Lecture 14

'Trust' – the Foundational Value

in Relationship
Need to Explore Relationship
We had explored “can we live in relationship without understanding relationship?”
Having right understanding about relationship is necessary for fulfillment in relationship

We had also explored "the unhappiness in our families is more due to lack of physical facility or
more due to lack of fulfillment in relationship?”
The major issue in family is that of relationship; physical facility (and body) is used as a means

As long as we consider human being to be body, it is not possible to understand relationship; and
without understanding relationship, it is not possible to fulfill relationship, even though we do
want to fulfill relationship. We are trying to assume relationship on the basis of body and trying
to fulfill relationship on the basis of body, and it does not work, inspite of all good intentions

Now we can explore relationship with the clarity of human being, as co-existence of self and
body

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Harmony in the Family
1. Relationship is – between one self (I1) and another self (I2)
2. There are feelings in relationship – in one self (I1) for the other self (I2)
3. These feelings can be recognized – they are definite (9 Feelings)
4. Their fulfilment, evaluation leads to mutual happiness

Feelings in relationship:
1- Trust FOUNDATION VALUE 6- Reverence
2- Respect 7- Glory
3- Affection 8- Gratitude
4- Care 9- Love COMPLETE VALUE
5- Guidance

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These feelings can be recognized – they are definite (9 Feelings)
Each of us can investigate if these feelings are naturally acceptable to us or not

What is naturally acceptable to you?

Feeling of trust or mistrust?
Feeling of respect or disrespect?
Feeling of affection or jealousy?
Feeling of care or exploitation?
Feeling of guidance or misguidance, confusion?
Feeling of reverence or irreverence?
Feeling of glory or inglorious feelings?
Feeling of gratitude or ingratitude?
Feeling of love or hatred?

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Now, we will explore
1. What is Trust?
2. Will trust be there for only few persons or for all?
3. Will trust be conditional or unconditional?
4. Can we trust anybody in continuity?

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Trust
Trust = to be assured
= to have the clarity that the other wants to make me
happy & prosperous

Now, let us explore this feeling of trust between two individuals

▪ You are the first individual
▪ Think of the other as someone in your family… close friends

And let us ask some simple questions…

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Evaluating Trust – Between 2 Individuals
About your Natural Acceptance About your Ability

1a. I want to make myself happy always √ 1b. I am able to make myself always happy ?

2a. I want to make the other happy always √ 2b. I am able to make the other always happy?

3a. The other wants to make herself/himself √ 3b. The other is able to make herself/himself ?
happy always always happy
4a. The other wants to make me happy always ? 4b. The other is able to make me always ??
happy

Intention – Natural Acceptance Competence

What is Naturally Acceptable to You What You Are (∑ D, T, E)
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Doubt on Intention: Mistrust
About your Natural Acceptance About your Ability

1a. I want to make myself happy always √ 1b. I am able to make myself always happy ?

2a. I want to make the other happy always √ 2b. I am able to make the other always happy?

3a. The other wants to make herself/himself √ 3b. The other is able to make herself/himself ?
happy always always happy
4a. The other wants to make me happy always ? 4b. The other is able to make me always ??
happy

Intention – Natural Acceptance Competence

What is Naturally Acceptable to You What You Are (∑ D, T, E)
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About the Other About Myself
The other broke a glass The glass broke by accident

If the other makes a mistake even once… Even if I make the same mistake 100 times…
– I doubt his intention – I never doubt my intention
– He makes mistakes intentionally – I make mistakes by accident
– I have a feeling of opposition, get irritated, – I have a feeling “I am special”
angry… – I reinforce “I am good”. I do not make effort to
– I reinforce “The other is bad”, can not improve improve my own competence

Doubt on intention is a major reason for problems in relationships

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Common Mistake in Relationship
I evaluate myself on the basis of my intention

I evaluate the other on the basis of their

competence

I doubt their intention. I assume their lack of

competence to be their lack of intention I
feel opposed to the other, I get irritated,
angry…
?
I may not speak to the other for days… or even
breakup the relationship… One may have
lost many good friends like this…
Doubt on intention is a major
reason for problems in
relationships
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Distinguishing between Intention (Natural Acceptance) and Desire
Desire is not the Force / Power Activity
same as
Natural Acceptance 1. Realization Natural
(only a small set of vuqHko 3 Acceptance
Desires may be 2. Understanding INTENTION
guided by Preconditioning 1 cks/k
Natural Acceptance…
3. Desire Imaging
A larger set of desires fp=.k
may be motivated by
4. Thought Doubt
Analysing COMPETENCE
Preconditioning or
Sensation) on
fo'ys"k.k What You Are
5. Expectation Intention
Selecting/Tasting
p;u@vkLoknu
2 Sensation
Body
Behaviour Work

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Self Reflection
If you have unconditional, continuous trust on intention (natural acceptance) of the other and if
the other is lacking competence, what will you do:
a) Try to improve his competence Trust on Intention (and also improve your
Response
competence)
b) Get irritated
c) Get angry Doubt on Intention Reaction
d) Have a feeling of opposition

How many persons, in your family and friends, do you have trust on intention (natural
acceptance) – unconditional, continuous?

This is fundamental. Trust on intention is the foundation of relationship

You can get an idea of the state of your understanding about relationship from this exploration…

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Sharing & Questions regarding your Self Reflection
How many persons, in your family and friends
you have trust on intention (natural acceptance)
– unconditional, continuous?

If you have unconditional, continuous trust on intention (natural acceptance) of the other and if
the other is lacking competence, what will you do:
a) Try to improve his competence (and also improve your competence)
b) Get irritated Trust on Intention Response
c) Get angry
d) Have a feeling of opposition
Doubt on Intention Reaction

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Trust: To have the clarity that the other intends to make me happy
About your Natural Acceptance About your Ability

1a. I want to make myself happy always √ 1b. I am able to make myself always happy ?

2a. I want to make the other happy always √ 2b. I am able to make the other always happy?

3a. The other wants to make herself/himself √ 3b. The other is able to make herself/himself ?
happy always always happy
4a. The other wants to make me happy always√ 4b. The other is able to make me always ??
happy

Intention – Natural Acceptance Competence

What is Naturally Acceptable to You What You Are (∑ D, T, E)
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Trust

The Natural Competence

Acceptance = the % of
(Intention) is Lack of Competence imagination
same in guided by
every human Natural
being Acceptance

Competence
of various
Competence people may
be quite
different
Me (Self1) Selfi Selfj Selfk

Take-away:
Trust on Intention (Natural Acceptance)

I am able to see that

the other has a natural acceptance (intention) to make me happy
s(he) may or may not have the competence to do so
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About the Other About Myself
The glass broke by accident The glass broke by accident

Even if the other makes the same mistake 100 When I make a mistake even once…
times… – I am clear about my intention
– I am clear about his intention – I know the mistake is due to lack of
– I know the mistake is due to lack of competence, not a lack of intention
competence, not a lack of intention – I make effort to improve my own competence (I
– I make effort to help improve his competence am willing to learn)
with a feeling of affection
I know that “he may have difficulty
understanding… and also, I may have difficulty
in explaining…”

Trust on intention is the starting point for mutual development

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Trust: The Foundation of Relationship
With trust on intention, I feel related to the
other (I accept the relationship)

When I make a program with the other

– I evaluate his competence as well as my
competence and
– I make the program in accordance with our
current mutual competence

I am consistently making effort to learn, to

improve my competence

If the other is lacking in competence, I am

committed to help the other to improve his
competence, without becoming irritated…

Trust on intention is the starting

point for mutual development
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Understanding Trust Assuming Trust
Being able to see that all human beings have “Trust” on competence is based on events –
the same natural acceptance (intention) as me can keep changing

Trust on intention is founded on understanding The last 5 times I lent her money, she returned
(not based on events) it on time… so I can trust her

It does not keep changing with time or person. He said he will reach at 11, but look it is after
So it can be unconditional and continuous 12 now… he always comes late… so how can
I trust him to be on time?

Of course, the competence may or may not be Here we are not looking at the natural
there – in me or in the other acceptance (intention). We are only seeing the
competence

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Sum Up
Trust is to have the clarity that the other wants to make me happy & prosperous.
Trust is the foundation of relationship

If I am aware of my natural acceptance, I have trust on intention

I feel related to the other (I accept the relationship)
When I make a program with the other, it is based on right evaluation of our mutual competence
▪ In case the other is lacking in competence
− I make effort to assure the other
− I make effort to improve his competence once he is assured in relationship (and not before that)
▪ If I lack competence, I become ready to take help from the other to improve my competence

If I am unaware of my natural acceptance, I may have doubt on intention

▪ I evaluate the other on the basis of his competence and assume the lack of competence to be the lack
of intention; and thus feel opposed to him (while I evaluate myself on intention)
▪ This feeling of opposition shows up as irritation or anger (and it may further lead to fighting, struggle
and war)

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