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File - 24 Nasir Jokes - 108.txt

Tuesday, 22 September, 2009 12:16 PM

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TWENTY FOUR OR TWO DOZEN NASIR JOKES - 108

********************************************************

No 1

LIFE IN TV LAND

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a
monster of genetic creation.

3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.

4. The suburbs are exciting.

5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

6. Good guys are always outnumbered.

7. Good guys always win and get the girl.

8. Good guys are always good looking.

9. Ugly people are always bad guys.

10. All Chinese people know Karate.

11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.

12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.

13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.

15. Everyone has a 'dark' secret.

16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.

17. Haunted houses are never locked.

18. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.

19. When it rains, it always pours.

20. You are always safe as soon as you cross the *county line* - 150 miles away.

********************************************************

No 2

ROSE

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after
many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the
stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the
rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the
time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You
bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He asked.
 "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

********************************************************

No 3

INTELLIGENT LIFE

The aliens landed in Washington, DC, where they were given a hero's welcome. They were honored at
a banquet at the White House and treated to a tour of the capitol.

After a day and a night of talking with the politicians and the press, the aliens returned to their home
planet.

"Bad news," said the returning alien leader to his boss. "We wasted all that time and we still don't
know if there's intelligent life on Earth."

********************************************************

No 4

LYING

Everyone says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't true! But you do have to understand
body language to know when they're lying and when they aren't.

-- When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.

-- When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.

-- When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.

 -- When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!

********************************************************

No 5

YOU MIGHT BE IN EDUCATION IF...

* You can converse in middle schoolease.

* Your last nerve is a distant memory...

* Every day is a bad hair day.

* You find humor in public parental discipline.

* You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violations.

* You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.

* You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to "Walk!"

* Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be that age again...

* You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only work 8 - 3 and have your
summers free."
* You refer to adults as "boys and girls".

* You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper".

* You believe chocolate is a major food group.

* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

* You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

* You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow
today."

* When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are misbehaving.

* You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."

* You have no life from August through June.

* Putting all A's on the report card would be so much easier.

* You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to
reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle school for 5 years.

* You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.

* You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't
elevate your blood pressure.

* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

* You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.

* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like that?"

********************************************************

No 6

SIGNS YOU HAD A BAD FIRST DATE

* Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother

* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her

* She has a thicker moustache than you

* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your
duties and restrictions

* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you
that leaving the state is a violation of her parole

* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system

* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass

* You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.

* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the
nearest clinic

* She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut

* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno

* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill

* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your
left thigh

* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan

* She is better hung than you

* She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her She informs you that you can't go
out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you

* She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you

********************************************************

No 7
 BELLY ACHE

TWO cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when the first mentioned to the second that
he had a belly ache.

The second cannibal asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?"

"No, replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary."

"Hmm," said the second, "And how did you cook him?"

"I boiled him as usual," replied the first.

The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a white collar?"

"No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown robe."

"Ah ha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't have boiled him. That was a
Friar!"

********************************************************

No 8

DOT COM......

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says
 And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young
wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed,
she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband,

"Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever
leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel
load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying
what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be
made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)". Abraham thought long and decided he
would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.

And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land".

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so".

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the
top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum
and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the

greedy horsefly to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no
one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who
bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only
work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
 And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others".

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We
need a name of a service that reflects that we are". and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators".

"Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

********************************************************

No 9

GUILT REACTION

BeanDog was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he
was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem.

Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say
10,000 Hail Mary's. BeanDog went on driving and praying.

By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco. BeanDog
realized he was terribly horny again. So, again, he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy.

Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so BeanDog went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who
said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's."

BeanDog said, "What?! In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing!"

Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?"

********************************************************
No 10

LUNCH AT HOME

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on
a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the
man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the couple was cratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed
the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench.
Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans,
they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."

********************************************************

No 11

WHEEL BARROW

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat of
strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris,one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he
said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that
you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
 Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man,
he said, "All right. Get in."

********************************************************

No 12

Q&A

Q. Why does Batman drive the batmobile?

A. Because it's his car.

Q. What did batman say to robin before they got in the car?

A. Robin, get in the car.

Q. What's the difference between a grape and a chicken?

A. They're both purple except for the chicken.

Q. What's yellow and can't swim?

A. A bulldozer.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?

A. He heard boys pants were half off.

Q. Why do fish live in salt water?

A. 'Cause pepper makes them sneeze.

Q. What's red and shaped like a bucket?

A. A red bucket.

Q. What did the elephant said to the naked man?

A. "How can you breath thru that thing?"

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To stock up on SONY 1.44MB 3.5" Preformatted diskettes, boxes of 10 for just $7.99 inc GST with
a free McDonalds Cheeseburger voucher from VIVID COMPUTERS....

Q. If your wife comes out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

A. Made her chain too long.

Q. DID THE PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN THE LADY FELL ON THE ICE?

A. No but the ice cracked up!

Q. How did the telephones get married?

A. In a double ring ceremony!

Q. Where do eskimos keep their money?

A. Snow banks!

Q. What gets wetter as it dries?

A. A towel!

Q. What lies on the ground one hundred feet in the air?

A. A sunbathing centipede.
Q. They say the dog is man's best friend.

A. I don't believe that. How many friends have you had neutered?

Q. How can you tell if a midget is gay?

A. He just came out of the cupboard.

Q. What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A. Poke e mon

Q. Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?

A. Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

********************************************************

No 13

MINNESOTA

A lion in the Milwaukee zoo was lying in the sun licking its ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper
and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo.

Why just an hour ago it dragged a Minnesota tourist into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?"
 "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

********************************************************

No 14

WORTH IT

After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked him,
"Was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?"

Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".

So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up
quite a bit. So Bill paid $10,000 for a night with her.

In the morning he said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself
'Devine'."

She answered "Thank you, and now I know why you call your company 'Microsoft'."

********************************************************

No 15

10 PINTS

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you
Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."
 The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later,
the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the
$500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

********************************************************

No 16

SURGICAL GLOVES

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so
he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and
the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands
in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they
peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over
again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her
teeth because she burst out laughing...

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must be making
condoms!!"

********************************************************

No 17

GOAT FOR DINNER

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were
having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as
any other day...'"
********************************************************

No 18

IMMUNITY

The attractive blonde yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the
wives over drinks.

"I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."

The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising, darling, considering the number of times you've
been inoculated."

********************************************************

No 19

BIRDS & BEES

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.

At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.

 Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!

If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to

live for!"

********************************************************

No 20

AMERICAN & FRENCH

American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a
Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

 Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh
fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
chewing gum and sell them to France."

********************************************************

No 21

RABBIT

Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field, when he met a sheep. Hopping up to the
sheep, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"

The sheep replied, "I'm a sheep, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the
flowers as he hopped along the field. Soon he met a goat. Hopping up to the goat, he said, "I'm a little
dirty bastard, who are you?"
 The goat replied "I'm a goat, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the
flowers as he hopped along the field. Then he met a horse. Hopping up to the horse, he said, "I'm a little
dirty bastard, who are you?"

The horse replied "I'm a horse, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the
flowers as he hopped along the field. Eventually, as Billy hopped along, he came across the cutest,
prettiest little girl bunny that you have ever met. She knocked his socks off. Billy hops up to her, cleared
his throat, and said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"

She looked at him, smiled and said, "My name is Christeen, and I'm a little bunny. What's your name?
Why do you say you're a little dirty bastard?"

Billy said, "My name is Billy, and I am a little dirty bastard. Everyone says so."

Christeen turned her pretty little nose up into the air, and said, "If you can't talk decently, go away!"
And so saying she turned around and started to eat some grass.

Billy hopped on and shagged her like crazy.

Christeen jumped up and said, "Why, you little dirty bastard!"

Whereupon, Billy smiled and hopped away.

********************************************************
No 22

TIGER

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying
across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly

running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."

"Go on". the friend said.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and
rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.

"Did you ever *goose* a tiger?"

********************************************************

No 23

BABY CHICKENS

Morris a big city CPA, moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to
the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
 A week later Morris returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said Morris with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

********************************************************

No 24

BUFFALO

General Custer's troops had just come from a tremendous battle with the Indians in which the Indians
were badly defeated.

After the troops had left to return to the fort, the Indian chief called his tribe together

and said, "I must report on the battle. There is good news and there is bad news.

The bad news is that we were soundly trounced by the troopers. They burned down our camp, and
took our food supplies. We'll have nothing to eat throughout this cold winter except buffalo chips."

The chief's son piped up, "If that's the bad news, what's the good news?"

The chief said, "There are plenty of buffalo out here."

********************************************************
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