Review of The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work Edited
Review of The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work Edited
Review of The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work Edited
Justus Warner
PSY 1010
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Doctor John Gottman is a research scientist on marriage and family. He was a psychology
couples. He created the Seven Principles to help all types of couples looking toward the future to
Dr. Gottman stated, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that
happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” (Gottman, p. 21). They are techniques to help
couples find happiness in their relationships, to overcome the stress and issues that are attached
to them, and to cope with separation and divorce (if applicable). Below are summaries of each
principle.
Gottman defined a love map as “[his] term for that part of your brain where you store all
the relevant information about your partner’s life” (p. 54). Love maps can be great resources to
help an individual get to know their partner more. Gottman provided a few exercises to help
individuals evaluate their current knowledge of their partner and provides examples of questions
to provide more frequent and deeper discussion. Knowledge can help fortify marriages.
Marriage can be hard. It may seem like the other person may have the ability to show
kindness, but not toward you. To have a “fondness and admiration system”, as Dr. Gottman says,
is that “each [individual in a relationship] retain[s] some fundamental sense that the other [is]
worthy of being respected and even liked” (p. 68). Looking back and remembering—even
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expressing gratitude and appreciation—can help an individual overcome contempt and rekindle
the love they felt toward the other, whom they are married to.
Couples who turn toward each other build mutual trust. They also tend to remain happy
as they do the little things such as sending an encouraging text to your partner when they’re
having a bad day, reading or watching the news together, or chatting while eating lunch (p. 87).
Dr. Gottman explained, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each
other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as
significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill” (p. 88).
Missing a bid because of negative emotions and being distracted can be easy obstacles in
turning toward each other. Turning away from each other can be demonstrated as giving the cold
shoulder, ignoring requests (even the unspoken “bid” request), or focusing only on yourself. Dr.
Gottman uses a personal experience to illustrate turning toward each other versus turning away:
One day I overheard Julie, [Dr. Gottman’s wife], grumbling softly as she
unloaded the dryer. I could easily have pretended not to notice. But that grumble
was a bid, a quiet on, but definitely a bid. So I asked her what the matter was, and
she said, “I don’t mind doing laundry, but I hate folding it.” Well, I happen to
like mindless tasks like folding shirts! ... So I turned toward my wife by taking
over the folding. I piled the laundry on the bed, turned on [jazz] music … and I
was in heaven. … Eventually Julie drifted into the room. I knew she expected me
to ask her for help, even though she hates folding laundry. Instead, we both
relaxed and enjoyed the music while I continued to fold. Julie pointed out that it
had been a long time since we’d been to our favorite local jazz club. So we ended
up heading there for dinner. In the end, my turning toward that pile of laundry
turned out to be very romantic for us. (pp. 89-90)
This chapter focuses on helping individuals allow their partner to influence them in and
be a part of the decision making process. Dr. Gottman described that “some men claim that
religious conviction requires them to be in control of their marriages and, by extension, their
wives. But,” Dr. Gottman continues, “no religion I know of says that a man should be a bully”
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(p. 118). After recalling the experience of a colleague who successfully “follows a religious
doctrine that exalts patriarchy” and “sees no conflict between his beliefs and accepting influence
from his wife,” Gottman concludes that “a marriage can’t work unless both partners honor and
respect each other” regardless of an individual’s belief system. He also points out what husbands
and wives can learn from each other as they accept each other’s influence.
In chapter 8 of the text Gottman talks about two kinds of marital conflict, perpetual
problems and solvable problems. Perpetual problems are the ones that will be a part of your life
forever in one form or another (p. 137). These kinds of problems can include chronic physical
ailments or clashes in beliefs, perspectives, and long-term desires and dreams. Dr. Gottman
quoted Psychologist Dan Wile who said, “When choosing a long-term partner … you will
inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for
the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (Dan Wile, p. 139 in the text).
Sometimes perpetual problems can cause what is called gridlock; where, instead of
coping with the problem, couples have the same conversations over and over again about the
problems. Nothing is resolved in this scenario. Gottman explained, “[Individuals] may say,
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’ They shove it under the rug, but it becomes, in the words of our
great poet Robert Creeley, a place where ‘the rug bunches.’ As much as they try to remember to
sidestep that place on the rug, they trip over it again and again” (Gottman, p. 140).
Solvable problems, on the other hand, can be resolved, but may cause pain. “Simply
because a problem is solvable,” Gottman said, “doesn’t mean it gets resolved” (p. 142). Dr.
Gottman created a model “for resolving conflict in a loving relationship” (p. 161). The model
was made to help couples (1) soften their start-up, (2) learn to make and receive repair attempts,
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(3) soothe themselves and each other, (4) compromise, and (5) process any grievances so that
they don’t linger. Gottman continues explaining how to cope with typical solvable problems such
repeatedly, usually having to do with perpetual problems that may seem trivial from an outside
perspective of the relationship, usually ending with each individual viewing the other as just
plain selfish. Dr. Gottman shared four characteristics of gridlock as (1) having the same
argument again and again with no resolution; (2) neither individual can bring up the issue with
humor, empathy, or affection; (3) the issue becomes increasingly contradictory over time; and (4)
compromise seems impossible because it would mean giving up something important to the
To overcome gridlock a couple would have to understand that there may be dreams each
may have that the other is unaware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect; they should
respect each other’s dreams; and, if they are unaware of the other’s dreams, they should find
ways to uncover them, such as making their marriage a safe place to talk about the hidden
dreams.
When an individual’s marriage adheres to the six previous principles and they feel that
there could still be more to add to their marriage is when the final principle, Principle 7: Create
Shared Meaning, comes to the pulpit. Dr. Gottman said, “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids,
splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with
creating an inner life together—a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation of
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your roles and your goals that link you and that lead you to understand who you are as a family”
(pp. 260-261). He also stated that “[a] crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an
atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions” (p. 262).
Dr. Gottman identified four pillars of shared meaning: (1) rituals of connection, (2) supporting
each other’s roles, (3) having shared goals, and (4) having shared values and symbols.
In all, the seven principles for making marriage work can help couples compromise;
avoid attitudes like the four horsemen—contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling;
create lifelong, positive habits; grow closer together in appreciation, love, and affection; and so
on.
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Resources
Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York:
Harmony Books