Power of Kindness
Power of Kindness
Power of Kindness
When we lie we subject our body to stress (increase in sweating, heart rate, musle tension and
blood pressure). Our brains tells the truth by default we are programmed to be sincere.
’To know yourself’ said the psychologist Sydney Jourard said in his book the transparent self ‘Is
the sine qua non of mental health’, but we can hardly know ourselves in isolation: we must let
ourselves first be known by someone without hiding. Fear and depression are just ways to hide
ourselves, as soon as we start to be transparent we feel better.
Eccentrics were longer lived and happier than average because they are not subject to stress of
having to conform to others expectations, their immune system is stronger.
Say No with intelligence: (sometimes in order to be kind you have to look first after yourself)
False kindness:
Genuine kindness
Recognize a problem rather than pretending it’s not there, and FACE IT!
Think of all the ways people can make others’ lives miserable!
It is an active and strong quality: It calls for awareness, self control, intelligence and good will.
All this generates a formidable inner strength more satisfactory and efficacious than the
exterior strength of money, competition, fault finding and intimidation
Not harming is the highest law,Ghandi: non violence is the basis of any relationship. A lesser evil
is still an evil, acceptance of a lesser evil is a dangerous compromise that slides into the
acceptance of all evil
Would you use torture in order to elicit precious information and save lives?
Harmlessness it has also to do with our mysterious capacity to make other people feel better
Verbal abuse (engraved in the brain) A recent study of young people found that those who
were victims of verbal abuse (and no other form of abuse) were more prone to depression,
anxiety, substance abuse and for being bullies!
Sociologists…gossip (sense of belonging), Labeling critisim, bad judgment leads to thinking bad
about others. Our relationship with a person is governed by the image we create for them
Pygmalion effect: our thoughts not only qualify how we perceive people, but they end up
influencing those people themselves and even shaping their lives
We are prisoners of our own negativity and it damages ourselves and others!
Our physical, emotional, imaginative, mental being has an effect upon others. Our inner world
makes our relationships
A hostile attitude is incompatible with any form of spiritual path.
Values aren’t separable they support one another…if we give up ethical living, if we forget
about cultivating our harmlessness we cannot hope to be serene and happy
3-Warmth
Warmth is the potential for all emotion and makes life itself possible. It is the prerequisite for
transformation. Babies do not get physical and psychological warmth they die and if they do
not get enough of it they do not thrive they grow up to become fearful, neurotic, aggressive
and possibly criminals.
When there is real warmth, no one is the same as everyone else. We all should be loved for
who we are but when warmth decreases we are all the same.
Whoever is close is intimate and warm, and whoever is remote is inaccessible and cold. It is not
only physical but psychological and spiritual too. It is the capacity to enter and to let enter.
A study on 10 000 men (does our wife show you love?)..negative results..angina pectoris.
We can bring in the lives of the people near to us vital changes, and we too we do not remain
unchanged!
When a person felt coldness and finds warmth it allows him to know things about himself.
Knowledge pf the heart gives us the chance to know others. You friend knows your friend needs
you
Sometimes it is okay to be cold to see the world around us without the screen of emotions and
preferences!
4-Forgiveness:
Make peace with the past you don’t wanna feed your anger, don’t fear what is gonna
happen to the one who harmed you. It is not an act of self-righteousness to affirm my
moral superiority.
We feel vulnerable because our identity is attached to the wrong we have received we
feel that we forgive we lose our identity and thus feel secure
It is a positive quality. It contains joy and faith in others, generosity of spirit. It free us
from
Psychotherapist: Sometimes forgiveness is the only remedy for those who suffered
grave wrongs
If you cant forgive for example your ex husband you wont be able to deal with men…
High and low forgivers experiment (High,,,,low stress, depression and anxiety levels)
Before forgiving acknowledge the injustice, as long as we don’t face our anger it will
remain, and kindness would have no room in us.
It is no accident that the cerebral activities of forgiveness and of empathy takes place in
the same area of the brain…be more empathetic, humble and less judgmental and put
yourself in the shoes of the one who harmed you….radical transformation of your
personality.
Being able to forgive and being able to say sorry are two sides of the same coin-both
require the same humility and flexibility
You see everything from a distance and with a certain detachment you will see it with
another point.
Love yourself,!! The reason why we don’t open up is because we feel inferior and other
people appear to us as better and more intelligent or we feel superior and we think it is
a waste of time
It’s a talent…(Capacity,,know the right way to engage and break the ice..Take advantage
of each opportunity..Each person is a window to a new world)
We often use some reassuring props because we feel naked, exposed! We protect
ourselves with roles, masks and props which reduce the quality of contact..be REAL
Extreme situations..pain opens us..it does away with all that Is inessential or superficial.
An empty new space allow real contact
A study showed that contact has a determining effect on health. Lack of contact related
to shorter life expectancy and more illness
Without contact people are like robots..Contact is an open door for kindness
And we influence others far more than we think and they know. By changing others’
state of mind we propagate ourselves in countless ways.
Right in the midst of everyday life we are given the chance to touch the lives of others
and thus change the world
6-Sense of belonging:
Who am I?It is impossible to know who we are without some reference to other, A
sense of belonging is a basic need like food, water, or a roof over our heads.
The little rituals revitalize the sense of being a part of a community, they comfort and
reassure us
There are things which make everyday life perhaps mother and more practical but
colder
We live in era of individualism, the individual is celebrated in every form (How we judge
and value others)
Individuality is certainly at the base of an extraordinary period of progress, but our egos
inflated and w ehave neglected our community, our feeling part of our human
environment in harmony with us.
When we feel isolated we will seek some affiliation at all costs, even with groups that
are violent or extremist
The person who is at risk includes confusion of identity, alienation from the family, eak
links with the community,
Sense of belonging..shouldnt be dependent on local and religious ties only, you should
feel something in common wherever you go (to feel part of a even larger group)
If instead I look at you knowing we both belong to the human race, but ith different
experiences but a common destiny,,I will feel openness, solidarity, empathy toward you
7-Trust
Each time we trust we put ourselves on the line, but if we don’t, nothing will happen
Muhamad Yunus..Founder of Grameen bank in Bangladesh.With his faith he has helped thousans of
people emerge from poverty and rise the dignity of independent means, the repayment of his loans is
99% higher by the repayment of rich clients in other banks
Trust,,,resolving of past traumas, The fears, doubts we carry not only block our actions, they erode our
energy
The gift of trust is a statement of relationships..it empowers the other person and expand his
possibilities.It creates intimacy..
Which relationship in your life has nourished you and why?Almost all the ases..It was a relationship
where they felt trusted
A recent study showed that high trusters are not native it is a matter of intelligence who is trustworthy
and who is not
At the midst of trust we find surrender , the ability to let go has profound and revolutionary effect on
us..We realize we cannot control everything\
8-Mindfulness
The past is already lost and the future is a fairytale only the present is here
A mindful life is the path to liberation but just a little bit of attention can carry us along the way
Lucky people were luck because of personal characteristics..more relaxed, they don’t let a happy
opportunity pass…they don’t live in fantasies.
Put into brackets your ideas and meet the present moment without preconceived notions (what you see
and what you hear,,,It’s all what it is!
If we are in the present we totally available without judgment or advice,,see the person infront of us,,in
fact it is the only way we can enter into relation with another
MORAL QUALITY!
Pay attention..For instance (you look pale, sad, you bought a new dress…) Chances are I am in touch
with my feelings with that person
If you are insensitive to the emotions of others, each relation becomes an impossible charade!
Step out of yourself and enter the life of others! Relationships then become a source of interest, of
emotional and spiritual nourishment
People who are more concerned with themselves are more likely to feel fearful and unhappy,,It is
related to higher levels of depression and anxiety..more satisfied in life, less dogmatic and more creative
Intention to see things from others’ point of view…can help resolve age old problems and racial
prejudices!
Training in empathy is one of the most urgent needs in our educational programs at all levels! (If
germans learned to enjoy jewish muscic like german ones, the holocaust wouldn’t happen!)
The willingness to identify with another for the sake of understanding him is seen by sme as a weakness.
The moment someone finds that he is understood he changes!
Suffering individuals do not need diagnoses, advice, interpretations, and manipulations. They need
genuine and total empathy. They can let go of their suffering and heal!
Oblivious empathy is a danger..We must meet our needs and make sure our life is under control before
we try to help someone else. Otherwise we are in for an accident! You should have first a healthy
relationship with your own and others’ sufferings.
Empathy is an ingredient of emotional intelligence. It means doing better at school, finding a job, having
better relationships!
Empathy isn’t a cheerful quality it has more to do with suffering. It is exactly when things are going badly
that empathy is needed
Accept the suffering…enter into your pain like a tunnel and get out of the other side. Sometimes
suffering is the only way to learn to be more empathetic..It makes you grow more mature, discover
emotions you weren’t aware of. You have more humility and kindness!
The highest level of empathy is compassion, it is a spiritual quality as it brings us out of our selfishness
and greed. It includes everyone even the least able, the least pleasant and the least intelligent. It opens
and unite us, it fills our hearts.
10-Humility
Recognize your strengths. Accept your weaknesses, don’t live in illusions..This is pure humility and it is a
great strength
Beginners, are willing to learn and take risks, They’re not assuming they know everything and sure of
it..even in relationships.
If you wanna be at ur best at learning, humility is your tool. We all prefer the prestige of a teacher than
the humility of a student! Being humble you work harder and prepare yourself better
Study..A student who overestimates his knowledge would fail the exam
Acknowledging that we have weaknesses shouldn’t build insecurities inside us. Some people work very
hard to prove they are better to mask their fears.
Put aside your public image and start from scratch and work on who you really are!
Someone who shows how clever he is cannot be kind and think he is better than everyone else. A
humble person would ensure that everybody wins
Our belief that we are unique and special is a remnant from childhood. Humility is the death of this
conviction.To realize we are not as important as we thought can be painful, but it is also liberating!
Give attention to the people around you. You are not the center of the universe, put aside your ego.
Think about how can you benefit others! Accept you are imperfect in an imperfect world, you affect
others and you need others!
In the age of hurry we don’t have even the time to savor what life gives us we seek new product and
stimuli and we never think it is enough! To see someone happy with almost nothing is a huge relief
11-Patience
Patience let us understand profound aspects of other people’s lives, rhythms and weaknesses
Caught up in urgency we forget what is important in life..we leave our souls behind. Kindness has a slow
pace! (Power and control)
if urgency arises …I-IT relationships..we transform the other into a means of satisfying our demands,
A study…(High paced cultures and TYPE A personalities ..impatient, competitive and irritable) suffer
more from cardiovascular diseases.Also the more we hurry the less we are likely to help!
Studies showed that those who postpone gratification have greater chance of success in their ventures
and their relations to others and more control over their lives
Perhaps we would discover that time is a mental construct. That there is no need to be afraid or to be In
hurry because nothing is ruuning away from us
If we can ever be free of the need to get there first, do more, earn more, then other people will no
longer appear as obstacles to our urgency
12-Generosity
The true benefit of generosity, for the giver isn’t a material advantage but an inner revolution..we put
less store in possession and more in people
He was learning that to give is an irreversible act of commitment. You can’t go back once you have
leaped into the void
Why is it so difficult to give? We fear permanent loss! To be generous means to conquer these fears and
redefine our boundaries. For the generous, borders are permeable. What is yours, your sufferings, your
problems is also mine (Compassion)
Generosity loosens our grip on our possession and allows us to let go (Self importance changes)
We don’t impose our generosity on others, because we think we know what’s best for them! Generosity
is never about judgment and embarrassing others!
True generosity is guided by awareness. It gives people what they really need! Giving that is not dictated
by a sense of guilt or wanting to create a dependence!
Generosity is not about material possessions only it is about spiritual qualities, our mental power
(thoughts), possibilities, work, sharing the best of our inner self!
Generosity is correlated with self esteem. Those who have high self esteem they tend to be more
generous and they gain an increase in their self esteem as well. Happier people are more generous and
become more happy
A documented fact that poorer people, proportionally to their income, give more to charity than richer
people. It seems that having little money keeps more in touch with the values that count or it helps
them understand the discomfort of lacking what is vital.
Generosity is to give which is dearest to us. It is an act that transforms us. After it, we will be poorer,
but we will feel richer and freer.
13-Respect
The way we treat other is never neutral, for we transform what we see. Pygmalion effect..if I change my
perception of a person he will change
Our attention brings energy, and our lack of attention takes it away. ‘Silent treatment’ the victim is
treated as if he doesn’t exist
Soul wound A soul that has a potential of love and intelligence …..if the true self is not seen, we are hurt
and this wound will accompany us into adulthood. In order to be accepted we will cut our ties with our
own true soul, we will try to be what others want us to be.
When we give attention to the qualities of other people, we also change as we are the product of our
everyday perceptions. We are the product of what we see!
Respect is not possible without a hearing ear esp when you have silenced the inner voice inside you.
Listening forces us to slow our pace, to consider because true understanding requires pause and
commitment.
I don’t remember what you said but I remember how you said it. It is not boring if we really listen
everyone has something interesting to say
Judging costs nothing it is quick and easy. It gives us a sense of superiority, judgement is linked to the
desire to control. At some time we shape others the way we want them to be
Tolerance is a great virtue. Without it there is no chance for change or growth. But there is a time for
tolerance and a time for zero tolerance
Withou space kindness is suffocated with space it lives and breathes this Is respect
14-Flexibility
The only way to survive consists in the art of adapting to events that continually take us by surprise.
It takes wisdom which comes from understanding that not everything can be under our control
The work of psychotherapy can be defined as the recovery or the learning of flexibility we help people
who are facing today’s situation with yesterday’s strategy
Face the reality because it proceeds of its own without considering our hopes and desires.
It is a spiritual quality, it implies freedom from attachments, wakefulness in the present and acceptance
of what is
CREATVITY: this attitude becomes a way of life. We are able to let go of old models and we become
humble enough to start all over again
Research: children who most easily accept the frustration turn out to be the strongest
Because flexible people accept what is, they are easier to be with (desires and demands are the arena
which a relationship is put to the test)
Many people are afraid of intimacy they put a barrier made of continuous demands and impositions!
Anything that might conflict with our fixed idea of a person will annoy us ,w e expect those around us to
continue being what they were
Give the people you love the freedom to be what they want to be
Flexibility let you accept and adapt without getting depressed or angry
The problem is our culture prizes self affirmation and views yielding as a weakness and a defeat
Those who always wanna look the strongest at all costs are usually the weakest!
The nicest aspect of being flexible and the one that has most to do with kindness is availability
People who wanna look always unavailable they think they are more important
15-Memory:
To our narcissistic minds people only exist only when we see them, touch the, hear the or at least think
about them. We forget the people we are no longer interested in or can do us good
‘Consumerism’we are always looking for new products and getting rid of the old ones
The essence of memory is not the storage of information but in the emotions we hold, in the meaning
we give to our recollections and preserve our souls. Through my memories I build my life and my
identity.
It is the means through which I remember people around me (To ignore and forget someone is invisible
violence as it pushes the other person into realm and loneliness) It is devastatating a
Another way of remembrance is to think of everybody as equally important and valuable. The act of
remembrance make others feel worthwhile
Remembering is important for the person who does it, as with our fast lifestyle we lose the sense of who
we really are…we act upon things in our subconscious without having the time to reflect on our
memories
Make peace with your past as it is affecting the way you deal with other people
It is the foundation of relationships. The ones that exist only for someone’s advantage have fragile
foundation and last only as long their originating motive survives
What counts is the good feeling that comes from giving presence, support and friendship
The capacity to last even in difficult and uncomfortable moments is an essential ingredient of kindness.
(LOYALTY)
(substance) Those who know what they want and are fully in contact with their feelings and memories,
and didn’t accept blindly their ideas and principles have the strength to be loyal on the contrary those
who don’t recognize the value they have inside them they are terrified to look into their feelings, their
self esteem is too low and have been hurt they prefer to lie superficially
These people easily change their minds with fashion and circumstances. Their relationships are short
lived because they are based mainly on private gain (opportunistic)
Brand loyalty?? Desperate need to trust someone or something. To love and be loved to gain stability,
protection, belonging, meaning
Age of distraction: we are always invited to think something other thn what we are thinking (I couldn’t
care less what you’re doing!
Loyalty is the opposite of distraction..it is being with it consists in keepin the thread without allowing
distractions to guide us
Mother-child….Friendship
To hold a friend in the heart without judgment and demand! Friendship heals and regenerates
Study..on depressed women that one loyal friend is more important than therapy sessions
Reliability: being faithful to your own feelings,,we feel a fundamental ontegrity that gives us a sense of
well being
Maybe disloyal gain immediate advantages but sooner or later they feel fraganted nd guilty. Taking
advantage of someone it is more harmful for the disloyal person
When you are disloyal to someone you make them lose faith and hope
17-Gratitude:
It is an attitude of the mind based on recognizing the value of what life offers us that which before it had
no value and that frees our emotions
Psychologist: Depression is not a result of what happens to us but by what we tell ourselves..our inner
monologue. If we continually criticize ourselves and others, find only what is wrong, and feel sorry for
ourselves, we will surely be unhappy
Open up, put your pride aside in order to recognize that our happiness depends on someone else
To be grateful is to let ourselves be known, show yourself as who you are..no defenses
Gratitude by definition is antiheroic. It does not depend on courage or strength.it is based on our
incompleteness
True gratitude is born only where solidarity and the awareness of evil are present..otherwise it is
consumerism and false and superficial optimism..sometimes it is the dramas of life that open us to
gratitude
Pyschotherapy…Whenever one of my clients feels gratitude, I know she is healed. For me it is the single
most certain criterion for knowing how well a person is.
People who do not know how to receive and do not feel thankful for what they have been given are in
trouble when they try to be kind
We are more like cells with permeable membranes living by continuous exchange;
You need to know a size small service can yield results extra large
Those who pretend to be kind find s many advantages in this attitude they often end up being kind for
real
Don’t wait for a return. A spontaneous gift has become an item in a budget: Its original beauty has
suddenly vanished. You don’t mention what good you did because you are probably busy doing more
good
Transforming service which in essence is the forgetting of self into an opportunity for showing how
clever we are. Placing ourelves at the center and making gratitude a duty!
Homes are like people and service is not just what you do but what you are. We transmit what we are
aad we are what we have worked to become
1-JUST LOOK
Service helps us to purify our own motivation become disinterested and therefore freer…
In service you find value, your self esteem grow, you enter into a relation with another human being.
And if inevitably he meets frustration, failure or ingratitude, his motivation is ut to the test and he has
the possibility of emerging stronger for it
It frees us from the prison of our ego. We are usually shut in with everything that makes us hope and
suffer: the prison of our ego. Then we find a key to get out: looking after other, being interested in their
predicaments, making contact and that is the key to our own freedom
One of the difficulties is to think we have no effect in all the evil in the world!
19- JOY
Spiritual congestion!! It does us good to radiate to other. All good things must be circulated not stored
True kindness is given happily, You cannot be kind unless at least you are a little cheerful
Do you prefer be helped by someone who is sacrificing themselves or by someone who is happy doing
it?
An akin to happiness is HUMOR. A capacity to see the contradictions and absurdities of our life and not
take ourselves too seriously
Joy comes because our life has meaning even if there is effort and frustration
2 steps to be optimistic
1--- Analyze yourself ( we are perfectionists so we are always feeling guilty..being conscious of this self
sabotage is often enough to loosen the grip of these destructive attitudes
We fear being happy…we feel unworthy.with all the pain in the world how dare we be happy?
If we seek joy we would be much more positive and open to others, we will be on their side
--
Egoism and altruism need not to be in opposition, We can truly be useful to others if we follow that
which enriches and inspires us. First of all we have to find out what gives us joy then it will be more
likely all will go well
What is essential is the transparency of intentions..Whoever succeeds in being kind without ulterior
motives is more likely to feel joy