Running head: REVIEW OF THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES 1

Review of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Justus Warner

PSY 1010
REVIEW OF THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES 2

Review of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Doctor John Gottman is a research scientist on marriage and family. He was a psychology

professor at the University of Washington. He oversaw 40 years of researching with thousands of

couples. He created the Seven Principles to help all types of couples looking toward the future to

improve themselves and their marriage.

What Are the Seven Principles?

Dr. Gottman stated, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that

happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” (Gottman, p. 21). They are techniques to help

couples find happiness in their relationships, to overcome the stress and issues that are attached

to them, and to cope with separation and divorce (if applicable). Below are summaries of each

principle.

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

Gottman defined a love map as “[his] term for that part of your brain where you store all

the relevant information about your partner’s life” (p. 54). Love maps can be great resources to

help an individual get to know their partner more. Gottman provided a few exercises to help

individuals evaluate their current knowledge of their partner and provides examples of questions

to provide more frequent and deeper discussion. Knowledge can help fortify marriages.

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Marriage can be hard. It may seem like the other person may have the ability to show

kindness, but not toward you. To have a “fondness and admiration system”, as Dr. Gottman says,

is that “each [individual in a relationship] retain[s] some fundamental sense that the other [is]

worthy of being respected and even liked” (p. 68). Looking back and remembering—even
REVIEW OF THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES 3

expressing gratitude and appreciation—can help an individual overcome contempt and rekindle

the love they felt toward the other, whom they are married to.

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Couples who turn toward each other build mutual trust. They also tend to remain happy

as they do the little things such as sending an encouraging text to your partner when they’re

having a bad day, reading or watching the news together, or chatting while eating lunch (p. 87).

Dr. Gottman explained, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each

other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as

significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill” (p. 88).

Missing a bid because of negative emotions and being distracted can be easy obstacles in

turning toward each other. Turning away from each other can be demonstrated as giving the cold

shoulder, ignoring requests (even the unspoken “bid” request), or focusing only on yourself. Dr.

Gottman uses a personal experience to illustrate turning toward each other versus turning away:

One day I overheard Julie, [Dr. Gottman’s wife], grumbling softly as she
unloaded the dryer. I could easily have pretended not to notice. But that grumble
was a bid, a quiet on, but definitely a bid. So I asked her what the matter was, and
she said, “I don’t mind doing laundry, but I hate folding it.” Well, I happen to
like mindless tasks like folding shirts! ... So I turned toward my wife by taking
over the folding. I piled the laundry on the bed, turned on [jazz] music … and I
was in heaven. … Eventually Julie drifted into the room. I knew she expected me
to ask her for help, even though she hates folding laundry. Instead, we both
relaxed and enjoyed the music while I continued to fold. Julie pointed out that it
had been a long time since we’d been to our favorite local jazz club. So we ended
up heading there for dinner. In the end, my turning toward that pile of laundry
turned out to be very romantic for us. (pp. 89-90)

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

This chapter focuses on helping individuals allow their partner to influence them in and

be a part of the decision making process. Dr. Gottman described that “some men claim that

religious conviction requires them to be in control of their marriages and, by extension, their

wives. But,” Dr. Gottman continues, “no religion I know of says that a man should be a bully”
REVIEW OF THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES 4

(p. 118). After recalling the experience of a colleague who successfully “follows a religious

doctrine that exalts patriarchy” and “sees no conflict between his beliefs and accepting influence

from his wife,” Gottman concludes that “a marriage can’t work unless both partners honor and

respect each other” regardless of an individual’s belief system. He also points out what husbands

and wives can learn from each other as they accept each other’s influence.

Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

In chapter 8 of the text Gottman talks about two kinds of marital conflict, perpetual

problems and solvable problems. Perpetual problems are the ones that will be a part of your life

forever in one form or another (p. 137). These kinds of problems can include chronic physical

ailments or clashes in beliefs, perspectives, and long-term desires and dreams. Dr. Gottman

quoted Psychologist Dan Wile who said, “When choosing a long-term partner … you will

inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for

the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (Dan Wile, p. 139 in the text).

Sometimes perpetual problems can cause what is called gridlock; where, instead of

coping with the problem, couples have the same conversations over and over again about the

problems. Nothing is resolved in this scenario. Gottman explained, “[Individuals] may say,

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’ They shove it under the rug, but it becomes, in the words of our

great poet Robert Creeley, a place where ‘the rug bunches.’ As much as they try to remember to

sidestep that place on the rug, they trip over it again and again” (Gottman, p. 140).

Solvable problems, on the other hand, can be resolved, but may cause pain. “Simply

because a problem is solvable,” Gottman said, “doesn’t mean it gets resolved” (p. 142). Dr.

Gottman created a model “for resolving conflict in a loving relationship” (p. 161). The model

was made to help couples (1) soften their start-up, (2) learn to make and receive repair attempts,
REVIEW OF THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES 5

(3) soothe themselves and each other, (4) compromise, and (5) process any grievances so that

they don’t linger. Gottman continues explaining how to cope with typical solvable problems such

as housework, finances, sex, and becoming parents.

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

As explained earlier, gridlock is when a couple bring up the same conversations

repeatedly, usually having to do with perpetual problems that may seem trivial from an outside

perspective of the relationship, usually ending with each individual viewing the other as just

plain selfish. Dr. Gottman shared four characteristics of gridlock as (1) having the same

argument again and again with no resolution; (2) neither individual can bring up the issue with

humor, empathy, or affection; (3) the issue becomes increasingly contradictory over time; and (4)

compromise seems impossible because it would mean giving up something important to the

individuals beliefs, values, or sense of self.

To overcome gridlock a couple would have to understand that there may be dreams each

may have that the other is unaware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect; they should

respect each other’s dreams; and, if they are unaware of the other’s dreams, they should find

ways to uncover them, such as making their marriage a safe place to talk about the hidden

dreams.

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

When an individual’s marriage adheres to the six previous principles and they feel that

there could still be more to add to their marriage is when the final principle, Principle 7: Create

Shared Meaning, comes to the pulpit. Dr. Gottman said, “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids,

splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with

creating an inner life together—a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation of
REVIEW OF THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES 6

your roles and your goals that link you and that lead you to understand who you are as a family”

(pp. 260-261). He also stated that “[a] crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an

atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions” (p. 262).

Dr. Gottman identified four pillars of shared meaning: (1) rituals of connection, (2) supporting

each other’s roles, (3) having shared goals, and (4) having shared values and symbols.

In all, the seven principles for making marriage work can help couples compromise;

avoid attitudes like the four horsemen—contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling;

create lifelong, positive habits; grow closer together in appreciation, love, and affection; and so

on.
REVIEW OF THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES 7

Resources

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York:

Harmony Books