salmonella men

on planet porno
salmonella men
on planet porno

and other stories

Ya s U ta K a t s U t s U i

Translated by Andrew Driver

ALMA BOOKS
ALMA BOOKS LTD
London House acknowledgements
243253 Lower Mortlake Road
Richmond
Surrey TW9 2LL The author would like to thank the following persons for
United Kingdom
www.almabooks.com appearing in the title story or allowing their works to be
cited in it: Toshitaka Hidaka (zoologist), Akira Miyawaki
Salmonella Men on Planet Porno and Other Stories first published by Alma Books (botanist), Yasushi Kurihara (ecologist), Kazuki Miyashita
Limited in 2006
This new edition printed in 2008
(ecologist), Makoto Numata (biologist), Kenzaburo Oe
PORUNO WAKUSEI NO SARUMONERA NINGEN (novelist), Fujio Ishihara (SF writer), Yo Sano (mystery
and twelve other stories by Yasutaka Tsutsui
Copyright 1979-2006 Yasutaka Tsutsui
writer), Konrad Lorenz (animal behaviourist) and Edmond
Original Japanese edition of Poruno Wakusei No Sarumonera Ningen published Hamilton (SF writer).
by Shinchosha, Co., Ltd in 1979
English translation rights arranged with Yasutaka Tsutsui
Through the Japan Foreign-Rights Centre & Andrew Nurnberg Associates Ltd.

This translation Andrew Driver, 2006

Yasutaka Tsutsui and Andrew Driver assert their moral right to be identified as the
author and translator of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and
Patents Act 1988

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the
product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to
actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely
coincidental.

Printed in England by CPI Cox & Wyman, Reading, Berkshire

Cover Illustration: ivind Hovland

isbn: 978-1-84688-068-1

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or

introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means
(electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior
written permission of the publisher.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not be resold, lent, hired out or
otherwise circulated without the express prior consent of the publisher.
 contents

The Dabba Dabba Tree 3

Rumours about Me 19
Dont Laugh 39
Farmer Airlines 45
Bears Wood Main Line 65
The Very Edge of Happiness 85
Commuter Army 99
Hello, Hello, Hello! 125
The World Is Tilting 139
Bravo Herr Mozart! 167
The Last Smoker 173
Bad for the Heart 187
Salmonella Men on Planet Porno 215
salmonella men
on planet porno
 The Dabba Dabba Tree

My father came up from the country carrying a curiously shaped

bonsai tree.
This heres a Dabba Dabba Tree, he announced, showing it
to me and my wife. Its a special kind of cedar, see.
My, what an odd-looking thing, said my wife, examining it
with a look of puzzlement.
The tree was about eight inches tall. It was thicker at the base
but tapered off towards the top, where the foliage was more
sparse. Standing upright, the trunk formed a perfect cone.
Yes, and what an odd name, I added, watching my fathers
expression. Perhaps it would shed some light on his reason for
bringing the tree.
Well, its not just the name thats odd, he said, narrowing
his eyes. If you put this Dabba Dabba Tree in your bedroom at
night, youll have fruity dreams till morning comes!
Gosh! I wonder what he means, said my wife.
I whispered in her ear. Erotic dreams, of course.
Oh! she exclaimed, blushing.
My father gave her a lewd look and continued. Youve been
married five years but still aint had kids. Thats why I brought
you the tree. Put it in your bedroom tonight youre sure to have
some cracking dreams. Go on, have it! Its no good for an old
codger like me! Kekekekekeh! he chuckled like some weird bird,
before setting off back to the country.
That night, we took the Dabba Dabba Tree into our bedroom
and placed it at the foot of our double bed. Yes, we were still
using a double bed even after five years of marriage. Well, our bed
room was rather small. There wasnt enough room for two beds.

 salmonella men on planet porno the dabba dabba tree

Goodnight, then. in front of me. Id hurry to catch her up, only to find that
Yes, goodnight. she was a complete dog to look at. Im not usually picky about
We dived under the sheets, excitedly turned our backs on each my women. But now that I was having this erotic dream, it
other, and concentrated on getting to sleep. At times like this, would have been pointless to go for someone I didnt fancy.
you want to be the first to drop off. Otherwise, the sound of your I walked on.
partners breathing gets on your nerves and keeps you awake. So Then a girl stepped out of a streetside caf. She was dressed
much the worse if you know shes having an erotic dream. And in a dark-brown suit and looked like a college student. Wearing
worse still if she starts talking in her sleep. little make-up besides her lipstick, she had pale skin, large eyes
Luckily, I nodded off immediately. and a pretty face.
And I started dreaming. I dreamt I was in my bedroom, sleeping YES!!! I exclaimed, blocking her way.
in my double bed with my wife. Can I help you? she asked, looking me up and down.
Yes! A dream! Well, actually I replied falteringly, wondering how to
I sat up. My wife was slumbering peacefully next to me, com explain. Actually, Ive got this Dabba Dabba Tree, you see,
pletely naked. She cant sleep any other way. I turned my head and
in puzzlement. Oh no. Not you as well! she giggled. Then her expression
Great. Whats erotic about that?! changed to a frown. Youre the fourth one tonight. Youre going
If I made love to her after all this time, there wouldnt be any to say youre having an erotic dream because of this Dabba
thing erotic about it at all. It would just be dull old reality Dabba Tree, and you want to have sex with me. Right?
whether she was naked or not. What? You mean there are others? I replied, somewhat
Well, if this is an erotic dream, Id better do something surprised. But after all, it was just a dream. Who cared? I mean,
erotic! er, thats right. I really want to have sex with you.
I got out of bed and put my shirt and trousers on. Then I In your dreams! she said with an ironic smile, shaking her
slipped on some sandals and went outside. To find a woman head. Ive said the same to all of them. This might be a dream
worthy of sharing my erotic dream, Id have to go to the nightlife for you, but for me, its reality! And anyway, Im still a virgin. I
district. I walked along a dark side-road, then turned into a refuse to lose my virginity just to fulfil someone elses dream!
major thoroughfare. The street shone as bright as day, thanks What was she on about? Well, it didnt matter. It was just a
to the bars and restaurants on either side. There were people dream.
everywhere. Those other three must have been weak-willed. Spineless.
Where are all the tasty women then? I grumbled. I was feeling And maybe they didnt want you enough anyway, I said. But I
rather tired after walking two or three blocks. Having an erotic wont give up so easily, dyou hear? This may well be reality for
dream clearly demanded a certain amount of perseverance. I you, but for me its just a dream. So I dont care what happens!
would spot a woman who looked promising from a distance And anyway, I fancy you. I fancy you like mad, so Im going to
but who, on closer inspection, turned out to be a wrinkled old make love to you. And if you say no, Ill just have to force myself
hag. Or a tall, slender girl with a great figure would be walking on you, right here and now.
 
 salmonella men on planet porno the dabba dabba tree

What, here in the street? We went up a hill and at last found a hotel. We entered the
Thats right. I dont care who sees us, or where we are. Im lobby and stood at the reception desk. A middle-aged woman
going to pounce on you, and rip that tasteful, well-tailored dark- with thinning hair came out. Im afraid were full, she said.
brown suit off your body, a-a-and then, and then Im going to But if youd like to wait five or ten minutes, theres sure to be a
pull off your bra, and and vacancy.
All right, keep your hair on! Look, youre slobbering! I couldnt be bothered to walk around looking for another
Oh. I quickly wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. hotel, so we went into the little waiting room next to the lobby.
And then, and then, Im going to pull down your panties There, we sat on a sofa waiting for a vacancy. We were alone.
Er Im wearing tights. Are you married? the girl asked me.
Im going to pull down your panties together with your tights, Yes.
then Im going to grab hold of you, throw you onto the pavement Really? And whats your wife doing now?
and ravish your body by force. Well, you say youre a virgin, and Sleeping next to me in our bedroom.
thats a bit unfortunate for you. But hey, its a dream, it doesnt You mean youre having a dream like this while your wifes
matter! Ill ravish you, and then sleeping next to you? What sort of a husband are you?!
The police might see us. And how do I know what shes dreaming about?!
I dont care. If they come to arrest me, Ill just shout out at the As I said that, another couple came into the hotel. I could hear
top of my voice. Then Ill wake up. Mind you This is reality the receptionist repeating the same words in the lobby.
for you, isnt it. Your clothes will be in a mess and youll be stark Im afraid were full. But if youd like to wait five or ten
naked. You cant go home like that. Whatll you do? minutes, theres sure to be a vacancy.
I dont know. What do you think? As the couple came into the waiting room, I let out a cry. When
Why dont we find a hotel? I dont really want to rape you they saw me, they stopped in their tracks. The woman was my
here. If the police came, theyd only spoil it. wife. Her partner was our neighbour, Mr Miyamoto.
She hesitated for a moment, observing me with a sideways Well, well! said Miyamoto obsequiously.
look. All right, she answered eventually, with some reluctance. They sat on the sofa opposite us. Chubby Miyamoto looked
Ill go with you. After all, it seems I only exist inside your down at the floor in embarrassment.
dream. I cant just ignore you, can I. Well, arent you having a good time! my wife said
So we turned off into a side road and wandered around the sarcastically.
back streets looking for a discreet hotel. There were none to be Yes, and you too! I replied. I was going to ask how long
found. shed been seeing Miyamoto. But it was just a dream. It would
Where are they all?! be pointless to ask.
I was getting irritated. If we didnt do it quickly, I might wake Shes pretty, said my wife, indicating my partner with her
up. chin.
We might find one if we went away from town, she said. Is this your wife?! the girl said, hurrying to her feet. Pleased
Theres a hotel right next to my college. to meet you. Im, er
 
 salmonella men on planet porno the dabba dabba tree

Dont be stupid. You dont have to say anything. I tugged It hurt so much that it woke me up. In my sleep, Id dug my
her back down by the edge of her skirt. nail hard into my cheek.
The receptionist came in. We have a vacancy now, she DAMN!!!
announced. This way, please. My wife was still sleeping peacefully, contentedly next to me.
Well, excuse us, I said to Miyamoto and my wife as we got In my rage, I jumped up and punched her on the arm.
up to go. Ow! OW!! What are you doing?! She sprang up, startled.
The receptionist led us to our room. As soon as shed left, I Just when I was getting to the good bit!
jumped on the girl, yelling Come on, then! Huh! You think Im going to let you have all the fun? Im
Dont! she shrieked. She evaded me and stood at the corner going to go back to sleep and have the time of my life!
of the bed. That woman will be back with the tea soon. You think youre the only one? Watch me!
You seem to know a lot about it! We turned our backs on each other with huffs of indignation,
She blushed. and concentrated on getting back to sleep. Luckily, I dozed off
Anyway, I cant wait for all that. Let her come in! in an instant. And I started to dream. I dreamt I was sleeping in
The girl eluded me again. our bed at home.
As we continued our chasing game, the receptionist came in Yesss!! A dream!
with the tea. The bath water should be hot now, so please feel I slipped out of the sheets. My wife was sleeping naked on
free. Good evening. And with that she left the room. the bed.
I want to have a bath, said the girl. Right! Lets get back to that hotel!
I cant wait for that, I moaned. Cant you have one later? I hunted around the bed looking for my clothes. But my shirt
Certainly not! Ive been perspiring with all that walking and trousers were nowhere to be seen. Of course they werent.
around. You should have one after me, too. Look at your face. Id taken them off in the hotel.
Its covered in sweat. I quickly looked around for another pair of trousers. But
No! I cant wait any longer! I said, lunging at her. I couldnt even wait that long. And anyway, it was only a
She darted into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. dream.
All right, Ill come in with you! I called out as I banged on All right! Ill go as I am!
the door. I raced out of the house stark naked, with nothing on my
No! she shouted. Id be too embarrassed. feet.
There was nothing for it. I took off my clothes and sat on the I ran along the dark side road and came out onto the main street.
edge of the bed, naked, waiting for her to reappear. I was getting As before, it was as bright as day and full of people. Passers-by
more and more irritated. This dream seemed awfully close to opened their eyes wide when they saw me running through the
reality. I even started to think it might be reality. So, as a test, street in my birth-day suit. A few women screamed.
I dug my fingernail into my right cheek. If this was a dream, it Oy, you! Stop!!
wouldnt hurt. Near the crossroads, a policeman came running after me.
It hurt. Stop that man! Hes gone insane!
 
 salmonella men on planet porno the dabba dabba tree

Theres always someone who gets in the way, even in a street with my hair all over the place. I did knock down the odd
dream. A passer-by stuck out a leg and tripped me, sending me passer-by, but this time I managed to keep running without being
sprawling on the pavement. The policeman jumped on my back challenged. I turned off the main street onto the dark uphill road
as I struggled hard to resist. This is my dream! I cried. Why that led to the hotel. I raced up the road panting, my whole body
dont you just disappear! covered in sweat. I caught sight of the hotels purple neon sign.
The policeman was desperately trying to handcuff me. Hes My knees were about to give way.
lost his mind! Help me apprehend him! he shouted to the Where have you been all this time? said the girl as I rushed
watching bystanders. into the room. Dressed in a bathrobe, she was drinking a bottle
Four or five men stepped forwards and tried to hold me down. of beer shed taken from the fridge. She looked utterly fed up.
I was punched hard two or three times, but I hardly felt a thing. Sorry about that. Come on, then. Lets get on the bed!
It was a dream, after all. Still, I couldnt waste any more time As I went to embrace her, she turned her face away in disgust.
messing about like this. If I didnt get away soon, the girl might No way! Youre covered in sweat! Go and have a wash!
grow tired of waiting and leave the hotel. So, reluctantly, I All right. I took off my clothes and went into the bathroom.
decided to wake up again. Even as the policeman and bystanders When I came back out, she was on her second bottle of beer.
were holding me down, I shouted at the top of my voice. I suddenly remembered that I didnt have any money. I wouldnt
The sound of my voice woke me up. even be able to pay for the hotel room, let alone the beer.
What now, for Gods sake?! What are you shouting for? Youve Who cares, I thought. As soon as it was time to settle the bill,
gone and woken me up again! And just when I was getting to the Id just shout out loud. Then Id wake up and get away without
good bit! My wife, also woken by the sound of my voice, flew paying. The girl would be left behind, of course. Shed be
at me in a fury. taken away by the police on charges of not paying for drinks
You think youre the only one who wants a good dream?! I or accommodation. That would be a bit sad, but it couldnt be
said. I got up, took a fresh shirt and trousers from the wardrobe, helped. If I told her about it, shed only refuse me again. Anyway,
laid them down beside the bed and got back in. This time Ill she was bound to have some money of her own, even if she was
get it right. Ill show you! only a student.
Well, youre not the only one! Alcohol had given her cheeks a rosy glow, and her eyes were
Once again, we turned our backs in indignation and concen beginning to look glazed. The front of her bathrobe had fallen
trated on getting back to sleep. Again, I dropped off immediately. open, revealing a glimpse of her plump white breasts.
And I started dreaming again. Come on then, lets get you on the bed. Heheh, heheh,
Yessss!!! A dream! heheheheheh!
I got up immediately and hurriedly pulled on the shirt and I lifted the girl in my arms and laid her down on the bed, where
trousers Id laid beside the bed. Id left my sandals in the hotel, I undressed her.
too, so I slipped some shoes onto my bare feet. Then I dashed Her body felt much too realistic for this to be a dream. If
out of the house. If I failed to make it with that pretty girl this things feel this realistic, I should have had a beer too, I thought.
time, it would be the end of the world. I ran through the main Id been thirsty just now and really needed a drink. But I thought
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 salmonella men on planet porno the dabba dabba tree

it wouldnt taste any good, as it was just a dream. So I decided you see. And Ive always wanted to, you know, have her, if ever I
not to. Anyway, I couldnt get out of bed to have a beer now that had the chance. Well, thanks to my Dabba Dabba Tree, I can now
I was in the middle of it. I started to get on with the action. fulfil my wish, even if it is only a dream. And thats why Ive come
Then the doorbell rang. over. So without further ado, is your wife at home?
The sound of it woke me up. Shes still in bed, actually.
I was in bed, lying on top of my wife and making love to her. So much the better! he said, and tried to force his way in.
What? You?? I groaned. The last person I wanted to be I barred his path in utter incredulity. Now just you wait a
doing it with!! minute! This may be a dream for you, but for me its reality. Im
My wife had woken up at the same time. The feelings not going to let you barge in here and sully my wifes honour just
mutual! she replied with immense displeasure. to fulfil your dream!
The doorbell rang again. It was already morning. Sunlight But I really want to make love to her! Otherwise whats the
flooded in through a gap in the curtains, illuminating the Dabba point of having an erotic dream?
Dabba Tree at the foot of our bed. Im self-employed, so I dont As we stood there arguing, Miyamotos wife came running
have to get up early. up.
Who could that be? At this time of the morning? Oh dear! I really am sorry for my husbands selfishness. I
Go and find out, said my wife. said you shouldnt go, didnt I?! Look how much trouble youre
You go! causing our neighbour!
I havent got anything on. I know what, Miyamoto said, turning to me. You can have
Nor have I! sex with my wife. Now thats got to be fair, hasnt it?
You can get dressed more quickly. Oh! gasped his wife. Her face immediately turned a shade
I got up, slipped on my shirt and trousers and went to open of crimson. She looked up at me with fluttering eyes and started
the front door. to contort her body suggestively. Im sure he wouldnt be
Standing there in the porch was our neighbour, Mr Miya interested in an ordinary woman like me.
moto. I found it hard to agree, and looked her over. She was a slim,
Mr Miyamoto! I was going to mention our meeting at the good-looking woman with an oval face and large eyes. Yes, now
hotel, but I managed to stop myself in time. That was a dream, that I saw her in this light, she was actually quite attractive. I
after all. What is it? At this time of the morning? gulped.
Yes, Im sorry to bother you so early. Its just that Ive got this No, no, not at all, I eventually replied. Quite the opposite,
Dabba Dabba Tree, you see, he said. Its a kind of bonsai in fact. That is, if you dont mind
tree, and if you put it in your bedroom at night She wriggled in embarrassment. Well! I never dreamt this
Yes, yes, yes, I interrupted. I know, Ive got one myself. would happen. I mean, I dont mind at all, if you dont mind
Then youll know what I mean. As it happens, Im in the middle Really? Well, in-in-in that case um I turned to Miyamoto,
of a dream right now. Me talking to you here is actually part of to make sure it was all right by him. But hed already slipped into
my dream. Now, Ive been quite keen on your wife for some time, the bedroom. Right, OK, so lets get um
12 13
 salmonella men on planet porno the dabba dabba tree

Right, yes, lets, shall we? Haha! Who would have thought She really didnt seem to know. Realizing that it would take
it? Ho ho ho! Mrs Miyamoto started to take off her blue- a while to explain, I thought hard before telling her the whole
and-white striped dress, revealing a dark blue bra and panties story.
underneath. In other words, this is all part of Mr Miyamotos erotic
I ripped off my shirt and trousers, put my arm around her dream, I added in conclusion. We are nothing but characters
shoulders and led her into the bedroom. Her whole body was in his dream. So how about it? If were merely characters in
quivering with excitement. Her husband and my wife were someone elses erotic dream, we might as well do something
already at it on the double bed. erotic too. The least we could do is have it off and enjoy
Er, excuse me, could you move over a bit? ourselves!
Yes, of course. She looked at me as if I were mad. I never heard anything so
Miyamoto shifted over to the edge of the bed while still making ridiculous in all my life. This is someone elses dream?! You must
love to my wife. I flopped down on the other side with Mrs be out of your mind.
Miyamoto. We threw our arms around each other and started No, you dont understand, I said with a sigh. Im perfectly
getting down to it. sane. But were in someone elses dream. Could you please take
The two women began to gasp and pant, each spurred on by your clothes off now, quickly.
the other. Then the doorbell rang. She opened her eyes wide. What unbelievable depravity! You,
You go this time, I said to my wife. a seemingly respectable householder a-a-a respectable member
No! she replied through her panting, shaking her head of society
vigorously. You go, please!! Id had enough. So I just pounced on her. If we dont hurry,
I reluctantly prised myself from Mrs Miyamotos tight Miyamoto will wake up! This salesgirl was younger and more
embrace, threw on my shirt and trousers, and went to open the beautiful than Mrs Miyamoto. She was bound to be a much
front door. Standing there in the porch was the Lola Cosmetics better sex partner.
salesgirl. Now, this woman was stunningly beautiful. Id always As I ripped off her suit, she resisted me with all her strength.
had a secret lust for her. But for us, this is reality! she cried as she tried to hold me off.
Er Good morning! Is your wife at home? she asked. Our lives will continue, even after your Mr Miyamoto wakes
Oh, its you! Heheheheheh! I replied slowly. I licked my lips up. Then what will you do about these marks on my body?
and rolled my eyes over her voluptuous physique, compressed Yes, youve got a point. But theres another way of looking
into a suit of pure white. Yes. Of course shes at home. Anyway, at it. As soon as Miyamoto wakes up, we might simply cease to
why dont you come in! exist!
She gave me a dubious look and edged into the hallway, keeping She was wearing a dark-brown bra and panties. Her attempts
her distance at all times, before closing the door behind her. to resist had made her perspire profusely, but when I pulled down
By the way, have you ever heard of the Dabba Dabba Tree? I her pants, she suddenly seemed drained of all energy. She flung
asked, still staring lewdly at her body. herself onto me with a moan. You complete bastard, she said,
No. Whats that? and started to sob.
14 15