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hockEr | WiLmot
Interpersonal Conflict examines the central principles of effective conflict NiNth EditioN
management in a wide variety of contexts—from personal relationships to workplace
relationships. Providing a balanced approach to theory and practice, the authors present
conflict management using the latest research and their own real-life experience.
and problems related to violations on Facebook and soldiers returning from war.
Interpersonal Conflict
Interpersonal Conflict
of negotiation.
NiNth EditioN
JoycE L. hockEr
WiLLiam W. WiLmot
Brief Contents
Preface xv
Acknowledgments xvii
References 344
Name Index 364
Subject Index 370
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 186
Key Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187
Review Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187
References 344
Name Index 364
Subject Index 370
macro-level and micro-level analysis. The two chapters, on emotion and thinking, work
together in a more complementary way.
Chapter 8, “Interpersonal Negotiation,” retains the organizational structure from
the last edition. However, we have expanded the ways that negotiation can be used in
organizational and everyday interpersonal situations. We have added new cases to illus-
trate the prevalence of the need to negotiate, and have added sections on the “heart
and soul” of the negotiator, emphasizing the need to preserve the relationship while
negotiating. We point out the clear advantages of integrative negotiation for interper-
sonal conflict. We added a section on negotiation in organizations, including a new case,
from the perspective of the employee, not an outside negotiator. We added new ideas
on balancing power, and a new section on “coaching for integrative negotiators,” which
gives practical suggestions for how to put integrative negotiation into practice. Overall,
the tone of the chapter fits more seamlessly with the rest of the book.
Chapter 9, “Third-Party Intervention,” remains the same, structurally, as in the last
edition. We added a new section on “coaching people in a system” that reflects the
popularity of communication coaching in organizations. We expanded an application
on mediation in family disputes, making it into an application that students can use in
class. We added an application on students as mediators—how they might follow this
path as a career by learning more about mediation.
Chapter 10, “The Practice of Forgiveness and Reconciliation,” (written by
Gary W. Hawk), has been considerably updated and changed. Definitions of both con-
cepts have been added and clarified. The section on making choices about whether to
forgive has been expanded, giving more questions for consideration. Misconceptions of
forgiveness now include a section on pseudo-forgiveness. The advantages of forgive-
ness for the party that was harmed are explored, with cautions against the pressure to
forgive, which can further harm a lower-power party. The chapter orients more toward
interpersonal forgiveness. Some of the political and literary examples have been omitted
or shortened. The chapter continues to focus on forgiveness as a process rather than an
outcome. Several new interpersonal cases were added to illustrate the process, including
one that focuses on soldiers returning from war and one that presents problems relating
to violations on Facebook. The section on apology, both public and private, is expanded.
We think you will like the changes and find the chapter a valuable resource, integrated
well into the rest of the book.
Let us know what you think! We pay close attention to responses from students
and professors. We receive each comment gratefully and like being in dialogue with you
about your experience with the book. Best wishes as you begin or continue the journey
of discover about interpersonal conflict.
Joyce L. Hocker and Bill Wilmot
Spring 2012
[email protected]
[email protected]
nAcknowledgments
To the Reader from Joyce Hocker
Back in the early seventies when I began to study and write about conflict resolution
for my dissertation at the University of Texas, all I wanted to do was finish the project
and move on with my academic life. I found, however, that conflict theory and practice
moved right along with me, both in the unfolding of my academic life and then my
second career as a clinical psychologist. As it turned out, the study and transformation
of interpersonal conflict greatly enriched my life as a professor and a psychologist and
now again as a teacher, writer, retreat leader, and organizational communication coach.
I cannot imagine how different my life would have been had I chosen a different topic.
As we say in auto-ethnography, “the topic chose me.”
For the ninth edition of Interpersonal Conflict, I want to dedicate my work to my
father, Lamar Hocker. My Dad was a progressive minister in Georgia, North Carolina,
and Texas. He grew up in a small town in central Texas in a conventional family. From
there he went to college and seminary at Texas Christian University in Ft. Worth in
the 1930s and 40s where he met professors and studied literature that set his life course,
one that emphasized social justice and ethical choices. My mother, Jean, supported him.
Coming from a very modest family background in San Antonio, she studied religion
and journalism on scholarship at TCU and went to seminary for a year. Then they set
out together for what amounted to a team approach to ministry. My Dad was a power-
ful speaker and teacher. His strong voice lives inside me now. He was not, however, a
skillful manager of conflict, or the turmoil that erupted all too often along with the
social issues of the fifties, sixties, and seventies. My sister Janice and I used to wryly
comment that we had to go into the field of communication because we saw how poorly
communication was handled in the churches of our youth. My father was “right,” in our
family opinion, but did not know how to build support by constructively engaging the
parties to a conflict. So why am I dedicating this work to him? His values were rock
solid. His moral (but not judgmental) stance expressed who he was. He researched and
spoke about the issues of the day, and he firmly believed that all people are equal, and
that war was a tragedy. As a clergyman who did not join the chaplaincy in World War II,
he spent the rest of his active life explaining the principles and values of equality and
nonviolence (although he told me he knew that World War II had to be fought). As
oldest daughters often do when they have fathers who talk with them, ask them ques-
tions, respect them, and support them, I filled in what my father did not know how to
do very well—I learned how to teach and practice the art of conflict resolution. My
father read earlier editions of the book. He was proud of me and often said, “I needed
to know all of this back then.” I honor my Dad for having the courage of his convic-
tions, for raising his three children to uphold the same values, and for respecting our
ideas and individual identities.
I also join with Bill in honoring Jacqueline Gibson. Jacquie was a student of ours
in the seventies and eighties at the University of Montana—those early, exciting years
of teaching conflict resolution, mediation, bringing trainers to Montana, and generally
spreading the word about the “better way” of working through our difficulties with skill
and grace. Jacquie was part of all this creative ferment. At her memorial service, I said
that I had “ostensibly” been her teacher, but that really I learned as much from her as
I might have taught her. We plowed new ground together and I am grateful for her
collaborative, cheerful, skillful influence, which I still feel.
I am also very grateful for my husband, Gary Hawk, not only for writing an excellent
chapter on forgiveness and reconciliation (for the fourth time), but for supporting me in
a wonderful way through the revision process through a dark and cold Montana winter.
He took real interest in the new ideas I was exploring, and encouraged me when the
process seemed long and tiring. He took me to Whitefish when I badly needed a break
and did not complain when all I wanted to do was sleep and read instead of explore
winter in Whitefish. Thanks for that well-timed trip, Gary. At a deeper level, Gary helps
me by studying ideas and practices in common, talking through these approaches, and
co-creating with me a home in which the practices of this book are common currency
as we live in this marriage together, for more than eighteen years now.
In the early phase of research for this edition, Georgie Ferguson provided expert
research assistance. I am especially grateful for a group of friends who helped, directly
or indirectly, with this book. My writers’ group, while encouraging me in many other
areas, read with great precision the revision of Chapter 6 on emotions in conflict. Leslie
Burgess, Nancy Heil, and Candace Crosby talked through ideas in that chapter and
provided a way for me to expand and clarify what I wanted to say. Thank you, writer
friends. Chris Fiore worked with me in our ongoing project with the Indian Health
Service, where we refined and practiced many of the ideas in this book. I appreciate
Chris for her ability to adapt to unforeseen organization challenges, and for making
travel such a delight. My former assistant and good friend Sally Brown has provided the
excellent index for four editions. She kept my business straight so I could focus on my
work, and now she helps me play and relax, even though I continue to be “play chal-
lenged.” Shannon Hall, former director of the Arkansas Court Ordered Mediation Proj-
ect, took the conflict class from my sister Janice years ago. She contacted me through
Tom Frentz, I taught several workshops, and in the process we became friends. Life and
work connects us, sometimes surprisingly, with people of like mind. Sally Thompson
and Diane Haddon, dear friends of many years, encourage me with their accepting and
perceptive friendship. They often remember aspects of my life that I have temporarily
forgotten, and lovingly remind me of what is truly important. Long-time friend Gayle
Younghein, who co-leads our winter retreats to Mexico and Central America, has also
become my summer Colorado friend, as we both claim our love for the Western Colorado
high country in Crested Butte and Tincup. Gale Young, who for many years has taught
from this book, reminds me to make it good since she has to teach from it. I appreciate
her wise and generous counsel.
Anne de Vore, Jungian analyst and cherished guide, continues to provide wise
counsel in many areas—topics in the book, how to set up my life of semi-retirement,
and always, to pay attention to the gifts of my dreams. Thank you, Anne, for your
original and continuing help with conflict and emotions, for talking with me about what
to teach and how to teach at this stage of my life, and for believing in me as a writer
and “free-lance human being,” a phrase I first heard from Anne. Anne remembers every
edition of this book and, like a Greek chorus commenting on the action, gives warnings,
helps me remember what is important, and urges me to heed what I find to be central.
I owe a great debt to all my former psychotherapy clients, many of whom gave
permission to me to use parts of their stories, disguised, and all of whom helped me refine
the ideas in this book over and over (especially the couples with whom Gary and I worked).
I continue to learn from work with long-term organizational clients, and from the people
who ask for immediate intervention in their organizational conflicts (which of course are
always interpersonal in nature). The practices we describe in this book are tested with
many people; all of them made a difference in the development of the ideas. I have the
delightful opportunity to return to teaching at this point in my life. At the Red Willow
Learning Center, I teach mental health providers and people from the community in a
beautiful, serene, “green building” directed with great expertise by long-time friend,
Kathy Mangan. I appreciate Kathy’s flawless organization and her invitation to me to teach
topics I love to teach. Also I very much enjoy my teaching at the Montana Osher Lifelong
Learning Institute at the University of Montana. There I teach “Life Writing” and
“Mending Words” to people over 50, learning again that we all carry stories that want to
be told and we all have relationships that need the art of restorative conversation. I learn
so much from working with these wonderfully motivated students. The venues are a pro-
fessor’s dream—bright, interested students, and no tests and papers to grade!
In recent years I have rejoined the National Communication Association, where
I connect with long-time colleagues and new friends and teachers. I especially appreci-
ate the community we’ve developed in the Southern States Communication Associa-
tion. I first started going to SSCA to see my sister Janice’s friends after her death, and
to have a good way to connect with Tom Frentz, my brother-in-law. Now I count on
my colleagues and friends there, and have found a home in the Ethnography division,
where I send memoirs that I write and sometimes get a chance to read before people
who love to hear good stories. I cannot write about this book without expressing my
love and gratitude for my years with my sister, Janice Hocker Rushing, who read six
editions with great care and was always our best reader. I have missed her in all ways
during these eight years without her. Revising the book brings back all the dedications,
conversations, and stories of ours that made their way into the book. Janice helped shape
me. Her love weaves through my life like a golden thread in the tapestry of my life.
Tom Frentz encouraged me throughout this revising process. As a writer, he knew what
I meant when I said, “OK, I’m closing in on Chapter 6,” or other tedious reports only
another writer could appreciate. Thanks, Tom, for all the e-mails and support embedded
in this project and in my life. My brother, Ed, supports me with his interest and encour-
agement. He, too, is a writer, so knows how to commiserate with the process of revision
of a very long document. Ed embodies the principles of this book as he works on trans-
portation planning for the United States. He and I uphold our parents’ values for peace
in their cabin, Shalom, which we now enjoy.
My extended family of Hawks brings great delight to this stage of my life. Andy
and Heather and our grandchildren Emelia and Oren, along with Kyle and Samantha
and our granddaughters Bodhi and Koa, help keep me connected to the ongoing stream
of life. I wish for them a life with less devastating conflict, and for their children’s
children, I wish for a world of peace.
Joyce L. Hocker
University of Montana, Faculty Affiliate
Joyce L. Hocker and Associates
[email protected]
Curt, if every CEO were like you, there would not be nasty stories to tell about CEOs.
You are the best of the best, and we will continue to carry the SRI torch with you.
Our SRI innovation team has expanded due to the efforts of Steve Ciesinski. Steve
is amazing with clients, and his team of Brian Engleman, Rob Pearlstein, Dennis Tsu,
Janet Gregory and Marianne Poulsen has achieved more than we could envision. It is
such a pleasure to work with people from Finland, Germany, Malaysia, Japan, Sweden,
Taiwan, Chile, and others. We always learn as much as we teach during our 5 Disciplines
of Innovation workshops. Brian, thanks to you for working through our bump and form-
ing a team of two totally opposite people who can really “click.” Brian and I have done
workshops for more than three years and each workshop is better than the last. Rob,
your energy and unstoppable nature are a sight to behold. Dennis is the leader of our
program and Janet has really stepped up when we got overwhelmed with requests.
Marianne, your fluency with multiple languages continues to astound me almost as much
as your knowledge of everything about innovation. And to all of you, thanks for your
personal support as I faced some health issues.
Melanie Trost, my spouse, is an incredible person. She is one of the few people who
has coupled solid academic credentials with an open heart. As I wrote once before, “she
leads with a kind heart and sparkling intellect, never wavering from kindness toward
others.” Her second career, in hospice, has been inspiring and uplifting. So few of us
could actually do that work. So far, we have lived in Tempe, AZ, Missoula, MT, at our
mountain cabin at Georgetown Lake, MT, Walla Walla, WA, and temporarily in the
Palo Alto, CA area. In each case, Melanie adapts and finds the positives about our new
environment. As age continues to march on, she is there as an unstoppable support.
I just hope that I can keep up my end of the bargain, as she has. Melanie, my never-
ending gratitude and appreciation for you. If I tell people about your cooking skills, we
may get folks pounding on the door wanting to join us for dinner, so I won’t.
My favorite son (Jason) and favorite daughter (Carina) are off on their own paths
and both doing extremely well. Jason’s wife, Kate Wilmot, keeps the bears in Grand
Teton Park out of trouble (it isn’t the bears, it is the people!) and Jason chases wolver-
ines in places you would not want to go. Here is a hint, if either asks you to go on a
cross-country walk or ski, you had better be in top physical condition. Carina is currently
in law school and will be an attorney who actually helps folks. She does an amazing job
of juggling two active boys (are there any other types?), working, and law school. We
could all use some of her efficiency. The respective grandkids, Sydney and Luke Wilmot
and Evan and Karson Stefaniak, are the decibel raisers and always fun to be with,
whether at the family cabin in Wyoming, Glacier Park, or Missoula, MT. Keep that
energy coming kids. In the past year I’ve taken the opportunity to sort through photos
of Jason, Carina, and me on our adventures through the years. The two of you have
had many “memory builder” experiences—those trips you tell stories about but never
want to repeat. Pictures from the Scapegoat wilderness in Montana to Mount Everest
and Mount Kailas in Tibet, to the three of us sitting (all with headaches) on top of
Cloud Peak in Wyoming, continue to warm my heart.
Speaking of family, I have been blessed to have the extended Trost family as terrific
in-laws and friends. Del, Rena, Doug and Gloria and spouses Joan, Delos and Kate really
can’t know how important their ongoing support of me has been. The funny thing is,
we like one another and have a grand time when together. Their respective children
and grandchildren are too numerous to mention, nevertheless they are an important
part of the mix. I am fortunate to have that diverse, supportive extended family.
Rosie and Gus, our Australian Shepherds, are quite the pair. Rosie is fourteen,
almost deaf, but still takes daily walks and comes up to me at exactly 9:45 every night
and looks, saying with her eyes, “Hey, big guy, did you lose your watch or what? It is
bedtime.” So we help her get up the stairs by the bed and she settles in. While Rosie
clearly likes her space and prefers to just stay five feet away, Gus is a needy guy who
has to touch you at all times. He is the most touch hungry dog I have ever met in my
life. He is happiest when he has trips to “Pintler Pothole #1,” my secret fishing spot in
the mountains that only Del and Tyler have seen with Gus and me.
A special thank you to Paul Wilson, housing contractor extraordinaire. He is
immensely talented and one of the hardest working people I know. He is an exceptional
parent to Luke and Conner under difficult circumstances and walks with integrity in a
business that is easily corrupted. Paul, thanks for being such a good friend and checking
in over and over, even when you are in North Dakota.
Elaine Yarbrough and Mike Burr continue to be close friends, and always appear
somewhere. Just yesterday Elaine texted me “Hi, we are in Tanzania” (the Serengeti).
Such steadfast friends are not easy to find and keep. I am impressed with how they adapt
to the unpredictable in life and continue to travel the world. My week on a boat with
them going down the Seine River was just magical and indescribable fun. Let’s keep
those connections going, for our paths have many more turns to go.
So, why would I like to study conflict? It is precisely because I saw people in my
immediate family not do well that led to my fascination with it. You, of course, will
have your own reasons. Thanks to all of you who enter into the study and practice of
interpersonal conflict. I hope it is helpful to you.
Bill Wilmot
Professor Emeritus
University of Montana
Director, Collaboration Institute
[email protected]
Supplements
For Instructors: A password-protected instructor’s manual is available online at
www.mhhe.com/hocker9e. Please ask your McGraw-Hill representative for access
information.
For Students: True/false quizzes, multiple choice quizzes, and Application boxes are
available on the Online Learning Center (www.mhhe.com/hocker9e).
The ninth edition of Interpersonal Conflict is available as
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Language: English
H. BASEDOW, pinx.
THE
AUSTRALIAN
ABORIGINAL
BY
HERBERT BASEDOW
M.A., M.D., Ph.D., B.Sc., F.G.S., etc.
SOMETIME CHIEF MEDICAL INSPECTOR AND CHIEF PROTECTOR OF
ABORIGINES
IN THE NORTHERN TERRITORY; SPECIAL ABORIGINES’ COMMISSIONER
FOR THE FEDERAL AND STATE GOVERNMENTS; LOCAL CORRESPONDENT
ROYAL ANTHROPOLOGICAL INSTITUTE OF GREAT
BRITAIN AND IRELAND; HONORARY FELLOW ANTHROPOLOGICAL
SOCIETY OF GÖTTINGEN, ETC.
Adelaide:
F. W. PREECE AND SONS
1925