Aspects of Community

ASPECTS OF COMMUNITY

Community as Openness:

People come together because they are of the same flesh and blood or of
the same village and tribe; some wanting security and comfort come
together because they are alike and have the same vision of themselves
and of the world; some come together because they want to grow in
universal love and compassion. It is these latter who create true
community.

The difference between community and a group of friends is that in

community we verbalise our mutual belonging and bonding. We
announce the goals and spirit that unites us. We recognize together that
we are responsible for one another. We recognize also that this bonding
comes from God; it is a gift from God. It is he who has chosen us and
called us together in a covenant of love and mutual caring.

So often groupings do not work together for the glory of God They close
themselves off one from another, each one certain that they are the
chosen people, the beloved of God, the special community that will
renew the face of the earth; that they are the best and have the truth.
When they do not work together, groups create apartheid. Walls are built
up between them, rivalry and competition set in. This leads to jealousy
which in turn, leads to hatred and warfare. Thus what began so
beautifully ends up so horribly. They become so blinded by their own
concerns and desire for power; they are unable to see and appreciate the
beauty of others.

Communities are truly communities when they are open to others, when
they remain vulnerable and humble; when the members are growing in
love, in compassion and in humility. Communities cease to be such when
members close in upon themselves with the certitude that they alone have
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wisdom and truth and expect everyone to be like them and learn from
them.

The fundamental attitudes of true community, where there is true

belonging, are openness, welcome, and listening to God, to the universe,
to each other and to other communities.
It is based on forgiveness and openness to those who are different, to the
poor and the weak. Sects put up walls and barriers out of fear, out of a
need to prove themselves and to create a false security.
Community is the breaking down of barriers to welcome difference.

Community as Caring:

If community is Belonging and openness, it is also loving concern for

each person. In other words we could say it is caring, bonding and
mission. These three elements define it.

In community, people care for each other and not just for the community
in the abstract, as a whole, as an institution or as an ideal way of life. It is
people that matter, or it should be people that matter! To love and care for
the people who are there, just as they are. It is not just caring in a passing
way but in a permanent way. We have been called together to be a sign
and witness, to accomplish a particular mission which is our charism and
gift.

A community that is committed to itself – to appearing perfect, stable and

secure – rather than to people, to their growing and inner freedom, is like
a person giving an address who is more interested in the beauty and
coherence of the talk rather than in whether the audience can hear and
understand it.

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Community must never take precedence over individual people. It is for

people and for their growth. In fact its beauty and unity come from the
radiance of each person in their truth, love and union with others.

Some times we find in our community settings that some superiors

suppress individual conscience in the interest of a greater unity. They
tend to stop people from thinking, from having their own conscience,
from voicing their opinion. Such insecure superiors kill initiative and
creativity. They want people to think alike and so we have manipulation
of intelligence, a brainwashing. Unity here is based on fear – the fear of
being yourself or of finding yourself alone if you leave the others, the
fear of a tyrannical authority.

If community is for growth of the personal consciousness and freedom,

and not just for the collective consciousness, with the security it brings,
there will be times when some people find themselves in conflict with
their community. Some out of fear of this conflict and of loneliness will
refuse to follow their personal freedom and inner conscience; they choose
not to ‘rock the boat’. Other will choose to grow personally but the price
they will have to pay will be a certain anguish and loneliness as they feel
separated from the group.

In community, people are called always to become more. It can be so

easy for some to be stifled and even manipulated by the group, or
overcome by a terrible fear of being rejected if they are in contradiction
to the group or appear to be different from others. Belonging should
always be for becoming.
The right question to ask is: Who am I trying to please? If we are trying
always to please God and not just the group, then e will grow and the
community will be for people.

Workers come together in a factory to produce things and to make a good

living wage. Soldiers come together in an army to prepare for war. People
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come together in community because they want to create a place of

caring. Community is not for producing things outside of itself; it is not
for gathering of people struggling to win a cause. It is a place of
communion where people care for each other, and are cared for by others;
a place where they become vulnerable to one another.

In community, people let down barriers; appearances and masks

disappear. But this is not easy. Many people have built up their
personalities precisely by hiding their wounded hearts behind the barriers
of independence and of the attitude. I’ I know, you don’t’. They are
highly active and their activity is based on a need to assert, to succeed, to
control, to do projects and to be recognized.

A community comes about when people are not longer hiding from one
another, no longer pretending or proving their value to one another.
Barriers have come down and they can live together an experience of
communion.

Reflecting on our relationship with one another in community maybe we

could ponder and see if we are truly caring:
Why are there misunderstandings and arguments among members?
Do we want to prove anything, or assert ourselves or show that we are in
charge?
What is the reason we are afraid to share with our community the
problems that we encounter in our work, school, and apostolate?
Is it because we will be criticized rather than helped?
If we say we are caring and are concerned about one another, how many
of us know our community members, their backgrounds, their families
etc.?

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Community, a place of healing & growth:

When people enter community, especially from a place of loneliness or a

place of aggression and rejection, they find warmth and the love
exhilarating. This helps them to start lifting their masks and barriers and
to become vulnerable.

But then too, as they lift their masks and become vulnerable, they
discover that community can be a terrible place, because it is a place of
relationship; it is a revelation of our wounded emotions and of how
painful it can be to live with others, especially with some people.

As we live with people daily, all the anger, hatred, jealousies and fear of
others, also the need to dominate to run away or to hide, seem to rise up
from the wounds of our early childhood.

Community is the place where our limitations, our fears and our egoism
are revealed to us. We discover our poverty and our weaknesses, our
inability to get on with people, our mental and emotional blocks, our
affective or sexual disturbances, our seemingly insatiable desires, our
frustrations and jealousies, our hatred and our wish to destroy.
Community life brings a painful revelation of our limitations, weaknesses
and darkness; the unexpected discovery of the monsters within us is hard
to accept.

Just as we know that marriage is not just a honeymoon; it is also a time of

loss. Each one loses their individual independence. Each one sacrifices
his or her ego for a relationship in which man and woman have become
one. That is also the pain of community life.

When our communities are caring enough and we experience being loved
and accepted in community, it becomes a safe place for us and allows us
gradually to accept ourselves as we are, with our wounds and all the
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monsters. We are broken, but we are loved. We can grow to greater

openness and compassion; Community becomes the place for liberation
and growth.

Sympathies & Antipathies:

The two great dangers of community are: ‘friends’ & ‘enemies’.

People very soon get together with those who are like themselves; we all
like to be with someone who pleases us, who shares our ideas, ways of
looking at life and sense of humour. We nourish each other, we flatter
each other: ‘You are marvellous’ – ‘So are you, we incense each other.
The ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’ attitude. Friendship is then no
longer a spur to grow, to go further, to be of greater service to our
brothers and sisters. Friendship then becomes stifling, a barrier between
ourselves and others and their needs. It becomes an emotional
dependence which is a form of slavery.

In community there are always people with whom we don’t agree, who
block us, who contradict us and who stifle the treasure of our life and
freedom. We seem incapable of expressing ourselves or even of living
peacefully when we are with them. Others bring out our envy and
jealousy; they are everything we wish we were ourselves. Their presence
reminds us of what we are not; their radiance and their intelligence
underline our own poverty.

Others ask too much of us; we cannot respond to their incessant

emotional demands and we have to push them away. These are the
‘enemies’. They endanger us, and, even if we dare not admit it we hate
them. Certainly, this is only a psychological hatred – it isn’t yet a moral
hatred, because it is not deliberate. But even so, we just wish these people
didn’t exist! If they disappeared or died, it would seem like a liberation.

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When you go into some communities, you can quickly sense these
tensions and underground battles. People don’t look at each other in the
face. They pass each other in the corridors like ships in the night. A
community is only a community when most of its members have
consciously decided to break these barriers and come out of their cocoons
of friendship to stretch out their hands to their enemies.

Scott Peck shares a thought on pseudo-communities:

These are where people pretend to live community. Everybody is polite
and obeys rules and regulations. They speak in platitudes and
generalities. But underlying it all is an immense fear of conflict, a fear of
letting out the monsters. If people start truly to listen to each other and to
get involved, speaking from their guts, their anger and fears may rise up
and they may start hitting each other over the head with frying pans. It
would be chaos. But from that chaos, healing would come. They will
realize what a terrible mess the community is in, what horrible fears
inhabit them. Then they feel lost and empty. What to do; what road to take?
They discover that they have been living in a state of falsehood. And it is then that the
miracle of community can happen! Feeling lost, but together, they start to share their
pain, their disillusionment and their love, and then discover their brotherhood and
sisterhood; they start praying to God for light and for healing, and discover
forgiveness. They discover community.

Community as Forgiveness:

As long as we refuse to accept that we are a mixture of light and

darkness, of positive qualities and failings, of love and hate, of altruism
and egocentricity, of maturity and immaturity, and that we are all children
of the same Father, we will continue to divide the world into enemies and
friends.

When we accept that we have weaknesses and flaws, that we have sinned
against God and against our brothers and sisters, but that we are forgiven

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and can grow towards inner freedom and truer love, then we can accept
the weaknesses and flaws of others.   

In community it is so easy to judge and then condemn others. We lock up

people in a category: ‘He or she is like this or like that.’ When we do that
we refuse them the possibility of growing. Jesus tells us not to judge or
condemn. This is the sin of community life. When we judge we are
pushing people away; we are creating a wall, a barrier. When we forgive
we are destroying barriers; we come closer to others.

There are moments when we judge others too quickly not knowing or
assimilated all the facts or circumstances. We can also be prejudiced
about people without even having met them but having heard stories
about them. It is so easy to see the flaws in others instead of affirming all
that is positive in them.

Community is the place for forgiveness. In spite of all the trust we may
have in each other, there are always words that wound, self-promoting
attitudes, situations where susceptibilities clash. That is why living
together implies a cross, a constant effort, an acceptance which is daily
and mutual forgiveness.

To forgive is also to understand the cry behind the behaviour. People are
saying something through their anger and / or anti-social behaviour.
Perhaps they feel rejected. Perhaps they feel that no one is listening to
what they have to say or maybe they feel incapable of expressing what
they feel inside them. To forgive is also to look into oneself and to see
where one should change, where one should also ask for forgiveness and
make amends.

Forgiveness is a tool that will get you through the healing process so you
can begin to live your life.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that any misdeeds
against you are O.K. It just means that you don't want them to have
power over you anymore. There comes a time when you have to say to
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your past, "thank you for your lessons, but I'm bigger than this and it is
time I move on." According to Dr. John Grey, "Forgiveness is letting go
of our tendency to hold others responsible for our situation in life. By
releasing others of any obligation to make amends or change them, we
also free ourselves to move on and make our own dreams come true."
You deserve to make your dreams come true. So take a deep breath and
walk on. Even if you think you are letting them (meaning anyone who
has hurt you) off the hook by doing so. It doesn't matter. You are a grown
up now. Make it about you, not about your father, mother, spouse,
children, work associates or whoever may have recently hurt you. It's fine
if you can't forgive those who have hurt your heart in one full swoop. But
love yourself enough to not allow them to break your spirit. Some things
seem unforgivable for sure. I know because I have experienced them. But
know that the only person you are hurting by holding on to your anger is
you. While we can't necessarily change our circumstances all the time, we
can change our perception of the experience. We can choose to be fully
accountable for our life experience. We can choose to not blame others
for our unhappiness. We can choose to forgive. We can choose to heal.
We can choose to look for the gifts hidden within our pain.

Many people will forgive everyone that has ever crossed their path, yet
still have a nagging feeling that they forgot someone. The person usually
in need of the most forgiveness is the one staring back from the mirror.
We can be our own worst enemy. No one can do a job on us like us. We
beat ourselves up. We put ourselves in emotional prisons. We withhold
love.

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not knowing better. Forgive

yourself for poor choices. Forgive yourself for staying. Forgive yourself
for going. Loving yourself deeply is a prerequisite to a happy life. In
order to evolve towards a life filled with love of self, you must forgive.
Give yourself permission to let it go. We all do the best that we can do in
the moment. And as the wise Maya Angelou says, "when you know

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better, you do better." You'll be doing everyone in your life a favor by

letting yourself off the hook.....

From ‘the community for myself’ to ‘myself for the community’

A community is only truly a body when the majority of its members is

making the transition from ‘the community for myself’ to ‘myself for the
community’, wehen each person’s heart is opening to all the others,
without exception. This is the movement from egoism to love, from death
to resurrection.

A community isn’t just a place where people live under the same roof;
that is a lodging house or a hotel. Nor is a community a work-team. It is a
place where everyone – or let’s be realistic, the majority! – is emerging
from the shadows of egocentricity to the light of a real love.

Love is neither sentimental nor a passing emotion. It is recognition of a

covenant, of a mutual belonging. It is listening to others, being concerned
for them and feeling empathy with them. It is to see their beauty and
reveal it to them.

It means answering their call and their deepest needs. It means feeling
and suffering with the – weeping when they weep, rejoicing when they
rejoice. Loving people means being happy when they are there, sad when
they are not. It is living in each other, taking refuge in each other.

To love we must die continually to our own ideas, our own

susceptibilities and our own comfort. The path of love is woven of
sacrifice.

A community is not simply a group of people who live together and love
each other. It is a place of resurrection, a current of life: one heart, one

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soul one spirit. It is people. Very different one from another, who love
each other and who are all reaching towards the hope and celebrating the
same love.

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