Session 1

Sparks, Squabbles, Spats,

and Such: Our Words Matter
Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.
(Prov erbs 18 : 21 ESV )

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 Video: Sparks, Squabbles, Spats, and Such:
Our Words Matter (19 minutes)
Play the video teaching segment for session one. As you watch, record any
thoughts or concepts that stand out to you in the outline that follows.

Notes
Words are powerful and they have consequences.

What starts as a little spark can become a booming blaze, as in the

Colorado Black Forest fire of 2013.

James 3:2 – 12 tells us this about the tongue:

• It can corrupt our whole body.

• It cannot be tamed.

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• It cannot pour out both what is bitter and what is sweet.

Luke 6:45 states that the mouth speaks what the heart is already full of.
We need to learn to “mind our spillage.”

In our homes, often the problem isn’t how we talk about our family
members but rather how we talk to them.

Our tongues are fire. From where will they be lit: above or below? Are
our words a sword or a salve?

Let’s learn to pause before we pounce; to not say something perma-

nently painful just because you are temporarily ticked off.

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 Session 1: Spar ks , Squabble s, Spat s , and Su ch: O ur Word s M atter

Perhaps we need a “force quit” feature for our mouths.

Group Discussion (10 minutes)

Take a few minutes to discuss what you just watched.

1. What part of the video teaching had the most impact on you?

2. Can you think of an example when, as a school-age girl, your words — ​

or the words of one of your friends — ​caused drama? Describe the
situation.

3. It has been estimated that women speak around twenty thousand

words a day. That’s a lot of yacking! Brainstorm as a group the many
areas of life where we use our words — ​both spoken and written.
Ready? Fire away.

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Cluster Group Discussion (10 minutes)

If your group is comprised of more than twelve members, consider completing
this discussion in smaller groups of three to six ­people each.

4. King David penned the words to Psalm 15. Have someone read this
psalm aloud to the group. In the space below, record as many obser-
vations as you can about what is mentioned about our words. Num-
ber them as well to see how many you can come up with.

• Our group’s observations:

• What do you learn from recording these particular words and

phrases about the kind of person David says will “dwell on
[God’s] holy hill” (v. 1 ESV)?

• Are there any guidelines you can draw out of this passage
for how we can use our words wisely in the future? Can you
think of a specific example that pertains to a current, real-life
situation?

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 Session 1: Spar ks , Squabble s, Spat s , and Su ch: O ur Word s M atter

Group Discussion (15 minutes)

Gather back together as one large group and answer the following questions.

5. What is one insight you gained from the small group activity about
Psalm 15 and the picture it paints of how we should use our words?

6. In the video segment, Karen described the Black Forest fire in Colo-
rado in 2013. She also referred to James 3:2 – 6 and how in it James
likens our tongue to fire. What insights did you get out of this anal-
ogy of fire? What similarities can you draw between the reality of fire
and the effects of our words?

7. Karen talked about how her and her husband’s opposite personalities
and different styles of completing tasks can cause conflict and clash-
ing. Do you live or work with someone who either has a polar oppo-
site personality or does things in a way you never would? Does this
ever make you use your words in a wrong manner? If so, how?

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8. In the video, we were encouraged to “pause before we pounce” — ​to

not say something permanently painful just because we are tempo-
rarily ticked off. Give an example of a time when you paused and it
prevented you from wounding with your words, or a time when you
didn’t pause and you wish you had.

9. Time to flip your thinking! Instead of just “unloading” the next time
you may be angry about someone’s actions or irritated at the way he
or she approaches situations, give yourself a little pep talk while you
pause and ponder. List some things you might say to yourself to avoid
saying something permanently painful just because you are temporar-
ily ticked off.

10. “Are your words a sword or a salve?” Ouch! What does this word
picture bring to mind when you read it? Can you think of anyone
you know whose words seem to be a salve instead of a sword? Give an
example. How do you feel when you are around them?

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Individual Activity: What Is God Saying to Me? (3 minutes)

Complete this activity on your own.
Take a mental inventory of your life. In what areas do you most struggle
with using your words correctly? It might not just be that you use
them in an angry manner. It may be that you don’t speak up when you
should. Or you speak too much. Or you talk before really listening to
the other person. Or you don’t speak the truth because you are afraid of
what someone else might think. Perhaps you are a ­people-pleaser and
say yes when you should say no, and then find yourself overcommit-
ted and miserable. Checkmark any areas below where you need a little
help with your language:
r Work situations
r Relationship with my husband
r Relationship with my kids
r Dealing with neighbors
r Extended family situations
r When talking with other parents
r At church
r Online
r Friendships (either longtime friends or newer ones)
r When dealing with ­people I see throughout my day: at the
grocery store, the bank, the coffeehouse, etc.
r Other _______________________________________________

Now go back and put a star in front of the one or two areas where
you most feel God may be prompting you to change how you behave
when it comes to your speech.

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Closing Prayer (2 minutes)

Have one person close in prayer. Then, get ready to learn more in your
between-sessions personal study before meeting for session two!

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 Session 1: B et w een -s e ssi on s per s onal s tudy

B etween-Se ss ion s Per s onal Study

Read and Learn

Read chapters 1 – 2 of the Keep It Shut book. Use the space below to record
any insights you discovered or questions you may want to bring to the next
group session.

Study and Reflect

1. Can you recall any incident from childhood or your teenage years
where either you let your words get you in trouble, or the words of
someone else stung so much that it still hurts somewhat (or even a
lot!) today? What was it about the words spoken, or the person to
whom they were said, that made this an incident you still can recall as
an adult?

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2. In chapter one of Keep It Shut, Karen writes this about James 3:6:

The passage in James also talks about how the tongue can
corrupt our whole body. I myself know very well from the
times I have wished I could take back my words; often my
whole body is affected. My mind races with regret. My heart
pounds. My stomach churns and becomes tied up in knots
as I fret and stress over what now might happen. My fingers
fidget, and I can’t seem to concentrate. Sometimes my feet
pace as I ponder what I possibly can do now to get myself out
of the royal mess I now find myself in.
page 14

• Have you ever felt this way? If so, describe the situation here:

• How does this concept of our whole body being affected when we
misuse our tongue tie into what James says in chapter 3, the last part
of verse 2? Write what that portion of Scripture says here:

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• The ESV and NIV versions of the Bible use the word perfect in
James 3:2. The HCSB translation uses the word mature. The
original Greek word used here is teleios. It is an adjective that
means full-grown, complete, having reached maturity, especially as
it relates to character. Does knowing the background of this word
shed any new light on what you think this verse means?

• Finally, using a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being “never” and 10

being “always”), use the chart on the next pages to evaluate each
relational area of your life when it comes to how often you speak
in a mature manner, displaying character that is evidence of
Chris­tian growth. Record your rating in column two. Jot a phrase
or two about what needs improvement (if anything) in column
three. (You may need additional space if you have more family or
work relationships than allowed for in the chart.)

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Area Rating What I Need to Improve

Husband

Child

_________________________

Child

_________________________

Child

_________________________

Child

_________________________

Child

_________________________
Family member

_________________________

Family member

_________________________

Family member

_________________________

Family member

_________________________

Coworker

_________________________

Coworker

_________________________

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Area Rating What I Need to Improve

Coworker

_________________________

Friend

_________________________

Friend

_________________________

Friend

_________________________

Friend

_________________________
Online words (social media,
blog comments)

Church/civic situation

Church/civic situation

P­ eople in daily settings: bank,

grocery store, etc.
Other
_________________________
Other
_________________________
Other
_________________________
Other
_________________________

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What do you learn from the preceding exercise? Do you see any
commonalties?

A survey through the Bible reveals that God places great

importance on the way we use our speech. In fact, the words
tongue, talk, speak, words, mouth, and silence are used over
3,500 times in the Bible. The pages of Scripture are full of
­people just like you and me. Some of them serve as a great
example of how we should use our words to build up, encour-
age, and speak for truth. However, there are others who seem
to be the poster children for just how not to use our mouths.
Keep It Shut, pages 15–16

In chapter 2 of Keep It Shut, we encounter an example of someone who

used his words — ​and sometimes his silence — ​wisely and strategically: the
Old Testament character Joseph. Glance back over this portion in the book
(pages 26 – 37), and then answer the following questions:

3. What stands out to you most about the way Joseph behaved when it
comes to the words he uttered or even the times he remained silent?
Did you learn anything new that you hadn’t discovered about him
before? If so, record it briefly in the space below.

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4. Karen also listed several cues we can take from Joseph’s life. Which
most resonated with you? Checkmark any that apply and then, in the
space provided, record why it jumped out at you. What is taking place
in your life currently that made that particular statement speak to you
right now?

√ Cue from Joseph’s Life Why It Speaks to Me

Beware of bragging — ​and the

impact your good news could
have on others.

Say what honors God, not what

other p­ eople want to hear.

Realize that lies are the minus-

cule snowflakes in a monumen-
tal snowball.

Give God credit where credit

is due.

Watch your words in the

workplace.

Just because you have a rea-

son to retaliate does not mean
you’re justified in doing so.

Don’t be God.

Do be nice.

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Now go back and place a star in front of the statement you most want
to work on this next week. For added effect, write the statement on a sticky
note and post it somewhere you will be sure to see it (your bathroom mirror,
on your desk, on the dashboard of your car, etc.). Or set a calendar reminder
on your phone for a few days from now with the particular phrase written
out. When it pops up, do a quick self-evaluation to see how you are doing
with regards to that principle from the life of Joseph.

All the humans you encounter throughout the course of the

day are “on purpose” p ­ eople. God plopped them into your
life for a reason.
These souls — ​whether they are of the easy-to-love variety
or the scratchy sandpaper kind — ​can be used by God to
mold, reshape, and sometimes stretch our souls as he per-
petually crafts us into creations who are becoming more and
more like his Son.
Will we be perfect?
Nope. Never. (Not until heaven!)
Just like Joseph?
Maybe close.
But of this I’m certain: others can catch a quick glimpse
of J­esus when they see us speak and act in ways that honor
him and line up with God’s Word.
Keep It Shut, page 41

5. In chapter 2 of Keep It Shut (pages 38 – 39), Karen explains the con-

cept of grace and gracious speech as taught in the Bible. Does the
clever way her husband was taught to remember just what grace is
(G.R.A.C.E. = God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense) help your under-
standing? Or does it equip you to better explain it to someone else?
How so?

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6. Look up the following Bible passages. After each, write how it speaks
to the concept of having gracious speech.
• Psalm 145:8

• Proverbs 15:26

• Proverbs 16:21

• Proverbs 16:24

• Ecclesiastes 10:12

• Colossians 4:6

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X marks the spot! Based on what you just read in Scripture, how are
you doing in the “gracious speech” quest? Place an X on the contin-
uum below closest to where you would say your overall speech toward
others generally falls:

Grumpy, Usually gracious, Gracious and godly . . .

not very grace-giving but I do have my moments well, most of the time

Now, are there any adjustments you need to make to your language to
enable your words to be more grace-laced? If so, what are they?

Scripture Memory Verse of the Week

Each week of this study will feature a verse to ponder and even memorize
if you desire. For your convenience, all verses are printed in the back of this
study guide. You may photocopy that page on card stock or colored paper
and then cut out the verses to make them into memory cards. The memory
verses are the size of a standard business card, so you can tuck them into
a portable business card holder and carry them with you throughout the
day. Or put them in a prominent place — ​purse, dashboard, desk, kitchen
sink — ​where you can read, study, or memorize them. (You may want to
laminate them if posting them at your kitchen sink. Karen has a friend who
actually places laminated memory verses in her shower! She calls it her

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“Showers of Blessing Prayer Closet.”) Consider pairing with another study

group member to help you stay accountable to memorize the six verses. You
could come a few minutes early to class — ​or stay a bit longer — ​to practice
your verses with each other.
Here is our verse for this week:

Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs. Wis-
dom is found on the lips of the discerning.
Proverbs 10:12 – 13a

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