2

LISTENING SKILLS

2.1

The Lynchpin of Communication

Listening can be described as a skill that involves receiving, interpreting and responding to the message
sent by the communicator. Like any other skill, listening also needs to be learnt and developed for
effective communication. It is, in fact, one of the most important skills that plays a vital role in the
breakdown of communication or wrong, improper and incomplete communication. Message can be lost,
misunderstandings may crop up and people perceive or may be perceived wrongly.
A vital skill in becoming an effective communicator is the ability to listen. Listening skills are not taught
in school, and sadly are largely undeveloped skill in many people. To listen effectively is a powerful skill
that can be learnt and practiced. You will gain more respect and esteem through listening rather than
through talking.
It's funny how sometimes you associate a certain phrase with someone. I knew someone called Ray and
what I remember about him the most was when he was listening to someone talk he would keep saying "I
hear you" I would wonder whether he was saying that because he heard, but disagreed with what the
person was saying, or if it was a noncommittal filler.
There is however a great difference between hearing and listening. Hearing refers to the physical
dimension of the sound waves striking the ear and the brain processing them into meaningful
information. Listening, however, involves far more than the hearing process. It incorporates paying
attention and focusing with the intention of understanding and responding appropriately.
The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and to be understood. The best way to
understand people is to listen to them. Not only that but when people feel that you have really listened to
them, you will gain their respect and they will value and give you the credibility to speak.
Consider how you feel when you sense someone is really listening to what you have to say. You feel good,
you feel understood, and more connected to the person who is listening. The fact that they are interested
causes you to feel cared for.
The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and to be understood. The best way to
understand people is to listen to them.
One important element of listening is the ability to attend. Attending is the process where we focus in on
a message and filter out others that are distracting. It is to be able to focus on what the person is saying,
and filter out all the other things that may be happening at the same time.
Someone once said (his name was anonymous) that the reason history repeats itself is because no one was
listening the first time. When I first heard that, I realized history always repeating in my house especially
around bedtime! That is the time when my kids practice attending. They focus on what they are doing
(and it's not homework) and filter me out as a distraction each time I remind them that it's bedtime!

One of the biggest distractions to attending is our desire to talk. The desire to talk is so strong that while
the other person is talking we can be thinking about what we are going to say next, and waiting for an
opportunity to speak. As we focus on what we are going to say or interject, our attention goes from what
the person is saying to our own thoughts. Although appearing to be interested and attentive, we can
easily be distracted by our thoughts or something else that may be happening at the same time. At that
point perhaps we do fall into merely hearing and not listening. Our mind's attention has drifted onto
other things and is no longer intent on understanding and responding.
True listening is a skill which needs to be learnt and practiced because the mind functions seven times
more quickly than it is possible to speak. Therefore the mind needs to be slowed down and focused on
what the person is saying, and not pay attention to other irrelevant thoughts or distractions.
One of my all time favorite books is "The Success Principles" written by Jack Canfield. One of the
Principles he writes about in the book is how to use the power of listening as a way of building rapport
and connecting with people. Jack created a series of four questions that he uses in personal and business
situations. He asks the questions one after another. The first time he tried it was with his sister Kim. He
asked the first question and listened to her response. When she had finished he asked the next question,
and continued in this manner through all the questions. Afterwards Kim smiled said to him "That's the
best conversation I think we've ever had. I feel so clear and focused. I know exactly what I need to go and
do now. Thank you" He was amazed as he hadn't said a word except to ask the four questions, and had
resisted the inclination to jump in with his own responses. He has found this works everytime and uses
the questions frequently.
I have used this strategy, but by using my own questions and have been amazed at the results. Not only
have the questions given me a greater understanding of the person, but through the fact of actively
listening to people without commenting or putting my 2 cents worth in they have experienced
encouragement and a sense of connectedness. I now make sure that I ask questions and listen more than I
speak.
I want you to take a moment now to think of a question that you could use to practice actively listening,
and resist the impulse to speak. When you have the opportunity, use your question or questions and
experience the power of building rapport with others through the power of listening.
People need to practice and acquire skills to be good listeners, because a speaker cannot throw you
information in the same manner that a dart player tosses a dart at a passive dartboard. Information is an
intangible substance that must be sent by the speaker and received by an active listener.

The Face It Solution for Effective Listening

Many people are familiar with the scene of the child standing in front of dad, just bursting to tell him
what happened in school that day. Unfortunately, dad has the paper in front of his face and even when he
drops the paper down half-way, it is visibly apparent that he is not really listening.
A student solved the problem of getting dad to listen from behind his protective paper wall. Her solution
was to say, "Move your face, dad, when I'm talking to you.'' This simple solution will force even the
poorest listener to adopt effective listening skills because it captures the essence of good listening.

Good Listeners Listen with Their Faces

The first skill that you can practice to be a good listener is to act like a good listener. We have spent a lot of
our modern lives working at tuning out all of the information that is thrust at us. It therefore becomes
important to change our physical body language from that of a deflector to that of a receiver, much like a
satellite dish. Our faces contain most of the receptive equipment in our bodies, so it is only natural that
we should tilt our faces towards the channel of information.
A second skill is to use the other bodily receptors besides your ears. You can be a better listener when you
look at the other person. Your eyes pick up the non-verbal signals that all people send out when they are
speaking. By looking at the speaker, your eyes will also complete the eye contact that speakers are trying
to make. A speaker will work harder at sending out the information when they see a receptive audience in
attendance. Your eyes help complete the communication circuit that must be established between speaker
and listener.
When you have established eye and face contact with your speaker, you must then react to the speaker by
sending out non-verbal signals. Your face must move and give the range of emotions that indicate
whether you are following what the speaker has to say. By moving your face to the information, you can
better concentrate on what the person is saying. Your face must become an active and contoured catcher
of information.
It is extremely difficult to receive information when your mouth is moving information out at the same
time. A good listener will stop talking and use receptive language instead. Use the I see . . . un hunh . . . oh
really words and phrases that follow and encourage your speaker's train of thought. This forces you to
react to the ideas presented, rather than the person. You can then move to asking questions, instead of
giving your opinion on the information being presented. It is a true listening skill to use your mouth as a
moving receptor of information rather than a broadcaster.
A final skill is to move your mind to concentrate on what the speaker is saying. You cannot fully hear their
point of view or process information when you argue mentally or judge what they are saying before they
have completed. An open mind is a mind that is receiving and listening to information.
If you really want to listen, you will act like a good listener. Good listeners are good catchers because they
give their speakers a target and then move that target to capture the information that is being sent. When
good listeners aren't understanding their speakers, they will send signals to the speaker about what they
expect next, or how the speaker can change the speed of information delivery to suit the listener. Above
all, a good listener involves all of their face to be an active moving listener.

Things to Remember
1.

If you are really listening intently, you should feel tired after your speaker has finished. Effective
listening is an active rather than a passive activity.

2.

When you find yourself drifting away during a listening session, change your body position and
concentrate on using one of the above skills. Once one of the skills is being used, the other active
skills will come into place as well.

2.2

3.

Your body position defines whether you will have the chance of being a good listener or a good
deflector. Good listeners are like poor boxers: they lead with their faces.

4.

Meaning cannot just be transmitted as a tangible substance by the speaker. It must also be
stimulated or aroused in the receiver. The receiver must therefore be an active participant for the
cycle of communication to be complete.

Hearing and Listening

Most of the problems discussed above, crop up because we do not distinguish between the two activities,
listening and hearing. Hearing is primarily a physical act that depends on the ears. Unless there is a
physical disability or problems such as noise or distance, it happens automatically. It requires no special
effort as such from the listener. Listening, on the other hand, is a much more conscious activity that
demands a lot more than just hearing. It requires the conscious involvement of the listener, the
acknowledgement of understanding and response. The listener here has to hear, analyse, judge and
conclude. When a person listens, he/she is constructing a parallel message based on the sound clues
received from the speaker and verifying whether his/her message corresponds with what he/she hears.
Hence, listening is an active process in which the listener plays a very active part in constructing the
overall message that is eventually exchanged between the listener and the speaker. It is a process that
equally engages the speaker as well as the listener. Even as the listener is listening, he/she has to process
the facts, study the body language of the speaker and also project the appropriate body language to the
speaker. The speaker, in turn, has to cognize the feedback given by listener and respond. It is, in other
words, like a see-saw, where both the listener and the speaker monitor one anothers response and then
act. A person who listens well and engineers appropriate body language, is seen as a good
conversationalist even though he actually speaks less. This is active listening.

2.3

Active Listening

Most of the problems in listening arise because of the discrepancy in our speeds of talking and listening.
On an average, we can speak around 120 to words 150 words a minute. But the brain is capable of
processing 500 to 750 words a minute. Most of the brain is idle when we are just listening. Attention thus
gets dissipated and the mind starts getting engaged in other things. As a result, our listening becomes
partial and selective. Often again, instead of listening and trying to understand what the other person is
saying, we get more involved in forming our counter-arguments. This also becomes a kind of selective
listening where more than listening we are involved in our own response. In effective and active listening,
the listener, after grasping the content the speaker, gets engaged in trying to understand him/her. He/she
looks at the problem from the other persons perspective, engineers appropriate body language while
giving the speaker constant feedback. This process, as mentioned earlier, is as engaging as talking. Thus,
it leaves no empty space in the listeners mind for speculation or formation of anti-discourse.

2.4

Kinds of Listening

The exercises make it evident that there are different kinds of listening. Depending on the quality,
listening has been divided into four types.

i.
Ignoring
ii.
Selective Listening
iii.
Attentive Listening
iv.
Empathetic
Ignoring:
This is the kind of listening where the listener is entirely ignoring the message as well as
the message giver. He/she might be pretending to listen while doing or thinking something else. This
can be very damaging because the listeners lack of participation becomes evident through the body
language. The speaker might feel snubbed and hurt, which might lead to a total breakdown of
communication. The same preoccupation might also result in the listener not noticing the reaction of the
speaker.
Selective Listening:
Selective Listening is listening to parts of the conversation while ignoring most of
it. This is the kind of listening we practice often while listening to repeated public announcements or even
the TV news if we are looking out for some specific information. If we are waiting for news about the
cancellation of trains on a certain route, for example, extensive coverage about a cricket match or whether
it is most likely to be at the fringe of hearing. We register the broad topic at times but the details are
ignored. The brain registers the topics and then dismisses them or just shuts off.
This often happens in classrooms too. Many students practice selective listening. Rarely is the whole
lecture listened to, with the same intensity. Individual students pick up topics of their concern or interest
in a lecture and pay close attention to it. The rest of the content is either given peripheral attention or
ignored.
It is interesting to note the way the body language changes instantaneously when the listener
moves from the non-listening to the listening phase. The facial expression becomes more focused. The
eyes, especially, show a lot more concentration. The listener might even lean forward in the chair or
towards the speaker or might straighten up and turn towards the direction the message is coming from.
When the message has been observed, the body language relaxes visibly. This can be noticed in the
slumping of the shoulders and diminishing eye-contact. During any conversation, it is very important for
the speaker to look out for these signs. If the listener or listeners are listening only selectively, the
structuring of he content may need to be altered; the material be made more relevant, or repetitions be
altered; the material be made more relevant, or repetitions be avoided. But if you are a listener engaged in
conversation with a speaker, beware. Your body language will most probably give away that you are
listening only partially!
Attentive Listening:
Attentive listening is a kind of listening where there is no selective dismissal. The
listener listens to the speaker completely, attentively, without glossing over or ignoring any part of the
speech. This is the kind of listening we find when there is a discussion, for example, on a topic we are
interested in or we are critically examining a piece of information for further discussion. Critical listening
allows us to from an opinion of the topic being discussed and even designs our response appropriately. It
allows us to assess the perspective of the speaker and weigh the arguments appropriately.
Empathetic Listening: This is the ultimate kink of listening that is done not just to listen but to
understand the speakers world as he sees it. Here, one empathises with the speaker, understands his
viewpoint but does not necessarily agree with him. This kind of listening has an almost therapeutic effect
on both the speaker and the listener.
Empathetic listening is different from attentive listening or critical listening. As Stephen covey
puts it, here listening gets into another persons frame of reference. It is listening not only with ones ears

but ones heart. To quote Covey again, you listen for feeling, for meaning. You use both your right brain
as well as your left. You sense, you intuit, you feel.
This is the kind of listening a friend gives to another friend when the later feels the need to speak or a
sympathetic parent gives to the growing child if he/she has come back from school troubled.

2.5
i.

ii.

iii.

iv.

v.

Reasons for Ineffective Listening

Physical Reasons:
One chief cause of bad listening could be a persons inability to hear properly.
Noise and distance too could become barriers to listening properly or not listening at all. Anyone who has
tried talking on a running train or pass a message to someone across a crowded street has experienced
what a physical barrier could be.
Age and Attitude:
Age and attitude are sometimes reasons for not listening well. A four-year-old
childs constant conversation is likely to be ignored by most parents. A teenaged some or daughter is
likely to ignore the parents constant caution about driving rules. Different of age often makes one feel
that the person speaking cannot possibly have anything interesting or relevant to say. This often creates
an attitudinal block, which results in the listener ignoring he message or assimilating it partially.
Mind-set:
Sometimes the listener is already conditioned to think that the speaker will adopt a
particular attitude or a line of argument. If a conversation begins with this kind of mind-set, it is obvious
that no listening or communication will take place. The listener might entirely ignore what the speaker
will say or listen to only what he/she thinks the speaker will say. Meanings here will be wrongly inferred
and vital parts of the conversation will be skipped.
This kind of a mind-set can be extremely harmful in both professional and personal interactions. If one
comes to the negotiation table, for instance, with a closed mind determined to reject the opponents
proposal, there is little chance for the talks to progress and reach a resolution. In interpersonal situations,
similarly, if one is pre-determined to look at a person or his/her talk in a particular light, there is little
chance of forming a correct opinion about the person and his/her views. Such conditioning often
prevents a bad situation from getting better. It makes one blind to the fact that people might be willing to
change and be more accommodative.
Language:
Language can be yet another reason why people dont listen correctly. It could be the
problem of a French speaker speaking English or a Tamil trying to speak Hindi. The mother-tongue
interference plays a major role and prevents the listener from listening correctly. It is important, therefore,
to make sure that we speak the language we are conversing in with reasonable clarity. It is important to be
aware of our pronunciation, tone, pitch, modulation and stress.
Language, again, can sometimes be very context specific. A group of college boys and girls talking in the
college canteen for example can have an altogether different register. Slang might be used in specific
Listening here will mean being familiar with the particular register. Unfamiliarity can become a barrier
to listening. In specific knowledge areas and professions, certain words have specific meanings. Unless
specified, these too can become barrier to listening comprehension. The same is true of in-house
acronyms.
Careless Listening:
It is common sight to see people looking at papers, sifting through lists or even
fidgeting with objects like paper weights, while listening. This can put the speaker in a very awkward
position. He/she has no clue as to what the reaction of listener is or even whether the listener is listening
or not. Such actions can be annoying for the speaker is saying. It can also indicate to the speaker that what
he/she is saying is not important for the listener. This kind of gesture can seriously hamper

communication if used by superiors in a workplace or in any interpersonal communication. If the speaker

doesnt feel listened to, the acts of communication will always remain incomplete. Listening, too, in such
cases is bound to be partial. Even if the facts are conveyed, understanding of the facts is generally
inadequate or incomplete.
Such habits are commonly observed during telephonic conversations too. Since the listener is not
present in front, speakers often do paper work, fidget, drawing diagrams, and so on. The speaker, in fact,
should be more careful during a telephonic conversation. The listener has no inputs from the speaker
except the voice, pitch, modulation and pauses. Body language and facial expressions are absent in this
form of communication. So the language being used, the pitch and modulation and especially the pauses,
lave to be used very carefully to convey the right shade of communication or even avoid
miscommunicating!

2.6
i.
ii.

iii.

v.

Good Listening

A good listener will:

Try to understand the speakers perspective: It is not necessary to agree with the speaker, but a good
listener will always try to see things from the speakers perspective.
Listen with the whole body:
As we have seen, the listener is as active a participant in the act of
conversation as the speaker is. For the speaker, the body language of the listener is one of the most
important sources of getting feedback. The posture, facial expressions and eye contact are important clues
for the speaker to go on speaking or stop. They can encourage, discourage or even snub the speaker. If
you want the speaker to feel reassured, listen with your whole body; let the speaker know that you are
listening with understanding.
Do not judge prematurely: Since the brain can process speech much faster than one can speak, it is easy
to think ahead, judge the talk and even evaluate the speaker and his talk. A good listener, however, will
always try to look at the speakers perspective, try to understand why the speaker feels the way he/she
feels. Therefore, if you want to be a good listener, avoid judging the speakers talk or personality
prematurely. Give some time. Try to understand and then arrive at a conclusion.
Paraphrase the speaker: A good speaker while listening might also paraphrase the speech of the speaker.
This may not be a detailed paraphrasing, but responding in a few words. Adding nothing, changing
nothing, asking no questions, just summarizing the speakers thought, informing him how he is being
understood.

2.7

Real listening is an active process that has three basic steps.

1.

Hearing Hearing just means listening enough to catch what the speaker is saying. For example,
say you were listening to a report on zebras, and the speaker mentioned that no two are alike. If
you can repeat the fact, then you have heard what has been said.

2.

Understanding The next part of listening happens when you take what you have heard and
understand it in your own way. Let's go back to that report on zebras. When you hear that no
two are alike, think about what that might mean. You might think, "Maybe this means that the
pattern of stripes is different for each zebra."

3.

Judging After you are sure you understand what the speaker has said, think about whether it
makes sense. Do you believe what you have heard? You might think, "How could the stripes to
be different for every zebra? But then again, the fingerprints are different for every person. I
think this seems believable."

Tips for being a good listener

1.

Give your full attention on the person who is speaking. Don't look out the window or at what
else is going on in the room.

2.

Make sure your mind is focused, too. It can be easy to let your mind wander if you think you
know what the person is going to say next, but you might be wrong! If you feel your mind
wandering, change the position of your body and try to concentrate on the speaker's words.

3.

Let the speaker finish before you begin to talk. Speakers appreciate having the chance to say
everything they would like to say without being interrupted. When you interrupt, it looks like
you aren't listening, even if you really are.

4.

Let yourself finish listening before you begin to speak! You can't really listen if you are busy
thinking about what you want say next.

5.

Listen for main ideas. The main ideas are the most important points the speaker wants to get
across. They may be mentioned at the start or end of a talk, and repeated a number of times. Pay
special attention to statements that begin with phrases such as "My point is..." or "The thing to
remember is..."

6.

Ask questions. If you are not sure you understand what the speaker has said, just ask. It is a
good idea to repeat in your own words what the speaker said so that you can be sure your
understanding is correct. For example, you might say, "When you said that no two zebras are
alike, did you mean that the stripes are different on each one?"

7.

Give feedback. Sit up straight and look directly at the speaker. Now and then, nod to show that
you understand. At appropriate points you may also smile, frown, laugh, or be silent. These are
all ways to let the speaker know that you are really listening. Remember, you listen with your
face as well as your ears!

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