Permissive Parenting: What, Why, & How They Affect Children

It is no secret that modern parenting looks much different than in past generations. Gone are the days when the only models of raising a child came directly from our own parents or a small circle of caregivers. Today, a seemingly infinite stream of advice—often conflicting—flows from social media, the internet, educational materials, and even casual conversations at the playground. As a result, many parents find themselves confused, overwhelmed, and unsure about the “best approach” for raising their children.

This uncertainty is intensified by the rise of buzzwords and trends that promise better child development outcomes. At the same time, parents feel immense pressure to break old patterns and cultivate healthier emotional intelligence and positive discipline strategies.

Amid this chaos, many well-intentioned parents, hoping to be more empathetic and nurturing, turn to what they believe is “Gentle Parenting.” Yet, all too often, they actually slide into a permissive parenting style—one characterized by high responsiveness but very low demands. What was meant to establish open communication and healthy emotional development can morph into little guidance, a lack of boundaries, and a lack of structure.

Understanding different parenting styles, from the authoritative approach to the neglectful parenting style, and recognizing the subtle but huge difference between gentle parenting techniques and permissive parenting style, is crucial. Otherwise, permissive approaches can have negative effects that last the rest of their life for children.

The Four Main Parenting Styles and Their Origins

According to psychologist Diana Baumrind, there are four main parenting styles, or main categories, each with distinct characteristics:

1. Authoritarian Parenting (Authoritarian Style): Authoritarian parents set strict rules, hold very high demands, and often expect obedience without question. While they value academic achievement and good behavior, they typically offer low warmth, little open communication, and minimal recognition of a child’s desires. This style, though often associated with the past, still exists. Children raised by authoritarian parents may follow the rules, but they can struggle with low self-esteem and have difficulty expressing their big emotions.
2. Authoritative Parenting (Authoritative Approach or Authoritative Parenting Style): Considered the “sweet spot” by many experts, authoritative parents combine high expectations with high responsiveness. They set firm boundaries and appropriate limits but also maintain open communication. They guide children’s behavior and decision-making skills through positive discipline rather than harsh punishments. Over time, this approach can foster high self-esteem, academic success, and healthy emotional development.
3. Permissive Parenting (Permissive Approach, Indulgent Parenting): Children of permissive parents often experience few rules, lack of structure, and a general permissive approach that emphasizes warmth and responsiveness but fails to provide consistent boundaries. The permissive parenting style, often confused with gentle parenting, can lead to children’s behavior that is impulsive, lacking self-discipline, and prone to difficulties in school work, emotional regulation, and academic achievement.
4. Neglectful Parenting (Uninvolved Parenting or Neglectful Parenting Style): Uninvolved parents offer little guidance and few rules, often due to being preoccupied or disinterested. This fourth style, also called free-range parenting when it’s not carefully monitored, provides almost no structure and does not meet the child’s needs adequately. The child must navigate the world largely alone, which can impact children’s emotional well-being, lead to low self-esteem, substance abuse, and difficulties forming close relationships with authority figures.

Authoritarian vs. Authoritative vs. Permissive vs. Uninvolved Parents

When considering different parenting styles, it helps to identify their main differences. Authoritarian parenting focuses on control and obedience, often using strict rules without much explanation or flexibility. In contrast, authoritative parents strive to balance firm limits with empathy, nurturing their child’s emotional intelligence and problem-solving abilities. Uninvolved parents take a “hands-off” approach, providing little guidance and failing to act as positive role models.

Permissive parenting lies at another extreme: it often comes from a place of love but features low demands, a lack of rules, and minimal structure. Children raised this way might have too much screen time, rely heavily on video games, or struggle with appropriate decision-making skills. Without clear authority figures and firm boundaries, these young children may have a difficult time developing healthy relationships with peers and authority figures later in real life.

Characteristics of the Permissive Parenting Style

The characteristics of permissive parenting include high responsiveness but low demands. This means parents are warm, loving, and supportive—sometimes to great lengths—but they do not establish consistent boundaries. They might set rules but fail to enforce them, responding to big emotions and tantrums by simply giving in. Children of permissive parents may struggle with self-discipline, academic success, and emotional regulation. Without a framework of appropriate limits, these children may not learn mature behavior or how to handle the inevitable disappointments in real life.

Examples of permissive parenting (and an example of permissive parenting taken too far) could include allowing a preschool-age child unlimited screen time or letting them skip school work in favor of playing video games. Another example might be routinely giving in to a child’s desires, even when it conflicts with the family’s schedule or values. Over time, this lack of structure may lead to negative effects, such as low self-esteem, substance use issues during adolescence, and difficulty dealing with authority figures.

Why Gentle Parenting Is Not the Same as Permissive Parenting

The first thing to understand is that gentle parenting techniques, when practiced correctly, are not about having low demands or letting children run the show. Instead, gentle parenting focuses on responding to a child’s needs with empathy, using positive discipline, and modeling emotional intelligence and open communication. The goal is to guide young children toward mature behavior and good decision-making skills, rather than forcing compliance through fear or rewarding every whim.

However, many parents who try gentle parenting for the first time mistake it for being their child’s friend rather than their parent’s job to lead. They may hesitate to set firm limits or believe that big emotions should never be met with boundaries. Yet children’s behavior thrives when they know where the limits are and when these limits are enforced consistently. Gentle parenting still respects a child’s desires and feelings, but it does not allow a lack of rules to dictate the household. Unlike permissive parents, those who use a gentle parenting technique understand that it is a good idea to combine compassion with expectations.

The Negative Effects of Permissive Parenting on Child Development

The effects of permissive parenting are well-documented by organizations like the American Psychological Association and numerous licensed clinical psychologists. Without consistent boundaries or appropriate demands, children may struggle to develop self-discipline and have difficulty managing their big emotions. Overly permissive parents may unintentionally undermine their child’s academic achievement by allowing unlimited screen time, neglecting firm boundaries around school work, and failing to encourage accountability.

This permissive approach can also lead to a lack of decision-making skills, as children never learn to weigh consequences or understand that some behaviors are inappropriate. They may grow up feeling entitled, and unprepared for the demands of adolescence and adulthood. Some research suggests that children who experience indulgent parenting or a permissive approach have an increased risk of substance abuse and other risky behaviors because they never learned how to manage impulses effectively.

In real life, these children may have a difficult time holding down responsibilities or maintaining long-term close relationships.

Finding the Sweet Spot: The Authoritative Approach

The authoritative approach is often hailed as the “sweet spot” among the main parenting styles. Authoritative parents maintain high expectations and firm limits, coupled with high levels of warmth and open communication. They recognize their child’s needs and value emotional intelligence, but they also enforce rules and boundaries consistently. This balance nurtures children’s emotional well-being and supports academic success while maintaining healthy emotional development.

Children raised by authoritative parents tend to have better social skills, stronger self-discipline, and healthier self-esteem. They learn that while their voices matter, there are still boundaries and authority figures who guide them. This combination of empathy and structure helps young children build emotional resilience and problem-solving skills that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Authoritative Parents follow Gentle Parenting methods and practices, helping the child overall.

Practical Strategies for Setting Firm Limits and Encouraging Self-Discipline

For parents hoping to shift away from a permissive parenting style and adopt a more authoritative parenting style, it can be challenging to know where to begin. The good news is that many techniques are both effective and relatively simple to implement.

1. Start Small: The first time you set a new rule or enforce a previously ignored limit, take deep breaths and remain calm. Consistency is key. Your child might test this limit, especially if they’re accustomed to a permissive environment, but holding firm helps show them you mean it.
2. Positive Discipline: Rather than punishing a child’s behavior through harsh methods, redirect their attention to a more appropriate activity. Validate their feelings but remain firm on the boundary. For example, if your child wants extra screen time and you’ve said no, empathize with their disappointment and stand your ground.
3. Open Communication: Gently explain why rules exist. Children appreciate understanding the “why” behind a decision. This helps them develop emotional intelligence and better decision-making skills. Over time, they’ll learn that you enforce boundaries because you care about their long-term well-being.
4. Be a Role Model: Model the behavior you want to see. Show respect to others, maintain good self-discipline, and manage big emotions calmly. Your actions speak louder than words, teaching your child how to handle challenges in real life.
5. Seek Professional Guidance if Needed: If you feel overwhelmed or unsure, consulting a licensed clinical psychologist or a parenting coach who follows guidelines by the American Psychological Association may help. They can offer strategies tailored to your family’s situation.

Striving for Balance in the Digital Age

In today’s world, parenting involves managing social media, video games, and constant digital stimulation. While free-range parenting might sound appealing, completely removing structure from a child’s online life can have negative effects. Children need boundaries around screen time to develop healthy habits, maintain academic success, and ensure their emotional well-being.

Set appropriate limits for screen time and encourage children to engage in activities that foster emotional intelligence, such as cooperative board games, outdoor play, or reading. This balanced approach prepares them for a world in which technology is ever-present, helping them learn to self-regulate and develop strong decision-making skills.

At the same time, it’s essential to understand that not all trends in parenting are beneficial. Just because a style is popular online does not mean it’s a good idea. Consider the advice of authority figures in child development, such as the American Psychological Association, and reflect on your own childhood experiences. Were there moments when a lack of structure led to confusion or difficulty? Use these memories and lessons to guide your current parenting journey.

Negative Effects of Permissive Parenting in the Classroom

Permissive parenting can have numerous negative effects that extend into the classroom environment. Students who have experienced very few boundaries at home may struggle with following classroom rules, respecting authority figures, and adhering to schedules or lesson plans. Because they are accustomed to having their desires promptly fulfilled, these children often have a harder time coping with frustration, waiting their turn, or dealing with constructive criticism.

Furthermore, a lack of clear, consistent expectations at home can result in poor self-regulation and weak decision-making skills, ultimately hindering academic progress and social interactions with peers. Over time, such students may find it more challenging to develop resilience, academic motivation, and cooperative behaviors that are essential for success in school and beyond.

Conclusion

Raising children in the modern era is undeniably challenging. With advice from countless directions, it can feel impossible to know the best approach. The key is to understand the huge difference between different parenting styles and recognize that the permissive approach is not what gentle parenting or positive discipline aims to achieve.

The gentle parenting technique—rooted in empathy, high responsiveness, and balanced with firm limits—is distinct from the permissive parenting style, which offers high warmth but almost no guidance. By understanding the four main parenting styles outlined by psychologist Diana Baumrind—authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved parents—you can choose methods that encourage good behavior, academic success, healthy emotional development, and self-discipline.

It’s not about being your child’s friend at the expense of structure, nor about imposing strict rules without sensitivity. Instead, aim for authoritative parenting. This involves open communication, consistent boundaries, appropriate limits, and a thoughtful response to your child’s needs. Over time, your children will benefit from the rich environment you’ve created: one where they learn mature behavior, develop high self-esteem, and build decision-making skills that serve them well for the rest of their lives.

Remember that you are not alone. Many parents struggle to find the sweet spot between the extremes of authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting. Take deep breaths, learn from your own parents’ approaches, reflect on your own childhood, and be willing to adjust. Sometimes, breaking generational cycles is hard, but doing so can lead to healthier, more resilient children who are better equipped to navigate social media, screen time, school work, and the many challenges of modern life.