Some Management Jokes Twenty New Management Styles 1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES These kind

of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner. 2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows. 3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking. 4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do. 5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases. 6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about. 7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5! 8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do. 9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on. 10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore. 11) MANAGING BY STUDYING

Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice. 12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance. 13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are. 14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes. 15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure. 16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ) 17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms. 18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize. 19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all. 20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.

Insurance Professionals On the first day God made the sun; so the Devil countered and created sunburn. On the second day God created sex, and in response the Devil created marriage. On the third day, God made an insurance broker, and the Devil was

stumped. After much consideration, he created a second broker. -----------------------------A smart insurance company executive and an honest broker were seen walking down the street with Santa Claus. They all spotted a $50 bill laying right in the middle of the side walk Who picked it up? Santa did...a smart insurance executive and an honest broker are figments of your imagination! -----------------------------DEFINITION: un-der-writ-er n. 1 : One who lacks the personality to be an Actuary. -----------------------------Question: Why do risk managers have such clear vision and foresight? Answer: From the ivory tower, you can see forever. -----------------------------Ever notice how little aerobic exercise attorney's need? Must be from chasing all those ambulances. -----------------------------The only way to tell if a broker is lying is to check if his lips are moving. On the other hand, insurance company executives don't lie... they really just don't know what the the truth is! -----------------------------Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance. Old underwriters, on the other hand, just take less risks. -----------------------------When risk managers are right, they'll always let you know their entirely right. When wrong, RMs will only let know they're mostly right. -----------------------------Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? Answer: An offer you can't understand. -----------------------------If a risk manager, a broker and an underwriter were all drowning and you could only save one of them, which would you do first? Go to lunch; or Read the paper. ------------------------------

Question: Why did God create actuaries? Answer: So that insurance forecasting can be considered an accurate science..

Toaster Manufacturing If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other singleslice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service

department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The XFiles would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster. If Coca Cola made toasters... They'd be capable of making the original, diet and new improved toast as long as you bought your bread in the inconvenient six-pack. If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.... but only the original bread that came from the manufacturer would work in it....when you needed to buy more.... you needed a different toaster.... from somebody else (but wait, new plans at Apple indicate that you will be able to by that different toaster from them ... but of course it won't use the same bread as the original. And as a matter of fact.. won't operate anything like the old one... but they say that's good!!!)

There's Nobody Home The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.

Management Rhetoric ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour. ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: Somebody in operations claims that we have finally written our first piece of software that doesn't freeze up the computer. When we find out what the program actually does, we will be ahead of Microsoft on 2 counts! PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but that's because the boss dated the editor-in-chief. IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. SELF-MOTIVATED:

Management won't answer questions (hell, we are not really sure if they would understand the question) WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE: ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We are frankly not sure if this refers to the fact that we have a lot of turnover, or to the parking lot at quitting time. EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Overweight guys in gray suits will bore you with tales how it used to be.... between the meetings run by the outside "facilitators" (who were formerly known as consultants until their knowledge became completely outdated). JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes...provided by those facilitator types. FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: We have some of the most clueless executives around. Watching them attack a simple problem will have you laughing so hard that it will bring tears to your eyes. A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: Knowing the right thing to say at the right time, especially when no one has a clue of what's really going on is a skill that is required more often than not. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start. A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You'll be sitting in the first desk in the open area next to the elevator. FLEXIBLE HOURS: You get to chose which 72 hours a week you work, and we will pay you for the last 40. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. We will keep to this approach until we find out which activities actually are related to positive outcomes! WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control. COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or world history.. then we're not really sure if you are qualified to do a job a six grader can master in 20 minutes. Besides with the proper education, you will certainly be smart enough not to ask questions that your immediate boss can't answer, and his boss doesn't even understand. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect, because the overweight gentleman with the management title hasn't got a clue of what needs to be done. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what is needed, do it, and explain to them why what you have done, is really what they asked for. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brown-nosers.

Multiple Job Openings For Web Designers Available Immediately Thirty-nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and production house. Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill. The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for over 20 years. During those years, each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort. We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work. This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and creativity, has helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates. Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place. In fact all of our employees have recently been promoted. We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, applesauce and vodka. You must supply your own Phenobarbital. Every employee is issued a large purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear. Free haircuts too. No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model. ID is required. Abduction experiences a plus. We are looking for real team players. Please send resumes to [email protected].

The Three Biggest Corporate Lies 3 Biggest Software Lies: The program's fully tested and bugfree. We're working on the documentation. Of course we can modify it. 3 Biggest Computer Room Lies: As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll

never lose any files. We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door. The new machines on order. 3 Biggest Large Company Lies: We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. People are our greatest resource. We say 'let the marketplace decide'. 3 Biggest Small Company Lies: We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. The boss is just one of the guys. Staying small is a conscious decision. 2 Biggest Marketing Lies: Immediate delivery?...No problem. We treat every customer as if they were our most important

The Oldest Profession Debate A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

The Non-Abled Workers Act WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton in Shanghai shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in

society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality." Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, nonperformance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such jobinterview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?" "As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society or, for that matter, the human race; some sort of void to fill in this great nation."

The Newest Office Lingo Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name. Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993." 404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake. Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed." Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

The Corporate Zodiac

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager." CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT: 666.

The New Employee Interview Guide Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting. If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

The Boss & I When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, he's showing initiative. When I please my boss, I'm kissing up. When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating. When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets. But regardless of all else.... The Boss is always the Boss!

The Air Force Creed According To The Other Branches United States Air Force Creed I, (insert name), swear to sign four years of my useless life away to the United States Air Force because I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take all the credit for the work done by others more dedicated than myself who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise but promise to defend our bike riding test as valid and a worthwhile form of exercise. I swear to defend the Constitution of the United States even though I believe myself above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military, and I find it amusing to annoy all other branches. I will live a better quality of life than all those around me and will at times be sure to let them know of it. After completion of my << snicker >> Basic Training, I will be a trained donut eating, lazy boy sitting, civilian wearing blue clothes, a chair-born ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make a constant effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and I will look good), annoy those around me, and go home early daily. I consent to not ever getting promoted and understand that all those who I made fun of will someday out rank me So help me God.

Spindler Calls In Air Strike, Destroys Apple To Save It OFFICE MEMO Date:1/18/96 Stock Price Increases 50% "We'll do it better," Says Microsoft CUPERTINO, Calif. ------- JANUARY 18, 1996 -----The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed. It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history. Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters. Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.

Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude." A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful. Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson. The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors. Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court. Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant." In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that

we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999. Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies. Notice to All Employees On Timesheets It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you. The Management Attached: Extended Job Code List Code Explanation 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5511 Feeling Horny 5600 Bitching About Lousy Job 5601 Bitching About Low Pay 5602 Bitching About Long Hours 5603 Bitching About Coworker (see codes &5322, &5323)

5604 Bitching About Boss 5605 Bitching About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding...) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see code &6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use

Resumes That Didn't Work *Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International* I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. It's best for employers that I not work with people. Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job. Marital status: often. Children: various. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. Finished eighth in my class of ten. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Really Fat Jeans My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each. An Induhvidual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!"

Quotes Taken From Performance Reports Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. I would not allow this associate to breed. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a

trap. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better. This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Professional Characteristics Three brokers and three agents were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the agents bought 3 tickets and the brokers only one. Agents were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three brokers went to the nearest bathroom and all squeezed in. The conductor noticing that somebody is in the bathroom knocked on the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and brokers saved 2/3 of the ticket price. Next day agents decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket.... but brokers did not buy tickets at all. When agents saw conductor they went to the bathroom, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. The brokers took it and went to the other bathroom!. A party of insurance executives was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.' Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are. So they go down to 20 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. "Could you tell us where we are?" "You are in a balloon." So the one pilot to the other: "The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an actuary" "Then you must be insurance executive", answers the man. "That's right! How did you know?" "You have such a good view from where you are and yet you don't know where you are!" ------------------------------

Q: Why did God create actuaries? A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. -----------------------------Two risk managers meet on the street. One inquires, "How's your wife?" The other responds, "Relative to what?" -----------------------------I asked an actuary for her phone number....and she gave me an estimate. -----------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant. -----------------------------Economists have forecasted 9 out of the last 5 recessions. -----------------------------It was the underwriters that discovered that eighty percent of rules of thumb only apply 20 percent of the time" -----------------------------When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite. -----------------------------"What would actuarial science be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "accounting." -----------------------------We have 2 classes of insurance sales executives: Those who don't know . . . and those who don't know they don't know -----------------------------If all actuaries were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. -----------------------------Brokers don't answer questions because they know what the answer is. They answer because they are asked.

Professional Characteristics Why won't sharks attack brokers?....professional courtesy. -----------------------------A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read: Actuary' Brains..... $9/lb

Loss Control Brains..... $12/lb Underwriters' Brains..... $15/lb Claims Adjusters' Brains ....$33/lb Insurance Executives' Brains.... $87/lb Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My those insurance executives' brains must be something!" To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!" An economist would call that a supply side joke! -----------------------------Three leading insurance company executives took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was , remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back. But of course, they killed one each and come Sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the executives woke up, looked around and said. where the hell are we. One of the other executives answered "Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year." -----------------------------A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973" says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an insurance company national account sales executive," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you." -----------------------------A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry claims adjuster and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks: will this cure my illness? "No" said the doctor, the half year will seem much much longer. -----------------------------Three actuaries went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first actuary fired, but missed, by a foot to the left. The second actuary fired, but also missed, by a foot to the right. The third actuary didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" -----------------------------A broker, a risk manager and an safety director are traveling in the

countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the safety director, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The risk manager says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the risk manager who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the broker is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

Prison vs. Work IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK...they are called managers.

Taken from Actual Performance Evaluations "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this associate to breed." "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." "This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Job Titles and Descriptions CEO: Leaps tall buildings on a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives Policy to God Project Manager: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if sea is calm Talks to God Senior Analyst: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special permission is approved Systems Analyst: Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug of war with a switch engine Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well

Is occasionally addressed by God Programmer Analyst: Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotives Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Calls swimming "Staying Alive In The Water" Talks to animals Programmer: Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotives two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life jacket Talks to walls Project Clerk: Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building Says look at the choo-choo Wets himself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself Administrative Assistant: Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance Is a god

IF ARCHITECTS HAD TO WORK LIKE PROGRAMMERS Please design and build me a house. I am not sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them.) As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance cost as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extracost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain you decision in detail.) Please take care that the modern design practices and the latest materials are used in the construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted

however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator. To insure that you are building the correct house for my entire family, make certain that you contact each of my children and also my in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visit us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make. Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house, get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. Keep in mind, however that my wife like blue. Also do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under construction within 48 hours. While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering. I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost. Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes. You must be thrilled to be working on as interesting a project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans. PS. My wife (the boss) has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter, As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle the responsibility, I will have to find another architect. PPS. Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this the case.

How to Know You're Dating A Consultant 10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "preliminary assessment period." 9. Talks to the waiter about process flows when dinner arrives late. 8. Takes a half-day at the office on Sunday because "Sunday is your day." 7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation. 6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom at home. 5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line." 4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review. 3. Can't be trusted with the car--too accustomed to beating up rentals. 2. Valentines Day card has bullet points. 1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win."

How To Handle Stress 1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out 2. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans. 5. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat. 6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. 7. Make a list of things you have already done. 8. Dance naked in front of pets. 9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing were wrong. 10. Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives. 11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day. 12. Drive to work in reverse. 13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. 14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. 15. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. 16. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.

How To Handle A Rejection Letter [Date Today] Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me

employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your Name]

How To Be A Bank Robber PICK THE RIGHT BANK You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. STUDY YOUR HISTORY Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit... and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. DON'T ADVERTISE A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money. BE AWARE OF THE TIME Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire,

Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. BE STRONG Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

Greg's Job Application NAME: Greg B DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising. For All You Dilberts Out There (The New Management Speak) MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree." TRANSLATION: "I disagree." MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity. TRANSLATION: You have a problem. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world. TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand. TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business. TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture. TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open. TRANSLATION: &%^$ you. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I appreciate your contribution. TRANSLATION: @#%* you! MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing. TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources. TRANSLATION: You're working weekends. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor. TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold. TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer. TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive. TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project. TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats. TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work. TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal. TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake. TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift. TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added. TRANSLATION: Expensive. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources. TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Corporate America 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. 25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize.

Employer Speak Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. Self-Motivated: Management won't answer questions Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover. Some Public Relations Required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.. Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around. Career-Minded: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70. Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do. Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload: You whine, you're fired. Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

Employee Travel Cutbacks Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective

immediately, the following revised procedures apply: LODGING All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. TRANSPORTATION Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. MEALS Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club, Costco, Sam's Clubs, etc., often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other food sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation. MISCELLANEOUS All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens, and other items previously purchased as campus giveaways will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits. Enjoy your trips!

Employee Speak I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta here. I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:

Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career. Dr. Seuss As A Technical Writer Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Customers By The Balls I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g. "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

CIA Position Open A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be

considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? * Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. * Bill Clinton: I don't recall. * Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. * Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. * Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

* Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told! * Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. * Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? * Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. * L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. * Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. * Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. * Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" * Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it. * Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Best Excuses When Caught Napping In Your Cubicle 1. It's okay... I'm still billing the client. 2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 3. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that timemanagement course you sent me to. 4. I was working smarter-not harder. 5. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper. 6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 8. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance. 9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made us attend. 10.This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! 11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. 12. Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 13. The coffee machine is broken... 14. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without my hands. 15. The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Application for a White House Internship Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." --M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at [email protected] Name: Hometown: Sex: F__ Age: Measurements: (required for medical purposes) How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: ...Drunk: ...Hot: ...To lie to a federal prosecutor: Quick quiz: You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th century femininity c) obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White House Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you. * Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

Applicant Speak "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE 0RGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes. "I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom. "I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers. "I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced. "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot. "I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there. "I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college dropout. "I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away! "I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Answering Machine Messages to Try Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, please leave a mesasage but." Well here are some novel new messages for you to try. It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering... 1) Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money 2) Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. 3) "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 4) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 5) (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of

toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. 6) "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you." 7) The College Special.A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. 8) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner! 9) "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. 10) "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." 11) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

Another Management Speak Primer MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree." TRANSLATION: "I disagree." MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity. TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world. TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand. TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business. TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture. TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing. TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources. TRANSLATION: You're working weekends. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor. TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold. TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer. TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive. TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project. TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats. TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work. TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal. TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift. TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added. TRANSLATION: Expensive. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources. TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Air Force Maintenance Reports Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." A Shocking Story At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment were getting zapped constantly. The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem. He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration. A big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.I

A Religious Question A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

A Dead Horse: Reflections On Business Today Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse." 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Your Guide To Safe Fax Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. Q. My parents said they never had fax when we were young and had to

write to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures. Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind? A. Certainly not, as far as I can see. Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. I this legal? A. Yes!!! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need for fax becomes too great. Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing? A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to ensure safe faxing. Q. What happens when I incorrectly use the procedure and I fax prematurely? A. Don't panic! Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over; most people don't mind if you try again. Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to