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 CHRIST, THESE.

COMMERCIALS,
COMMERCIALS /
ALL I GET Is
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sco Wain WHATSIS NOW> .

Boy! TNISS) REALLY
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 IT WAS NUTHIN'... A
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 RANCHO WHEN
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 opY CALL TH! sHER
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 eRe WEIRDO PRESENTS A TINY FRACTION OF THE WORK OF A TRUE MAD GENIUS, STANISLAV SZUKALSHIf
ONLY ONE OF HIS MANY ILLUSTRATED THEORIES ON MAN, THE ORIGINS oF THE-UNTII ,
THTS WORK REPRESENTS
ANDSOON. VET TOBE PUBLISHED: THIRTY-NINE VOLUMES ? CHECK
ON HIS SCIENCE OF ZERMATISM IT OUT
 THE ANTHROPOLITICAL MOTIVATIONS

Being a professional man in numerous fields of intellectual

activities, I have evolved a different attitude towards them
than the layman, who keeps on repeating the same
phrascology and terminology, thus sustaining the same.
common attitude. Frankly, 1am talented in many fields
becuuse my interests are numerous, so that I understand to a
higher degree how they are interrelated,
Thus, when | say
about myself that Iam a genius, it is not self-prais., but a
statement to describe a type of mind that: whatever it does in
any field, jt does well, A mind that peruses in many fields
will comprehend better, and many things more, than one
that is absorbed in only one, It becomes a universal mind
Since man recently suffered two global calamities in, as in
my case, w single lifetime, I have been dwelling on causes that
might have brought these to their culmination. Naturally 1
have tead the opinions of statesmen and contemporary. his-
torians blaming the munition manufaciurers, the bankers,
the imperialists (always of other nations, never their own) for
the two World Wars, but as usual, was not satisfied with their
answers. Of course 1aman egocentric, otherwise Iwould have
remained a non-creative consumer of other people's think-
ing. But since 1 belong to the group of self-igniting individ-
ualists who nevet doubt their wisdom, it was but natural for
me to personally approach the all-absorbing dilemma of
What Causes Wars and their ever increasing deaths (in the
last World War almost 50,000,000 died on both sides of the
conflict)

125 For one, humans are mammilians. They are born in the
120 same way as many animals and have the same means of
procreation, Many a trait is animal-like and even dispositions
are very often similar. A gorilla, though it is the kargest of the
apes and terrifyingly powerful so that it needs no pretending
catensions of its ferocity, has an ever ready growl on its face
and a permanent frown, so to frighten all smaller creatures
This reveals intrinsic cowardice, So, many governments, when
frightened by the military superiority of a prospective victim
nation, abuse that nation with the foulest invectives, because
basically they are cowards. Their bluff and their threuts are
symptomatic of their frantic FEAR. However, when they feel
they are capable of destroying the other, they make special
effort to show friendliness, so to attack unexpectedly.
Bur |
have drawn four gorillas for you, which may seem overdone
evidence that I wish to present, Not so! Though gorillas are
native to West Aftica, specifically the Kivu Highlands in
Nigeria, there are several strains of them, each with various
dispositions. Note the different design of the nostrils of the
following anthropoids. Note that the first one has a split
nose, which superficial cleavage continues on the upperlip
Syphilis, which was originally an animal disease, caused the
cleavage of the roof of the mouth and the harelip, together
with a large space beween the upper teeth. Eventually these
anthropoids became to a great extent immune to syphilis,
and the cleavage became characteristic of the class.
121 Note that the second drawing shows a gorilla with an
unsplit nose
The third gorilla has nostrils that lay flatly wrinkled on
122 the muzzle and there is no split across the nose. Its mass
of hair begins immediately above the massive brows
This gorilla's portrait, however, shows more humanoid
123 traits, already indicating inter-species bastardy. The
nose, though almost caricarure-like, could be that of Leo
Tolstoy or Maxim Gorki. The expression is almost human,
but for the brooding hatred in the eyes. The mouth is com:
pletely human. The neck, like on the others, is of course
totally. missing. Here you have an ancestor, the sire of our
future empire-amassers,
Due to our ignorance of our bastardly past, our inbred
124 ing with the apes, we carry the Burden of History, which
actually is the struggle berween Humans and a-Humans, The
a-Humans, however. because they are born in our own coun!
tries and communicate in our languages, are not recognized
and are taken to be Poles in Pokind, Englishmen in England
Russians in Russia
The gigantic abdomen that gorillas have
to keep on fillingallday long was inherited by their bastardly
descendants, which physical trait was sublimated into avarice
for everything in sight
15 Despite Darwin's assurance that the two species of spe
and human do not produce offypring, I will show you
some examples to the contrary, In an old medical book |
found this photograph of an oddly proportioned dwarf. His
arms were so short that they barely reached to his pelvic bone
at the base of his long torso. Therefore, he could not walk
upright, because our arms have to counrer-swing with the
opposite legs in order to keep our balance while walking
When I first came to the U.S.A. living with my parents in
Chicago, | would always see the white horse of the cart that
delivered goods to a bakery store, stand with its forelegs on
the sidewalk, I soon solved the riddle, When it was trotting in
the streets, I saw that its forelegs were much shorter than the
hind ones, so that these would have to carry a greater share
of the body weight than if they had been much longer
Thus, this little man who inherited the human, short arms
doubly exaggerated, discovered that if he held wooden blocks
in his hands, he would make his arms longer and shift some
of his weight onto his legs so his arms would get tired less
quickly, On the side I made the face of this pscudo-Human in
greater detail, that you may recognize the similarity to dozens
of famous politicians who always serve some Ideology that, on
succeeding, will metamorphose into another Tyranny
This drawing of amost renowned fresco illustrates a Pan
128 dressed in the skin of a slain stag, s0 as to get dose
cough to the doe unnoticed, for the purpose of raping her
\striking oddity of this presentation 1s the tail. The spinal
column of animals continues naturally below the sump as the
cote of the tail. Here, however, the tail is set at a wrong angle
beginning more towards the thighs of the creature. This is
due to a lever contrivance, ‘The Pan has pushed the base of
the dried tail into his rectum to hide his anthropoid sex
While a man’s genitals are projecting from his lower abdo-
men, therefore in front of him, you may recall from_your uate.
latest visit o the zoo that the genitals of the ape are placed Re.
further back, so that in the ape’s slight stoop they show in the
eat, as in this drawing. Thus, we definitely ktiow that this is aS):
a Pan (the Feared One) from Greek mythology
That this is
a Pan, a Manape, is further attested by the large abdomen of
the “gorger"’ the future sire of Yetinsyn empire-amassers,
and the too-short arm of human heritage
In Bohuslan, the place in Sweden whose name started
137 me on my so extensive scientific task, there is a petro-
glyph—one among hundreds—commemorating the inter-
breeding of Manapes and Humans, You sce a Neanderthal
Manape at the left, who knows how to make bows and arrows,
yet still has the tail of the anthropoid, standing guard over a
female who was made pregnant by a “giant penis", No
doubt, eventually one of the descendants of this bastard
became a communist agent or executioner, as all those with
the undercut noses tend to be
14g The Exyprians had a parallel of Pan in theic own mythol
ogy. the God Bess. This name, when returned to its
original Protong “*Bez’’, means ‘Run’, i.0.w. he too, is dan-
gerous to women, Across his waist he has diagonally crossed
lines, which universally means that his species also escaped
from the deluged Motherland of the Dawn God in the Pacific:
On the other side of the world, in South America, the
139 Indian name for an ape is “Beea, which would be
“Bez (J)a"" in Protong, meaning "Run I". Thus, like the
Egyptian name Bess, it indicates the necessity to run away
when this ape is in sight, for it will rape women. The local
Indians speak of the ‘*Man of the Forest

This pottery portrait, made by the prehistoric Nayarit of

140 ancient Mexico, shows a wart-nosed Yetinsyn, a bastard
of apeoid-human mixing. His mouth is shriveled from too
many eruptions, his body being afflicted with the syphilis
brought upon his human mother. His arms, as always with pate
Yerinsyn dewendants, are the doubly exaggerated shore
human ones, His legs are inherited from his ape father,which We44 pate
heritage is further attested to by the overlong torso. shoulder
chin chin
The most recognizable characteristic of people involved houlder
143 jn. political subversion and treason, without having to
undress and measure them, 1s the upper lip. The descendants
of the Man: or Pans are the people with the long upper elbow
lips, which always go. together with the sharply angled
undercut nose, The human upper lip flows down from the
point of the nose to the lower rim of the lip. Compare the pelvic
slightly exaggerated drawings of the Yetinsyn on the left, and elbow.
b
the Humanon the right
The history of mankind up to this Spine spine
moment is the enumeration of STRUGGLES caused by the
clemental foes of mankind, the results of the rapes of human
women by Manapes who, having been born among us and
speaking our languages, aremistakenly taken for our own heels
ountrymen, But it is these hiteful, deadly and fiendishly heal
exterminacory descendants of the Yeti that, on having been
thoroughly admixed with the Humans, think up all the
ideological Isms that create subversion, treason, revolutions,
wats, and the eventual downfall of all Civilization and
Culture
One trait of apeism is the too long torso, which can be
144 seen when a person is standing up with the arms bert
My elbow overlaps the pelvic, because | am a Human. The
worker, however, I met at the gas station had an elbow-pelvic
interspaceof| foot and 2 inches(Imeasure tit)

165

1g5 Bur look at the drawing of the late King Faruk of Egypt
Being born of royal lineage and in affluence, he did not
suffer from inferiority feelings, because girls and women did
not disdain him, so he did not turn against the state and
become a revolutionary, Most radicals are exceedingly ugly
and because they can never be popular with girls and women,
they develop a hatred of mankind, starting in the formative
years of adolescence, Ie comes to that simple explanation
I have stripped King Faruk of his clothing and added the
Pan's tail that he probably had at birth, but had temoved
Look ut the pointed head of a Manape. His too-short arms do
not even come to his genitals. His too-small hands are charac-
teristic of dwarfishness. His neck bulge is still there, though it
should have disappeared in the fourth month of the foetal
state. His gargantuan gluttony indicates his heritage trom the
Egyptian Bes
 Little La Guardia, the manipulative mayorofNew York
168 who was selling locomonves to Titoof Yugoslavia, oster
Mg away the spiritual control from anticNazi, anti-
Communist Michailovich, the patriot, assisting the Commu:
pists 10 taking over thar part of Europe
Here you have the
“little flower’, as he preferred wo be called. The tiny hands
indicate the dwarfishnessofthis Great Patron of Communism
tho Hh he was an American flag waver
Two Comparative drawings for you to see Khrashehev's
113 “taild, On the fie you see a Block line whete
would have been were he not a Yetinsyn, Though heRN wasae a
Uktainian, he was a descendant of the Manape, therefore
born tobea traitor to his own people. The too-loose pants the
to wear when they came to get what
from the gullible Anglomericans, were to disguisethey thewanted
odd
angles of the always bent legs (do not, however, immediately
think of the Russian ballet dancers, who have perfectly. pro.
pottionate legs)
Then compare the
che’ (comrades): the weak, will-less qwoCastro
chummy: “rovarish
forward as a dictator by his brother Che, andwho the
was shoved
just-d ealt
with Yetinsyn. Note that the representative of the Soviet
towers overthewishy-washy intellectual ftom New York. Buts
look where their wa nes are, _Khrus
Castro's chest, the Russian isstanding onhchev' s is just: below
his lef straightened
leg while he is sitting, while Cast sitt
doubled up. The por-bellied Nikit is not ing, cheanng
has his legs
you in
order to convice you that he is taller an the “Latino”, he
simply cannot sit any other way an 10k his size, bec his
Yetinsyn torso is one-third longer than Castro's
RENDEZ-VOUS WITH DESTINY
IN THE WOODSHED
To make myself better unde
lat (soldierphaving a dare with a village
1¢ unknowingly inviting an avalanche of
history's calamities upon the truly Russian (not Moscovian)
owners of the woodshed
There wete instances ofYeti te
males bein pted as infant creatutes by villavers inno
thern Rus ia who on maturing wer mesticared enough to
wear clothes and capable of pert ning chores. Ther willing
sto distribute sexual sarisfact nm (as well as the animal
se syphilis)toany willing villige drunk. made them rather
pop abjevts far and wide. So, mat 4traveling male in:
quiting which of the nen was “'the one’ that could be had
vut preliminary intr tions, would be answered by the
crs pointing towards the village Yeta: "Eta!" (that one)
This is precisely the word that became the name forthefemale
of the domesticatedEta “people” of Japan. It is recorded that
4child was born to one of these village whores, which grev
maturity, and Russian scientists have the recordsofthese fic
Thus, going back into prehistoric times, these halfbreeds intto
fuced the bi-species that I named Yetinsyny. Whenever there
are populations prevalently wat nosed. they hatken 10 the
ceding between Man and Animal, the consequence of
which is bloody ravages to the surrounding world
Again, it is
nor lary or citiz ship that thakes aman ora communist
bur the biological classification and the Human or a-Human
predisposition. History is the float, the cork
ofthefishing line
Te behavesinmany ways, glorious of tyrannical, depending or
what type of creatures motivate it down in the depths nibbling
on the it. While it is Humankindthat created alltheChris.
tian of other systems of, hies, it i a-Human, Yetinsyn
heritage that gave us all the man-made calamities, wars, in
vasions, plagues, syphilis, Not until mankind recognizes the
directions trom where all the misfortunes come, it
nue to be the victimofthis Yetinsyn affliction, Each
8 its clemental foes, its exterminators, and so do we

When a Human kills, he is riminal and. under the

man law, has to bepunished according
tothedegree to
ation has scaled Evil, depending on its sensitivityor
s. When Charles Manson kills many people, Ameri
itivity allows him to continue his lite in prison, tha
be molested by human society. How many times
id sub-humans like him be executed? AS many times as
y have killed? Theo M nts beyond the Human Law
wed from Justice
 Do we reproach a wolf, a
hyena if it kils? De think them criminal? If a dog with
abies attacks a child ¢ do not sue in court, but si
th dec. The semi-Hum: 1swho kill-kall-kill crimi
Is, and Justice with human con:
hould be eli
minated without the processoflaw, being mic burden
man society as itis
Regardless of what was the inhuman activity of William
179. Calley, and whetherthe court found him guilty of slaying
a community of oriental Humans or not, with a facial type like
his he should never have been allowed to handle guns. Look at
hisvengeful eyes and the tucked-in split-liver mouth, He is the
same type of Yetinsyn as Trotsky, a pinch-faced Neronic. He
should have been directed towards science, crafts and ars. He
be-a benefit to society if he was a mechanic, an engineer
or a jeweler, but NEVER as an officer or a politician
ANY BAIT WILL DO
TO CATCH PIN-HEADED MANKIND
This book is too grievously miniscule to enable me to
expound the vast subjects that are all related organisms of my
new science of Zermatism. 1 fecl | do not even have the
opportunity to begin to tell you, But then, these discoveries I
made have had to remain on my shelves too long already,
unread and unheard of, because I am not one of the privileged
minorities of the Cultural Siberia of America, Southern
lifornia.
In my volume on the new science of Anthro.
political Motivations 1 illustrate how our human ancestors
were sl -witted pinheads, thinking butsilent, narrow shoul
dered, slouchingly moving creatures. A remainder of dis.
position is the almost shattering naivety of human s
which causes us to fall for any ideological “Crap™ th
dwarfish amongst us concoct
Hold on to my hand, don't be scared. ‘This is a Labor
who simply “‘loves dapeep-hole"’. He is so indig
nant of the Tyranny of the Capital that he snarls, threatening
to exterminate the capitalists. as soon as he becomes a Con
missar or Gauleiter, no matter of which idcolopical sub:
as long as it holds the prospect of vengeance on
society.
A darling-of-a-docr
188 till apprehended oisoned many of his patients
prisoned, £0 poison some more
after his release. He pr ed in England

Maria Lima of Peru. who was born covered with

188 never leamed: human specch. Either b
of Manape heritage, or the mother was
Sasquatch
Juan Corona, the Mexican tic kker who me
190 ‘over twenty other {al nets, The United States
spared hus Ii ¢, for ar cannot
he was only imprisoned, to p cet hum
you gauge the hatred behind those be
veh executioner for the German ne
made. Yet, he is not a German. not a Mexican, buta Yeti
syn on the prow! without some woxted Ideology to serve

These six pages have been excerpted from a

book entitled “TROUGHFUL OF PEARLS” on,
“BEHOLD!!! THE PROTONG' containing a rich sampling of Szukalski's various drawings and sculptures and writings, and it
even has a record of him talking! The book was published in 1980 and is available from:
GLENN BRAY P.0.B0X 4482, SYLMAR, CALIFORNIA 91342,
OLD TIMERS DEPARTMENT:

The Witch of Malleghem by Pete Brueghel

f a at id SS
Ghy liedon van egem, nu wel rc v tt genesen gecomen : Ci den mei met den ma
Ick Vrou Hexe wil hier oock wel wei oe Tawen dienfle. met myn onder mesfterffen fier iby bag a oft loteren v de
TOP COMEDY AND BOTTOM BURLESQUE
An Assortment of Cartoons About Sadomasochism
— with afew items of miscellaneous sexual perversity ———
by Bruce N. Duncan

I’M SO HAPPY To BE TAKEN CARE

OF! I’M THE CENTER OF ATTENTION!
Oo
I’M SO HAPPY To BE SUPREME!
1M THE CENTER oF ATTENTION!
Q

§
e)

SHE DoESN’T KNoW I?M GE 5

9 Oo &
9000090000, eats o
f
RECONSTRUCT THE
Living ANIMAL!

I Love THe
WAY THESE
‘Two SLAVES
CATER To ME.
I’ve REALLy
GoT iT Goon!

THESE NEW SHOES You BouGHT ME GET. ANY

UNTIED AWFULLY EASILY,
YES, THIS 1S THE ELEVENTH TIME
WHILE WE'VE BEEN OUT THIS EVENING
THAT we've HAD To SToP So You
CAN TIE THEM.

‘To THINK I USED To

Feet BAD BECAUSE I
HAVE A BIG ASS!

T Must ADMIT.
..You SuRE GET
Your Points
Across!
BABY SNIGGUMS and HER Dappy
Tris Time youG@oT
OVER THE HABIT oF
SuckING YouR
THUMB!

GAAHH LIS sitrine)

WAND Wears

oy,

My LITTLE
GIRL To BE
HONEST!

HMM! A Low iz
DADDY, I Dow’T FeeL WELL! TEMPERATURE
ie BS
‘GIVES OUT A LoT|
Do Some THING!

T’Lt READ T Feee

Yo! So covp!
TEMPERATURE. MAYBE IT?S
THE ICE CUBES
FROM YouR GLASS
OF ScolcH THAT T
HID To Suck ON.

ON ORE I MADE
Boo-Boo!
ip ‘Yowre wrong to think that women don’t ever
like unaggressive men.”

ALL DRAWINGS
©1980 BY BRUCE HW. DUNCAN

These drawings are taken from two publications :

“TOP COMEDY AND BOTTOM BURLESQUE") a book entirely
made up of cartoons by Bruce Duncan, and "TELE TIMES"
No. 22, a periodical published by Bruce Duncan. To
get these books and others, write to:
BRUCE N. DUNCAN; Berkeley Inn Hotel, Room 414;
S01 Haste Street, Berkeley, Callfornia 94704
‘The Beautiful
Today
if gals > all over Ameri ca _are discovering
f i that it’s
i real \
and “New Wave” to et the free Weido® Maneover _Read the ay MOF
women
-like yourself—who are discovering this liberating ,wacky-zany,
face-mutilating experience... the quick, no-nonsense way to joitr
America’s misfits/
66 Rist: away I felt
at home at Weirdo?
My Weirdo Face Coundl-
or sat bight down with me and we
talked—really talked (the cute creep
was an inch from my face as we talked)
about what I wanted. Then, suddenly,
he was sitting on my boobs, doing my
makeover. | didn't know what” hit
me/ His agile hands went to work
on my face as if it was somuch play-
dough... pulling, pinching, squeezing,
really working it over’ He didn't
just hand me cosmetics. He was
involved! | knewty face would
never be the same. It was truly @
mind-altering experience as every
nerve- ending on my face was stimula-
ted eea Ly,s ie Goong
e
1 ave et of there with not
eirdo Makeavey ; only a weird face, but a mutilated
fabulous.
mind as well J
No longer the ordinary, uninteresting clerk-typist from eed! algae Aew person.— the realme!
the ree being)," y- izarro-freako
weirdo living on unemployment checks (for
[ always secretly was inside,
— *rathy Smeargoa, Los Angeles, California
wanted a, new [ook because | was feeling, well, a little blah. Same old makeup. Same
~ old stupid-looking me. My Face Councilor showed me that just wasn't true’ It’s all in youn
mind. You're only as stupidlooking as you feel. We looked at all the latest modes in make and
hairdos. They had every kind you could think of. My Face Councilor started throwing stcee on,
just slapping stuff pight on the old
face..a little of this, a little of that.
We decided to try everything and see
what happened. The difference in
my looks made me feel 30 special.
And you know, the entire makeover
was free. [ loved it... the most fun
I've had in years!”
— Suzy Goosmere, Houston, Texas

“At Weirdo? found much more

than | was looking for. Oh boy,
did | ever, Man, those guys are silly
sick, sick,sick, Until my Face Councilop
went to work on me, | never realized
how much you could do with a humar Face.
Experience:
I thought for a minute they were
Senna turn my face inside out! Wow.
What a trip... for sure. | always
thought, | can't do anything with
this... this dull, expressionless puss
of mine...look at it...washed out,
colorless, bovine. Now | know that
a little poking and prodding can
transform the most depressing, blank-
slate raoon-Face into something out
of a science-fiction movie,..Wow.
You know, conventional makeovers
I’ke Merle Norman and like that can
never give such a totally unique
identity, and they cost too darn much
too. | was rolphed once and Weirdo®
has them beat by a mile too... for
sure.’—Hathy Sukpumpe, Buffalo, N.G
“ i. De
My. face was always so gosh-darn silly looking... 30 my Face Counsilor wiped that insipid, tight-assed
look right off with the Three Steps To Weirdity... He customized i€ for my particularly annoying
facial expression... and taught me how to put all the gear on and take it off..,a simple procedure once
you get the hang of it. | started using the Three Steps Sear every day, and within a month | was hang-
ing out with the kookiest, kinkiest
crowd in town. My own husband no
longer recognized me, locked so dif-
ferent. It gave me so much confidence,
A new self-image. Finding the Weirdo
Makeover was like coming out of the
dark ages for me...1 used to hide be-
hind my mask of conformity. Now,
when | walk in a room, people sit up
and take notice, My personality has
been drastically altered permanently.
I'm not hibited about sticking all
sorts of crazy things on my face to
express myself... to really
discover me,
— Carol Spunksukker
New Orleans, Louisiana

THE WEIRDO MAKEOVER Let's Do Something Strange with your face.”

mail and we'll
know theby slee,
let ussupply going here!
“ get a .thingOve
Te yourd "get off”om having us play sick gamesown trondportatifoce,
with your
We'll*git dawn"on your face! "You payyour wera on, we'll eS OT ERY
aRee tae e \dansouee Sedo tear
 PHOTOS BY
“STOMP” GANOS

&
YUMMY YuMMy!
A DOLLAR BUYS
| EXACTLY TWO
JUMBO FROSTIE
FREEZE DELIGHTS!
A BRATAND HER
DADDY's MONEY
ARE SOON PARTED!

ATTENTION SPAN.

JENNY'S MERRILY
ROLLIN’ ALONG ON
HER WAY TO THE «
MARKET... HER
DAD GAVE HER
A DOLLAR AND
INSTRUCTED TH’
TEEN-AGER TO
PURCHASE A
BOTTLE OF CLUB
SODA...

UH OH! remr- - WHATA CARE-FRE

hub wee HAPPY BRAT! NOTA
Pega Hed ' THOUGHT IN HER
peel wy CUTE LITTLE HEAD
Nyaa Vea ' AS SHE CRUISES
DOWN THE STREET!
 LOOKS LIKE
) Jenny's DEFIN- KER SPLAT!
TRAFF!
ITELY RIDIN’ FoR
A FALL! HEADS
UP, GIRLS! -
DED BUMPERS!
THE SPOILED
Kip GETS HER Just
DESSERTS-A FROST-
IE FREEZE FACIAL!
JUST THE THING FoR
A CREAMY COMPLEXION!

SHES SCREAMING

MAINLY BECAUSE
SHE CAN MAKE HER.
REAREND HARD AS
AROCK! OW,
 YoU

H(GH TIMES
UHH, sHoULD 1 CAL
“RY JROBERT! “BOR”
oR WHAT? WHAT DO
PEOPLE USUALLY CALL
You?

INTERVIEWS

RERUMP By Re Crumb
©igTI by R. Crumb au rights Reserved

AAH Ha HA.. 90B, You'Re KNOWN

A RECLUSIVE KIND OF A
AS
ALRITE 7 DUDE...SOME ONE WHO OWE THE 1.R.3+
AHA AHA... RARELY GIVES INTERVIEWS THIRTY- THOUSAND
OR MAKES PUBLIC DOLLARS,..1M TRYING
APPEARANCES... WHY,THEN, TO GET THE MONEY
HAVE you CONSENTED apes oie PAY
TO THIS INTERVIEW, ,
with “HIGH TIMES"?

OH AHA HA HA... You're NoT WHAT DO YoU "HIGH TIMES“? 1,..U)

THINK OF “HIGH I'VE NEVER SEEN (Te
REALLUP Hat's KIDDING/ Times"...1 MEAN, OH, I'VE SEEN IT ON
SPOT, 1—
WHY, AS A_ MAGAZINE... THe NEWSTANDS BUT
A UGH WeiPTS YOUR [VE NEVER LOOKED Ar
(T... 90,1 REALLY
BuT, LET ME OPINION OF [TP
HAVE NO OPINION OF
ASK YOU Some- NOW, ABOUT MY
THING, BOB {T.,,,
DEBT TO THE 1.R.S,,
 NEVER LOOKED ISNT IT A MAGAHNE FOR
at “HIGH TIMES FOR DRUG USERS? HERE...SEE THIS 'S
ALL YOURSELF...
R.cRuMB AT '™MYOUS DOPERS ANDS'ALL SUE...
of TH EN 2 OVR LATEST ISQU K
SHOCKED
RILLY SHOCKED / ABOUT DIFFERENT ways WUST TAKETHAROUGHIC
1 AM
WHAT TO GE HIGH AND, GLANCE E WHAT
you DON'T KNOW iT... SE
you've MISSING,
BEEN you
mH MANS

NAH.
SEEN
“NOTHING MAGAZINES...
SPECIAL (TS AW RELATIVE
HUH ?

:
GETING BACK TD You wbre GeUR 1S tT Possi@lLe THAT
OPLE
PECE SAIN CA“o
ARE OO ta NDLED THITE
CANTS? HACo
(MOU NT
RE NT CART NS ANT NTWORKSome SEVE IE uL
WITH “THE BRILLI
OF
Be THAT You'RE A
MOURS THAT We ALL GOT HIGH
E LATE HAS- BEEN? R. CRUMB,
OFF OF BACK INOPTH
SP
- PE
TIES-.“T
"SIXNI NG HA T
E
ARVE
LEYOU' ARE OYOUUT‘BURNED
.
LOST YouR VISION..
THAT YoU WERE
A FLASH
IN THE
 1...1 DON'T THINK SO... Yes, BUT, BOB, PICKING ON ME
DON'T YOU “THINK PHEH.,. You're UUST
(t's JUST THAT... YOU
you've BECOME GECAUSE 1 DIDNT PRAISE “HIGH
KNOW.., THE PUBUC IS ™
LOOKING FOR SOMEWHAT REPETITIOUS,
ALWAYS
SOMETHING NEW, GRINDING THE PUSHING WELL, OKAY,,,
FINE, COBY
OLD AXES, 10
your Lime PET OB~ BuT IF WERE GOING
SESSIONS, YEAR AFTER teu Iv ike IT IS HERE,
10
YEAR, SINCE, SAY, THEN WE BOTH HAVE
CRITICISM, RIGHT 2
19122 .-- BE OPEN TO
we Have TO BE ABLE TO
TAKE (T AS WELL AS DISH
tT ovT, RIGHT,
BoB?2

YEAH YEAH ... SURE

SURE.

SLICK
BASTARD MORE... NOW, JUST
WHY 1S THAT, BOB?
You'Re NOT AGAINST
PEOPLE ENJOYING LIFE,
ARE You?

fl

1 DUNNO...1 GOT_TIRED OF OH YES, SOMETHING ELSE L'vE

BEING STONED ...(T STOPPED BEEN MEANING 7 ASK YoU
BEING FON, OR EVEN INTER- ABOUT, SPEAKING OF YouR
ESTING... BUT PET OBSESSIONS... WHY DO
MAYBE YoU SHOULD TRY THAT'S NOT you ALWAYS DRAW YouRSELF
DOING IT AGAI N. «MIG HT PUT WITH THESE BIG WOMEN
SOME OF THE OLD SPARK». WITH MUSCULAR LEGS?
THE OLD VISION...GACK IN COULD THERE BE A LATENT SURE A PSYCHO-
YouR COMICS! HEH Heh! HOMOSEXUALITY IN THESE ANALYST COULD
FANTASIES GIVE You A BETTER
ANSWER. THAN
 1M SURE YOU'VE HEARD
CRITICISMS
ALL
OF NOW LET ME ASK You
HE VARIOUS THIS, BOB...IN YOUR OWN
JHE ONE SIDED TREATMENT- MIND, WHEN You'RE DRAWING
OF WOMEN IN YouR CAR
JOONS... AND, L ASSUME OuT THESE SEXUAL FANTASIES
YOURE AWARE THAT VERY OF YOURS, ARE YOU CONSCIOUS
Fee on
ASstra teIC
CHAUVINISTL
OF THE READER'S REACTIONS?
pO YoU FEEL ANY RESPONS|—
TaineOFT EN SAD IST BILITY To THE AUDIENCE?
ASPECT OF YOUR JEEZIZ..,
WORK: ««

1'D REALLY LIKE TO MAYBE... MAYBE

KNOW WHAT SOCIAL VALUE “WE SEX FANTASIES ARE
You THINK THESE PER SONAL JUST A CHEAP SUBSTITUTE
MASTURGAT ION FAN TAS IES
FOR LACK OF A BETTER POSSIBLE...
MIGHT HAV E.. . MEA N, THIS Is
STurF_OF Yours IS DISSEM- SOURCE OF INSPIRATION: ANYTHING
POSSIBLE...
INATED TO THOUSANDS A LACK OF TRUE
OF PEOPLE... SURELY, YOU
'RE VISION«s. 1S. THAT
AWARE OF THE POWER A POSSIBILITY, 808°?

BUT You HAVE TO ALL THE PRAISE AND

keep CRANKING (T OUT. GLORN THAT WAS HEAPED
DON'T 4OU, BOB :..VISION OR ON YOUR HEAD IN THE ‘SIXTIES. i INDEED«.,
NO VISION...GECAUSE YOUR You REALLY ATE IT _UP, DIDN'T INDEED..
£60 IS SO BIG, YOU THINK YOU, BOB +. YOU WERE ONLY OH YOU'RE
ANY OLD THING YoU DO IS JOO EAGER To BELIEVE ALL BRILUANT~.
PRETTY DOGGONE GREAT, THE FLATTERY, THE MAGAZINE
(ISNT THAT SO >? ARTICLES, PROCLAIMING THE
NeW Bot GENI US OF
“UNDERGROUND COMIX"/
 ;
WELL, WHERE'S THE TLL KILL YOU,
BoY GENIUS TODAY, BOB?
Is We REALLY A GENIUS, YOU DiRTy—
OR IS HE PERHAPS JUST
ANOTHER BURNED OUT
‘SKTIES CASUALTY?

WHAT'S GOING
ON IN HERE.//?
wwats THE
Y COMMOTION?

ue ae OF A BITCH SERVES ‘M RIGHT,

ACKED ME...1 HADDA AITACKED YOu?” 2 HIM...1 WAS TELUN' IT UKE \ tH! LOUSY
GIVE'M A KARATE CHOP IN7 ARE YoU OKAY IT {S,uHE COULDNT STAND PERWERT
VERT s HEL,
HEX,
THE BACK OFTHEN EEE TH’ CONFRONTATION WITH TOMD Y, Let's 60
GIMP AN'OORN HE //\y
No PROBLEM HIS REAL SELF...BUT
: MERE FOR
We: A
HEU BE ALL
WEAT,. 79 AL WHN'D HE "
Good CGtoRE tor ITZ LUNCH, HUH ?
MAGAZINE OUT OF
LETS GET'm
out HER
 Ifyou are what they call “different”—
If you think we're entering a new Dark Ages—
If you see the universe as one vast morbid sense of
humor—
Ifyou are looking for an inherently bogus religion that
will condone superior degeneracy and tell you that you
REPENT! Quit Your are ‘‘above"’ everyone else—
‘s Ifyou can help us with a donation—
JOB! ;SLACK OFF!

The Church of the _

The SubGenius™ *%
World Ends Tomorrow
could save your sanity!
and YOU R. Bob" Dobbs

MAY DIE!
“You'd PAY to know what you REALLY tiink."”
— Dobbs 1961

FEELING LIKE THERE'S JUST NO SLACK?

Well, no, probably not, but now we have snared your eyes and you must You may have ‘Snapped’ already from the information
not throw this baroquely cheesy pamphlet away before you ask yourself what disease! (‘The sleep of reason begets monsters." )
may be the most important questions of your life. The Church of the SubGenius recognizes the
programming!
Look to the High Unpredictables of the SubGenius
FisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Jehovah for pancultural
deprogramming and resynchronization!
ARE WE 4, Perfect your subliminimal vision — edit your memory —
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oe
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Explore the “‘Zen’” of stupidity! Channel chronic
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wn

Abnormal? BETTER
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anality!, MAKE WASTE!!
Find out who your Personal Saviors may be and who
PEOPLE! are the False Prophets in your life!
YES, YOU MAY BE THE SUBGENIUS, MASTER
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Vv YES! YOUR KIND The most ‘NO WAY" new wage religion of them all!!
! Brain-trust of our species!!
1980 Douglass St, Clair Smith SHAEETRIUMER!
 m eo la hora del fin jPLACE YOUR ORDER NOW!
SSA Using SubGeniuy secrets of BULLDADA and — finally, a cyclopedic GUIDEBOOK for
¥\ MOREALISM you can now MIRACULOUSLY WEIRDOS, ECCENTRICS and STUDS
ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smok- “THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS is a jackhammer of morbid
for. YF ing. lethargizing, overeating, insomnia, the inability to yuks ... louder and funnier ...than any normal book ...
take drugs, constipation, old age, sex and money pro- —J.R. “BOB” DOBRS
blems, baldness, illness, the Work Instinct, assouliness,
and painful shortage of SLACK! jiPeels away the bullshit, LAY! ER BY LAYER! SUCCESS

“Have Intercourse with The world-famous authors of the original Facts HG

About Dobbs show you how to unearth and
a Beautiful Live Girl’ wield your amazing hidden powers of
VENGEANCE. This prophetic new accounting
This is a certified religion of scorn and vengeance of future history and a fantastic religion beyond
directedatallofTHEM, the enemies of us Outsiders. It is science is * more entertaining than fiction
“self-help” through scoffing and blaspheming, frenzied — more terrifying than the truth!""
fornication and the Tumping of Graven Images. The
Church provides answers and miracles in the service of A self-‘help"” book for sinners, creeps, junkies,
SUREAVOLUTION morphodites, and wise men and guys who know
“Ignore the man behind the curtain."" — Oz they wouldn't get “‘heip’’ from any book even if
The Church of the SubGenius is the ultimate secret they needed it in the first place. As skim-proof
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ter" but who demand in their LUST for GRINS @ spec- WITH SPECIAL INSANE BONUS OFFER
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a a
This religion, devised by precise mathematical formulae, weirder than the
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x Ct SN Savior
or Nurd
UNDERGROUND RESEARCH...
False or THE READERS MUST BE LOCATED. THE MARKET MUST BE FOUND
A Prophet? Hero? The SubGenius is fully aware that only $¥% of the "civilized populace is interested enough to
Lecipher the stylistic overembellishment of The Book, and among those few only ,03* will be able to
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the disruptions of 199—99, this material cannox possibly realize its full commercial potential; but i it
ot asign of hearty SubGenitalia that no matiet how apparently flawed a work of motealism turns
Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass??, out, it matters not becauseMthas been decteed by Jehovah 17?
‘The SubGenius Foundation . a
P.O.Box 140306 & Sahl : gu:
WONDERFUL FREEDOM AND Dallas, TX 75214
CONTAINMENT — WITH COMFORT TODAY! No Obligation, No Salesmen.
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PRODUCTS AND SERVICES Book of the SubGenius
Pamphlets and Newsletters, Comix and Per The Life of Dobbs $10 for MEMBERSHIP in the CHURCH
sonality Test, Cassette Propaganda, Posters The Essentials of Survival —_a" Incluses the following
Buttons, T-Shirts, Burnper Suckers, Uni ms. Reincarnancient Sub-History of the World (w 1. The SubCienis Newsletter. one sear subscription This pauedo-monthly
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Love Potions, Voodoo Dolls,Mojo Bags, JUJL SubGenius Cyclopaedia the blistering rantings of fanatical SubGenii, The unbelievable
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Peen Worms, HiJohn DeConk us Root, Secret The SubG Reladeling Dictionary the SubCenius, published hers in installments, 1s available nowhere else
Signs and Ciphers, “Sacra Mons.” Indulgences,
Graven Images, False Idols, eles, Artifacts
Things to See, Say, and Do
Things to Think ond Know i Cram-packed —as shim-prow! asthePamphlets. Thicisthe
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the SECRETS OF THE CLIT + THE DANGERS OF PETTING I currently function on. The Emergency System
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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, + INDOCTRINATION FILM NO.7 — | am only a Mediocretin
COMING ATTRACTIONS.
 The SubGenius Foundation
heals ruined members of
a crumbling society!

Here’s What Just A Few Have To Say...

“An inspiration. A paean to the marvels of the “I too lack slack and so do most of my friends. An
universe. A blessing from...God? The perfect excuse for enlightened friend of mine told me about the SubGenius
white-collar crime.” Foundation and what it did for him. Before you helped
him, he was begging nickels and dimes on the street and
“1 am in high school, and [ guess you'd call me a sleeping in gutters. Now he is Hugh Hefner’s right hand
‘brain.’ A lot of the lumpen proletariat (kickers, jocks, man. I understand that you will help me like you helped
freaks) give ‘worms’ like myselfa difficult time. The fact him if I donate a dollar per pamphlet to your
that I’m overweight and have skin problems doesn’t help, Foundation.’”
as you can imagine. But your philosophy ‘‘Fuck them if
they can’t take
ajoke”’ is just what I’ve needed. I use the “*At night my husband reads sections of your Lessons
secret SubGenius Subliminimal ‘‘Jest’’ commands in my to the children just before bedtime. The kids love it.
daily conversation, too, and I've lately noticed that many Tommy isn’t hyperactive anymore, at least it doesn’t seem
of the physical toughs who harrass me are showing new like it.””
respect — even though they can’t seem to figure out why!
I think you’ve helped me to instill some superstitious fear “Since my wife died I have thought I was going crazy,
of higher intelligence into their dense crania!’’ or senile. Your material helps me deal with this and ex-
ploit my intermittent loss of mind. I’m 89 and I agree,
“When I
was told at the lecture that I would recieve my let’s have more SLACK! (The profanity I could do
most urgent desires just by chanting your Mantria, I was without but I understand, you have to reach the young
frankly dubious. I thought your Church was just for people too.”’
laughs. I never realized how serious my problems really
were. However, now I can’t understand why my friends “You make it seem like a joke, but it really isn’t is it? 1
scoff at my close personal relationship with ‘‘Bob”’ even feel I can read your mind while I’m reading it, it makes
though I have yet to meet him. He is a big force in all my more sense between the lines than most books do right on
decisions.’’ the lines that are serious. Whew.’”

Pull the Wool over

Your Own Eyes.
Relax in the Safety of
Your Own Delusions.
Join... the Church of the SubGenius ° sy

Cynisacreligion and a Society for Strange People.

The SubGenius Foundation

Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214

“IF YOU CAN HELP US WITH A DONATION

Too Much Is Always Better

Than Not Enough.
1980 The SubGenius Foundation
 What the HELL do
you think you’re doing?
It should be painfully obvious by now that the world as we know it won’t last too damn much longer. And what are you
doing about it? Going to work or school, coming home, goofing around. What will happen to your routine when all the
shit comes down on us at once? Don’t you feel responsible for trying to help this endangered planet?
No? Good. The fact is, it’s too late. There isn’t a god damned thing you as an individual can do about eco-disaster,
nuclear death, overpopulation and so on. Things are going to Hell on a fast train and about the only thing you, or anyone
else besides the Rockefellers, can do about it is to just sit back and watch the show.
But remember — the End of the World may be much worse and take much longer than you thought. The mere act of
sitting in your home watching everything fall apart on TV may be too much for even the stoutest brains to take. In fact,
the more alert and intelligent you are, the quicker you'll likely be driven to suicide by the sheer hideousness ofwhat you'll
be seeing. WILL YOU BE READY?
WILL YOU STILL BE SANE ENOUGH TO LAUGH WHEN THAT WHICH MUST COME TO PASS, COMES
TO PASS? WILL YOU EVER GET SLACK??
Study our SubGenius “‘literature”’ closely. Keep it by your toilet and memorize it. If you aren’t as dense as most peo-
ple, you'll be quick to realize that, cheesy scam though it might well be, the Church of the SubGenius is just about the only
organization around that can help you face the god-awful facts without some sort of ingratiating, sweetness-and-light,
goody-two-shoes, pollyanna, lift a-bowl-of-cherries bullshit. Not on/y that, but the Church of the SubGenius is
beyond the shadow of a doubt THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION. We perform miracles, answer any question, invoke
demons, and have a direct etheric hotline to space god Jehovah 1 through our infra-psychic trance-babbling Personal
Savior, J. R. ‘‘Bob’’ Dobbs — who is actually a pretty regular guy, just very rich and possessed by forces greater than
Man.
The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor ofa huge,
lucrative cult — NOW, while rates are low, so that you will not only recieve the immediate benefits listed on our Applica-
tion Coupon, but will also be eligible for all the $$$, weird sex, drugs, and sheer power over others that go with high-
ranking membership in what will probably sweep this unkempt planet in an unstoppable wave of cynical, dangerous
power plays, insanely morbid truths and panhandling, zombie-like teenage ‘‘followers.””
For the sake of what little you still hold dear, we urge you to submit this application so that we may determine if you are
worthy to recieve the closest thing to salvation you’ll ever get a whiff of.
(If you are rich, your money can buy you your own personal Church and Congregation. Write for details.) REReATER

APPLICATION COUPON and ORDER FORM

TOTAL ENCLOSED: 4 eee MONEY BACK GUARANTEE do nat send currency aver $1
Make Check or Money Order to: The SubGenius Foundation
Caution! Warning! Disclaimer!
ecause the SubGenius inner mysteries, dark rites, abhorrent rituals, loathsome secrets and repugnant initiations reach into the so-called “evil” and “conspiratorial” realms as well asthe ordinary. unforbid-
den sciences and magick, they must neverbeallowed to fall nto the wrong hands. There are some things Man was not meant (o own, especially Regular Man:, while the useofSubGenius concepts and tools
may be informative, amusing, and effective in gaining Something for Nothing, ‘hey are ror rovs
V therefore swear that | am a least 18 yearsofage and, Furthermore, that I will eep private all reading matter, taped discourses, graven images, and other cultsecrets. If Ido not uphold this ancient rust lam
Prepared to meet the Stark Fist of Removal
ay SIGNED:
SS
2)) PRINT YOUR NAME AND MAILING ‘ADDRESS:
MAIL TODAY! PAG
fix’em Name(s):
all
The Church of the SubGenius Address:
P.O. Box 140306 ; =
Dallas, TX 75214 ity Stake rand Zan
USA Wa A friend of mine who should recieve your free literature ts

There’s no ‘prob’... with “Bob!”

REPRINTED BY PERMISSION OF THE SUBGENUS FOUNDATION, ©1980
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