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Characteristics of a Spirit-filled Marriage

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is
the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so
also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ
loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with
water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle
or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own
body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the churchfor we are members of his
body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two
will become one flesh. This is a profound mysterybut I am talking about Christ and the church.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect
her husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33
What are characteristics of a Spirit-filled marriage?
In Ephesians 5:18, Paul calls for the Ephesians to be filled with the Spirit. This means to be controlled
and empowered by the Spirit of God. This is a command for all believers of all ages. What God has called
us to, he equips us for by his Spirit. This happens as we yield in obedience to God, as we abide in his
Word (Col 3:16), as we worship, etc.
Then in Ephesians 5:19-21, he gives both results and means of being filled. It is worship as we sing
Psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to the Lord. It is gratitude as we give thanks to God in everything. And
finally, it is submission to one another. Submission (hupotass) means to relinquish ones
rights submission is to be a voluntary response to Gods will in giving up ones independent rights to
other believers in general and to ordained authority in particularin this case the wifes own husband.1
We will see this Spirit-filled submission in several ways throughout the rest of the book. Wives are called to
submit to their husband, children to their parents, and slaves to their master.
Therefore, in this text, we see characteristics of a Spirit-filled marriage. When couples are walking in the
Spirit and being controlled by him, they will see wonderful fruits in marriage. With that said, we should
understand how radical this message was to the Ephesians. Pagan marriages and families in general
were in shambles. Kent Hughes shared this about marriage in the pagan world:
Demosthenes [a prominent Greek statesman and orator] said, We have courtesans [prostitutes]
for the sake of pleasure; we have concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation; we have
wives for the purpose of having children legitimately, and of having a faithful guardian for
all our household affairs. Xenophon [a Greek historian] said it was the husbands aim that a
wife might see as little as possible, hear as little as possible and ask as little as possible.
Similarly Socrates said, Is there anyone to whom you entrust more serious matters than to
your wife and is there anyone to whom you talk less? The ancient pagan man breathed
adultery. The marriage bond was virtually meaningless. It was better with the Jews, of course,
1 MacArthur, J. F., Jr. (1986). Ephesians (p. 280). Chicago: Moody Press.

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except that the ultra-liberal and very popular school of Hillel allowed a man to divorce his wife for
virtually anything like putting too much salt in his food or becoming less attractive in his eyes. 32
In the pagan world, marriage was broken, and Paul speaks directly to the Ephesians and calls them to
restore it by returning to Gods original design for marriage.
Marriage in our society is not much better. Around fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Marriage
is so pitiful in our society that many couples refuse to marry and would rather simply live together.
Others prefer open relationships without the promise of commitment.
How can we have the marriages God originally planned for mankind? In order to fix what is broken, God
has given us his Spirit, and when we are being filled with the Spirit, we will see these fruits in marriage.
In this study, we will consider three characteristics of a Spirit-filled marriage.
Big Question: What does a Spirit-filled marriage look like? How does the Spirit affect the wife and the
husband according to Ephesians 5:22-33?

In a Spirit-filled Marriage, the Wife Submits to Her Husband

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is
the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so
also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:22-24
Paul says, Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Unfortunately, submission carries a nasty
connotation in our society, but it must be noted that submission does not mean inferiority. Submit is
actually a military word. The word simply means, to arrange under ranki and to come up under. A
sergeant is not inferior to a captain. They are equal. However, to have order in the military, authority
must exist in the relationship or chaos will ensue. In the same way, when God made the husband and
wife relationship, he made it with order so that it functions properly.
Whats interesting in this passage is that Paul gives the wife reasons why she needs to submit. Since
God is our sovereign, he does not have to give us reasons, but here in this text, he does.
Observation Question: What reasons does Paul give for the wife submitting to her husband? How is this
reflected in the rest of Scripture?
1. Wives must submit to their husband because it is their duty to Christ.
When he says, Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord, it means that this is part of the Christian
wifes duty to Christ. When she submits to her husband, she is submitting to Christ.

2 Hughes, R. K. (1990). Ephesians: the mystery of the body of Christ (p. 190). Wheaton, IL: Crossway
Books.

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Submission is really an obedience issue to God. It has nothing to do with the husbands ability to
lead or his IQ. Many wives are more fit to lead than the husband. The submission of the wife has
everything to do with God.
With that said, this should make a single woman more particular in considering whom to marry. She
must ask herself, Is this somebody I am willing to submit to spiritually, financially, socially, and in
every other area of life? Who a woman marries is the second most important decision of her life
after following Christ. This decision should not just be made emotionally, it must be very practical.
It also speaks to single men seeking a wife. They must ask this about a female they are considering as
a potential wife, Is she faithfully submitting to Christ? If she does submit to the greater, she will not
faithfully submit to the lesser.
The wife must submit to her husband because it is her duty in following Christ.
2. Wives must submit to their husband because he is her head.
What does Paul mean by using the term head? It is a common term that we use today. If we say that
someone is the head of a company or an organization, it means he is the authority. Similarly, the
husband is the head of the wife.
Interpretation Question: Is Pauls teaching of the headship of the husband over the wife cultural or timeless
meant to be applied today?
Trinitarian Argument
Some say that Pauls reference to the mans headship was just a cultural thing that has no
applications for today, but this is not true. Many Scriptures demonstrate that this is applicable today, most
notably 1 Corinthians 11:3, 1 Timothy 2:11-13, and the creation narrative in Genesis 2.
In 1 Corinthians 11:3, Paul describes the headship of man over the wife by comparing them to Christ
and God. He says, Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the
woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. When God made Adam and Eve, he made them in his
image and also one fleshone body (Gen 2:24). But in the body, there is order. The head leads the
rest of the body. Paul says the headship of man in creation is analogous to the headship of God over
Christ. In the analogy, the woman pictures Christ who is co-equal to God the Father, but submits to
him. When God made man and woman in his image, he made the relationship to operate in perfect love
and perfect submission as seen in the Trinity.
Order of Creation Argument
Similarly, in 1 Timothy 2:11-13, Paul makes the argument that a woman should not have the role of
teacher over a church (probably referring to the elder/pastor role, cf. 1 Tim 3:1-7, Titus 1:6-9), and there,
he does not make a cultural argument but a creation one. Consider the text: A woman should learn in
quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must
be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve.

Pauls argument is that the roles established in the New Testament are not because of the Fall or
culture, it was the way God created man and woman in the Garden of Eden. The creation of Adam
first before Eve was significant. It meant that he was her head. She was made from his side to be his
helper in ruling and subduing the world for God.
Adam Naming Eve
Further evidence of this is seen in Adam naming his wife. In Genesis 2, before Eve was created, God
parades all the animals before Adam and tells him to name them. This naming represents his leadership
over the animals. However, right after God makes Eve from his rib, Adam names her, woman. He then
names her specifically Eve in Genesis 3. Again, this demonstrates his headship over her. Naming in our
society has the same connotation.
The woman must submit to her husband not just because God commands, but because God made the
husband to be the head of the wife. A home where the wife does not submit to her husband is like an
arm that will not submit its head. God made order in the body, and he made it in the home.
3. Wives must submit to their husband because marriage symbolizes Christs relationship to the
church.
Then, Paul says, For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of
which he is the Savior. In the same way the church submits to Christ, the wife is called to submit to
her husband. From creation, God made marriage to model this present reality of Christ and the
church. Paul will deal with this analogy more later in the text. In verse 32, he calls it a profound mystery.
It is easy to understand the analogy of the husband being the head of the wife as Christ is the head of
church. But, how is the man the wifes savior? David Guziks comments about Lloyd-Jones views on this
text are helpful:
Lloyd-Jones thinks Paul used the wider understanding of the word Savior, which can simply mean
preserver. 1 Timothy 4:10 speaks of Jesus being the Savior of all men, especially of those who
believe. How can Jesus be the Savior of all men? In the sense that He preserves all men and
blesses all men with good things from heaven above. It is in this way that husbands are to be
their wifes savior What, then, is the doctrine? It is clearly this. The wife is the one who is kept,
preserved, guarded, shielded, provided for by the husband.3
This is a reason that the wife should submit to her husbandhe is her savior in the sense that he
guards, protects, and provides for her, even as Christ does his church. A Christian marriage is
called to be a gospel message that evangelizes everyone around. The husband sacrificially loves his
wife like Christ, and she submits to him like the church. The union itself is meant to model and glorify God.
But believers are not just called model God in a good marriage, but even a bad marriage. In the story
of Hosea, God tells him to marry a woman that would eventually cheat on him. After this happens, God
3 Guzik, David (2012-11-26). Galatians and Ephesians (Kindle Locations 5895-5896). Enduring Word Media. Kindle Edition.

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says that he must take her back, for in the same way she cheated, Israel cheated on him and yet he
took her back.
This teaches that a Christian marriage is more for God and his glory than our own, and when we
understand this, it should radically change how we act in marriage. We should continually ask ourselves,
Are my actions reflecting Gods forgiveness, patience, and love? Am I honoring God through my
actions? There is a sense in which we cannot control the actions of our spouse, but we can control
how we respond to those actions. We must bring every thought and response before the litmus test
of Gods Word and Gods character. Lord, we are here to glorify you. Our life is not about our
happiness, but about your happiness. Lord, help us be faithful reflections of you.
Interpretation Question: What is the extent of the wifes submission?
In Ephesians 5:24, Paul says, Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to
their husbands in everything. Essentially, the extent of the womans submission is in everything.
However, in everything must be qualified by his original command, Wives submit to your husbands as
to the Lord (v. 23). The wife must not do anything that would dishonor God. If the husband commands
her to lie on taxes, she must refuse. If the husband commands her to not go to church, read her Bible,
or worship, she must refuse. Her first priority is to follow God. And in following God, it should
ultimately make her a better wife to her husband.
This principle is very important especially when it comes to arguments and fighting. The woman is not
to be a doormat. She is made in the image of God and her input is important and valuable, and a
godly husband will recognize and cherish that reality. However, when the husband asks her to do
something that is not sinful and against God, she should submit. Yes, it may be foolish. She should in
an honorable way make her opinion known and pray for her husband, but ultimately, she should
submit to him and trust Gods work in his life. This also includes scenarios where a believing wife is
married to an unbeliever. First Peter 3:1-2 says this:
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the
word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity
and reverence of your lives.
Now, ultimately, both the husband and wife are called to submit to Christ as Lord . When this is
happening in a marriage, typically the husband and wife will at some point be on the same page about
decisions. It may happen at different paces. They must be patient and prayerful as they wait. This is part
of Gods sanctification process in couples, as they seek the Lord together and wait on discerning his will.
Application Question: Why is the submission of the wife to her husband so important? What are some
common reactions to this teaching in society and often in the church? How should a single woman apply
this principle in seeking a future mate?

In a Spirit-filled Marriage, the Husband Loves His Wife

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Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her
holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a
radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same
way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does
the churchfor we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and
mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery
but I am talking about Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:25-32
What about the role of the husband? First, let us notice he does not call the husband to make the wife
submit to him. Submission must be voluntary. The abuse of wives by the husband seen throughout the
ages is not Gods will. It is a result of the curse. In Genesis 3:16, one of the results of the curse was that the
woman would desire her husband (meaning to control him) and the husband would rule over her (an
oppressive, forceful rule). However, Christ came to restore Gods original design for marriage, and he gives
us his Spirit to equip us for this.
Paul calls for the husband to love his wife. He uses the word agape, which is often used of Gods
love. This is not an emotional love; it is an act of the will. Believers are called to agape their enemies
(Matt 5:44). And if this is possible, certainly, husbands can agape their wives no matter the situation.
I really struggle when Christian husbands or wives tell me they just dont feel like they love their
spouse any more. In response, I say, What does feelings have to do with it? God has commanded you to
love your spouse. He commands it and empowers it (cf. Rom 5:5, Gal 5:22). This is an obedience issue,
not a feeling issue.
With that said, it should be remembered that in the ancient context Pauls command was pretty
radical. Husbands had very little regard for their wives and to love them would have sounded
ridiculous.
In Jewish and Greek culture, the woman had little to no rights. She was a piece of property meant to
serve the husband. Therefore, Pauls teachings ran against the sway of culture. The husband was
commanded to love his wife as Christ loves the church.
It must be remembered that the husband is given an impossible standard. No one can love just like
Christ. This means that no husband will ever be able to say, I made it! or feel satisfied with the love
he displays to his wife. Every husband falls woefully short of this impossible standard. However,
seeking to reach it must be his continual endeavor.
Interpretation Question: What characteristics of the husbands love can be discerned from Ephesians 5:25
28?
1. The husbands love must be realistic.
The husband should have no unrealistic fantasies about the woman he married. Christ loved the
church and died for her while she was a sinner and an enemy of God (Rom. 5:8). Christ knew she was
sinful and disobedient. Yet, he still gave his life for her while knowing her faults. His love was realistic.

In a marriage, both mates should understand this reality. In fact, much of premarital counseling is
destroying the false expectations set up through romantic comedies and Hollywood. The husband must
love realistically; this woman has been infected by sin just as the man has. She must be reformed
daily by Gods grace, and she must be loved through her faults. Scripture says, Love covers a multitude of
sins (1 Peter 4:8). Having a realistic love is important for both mates, because if they dont have it,
they will become disillusioned. I have no doubt that the reason the highest number of divorces happen in
the first year of marriage is because most love is unrealistic.
2. The husbands love must be sacrificial.
He is to love her as Christ loved the church and be willing to die for her. Again, it should be
remembered that if anybody feels like the wifes role is unfair, they should give more thought to the
husbands. It is much easier to submit to someone than to give ones life for that person. This love
that the husband is supposed to embody is impossible without the grace of God.
To love sacrificially means the husband must at times give up other things to serve and please his wife.
He must sacrifice for her. He must sacrifice time, entertainment, friendships, and sometimes even
career in order to love his wife. It is sad to see how many husbands, because of career, are not even home
to love their wives or their children.
3. The husbands love must be sanctifying.
Christs love makes the church holy by cleansing her with the Word. Christs purpose is to make her the
perfect bride. Similarly, the husband must love his wife through teaching her Scripture, getting her
involved in a Bible-preaching church, encouraging her to get involved with small groups and
ministries where she can grow and serve. He must seek to cultivate not only her character but also
her calling so she can fulfill Gods plans on her life.
He must discern her gifts and talents and encourage her in the use of those for the glory of God .
This love also means at times admonishing her, through the Word, to help her know Christ more. It is
a sanctifying love. Every man should consider if he is ready and willing to love a woman this way
before getting married. Is he ready to be a spiritual leader?
4. The husbands love must be humble.
When Paul says, washing with water, this seems to picture the job of a servant, and it may
specifically reflect Christ washing the feet of the disciples in John 13. In John 13, Christ goes into a home
with his disciples and then begins to wash their feet. This was the job of a slave or the lowest person in the
house. Christ humbles himself and cleans his disciples. This is also the job of the husband. Though he is
the head, he uses his headship not to dominate or command his wife, but to, in humility, serve his wife. He
must continually be concerned about her emotional, physical, social, and spiritual needs and work
to meet those needs. The husbands love must be humble and serving.
5. The husbands love must be personal.

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He must love her as his own body. Ephesians 5:28 says, In this same way, husbands ought to love their
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. David Guzik said this about Pauls
command:
The single word as is important. Paul did not say, So ought men to love their wives in the
same way as they love their bodies. That would be an improvement in many cases, but that is
not the meaning. The meaning is, So ought men to love their wives because they are their
own bodies. i. A man must love his wife as he would his body, as a part of himself. As Eve was a
part of Adam, taken out of his side, so the wife is to the man because she is a part of him. 4
Martin Lloyd Jones adds:
The husband must realize that his wife is a part of himself. He will not feel this instinctively; he
has to be taught it; and the Bible in all its parts teaches it. In other words, the husband must
understand that he and his wife are not two: they are one. 5
In fact, it seems as though Paul is appealing to mans selfish nature when he says, How who loves his
wife loves himself (v.28). Sadly, this is a motivation that many of us men need. When we love our wives,
we actually benefit ourselves. We bless our own lives. And when we dont, it hurts us. It is like a
person neglecting a fractured leg; eventually, the fracture hardens and cripples the person long
term. This is also true for the husband who is not ministering to his wife; he actually hurts himself
presently and long term.
The husbands love must realistic, sacrificial, sanctifying, humble, and personal. Husbands must love their
wives and daily take time to cultivate a Christ-centered home.
Application Question: What aspects of the husbands love was most challenging and why? How will you
apply these principles in your marriage or in your singleness?

In a Spirit-filled Marriage, the Husband and Wife Meet Each Others Deepest Need
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect
her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
Interpretation Question: Why does Paul focus on the husbands need for respect and the wifes need for
love? Dont they both need love and respect?
Finally, Paul gives a summary statement of the husbands and the wifes duty: The husband must love
his wife and the wife must respect her husband. To respect means the wife esteems and honors her
husband, even when he doesnt deserve it.
4 Guzik, David (2012-11-26). Galatians and Ephesians (Kindle Locations 6140-6146). Enduring Word
Media. Kindle Edition.
5 Guzik, David (2012-11-26). Galatians and Ephesians (Kindle Locations 6150-6152). Enduring Word Media. Kindle Edition.

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What makes this interesting is that he doesn't call the woman to love her husband. Certainly, it's
assumed, but he probably says this because respect is the chief thing that a man needs. If the wife
talks down to the husband, she cuts him at his greatest need. In the same way, when the husband
doesnt love his wife, when he doesnt speak encouraging words to her and sacrifice for her, he cuts her
down at her greatest need, love. The woman needs love and the man needs respect. When the
house is out of order, they both deprive one another of these things.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, in his book Love and Respect, talks about how research shows that when a
husband and wife are in conflict, 83% of the men feel disrespected and 70% of the women feel
unloved. This seems to support the necessity of a man demonstrating daily his "love" for his wife,
and the need for the wife to always respect her husband.
In a Spirit-filled marriage, certainly the wife loves her husband and the husband respects his wife, but
in a special way, they meet their core needs. Wives especially need love and husbands especially need
respect. Scripture seems to emphasize this and so does research.
Application Question: Do you think there is a major difference in the psychology of men and women as far
as women needing love and men needing respect? If so, in what way have you seen or experienced it? If
not, why not?

Conclusion
As we consider these characteristics, we must remember that these only come through a work of the
Spirit. A marriage needs God to function correctlyit needs the Spirit of God to empower both
mates.
Marriage has often been compared to a triangle with God at the peak and the husband and the wife on
the sides. As the husband and the wife get closer to God, they get closer to one another. As we abide in
the Spirit through prayer, time in the Word, fellowship, the fruits of the Spirit are born in our marriages.
What are characteristics of a Spirit-filled marriage?
1. In a Spirit-filled Marriage, the Wife Submits to Her Husband
2. In a Spirit-filled Marriage, the Husband Loves His Wife
3. In a Spirit-filled Marriage, the Husband and Wife Meet Each Others Deepest Need

i W. W. Wiersbe, The Bible Exposition Commentary. (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1996).