.' On that note our exchang·e ended.
Of trouble in the schools the radio says nothing.,. the tele-
vision says nothing, the newspapers say nothing. In the wodd
they project an the children of the land are sitting happily at
their desks learning about the square on the hypotenuse and
the parrots of the Amazonian jungle. What I know about
events in Guguletu depends solely on what Florence tells
me and on what I can learn by standing on the bakony
and peering north-east: namely, that Guguletu is not
l:mrning today, or, if it is burning, is burning with a low
flame .
The country smoulders, yet with the best wm in the world
I can only half-attend. My true attention is aU inward, upon
the thing, the word, the word for the thing inching through
my "body. An ignominious occupation, and in times Hke
these ridiculous too, as a banker with his clothes on fire is a
joke while a burning beggar is not. Yet [ cannot help
mysdf. 'Look at me!' I want to cry to Florence- 'I too am
burning!'
Most of the time I am careful to hold the letters of the word
. 36 '
apart like the jaws of a trap. When I read I rea.d warHy.,
jumping over lines or even whole paragraphs when from the
comer of an eye I catch the shadow of the word waiting in
ambush.
--B~t~in the dark, in bed,. alone, the temptation to look at it
grows too strong. I feel myself almost pushed toward it. [
think of myself as a child in a long whit·e dress .and straw hat
on a great empty beach. Sand flies all around me. [hold my
hat tight, [plant my feet, I brace mysdfagainst the wind. But
after a while, in this lonely place where no one is watcmng, the
effort becomes too great. I relax. Like a hand in the smaU of
my back, the wind gives me a push. It is a reHef to stop
resisting. First walking, then racing, [allow the wind to take
me.
It takes me, night after night, to The Merchant of Venice.
'Do I not eat, sl.eep, breathe Iik·e you?' cries Shylock the jew:
'Do I not bleed Hke you?,.' brandishing a dagger with a pound
of bleeding flesh impaled on its point . 'Do I not bleed like
you?' come the words of the Jew with the long beard and
skullcap dancing in rage and anguish on the stage.
I would cry my cry to you if you were here. But you are
not. The.refore it must he to Florence. florence must be the
one to suffer these moments when a veritable blast of fear
goes out from me scorching the leaf on the bough. 'It will be
an right': those are the words [ want to hear uttered . I want
to be held to someone's bosom, to Florence's, to yours,. to
anyone's,. and told that it wiH be all right.
Lying in bed last night with a pillow under my hip, my
arms pressed to my chest to keep the pain from moving, the
dock showing 3-45, I thought with envy and yearning of
Florence in her room, asleep, surrounded by her sleeping
children, the four of them bre.atmng in their four different
measur·es, every breath strong and dean.
Once I had everything, I thought . Now you have every-
thing and I have nothing .
' 37
The four breathings went on, without falter, and the soft
ticking of the dock.
Folding a sheet of paper in two, I wrote florence a note:
'Am having a bad night. Will try to sleep late. Please keep
the children quiet. Thank you. EC.' [ went downstairs and
propped it in the middle of the kitchen table. Then, shivering,
I returned to bed, took the four o'clock piUs, closed my eyes,
folded my arms, and waited for deep that did not come.
What I want from Florence I cannot have. Nothing of what
I want can I have.
Last year, when the litde one was still a ba..be in arms,. I
gave Florence a ride out to Brackenfell, to the place where
her husband works.
No doubt she expected me to drop her there and drive off.
But out of curiosity, wanting to see the man, to see them
together, [came in with her.
h was late on a Saturday afternoon . From the parking lot
we foHowed a dusty track past two long, low sheds to a third
shed wher·e a man in blue overalls stood in a wire enclosure
with chickens- puUets reaUy- milling around his legs . The
girl, Hope, tugged herself free, dashed ahead and gripped the
mesh. Between the man and Horence something passed: a
glance, a question, a recognition.
But there was no time for gr·eetings.. He, William,
Horence's husband, had a job and the job could not be
interrupted. His job was to pounce on a chicken, swing it
upside down,, grip the struggling body between his knees,
twist a wire band around its legs,. and pass it on to a second,
younger man, who would hang it, squawking and flapping,
on a hook on a clattering overhead conveyor that took it
deeper into the shed where a third man in oilskins splashed
with blood gripped its head, drew its neck taut, and cut it
through with a knife so smaU it seemed part of his hand,
tossing the head in the same mov·ement into a bin fuH ofother
dead heads.
. 38 .
This was Wiiliam's work, and this I saw before I had the
time or the presence of mind to ask whether I wanted to see
it. For six days of the week this was what he did. He bound
the legs of chickens. Or perhaps he took turns with the other
men and hung chickens from hooks or cut off heads. For
three hundred rand a month plus rations. A work he had been
doing for fifteen years. So that ]t was not inconceivable that
some of the bodi·es I had stuffed with breadcrumbs and
egg-yolk and sage and rubbed with oil and garlic had been
held, at the last, between the legs of this man, the father of
Horence's children. Who got up at five in the morning, while
I was stHI asleep, to hose out the pans under the cages, fill the
feed-troughs,, sweep the sheds, and then, after breakfast,
begin the slaughtering, the plucking .and cleaning, the fr,eezing
of thousands of carcases, t:he packing of thousands of heads
and feet, miles of intestines,. mountains of feathers.
I should have left at once, when I saw what was going on.
I should have driven off and done my best to forget all about
it. But instead [ stood at the wire enclosure, fasdnated, as the
three men dealt out death to the flighdess birds. And beside
me the child, her fingers grippi]1g the mesh,. drank in the
sight too.
So hard and yet so easy, kiHing, dying .
Fiv·e o'clock came, the end ofthe day, and] said goodbye.
While I was driving back to this empty house, WiUiam took
Florence and the children to the living-quarters. He washed; ,
she cooked a supper of chicken and rice on the paraffin .
stove, then fed the baby. It was Saturday. Some of the other
farm-workers were out visiting, recreating themselves.. So
Florence and WiHiam were able to put the childr.en to bed in
an empty bunk and go for a walk, just the two of them, in
the warm dusk.
They walked along the side of the road . They spoke about
the past week, about how it had been; they spoke about their
lives .
. 39 .
When they came hack the children were fast asleep. For the
sake of privacy they hung a blanket in front of their bunk.
Then they had the night to themselves, all save the half-hour
when Florence slipped out and, in the dark, fed the baby.
On Sunday morning WiUiam- not his true name but the
name by which he is known in the world of his work - put
on his suit and hat and good shoes. He and Florence walked
to the bus stop, she with the baby on her back, he hoMing
Hope's hand. They took a bus to Kuilsrivier, then a taxi to
the home in Guguletu of the sister with whom their son
lodged.
It was after ten o'clock and beginning to grow hot. Church
was over; the living-room was crowded with visitors, full of
talk. After a while the men went off; it was time for Florence
to hdp her sister with the cooking. Hope fell asieep on the
fl!oor . A dog came in, licked her face, was chased away; she
was lifted, still sleeping, on to the sofa. In a private moment
Florence gave her sister the money for Bheki's rent, for his
food, his shoes, his schoolbooks; her sister put it away in her
bodice. Then Bheki made his appearance and greeted his
mother. The men came back from wherever they had been
and they all had lunch: chicken from t:he farm or factory or
plant or whatever it is, rice, cabbage., gravy.. From outside
Bheki's friends began to call: hurriedly he finished his food
and left the table.
All of this happened. All of this must have happened . It
was an on.iinary aftern:oonin Africa: bzy weather,. a lazy day.
4_.lmost it is possible to say: This is how Hfe should be.
The time came for them to leave . They walked to the bus
stop, Hope riding now on her father's shoulders. The bus
arrived;, they said goodbye. The bus bore florence and her
daughters off. It bore them to Mowbray,. from where they
took another bus to St George's Street, and then a third up
Kloof Street. From Kloof Street they walked. By the time
they reached Schoonder Street the shadows were lengthening.
. 40.
lt was time to give Hope, fretful and tired, her supp,er, to
hath the baby, to fmish yesterday's ironing .
At },east it is not cattle he is slaughtering, I told myself; at
least it is only chickens, with their crazy chicken-eyes and
their delusions of grandeur. But my mind would hot leave
the farm, the factory, the enterprise where the husband of the
woman who lived side by side with me worked, where day
after day he bestrode his pen, left and right, back an.d forth,
around and around, in a smell of blood and feathers, in an
uproar of outraged squawking, reaching down, scooping up, --[
gripping, binding, hanging. I thought o(_~ll the men across
th_e,b:readth of South Africa who, while [ sat gazing out of
the window, were killing chickens, moving earth, barrowful
upon barrowful; of all the women sorting oranges, sewing
buttonholes. Who would ever count them, the spadefuls, the
oranges, the buttonholes,. the chickens? .A universe oflabour,·
a universe of counting: hke sitting in front of a clock ali day.;
killing the seconds as they emerged, counting obe's Hfe away.
.
'Yes. He cannot ride a bicyde in the dark, it is too danger-
ous .
'And where did he sleep?'
. 47
Florence drew herself up. 'In the garage. Bheki and he slept
in the garage . '
'But how did they get into the garage?'
'They opened the window. '
'Can't they ask me befor·e they do something Hke that?'
A silence . Florence picked up the tray.
'Is this boy going to be living here too, in the garage? Are
they sleeping in my car, Florence?'
Florence shook her head. 'I do not know. You must ask
them yourself.'
Midday, and the bicycle was still here. Of the boys them-
selves no sign. But when I went out to the mailbox there
was a yellow police van parked across the street with two
uniformed men in ilt, the one on the near side asleep, his cheek
against the glass.
I beckoned to the man behind the wheel. The engine came
to life, the sleeper sat up, the van climbed the sidewalk, made
a brisk U-turn, and pulled up beside me.
[ expected them to get out . But no, there they sat without
a word, waiting for me to speak. A cold north-wester was
blowing. I held my dressing-gown dosed at my throat. The
radio in the van crackled. 'Vier-drie-agt,' said a woman's voice.
They ignored it. Two young men in blue.
'Can I help you?' I said. 'Are you waiting for someone?'
'Can you help us? I don't know, lady. You tell us, can you
help us.'
In my day, I thought, policemen spoke respectfully to
ladies . In my day children did not set fire to schools. In my
day: a phrase one came across in this day only in Letters to
the Editor. Old men and women, trembling with just fury,.
taking up the pen, weapon of last resort. In my day, now
over; in my life, now past.
'If you are looking for those boys, I want you to know
they have my permission to be here.'
'Which boys., lady?'
I
. 48 .
'The boys who are visiting here. The boys from Guguletu.
The schoolboys.'
There was a burst of noise from the radio.
'No, lady, I don't know anything about boys from Gugu-
letu. Do you want us to look out for them?'
A glance passed between the two of them, a glance of
merriment. ] gripped the bar of the gate . The dressing-gown
gaped, I felt the cold wind on my throat, my chest . 'In my
day,' I said, enunciating dearly each old, discredited, comical
word, 'a policeman did not speak to a lady hke that.' And l
turned my back on them.
The radio squawked like a parrot behind me;. or perhaps
they made the sound come fmm it, I would not put it past
them. An hour later the yeHow van was still outside the gate.
'I really think you shou]d send this other boy home,' I told
Florence. 'He is going to get your son into trouble.'
'I cannot send him home,' said Florence . 'Ifhe goes Bheki
will go with him. They are hke this.' She held up a hand, two
fingers intertwined. '1t is sa£er for them here. In Guguletu there
is trouble aU the time, and then the police come in .and shoot.'
Shooting in Guguletu: whatever Florence knows about it,.
whatever you know ten thousand miles away, I do not know.
In the news that reaches me there is no mention of trouble,
of shooting.. The land that is presented to me is a land of
smiling neighbours.
'If they are here to get away from the fighting then why
are the police after them?'
Florence drew a deep breath. Since the birth of the baby
there has been an air of barely contained outrage about her.
'You must not ask me, madam,' she declared, 'why the police
are coming after the children and chasing them and shooting
them and putting them injail. You must not ask me.'
'Very well,' I said, 'I wiU not make that mistake again. But
I cannot turn my home into a haven for aU the children
running away from the townships.'
. 49 .
'But why not?' asked Florence, leaning forward: 'Why
not?'
I ran a hot bath,. undressed, and painfuUy lowered myself
:into the water. VVhy .not? I hung my head; the ends of my hair,
falling over my face, touched the water; my legs, mottled,
blue-veined, stuck out like sticks before me . An old woman,.
sick and ugly, clawing on to what she has left. The living,
impatient of long dyings;. the dying; ·envious of the living.
An unsavoury spectade: may it bF over soon.
No bell :in the bathroom. I cleared my throat and caUed:
'Florence!' Bare pipes and white walls gave back a hollow
sound. Absurd to imagine that Florence would hear me. And
ifshe heard, why should she come?
Dear mother, I thought,. look down on me, stretch forth
your hand!
Shivers began to run through me from head to toe . Behind
dosed eyes I saw my mother as she is when she appears to
me, in her drab old person's clothes, her face hidden.
'Come to me!' I whispered.
But she would not. Stretching out her arms as a coasting
hawk does, my mother began to ascend into the sky. Higher
and higher she rose above me. She reached the layer of the
douds, pierced it, soared on. With each mile she ascended
she became younger . Her hair grew dark again, her skin fresh.
The old clothes feU from her like dry leaves, revealing the
blue dress with the feather in the butl:onhoie that she wears
in my earliest memory ofher, from the time when the world
was young and aU things were possible.
On she soared, in the eternal perfection of youth, change-
less, smihng, rapt,. forgetful, to the rim of the heavenly sphere
itself. 'Mother, look down on mel' I whispered into the bare
bathroom.
. jO .
The rains began early this year. This is the fourth month of
rain. Where one touches the walls, streaks of damp form.
There are patches where the plaster is blistering and bursting.
My clothes have a bitter, mouldy smeU. How I long., just
once more, to put on crisp underwear smeUing of the sun'!
Let me be granted just one more summer-afternoon wallk:
down the A venue amid the nut-brown bodies of children on
their way home from school, laughing, giggling, smelling of
dean young sweat, the girls every year more beautiful, plus
belles. And if that is not to be, let there stiU be,. to the last,
gratitude, unbounded, heartfelt gratitude, for having been
granted a speU in this world of wonders.
I write these words sitting in bed,. my knees pressed
together against the August cold. Gratitude: I writ•e down the
word and read it. back. What does it mean? Before my ey·es
it grows dense, dark, mysterious. Then something happens.
Slowly, like a pomegranate, my heart bursts with gratitude;
like a fruit splitting open to reveal the seeds oflove. Gratitude,
pomegranate: sister words.
~
Bheki sat on the bed,. hls trousers off, his hands in a basin of
water; Horence kndt before him bandaging his leg .
'Why did you leave me alone to look afber him? Why didn't
you stay and help?'
I sounded querulous, certainly,. but for once was I not in
the right?
'I do not want to be involved with the police,' said Florence.
'That is not th·e question. You leave me alone to take care
of your son's friend. Why must I be the one to take care of
him?' He is nothing to me . '
'Where is he?' said Bheki.
'They took him to Woodstock Hospital. He is concussed.'
'What does it mean, concussed?'
'He is unconscious. He hit his head. Do you know why
you crashed?'
'They pushed us,' he said.
'Yes, they pushed you. I saw it. You are lucky to be alive,
both of you. I am going to lay a complaint.'
A glance passed between Bheki and his mother. 'We do
not want to be involved with the police,.' Horence repeated.
'There is nothing you can do against the police. ' Again a
glance, as though checking she had her son's approval.
'If you don't complain they wiH go on behaving as they
like. Even if it gets you nowhere, you must stand up to them.
I am not talking about the police only. I am talking about
men in power. They must see yori are not afraid . This is a
serious matter. They could have kiUed you, Bheki. What
have they got against you anyway? What have you and that
friend of yours been up to?'
Florence knotted the bandage around his leg and murmured
something to him. He took his hands out of the basin. There
was a smeU of antis·eptic.
'Is it bad?' I said.
He held out his hands, palms upward. Blood continued to
ooze from the raw flesh. Honourable wounds? Would these
· 6o ·
count on the roll as honourable wounds, wounds of war?
Together we regarded the bleeding hands. I had the im-
pression he was holding back tears . A chlld,, no more than a
child,. playing on a bicycle .
'Your friend,' I said - 'Don't you think his parents should
know?'
'I can phone,' said Florence.
Florence telephoned. A long., loud conversation. 'Wood-
stock Hospital,' I heard .
Hours later there was a call from a pubhc tdephone, a
woman wanting Florence.
'He is not in the hospital,' Florence reported.
'Was that his mother?' I asked.
'His grannie. '
I telephoned Woodstock Hospital. 'You won't have his
name, he was unconscious when they took him,' I said.
'No record ofsuch a patient,' said the man.
'He had a terrible gash across the forehead.'
'No record.,' he repeated. I gave up.
'They work with the police.,' said Bheki. 'They are aU the
same, the ambulances, the doctors, the police.'
'That is nonsense,' I said.
'Nobody trusts the ambulance any more. They are always
talking to the pohce on their radios.'
'Nons·ense.'
He smiled a smil.e not without charm, relishing this chance
to lecture me, to teU me about real life . I, the old woman
who lived in a shoe, who had no children and didn't know
what to do. 'It is true,' he said- 'listen and you will hear.'
'Why are the police after you?'
'They are not after me . They are after everybody. I have
done nothing. But anybody they see they think should be in
school, they try to get them. We do nothing, we just say we
are not going to school. Now they are waging this terror
against us . They are terrorists.'
· 6I ·
'Why won't you go to school?'
'What is school for? [t is to make us fit into the apartheid
system.'
Shaking my head, I tumed to Florence. There was a tight
litde smile on her lips which she did not bother to hide . Her
son was winning hands down. W eU, let him. 'I am too old
for this,.' I said to her. 'I can't !believe you want your son out
on the streets ki.Uing time till apartheid comes to an end.
Apartheid is not going to die tomorrow 01r the next day. He
is ruining his future. '
'What is more important, that apartheid must lbe destroyed
or that I must go to school?' asked Bheki,. challenging me,.
smelling victory.
'That is not the choice,' I answered wearily. But was I
right? If that was not the choice,. what was the choice? 'I wiH
take you to Woodstock,' I offered. 'But then we must leave
at once . '
When Florence saw Vercueil waiting, she bridled. But I
insisted. 'He must come along in case I have trouble with the
car,' I said.
So I drove them to Woodstock, Vercueil beside me smeUing
worse than ev.er, somehow smeUing miserable too,, Florence
and Bheki silent in the back. The car struggled up the gentle
slope to the hospital; for once I had the presence of mind to
park pointing downhilL
'I teU you, there is no such person here.,' said the man at
the desk. 'If you don't believe me, go and look in the wards.'
Tired though I was, I trailed through the male wards !behind
Florence and Bheki. It was the hour of the siesta; doves were
calling softly from the trees outside. We saw no !black boys
with bandaged heads, only old white men in pyjamas staring
emptily at the ceihng while the ra.dio played soothing music.
My secret brothers, I thought:: this is where I belong.
'If they didn't bring him here, where would they have
taken him?' I asked at the desk.
. 62 .
'Try Groote Schuur.'
The parking lot at Gmote Schuur was full. For halfan hour
we sat at the gate with the engine idling, Florence and her
son talking softly together, Vercueil blank-eyed, I yawning.
Like a sl·eepy weekend in South Africa, I thought; like taking
the family for a drive . We could have played a word-game
to pass the time,, but what chance was there of enlisting those
three? Word-games., from a past that I alone could look
!back to with nostalgia,. when we of the midd]e classes, the
comfortable classes, passed our Sundays roaming the country-
side from beauty-spot to lbeauty-sp~t, bringing the afternoon
to a dose with tea and scones and strawberry jam and cream
in a tea-room with a nice view, preferably westward over the
sea.
A car came out, we went in. 'I'll stay here,' said Ve:rcueil.
'Where would someone with concussion be taken?' I asked
the clerk.
Down long, crowded corridors we passed looking for ward
C-5 . We crammed ourselves into a 1ift with four Moslem
women wearing v'eils, carrying dishes of food. Bheki, self-
conscious about his bandaged hands, held them !behind his
back. Through C-5, through C-6, and no sign of the boy.
Horence stopped a nurse. 'Try the new wing.,' she suggested.
Exhausted,. I shook my head. 'I can't walk any further,' I
said . 'You and Bheki go on; I will meet you at the car.'
It was true, I was tired, my hip ached, my heart was
thumping, there was an unpleasant taste in my mouth. But
there was more to it than that. 1 was s'eeing too many sick
old people., and too suddenly. They oppressed me., oppressed
and intimidated me . Black and white, men and women, they
shuffied about the corridors, watching each other covetously,
eyeing me as I approached.,. catching unerringly on me the
smell of death . 'Impostor!' they seemed to whisper, ready to
grasp my arm, draw me back: 'Do you think you can come
and go here as you please? Don't you know the :rule? This is
. 63 .
the house of shadow and suffering through which you must
pass on the way to death.. That is the sentence passed upon
all: a term in prison before the execution.' O]d hounds patrol-
ling the corridors, seeing that none of th~- oona.~~necr-H~e.
back to the air, the hght, the bounteous world above. f.i.ides ·
this place, and I a fugitive shade. I shuddered as I passed
through the doorway.
In silence we waited in the car, VercueH and l,.lilke a couple
married too long, talked out, grumpy . I am even getting used
to the smell, [ thought . Is this how I feel toward South Africa:
not loving it but habituated to its bad smell? Marriage is fate.
What we marry we become. We who marry South Africa
become South Africans: ugly, sullen, torpid, the only sign of
life in us a quick flash of fangs when we are crossed. South
Africa: abaci-tempered old hound snoozing in the doorway,
taking it~- time to die . ·And what· an uninspired name for a
country! Let us hope they change it when they make their
fr.esh start.
A group of nurses passed,..laughing, gay, their shift over.
h is their ministrations I have been evading, I thought. What
a relief it wou]d be to give myself up to them now! Clean
sheets, brisk hands on my body, a release from pain, a release
into helplessness - what is it that keeps me from yielding? [
felt a constriction in my throat, a welling up of tears, and
turned my face away. A passing shower, ] told myself-
English weather. But the truth is, I cry more and more easily,.
with less and less shame . I knew a woman once (do you mind
if your mother talks of these things?) to whom pleasure,
orgasm came very easily. Orgasms would pass through her,
she said, like little shudders, one after another, ripphng her
body like water. How would it be, I us·ed to wonder, to live
in a body like that? To be turned to water: is that what bliss
is? Now I have an answer of a kind in these flurries ofl:ears,
these deliquescences of mine . Tears not of sorrow but of
sadness. A light, fickle sadness: the blues, but not the dark
. 64 .
blues: the pale blues, rather, of far skies, dear winter days. A
private matter, a disturbance of the pool of the soul, which I
take less and less trouble to hide.
I dried my eyes,. blew my nose. 'You needn't be embar-
rassed,.' [ said to Vercueil 'I cry without reason . Thank you
for coming along . '
'I don't see what you need me for,' he sa:id.
'It is hard to be .alone all the time. That's aU. I didn't choose
you, but you are the one who is here,. and that wm have to
do. You arrived . It's like having a chii[d . You can't choose
the child . It just arrives.'
Looking away, he gave a slow, crafty smile.
'Besides,' I said, 'you push the car.. If[ couldn't use the car
I would be trapped at home.'
'AU you need its a new battery . '
'[ don't want a new batt·ery. You don't understand that,
do you? Do I have to explain? This car is old, it belongs to a
world that barely exists any more, but it works. What is left
of that world, what stiU works, [ am trying to hold on to.
Whether I love it or hate it does not matter. The fact is,. I
belong to it as I do not belong., thank God, to what it has
become. I:t is a wodd in which cars cannot be depended on
to start whenever you want them to . In my world you try
the self-starter. If that does not work you try the crank-handle.
If that does not work you get someone to push. And if the
car still does not start you get on your bilcyde or walk or stay
at home. That is how things are in the wodd where I belong.
I am comfortable there, it is a world I understand. I don't see
why I should change.'
Vercueil said nothing.
'And if you think I am a fossil from the past,' I added, 'it
is time you took a look at yourself. You have seen what the
children of today think of drinking and lying around and
leeglopery. Be warned. In the South Africa of the future
everyone will have to work,. including you. You may not
. 65 .
like the prospect, but you had better prepare yourself for it . '
Darkness was faHing over the parking lot. Where was
Florence? The pain in my back was wearing me down. It: was
past the time £or my piUs.
I thought of the empty house, the long night yawning
before me. Tears came again, ·easy tears.
I spoke: '1 told you about my daughter in America. My
daughter is everything to me. I have not told her the truth,
the whole truth about my condition. She knows I was sick,
she knows I had an operation; she thinks it was successful and
I am getting better. When I He in bed at night and stare into
the black hole into which I am falHng, all that keeps me sane
is the thought of her . I say to myself:. I have brought a chi]d
into the world, I have seen her to womanhood, I have seen
her safely to a new life: that I have done,. that can never be
taken from me. That thought is the pillar I ding to when the
storms hit me.
'There is a little ritual I go through sometimes, that helps
me to stay calm. I say to myself: It is two in the morning
here, on this side of the world, ther·efore it is six in the evening
there, on her side. Imagine it: six in the evening . Now imagine
the rest. Imagine ev·erything. She has just come in from work.
She hangs up her coat. She opens the refrigerator and takes
out a packet of frozen peas. She empties the peas into a bowl .
She takes two onions and begins to peel them. Imagine the
peas,. imagine the onions. Imagine the world in which she is
doing these things,. a world with its own smells and sounds.
Imagine a summer evening in North America, with gnats at
the screen door, children calling from down the street. Im-
agine my daughter in her house,. in her life, with an onion in
one hand,. in a land where she wiH Hve and die in peace. The
hours pass, in that land and this one and all the rest of the
world,, at the same pace. Imagine them passing. They pass:
here it grows light, there it grows dark. She goes to bed;
drowsily she lies beside the body of her husband in their bed
. 66 .
of marriage in their peaceful country. I think of her body,
still, so[:id, aHve, at peace, escaped. I ache to ·embraoe her. "I
am so thankful," I want to say, from a fuU heart . I also want
to say, but never do: "Save me!''
'Do you understand? Do you understand?'
The car door was open. Vercuei] leaned away from me, his
head against the doorpost, one foot on the ground. He sighed
a heavy sigh; I heard ilt. Wishing for Florence to return and
rescue him,. no doubt. How tedious these confessions, these
pleas, these demands!
'Because that is something one sl\ould never ask of a child,.'
I went on: 'to enfold one, comfort one, save one. The comfort,
the love should flow forward, not backward . That is a rule,
another of the iro•lt11rul~s. When an old person begins to plead
for love everything turns squalid. Like a parent trying to
creep into bed with a child: unnatural.
'Yet how hard it is to sever oneself from that living touch,
from an the touches that unite us with the living! Like a
steamer pulhng away from the quay,. the ribbons tightening,
snapping, falling away. Setting off on a last voyag•e. The dear
departed . his all so sad, so sad! When those nurses passed us
a little while ago I was on the point of getting out of the ca.r
and giving up, surrendering to the hospital again, letting
myselfbe undressed and put to bed and ministered to by their
hands. It is their hands above aU that] find myself craving.
The touch of hands. Why else do we hire them, these girls.,
these children, ifnot to touch, to stroke, in that brisk way of
theirs, flesh that has grown old and unlovable? Why do we
give them lamps and caU them angels? Because they come in
the dead of night to tell us it is time to go? Perhaps. But also
because they put out a hand to renew a touch that has be·en
broken . '
'Tell this to your daughter.,.' said Vercueii quietly. 'She will
come.'
'No.'
. 67 .
'Tell her right now. Phone her in America. TeU her you
need her here.'
'No.''
'Then don't tell her aft.erwards, when it is too late. She
won't forgive you.'
The rebuke was like a slap in the face .
'There are things you don't understand,' I said. '[ have no
intention of summoning my daughter back. I may !of!g fm
her but I don't want her here . That is why it is caHedlonging~o
It has to go ·~)ong way. To the ends of the ·earth.' ' .
To his credit, he was not deflected by this nonsense. 'You
have to choose,' he said . 'TeU her or don't tell her.'
'I won't teU her, you can be sure,,' I said (what a liar I am!) .
Something was rising in my voice, a tone I cou]d not control..
'Let me remind you, this is not a norma[ country. People
can't just come and go as they wish.'
He did nothing to help me.
'My daughter will not come back tiU things have changed
here. She has made a vow. She will not come back to South
Africa as you and she and I know it. She will certain[y not
apply to- what can I call them?- those people for permission
to come. She will come hack when they are hanging by their
heels from the lamp-posts, she says. She wiH come back then
to throw stones at their bodies and dance in the streets . '
Vercueil showed his teeth in a broad grin. Y eHow horse-
teeth. An old horse.
'You don't believe me,.' I said, 'but perhaps one day you
- wiU meet her, and then you will see . She is Hke iron. I am
not going to ask her to go back on her vows.' -
'You are Hke iron too,' he s.aid, to me.
A silence fell between us . Inside me something broke.
'Something broke inside me when you said that,' I said,
the words just corning. I did not know how to go on. 'If I
were made of iron, surely I would not break so easily,' I said.
The four women we had met in the lift crossed the lot,
. 68 ,
escorted by a little man in a blue suit and white skuUcap. He
ushered them into a car and drove them off.
'Did your daughter do something,, that she had to leave?'
said V ercuei].
'No, she didn't do .anything. She had simply had enough.
She went away; she didn't come back. She made another life
for herself. She got married and started a family. It was the
best thing to do, the sensible thing.'
'But she hasn't forgotten . '
'No, she hasn't forgotten. Though who am I to say?
Perhaps one does forget, slowly. I can't imagine it, but
perhaps it does happen. She says, ·,,I was born in Africa, in
South Africa." I have heard her use that phrase in conver-
sation. It sounds to me like the first half of a sentence. There
ought to be a second half, but it never comes. So it hangs in
the air Hke a lost twin. "I was born in South Africa and win
never see it again.'' ''I was born in South Africa and will one
day return." Which is the lost twin?'
'So she is an exile?'
'No, she is not an exile. I am the exile.'
He was learning to talk to me. He was learning to lead me
on. I felt an urge to interrupt: '[tis such a pleasure!' I wanted
to say. After long silence it is such a. pleasure: tears come to
the eyes.
'I don't know whether you have chiMr·en. I don't even
know whether it is the same for a man. But when you bear
a child from your own body you give your life to that child.
Above aU to the first child, the firstborn. Your life is no
longer with you, it is no longer yours, it is with the chiM.
That is why we do not really die: we simply pass on our life,
the life that was for a while in us, and are left behind. I am
~ ___
just a sheH,. as you can see, the sheH my child.... has left behind.
It doesn t matter what happens to me . It doesn't matter what
····--
<6\--L
the bookshelf. I switched off the television. 'What are you
looking at?' I asked.
He he]d up one of the heavy quartos.
'You wiH find that book interesting,' I said. 'The woman
who wrote it travelled through Palestine and Syria disguised
as a man. In the last century. One of those intrepid English-
women. But she didn't do the pictu:res. They were done by
a professional iUustrator . '
Together we paged through the book. By some trick of
perspective the illustrator had given to moonlit encampments,
desert crags, ruined temples an air oflooming mystery. No
\ one has done that for South Africa: made it into a land of
i mystery. Too late now . Fixed in the mind as a place of flat,
hard Hght,. without shadows, without depth.
'Read whatever you like,' I said . 'There are many more
books upstairs. Do you like reading?'
V ercueil put down the book. 'I'U go to bed now, ' he said .
Again a flicker of ·embarrassment passed across me. Why?
Because, to be candid, I do not like the way he smeUs. Because
V ercueil in his underwear I prefer not to think of. The feet
worst of all: the horny,. caked toenails.
'Can I ask you a question?' I said . 'Where did you live
before? Why did you start wandering?'
'I was at sea,' said Vercueil. 'I told you that.'
'But one doesn't live at sea. One isn't born at sea . You
haven't been at sea .aU your life.'
'I was on trawlers.'
'And?·'
He shook his head.
'I am just asking,' I said. 'We like to know a. little about
the people near to us. It's quite natural.'
He gave that crooked smile of his in which one canine
suddenly reveals itself, long and yeHow . You are hiding
something, I thought, but what? A tragic love? A prison
sentence? And I broke into a smile myself.
. 76.
So we stood smiling,. the two of us, each with our private
cause to smile.
'If you prefer,.' I said, 'you can sleep on the sofa again.'
He looked dubious. The dog is used to sleeping with me . '
'You didn't have the dog with you last night.'
'He wiU carry on if I don't come.'
I heard no carrying on by the dog last night. As long as he
feeds it, does the dog really care where he sleeps? I suspect he
uses the fiction of the anxious dog as other men use the fiction
of the anxious wife. On the other hand, perhaps it is because
of the dog that I trust him. Dogs, that sniff out what is good,.
what evil: patrollers ofboundaries: sentries .
The dog has not warmed to me.. Too much cat-smeH.
Cat-woman: Circe. And he, after roaming the seas in trawlers,
making landfall here.
'As you p[ease,' I said,..and let him out,. pret·ending not to
notice he stiU had the sherry-botde .
A pity, I thought (my hst thought before the piUs took me
away): we could set up house, the two of us, after a fashion,
I upstairs, he downstairs,. for this last liiule while . So that
there will be someone at hand in the nights . For that is, after
.all,. what one wants in the end: someone to be there, to caH
to in the dark. Mother, or whoever is prepared to stand in
for mother.
. 78 .
• III •·
In the <mall homs of last
rright ther·e was a telephone caU. A woman, breathless,.
with the breathlessness of fat people. 'I want to speak to
Florence.'
'She is s]eeping. Everyone is sleeping . '
'Yes, you can caU her.'
h was raining.,. though not hard. I knocked at Florence's
door. At once it opened, as if she had been standing there
waiting £or the summons. From behind her came the sleepy
groan of a child. 'Tdephone,' I said.
Five minutes later she came up to my room. Without her
glasses., bareheaded, in a long white nightdress, she ;seemed
much younger.
'There is trouble,' she said.
'Is it Bheki?'
'Yes, I must go.'
'Where is he?'
'First I must go to Guguletu, then after that, I think, to
Site C..'
'I have no idea where Site C is.'
She gave me a puzzled look.
'I mean, if you can show me the way I wiU take you by
car,.' I said.
. 8! .
'Yes.,' she said,. but still hesitated . 'But I cannot leave the
children alone.'
'Then they must come along.'
'Yes,' she said.. I could not remember ever seeing her so
indecisive.
'And Mr Vercueil,' I said: 'he must come to help with the
car.'
She shook her head.
'Yes,.' I insisted: 'he must come.'
The dog lay at Vercueii's side. lt tapped its tail on the floor
when I came in but did not get up.
'Mr Vercueil!' I said loudly. He opened his eyes; I held the
light away. He broke wind . 'I have to take Florence to
Guguletu. b is urgent, we have to leave at once. Will you
come along?'
He made no reply, but curled up on his side . The dog
rearranged itself.
'Mr Vercueil!' I said, pointing the light at him.
'Fuck off,' he mumbled.
'I can't wake him,.' I reported to Florence . 'I have to have
someone along to push the car.'
'I wiU push,' she said.
With the two children on the back seat warmly covered,
Florence pushed.. We set off. Peering through glass misted
over with our breathing, I crawled over De Waal Drive, got
lost for a while iin the streets of Claremont, then found
Lansdowne Road. The first buses of the day were abroad,
brightly lit and empty. It was not yet f1ve o'clock.
We passed the last houses, the last streetlights. Into a steady
rain from the north-west we drove, following the faint yellow
glow of our headlights.
'If people wave to you to stop, or if you see things in
the road,. you must not stop, you must drive on,' said
Florence .
'I wiH certainly not,' I said . 'You should have warned me
. 82 .
eadier. Let me make myself dear, Florence: at the first sign
of trouble I am turning back.'
'I do not say it wiU happen, I am just telling you . '
Full of misgiving I drove on into the darkness. But no one
barred the way,. no one wavea:-there was nothing across
the road. Trouble, it seemed, was stiU in bed; trouble was
recuperating for the next engagement. The roadside, along
which, at this hour, thousands of men would ordinarily have
been plodding to work,. was empty. Swirls of mist floated
toward us, embraced the car, floated away. Wraiths, spirits.
~?mos .this place: ~~rdless .. I shiv~red, met Florence'sgaze .
'How much further?' I .asked.
'Not far.'
'What did they say on the telephone?'
'They were shooting again yesterday. They were giving
guns to the wUdoe.ke and the witdoe.ke were shooting.'
'Are they shooting in Guguletu ?'
'No,. they are shooting out in the bush.'
'At the first hint of trouble, Florence, I am turning back.
We are fetching Bheki, that is aU we are going to do, then
we are going home. You should never have let him leave.'
'Yes, but you must turn here, you must turn left.'
I turned. A hundred metres further there was a barrier
across the road with flashing lights, cars parked along the
verges, police with guns . I stopped; a policeman came up .
'What is your business here?' he asked.
'I am taking my domestic home,' I said, surprised at how
calmly I lied.
He peered at the children sleeping on the back seat. 'Where
does she live?'
'Fifty-seven,' said Florence.
'You can drop her her·e, she can walk, it is not far.'
'h is raining, she has smaH children, I am not letting her
walk alone,' I said firmly.
He hesitated, then with his flashlight waved me through .
. 83 .
On the roof of one of the cars stood a young man in battle-
dress, his gun at the ready, staring out into the darkness .
Now there was ~smell of bum~_g in the air, of wet ash,.
l:?urning rubber. S[owly we drove down a broad unpaved
street ~lined ·with matchbox-houses. A police van armoured
in wife me.sh cruised past us . 'Tum right here, said Florence.
I
13
for them . Do not pass them over,. do not forgive them easily.
_;l{.ead aU, even this adjuration, with a cold eye..
Someonenactthrown a rock through. the Windscreen. Big
a.s a child's head, mute, it lay on the seat amid a scattering of
glass as ifit now owned the car. My first thought was: Where
wiU I get a windscreen for a Hillman? And then: How
fortunate that everything is coming to an ·end at: the same
time!
l tumbled the rock from the seat and began to pick out the
loose shards from the windscreen. Now that I had something
to do I felt calmer. But l was calmer too because I no longer
cared ifl lived. What might happen to me no longer mattered .
I thought: My life may as weU be waste. We shoot these
people as if they are waste, but in the end it is we whose lives
are not worth living .
I thought of the five bodies, of their massive,. solid presence
in the I.Jumed-down halt Their ghosts have not departed, I
thought, and wm not depart. Their ghosts are sitting tight,
in poss·ession.
If someone had dug a grave for me there and then in the
sand, and pointed, I would without a word have climbed in
and lain down and folded my hands on my breast. And when
the sand feU in my mouth and in the comers of my eyes I
would not have lifted a fmger to brush it away.
Do not read in sympathy with me. Let your heart not beat
with mine.
I hdd out a coin through the window. There was a rush
of takers. The children pushed,. the engine started.. Into
thrust-out hands I emptied my purse.
Drawn up among the bushes where the road dwindl.ed to
a track stood the military vehicles I had seen, not three, as I
had thought, !Jut five. Under the eye of a boy in an olive
rain-cape I got out of the car,. so cold in my wet clothes that
I might as weH have been naked.
I had hoped the words I need_ed :vould just come,. but. they
. 96.
did not. I held out my hands, palms upward . [ am bereft, my
hands said,. bereft of speech. I come to speak but have nothing
to say.
'Wag i.n die motor, ek sal die po.lisie ska.kel ,' he called down to
me. A boy with pimples playing this self-important, murder-
ous game. Wait in the car, I wiU call the police. I shook my
head, went on shaking my head. He was talking to someone
beside him,, someone I could not see . He was smiling . No
doubt: they had been watching from the beginning, had their
own opinion of me. A mad old do-gooder caught in the rain,
bedraggled as a hen. we-re they right? Am I a do-gooder?
No, I have done no good that I ca~ think of. Am I mad? Yes,
[ am mad. But they are mad too. AU of us running mad,
po~s~ssed by devils. When madness climbs the throne, who
i~~capes co11tagjon?
'Don't call the police, I can take care of myself,' I caUed.
But the murmuring., the sideways looks continued. Perhaps
they were already on the radio.
'What do you think you are doing?' 1 caUed up to the boy.
The smile stiffened on his lips. ':vvhat do you think you are
doing?' I shouted, my voice beginning to crack.. Shocked, he
stared down. Shocked to be screamed at by a white woman,
and one old enough to be his grandmother .
A man in battledress came over from the next vehicle in
the Hne. LeveUy he regarded me. 'Wat is die moeilikh:eid?' he
asked the boy in the troop-carrier. 'Nee,. niks moe.ilikheid nie.'
No problem. 'Net h.ierdie dame wat wit weet wat aangaan.'
'This is a dangerous place to be, lady,' he said, turning to
me. An officer, evidently. 'Anything can happen here . I am
going to send for an escort to take you back to the road.'
I shook my head. I was in command of myself, I was not
even tearful, though I did not put it past myself to I.Jreak
down at any moment.
What did I want? What did the old lady want? What she
wanted was to b_are something to them,. whatev,er ther·e was
. 97 .
that might be bared at this time, in this place. What she
wanted, before they got rid of her, was to bring out a scar,,
a hurt, to force it upon them, to make them-see it with their
( own eyes: a scar, any scar, the scar of all this suffering, but
in the end my scar, since our own scars are the only scars we
can carry with us. I even brought a hand up to the buttons
of my dress. But my .fingers were blue, frozen.
'Have you seen inside that hall?' I asked in my crack·ed
voice . Now the tears were beginning to come.
The officer dropped his cigarette, ground it into the wet
sand.
'This unit hasn't fired a shot in twenty-four hours,' he said
softly. 'Let me suggest to you: don't get upset before you
know what you are talking about. Those people in there ar·e
not the only ones who have died . . The kiHings are going on
aH the time. Those are just the bodies they picked up from
yesterday. The fighting has subsided for the time being,. but
as soon as the rain stops it will flare up again. I don't know
how you got here- they should have closed the road- but
this is a bad place, you shouldn't be here. We'll radio the
pohce.,. they can 'escort you out. '
'Ek het reeds geska.kel,' said the boy in the troop-carrier.
'Why don't you just put down your guns and go home,. all
of you?' I said. 'Because surely nothing can be worse than
what you are doing here. Worse for your souls, I mean.'
'No,' he said. I had expected incomprehension,. but no, he
understood exactly what I meant. 'We will see it through
.,
now.
I was shivering from head to foot. My fingers, ended into
the palms of my hands, would not straighten. The wind
drove the sodden clothing against my skin .
'I knew one of those dead boys,,' I said. 'I have known him
since he was five. His mother works for me . You are all too
young for this. It sickens me. That is all.'
I drove back to the hall and, sitting in the car, waited . They
' 98 .
were bringing the bodies out now. From the gathering crowd
I felt a wave of something come out at me: resentment,
.animosity. Worse than that: hatred . Would it have been
different if I had not been seen speaking to the soldiers? No.
Mr Thabane came over to see what I wanted. 'I am sorry,
but I am not sure of the way back,' I said.
'Get on to the tar road,. turn right, foUow the signs,' he
said curtly.
'Yes, but which signs?'
'The signs to civilization.' And he turned on his heel.
I drove slowly, in part because· of the wind beating into
my face, in part because I was numb in body and soul. I
strayed into a suburb I had never heard of and spent twenty
minutes driving around indistinguishable streets looking for
a way out. At last I found myself in Voortrekker Road. Here,
fnr the first time,. people began to 'stare at the car ,;:ith the
shattered windscreen. Stares followed me all the way home.
The house felt cold and alien. I told myself: Have a hot
bath,. rest. But an icy lethargy possessed me. It took an effort
to drag myself upstairs,. peel off the wet clothes, wrap myself
in a robe,. get into bed. Sand,. the gr·ey sand of the Cape Flats,
had crusted between my toes. I will never be warm again,. I
thought. Vercueil has a dog to lie against. VercueiiJ knows
how to live in this climate. But as for me, and for that cold
boy soon to be put into the earth, no dog wm help us any
more. Sand akeady in his mouth, creeping in, claiming him.
Sixteen years since I shared a bed with man or boy. Sixteen
years alone. Does that surprise you?
I wrote. I write . I follow the pen, going where it takes me.
What else have I now?___ · ./
I a theft took place: a child was~taken and a doll left in its place
___to be nursed and reared, and that doH is what I call L
A doll? A doll's life? Is that what I have lived?Ts it given
to a doll to conceive such a thought? Or does the thought
come and go as another inti~tion, a flash of lightning,, a
. 100 .
piercing of the fog by the lance of an angel's intemgence? Can
a doll recognize a doU? Can a doll know death? No: dolls
grow, they acquire speech and gait, they perambulate the
world; they age, they wither, they perish; they are wheeled
into the fire or buried in the ·earth; but they do not die. They
exist forever in that moment of petrified surprise prior to all
recoUection when a life was taken away, a life not theirs but
in whose place they ar·e left behind as a token . Their knowing
a knowledge without substance, without worldly weight,
like a doll's head itself, empty, airy. As they themselves are
not babies but the ideas of babies; more round, more pink,.
more blank and blue-eyed than a baby could ever be, living
not life but an idea of life, immortal, undying,. like .all ideas.
Hades, Hell::tlie- domain of ideas. Why has it ever been
necessary that hell be a place on its own in the ice of Antarctica
or down the pit of a vokano? Why can heU not be at the foot
of Africa, and why can the creatures of hell not walk among
the living?
'Father, can't you see I'm burning?' implored the child,
standing at his father's bedside. But his father, sleeping on,
dreaming, did not see.
That is the reason - I bring it forward now for you to see
-why I ding so tighdy to the memory of my mother. For if
she did not give me life, no one did. I cling not just to the
memory of her but to her herself, to her body,. to my birth
from her body into the world. In blood and milk I drank her
body and came to life . And then was stolen,. and have been
lost ever since.
There is a photograph of me you have seen but will probably
not remember. It was taken in 1918, when I was not yet two. I
am on my feet; I appear to be reachmg towards the ~camera; my
mother, kneeling behind me,. restrains me by some kind ofr,ein
that passes over my shoulders. Standing to one side, ignoring
me, is my brother Paul, his cap at a jaunty angle.
My brow is furrowed, my eyes are fixed intensely on the
· WI ·
camera. Am I merely squinting into the sun or,. like the
savages of Borneo, do I have a shadowy sense that the camera
wiU rob me of my soul? Worse: does my mother hold me
hack from striking the camera to the ground because I, in my
doll's way, know that it win see what the eye cannot: that I
am not ther·e? And does my mother know this because she
too is not there?
Paul, dead.,. to whom the pen has led me. I held his hand
when he was going. I whispered to him, 'You wiU see Mama,
you wiU both be so happy.' He was pale, even his eyes had
the blanched hue of far-off sky. He gave me a tired,. empty
look as if to say: How litde you understand! Did Paul ever
really live? My sister life, he called me once in a letter, in
borrowed words. Did it ~orne to him at the end that he had
made a mistake? Did those translucent •eyes see through me?
We were photographed, that day, in a garden. There are
fllowers behind us that look like hollyhocks; to our left is a
bed of melons. I r•ecognize the place. It is Uniondale, the
house in Church Street bought by my grandfather when
ostrich-feathers were booming. Year after year fruit .and
fllowers and vegetables burgeoned in that garden,. pouring
forth their seed, dying, resurrecting themselves, blessing us
f with their profus·e pr·esence. But by whose love tended?_Who
clipped the hoUyhocks? Who laid the melon-seeds in their
warm, moist bed? Was it my gr.andfather who got up at four
in the icy morning to open the sluice and lead water into the
garden? If not he, then wl10se was the garden rightfuily? Who
are the ghosts and who the presences? Who, outside the
picture, leaning on their rakes, leaning on their spades, wait-
ing to get back to work,. lean also against the edge of the
rectangle, bending it, bursting it in?
, Dies ir:ae, dies illa when the absent shaU be present and the
present absent. No longer does the picture show who were
in the garden frame that day, but who were not there. Lying
all these years in places of safekeeping across the country, in
-10~\!
albums, in desk drawers,. this picture and thousands like it
have subdy matured, metamorphosed. The fixing did not
hold or the developing went further than one would ever
have dreamed- who can know how it happened?- but they
have become negatives again, a new kind of negative in whkh
we begin to see what used to lie outside the frame, occulted.
Is that why my brow is furrowed; is th.:if why I struggle
to reach the camera: do I obscurely know that the camera is
the enemy, that th•e camera wiU not lie about us but uncover
what we truly are: doll-folk? Am I struggHng against: the reins
in order to strike the camera out of the hands of whoever
holds it before it is too lat,e? And who hoMs the camera?
Whose formless shadow leans toward my mother and her
two offspring across the tilled bed?
Grief past weeping. I am hollow,. I am a shell. To ·each of
us fate sends the right disease . Mine a dis·ease that eats me out
from inside. Were I to be opened up they would find me
hoUow as a doll, a doH with a crab sitting inside licking its
lips,. daz·ed by the flood of light.
Was it the crab I saw so presciently when I was two,
peeping out ofthe black box?' Was I trying to save us all from
the crab? But they held me back, they pressed the button,
and the crab sprang out and entered me.
Gnawing at my bones now that there is no flesh left.
Gnawing the socket of my hip, gnawing my backbone,
beginning i:o gnaw at my knees . Th·e cats, :if the truth be told,
have never really loved me. Only this cr,eature is faithful to
the ,end. My pet,. my pain.
I went upstairs and opened the toilet door. Vercueil was
still there, slumped in his deep sleep. I shook him. 'Mr
V ercueil!' I said. One eye opened. 'Come and lie down . '
But he did not. First I heard him on the stairs,. taking one step
at a time like an old man. Then I heard the back door close.
. IOJ .
A beautiful day, one of thos·e still winter days when light
seems to stream evenly from aU quarters of the sky. V ercueil
drove me down Breda Street and into Orange Street. Across
from Government A venue I told him to park.
'I thought of driving the car aU the way down the Avenue,.'
I said. 'Once I am past the chain, I don't see how anyone can
stop me. But do you think there is room to get past?'
(You may remember, there are two cast-iron boUards at
the head of the avenue with a chain stretched between them.)
'Yes, you can get past at the side,' he said.
'After that it would just be a matter of keeping the car
str.aight.'
'Ar·e you really going to do this?' he asked . His chicken-eyes
glinted crueUy.
'If I can find the courage. '
'But why? What for?'
Hard to make grand responses iin the te·eth of that look. I
dosed my ·eyes and tried to hold on to my vision of the car,
moving fast enough for the flames to fan out backwards,
rolling down the paved avenue past the tourists and tramps
and lovers, past the museum, the art: gaUery, the botanical
gardens,. tiU it slowed down and came to rest before the house
of shame, burning and melting .
'We can go back now,' I said . 'I just wanted to make sure
it could be done.'
He came indoors and I gave him tea. The dog sat at his
feet, cocking its ears at us in turn as we spoke. A nice dog: a
bright presence, star-born, as some people are.
'To answer your question What for?' I said: 'it has to do
with my Hfe. To do with a life that isn't worth much any
mor·e. I am trying to work out what I can get for it.'
His hand moved restfully over the dog's fur, hack and
forth. The dog blinked, dosed its eyes. Love, I thought:
however unlikely, it is love I witness here.
I tried again. 'There is a famous novd in which a woman
. !04 .
is convicted of.adultery- adultery was a crime in the old days
- and condemned to go in public with the letter A stitched
on her dress... She wears the A for so many years that people
forget what it. stands for. They forget that it stands for
anything. It simply becomes something she wears, like a ring
or a brooch. h may even be that she was the one to start the
fashion of wearing writing on one's dothing. But that isn't
in the book.
'These pubHc shows,. these manifestations- this is the point
of the story- how can one ever be sure what they stand for?
An old woman sets hersdf on fire, for instance. Why? Because
she has been driven mad? Because she is in despair? Because
she has cancer? I thought of painting a letter on the car to
explain. But what? A? B?' C? What is the right letter for my
case? And why explain anyway? Whose business is it but my
own?'
I might have said more., but at that moment the gate-latch
dicked and the dog began to growL Two women, one of
whom I recognized as Florence's sister, came up the path
carrying suitcases.
'Good afternoon,' said the sister. She held up a ~ey. 'We
have come to fetch my sister's things . Florence.'
'Yes,' I said .
They let themselves into Florence's room. After a while I
foUowed. 'Is Florence all right?' I asked.
The sister, who had been unpacking a drawer, stood up
straight, breathing heavily. Cleady she relished this foohsh
- question.
'No, I cannot say she is aU right,' she said. 'Not all right.
How can she be all right?'
The other woman, pretending not to hear, continued to
fold baby-clothes . There was far more in the room than they
could carry in two suitcases.
'I didn't mean that,,' I said; 'but never mind. Can I ask you
to ta~e something to Flor•ence from me?'
. 105 .
'Yes, I can take it if it is not big.'
I wrote out a cheque.
'TeH Florence I am sorry. Tell her I am more sony than I
can say. I think of Bheki all the time.'
'You ar·e sorry . '
'Yes.'
I did not mean to spy. Eut I was wearing sHppers, the door
to Florence's room was open, his back was to me . He was
sitting on the bed, intent on some object he had in his hand .
When he heard me he gave a start and thrust it beneath the
bedclothes.
'What is it you have there?' I asked,
'his nothing,.' he said, giving me one ofhis forced stares.
I would not have pressed him had I not noticed that a length
of skirting-board had been prised from the wall and lay on
the floor, reveahng unplastered brickwork.
'What are you up to?' I said. 'Why are you puUing the room
to pieces?'
. I34 .
He was silent .
'Show me what you are hiding . . '
He shook his head.
I peered at the wall.. There was a gap in the brickwork
where a ventilator had been let in; through the gap one could
reach under the floorboards.
'Are you putting things under the floor?'
'I am not doing anything. '
I dialled the number florence had left. A child answered.
'Can I speak to Mrs Mkubukeli,' I said. Silence. 'Mrs Mkubu-
keli. Florence. . '
Murmurs, then a woman's voice: 'Who do you want to
speak to?'
'Mrs Mkubuke1i. Borence.'
'She is not here . '
'This is Mrs Curren,' I said, 'Mrs Mkubukeli used to work
for me. I am phoning about her son's friend, the boy who
caUs himselfJohn, I don't know his real name . It is important.
IfBorence is not there, can I speak to Mr Thabane?"
Again a [oug silence. Then a man's voice: 'Yes, this is
Thabane.'
'This is Mrs Curren. You remem her, we met. I am phoning
about Bheki's friend, from his schooL Perhaps you don't
know, but he has been in hospitaL'
'I know.'
'Now he has left the hospital, or :run away, and come here.
[ have reason to believe he has a weapon of some kind, I don't
know what exactly, which he and Eheki must have hidden
in florence's room. I think that is why he has come back.'
'Yes,' he said flatly.
'Mr Thabane, I am not asking you to assert authority over
the boy. Eut he is not welL He was quite badly injured. And
I think he is in an emotion.ally disturbed state. I don't know
how to get in touch with his family, I don't even know
whether he has family in Cape Town . He won't tell me . AU
. 135
I am asking is that someone should come and talk to him,
someone he trusts,. and take him away befor·e something
happens to him.'
'He is in an emotionaUy distmbed state. What do you
mean?'
'I mean he needs help. I mean he may not be responsible
for his actions. I mean he has had a blow to the head . I mean
I cannot take care of him,. it is beyond me.. Someone must
come.'
'I will see.'
'No, that is not good enough. I want an undertaking.'
'I will ask someone to fetch him. But 1 cannot teH you
when . '
'Today?'
'I cannot say today. Perhaps today, perhaps tomorrow. I
wm see.'
'Mr Thabane, let me make one thing dear to you. I am not
trying to prescribe to this boy or to anyone else what he
should do with his Hfe. He is old enough and self-wiHed
enough to do what he wiU do. But as for t.his killing, this
bloodletting in the name of.comradeship, I detest it with all my
heart and souL I think it is barbarous. That is what l want to
say.'
'This is not a good hne, Mrs Curren. Your voice is very
tiny, very tiny and very far away. I hope you can hear me . '
'I can hear you.'
'Good. Then let me say, Mrs Curren, I don't think you
understand very much about comradeship.'
'I understand enough, thank you . '
'No, you don't,' he said, quite certain of himself. 'When
you are body and soul in the struggle as these young people
are, when you are prepared to lay down your lives for each
~ther without question,. then a bond grows up that is stronger
than any bond you will know again. That is comradeship. I
see it every day with my own ey·es. My generation has
· 136 .
nothing that can compare. That is why we must stand back
for them,. for the youth. We st.and back but we stand behind
them . That is what you cannot understand, because you are
too far away. '
'I am far away, certainly,' I said,. 'far away and tiny .
Nevertheless, I fear I know comradeship all too welL The
Germans had comradeship, and the Japanese, and the Spar-
tans. Shaka's impis too, I am sure. Comradeship is nothing
but a mystique ofdeath, ofkiUing and dying., masquerading
as what yo~u call a bond (a bond of what? Love? I doubt it.)..
I have no sympathy with this comradeship . You are wrong,
you .and Florence and everyone else, to be taken in by it and,
worse, to encourage it iln children. II: is just another of those
icy, exclusive, death-driven male constructions. That is my
·--..:.-:,...__._.
~-,
opm10n.
More passed between us, but I won't repeat it. We ex-
changed opinions. We agreed to differ.
The .afternoon dragged on . No one came to fetch the boy.
I lay in bed, groggy with drugs., a cushion under my back,
trying with one sman adjustment after another to ease the
pain, longing for sleep,. dreading the dream of Borodilno.
The air thickened, it began to rain. From the blocked gutter
came a steady drip. The smell of cat urine wafted in from the
carpet on the landing . A tomb, I thought: a late bourgeois
tomb. My head turned this way and that. Grey hair on the
pillow, unwashed, lank. And in Florence's room, in the
growing dark, the boy, lying on his back with the bomb or
whatever it is in his hand, his eyes wide open, not veiled
now but dear: thinking, more than thinking, envisioning.
Envisioning the moment of glory when he will arise, fuUy
himself at last, erect, powerful, transfigured~ When the fiery
flower will unfold, when the pillar oCsmoke win rise. The
bomb on his chest like a talisman: as Christopher Columbus
lay in the dark ofhis cabin,. holding the compass to his chest,
the mystic instrument that would guide him to the Indies,
. 137 .
the Isles of the Blest. Troops of maidens with bared breasts
singing to him, opening their arms, as he wades to them
through the shallows holding before him the needle that never
wavers., that points forever in one direction, to the future .
Poor chitld! Poor child! From somewhere tears sprang and
blurred my sight. Poor John, who in the old days would have
been destined to be a garden boy and eat bread and jam for
lunch at the back door and drink out of a tin, battling now
for aU the insulted and injured,, the trampled, the ridiculed,
for aU the garden boys of South Africa!
. r6o .
. IV
,
•
I have had a(dream of Flor-
ence, a dream or vision. In the dream I s·ee her striding again
down Government A venue holding Hope by the hand and
carrying Beauty on her back.. All three of them wear masks.
I am there too, with a crowd of people of all kinds and
conditions gathered around me . The air is festive. I am to
provide a show:.
_l}1.1t Fforence does not stop to watch. Ga.ze fQCed ahead, she
passes as if through a congregation of wraiths.
The eyes of her mask are like eyes in pictures from the
ancient Medit,erranean: larg·e, oval, with the pupil in the
centre: the almond eyes of a goddess.
I stand in the middle of the avenue opposite the Parliament
buildings, circled by peopJ,e, doing my t!"ifks with fire. Over
me tower great oaks. But my mind is not on my tricks. lam
intent on Florence. Her dark coat, her dull dress have fallen
away . In a white slip ruffled by the wind, her feet hare, her
head bare, her right breast ba.re, she strides past, the one
child, masked, naked, trotting quickly beside her, the other
stretching an arm out over her shoulder,.pointing.
Who is this goddess who comes in a vision with uncover·ed
br·east cutting the air? lt is Aphrodite,' but not smile-loving
Aphrodite, patroness ofpleasures: an o~der figure, a f1gure of
· 163 ·
urgency, of cries in the dark, short and sharp, of blood and
earth, emerging for an instant, showing herself, passing.
From the goddess comes no caU,. no signal. Her eye is open
and is blank. She sees and does not see.
'---.-~-·--
'If you want to do something for me,' I said, 'you can fix the
aerial for the radio.'
'Don't you want me to bring the television up instead?'
'[haven't the stomach to watch te[evision. It will mak·e me
sick.'
'Television can't make you sick. It's just pictures.'
'There is no such thing as just pictures. There are men
behind the pictures. They send out their pictures to make
peopl·e sick. you know what r am talking about.'
'Pictures can't mak·e you sick . '
Sometimes he does this: contradicts me, provokes me,
chips away at me, watching for signs of irritation. It is his
way of teasing,. so dumsy, so unappealing that my heart quite
goes out to him.
'Fix the aerial, please, that's aU I ask.'
He went downstairs. Minutes later he came stamping up
with the television set in his arms. He plugged it in facing the
bed, switched it on,. fiddled with the aerial, stood aside.. lt
was mid-afternoon. Against blue sky a flag waved. A brass
band play·ed the anthem of the Republilc.
'Switch it off,' I said.
He turned the sound loud·er.
'Switch it off!' l screamed.
He wheeled, took in my angry glare . Then, to my surprise,
. 16) .
he began to do a litde shuffle. Swaying his hips, holding his
hands out, dicking his fingers,. he danced, unmistakably
danced, to music I never thought could be danced to. He was
mouthing words too. What were they?' Not, certainly, the
words I knew.
'Off!' I screamed again.
An old woman, toothless,. in a rage: I must have looked a
sight. He turned the sound down.
'Oif!'
He switched it ofT. 'Don't get so upset,' he murmured.
'Then don't be siUy, Vercueil. And don't make fun of me.
Don't trivialize me.'
'StiU,, why get in a state?'
'Becaus·e I am afraid of going to heU and having to listen
to Die :stem for aU et.ernity.'
He shook his head. 'Don't worry,' he said: 'it's all going
I:Q$;:r!d, Have patienoe.'
'I haven't got time for pati·ence. You may have time but I
haven't got time.'
Ag.ain he shook his head. 'Maybe you've also got time,' he
whisper·ed, and gave me his toothed leer.
For an instant it was as if the heavens opened and light
blaz.ed down. Hungry for good news after a lifetime of bad
news, un.able to help myself, I smiled hack. 'Really?' I said.
He nodded . Like two fools we grinned each at th.e other. He
clicked his fingers suggestively; awkward as a gannet, aU
feathers and bone,. he repeated a step of his dance. Then he
went out, dim bed the ladder andjoined the broken wire, and
[ had the radio again. .
But what was there to listen to? The airwaves so bulge
nowadays with the nations peddling their wares that music
is aU but squeezed out. I feU asJ,eep to An American in Paris
and awoke to a st•eady patter of morse. Where did it come
from? From a ship at sea? From some old-fashioned steamship
plying the waves between Walvis Bay .and Ascension Island?
· 166 ·
The dots and dashes foUowed on without hast·e, without
falter, in a stream that promised to flow till the cows came
home. Wh~t _was their message? Did it matter? Their patter,
like rain, a rain of meaning, comforted me, made the night
bearable as I by waiting for the hour to roll round for the
next pill.
I have the story now of how he lost the use of his fingers. It
was in an accident at sea. They had to abandon ship. In the
. !70 .
scramble his hand was caught in a pulley and crushed. AU
night he :floated on a raft with seven other men and a boy, in
agony. The next day they were picked up by a Russian trawler
.and his hand was given attention. But by then it was too late.
'Did you learn any Russian?' I asked.
All he remembered, he said, was xor:osho.
'No one mentioned Borodino?'
'I don't remember Borodino.'
'You didn't think of staying with the Russians?'
He looked at me strangdy.
He has never been to s·ea since then .
'Don't you miss the sea?' I asked. ,
'I'll never s•et foot in a boat again,' he replied decidedly.
'Why?'
'Because next time I won't be so lucky.'
'How do you know? If you had faith in yourself you could
walk on water. Don't you believe in the doings of faith?'
He was silent.
'Or a whirlwind would arrive and pluck you out of the
water and set you down on dry land . And there are always
dolphins. Dolphins r'escue drowning sailors, don't they? Why
did you become a sailor anyway?'
'You don't always think ahead. You don't always know.'
I pinched his ring finger lightly . 'Can't you feel anything?'
'No. The nerves are dead . . '
1
I always knew he had a story to tell, and now he begins to ,
tdl it, starting with the~frrigers of one hand. A mariner's
story.. Do [ believe it? Verily,. I do not care . There is no lie
that does not have at its cor·e some truth... One must only
know how to listen.
' He has worked at the docks too,. lifting things., loading
thlngs . . One day,. he said, unloading a crate, they smeUed
something bad and opened it and found the body of a man,.
a stowaway who had starved to death in his hiding-place.
'Where did he come from?' I asked .
· 171 ·
'China. A long way away.'
He has also worked for the SPCA, at theilr kennels.
'Was that where you got to like dogs?'
'I always got on with dogs.'
'Did you have a dog as a child?'
'Mm,' he said,. meaning nothing. Early on he decided he
could get away with choosing which of my questions to hear,
which not to hear.
Nevertheless, pi·eoe by piece} put together the story of a
life as obscure as any on earth. What is in store for him next,
I wonder, when the ·episode of the old woman in the big
house is over with? One hand crippled, unable to do aU its
offices . His saHor's skill with knots lost. Not dextrous any
more, nor fuUy decent. In the middle years ofhis course, and
at his side no wife. Alone: s.toksielalleen: a stick in an empty
field., a soul alone, sole. Who will watch over him?
'What will you do with yourself when [ am gone?'
'I wiU go on.'
'I am sure you will; but who will there be in your life?'
Cautiously he smiled. 'Do I need somebody in my life?'
Not a riposte. A real quesdon. He does not know. He is
asking me, this rudimentary man.
'Yes. [ would say you need a wife, if the idea does not
strike you as eccentric. Even that woman you brought here.,
as long as there is feeling for her in your heart.'
He shook his head.
'Nev·er mind. It is not marriage I am talking about but
something else. I would promise to watch over you,, except
that I have no firm idea of what is possible after death. Perhaps
there win be no watching over allowed, or v·ery litde. All
these places have their rules, _and, whatever one may wish, it
may not be possible to get around them. There may not even
be secrets allowed, secret watching. There may be no way of
keeping a space in the heart private for you or anyone else.
All may be erased. AIL It is a terrible thought. Enough to
. 172 .
make one rebel, to make one say: If that is how things are to
be, I withdraw: here is my ticket,. I am handing it back. But
I do~bt-~~~y~much that the handing back of tickets will be
allowed, for whatev·er reason.
'That is why you should not be so alone. Because I may
have to go away entirely.'
He sat on the bed with his back to me,. bent over, gripping
the dog's head between his knees, stroking it.
'Do you understand me?'
'Mm.' The mm that could mean yes but in fact means
nothing.
'No, you don't. You don't understand at an. his not the
prospect of your solitude that appals me. It is the prospect of
my own.'
Every day he goes off to do the shopping. In the evenings
he cooks, then hovers over me, watching to see that I eat. I
am never hungry but haven't the heart to teU him. 'I find it
hard to eat while you watch,' I say as gently as I can, then
hide the food and feed it to the dog.
His favourite concoction is white br,ead fded in egg with
tuna on the bread and tomato sauce on the tuna . I wish I had
had the foresight to give him cooking lessons.
Though he has the whole house to spread himself in, he
lives, in effect, with me in my room. He drops empty packets,
old wrapping papers on the floor. When there is a dra.ught
tbc;:y scud around like ghosts. 'Take the rubbish away,' I
plead. 'I will,' he promis·es, and sometimes does, but then
leaves more.
We share a bed, folded one upon the other like a page
folded in two,. Iike two wings folded: old mates., bunkmates,
conjoined, conjugaL Lectus genialis, lectus adversus. His toe-
nails, when he takes offhis shoes, are yeUow, almost brown,
like horn. Feet that he keeps out of water for fear of falling:
falling into depths where he cannot breathe. A dry creature,
a creature of air, like those locust-fairies in Shakespeare with
. 173 .
their whipstock of cricket's bone, lash of spider-film. Huge
swarms of them borne out to sea on the wind, out of sight
-oniitid;tiri;;g, settling one upon another upon another,
resolving to drown the Adantic by their numbers.
Swallowed, aJl of them, to the last. Britde wings on the
sea-floor .sighing like a forest of leaves; dead eyes by the
mill:ion; and the crabs moving among them, clutching, grind-
ing.
He snores.
From t:he side of her shadow husband your mother writes .
Forgive me if the picture offends you. One must love what
is nearest. One must love what is to hand, as a dog loves.
MrsV.
1986-89