Emotional Support Training and Exercises
Emotional Support Training and Exercises
Emotional Support Training and Exercises
When we try to help people who are in difficulties, have problems or are in a crisis situation, emotional
states are a central focal point for change. Unless there is a change in the relevant emotional state it will be
almost impossible for good ideas, new perspectives or alternative solutions to prevail, and there will
rarely be acceptance or reconciliation.
When it comes to emotions during the support process on the telephone or on the Internet, it is in many
cases not the emotions which are being addressed but a mixture of emotional thoughts and patterns of
behaviour. For example, the response to the question: "How does your situation make you feel?" may be
something like: "I feel exploited by my partner! That then makes me feel insecure."
Is being exploited a feeling? No - it is behaviour on the part of someone else. Is insecurity a feeling? No, it's
a form of cognition. But what is the person concerned actually feeling? What emotions are actually
involved in problem situations? How can I sort these out and classify them? Is it possible for feelings to be
substituted, controlled or brought into balance?
In order to answer these questions it is first important to establish a few differences in order to clarify our
terminology. As a first step I would like to differentiate between four categories of 'feeling':
1. There are feelings in the sense of kinaesthetic sensation, in other words involving our organs of sense.
I experience the sensation of touching something or notice muscular tension or a change in temperature.
Initially this is a matter of perception rather than emotions.
2. There are basic feelings in the sense of primary, purely emotional experience. These are so -called core
emotions and include fear, anger, pain and desire. These primary feelings are fundamentally emotional
without any cognitive element – there is not yet any thought involved in the condition of emotional
arousal.
3. There are states of feeling which represent a mixture of emotion and cognition. The mental state here is
firmly anchored to one of the four basic emotions. These feelings can best be described by the term
'secondary emotions', because they derive from a core emotion. Here are some examples: aggression is
fed by the basic feeling of anger and is mentally almost always aimed at a person or an object. Curiosity
includes the core emotion of desire and is cognitively focused on something. Mourning contains the
fundamental emotion of spiritual pain and is often cognitively tied to an individual or a situation. Shame
contains the basic feeling of fear and is in turn linked to a social dimension which has been learned.
4. Further emotional states can also be distinguished, but these are not secondary feelings in that they can be
coupled with more than one basic emotion. A good example of this is the word 'love'. Is love a feeling? Or
is it perhaps a basic emotion? Most people would probably say 'of course it is', and it's true that love is a
highly emotional concept, but in fact it is not an emotion, because love can be linked in a number of ways
with core forms of emotion. There is the feeling of being in love, which is linked to the emotion of desire.
There is also heartache, which is linked to pain. There is the love-hate relationship, which is connected with
anger, and finally there is jealousy, which is coupled with fear.
A further example may make this a little clearer: violence. Most of us would connect violence with anger,
aggression or hate, and often this is indeed the case. However, there is also violence which is fed by desire
– for example when people kick other people and then say they 'only' wanted to have a bit of fun, or
violence which is coupled with pain and is typical of neglect or abandonment – and finally there is
violence which derives from fear and is a kind of 'getting your retaliation in first'.
To sum up, in connection with the word 'feeling' it is possible to differentiate between four different
context areas: firstly the physical sensation, secondly the primary feeling as a core emotion, thirdly
secondary feelings which are derived from a primary feeling, and fourthly emotional states which can be
coupled with varying core emotions.
The following description of the model and the exercises focus on the core emotions and their
manifestations. This includes - as the most important criterion - the element of controllability: mastering
emotions - in practical applications we differentiate between on the one hand a balanced manifestation of
specific feeling and on the other its overplayed form (too much) or its underplayed form (too little).
In my experience the most useful and up-to-date concept for communication psychology can be found in
strategic brief psychotherapy approach based on the work of Giorgio Nardone. In advisory and coaching
1
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
processes four different basic emotions are differentiated here, on the basis of which intervention can also vary.
They include the pure states of emotional experience already mentioned above: desire, pain, anger and
fear.
Further secondary feelings and states can, as mentioned above, be assigned to these core emotions. This
table provides a few examples:
In addition these core emotions also explain our motivation for everything we do – the fact that every
involvement, project, intention or objective goes through various phases, namely those moments of
curiosity, disenchantment, perseverance and success. At the beginning of any involvement there is the
curiosity which directs our attention to something. This phase is followed by disillusionment because of
difficulties or problems which arise and – after they have been overcome – significant effort and
endurance is required in order to bring this involvement to a successful conclusion. The term 'success' can
also be replaced by the term ’self-esteem', because it describes an inner state rather than an external
evaluation.
The following diagram now combines the basic emotions with these motivational phases:
The first three linkages probably look logical: curiosity, interest in something new, involvement with
something are generated by desire or pleasure. And when in our dreams we have become fully immersed
in the subject and painted everything in wonderful
colours, this is followed by disillusionment because things
don't turn out the way we have imagined – and this hurts,
is painful or makes a sad. Looked at positively, this phase
brings our feet back down to the ground and helps us to
plan in an appropriate and realistic way. This is followed
by the endurance phase, and requires staying power. The
staying power is fed by the basic feeling of anger, because
anger generates energy and provides us with drive and
stamina. Anger creates strength and endurance, and this
strength leads us to self-confidence and success.
Crisis areas
In the case of difficulties and problems the model of core emotions in connection with motivational phases
makes it possible to grasp the nature of the problem with precision, and identify the basic feelings which
are involved for the purpose of discovering the resources for dealing with the problem which are lacking.
The reason for this is that the model enables the description of four dual crisis areas which people can find
themselves locked into. These blockages may arise from the underplaying or overplaying of an emotional
phase, as displayed schematically in the following diagram:
2
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
- full of shame + over-confident
- shy + self-righteous
Self-confidence
Fear
- without interest
- without drive
Endurance Anger Core emotions Desire Curiosity + hyperactive
+ looking for kicks
Pain
Disillusionment
- give up
- weaken
+ perfectionist
+ persevere
- avoid + moan
- deny +complain
+
Let's begin to look at these concepts in more detail once more, comcompl
starting with curiosity: people who
overplay their curiosity and accordingly their desire, avoid phasesaincompla
of disillusionment and therefore run
in
the risk of dependencies which they hope will continuously lead to new and intensified pleasure. A group
of people who fall into this definition are those who always need a special kick or thrill in order to
experience pleasure. They have a strong tendency towards the extremes of physical or sensual experience.
Such people are often highly creative and full of ideas, and express their tendencies in the form of
extremes. In some cases this can quickly lead to dependency: many addictions such as addiction to new
experiences, gambling, shopping, food, sex or drugs are often an expression of excessive desire.
In contrast, a deficiency in curiosity is often manifested by boredom, lack of interest and apathy. There is
hardly any trace of desire or pleasure, which have been dissociated or give the impression of having been
suppressed. Habits and routines are much more important than curiosity or interest in things.
If overplayed, disillusionment has the effect of making the suffering chronic, which becomes noticeable in
the form of constant moaning and complaining, expressing doubts and hesitations, whingeing and
whining. The pain and frustration almost give the impression that they are being enjoyed, because of a
reluctance to let go of them, to process them. The habit of persevering in pain is like standing in a swamp,
and it is always the swamp which is guilty of our perseverance!
In the underplayed variant of pain there is no disillusionment. People of this type don't experience phases
of disillusionment: they don't want problems, they want solutions. When they have painful experiences
they either grit their teeth (anger) or make a joke (pleasure), because they worry too much that pain is a
sign of vulnerability. While those who overplay their emotions lick their wounds, those who underplay
them believe that they can ignore these burdens – a kind of pain-avoidance trance which prevents any
healthy and necessary processing of this phase, and as a result conceals the fact that vulnerability is
natural.
People who underplay anger are often not able to cope with stress. They have little energy, their batteries
quickly need recharging and they fear the excessive strain involved. Activities, projects or initiatives are
discontinued before completion, or are only pursued in a listless way. It appears that somehow we have
failed again – too bad! Avoiding conflicts and a reluctance to enter into confrontation are often symptoms
of the problem.
3
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
In overplayed anger the image of the treadmill is also relevant. People who fight and have staying power
can display lots of energy, but they are unable to relax. Their internal focus is often characterised by a
tendency towards perfectionism – doggedness or never-ending commitment, in which the ultimate
purpose is increasingly lost sight of. Overplayed anger which is directed outwards always manifests itself
in conflict with someone or something. There is an excess of energy which is directed towards others and
contains a high level of conflict potential. Such people often work against others rather than with them.
Success and self-confidence are often underplayed by people by who say that they 'unfortunately' did not
play a part in it. The success was then due to the team, the sponsor, the boss, the girlfriend or the husband,
without whom the whole venture would surely have failed. Taking centre stage for such people is
embarrassing and is avoided. Applause makes them feel self-conscious and is rejected. As a result, in this
case, too, there is no relaxation, satisfaction and recharging of the batteries which are so essential. In
order to get away from our shame we immediately take refuge in the next interesting task, and so flee from
the dreaded self-worth, which is usually confused with arrogance or egotism.
And this brings us to those people who overplay success and accordingly their self-confidence. Without any
fear, shame or embarrassment they make a public show of their own mediocrity or present their incompetence
as prize-winning expertise. Criticism is fully ignored and blocked out with the help of the ego. Self-doubt and
shame are not concepts which are part of their vocabulary.
The crisis areas described here indicate that it is far from being the case that human crises or problem
situations always arise from disillusionment, frustration or disappointment. They can be anchored in an
entirely different area, and this in turn depends on our capabilities of managing or dealing with the
related core emotions. Conversely, lack of emotional competence as a resource or emotional insecurity or
imbalance can be the cause of regularly recurring crises and blockages.
I would now like to refer to a possible objection which is often mentioned at this stage: "But you can't say
that problems are only dependent on a single emotion or coupled with a single feeling. Often a lot of
different feelings are involved, something like a chaos of emotions". This objection is fully justified, but
experience teaches us that there is a kind of 'hierarchy of emotions', in the sense that we can ask
ourselves: what feeling is most heavily involved in the situational blockade? What basic emotion requires
the most attention here? How is the molecule of feeling linked with others and how can it be changed in its
'aggregate state'?
In the case of feelings, how can I intervene by active listening? The aim of intervention is to break down
the overplaying or underplaying of emotions, and to enable the learning process to take place beyond the
emotional blockade:
Desire can't be combated with fear - even though people often try to do this in everyday practice and in
education. Taking away a child's pleasure in sweets by threatening that it will lead to caries and the
dentist's chair will only be effective in very rare cases. The health warnings on cigarette packets or
motorway photos showing car crashes don't really deter smokers or speeding drivers, or if they do it will
only be for a short while. It's a familiar experience that we come across the scene of a crash on the
motorway. Our muscles and nerves are affected by the sight, and after the scene of the crash we continue
to drive slowly and with care – until we look at the time and realise that we're late for an appointment and
notice that there's much less traffic on the motorway anyway, and so we slowly begin to accelerate again...
once more deriving pleasure from driving fast!
Desire normally doesn't require intervention, because it enriches our lives. However, it can also lead to
addiction, dependency and excess (distorted pleasure) and can only be controlled with difficulty. In such
cases pleasure, too, may require treatment. Pleasure can either be replaced by a different kind of pleasure
or by aversion – in other words reverting to the opposite. Here too smokers have to serve as an example, if
they smoke for the pleasure they derive from it. Smokers who find after they have given up that they have
regained their sense of smell and taste, and can climb stairs without gasping for air, will find it easier to
transfer their lost pleasure to cooking, experiencing nature or sport, and thus generate lasting pleasure of
a different kind.
Smokers who have converted their habit into aversion are those who react with the greatest intolerance
to other smokers, and begin to feel sick at the slightest scent of stale smoke in clothing or a room.
A third intervention for the purpose of removing the attraction from pleasure is based on the principle of
4
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
control. In the case of this intervention it could be a matter of treating oneself to a previously planned (e.g.
on the basis of fixed times) and accordingly controlled pleasure, in order to realise then that you could in
fact do without it. For example: "Today at 5:30 when I have finished my work I'll get that chocolate bar out
of the drawer."
Feeling emotional pain has many facets, which are connected with suffering, mourning or loss. Pain
requires empathy and acceptance, appreciation and perception if it is to dissipate. Pain must not be
dissociated or replaced by pleasure. In the long-term both end in bitterness. Figuratively speaking pain is
like a river which we have to wade through in order to resume our progress on the other side. When it
comes to dealing with pain it is helpful if people have a fixed place for their pain and fixed times at which
to mourn. This gives the pain a framework in which it receives its due attention, so that it can gradually be
transformed. This is the point of mourning groups, of places of sorrow, of times for sorrow. A place for
quiet reflection, expressing sorrow in writing or spiritual rituals can provide moments of empathy for
pain. Counselling by email, telephone or chat can achieve great deal in relieving emotional pain.
Anger should neither be bottled up nor suppressed. If an attempt is made to do this in the long-term, it will
explode or manifest itself subliminally. 'Fermented rage' is often pointed to as negative, but giving free
rein to rage is not a solution either. This leads to escalation and negates any possibility of interaction. The
intervention method for anger is to channel it. Anger requires a controlled flow, a channel in which it can
run off in a targeted but injury-free manner. Practical intervention strategies for anger are making a written
record of it, releasing anger in the form of sport and exercise, the visualisation of anger in (internal) films,
scenarios or artistic work, and the channelling of anger into pleasure, as takes place in humour, irony or
satire. Someone who is venting his anger on the telephone could be invited to rage for a period of five
minutes first without interruption, before beginning to talk to him afterwards.
In the case of fear there are three types of intervention. One of these is dissociation, i.e. diverting or
separating the sufferer from the fear. Diverting the person is implemented by focusing the attention on
something different. Hypnotherapy has developed a number of methods for this purpose. Visual and
physical dissociation (i.e. the separation of visual imagination and physical feeling) is also frequently used
in NLP. The aim of both processes is to ensure that fear as such is no longer perceived, and other emotions
can be allowed to enter the situation. Attention is displaced to something different, enabling the fear to be
overcome at the decisive moment.
Alternatively intervention can also take the form of imposing a greater fear on the existing fear. This
intervention puts the perception of fear into proportion, thus making it manageable or blocking it. As an
example, a student's fear of examinations is eclipsed by the fear of unemployment and social decline to
such an extent that compared to this fate, examinations come to be regarded as a lesser evil.
As a third option it is possible to 'add fuel to the fire in order to extinguish it'. In a kind of everyday ritual for
a restricted period the fear is deliberately and voluntarily exaggerated. The 'worst case' technique makes
it possible to come into contact with the fear which, paradoxically, makes it disappear, because as is well
known, 'Spirits flee when you touch them'!
For practical operations these four basic emotions can be used to derive a kind of 'ABC of the feelings'. An
outline of these appears below.
Curiosity
5
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
Disillusionment
Endurance
Self-confidence
Literature:
R. Milanese: P. Mordazzi: Strategic coaching. Transforming limits (ebook)
K. Grochowiak: K Diekhoff: Der Neugier--‐Erfolgs--‐Loop, Junfermann Verlag
S. Schumacher: Emotionale Balance und Selbstwirksamkeit: Das EmoBal-Model DAJEB
Informationsrundschreiben 228/2013
6
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
1. An example from practical experience for discussion:
Here is an example from chat counselling: the client being counselled expresses a high level of
hopelessness and the inability to find any meaning in his life.
An initial exploratory question: "Do you feel this hopelessness because you regard yourself as
trapped in your pain and disappointment with life, or because you can no longer manage to discover
any happiness, enjoyment or excitement?"
The client answered: "The way I live, where can I discover something exciting?"
Later exploratory question: "Do you no longer find any enjoyment in life because you are afraid of
disappointment, or because you no longer feel any vitality and energy (anger)?"
The client answered: "Yes, I normally feel disappointment, because everything always ends in
failure."
And one more question: "So you're protecting yourself against a new disappointment. Is this
protective attitude necessary because you're afraid of another failure, or because it really hurts when
the disappointment arrives?"
Client: "For years I've had the feeling that I've been holding myself back, yes – I believe because of
fear of being disappointed once more."
Working hypothesis: this seems to be a fear of experiencing pain and hurt which prevents any
enjoyment of life. Anger is not a factor here. However, what the client feels constantly is pain. He is
weary of it, but it's there all the time. With regard to cause, it's not a matter of avoiding pain but
avoiding fear. The client will only be capable of new experiences and reassessments after he learns to
deal with his fear. For this purpose he needs to be capable of anger as a generator of energy.
Intervention is required to reduce the fear, and capacity for anger has to be encouraged.
Background to the counselling: after separation from his domestic partner as a consequence of the fact that
hs business had become insolvent, a caller describes his feelings of hopelessness and inability to give his own
life any further meaning.
Counsellor: "Do you feel this hopelessness because you feel you are trapped in your pain and
disappointment with life, or because you can no longer succeed in discovering happiness, enjoyment
or excitement?
Caller: "The way I live now, where can I discover something exciting?"
Counsellor: "Do you no longer find any enjoyment in life because you are afraid of disappointment, or
because you no longer feel any vitality and energy (anger)?"
Caller: "Yes, I'm mostly disappointed, because everything always seems to end in failure, or at least
that's what I fear."
Counsellor: "You are therefore protecting yourself against a new disappointment. Is this protection
necessary because you feel fear of failing again, or because it is so painful when the disappointment
arrives?"
Caller: "Ever since the separation I've had the feeling of holding myself back – yes, I believe it's
because of fear of being disappointed once more."
(Commentary: up to this point the councillor has explored the involvement of the basic emotions of anger,
fear, pain and desire, together with their interrelationships. In the following sequence she concentrates
more on the caller's state of mind and tests for the presence of possible suicidal feelings)
7
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
Counsellor: "Where in your life do you experienced this feeling of being held back in particular?"
Caller: "In many areas in fact – I can't find new work, it's difficult for me to be among people, I can't really
summon up the energy to tackle anything anymore – I simply don't have the strength which empowered
me in the past."
Counsellor: "I find it very impressive that you have found the strength to pick up the phone and contact
us."
Caller: "Yes, but I also hesitated for a long time".
Counsellor: "And have you ever thought of simply putting an end to your life, in order to get away from the
entire mess?"
Caller: "Well, that's the very problem – the idea has gone through my mind a number of times, especially
when I feel really down. This makes me feel afraid".
Counsellor: "And do you only hear this voice, or is there also another voice which says "You mustn't do
that" or "There must be a different way of solving your problems" – something like that?
Caller: "I don't know – not really. Sometimes I have this little dream in which I imagine how wonderful
everything could be after all. But that's soon driven away by doubts, and all I feel is depression and
inertia".
Counsellor: "Which of these two sides made the decision to call here then?"
(Commentary: the councillor is now actively entering into the conversational relationship and activating
resources on the side of life)
Caller: "The part of me that dreams, of course – although I don't have a clear idea in my head at the
moment, only this chaos".
Counsellor: "Don't worry about the chaos, that's why we're talking to each other. But I'm really impressed
that the side of you which dreams of life is reaching out for help. What does this side require in order to
feel strengthened?"
Caller: "Above all it mustn't feel alone".
Counsellor: "If the side of you which dreams of life is in company, is it then less fearful? Or does it have a
greater feeling of strength?"
Caller: "I believe it feels stronger then or maybe more courageous, and not so helpless and weak".
Counsellor: "Can you think of situations in your life in which you felt strong and courageous?"
Caller: (after a long pause) "I've just remembered the day when I was learning to ride on a skateboard for
the first time. I was about 11 years old, and I finally plucked up the courage to ride into one of those tubes.
I felt really proud of myself that I had plucked up the nerve".
....
This example shows on the one hand that the councellor hardly touches on the factual background – in
other words avoiding questions about the caller's domestic partner, as unemployment etc. Within the
dialogue she stays at the level of emotional experience and the caller's state of mind. In the process it is
obvious that the client can perceive his problems at all cognitive levels, but it is particular the composition
of his emotions which is leading him towards a suicidal crisis. He seems to have a fear of further painful
developments, which prevents any experience of pleasure. Experiencing anger is not an element which
forms part of his everyday life. This is why his life is empty of the kind of drive and activity which is
generated by anger. On the other hand, the client is constantly accompanied by his pain. He is weary of
this pain, but it is anchored within him and it is destroying him. With regard to the cause, it's not a
question of suppressing pain, but of fear and avoidance. The client will only be capable of new experiences
and reassessments after he learns to deal with his fear. For this purpose he needs to be capable of anger as
a generator of energy. Intervention is required in the region of fear, and capacity for anger has to be
encouraged. Of course this is not possible within the context of counselling using media such as the
telephone, but represents the recommendation or the emotional objective which the person looking for
advice and help needs to achieve.
The councillor skilfully develops the ambivalence in the caller's feelings, which consists of the suicidal side
on the one hand and the dreamer on the other. By putting the emphasis on the dreamer and at the same
time by means of the social contact provided by the crisis hotline, the caller (with the memory of the
8
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
skateboard) is returned for a moment to the core feeling of pleasure – in the sense of longing for a strong
sense of being alive. This pushes his fear into the background and he discovers the resource of anger in the
form of courage and energy.
9
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
The Curiosity-Success-Circle
What will you achieve with this exercise?
The exercise puts new energy, power and motivation in a project or goal that you actually run or that you
plan to run. The circle trains you to experience the existence of four main emotional states that will
challenge you during a project. They are: curiosity – disillusionment – persistence – success. The fact that
you go through a circle-process trains you to avoid stuck‐states during a project phase and gives you trust
to carry out the project goals. At the same time you will get emotional access to the importance of each
core emotion and it’s positive intention for motivation and resilience.
The exercise needs 20 minutes to instruct the projects, 10 Minutes for the exercise itself and depending of
the size of the group 20-30 minutes for exchange.
Reflection
The trainees should have made the experience that the change to the different emotional states went more
easily with every new circle. They should feel more motivation to succeed in the project. They should be
aware to identify their possible stuck state and basic emotion that could be responsible for demotivation.
2. Trance induction
Place yourself in the room and put 4 cards around you in a circle with the 4 positions of the CSC. Decide
whether you want to turn clockwise or anti-clockwise.
- you don’t achieve your goal because always something gets in your way
‐ for a project you get a lot of applause and support but you are constantly short of money.
10
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
1. Curiosity/1
Think now about the situation which is important for you – your project, your plan or your goal, how it all
began. It is all new and exciting still. You are looking forward to how you can develop something, how it is
done, which kind of correlations exist or how you can learn or achieve something. You want to know more
about it, get closer to it and are motivated. You get this feeling which you have when you are interested in
something and want to bring it forward. It is like an adventure. The zest to do something new arises in you
and you begin to indulge more and more in this subject. Your thoughts circle constantly around everything
which is connected to this and it brings you in a state full of drive, interest and the zest to pursue it
intensely and to actually do it. You begin to feel full dedication… (turn)
2. Disillusion/1
… but while you get yourself fully involved you realize that it´s all not as easy as you thought. Your
idealism and positive ideas are blocked by difficulties arising or failures you go through. It doesn’t run as
smooth and easy as you originally pictured it. The going gets tougher, slows down or it becomes more
unclear or more complicated. You realize that you want achieve your goal as quickly and easily as you had
wished. At this point you are perhaps endangered to give up and, like many before you, to end the project
or to let it run just sullenly. On the other hand, people with an experienced strategy for motivation know
that this phase simply is a part of it; yes, it is disillusioning, but at the same time it has an important
meaning. In this phase they think: do I carry on or do I stop? Is this theme important, do I want to invest in
it further, does it really bring me closer to my vision? And when you answer this question with Yes, you
can enter into the next phase calmly and relaxed: (turn)
3. Perseverance/1
into that of perseverance where you develop strength for staying power. Because you can rely on your
ability to cope with phases of disillusion which have the benefit to test your goal and to adapt to the
situation. And you will discover that you possess the energy and the ability in yourself to carry on with
your project and to finish it with a good result. You can go further on your way step by step calmly and
relaxed full of power and energy, and with the awareness that you will reach your desired result with
patience and endurance. In doing that you don’t have to be fast because here its all not about speed but
about endurance and staying power. And eventually you can experience and enjoy … (turn)
4. Success/1
… your success! All your efforts, your commitment and the energy which you put into your project, they all
flow into your goal now . It is your success which now you may experience and enjoy, which gives you
peace and balance and which you have earned well after all you invested with your person and your
abilities. Even when its hard at times: you are allowed to feel proud in yourself and in your success,
because you showed commitment and a lot of dedication to come to this point. And: you may grant
yourself a creative break, to calm down and to look back on everything you have come through and which
helped to reach your goal and to get closer to your vision. (turn)
1. Curiosity/2
And after you have enjoyed and celebrated your success extensively, you realize that curiosity awakens in
you again. And who doesn’t know that feeling, that suddenly and spontaneously something happens which
is fascinating. And you want to know more about it: perhaps you direct your curiosity towards a new
aspect of this theme or you develop ideas for something very different. All your strength and motivation
strive to deepen your life, to bring yourself forward and you ask yourself: what more can I learn from this
here? And to the same extent that I engage myself anew and intensively with the new subject, new
difficulties arise… (turn)
11
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
2. Disillusion/2
…and I see myself confronted with problems which I had not foreseen. I realize how my initial motivation
dwindles and certain doubts appear. But I know already from experience: this phase is meaningful. I can
test my motives, include important corrections or changes and decide anew. This grounds me and makes
my next steps more realistic and clearer. And when I have passed through this phase, my decisiveness will
grant me new motivation, namely for… (turn)
3. Perseverance/2
…endurance and staying power. I can be sure, out of experience, that I possess these abilities and however
long it may take me, these forces will carry me on so that I can go my way further calmly and at ease. Not
everything I do here needs to be perfect, but I can muster the patience and endurance so that things
develop step by step and ripen. I simply carry on in the awareness that sooner or later I will reach my
goal and therefore also my well earned … (turn)
4. Success/2
…success! This now is another success and surely not my last. And in looking back I realize how a circle is
beginning to close, a circle which carries me further in my efforts to learn something new, to develop
things and to bring them to a result in spite of difficulties and vulnerabilities. The success grants me well
earned relaxation and gives all reason for joy. More and more I can trust that my abilities, rightly applied,
will always bring me back to this point which enables me to enter a new phase. Because this point of
success opens new perspectives for me … (turn)
1. Curiosity/3
…which again create curiosity and motivation. And what new and interesting I discover now goes far
beyond what I maybe thought to be possible in the beginning. And I am already used to know that, when
moving towards something new and unknown with all my attention and engagement, a phase comes in
which I have to consider events … (turn)
2. Disillusion/3
…which I could not foresee. Now I know that this phase is important to ponder, to adjust, to get in tune
with the circumstances, to take the necessary decision: YES, NO, or DIFFERENTLY, and, when I have
decided, to experience that after a short while new energy,… (turn)
3. Perseverance/3
… endurance and staying power appear which bring me forward with calmness and inner assurance… in
my way, to my style, in my rhythm and at my pace. Neither morosity nor a weak will can endanger me now
because I feel carried by the assurance that all this will lead me forward to yet another… (turn)
4. Success/3
…success! A reason to celebrate, for joy and contentment which allow me to relax, to integrate the
experiences and to be aware of calmness and recuperation. And just by itself after a while the question
will appear: whereupon may my attention and curiosity focus next? … (Re-orientation in the room)
12
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
Core Emotions
Reflection
Use the example “love” and “violence” as examples that can be connected with all four core emotions.
It is important to distinguish feelings in the meaning of kinesthetic perception (temperature, grope,
tension, tone…) and emotional experience.
Distinguish also emotions and emotional states or physical states. States have a mixture of emotions and
mental influences. Example: “I feel myself hopefulness” is more than an emotion. It covers also a believe!
13
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
Find and sort emotions
14
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
Case management
What will you achieve with this exercise?
The trainees learn to focus on the core emotions of a difficult call. Answering the questions they reflect the
effect of the presented emotion and the impact on oneself during listening. Possible reactions that help to
master the emotions will be developed during the exchange.
Reflection
It’s important that the trainees understand that core emotions can be communicated in different ways:
‐ Is the emotion appropriate related to the case (primary emotion) or is it much stronger and includes the
energy of other things?
‐ Stays the emotion under the control of the caller or does it overwhelm the call?
‐ Is the emotion fitting to the case or is it replaced by another emotion?
- Do I feel a strong emotion coming up during the call that relates to the case?
Sex desire 1
A man calls frequently and starts without much introductory words: “I will fuck you in your ass!”
What is the core emotion that he tries to evoke with his call?
Which core emotion does he fail to have more respect and empathy for the listener? How can we make him
Sex desire 2
A man calls and tells it’s story having a walk through a nice wood during a warm summer evening and
entering a moor. He wants to take off his cloths and asks how it would feel in there. His language is very
hypnotic and romantic.
How would you feel if you would more and more listen to him? What is his core emotion that runs the story?
How can we stop this emotional state to make him hang up?
Complaining
A woman calls and complains about her loneliness, that you cannot trust anybody and that all people are
false and disappointingly. She has many more examples and gets from one detail to the other.
How do you react useful that you can probably get in contact with her? How can you make her more
complaining?
15
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
Mourning
A woman calls telling that she cannot overcome her division from her husband. She always has suddenly
moments where she cannot control herself – in the bus during work, during shopping suddenly she begins
to cry. As more she tries to suppress it as more and suddenly it appears.
What is the need of the woman and what should she take care on? How can you match her needs?
Fury
A person calls and is very angry. He is talking very aggressive and is shouting out loud. As more you tray to
get him quiet he is getting more fury. After 15 Minutes he hangs up.
What was the core emotion of the caller’s voice? How do you feel after a call like this?
What can you do to make you feel better again if you are exhausted?
Fury 2
A persons calling complaining that she cannot control aggression against her boss. During the day a lot of
anger dams up and mostly she is unable to let it go. Many times at night she is obsessed with her angry
thoughts.
What is the core emotion that carries the woman’s thoughts? What is the need of this kind of emotions?
Fear
Someone calls and tells that she is so afraid about the examination coming next month. Many times at
night she is awake and gets not out of her anxiety. She sees all the sceneries with catastrophic outcome.
What could worsen her emotional state because of your kind to listen to her?
Fear 2
Someone calls with panic attacks that had no concrete reason. The panic comes suddenly and without any
announcement. He is unable to move or to act.
What is your first reaction/ sentence that can help the caller?
What is a useful emotional state for you to stay in a good contact with this person?
16
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
Feel the change of the intensity of Emotions
Think about an emotional experience of the last days. It should be an intensive moment but no negative
memory or extreme difficulty. More something nice, interesting or amazing.
Now remember this situation and see a short movie about this scene. How does it look like?
After watching the memory make a snapshot and observe in which position you did remember the
memory (associated in your origin position or dissociated that you can see yourself on the picture).
Then construct the other possibility to remember the same situation and find out, in which position you
can feel.
Reflection
The trainees should understand that both possibilities to memorize should be available and that people
usually are used to represent one more automatically. Dissociated people often have difficulties to
describe their emotions and their voices sound less involved and engaged. Dissociated people often have
resistance because they don’t want to change. Associated people often show resistance that they don’t feel
able to change.
Associated
Dissociated
You are your external observer and watch yourself
17
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015
The little multiplication table of emotions
without the
emotion you joyless lack of relation lack of activity unemotional
become...
the deformity of
the emotion is... boredom frustration dependency embarrassment
18
Project QuaLiS: Best practice in Qualifying Listening Skills to promote Emotional Health, 2013-2015