Narcissistic

Personality Disorder
How to Spot the Subtle Signs of a
Narcissist and Continue to Thrive After
an Encounter









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Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 - The Basics of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Why It’s So Hard to Heal
The Narcissist’s Grip
The Feeling of Guilt
The Lack of Support
The Influence of Mainstream Media
The Unacknowledged Truth
The Cornerstones of Healing
Understanding the Truth about Narcissists
Ruminating the Past
Maintaining Your Distance
Chapter 2 - The Narcissist Archetype
The Subtle Signs of Narcissism
Not a Single Bad Shot
Aversion to Correction
A Loud Voice That Demands to Be Heard
The Need to Please and Flatter
Damned Either Way
Narcissistic Behavior Patterns
Gaslighting
Smear Campaign
Abuse by Proxy
Spotting a Narcissist in the Real World
A Pleasing Personality
…Only When It’s Necessary
When No One’s Looking
Successful Yet Exaggerated
Chapter 3 - How They Come to Be
Narcissistic Parents
A Faulty Way to See the World
Fueled by Outsiders
Your Role in the Narcissist’s Life
Chapter 4 - The Aftermath
 Understanding Your Feelings
Guilt
Isolation
Disbelief
Dealing with Your Abuser
Vacate All Venues for Communication
Stop Updating Yourself on Their Life
Ruminate the Truth
Keep Yourself Preoccupied
When Push Comes to Shove
How NOT to Handle a Narcissist
Telling Other People about the Narcissist
Taking Them to a Therapist
Chapter 5 - When Tendencies Stick
How to Erase the Narc’s Effects
Be Mindful
Learn to Accept Others’ Advantages
Erase the Aggression
Chapter 6 - Coping with Outsiders Looking In
The Struggle of Isolation
All the Wrong Reasons
Chapter 7 - Focusing on You
Avoiding Distractions
On the Road to Recovery
Write a Journal
Find a New Circle of Friends
Don’t Rush Yourself
Don’t Apologize for the Narc
Discovering Your Inner Child
Enjoy Your Own Company
Set Boundaries
Special Situations - Can I Stay?
The Narcissistic Spouse
The Narcissistic Parent
Forged in Fire
A Pleasant Surprise
Conclusion
Image Sources:
Introduction
You’ve been through enough, and now, it’s time to heal. It might have taken you
a while, but you’re here and you’re on your way to a fuller, happier life, away
from the abuse. So, take a deep breath, smile, and give yourself a pat on the
back. It definitely wasn’t easy.
Being the victim of a narcissist can be draining, exhausting, and painful. For
many, the abuse can span years without resolve, making it harder and harder to
escape the situation with each passing day. Unfortunately, the longer you stay
with a narcissist, the deeper you fall into their trap, becoming more and more
entangled in their web as they continue to tighten their grip around your neck.
But if you’re reading this now, then that means you’ve already been through the
toughest part, and that’s something to be proud of. Many of those who suffer
through narcissistic relationships claim that it feels like being stuck in a vicious
cycle – the abuser controls your thoughts, you’re programmed to please them,
and the toxicity of the relationship is concealed by blaming you for every little
thing that goes wrong. So yes, finally making the decision to just leave is
something to celebrate.
So, what happens now? What happens after you’ve left? How do you deal with
these feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness? What are you supposed to do if you
feel like it’s better to go back, apologize, and become a cog in the narcissist’s
system once more? What if you want them back in your life?
What happens now?
While the hardest part of the process is leaving, healing after parting ways with a
narcissist can be nearly as difficult. The mechanisms they put in place might still
be in operation, making it hard for you to see the abuse for what it really was.
Although it might be tough and although you might feel like there’s no end to
the pain and guilt, you’d be relieved to learn that healing is possible.
And it becomes even more of a reality when you follow guides like this.
If it’s any consolation, you should know that you’re not the first to have gone
through narcissistic abuse. Countless others before you have seen the hurt,
betrayal, and sadness, and they’ve recovered from the years of mistreatment to
become better, fuller, happier people with fulfilling relationships and a greater
sense of self-worth.
What you need to know is that that is something you can have, too.
So, if you’re stuck at a crossroads, you’re not sure where to go, and you’re still
struggling with pain from years of being forced to back down and depend on
others to show you your worth, then now is the time.
Let’s start your journey towards the happiest years of your life.
Chapter 1 - The Basics of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and
affection.”
- Sharon Salzberg
You were convinced that it would be better for you. You believed you would
feel free. You thought you would be able to take the pain. So why is it so
difficult? Why does the hurt seem to have made a home in your heart and your
mind? Why do you feel even more trapped than ever?
Needless to say, healing from a narcissistic relationship might not follow the
same process that other separations do. There are certain factors that can make it
even harder for you, and that’s why you might feel particularly at a loss in the
months that follow your leaving.

Understanding why it might be difficult can provide you valuable insight to help
you realize that all these negative thoughts and feelings are temporary – they’re
nothing more than latent side-effects of the abuse that you’ve suffered all this
time. The sooner you realize where they’re stemming from, the sooner you’d be
able to nip them at the root and slowly release yourself from entanglement.
Why It’s So Hard to Heal

Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life before? Was it a toxic friend
who just didn’t jive with your personality? An absentee partner who just wasn’t
who you expected them to be? A competitive coworker who saw every project
as an opportunity to ‘get ahead’?
While each of these scenarios might present varying inconveniences and
challenges, one thing remains true – it probably didn’t eat you up inside to say
goodbye and walk away.
Sure, it’s only normal that you might have felt the remnants of the relationship
as your heart and mind worked to snip away the remaining ties that held you to
this person. But once those few days or weeks had passed, you probably found
yourself fully-functional once more. You might not have even had to think about
that person unless someone else brought them up.
You healed, you moved on, and you got better. It happened before, so why is it
so hard now?
There are unique aspects to a narcissistic relationship that makes it particularly
difficult to cope with. So, after you walk away, you might find yourself feeling
the same potent pain you did when they were still a part of your life.
So, what are these factors that make it so much harder?

The Narcissist’s Grip

Perhaps a narcissist’s most intricate and effective tool to keep their victims in
line is their grip. This metaphorical grasp is slowly built over time, constructed
with conditional love and affection that’s later used as a tool to get you to act the
way that they want you to.
As time wears on, the victim feels endeared to the narcissist, and the abuser will
exploit this connection to their benefit. The victim becomes a scapegoat for all
the different problems that might arise in the narcissist’s life, even if the victim
had no involvement in the development of the issue.
The narcissist now insists that you’re problem, responsible for the different
things that go wrong in your lives together. They convince you that you need
them because you’re not perfect, and they know what’s best to keep you from
causing any more harm to yourself or to others. They make you believe that you
rely on them, making you feel like you owe them an explanation or an apology
for every little thing that goes wrong.
You, on the other hand, are convinced. The kindness, affection, and ‘love’ that
they showed you when your relationship was just beginning has convinced you
that they have the best intentions. They’ve convinced you that they’re ‘superior’
to everyone—including you—which makes them the only viable counsel and the
only one who can provide you verified truth and advice.
Now, without you noticing, you’ve become entangled in their web. You feel
reliant on them and the first question on your mind every single time you need to
make a decision is “what would they think?” You’re constantly walking on
eggshells, careful not to do anything that would upset them, and striving to do
everything to please them.
Unfortunately, simply leaving isn’t enough to dismantle such a deep-seated
mechanism. That’s because as time wears on, this system will make you lose
your sense of volition. Your reliance on the abuser becomes reflexive, and it
becomes a challenge for you to make decisions on your own.
So now that you’ve left, you can’t help but wonder what to do next. You feel the
need to have someone tell you how to go about the process, and the only person
you can think of is your abuser. Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone else who will
be able to help you through this time in your life as much as yourself.

The Feeling of Guilt

There is no such thing as a civil disengagement from a narcissistic relationship.

So, it’s probable that at this moment, you’re not on speaking terms with your
abuser. In fact, you might never be able to speak to them again. This is a reality
that needs to be accepted.
Knowing that you’re not on good terms with your abuser might cause feelings of
guilt to kick in. They convinced you that anything amiss in your relationship was
your fault, so now that you’re indefinitely ignoring each other, you feel
responsible for the situation.
This feeling of guilt can make you want to come crawling back, say you’re
sorry, and reclaim your place in their intricate mechanism. But going back and
apologizing for something that isn’t your fault will hardly fix anything, because
you did nothing to apologize for in the first place.
Guilt plays such a big role in a failed recovery because it’s often the reason why
many victims end up rekindling ties with an abuser. Even allowing the guilt to
just push you to reach out can be particularly dangerous because it gives the
abuser the opportunity to shape the way you think and feel, making it more
likely for you to engage once more.

The Lack of Support

It would be a lot easier to cope with narcissistic abuse if your family and friends
could provide you support and insight. But because narcissists are what you
might call great pretenders, they can effectively hide their true selves from
anyone and everyone.
They spend their entire lifetime building an image of perfection and intelligence,
establishing a character worthy of praise and admiration, even if their true life is
far from perfect. This well-executed charade makes it impossible to have other
people see the reality.
Approaching friends and family who might know of your abuser will often lead
to a dead end because they’re not likely to believe what you have to say. After
all, they’ve come to know the narcissist as the ideal individual, perhaps even a
perfect person. So, they’ll conclude that the things you’re going through are
probably just the fruits of misunderstanding.
For the most part, healing from a narcissist’s abuse will have to be done on your
own. Of course, there will always be support groups and online resources that
you can leverage to find people with similar stories. But if you were expecting to
gain the support of the people around you—especially if these people are also
acquainted with the narcissist—then it might be impossible to receive their
sympathy.

The Influence of Mainstream Media

Love conquers all, they say. Throughout the years, the media has taught us
through books, movies, and music, that true love can set any mistake straight.
We need to be selfless, to die to ourselves, to roll with the punches, we need to
sacrifice our comfort and our convenience to show others that we love them.
So, whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a romantic partner, the urge to
keep fighting might be immensely strong because that’s what we’re taught to do.
That’s how we get our happy ending which is so often romanticized in majority
of the films and songs we enjoy today. Unfortunately, there is a kind of fierce
love and affection that the mainstream media fails to highlight, and that’s self-
love.
Often, when we tell others that we did something out of our desire to love
ourselves, we’re branded self-centered, inconsiderate, and selfish. We’re not
trying hard enough, and we’re too lazy to give people love. We don’t see other
people’s worth, and we don’t put value on the long relationships we’ve
established.
But before you allow those concepts any room in your mind, remember this –
you are the most important person you have. So, don’t let anyone invalidate your
effort to care for yourself, especially if your abuser has done nothing to show
that they’re genuinely concerned for you.
True enough, many of us are conditioned into acting like love-giving robots, able
to dispense love and affection even in the most challenging emotional situations.
But you can’t pour from an empty vessel, and you definitely don’t need to feel
responsible for a relationship that’s you’re solely trying to rescue.
Relationships are two-way streets, and they will never work out if there’s only
one person who’s clocking in any time. Putting yourself before others isn’t a
selfish tactic, it’s a mature way of dealing with things.
You can only truly care for someone if you’re confident in your capacity to love
which starts from within. In the same light, this kind of potent security in your
being will attract the same kind of person, allowing a healthy, thriving
relationship to grow without the pretenses and ulterior motives.

The Unacknowledged Truth

Maybe you already spotted signs a while back. Maybe you already started to
notice the strange behavior. Maybe you chose to keep your mouth shut because
you didn’t want to start a fight. Maybe you turned a blind eye because that’s not
how you’ve come to know them. Whatever the case, you saw the signs, and you
chose to ignore them.
Many of those who fall into the narcissist’s trap can sense the problematic
personality way before it even rears its ugly head. But they choose to sit silent
and avoid confrontation because they want to believe in the best. They want to
believe that this is a good person, and that these previews of strange behavior are
nothing more than isolated instances.
Going against your gut and then finding out later that you were right about the
way you felt can make it exceptionally difficult to move on. You’ll find that the
feeling of betraying your own radar can make you constantly want to beat
yourself up and cry over the milk that you’ve spilled.
Although it can be frustrating, remember that everyone makes mistakes, and no
one is exempted. While the repercussions of ignoring your gut might seem
insurmountable especially because it trapped you in the narcissist’s grasp, you
need to understand that what you got out of the mistake was a learning
experience. Not everyone gets to go through and survive such intense abuse, so
you now have a unique chance to grow and mature, which many people don’t
get to have.
Don’t beat yourself up over things that you no longer have control over. Instead,
look forward to the future and learn to give your gut feeling due credit whenever
it tips you off the next time around. You’d be surprised how well your intuition
can keep you safe from a variety of threats around you, if you could only give it
the attention it deserves.
The Cornerstones of Healing

True enough, going through the process of healing can be a challenge, especially
because of the unique difficulties that narcissistic abuse can pose. But there are
ways that you can make it less of a hurdle, and this is by familiarizing yourself
with the cornerstones of healing.
Intended to provide you the necessary knowledge and insight to properly decode
your situation, these cornerstones should help you make sense of where you
stand and uncover the truth behind the narcissist’s actions and intentions.

Understanding the Truth about Narcissists

When you first heard, read, or learned the word ‘narcissist’, it might have been a
light bulb moment. Wow—a word to define all those many years of abuse you
suffered through. What a revelation.
Many of those abused by this type of person find it refreshing to be able to put a
label on their abuser because it verifies their plight. These people exist and they
are known to do exactly what was done to you. So even with everyone around
you refusing to believe your story, you now feel somewhat vindicated.
Fortunately for you, this feeling isn’t a onetime thing. Throughout your healing,
you’ll learn a world’s worth of information that will feel like eureka moments,
and they’ll slowly show you the truth about your situation and the reality of the
person you thought you knew.
During your recovery, it’s highly encouraged that you continue to learn more
about the narcissist archetype. Reading reliable resources and discovering the
psychology behind their thinking will make it easier to put all the different
experiences you had with them into context.
The more you learn, the easier it becomes for you to free yourself from the idea
that you were wrong to leave. As you make more sense of their behavior, you’ll
soon discover that you never did anything wrong in the first place, and all the
hurt, difficulties, and confusion you’ve dealt with for years can actually be
traced back to their toxic personality.
Ruminating the Past

Maybe at the start, thinking back on memories you’ve had with your abuser
might feel like touching hot iron. The thoughts can eat away at you, making you
feel a strange combination of longing and guilt. So naturally, you might want to
avoid thinking about the past if you’re still early on in your recovery process.
But as you continue to uncover the realities of narcissistic behavior, you can then
start putting each memory into context. As you ruminate the past, you’ll see the
truth behind every situation you’ve experienced, allowing you to understand
how their behavior was at play in your life.
Some discover that their mother’s incessant need to buy the most expensive toys
and clothes wasn’t an expression of love, but a way to showcase her financial
freedom to less capable parents in her circle. Some learn that their partner’s
tendency to make them refuse career opportunities wasn’t actually in the interest
of their relationship but was a tactic to maintain control and dominance.
A narcissist will always convince you that their choices are for the best, but as
you look back with the new knowledge you’ve found, you’ll learn that almost
everything—the good and the bad—were all part of their intricate strategy to
keep you in line and maintain the ball in their court.

Maintaining Your Distance

There is no tool more powerful than distance. Throughout your recovery

process, you’ll be confronted with the urge to turn back, make amends, and leave
this rift behind you. But don’t. No matter what you might think, no matter who
might tell you to, no matter how hard it nags at your heart. You deserve your
love more than anyone, especially more than someone who doesn’t have your
best interest in mind.
Maintaining your distance and refusing to speak with your abuser will give you
enough white space to paint a picture of reality. Without that person there to
reinforce the mechanisms in your head, you can wear them away and slowly but
surely bring the entire machination to a stop, ultimately freeing yourself from
their grip and attaining a new perspective on who you are and what you deserve.
In most cases, there will be no other people in your circle who will understand
what it means to be abused by a narcissist. So, you’ll often hear the same line
over and over again: “people make mistakes, it’s only right that you forgive
them and give them a second chance.”
While it is true that people make mistakes and most of them deserve second
chances, narcissists are an exception to the rule. They will not change, they don’t
have insight, and they will never accept defeat. This means that for a relationship
to be repaired, you need to be the one to try to fix it which only strengthens the
narcissist’s idea of unwavering correctness.
At the end of the day, you need to accept that reconciling is not an option. You
might have to live the rest of your life without this person in the picture. And
while that might be a bitter pill to swallow at any point in your healing, you need
to know that it’s for the best.
Loving yourself when you’ve been taught to put another person ahead every
single time can be tough, but every journey starts with a single step. Understand
that throughout this journey, you should be your focus. Keep your eyes and mind
on the objective and don’t forget why you’re doing this in the first place. Your
best life awaits.
Chapter 2 - The Narcissist Archetype
“... you don't have to wait for someone to treat you bad repeatedly. All it takes is
once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like
that, then it sets the pattern for the future.”
- Jane Green, Bookends
No two people are the same. That’s something we’re taught as far back as
elementary school. Back then, it was taken as nothing more than a quaint piece
of truth, we are all different, and so we need to extend ourselves to understand
one another so that the world becomes a happy place for everyone.
But as we grow older, we learn that that basic ‘truth’ might not actually be an
accurate representation of reality. In fact, lots of people are the same in their
behaviors, and this couldn’t be any truer in the case of narcissists.
Considered ‘psychopathic’, narcissists are born of narcissists, making them act
similarly across cultures, races, genders, and nationalities. They all think the
same, and they all use the same tactics to abuse and malign those around them.
That’s why it’s become easier for experts to pick out their qualities and spot
them in a crowd, because they’re predictable.
At this point in your recovery, you might find yourself asking questions about
your abuser’s personality. Understanding their motives and the reasons for
certain tendencies they might have manifested can help you establish an accurate
idea of who they really were. In the same way, knowing all the qualities of a
narcissist can limit the chances of being abused again in the future.
The Subtle Signs of Narcissism

Narcissists operate covertly – that’s why they’re so hard to pinpoint. When you
first met your abuser, you might have thought that they were a model citizen
with their life perfectly put together. This initial image of perfection perhaps
made you want to keep them near, marking the start of your abusive relationship.
Being subtle about their true tendencies helps draw in the victims. The more
admirable they are, the more people will want to be in their good graces giving
them enough narcissistic supply to feed their hungry egos. So it’s possible that
some of the signs of narcissism might completely fly over your head.
Here are some of the most common subtle signs of a narcissistic personality:

Not a Single Bad Shot

In our modern day and age, finding someone who isn’t present on social media
is like finding a unicorn. With the kind of convenience and access that social
media platforms provide, it’s become almost impractical for people to not use at
least 2 of them.

Of course, your average everyday narcissist would take this as an opportunity to

fire up their image and reinforce the charade they’ve so carefully crafted. In fact,
studies have found that the commonality of narcissistic behaviors have risen
since the dawn of social media, claiming that there might be a correlation
between the two.
Essentially, social media works as a market where a narcissist can peddle him or
herself to their sphere. Likes are the currency, and the more they get, the more
satisfied they feel. That’s why they strive to create the perfect reflection of
themselves on social media, often even lying about certain images of themselves
to alter the context of the pictures and come up with a more pleasing post.
Scan through a narcissist’s social media profile, and you’re likely to notice 3
things. First, they won’t have any bad pictures of themselves. Any and every
image that includes them will have them looking particularly polished, garnering
a hefty amount of likes and comments.
Second, you might notice that they often have perfect days every day. Every post
is about a wonderful lunch with family, an intimate dinner with their significant
other, a bird chirping on their windowsill in the morning, whatever might make
their life look like it was ripped out of a Hallmark movie.
Third, they probably like to ‘humble brag’ about certain things in their life. For
instance, one narcissistic mother posted a photo of a breakfast spread she had
prepared with the caption “Labored over a hot stove to prepare this hearty meal
for my son—the chief resident of the spinal surgery division at his hospital—
who is coming over today!”
Obviously, the post was supposed to be about the breakfast she had made, but
her caption shows you that she was merely taking the opportunity to talk about
something else she found brag-worthy.
Some will post images of certain things while slyly inserting other commodities
to showcase their assets. In one case, a woman posted a photo of her freshly
manicured nails by placing her hand against the steering wheel of her Audi’s
steering wheel.
In any case, a social media profile that seems too good to be true might be the
facade for one narcissistic individual. Maintaining your distance from them and
avoiding feeding into the hype by withholding likes and comments will make
you less vulnerable to their trap.

Aversion to Correction
Narcissists have an incessant need to be correct and will fight tooth and nail to
make sure they have the last say in any situation, even when they’re talking to an
expert. At the start, it might not be as pronounced, but you will notice hints of
their aversion to correction in small however consistent instances.
Consider this scenario where two friends are debating where to head for
breakfast.
“Let’s just go to that burger place around the corner of East Avenue.”
“They open at 10AM, I’m always there for brunch.”
“No, I’m pretty sure they open at 8AM. They have a breakfast menu.”
“They actually don’t. It’s more of an all-day breakfast menu. I visit them a lot,
they open at 10AM.”
“Let’s just go and I’ll show you that they’re open.”
The friends walk down to the restaurant and find it closed. The sign on the door
says that operating hours start at 10AM. Not wanting to be labeled wrong, the
narcissist says “Well, I walked by here yesterday and they were open at around
8AM. They must have different operating hours throughout the week.”
The sign on the door said that the 10AM schedule was observed daily, however
the friend had no way of verifying whether the store was open at 8AM the
previous day since he wasn’t in the area. Even then, he could infer that the store
operates on the same hours every day, and that the narcissist was simply making
things up to avoid being wrong.
In many cases, a narcissist might seem wrong on all accounts, but they will
argue ferociously just to be able to get the final word. They won’t back down
and will definitely never admit defeat, even if defeat simply means being wrong
about a restaurant’s operating hours.

A Loud Voice That Demands to Be Heard

Have you ever tried having a casual conversation with a narcissist? Rarely do
they take the form of a ‘conversation’. Talking with a narcissist might seem
more like simply listening to one since they might not give you the space to say
your piece.
With an ingrained sense of correctness and superiority, narcissists believe that
the only opinions and ideas that matter are their own. Any contributions from
anyone else are inferior and faulty, even if they’re logically sound. Of course,
that’s not something a narcissist will ever come to realize given the fact that they
won’t even give other contributors the light of day.
Something you’ll notice frequently with a narcissist is that they have the
tendency to speak over others. Even during casual conversation, they take the
opportunity to dominate, giving others very little chance to interject. In this way,
the conversation can be steered in a direction that serves their own benefit.
That’s why on many occasions, you’ll find that a conversation with a narcissist
becomes nothing more than a speech about him or herself.

The Need to Please and Flatter

There’s something charming about a narcissist, that’s how they reel in their
victims. Knowing full well that they need to feed off the admiration and praise
that others provide them, narcissists have a way of drawing in unsuspecting
victims to turn into their narcissistic supply.
As your relationship develops, they feed your own narcissistic tendencies, which
are present in all of us, however not full blown. What happens is that we see this
perfect person and we end up wanting to be near them so that others associate us
with this ideal individual.
It’s like our adolescent longing to become best friends with the most popular kid
in school. The rationalization is that if we’re associated with this perfect person,
then some of their ideal traits might rub off on us.
Now, the narcissist knows what you’re trying to do, and they will feed your
desire to become like them. So, they treat you like an extension, telling you
you’re doing a great job, making you feel important, and giving you validation
that’s rarely given to others. This makes you feel worthy and proud, making you
hunger for that kind of attention.
So, what you do is you find ways to please them, you do things simply to make
the narcissist happy, and you strive to maintain your status as their right-hand
guy or gal. Soon enough, you’ll find that most of your actions and choices are
patterned around their preferences or desires.
If you’re starting to notice that you’re becoming too invested in receiving
validation from someone else, check yourself. If anything, the only validation
worth striving for is your own. While it might feel nice to receive it from others,
learning to accept yourself and being happy with the way you are is far more
important than any acceptance you might receive from external sources.

Damned Either Way

Narcissists have this way of thinking that they deserve the best that everyone has
to give, even if they’re only handing out spare change. They demand to be
served and expect everyone around them to be prepared to hand over their
resources and time at their beck and call.
If you find yourself being the target of a narcissist’s demands, you might
discover that it’s a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they might be asking
you for something that’s inconvenient or simply too hefty to give. On the other
hand, not giving what they’re asking for will put you at the receiving end of
rejection, anger, and severance.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
You’ll notice that with a narcissist, there is no such thing as winning. What you
can leverage though is the idea of a lesser evil. Feeding into their desires will
keep you trapped in their intricate machination. Choosing to walk away, on the
other hand, will free you from the web albeit with a few consequences as the
narcissist deems fit.
Narcissistic Behavior Patterns

A ‘psychopath’ is defined as a person suffering from mental disorder, who may

manifest abnormal or violent social behavior. They are considered unstable and
aggressive, allowing them to cause significant emotional, mental, and in some
extreme cases, even physical abuse on those around them.
While it might come as a surprise to you, it’s important that you know that your
narcissistic abuser is a psychopath. These people have very deep-seated mental
issues with roots that reach as far back as their early childhood. That’s why it’s
impossible to help a narcissist to recovery.
In-depth studies of psychopathic and narcissistic behavior have revealed
behavioral patterns that they typically follow. These tendencies are present in
almost all narcissists, and many of them manifest the same personalities
although to varying degrees.
Keep in mind that although we all have narcissistic tendencies, not everyone
showcases them to the point of being labeled a psychopath. Only when these
behaviors cause abnormalities in social functioning is the person then considered
a full blown, malignant narcissist.

Gaslighting

Gabby was talking with her brother on the phone, catching up on all the little
things that had been going on in each of their lives. She just celebrated her
daughter’s 3rd birthday and was telling her brother about how her parenting style
has evolved since her daughter’s birth.
She told him that spanking wasn’t a part of her and her husband’s repertoire of
discipline. They found that it was ineffective and harmful, simply causing their
child to obey out of fear instead of out of respect.
Her brother praised her for the adaptation as he ruminated about the many times
their mother had whipped them into shape as small children. Gabby laughed and
said, “Well, aren’t we glad that’s over?”
The next day, Gabby visited her mother bringing along her little daughter to give
them time to bond. “She’s so behaved now! Like she’s all grown up!” Gabby’s
mother exclaimed as she watched her granddaughter color quietly on the desk.
“I’ve been trying out a new parenting style with her. We don’t spank her
anymore; it just doesn’t work. Instead, we sit her down and try to explain things
to her. It’s amazing how well she understands.”
“Exactly, that’s how I disciplined you.” her mother said calmly as she assisted
her granddaughter with her coloring.
Gabby smiled, laughed, and said “Really, mom? If I had a nickel for every time
you hit me, I would be a millionaire!” Her mom raised a brow, looked her in the
eye, and shook her head.
“You’re remembering wrong, I never spanked you.”
Gaslighting is a term that originates from a movie of the same title which was
released in 1944. This term refers to a tactic used by certain individuals—
especially narcissists—in an attempt to sow seeds of doubt into a specific
individual.
The method of gaslighting changes depending on the situation, but the objective
is always the same; to reinvent the past so that their previous mistakes or errors
are not brought to light.
In the situation above, Gabby clearly remembered that her mother used to hit her
and her siblings. She had verified this information with her brother when they
talked on the phone, so she knew that it wasn’t something she had made up.
When her mother saw how well-behaved her granddaughter was, she knew that
Gabby’s parenting style worked, and that made it apparent that spanking wasn’t
an ideal method for discipline.
Knowing this now, Gabby’s mother wanted to distance herself from that
practice, since it was now labeled unnecessary, ineffective, and harmful. So, she
claimed to have never done it, despite Gabby and her brother clearly
remembering that it was how they were dealt with as children.
In this instance, gaslighting might seem harmless, and Gabby and her siblings
can simply brush it off by saying Mom’s getting old. But in more extreme cases
of narcissistic abuse, gaslighting can cause serious doubt and even lead to a
victim questioning her sanity.
This is one of the tactics that narcissists use to protect their image, not only as it
is today, but as it was in the past. They need to be correct in every phase of their
life, so they strive hard to avoid being branded for their mistakes even if they
happened many years back. Gaslighting lets them sweep past errors under the
rug at the expense of someone else’s sanity, which is to them, a small price to
pay.

Smear Campaign

Wondering why people might start to distance themselves from you after you cut
ties with a narcissist? You can probably thank their smear campaign tactics for
the sudden loss of friends. Although smear campaigns are more popular in the
realm of politics, narcissists have been known to use similar strategies.

Once you break it off with a narcissist, one thing would have become apparent to
them – you’re aware of their true nature. This means if you decide to expose the
narcissist for what they truly are—which might not even be on your agenda—
then they may have to watch as their carefully constructed persona starts burning
to the ground. Now this isn’t something they’re willing to risk.
So, what do they do? They use smear campaigns to remain one step ahead.
Using what information they have about you and your relationship, they’ll make
the move to talk to mutual friends and connections to clarify why you’re no
longer on speaking terms. This may involve tweaking certain events and
information in order to make you look like a horrible person.
It’s worth mentioning that a narcissist won’t simply settle for saying a few nasty
things about you. They want to completely dismantle your credibility and
reputation. This way, they can be sure that you’d have a hard time trying to
convince people of your side not only because you’d seem unreliable, but also
because your friends and contacts would likely choose to avoid you all together.
A narcissist’s smear campaign can leave you with no one else but yourself.
Some rumors and gossip can be so horrible that it may even jeopardize your job
and your intimate relationships. Remember, they probably never really cared
about you in the first place, so don’t be surprised if they suddenly turn into
someone completely unrecognizable and start spewing absolute lies about who
you are and what you’ve done.

Abuse by Proxy

If there’s one thing a narcissist will have an endless supply of, it’s people. Their
charm and seeming perfection just makes others gravitate towards them, the
same way you probably clung to your abuser when you first met them.
Unfortunately, anyone who tries to cross a narcissist will find him or herself
dealing with the onslaught of the rest of the posse.
This is what you might call abuse by proxy. The process starts when you
displease a narcissist. Their need to shame and discourage you will kick in, and
they’ll make sure you feel how unhappy they are with what you’ve done. But
they’ll often go the extra mile and make sure to hit you where it hurts. That’s
where their people step in.
A narcissist will talk negatively about you to other people in your circle. They’ll
convince these individuals that you’re gravely at fault, and that you need to be
taught a lesson. What’s interesting is that they often won’t give such obvious
instructions. The tactic more closely resembles brainwashing, making other
people believe certain lies and encouraging them to act on these ideas without
actually giving them overt instructions.
Take this scenario for example:
Hannah is the middle child in her family. All her brothers and sisters are A+
students, bringing home impressively impeccable report cards and receiving lots
of praise from their instructors. Hannah, on the other hand, is an average student.
While she doesn’t excel quite as well as the rest of her siblings, she does come
home with decent grades.
One day, she comes home with a failed exam and her father just loses it. He
reprimands her, calls her lazy, and says he’s worried about her future. He claims
that her performance won’t bring her anywhere in life, and he’s upset to admit
that she might not be able to achieve as much as her siblings.
Night falls and Hannah is dismissed from the dinner table after being
reprimanded in front of her entire family. She retreats to her room where she
cries and sulks for the rest of the night. Meanwhile, her siblings remain at the
table, and their father continues his spiel.
He praises each one for their hard work. All their grades give justice to the long
hours he toils at work to be able to afford their education. The children feel
endeared to their father, and they extend their gratitude to him for all the effort
he puts in to making sure they can afford premium education.
During the talk, he calls Hannah an ingrate, saying she doesn’t deserve the same
opportunities as her siblings because she doesn’t value what he provides. He
tells them not to associate with people like Hannah because they might become a
bad influence, causing them to lose sight of what’s important.
Before ending the talk, he says that he has no choice but to continue working
hard and hoping for the best, even if some of them don’t appreciate all that he
does. They conclude the conversation and all the children head back to their
rooms.
The next day, Hannah wakes up, walks into the kitchen for breakfast, and finds
that all the food had been finished. “You woke up too late, so there was nothing
left.” her one sibling tells her unapologetically. Throughout the day, she feels the
same harsh, negative energy coming from the rest of her siblings who seem to be
avoiding her.
This made Hannah feel alone and ashamed of what she had done. This prompted
her to approach her father and serve an apology for being ungrateful for his hard
work. He reluctantly accepts the apology but remains palpably cold towards his
daughter in the following days, a behavior mimicked by the rest of his children.
Can you spot what’s wrong with this scenario?
First, we need to recognize the alleged aggravation. What did Hannah do to
receive such treatment from her father, and consequently, the rest of her family?
A failed mark. For most of us, a single failing grade is hardly a reasonable cause
for upset. In fact, many would let it slide with nothing more than a prompt to do
better next time.
However, since Hannah’s father is a narcissist, he tends to see failure as
completely unacceptable. His children are an extension of himself, so any sort of
shortcoming is unforgivable because it reflects negatively on himself.
He made this apparent by reprimanding Hannah in front of the entire family.
This doesn’t only highlight his anger, but also imparts shame because everyone
else is there to hear and see her at the receiving end of the reprimand.
Next, Hannah’s father consults his other children. He starts of by giving them
praise and affection, telling them that he’s proud of all the work they put into
being top students. Of course, we can infer that the children only perform
because of their father’s pressure and not because of an internalized desire to do
good.
By talking to the rest of his kids, he can now get them to feel animosity toward
their sibling who—in truth—did nothing malicious to anyone in the family. In
fact, the siblings have no reason to be upset with her because her grades are
none of their concern. However, because of the father’s tactic to divide and
conquer, they feel one with him and thus pledge their allegiance by mimicking
the way that he feels.
So, what happens? They, too, emotionally abuse Hannah by acting cold and
disapproving of her. They avoid her and distance themselves from her, treating
her like a pariah in her own home. The result? Hannah feels the brunt of her
‘mistake’ and is forced to render an apology, even without good reason to.
Abuse by proxy can be particularly difficult to deal with because it makes the
victim feel completely alone in the situation. They start to question themselves
and even begin to believe that the abuser had a valid reason for treating them the
way they did. On top of that, the added pressure of an ‘angry mob’ further
complicates the internal battle. If everyone is upset with me, then that must mean
I really did something wrong.
What you need to remember however is that just because a majority believes
something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Being at the receiving end of abuse by proxy
can have you questioning your integrity and validity but keeping yourself strong
and choosing to believe the truth will help you become less affected by their
disapproval and joint abuse.

Manipulation
There is a plethora of manipulation techniques used by narcissists that it might
be lengthy to discuss them all. But to give you a better understanding of their
true nature, it’s ideal that we touch on the most common tactics they use.
The first, and possibly most abused, is shaming. Done either in private or in
public, the purpose of shaming is two-fold. The first is to heighten their own
worth, grandeur, and intelligence, and the second is to make you feel inferior to
them.

Shaming you in either public or private venues will encourage you to submit
yourself to the abuser. They know better than I do, so it would be in my best
interest to take cues from them and, one day, I can be deserving of their praise.
With this mentality in operation, all your decisions and choices will be geared
towards the happiness and approval of your abuser, which is what they wanted in
the first place.
Playing the role of victim is another way that a narcissist might manipulate their
supply. This is typically put into motion when the abused is in a position where
he might feel inconvenienced by the narcissist’s demands. Take this scenario for
example:
Claire is running low on funds after being laid off from work since her company
had to sacrifice manpower after making a few budget cuts. It’s her 3rd month of
joblessness, and she’s starting to ask friends for financial support. She’s been
approaching Timothy for help for the past several weeks, and at first, he was
more than willing to lend what he could. But now, Claire’s monetary needs are
starting to make a palpable dent in his pocket.
For the nth time, Claire approached Timothy to ask for some cash but this time,
her friend wasn’t as willing. “I’m going to be behind on my bills if I use any of
the money I have on hand for anything else. I hope you understand, Claire.”
“I can’t believe you would do this to me. I’m literally jobless right now, and I
need this money to survive. But of course, being ‘behind’ on your bills is far
more pressing than my problems. I’m sorry for even bothering you.”
Timothy ends up giving her the money anyway and makes a firm resolve to pay
his bills with his next paycheck instead. But was Claire right to demand so much
of her friend?
In the first place, Tim is the steward of his own finances. He should get to
choose how he spends the money he works hard for. So, whether or not he
chooses to help Claire is really completely up to him and no one should hold his
choices against him.
Secondly, it’s worth mentioning that Claire has been jobless for over 3 months,
which means that she might have had more than enough time to find a new job
to meet her financial needs. The fact that she’s still relying on other people to
make ends meet for her signals that she might enjoy the setup of surviving
without having to work for it.
Despite all of that, she manages to muscle Timothy into putting her interests
before his own by making him feel bad for his decision. She plays the role of the
victim, highlights her own problems, and minimizes Timothy’s plight in order to
make it seem like he’s being unreasonable and greedy.
Conditional love is another well-used tool in the narcissistic arsenal. This
method provides the victim with just enough affection to feed their desire to be
on the narcissist’s good side, making them feel worthy and sufficient for the time
being. Narcissists will often pull out this tactic when the victim pleases them or
does anything to benefit them, working as positive reinforcement that makes the
victim want to continue to do good.
Unfortunately, love that qualifies as genuine love should have to be
unconditional. That is, it doesn’t choose when to love, but rather chooses to love
despite the person’s shortcomings. This is sadly not something that the narcissist
is capable of.
If the victim does anything that goes against their desires, preferences, or ideas,
the narcissist simply withholds love and affection, making the victim feel
unworthy and undeserving of the narcissist’s care. It’s only when an apology and
an acknowledgment of the wrongdoing will the narcissist ‘forgive’ the victim.
By choosing when to give love and when to withhold it, the narcissist effectively
keeps the victim in line. No one wants to get on a narcissist’s bad side,
especially because their approval is so highly valued.
Finally, it’s important to talk about how a narcissist might blame you for
everything. This tactic keeps their image clean and blemish-free while causing
their victim to develop a concept of accountability. Abusers don’t want to be
wrong in any situation, and so they exercise every opportunity to make sure that
they don’t get blamed for any bad publicity.
They find a scapegoat—often their current victim—and they turn any and every
situation around to make the person feel bad about him or herself. This in effect
makes the victim feel unworthy, causing them to cling even tighter to the abuser
in fear of being left.
In many cases, narcissists will also let other people know of the victim’s failures.
This is done overtly, with the scapegoat fully aware that other individuals in
their sphere are aware of their ‘mistakes’. This instills embarrassment, and
makes the victim submit completely to the abuser to show remorse and a
willingness to set themselves straight.
All of these manipulation strategies don’t only make the victim act a certain way
now, they also instill a long-term mechanism that keeps the relationship the way
it is for the foreseeable future. Breaking down the victim’s free-will and sense of
self-worth makes them reliant on the abuser, allowing the narcissist to control
the victim’s thoughts and actions.
What’s the purpose of control, you ask? Simple – narcissists thrive on
admiration and praise. Having you under their spell makes it possible for them to
have a narcissistic supply whenever they need it. A victim’s endless longing to
please and appease the narcissist gives the abuser a consistent resource for
admiration.
On top of that, they feel like their superiority entitles them to put others under
them. In their minds, they’re the best and that means they have the right to
belittle others and make them subordinates in whatever way possible. By taking
control of your life and decisions, they feel they’re doing you a favor since they
believe they know better than everyone else.
Spotting a Narcissist in the Real World

Having trouble figuring out who just might be a narcissist? They can be difficult
to spot because they’re so good at concealing their truth. At the start, they’re
likely to appear very likeable and well-rounded, making those around them
gravitate towards them. It’s only when you fall too deep into their trap that it
becomes apparent what they truly are.
There are a few markers you can use to help identify them in the real world.
Often, these tell-tale signals should manifest all together, allowing you to
identify the narcissist with more accuracy.

A Pleasing Personality

Narcissists have a knack for making themselves look exceptionally flawless to

the public. They’re friendly, smiley, and charming, making new acquaintances
feel comfortable in their familiar and amiable aura. They tend to make you feel
good about yourself even right off the bat which might cause you to think that
they genuinely like you, too.
They will draw attention towards themselves by talking about their most
esteemed accomplishments, which may endear you to them even more. The idea
that this person is friendly and successful makes them even more admirable.
Essentially, their entire persona makes you want to be their friend, be close to
them, and be associated with them in whatever little way possible.
This is because we as humans have a natural tendency to think that associating
with successful, smart, beautiful, or ‘ideal’ people will somehow uplift our own
image. That’s why many of us probably struggled to rub elbows with the coolest
kids in school.
A good way to pick out a narcissist would be to assess their persona and how
well you know them. Is there any bad news about who they are? Have you heard
any stories that talk about any possible negative things they’ve done or said? Or
are they completely polished and blemish-free? If you notice that a person seems
too good to be true, they probably are.
…Only When It’s Necessary

There are what you might call ‘levels’ of worth in a narcissist’s mind. People
who obviously have more money, success, or are considered more physically
appealing are acknowledged as ‘superior’ in a narcissist’s mind, so these people
obviously receive the best treatment narcissists have to offer. People who fall
within the same financial, success, and beauty bracket are considered equals and
are treated the same. Those who fall slightly below the narcissist’s self-appraisal
are still deserving of praise and good treatment, but they’re awarded on a
conditional basis. That is, these people need to do something in order to deserve
the narcissist’s approval and praise.
Finally, there are people of zero interest to the narcissist. These are average
everyday individuals who are seen as unnecessary and irrelevant, so narcissists
won’t bother being nice or spending effort to show their good side.
For instance, a narcissist might lash out disproportionately if the coffee shop
barista makes the mistake of adding cream to their order. The narcissist might
call the cashier at a grocery store ‘lazy’ or ‘dumb’ for taking too long checking
out the items in their cart. They might insult the customer support specialist on
the other end of the line if they aren’t able to provide a solution fast enough.
When it comes to pleasing people and seeking admiration, a narcissist will only
spend effort trying to appease people that they know will always be in their
circle of contacts. After all, why try to win over a cashier that you’re not likely
to meet again in the future? That’s why many menial workers often get the brunt
of a narcissist’s bad attitude even if this is their first encounter.

When No One’s Looking

Caught alone with a narcissist? Get ready to hear some juicy gossip about the
people in your mutual circle. If there’s one thing that narcissists love, it’s
breaking down other people’s image. The process of talking negatively about
other people makes a narcissist feel elevated, allowing them to polish their
image further, especially when they’re compared to the person being talked
about.
Aside from that, spewing negativity about other people strengthens their bond
with key individuals in their narcissistic supply. Take this scenario for example.
Chris met Sheryl at a mutual friend’s party and thought she was quite the
charmer. The woman was witty, funny, and intelligent, able to hold a decent
conversation without letting things get boring. Not to mention the fact that she
looked like quite the stunner. Chris thought she was a dream, so he went ahead
and asked for her number before they parted ways that night.
The following week, Chris asked Sheryl whether she’d like to grab a cup of
coffee, which she agreed to. They spent some time talking and got to know each
other quite well in such a short span of time. Their dates became a part of their
weekly routine.
Soon enough, they were comfortable enough with each other that Sheryl found it
easy to open up to Chris about more personal topics, and Chris felt the same
way. So, when Sheryl asked him about previous love interests, he didn’t hesitate
to share.
Sheryl learned that Chris had dated her college roommate Tara for a month
around 2 years prior. So, Sheryl took the opportunity to drop some information
on the girl under the guise of simply being open and truthful about the people
they knew. She told Chris that Tara was promiscuous, bringing men into their
shared space too often for comfort. She also claimed that Tara had a bad temper
that would push her to throw things around in her rage.
Chris said he was happy the relationship didn’t flourish, and he was grateful for
having met Sheryl. He even went as far as comparing her with Tara, saying that
Sheryl was far more attractive and appealing in more ways than one.
Unfortunately for Chris, much of the information that Sheryl shared about Tara
was based loosely on onetime events that didn’t accurately represent her
personality or attitude. On top of that, Sheryl found it necessary to talk
negatively about Tara because it would discourage Chris from continuing to see
her as someone attractive, an idea that threatened Sheryl’s sense of superiority.
Not wanting to have Chris even remotely think that Tara could have been a
viable partner, Sheryl went ahead and destroyed whatever remained of her
image.
You’ll find that a narcissist has a lot of confidence to talk about other people in
your circle and the things that could put them in a bad light. Sometimes, you
might even find that the conversations feel inappropriate and intrusive,
especially because narcissists will share such intimate information with someone
they’ve just recently met.
Successful Yet Exaggerated

Everyone loves a great success story. Rising up against the struggle, defeating
the odds, and establishing a comfortable life after having been dealt a bad card,
that’s the kind of stuff that inspires others to do their best. Often, narcissists are
the perfect example of rags to riches stories as most of them do tend to reach
quite far in their career thanks to their undying need to get ahead.

Even then, narcissists tend to hype their achievements. That is, they’ll inflate the
truth to make them seem more successful than they truly are. So, while they may
be relatively better off than most, their actual accomplishments may be far less
extravagant than they make it seem.
Take a closer look at what this potential narcissist says about their career, their
finances, and their previous accomplishments. Are they accurate representations
of the truth? Or does it seem like they’re inflating reality to make themselves
worthier of praise and admiration?
Seeing the truth about a narcissist can be tough because they seem so likeable at
the beginning. Feeding the universal need that most people have for acceptance
and validation, these great pretenders know exactly what to give you to make
you cling to them, and what to do to hit you where it hurts.
Taking action and severing the ties you used to have with the narcissist might
just be the best thing you could ever do for yourself in this lifetime, but there’s
more to healing than just leaving. As you’re probably learning, the recovery
process is far more complicated than it seems. But with dedication, discipline,
and a whole lot of self-love, you can learn to be your own person once more.
Chapter 3 - How They Come to Be
“We are unique individuals with unique experiences.”
- John Grey
Narcissists can’t change. That’s a reality that you need to accept. These people
have deeply embedded psychological trauma that stems from years of being
abused themselves. This makes it near impossible for them to correct their
behavior, even if they wanted to.
That said, you might be wondering, how do narcissists come to be? It’s a long,
complicated process, and it starts in early childhood.
Narcissistic Parents

In most people—if not all—is the desire for praise. To some extent, we might do
the things we do and strive for success and prestige because of the popularity
and attention it might get us. Of course, our wanting for admiration can be
justified as motivation if we don’t let it get ahead of ourselves. That’s why you
might say that narcissistic tendencies exist in all of us, despite not being full
blown.
In certain conditions, these tendencies become heightened and highlighted,
forcing the person into a state of mind that is essentially motivated by the desire
for approval and praise. As external forces work the individual into acting in
order to receive attention and validation, this becomes their primary state of
mind. Often, this occurs in early childhood.
Parents of narcissistic adults are often narcissistic themselves. They see their
children as an extension of themselves and want them to strive to be the best
among their peers to ‘deserve’ the love and acceptance of their parents.
Comparing this to the way that a parent should truly be, it’s easy to see where
the issue lies.
Children hunger for nurturance and affection from their parents because this
plays a large role in their psychological, emotional, and mental development.
However, because narcissistic parents think their children need to deserve love
and affection, children are forced into a system that puts value on them based on
how well they meet their parents’ expectations and demands.
For instance, one mother would completely ignore and degrade her daughter
because she was underperforming in school, despite coming home with fairly
reasonable grades. She would insult her daughter and compare her with her
siblings, making her feel like a stranger in her own family.
Not wanting to remain the ‘black sheep’, she worked hard to get higher marks in
school to which her mother responded with an outpouring of praise and
admiration. Suddenly, she was told that she was far better than everyone else and
that her mother always knew she had it in her.
Now, the child assimilates that the benefits of working hard in school and
coming home with good grades are doubled. The first is that it earns her the love
and affection of her mother which she desperately craves for. The second is that
it makes her better than all the other people at school.
The more the mother reinforces this idea, the stronger it becomes in her
daughter’s head. So, she continues working hard for her mother’s approval,
while at the same time earning her rightful place as the superior individual in her
class. As she grows older, she takes this behavior into her adulthood, applying it
to all aspects of her life.
Aside from this conditional love and affection given to her by her mother, the
girl is also taught how to act in front of others that they might encounter. The
child is dressed and groomed with utmost attention to detail, and her mother
makes sure she looks like she stands out in the best way possible.
When they’re out, the daughter takes cues from the mother on how to act. So,
she learns how to fake a smile, how to feign interest, and how to become the
ideal conversationalist so that the people who see her in public with her family
are made to think they’re a picture-perfect bunch.
This aligns with the mother’s need to be praised and admired for the ‘lovely’
family she’s raised and helps strengthen the idea of ‘us versus them.’ Essentially,
this concept is a narcissist’s favorite, urging her children to act a certain way in
order for them to enjoy the feeling of elitism. The more strongly they’re able to
establish the idea of being a superior breed, the more praise and admiration they
get from the people around them.
A Faulty Way to See the World

Years and years of being subjected to this kind of conditional love from some of
the most important people in the formative years of a child can result in a faulty
pair of spectacles with which to see the world around them. The treatment they
received in childhood will likely cause them to strive for greatness because that
was their parent’s standard to be included in this special class of elites that their
family claimed to be.
Now, as a full-grown individual, it’s possible that this person might feel
cemented into their family unit. So, they have the tendency to believe that this
gives them the leverage to belittle other people, because they’re a part of a
family that’s far superior based on their parents’ claims.
In this sense, you can assume that there’s nothing to feel sorry about when
dealing with a narcissist, aside from the unfortunate reality that you were
unlucky enough to fall into one’s web. They have no remorse for what they do,
and they can’t empathize with you because they think they’re just doing what’s
right.
They believe their status as a better person justifies their actions. After all,
you’re far less capable than they are – you probably owe them for all the help
they’ve given you to at least get on their level. Right?
Fueled by Outsiders

If you’re on the outside looking in, you just might say that a narcissist is exactly
everything you wanted to be – smart, attractive, successful, financially secure.
These people peddle the dream, and make it seem like an attainable reality for
anyone who manages to get on their good side.
If you feel guilty or ashamed for thinking your abuser was the ideal person when
you first met them, don’t sweat it. That’s exactly how most of the people who
encounter your abuser feel. Their likeable aura and their dazzling personality can
make them the center of attention, winning over the hearts of many of those they
encounter, even for the first time.
This, in effect, also gains them a ton of compliments wherever they go. So, at
work, at social gatherings, at family parties, and virtually any other venue, they
get what they want, which is admiration and praise. But unlike how it used to be
when they were children, this brand of approval isn’t coming from a superior
parent-figure, but rather a bunch of inferior peers.
While this does feed the narcissist’s ego, he also tends to see it as just right.
Since he regards himself as the better individual in any case, it’s only right that
the others around him recognize him for this and feed his desire for admiration.
Your Role in the Narcissist’s Life

So, now we understand how narcissists come to be the way they are, it’s time to
ask: what was their purpose in trying to control your life? What role did you
play? And why did they make it so difficult for you to leave?
The answer is simple: narcissistic supply. These individuals need a constant
source of people that they can exploit and use to fuel their inflated self-image.
They thrive on having people they can push around and control because they feel
that’s what they’re best at. Often, narcissists are people person because they
need the constant validation and praise.

To them, you were a source of that admiration. They would treat you in a way
that would get them the acknowledgement and approval that they desired. So, at
first, they probably put their best foot forward, served all their best stories, and
showed you the best side of their persona so you would feel hooked and
compelled to compliment them at every turn.
Once they knew your loyalty was secured and you were fully enthralled by their
spectacular persona, they would feed you slightly with compliments here and
there to make you feel like you were just as good as they were. You were treated
like an extension of them, which ultimately fed your own latent narcissistic
tendencies.
But every now and then, you’d slip up. And that would put you at the receiving
end of insults and disapproval. You were suddenly not good enough and your
abuser likely distanced him or herself from you. This was their way of
maintaining control on your life since they knew how important their approval
was to you.
This going back and forth gives your abuser the feeling of control, something
that they often crave for. They enjoy being able to call the shots because it
reinforces their feeling of being superior. Having you to push around and to guilt
because you didn’t follow their rules heightens their sense of dominance.
Essentially, keeping you around was all to fuel their own needs. Any love and
affection they might have shown you was instrumental in trying to secure your
trust and loyalty and may have been nothing more than that. Remember,
narcissists are called such because they can only think of themselves. Everything
and anything they do to is fueled by their greed and hunger for popularity,
praise, and power.
Remember that a narcissist’s behavior is none of your fault. You don’t deserve
their unfair treatment. Rather, it’s the result of their own toxic character. They’re
not your responsibility, and definitely not yours to fix. So be sure to avoid
apologizing for them and trying to rationalize their issues. Instead, think about
your own wellbeing.
You should be far more important to yourself than any other person. If anyone
tells you that you’re being selfish in trying to care for yourself, remember that
self-love is love, and is just as necessary as any other form of love you might
give anyone else. You deserve your care more than anyone.
Chapter 4 - The Aftermath
“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little
to find it.”
- Tori Amos
Leaving your narcissistic abuser was probably the hardest thing you’ve ever had
to do. Maybe it was the incessant nagging, maybe it was the endless shaming,
maybe it was the constant pressure placed on your back to give them something
that was already too hard to give. Whatever the reason might have been, you
need to know that you made the only right choice.
When it comes to healing from a narcissist, the only real option you have is to
walk away.
Despite hearing and reading all of this from countless sources though, you might
find yourself still teetering on the fence of guilt. You want to go back, and you
want to apologize. You want to appease the narcissist and tell them they were
right, and you were wrong.

While the urge might be strong, you need to know that the voice in your head
telling you to go back is the mechanism that the narcissist put in place
throughout the years that you were together. This is exactly how they managed
to put you through all that abuse, by making you question your own self-worth
and feel that you owe them every decision you make.
Understanding Your Feelings

Right now, it’s possible that you might be feeling a mixture of different feelings
that are making the process confusing. You might even be wondering whether
you’ve done the right thing. To help put things into perspective, here are some
possible explanations for the feelings and thoughts that are likely going through
your head.

Guilt

Remember when you were still in the abusive relationship, and the narcissist
blamed you for everything that went wrong? You were their scapegoat, and they
wanted to see you accept the blame for all the negative things that happened in
your life together because it made them feel better about themselves, knowing
that they were fault-free.

This constant blaming will instill an idea that convinces you that you’re wrong
about everything you do, unless you get the approval of your abuser. That’s why
now, when you’re not on speaking terms, you might beat yourself up over the
outcomes of your actions.
Keep in mind that a narcissist will automatically dislike anyone who crosses
them, even if these people have valid reasons to do so. Narcissists can’t see any
of the mistakes they make and will easily feel anger and even hatred towards
anyone who claims that they did anything wrong.
True enough, it took guts to be able to stand up for yourself and say that enough
is enough, so you deserve to feel proud of yourself for that. Don’t let the internal
mechanism make you turn back and reconsider your actions. Just keep moving
forward and keep your head above your heart.

Isolation

Have you tried talking to any friends or family about the recent changes in your
relationship with your abuser? If they’re people that are also in the narcissist’s
social circle, then you might find them raising their brow against your actions.
Why would you do that? They might ask.
Before you exhaust yourself trying to explain why you found it necessary to do
what you did, remember that narcissists look flawless to most of the people that
only know them on the surface. Consider this scenario.
Andy had just recently walked out of a relationship with a friend that she
considered one of her best friends since her college days. Carol had become too
toxic to be around, sharing nothing but negativity about other people,
discrediting others’ achievements, and trying to take control of Andy’s decisions
in her career.
After suffering through the shame and the constant nagging, Andy finally
decided that it was time to find new friends, those that could support her instead
of bringing her down. So, she told Carol that she was taking a break from their
usual routine and that she would be busier in the following months to adjust to
her new job.
Unfortunately, Carol managed to pick up on what Andy was trying to do, so she
went ahead and severed their ties completely. On top of that, she also got a hold
of all their mutual friends to tell them what had happened. This way, everyone
would be predisposed to blame Andy for the broken friendship.
On the other hand, Andy had gone home to spend the weekend with her parents.
They were familiar with Carol and they knew her to be one of Andy’s best
friends. So, it came as a surprise to her parents when they learned that she and
Carol were no longer on speaking terms.
Although Andy tried to explain the truth, how Carol truly was behind the smiles
and the gentle facade, her parents could hardly believe what she was saying.
They maintained their ideas of Carol and insisted that perhaps Andy had just
misunderstood her friend’s intentions.
Unfortunately for Andy, the situation would be the same from every angle, with
all the friends she shared with Carol taking a similar stance especially because
Carol had already given them the story from her end. So, in any case, if Andy
were to look for someone to help her heal from the separation with her friend,
she would either be met with disbelief or blame.
In many ways, healing from narcissistic abuse can feel like a long and lonely
road. It’s possible that a lot of the people who you thought would be there for
you in these trying times won’t be there at all, taking the side of the narcissist
and telling you that you probably were at fault.
Don’t worry, these allegations are rarely true. In the same way that you were
conditioned to think a certain way, the narcissist might have also managed to
shape the way that your friends and family think. In a sense, you could say that
the narcissist managed to protect their image from every point of view so that no
one sees the truth even if there’s someone (like you) who manages to realize the
reality.
Fortunately, there are lots of forums and online groups that you can join to help
you get the support you need. Seeking the service and guidance of a counselor or
therapist can also be particularly beneficial in your healing process.

Disbelief

How could they have done something like that to me? Back when you were still
in the narcissist’s grasp, you might have thought that everything they did was
nothing short of the best. They had your best interest at heart, and everything
they told you to do was recommended out of their intense desire to see you
succeed.
However, as the smoke clears away, you might start to see what they were really
trying to do. The good intentions start to look more like personal agendas, and
the recommendations intended to improve your life are now obviously self-
serving.
Often, the feeling of disbelief hits the children of a narcissist the hardest. We’re
conditioned to believe that our parents want nothing but the best for us, so it
comes as a surprise to find out that they were actually making demands to suit
their own desires instead of making recommendations to benefit our future.
Narcissistic parents can be odd in their behavior, because the narcissistic
tendencies tend to override the calling to be nurturing and loving. So, they end
up controlling their children, feeding them conditional love, and forcing them to
tow a tight line in order to raise people that they can call extensions of
themselves.
As you heal, you need to understand that anything the narcissist did throughout
your relationship was likely to benefit themselves. These things may come as a
surprise as you realize them and continue to discover the truth but learning to
accept the tragic reality of the narcissistic personality will make it easier to cope
with the truth of their actions.

Longing
For a while, it’s likely that the only thing that fueled you was your desire to
please and praise your abuser. You found validity and worth in the small
amounts of ‘love’ that they would toss you, like a dog waiting for a bone.
Despite the toxicity of the relationship, those moments when you would receive
even just some semblance of affection was more than enough to keep you going.
That’s how the abuser manages to get you to stay close, providing you
conditional love and validation in small doses was an effective way to keep you
striving to keep them happy. Unfortunately, now that the abuser is gone and
you’re left in this isolated state, there won’t be anyone to provide you with the
love you’re looking for.
This is often the most difficult feeling to deal with, the longing for something to
fill in the space that your abuser left behind. Don’t worry, it’s normal to look for
a replacement even if the person who you had to cut out was a narcissist. You’re
only human, and a relationship lost is still a relationship lost.
But at this point, you need to keep your head over your heart. You need to
realize that the love that the abuser was providing you wasn’t love at all, and that
you’re simply operating on the mechanism they put in place to make you yearn
for that specific type of affection.
On top of that, it’s important to recognize that now more than ever, you are
prone to clinging to another narcissist. Meeting a new ‘perfect person’ at a time
when you’re vulnerable and emotional can make it even easier to fall into the
trap. Be cautious of who you meet and always remember to keep your eyes
peeled for the subtle signs of narcissism.
Instead of looking for someone to give you love, think about the advantages of
loving yourself. Being the first person to appreciate all the wonderful things
about yourself will allow you to see that you don’t need anyone to love you. You
can be the one to satisfy that need.
Dealing with Your Abuser

Now that you’ve successfully severed your ties with the narcissist, you might be
wondering: is it alright to have some sort of relationship with this person? In
some cases, it might be impossible to completely shut your doors to an abuser no
matter how much you would like to. Immediate family members, coworkers, and
other individuals you may have to continue to see will still have some sort of
presence in your life.
So, can you be civil with them?
The answer is yes and no. First, no one expects you to try to ‘clean things up’
with a narcissist. But if you feel that a relationship of civility would work best
for the context of your relationship, then it might work out. Secondly, on the
topic of being civil, it’s possible for you to be civil with a narcissist. But whether
that’s something they’re capable of adapting or understanding is questionable.
With a narcissist, resuming a relationship after a rift entails an apology and
repentance from the offending party, and of course, a narcissist will never take
the blame for anything. So, without an apology, it’s possible that a narcissist
might refuse to act civil at all.
What does that mean for you? This simply means that adapting a ‘civil’
relationship might be completely one sided. And unfortunately, the narcissist
might also take the opportunity to embarrass you whenever you try to initiate
any sort of contact.
For instance, you might try to reach out to talk about a family get together, and
the narcissist might completely dismiss you or ignore you when you start to talk.
This is something they’re likely to do especially when there are others around to
see you being treated with animosity.
Being that the narcissist probably has a pristine image amongst others around
you, the people who see you being treated with negativity will likely take the
narcissist’s side, assuming you did something wrong.
In most cases, the best way to deal with a narcissist after breaking up your
relationship would be complete avoidance. Ignoring the narcissist and treating
them like an absolute non-entity can be far more beneficial for your mental and
emotional healing. Not only does this strategy keep you from being drawn back
into the narcissist’s trap, it also makes sure that the abuser won’t have any part
of you to exploit.
Will it be easy? Absolutely not. In fact, numerous victims of narcissistic abuse
claim that the urge to reach out, to talk about things, to ask for forgiveness can
spring at any time during the healing process, even years after you’ve ended the
relationship.
Although it might be tough, it’s not impossible. Try these strategies to help you
through the healing and strengthen your resolve to maintain distance from your
abuser.

Vacate All Venues for Communication

Unfollow. Unfriend. Block. It might sound harsh, and in our digital age, it’s
definitely considered the worst thing you can do to someone on social media, but
severing any avenues that you or they might use to reach out to one another can
be a great way to limit the chances of rekindling the dying flame.
But what if I need to talk to them someday? Don’t let the thought of maybe drive
you to keep those communication venues open. What’s important is the now,
and you need to maintain your focus on your recovery. So, make sure to leave no
doors or windows open and don’t let there be any opportunities for you to let the
internal mechanism push you into engaging in conversation.

Stop Updating Yourself on Their Life

These days, it’s easy to get information on someone’s current preoccupations

and activities. The internet isn’t called the information superhighway for no
reason. Unfortunately, this might also make it easier for you to keep checking in
on your abuser, getting snippets of information of how their life has continued in
your absence.
The problem with ‘stalking’ your abuser online is that it might spark two flames.
The first is the flame of longing: the more you keep looking at their pictures and
updates, the more you might feel the yearning to walk back into their life. The
second is the flame of sadness: seeing their life go on without you, and as though
they’re completely unaffected by your absence can significantly injure your
sense of self-worth.
What you need to remember is that narcissists are masters of disguise. They’re
the greatest pretenders. So, although your absence likely has caused them some
distress, they’ll make sure not to show that it does. Plus, they were probably
expecting you to peek into their life. So, they’ve made sure to be ready with
images that will hit you where it hurts.

Ruminate the Truth

Even when we know that we’re right, we have the tendency to give others the
benefit of the doubt. That’s just how naturally reasonable people are. So even
when dealing with a narcissistic abuser, victims have the urge to consider other
angles. Maybe they’re hurting, too. Maybe they have a low sense of self-esteem.
Maybe they’re troubled.
Stop. Don’t. No one other than yourself deserves your compassion and kindness.
Remember, narcissists aren’t troubled souls. They can’t be fixed. They’re not
acting out on trauma. That’s the problem with a narcissist; they don’t ‘deserve’
the compassion that many of us bestow on other people.
Narcissists genuinely think they’re better than you because they were raised to
believe so. They fight to control everyone in their life because they feel entitled
to that sort of power. I’m better than you, therefore you should listen to me so
you can somehow achieve the same greatness. It really is a toxic mentality.
Instead of trying to make sense of why they act the way they do, try to ruminate
the truth behind their actions. Sure, it might hurt at the start to really see their
behavior for what it truly was, but by insisting the truth on your mind, then it can
be easier to keep your distance as they lose their luster and take true form in your
mind’s eye.

Keep Yourself Preoccupied

Of course, there is no strategy more effective than simply trying to keep your
abuser out of your mind. At this point, your focus should be on yourself, so try
to do things that communicate self-love. After all, constantly thinking about the
pain and the abuse can also be negative if done in excess.
So, try to take yourself out, look for a new hobby, or treat yourself to something
new. It’s even better if you find something you can enjoy without the need for
other people’s company. The more you express love to yourself, the faster you
can reestablish your sense of self-worth. Once that’s in place, it becomes easier
to see the abuse for what it truly was, allowing you to detach yourself from your
abuser even further.
When Push Comes to Shove

As much as you’d probably like to just completely sever ties with your abuser,
it’s very possible that you still might have a few encounters now and again. In
some cases, things can go down with nothing more than a snarky remark from
the narcissist, but there are some instances when you might have to deal with
much, much more.
Narcissists who really want to hit their victim where it hurts will likely try to
provoke you by doing things they know you’d dislike. For instance, an abuser
might drag your job into the picture by reaching out to your boss to warn them
about your behavior. In other cases, narcissists have been known to jeopardize
relationships, going as far as trying to break up marriages for the sake of their
own satisfaction.
Of course, no one wants to deal with that. In fact, it might work in most cases,
causing you to fight back and engage the narcissist in an argument. But
remember, these people are good at what they do, and they want you to feel the
urge to engage. In doing so, you might be giving them the upper hand since they
may have already planned for your uprising.
Although it might be difficult, the best solution would be to just ignore their
efforts and tread on. Moving forward and taking the higher road will reduce the
collateral damage that your arguments might cause. Sure, the narcissist might
inflict some destruction all on his or her own, but by refusing to act on their
provocation, you can minimize the effects of their anger.
How NOT to Handle a Narcissist

To anyone dealing with and healing from narcissistic abuse for the first time, it’s
easy to make a wrong move and do something that could potentially cause more
harm than good. What you need to remember is that narcissists are not like
normal socially functional people. They’re psychopaths—as harsh as that might
sound—and that means they can behave in violent and destructive ways when
provoked.

There are a few things you need to make sure to avoid when dealing with your
abuser, and these cornerstones are the essentials towards minimizing the risk of
confrontation.

Telling Other People about the Narcissist

If there are a lot of people in your social circle that know your abuser, they
might start wondering why you no longer spend time together. As the victim,
your tendency might be to out the narcissist and tell others what you learned
about that specific personality type.
Before you go on sharing, remember that to everyone else, the narcissist likely
looks pristine and blemish-free. They’re perfect, and between the two of you, it’s
likely you that appears questionable and responsible for the broken relationship.
That said, it’s possible that the people in your circle of friends and perhaps even
in your family are not mentally prepared to be confronted with the truth. So even
if you serve them the reality as it happened, it’s possible that they might choose
to see it their way, which is with the narcissist maintained in their pristine image.
For you, this can be exhausting, frustrating, and painful, especially because
you’re only trying to speak your truth. Being told that you probably ‘just had a
misunderstanding’ or that you should reconsider the turn that your relationship
took can be brutal to hear, particularly because narcissistic abuse can be
seriously damaging in more ways than one.
Being unable to get people to believe your truth can bring you right back to
square one, questioning your decisions and revisiting the relationship you had
with the narcissist, trying to look at it in a different light. On top of that, not
being able to get the kind of reception you were hoping for can make you feel
unvalidated, as if adding salt to a healing wound.
Let other people discover the narcissist’s reality at their own pace. Find a way to
dismiss inquiries about the status of your relationship with your abuser by giving
demonstrative statements that just give a gist of the reality. “We got into a fight,
and I’m really not comfortable discussing the details,” is a great way to silence
people when they’re trying to pry into the situation.

Taking Them to a Therapist

These days, it’s possible to get specialized therapy or counseling for groups,
couples, families, friends, you name it. These sessions are said to significantly
improve the insight that arguing parties have, giving them a better idea as to why
each other is acting the way that they are. In many cases, therapy has saved
relationships, allowing people to continue on with new perspectives and
rediscovered love.

Although that might sound like something you might want to have with your
abuser—especially if they’re a close family member or a romantic partner—
therapy is actually not recommended as a solution against narcissistic abuse. No
doubt, most therapists and counselors are good at what they do, but not all of
them know how to spot a narcissist. So, what happens?
During your session, it’s possible that the narcissist might use any one or a
combination of the manipulation techniques in their arsenal, triangulating the
counselor and making them see you as the bad guy. In this way, the therapist
sees you as the issue in the relationships, aiming all arguments at you and failing
to see the reality of the situation.
Therapists will not work in any case, unless you can pre-empt the therapist by
telling them before the session that you’re dealing with a narcissist, which is
unlikely and unheard of. Aside from that, it’s important to remember that a
narcissist can’t change.
They don’t become narcissistic overnight; these behaviors are developed and
embedded in the abuser’s psyche early on in life. A poor childhood and abusive
parenting forces the narcissist into their toxic behavior and state of mind, so they
don’t really know how to act any other way. Even worse, they have no insight on
their poor social skills whatsoever. This, matched with their aversion to
correction, makes it impossible to make them see things the right way.
Essentially, what this means is that you should probably save your energy if you
were planning to help a narcissist become a better person. Many of us are
programmed to believe that changing people and sticking with them even when
they’re difficult to love is something we should do in order to be called good
people. Leaving someone for failing to meet our expectations of who they
should be is considered cruel and indifferent.
While it might be true that most people can change, that is hardly the case for a
narcissist. These individuals struggle with issues that are far too deeply ingrained
in their psyche, so there’s no way anyone around them could possibly make a
change. Even with the volition to change, a narcissist might have a hard time
trying to because it becomes an internal power struggle between the way they
were and the way they want to be.
Instead of trying to change someone who might only end up disappointing you
or abusing you for pointing out their mistakes, work on bettering yourself
instead. Invest in your mental and emotional healing and try to establish a new
social circle with healthier, happier relationships.
Chapter 5 - When Tendencies Stick
“Be picky about who you keep around you. Personalities, words, and traits do
rub off naturally.”
- Sonya Teclai
George had just about had enough of his father’s behavior. He didn’t like being
belittled, torn down, and compared to his dad, and he hated having his hard work
underappreciated simply because he was ‘just his father’s son.’ So, after their
last heated argument, he decided to just walk away and leave their relationship at
that. Whether they’d ever be on good terms again, he was uncertain. But he was
happy to finally be free from his dad’s abuse.
In the weeks following his falling out with his dad, George started to feel a
strong sense of isolation and guilt. He felt as though he had wronged his father,
and struggled to resist the urge to reconcile, knowing full well that it would only
give his dad the fuel he needed to make George feel bad about protecting and
defending himself.
George would soon start to realize all the little narcissistic behaviors that his
father manifested throughout his childhood up until his adulthood. He realized
that all the expensive family vacations his father would splurge on weren’t for
their enjoyment, but to show others around them that he had the financial
capabilities to pay for such expensive outings.
He noticed that as he and his siblings were growing up, their father would
always pick a favorite who he would praise and validate to the point where all
the other siblings felt like they had to compete to get the same treatment. He
realized that his father rarely had anything good to say about anyone, and that he
particularly seemed to enjoy talking harsh negativities about everyone around
him.
By thinking about his father’s behavior, George soon discovered that he had
been acting similarly. He noticed how he would also be critical of others, how he
often thought he was better than many of his coworkers, and how he found it
tough to deal with criticism from others. In a lot of ways, he had assimilated his
father’s behavior and was showing borderline narcissistic tendencies in many of
his interactions.
Needless to say, staying too long with a narcissist can make this a possibility.
Especially for children of narcissists, assimilating narcissistic behavior is a very
real danger. However, a sudden severance of a relationship with a narcissist,
especially if it happens in a confrontational way, can help the abused snap out of
the spell and see the narcissistic tendencies in themselves.
So, if you’ve just left an abusive relationship with a narcissist who made up a
large part of your life, you might start to notice that you’ve started to adopt some
of the behaviors they’ve shown you. Often, it’s the sense of inflated self-esteem
and the critical view of others that sticks around more noticeably.
Upon realizing this, you might feel worried thinking that there’s no way to turn
back. After all, narcissists can’t change. So, what does the future look like for
you? Remember that narcissistic people struggle to change because of their
outlook. They can’t recognize that they’re doing anything wrong, so they don’t
feel the need to fix anything.
However, since you’ve already noticed that there’s an error in the way that you
operate in social situations, it will become much more possible and viable for
you to make a change in your life.
How to Erase the Narc’s Effects

You already know how it felt to be abused by a narcissist, and it’s likely that you
won’t want to inflict the same damage on the people around you. Some people
who were subjected to narcissistic abuse claim to want to erase the narc’s effects
because they want to distance themselves from their abuser completely, not
wanting any of their residue in their lives.
Whatever the case might be with you, it’s very possible to erase narcissistic
tendencies once you become aware of them. Following these steps should help
set you off in the right direction towards becoming a better person.

Be Mindful

In a lot of ways, the effects of the narcissist might be moderately to severely

ingrained in your psyche as well. Of course, this might change depending on
how close you were with your abuser, and how much power they truly had over
your life. In many cases, the most severe effects exist in the children of
narcissists since parents are often the biggest influence in our lives.
Now that you know the kind of effect your abuser had, it’s ideal that you
maintain mindfulness since many of the behaviors you’ve learned are likely
reflexive. What does that mean? Simply put, you might find that the tendencies
you’ve adapted are not actually things that you still have to think about in order
to manifest. They show up even when you’re not trying, making you act in ways
that you otherwise would try to avoid.
Maintaining mindfulness on the different ways that you might show narcissism
isn’t easy. Despite that, it is possible to train your mind so that you learn to undo
the behavior. This involves becoming more tactful and thinking more
deliberately before you act or speak.
Right before you make a move, try to ask yourself these questions:
Am I acting out of a sense of self-entitlement?
Will anything good come out of my words/actions?
Am I doing this to cause insult to others, or to make them feel inferior to
me?
Do I have a valid reason to dislike this person and to act out on my
feelings?
Although you might take some time thinking about the repercussions and the
motives behind your thoughts, going through this process of weighing your
actions before you execute them can help you avoid acting out like your abuser.
Over time, the process will become instinctual, allowing you to erase the
tendencies all together.

Learn to Accept Others’ Advantages

One of the things that narcissistic victims tend to admit is that they have the
tendency to look down on other people and their achievements. This is the result
of the narcissist initially treating you like an extension of him or herself.
They only want to associate themselves with people who deserve to be in their
presence, so it’s possible that you might have heard them tell you how smart,
beautiful, talented, gifted, or capable you are. With time, this can make you think
that you are better than the others around you, just like your narcissistic abuser.
The ‘us versus them’ mentality is a popular tactic used by narcissists to
strengthen their victims’ feelings of oneness. The more you feel united with your
abuser, the more likely you’ll submit to their demands and expectations.
Now that you’ve severed the ties, you might start to notice how you have the
tendency to look down on others and think of yourself as the better person in
most social situations. You might see how you tend to dislike it when other
people do better than you, and you resort to nitpicking to find something that
they’re bad at to make yourself feel better.
In these instances, it’s important to remind yourself that different people have
different strengths, and you can’t be the best at everything. There will always be
others who are better than you at certain activities or tasks, and that’s not a
problem. That doesn’t mean that you amount to less, you don’t need to feel
threatened by other people’s success.

Erase the Aggression

Being around a narcissist might have made it reflexive for you to look at most
social interactions as though they’re confrontational and aggressive in nature,
even if the people you encounter aren’t trying to spark an argument. This is often
the result of the narcissist telling you’re better than other people, a necessary
aspect of establishing the ‘us versus them’ mentality.
Now, when you’re in a social situation, your initial tendency might be to act
dominating and aggressive, asserting yourself even when it isn’t necessary just
to reinforce your abuser’s idea that you’re better than the others you encounter.
Try to adapt a more neutral response to social interactions and react based on
what you’re shown instead of being confrontational off the bat.
It’s entirely possible to develop narcissistic traits despite being abused in the
relationship. Remember, the narcissist’s tactics involve making you feel like
you’re on the same level, which may cause you to develop a sense of
importance, entitlement, and inflated self-worth.
Recognizing where these behaviors might manifest themselves, developing your
mindfulness, and working to improve yourself as you continue the process of
healing can help you escape the trend to become much less like your abuser, and
more of a well-rounded, level-headed individual.
Chapter 6 - Coping with Outsiders Looking In
“Nobody knows your entire life story but you. They may have heard pieces of it,
but no one will ever know you like the way you know yourself.”
- Nick Susi
A common issue that victims of narcissistic abuse have to deal with but don’t
often expect is the pressure of explaining themselves to the people in their circle.
That’s the problem with being in any sort of relationship with a narcissist;
connections are rarely ever private. So, there are going to be a lot of people who
might be wondering why you’re suddenly no longer seen together.
To the healing victim, these questions might seem like the ideal opportunity to
open up and talk about the abuse that they’d been through. But it often proves to
be a pitfall because many of those around you might still see the narcissist in a
positive light.
The Struggle of Isolation

In many ways, the healing can feel like treading a lonely road. It’s rare that
you’ll have someone from your family and friends who can truly understand
what you’re going through. If they’re close with the abuser, they may even act in
favor of the narcissist and inflict more pain and hurt on you.
Throughout this process, you need to understand that having someone there to
help you through the healing might be impossible unless you’re able to find a
support group to help you out. That’s why it’s always best to help yourself and
seek out support if you feel that it’s necessary for your emotional and mental
health and wellbeing.
Why do people abandon the victim of narcissistic abuse? Simple: the narcissist
might have already beaten you to the punchline. Knowing that you’ve
disengaged from the relationship, your abuser already has an idea that you likely
have a few bad things to say about them. Since they’re intensely invested in their
image, they do their best to make sure that none of that information makes its
way into the mainstream.

So, the moment you walked away, it’s likely that the narcissist had already
painted a picture of you to your common friends and family. Ultimately, their
objective was to make sure that you had as little credibility as possible, so
anything you might say later would have little likelihood of being believed.
In some cases, a narcissist might even encourage others to avoid you all
together. They do this by inflating your mistakes, making you look like a
severely bad person, and telling others to ‘watch out’ because you might do the
same thing to them.
The reason why this works, even if you’ve been nothing but friendly, helpful,
and honest with the people around you, is because a narcissist will always have a
much more polished image than you do. They’re seen as ideal individuals, and
the idea that you might have crossed them comes across as unreasonable. What
reason would you have to be so upset with someone who’s so well-rounded?
All the Wrong Reasons

If you’re lucky enough to have family and friends that are strangers to your
abuser, then you might be able to vent and talk about your situation in a less
critical space. However, it’s important to understand that just because they don’t
know your abuser, doesn’t mean they’ll be able to provide reasonable, actionable
advice.
For instance, Tracy, who had finally decided to leave her abusive, narcissistic
husband after suffering through poor treatment for nearly 10 years, comes to her
close workmate and best friend who hasn’t met or seen her husband. Tracy
opens up about the difficulties, the control, and the emotional and mental
manipulation that has her broken, beaten, and close to depressed.
Of course, her friend sympathizes with her and tells her that everything will be
fine. But a main theme in her advice is that Tracy should give her husband
another chance. “He’s your husband after all. Do you really want to sacrifice
your marriage for an attitude problem? There are people who have seen worse
but still manage to soldier through. Maybe he’s going through a phase.”
The reason why the others around you might find it easy to say things like this is
because they’ve never dealt with a narcissist before. It is true, relationships
formed through binding covenants such as marriage, can be harder to toss out the
window because of the promises you’ve made. But harmonious coexistence with
a narcissist is rarely achievable.
Others can easily try to cope with the bad habits and attitudes of their close
friends and family and say that it’s an effort borne of love. But if you’re dealing
with a narcissist, love is hardly a sound solution. These people can’t interpret
affection and love, and only see positive reception of their being as praise and
admiration. So, any love that you might offer will be seen as submissiveness and
acknowledgment of their superiority.
Hearing other people in your circle telling you to be more patient, to extend
yourself, to consider the role the abuser has played in your life can make you
second-guess your decision to walk away. But keep in mind that these people are
speaking from a completely different vantage point and likely have no
experience dealing with a narcissist at all.
While it’s alright to vent and seek support from friends and family that have no
ties with your abuser, it’s always best to consider where they’re coming from
when they decide to impart any sort of advice. People who have no experience
with narcissists might give you recommendations that don’t really fit your
situation, so take it in stride and be secure in your decision to leave. No one
knows what’s better for you other than yourself.
The road to recovery can be a long and lonely one. Often, you will have
difficulty finding a support group that can actually relate to and understand your
situation. That’s because narcissists are exceptionally gifted at hiding their truth,
so most people won’t know the real nature of your abuser even if you exhaust
yourself trying to explain it. What’s more, not all people have encounters with
narcissists, so the odds of finding someone who can fully understand your
situation can be a challenge.
But don’t lose hope. These days, it’s possible to find support groups for
narcissistic abuse victims, allowing you access to a variety of resources, stories,
and companionship that can help you soldier through the healing process with
the right guidance and reassurance.
Chapter 7 - Focusing on You
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept
no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.”
- Harvey Fiernstein
The difficulty of simply walking away from a narcissistic abuser is the fact that
they might have been able to successfully win over your affection, trust, and
loyalty. Their manipulative tactics are often highly effective, allowing them to
establish strong bonds with their victims that make it exceptionally difficult for
anyone to just leave.
At this point in your healing, you might still be wondering whether you made the
right choice. Don’t worry, it’s only normal to doubt yourself. The mechanisms
put in place by your abuser aren’t as easily dismantled, so it might take some
time. But with dedication and perseverance, you can free yourself from the
shackles.
Avoiding Distractions

You’ll find that the biggest distraction you may have to deal with during your
recovery is the thought of trying to support your abuser through change. You
know they were wrong, you know they manifest toxic behaviors, and you know
that everyone can change. So why not help your abuser through the process?
This way, you might not have to break it off, allowing you to have a healthier
relationship with the narcissist. Right?
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as having a healthy relationship with a
narcissistic individual. Ushering them through change means pointing out the
problems with their behavior. Knowing how narcissists can be, do you think this
strategy will rub off well? Of course, it wouldn’t.
Simply talking about any negative attitudes that a narcissist might present, even
if they’re absolutely justified and factual, will definitely cause an anger flare up,
putting you at the receiving end of criticism and shame. So really, there’s no
such thing as helping a narcissist because it only places you under fire.
So, what’s the best solution?
The answer is simple: avoid distractions and focus on what’s important, which is
you!
The healing process isn’t about trying to reconcile a broken relationship, it’s not
about trying to ‘fix’ a narcissist, it’s not about finding a way to keep your
connection with an abuser while minimizing the damage they inflict on your
mental health and wellbeing.
It’s about learning to love yourself and being firm in your decisions. It’s about
being able to weigh the pros and cons of having certain people in your life and
having a sense of self-worth that’s strong enough to cut toxic individuals out of
your circle no matter the role they played in your life.
On the Road to Recovery

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a long, painful, and exhausting road.
There are countless hurdles that litter the way towards a complete recovery, and
you need to be careful not to get caught in them. Of course, keeping your goal in
mind can help reduce the chances of falling into these roadblocks. But there are
a few other strategies you might want to try out to help you achieve healing.

Write a Journal

Like losing weight or building up your savings, healing from narcissistic abuse
is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. So, you need to stay dedicated
throughout the journey. And one of the ways that you can do that is by keeping
track of your progress with a journal or a diary.

Writing down how you feel on certain days can make it easier to ruminate your
deeper emotions. Numerous studies have found that writing enhances the
thought process, allowing you to piece apart your feelings to put them into
context. It also helps to ask yourself questions regarding the information you’ve
written. Why do you feel this way? What can you do to resolve these negative
emotions? These are simple prompts that can help you thrive emotionally.
On top of that, being able to read back on the way you might have felt in the past
can encourage you to keep moving forward. For instance, if you read your first
entry and compare how you felt then with how you feel today, you might notice
significant positive changes. Seeing how far you’ve come, you may feel far more
empowered to keep on treading the road to recovery.

Find a New Circle of Friends

If your abuser was part of your circle of friends, then it’s possible that there
might not be able to continue hanging out with them. There’s no knowing what
kind of information the abuser might have shared regarding you, so it’s going to
be difficult to share a space with these friends. Why? A narcissist can inspire
them to abuse you by proxy, making it even more difficult to move through your
healing.
If you feel like you need friends, then you might want to consider finding new
companions elsewhere. Narcissistic support groups are a great place to find
likeminded individuals who may have been through the same kind of trauma that
you have. These judgment-free spaces are ideal to help you recover, allowing
you to share your experiences without having to worry about disbelief.
In your search for new friends however, it’s important that you keep the signs of
narcissists in mind. At this particularly vulnerable time in your life, it’s possible
that you might fall victim to yet another abuser. Don’t fall for people who might
show the same subtle signs of narcissists and keep a level head when meeting
new people; it could save you from another faulty relationship.

Don’t Rush Yourself

You’re going to have low points, this is a reality you need to accept. Sometimes,
the pain and the anger might be overwhelming, making you feel like you’d want
to do nothing more than just lie down and sulk. Don’t worry, it happens.
Riding the motions of recovery and allowing your feelings to strike will let you
heal more effectively instead of suppressing them and trying to push them back.
Remember, repressed feelings will surface later on in uglier ways. So be sure to
let them out as they come and resolve them as soon as they surface so you can be
free of them.
Rushing yourself through recovery and forcing yourself to feel okay might work
for now. But triggers can cause certain emotions to rise back up through your
system. These unaddressed emotions can make you feel like you’re right back at
square one, making it difficult to truly move through the process.
Don’t force yourself into feeling anything, and don’t pretend to be okay.
Emotions are healthy and shouldn’t be seen as nuances that need to be silenced.
Love yourself enough to know that the way you feel is completely valid and
appropriate, and nurse yourself back to proper emotional health one day at a
time.

Don’t Apologize for the Narc

One way that some people tend to try to achieve healing is by apologizing for or
rationalizing the things that the narc might have done to them. If the narcissist
did any of the things they did out of their own lack of self-esteem, out of
traumatic experiences, out of faulty upbringing somehow invalidates the way
you might feel. Assuming that there’s a ‘better’ person underneath the narc’s
exterior, waiting to be taken care of and fixed makes your emotions a second
priority.
Remember that healing is about you. While many of us want to believe there’s
good in everyone, this defense mechanism doesn’t translate well when trying to
heal from a narcissist’s abuse. You need to learn to admit that they were a
horrible person, that they’re not going to change, that they can’t be fixed, and
that they’re plain mean.
Sure, it’s not easy. We all want to believe that everyone deserves a second
chance. But when you acknowledge the narc for what they truly were, you’ll be
able to put yourself first and avoid trying to reconcile in the hope of being able
to fix them. They can’t be fixed, unfortunately. However, you can fix yourself
and become a better, stronger person.

Discovering Your Inner Child

This one’s a doozy and is often not as easily achieved. But each one of us has an
inner child with unmet needs that possibly took place early in our lives. These
gaps in our inner child’s mind were created by our parents’ remiss, causing us to
look for things to fill up the holes in our hearts by seeking out certain types of
people, places, or possessions.
Wait, my parents were nothing short of the best. They weren’t perfect, but they
didn’t do anything wrong. They were only trying their best. Although it is true
that most parents were probably providing you the best childhood they could
afford and manage, it doesn’t mean they didn’t commit minor errors or neglect
while you were growing up. This doesn’t mean they’re bad parents, just that
they’re human.

The thing that makes us vulnerable to narcissistic abuse is our longing for
validation, acceptance, and affection. In many ways, these are things that our
parents should have been responsible for. During the times that we were unable
to receive enough of these from them, it’s possible that our childhood brains
might have developed a specific longing for them.
Sigmund Freud, a popular psychoanalyst, made it simple when he released his
theory of Freudian stages of Psychosexual Development. This theory states that
at each age, individuals have specific needs that should be met in order to
properly transition over to the next phase of development. If certain
requirements are not met, then that individual may grow up to manifest the
remiss during the stage that was improperly satisfied.
Take for example people who indulge in smoking and drinking, both activities
which center around the oral orifice. During the first stage in Freud’s theory,
called the oral stage, all functions of the child are focused around the region of
the mouth. This includes breastfeeding, teething, crying, and exploring the world
by putting toys and other objects in their mouths.
Mothers that fail to breastfeed their children that take a while to respond to their
baby’s cries, that prevent their children from exploring toys with their mouths
ultimately fail to satisfy the oral stage. So, what happens? In adulthood, this may
manifest as a need to keep the mouth preoccupied with cigarettes or alcoholic
beverage.
Throughout the different stages, our needs change, so manifestations can be
different as we age depending on which area our parents failed to satisfy. With
this principle in mind, we can see how certain gaps in our parents’ upbringing
can cause issues in our adult lives.
Take Martha’s situation for example. Martha was brought up in a home where
both of her parents worked strict corporate jobs. They were both high ranking
executives, making quite a lot of money to be able to fund their large family of
8. With 6 children to send to school, dress, feed, and provide for, Martha’s
parents had quite a lot on their plate. So, they worked extended hours to make
sure that all of their bills and needs were paid for.
When her parents got home, Martha would often see them have a quick dinner as
a couple since all the children would have finished eating when they arrived.
They would then trudge to their bedroom, get ready for bed, visit the kids in
their rooms and say goodnight, and then sleep. On the weekends, their parents
would be working on documents that had to be signed and processed for the
coming week.
Martha and her siblings all did well in school, and they all enjoyed the luxury of
going to a private educational institution. They came home with impressive
grades and were highly participative in sports and after-school activities.
Whenever Martha came home with grades from a recent exam or quiz, she
would always place her scorecard on her parents’ bedroom desk and wait for
them to see it in the morning.
On some days, her parents would congratulate her for a job well done. But on
others, the pressure of their responsibilities made it difficult to have time for
each of their children. So, Martha’s achievements might sometimes go
unnoticed.
On top of that, Martha’s hunger for affection from both of her parents was
hardly ever satisfied. She would approach them in bed and try to snuggle up to
them, but they would sometimes complain of body pain and headaches, asking
their children to head to their respective rooms so that they could get rest.
Were Martha’s parents bad people? Absolutely not. If anything, they were
exceptionally hardworking, patient, and loving parents. But the weight of their
responsibilities made it difficult for them to meet every single need that their
children might have had. This unfortunately included the nurturance and warmth
that young children crave.
When Martha grew up, she would continue to hunger for affection and care.
That’s why when she met Charlie, a charming, witty, intelligent, and handsome
coworker, she almost immediately fell in love. He was near perfect in every way,
and he recognized her achievements, something she had long wanted.
Martha would soon find herself in a relationship with Charlie, and his kind
words and subtle affection made her fall in love deeper and deeper every day.
Unfortunately, she would soon learn that Charlie was a narcissist, and his
abusive behavior would significantly damage her sense of self-worth.
But because he would give her praise and affection on good days, Martha found
it near impossible to leave. After all, this is what she’d been wanting all along.
So, she felt that suffering through his abuse was a small price to pay given the
kind of affection and love he would show whenever she was on his good side.
Looking at Martha’s situation, it’s easy to see that there was a problem with her
inner child. The longing for love, acceptance, and attention that she used to have
as a child translated as she grew into an adult. Her parents’ inability to satisfy
her longing for affection and warmth was found in Charlie, so Martha became a
willing victim despite seeing his true nature.
Healing the issues of the inner child can help make you much more mindful of
the kind of relationships you engage in. Becoming the person your inner child
needs will prevent you from seeking acceptance and validation from outsiders
who might not be able to provide it in the healthiest of ways.
To heal your inner child, it’s best to ask yourself: what specific memory from
my childhood induces a feeling of sadness or lack? What would I have wanted to
hear from my parents or caregiver when I was a young child? Why do I find the
need to seek acceptance and value from people on the outside? What happened
in my childhood that would make me act this way?
Of course, it takes more than just asking a few questions to uncover the
problems of your inner child. In fact, the process of healing your inner child
might be a long, grueling process all on its own. For most people, discovering
the problems of their childhood self can require months or even years of digging
and deciphering, especially because our memories tend to be clouded, and our
interpretation of certain events might be askew.
But when you do discover your inner child, what you need to do is provide him
or her the love and affection that he or she might have craved. Nurture your
inner child and learn to satisfy their needs by loving yourself as you are now.
The more you’re able to satisfy the needs of your inner child, the less likely
you’ll look for anything or anyone to do it for you. This should pave the way for
a more confident, self-reliant disposition that allows friendships to grow where
they do instead of trying to force them to flourish out of need.

Enjoy Your Own Company

All too often, we find ourselves feeling uncomfortable and awkward being
alone. That’s why we end up forcing relationships and squeezing ourselves into
cliques in order to simply not be alone. But this longing to be a part of
something in fear of being by yourself can spark the beginning of narcissistic
abuse. Wanting to be a part of something makes us prone to the ‘us versus them’
ideology, since that would apparently make us a part of something elite.
Learning to enjoy your own company will teach you to rely on yourself for
confidence, happiness, and comfort. Being on your own teaches you that you
don’t need anyone to be content with what you have and where you are. And
finally, it teaches you that you don’t need to force yourself into friendships or
relationships that might not be best for you.
Once you discover what you truly enjoy by spending time with yourself, it
becomes easier to see the things that you don’t need. So, if and when a narcissist
does approach you, you’ll be able to pick up on their tactics and see that it’s not
something that particularly satisfies anything in you. You can validate yourself,
you can compliment yourself, and you can make yourself feel important, so you
won’t fall for their manipulation and dirty tactics.

Set Boundaries

Learning to say no is a powerful, beautiful thing. It showcases your self-esteem,

protects you from abuse, and gives you autonomy over your own being.
Narcissists often prey on people who can’t say no. Individuals who have no
confidence in themselves, who constantly need approval, who want to please
others. These are people who will say yes to anything even if it puts them in an
inconvenient situation.
Putting boundaries will show people that you value yourself and that you’re not
easily swayed into decisions that don’t benefit you. Saying no protects you from
potential narcissists who may want to take advantage of you to satisfy their own
greedy needs. Saying no empowers you and makes you feel more in control of
yourself.
Learn to say no. You don’t live to please others. You live to care for yourself.
Set boundaries to protect your mental and emotional wellbeing. Anyone who is
put off by your preference for personal space might not be interested in your
wellbeing and might simply feel inconvenienced that you can’t be taken
advantage of.
Special Situations - Can I Stay?

There are some cases when a narcissistic abuser can’t simply be walked away
from. These are the times when you might be particularly bound to the narc
either by blood or by covenant. To put things into perspective, it’s easier to walk
away from a narcissistic boss than it is to walk away from a narcissistic husband.
Many times, people who are invested in a relationship with a narcissist might ask
whether it’s possible to stay. Of course, this is a very reasonable question to ask,
but there’s far more to it than simply considering the weight of the relationship
you share.

The Narcissistic Spouse

Samantha and Elon were married for nearly 10 years. They have 3 young kids
and share all their assets, from their cars, to their home, and even the small
business that they managed to put up together. Their marriage has been anything
but perfect, but they manage to get by. For the most part, the person keeping
their finances well-funded is Sam, the main breadwinner in their family unit.
Elon would describe Sam as something of a control freak. Being the one who
was more aggressive when it came to work, Samantha demanded that Elon stay
home to take care of the children. She said that it would be better for their
financial future if she were the one working, since she could manage to make
more.
At the time, Elon thought it was a practical idea. They promised each other that
he would resume work once the children were all in elementary school. But
when that time came, Sam was unhappy with Elon’s suggestion to return to
work.
She questioned his sanity and asked him if he considered the reality. He had
been out of work for nearly 6 years, so Sam said it would be tough for him to
find a place in the workforce, especially with younger, competitive fresh-
graduates flooding into the employment scene.
This became the root of a chain of arguments down the line. Elon felt that Sam
was being too controlling, and that she had been sidelining him since he left
work to suppress him and make him take the backseat as she steered their family
into whatever direction she wanted to. Elon would often feel defeated,
emasculated, and worthless. He had lost his sense of self-worth throughout the
years of being cooped up in their home, caring for children. And now when he
finally had the chance to establish a career and fulfill his longing for purpose, his
wife had snuffed out his hopes.
Samantha forced Elon to stay home even after the children were all in
elementary school and told him it would be better if he simply tried to manage
and grow the small family laundry shop that they put up. But even the small
tasks of managing their business were strictly overseen by his wife who would
get mad at him and insult him for making minor errors.
Not wanting to continue his life this way, Elon asserted himself and sought a job
against his wife’s will. Of course, they argued about it for a while, but after he
insisted, Samantha simply told him to do what he wanted to and proceeded to
ignore him for the rest of the month.
Unfortunately, Elon’s lack of confidence and damaged self-esteem made it
difficult for him to really wow any interviewers during his hunt for a job. The
fact that he had been jobless for a while also made it a challenge to find an
employer that was willing to take a risk with a rusty hire.
As expected, coming home from rejection after rejection further damaged Elon’s
confidence. He started to believe that his wife was right, and that his hopes for
establishing a career at this point in his life would be futile. Despite his defeat
and borderline depression however, his wife would continue to berate him,
telling him that he was an idiot for even trying to go his own way instead of
believing what she had to say.
After a few nights of rumination, Elon realized that it had been years before he
truly felt happy in his marriage. His controlling wife had snuffed out his dreams,
and now he was reduced to a house husband with no apparent purpose. He
wanted more out of his life, and he felt that his wife was just too controlling and
domineering to let that happen. But for what reason? He was only trying to
better himself.
All things considered, should Elon walk away and leave his marriage? This is
when the debate begins. Some people would assert that marriage should be a
onetime thing, so Elon should suck it up and try his best to resolve the issues
he’s experiencing with his wife. Then there are others that would say Elon
should walk away and exercise his talents because his wife is obviously stifling
his potential.
While there are points on both ends, it’s important to weigh the pros and cons.
These two people share all their assets and have 3 children between them.
Separating now would mean having to divide their possessions and properties
and deciding how to spend time with the children so they’re not as negatively
affected by the divorce.

On top of that, there’s the divorce process. Separating from your spouse can
become a messy court battle, and often, narcissists will refuse to let you off easy.
They’ll exercise every tactic and go as far as exhaust all their finances in order to
hit you where it hurts.
Then, there’s the issue of Elon’s mental and emotional health. The man feels
depressed and is looking for a way to become a more functional unit of his
family, as well as of society. His longing for purpose is ingrained in our psyche
and is a normal response to our journey towards self-actualization.
Unfortunately, his wife seems to want to take control of him for the rest of his
life, preventing him from exercising the limits of his talents and capabilities all
to say that she was in control.
All things considered, we need to put the husband’s emotional and mental
wellbeing above practicality. Children have been known to thrive well even with
separated parents, and legal battles do come to an end. If Elon can find a support
group, a place to stay, and a situation where he can get his bearings to start over
and become the person he wants to be, then opting for a divorce is possible.
But is it possible to continue living with the narcissist while still being able to
exercise his talents? Elon was able to force his way to an interview or two before
even when his wife said no, so it’s definitely a possibility. It’s important to keep
in mind however that the struggle might be a little more aggressive with the
narcissist around.
Firstly, it might be impossible to get them to agree to anything that you do. So, if
you do land a job or find a suitable vocation, they will continue to berate you
and bring you down because it’s not what they instructed you to do. What’s
more, your relationship might become even more hostile, putting more pressure
on your emotional and mental health.
Secondly, trying to grow and thrive with your abuser in the picture might be far
more difficult. With their mechanisms in place and not being torn apart, the
things they say and do may still have a monumental effect on your mentality and
psyche. So, it really depends how much esteem and confidence you have in
yourself.

The Narcissistic Parent

Another type of narc that might be hard to distance yourself from is the
narcissistic parent. Unlike a narc partner, these individuals are with you from the
moment you’re born, making their effect on you far deeper and damaging.
Narcissistic parents breed their children to be instruments in their charade, so
they’re trained to respond to positive reinforcement which comes in the form of
conditional love.
Unfortunately, a narc parent’s affection will often be short lived. Essentially,
affection and affirmation are used as tools to whip the child into shape and to
make them act how the parent wants them to. When the child behaves against
the parent’s desires, they are shamed and disowned.
This cycle of approval and disapproval makes the child strive for greatness.
Disapproval is painful and tiring, so children make sure that they do everything
they can to win over their parents’ love, which is unfortunately superficial and
instrumental.
Into adulthood, the narcissistic parent might become even more controlling, as
opposed to the natural practice of well-adjusted parents to let their children go
and explore life on their own. The reason for narc parents tightening their death
grip around their children’s necks later into adulthood is the fact that at this age,
their children might start to develop their own thoughts and ideas.
Adults are more likely to see the faulty behaviors of their parents because they
have a wider view of the world, of morals, and of right and wrong. So, they start
to question their parents’ actions and motives more readily. By coming down
harder on them, the mechanisms that were instilled in their childhood are forced
into motion and the adult child is made to behave according to the parents’
desires once more.
Unfortunately, narcissistic parents have no problems destroying marriages for
their children, steering their careers, and making decisions for their families
because they feel that these are things they’re supposed to do. They own their
children and feel responsible for making sure their lives go the way they want
them to.
As an adult, having a parent that tries to take the reins on your life might stifle
your potential. Narcissistic parents have also been known to cause turmoil in
their children’s marriages, since they often don’t like the partners that their
children choose, making them out to be ‘others’.
So, is it right to leave behind a narcissistic parent? Before you buy into the idea
that ‘you’ll only ever have one mother/father’, you need to weigh the
consequences of keeping your narcissistic parent in your life. For one, their
presence may prevent you from taking control of your own path. They will
decide for you and shame you for choosing otherwise. They’ll continue to use
your desire for your parents’ recognition and affection to prompt you to make
decisions that please them.
Marriage and family life are also particularly affected when there’s a narcissistic
parent in the picture. Their desire to control you will generate animosity between
you and your spouse and may even prevent you from developing your own
parenting style as you adapt what your parents tell you to do.
Finally, a narcissistic parent will eat away your identity. Everything you do will
be the fruit of their decisions, their choices, their demands, and their preferences
for you instead of what you want to do for yourself and your family.
All things considered, it’s probably best to leave a narcissistic parent behind.
Will it be tough? Absolutely. Living your entire life trying to please and satisfy
this person will make it exceptionally difficult to walk away because doing what
they want you to do will have been all you know to do. Plus, walking away from
someone so deeply intertwined in your life might mean having to walk away
from every other person in your family as well.
In many cases, narcissistic parents will destroy your image to your siblings and
tell them to stay away from you for being disobedient. You’ll be propped up as
the image of an ungrateful child, and your siblings will be taught to avoid
becoming like you if they want to stay in your parents’ good graces. So, you
should expect to be completely alienated from the family that you grew up with.
What happens if you stay? If you’re grown enough and you can manage to move
out, you might want to consider finding a place of your own and moving away
from your parents. Having your own space to call your own, where you make the
rules can be much healthier since it puts some distance between you and your
parents. And fortunately, moving out isn’t something they can truly crucify you
for since it’s the natural order of things.
Sure, the narcissistic parent will still have some things to say. But having that
kind of physical space from them where they can’t control every single move
you make can give you just enough white space to construct your own thoughts
and establish your own self.
For minors who aren’t quite yet ready to move away from home, the best
solution would be to maintain mindfulness. Now that you know the kind of
person your parent is, being aware of all the things they do and the possible
reasons for them will help make it easier for you to keep your cool and avoid
confrontation.
While the temptation to leave might be strong, remember that life without family
support can be tough. Because your narc parent might enact a smear campaign
against you means you might not have anyone to run to when you decide to
leave. Instead, keep a level head, tell them what they want to hear, but maintain
your awareness of their manipulation to shield yourself from the potential
damage that their behavior might cause.

Forged in Fire

They say the more difficult a challenge is, the stronger you are when you come
out of it. It’s true, dealing with a narcissist might seem like a never-ending
nightmare, from the abuse, to the emotional turmoil, to the mental stress, and
even right down to the healing. Being with a narcissist is a tiring experience on
all levels.
But what you’ll soon realize when you finally walk away is that all those years
you’ve spent in hardship will not go unrewarded. Being your own savior and
working on yourself, you’ll be better equipped to face the future as you develop
a better sense of your own worth.
Relationships with narcissists can come with a silver lining in that they teach
you understanding, empathy, and social graces on a whole different level. As
you graduate from the abuse, you’ll find that you’re much better prepared to face
the world with a clearer outlook and a mature set of spectacles that see the truth
in every situation and interaction.

A Pleasant Surprise

Perhaps from the moment you realized that you were with a narcissist, the first
thing on your mind was how unlucky you were to have fallen into such an
intricate trap. You might have chosen to blame yourself, to ask why you didn’t
acknowledge the signs when you first saw them, to beat yourself up over
allowing such a potent pain to take over your life.
No doubt, it does feel like the opposite of winning the lottery to become the
main squeeze for a psychopathic narcissist. But as you continue to grow and
learn, you’ll soon see that perhaps their short role in your life was for the best.
When you first entered a relationship with your abuser, whether it was for
friendship, for romantic partnership, or for any other reason, it’s likely that you
weren’t fully aware of who you were. You were trying to fulfill a special need
that you longed for, perhaps stemming from your childhood. So, any and every
choice you made was geared towards filling up a hole that you so desperately
wanted to satisfy.
As the abuse proceeds, you start to see how this other person isn’t properly
filling in the gaps in your heart. You’re starting to see how they don’t fully
understand you, and that in a way, they probably don’t fully love you to be able
to genuinely meet your emotional void. So, you muster all your strength and you
walk away.
At the beginning of the separation, the pain and guilt might be overwhelming.
Oftentimes, you’ll find yourself questioning your decisions and trying to figure
out whether you’ve done the right thing because this was a person you loved.
But then it hits you: all your decisions and choices were made with their best
interest in mind because you wanted nothing short of the best for them. Because
you loved them. If they loved you, shouldn’t they have been doing the same?
If this person truly loved you the way that they said they did, then it would be
impossible for them to treat you so poorly. Now, you see how their actions and
their words weren’t in sync, and how their behavior was an obvious sign of their
ulterior motives. They were interested in acquiring the best treatment for
themselves because they felt entitled to the best that others had to give. But they
couldn’t be bothered to act the same way because they never thought you
deserved it in the first place.
As you continue to grow and thrive after the encounter, you’ll learn that no one
outside of yourself will be able to provide you the kind of love and affection that
you need deep down inside. No one will be able to fill in the gaps. No one is
responsible for making you feel comfortable, content, and happy, no one but
yourself. So now, you start to work on your self-esteem and confidence. You
give yourself the love that you were expecting from other people. You learn to
value yourself and create boundaries so that you receive everything that you
deserve and nothing less.
A pleasant surprise you’ll learn along the way is that you were never incomplete.
You never needed anyone to make you whole. You yourself are a whole human
being and you have everything you need to be safe, secure, and happy all by
yourself.
You don’t need anyone to make you feel important, and you’ll learn that the
privilege of having honest and genuine friends, a faithful and loving romantic
partner, and even a supportive and affectionate family unit are all just cherries on
top of the experience of life. Nothing can make you feel as full as learning to
love yourself completely and unconditionally.
Aside from all that, being with a narcissist teaches you to be more empathetic
with the people around you. As narcissists tend to have a severely impaired
capacity to empathize, watching them operate will make it easier for you to be
mindful of other people’s feelings.
You don’t want to be like this person, and you don’t want to disregard the way
that people feel just to accommodate your own emotions. So, you’ll strive to put
yourself in other people’s shoes and learn to become more tactful so that you
never had to inflict the same kind of pain and embarrassment that your abuser
was likely known for.
So, was living with this narcissist an absolute nightmare? Of course, no one is
discrediting the feelings that you might have gone through during the encounter.
But was it worthless?
In many ways, it probably wasn’t. Without the experience, you’d be the same,
broken, hungry person you once were, unaware of your own capacity to love
yourself, and still searching for someone to fill the gaps for you. We can assume
that maybe, one way or another, that intense longing for someone to make you
happy would probably have pushed you into the arms of a narcissist somewhere
down the line. So, learning earlier on and being able to walk away as soon as
you did puts you at an advantage.
Now, you can truly enjoy life as your own best friend, and you can feel
confident knowing that you don’t need anyone to validate you or to make you
feel valuable.
You are your most important investment so be sure to care for yourself before
you consider the feelings of others or the practicality of staying. In most cases, a
peaceful coexistence with a narcissist will be impossible, so instead of trying to
be unified with your abuser, focus on yourself and learn to prioritize your own
mental and emotional wellbeing.
It’s hard to leave, that’s true. But once you decide to make the change for
yourself, and once you see the importance of putting your own health above
everything else, everything else will fall into place.
Conclusion
“Healing may not be so much about getting better as about letting go of
everything that isn’t you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and
becoming who you are.”
- Rachel Naomi Remen
Narcissists. They take you, chew you up, and spit you out, but once you get the
dirt out of your eyes, everything becomes clearer. These individuals might not be
the best to have around, and they can inflict serious damage on you and your
mental wellbeing but helping yourself through recovery can uncover new layers
of your person that you never knew existed.
While many are fortunate enough to live life without having to go through the
abuse of a narcissist, those who do have a unique opportunity for learning. Not a
lot of people are able to achieve the level of maturity that victims of narcissistic
abuse do, so you might say that you are fortunate in your own right.
Surviving narcissistic abuse is something you should be proud of. Not everyone
can see it through, and not everyone has the resilience to defeat that kind of
battle. But the simple fact that you’re here and you’re trying means that you do
have what it takes to heal and recover from the pain.
Now, it’s time to heal. It might have taken you a while, but you’re here and
you’re on your way to a fuller, happier life, away from the abuse. So, take a deep
breath, smile, and give yourself a pat on the back. It definitely wasn’t easy.
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