Lisa > Books: read-in-2022‎ (26)

‘As soon as I turned around, he caged me against the door, his arms bracketing my shoulders. He leaned in close enough for me to feel his breath on my lips. “I shouldn’t be here.”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Tell me to leave.”
“No.”
“Then tell me you want me as badly as I want you.”
“I could.” I unbuttoned his coat and pushed it off his shoulders. “But I’d rather show you.”’

‘Beyond that, the last thing I needed was to get hung up on Zach Barrett—my ex’s dad, who lived across the country, who’d already had a vasectomy because he’d never wanted kids in the first place, and who’d be a grandfather within a year.
But it could happen. It could easily happen.’

“This is stupid. I knew going in what this was.”
“Sometimes our hearts don’t communicate with our heads.”
“Hearts are dumb,” I said angrily.

‘He wrapped me in his arms again, pulling me tighter to his broad, warm chest. “I think about you every minute of the day. I wish I could be the one, Millie Rose.”
“Maybe in another life, you could have been.” Tears leaked silently from my eyes.
He kissed the top of my head. When he spoke, his voice was gruff with emotion. “I’m not sure I’d have deserved you in any life, but I sure as hell would have tried.”’

“Hey.” I gently grasped her by the chin to turn her face to look at me. Staring into those haunted eyes, I wished like fuck I could take away every bad thing that had happened to this woman. But first I needed to know what those things were. “I’m sorry if you’ve met more than your fair share of shitty people…but do you know how much more of a miracle it is, then, that you are who you are, Ery?”
“And who do you think I am?” she whispered.
My chest suddenly felt too tight and my words came out hoarse. “You are good. From the tips of your toes to the ends of your curls…you’re nothing but good, through and through.”

“I trust you,” she said.
Joy filled me, a smile prodding my lips. I knew it was a huge deal to be given Eredine’s trust. She didn’t hand it over to many people, and I was honored she had done so to me. I only hoped I could be worthy of it. “Thank you. That means a lot. I trust you too.”

“Do you know how long I’ve wanted this?” he asked hoarsely. “Fantasized about having you in my arms like this? It’s fucking haunted me, Ery. And yet no fantasy could stand up to the reality of you. I need you.”

“No one can make promises going into a relationship, Ery. It’s a gamble everyone takes, not knowing if or when it will end. How much it’ll hurt. But it’s a risk worth taking when you feel this way.” He gave me a little shake with a tender smile. “Do you know how rare it is to have this connection? I’ve never felt anything like it.”
“Me neither,” I whispered.

“Hey.” I gently grasped her by the chin to turn her face to look at me. Staring into those haunted eyes, I wished like fuck I could take away every bad thing that had happened to this woman. But first I needed to know what those things were. “I’m sorry if you’ve met more than your fair share of shitty people…but do you know how much more of a miracle it is, then, that you are who you are, Ery?”
“And who do you think I am?” she whispered.
My chest suddenly felt too tight and my words came out hoarse. “You are good. From the tips of your toes to the ends of your curls…you’re nothing but good, through and through.”

“I trust you,” she said.
Joy filled me, a smile prodding my lips. I knew it was a huge deal to be given Eredine’s trust. She didn’t hand it over to many people, and I was honored she had done so to me. I only hoped I could be worthy of it. “Thank you. That means a lot. I trust you too.”

“Do you know how long I’ve wanted this?” he asked hoarsely. “Fantasized about having you in my arms like this? It’s fucking haunted me, Ery. And yet no fantasy could stand up to the reality of you. I need you.”

“No one can make promises going into a relationship, Ery. It’s a gamble everyone takes, not knowing if or when it will end. How much it’ll hurt. But it’s a risk worth taking when you feel this way.” He gave me a little shake with a tender smile. “Do you know how rare it is to have this connection? I’ve never felt anything like it.”
“Me neither,” I whispered.

“Don’t you think that would get boring?” The right side of his lip curled.
“Boring?”
“Being with someone who likes everything you like? Who never challenges you to think about things in a different way? Try something new?”
I couldn’t help it, I leveled him with a flat stare. “Says you—who by your own admission—doesn’t like people.”
“I like people.” He poked at his mushrooms, moving them around his plate.
I snorted. “Fictional people.”
“They’re still people.”
“People you control.”
Now the right side of his mouth curved, and he gave me back his eyes. “I like control.”

‘“Over time. It is possible to know a person by observing them.”
“And what do you know about me? Through these powers of observation but no interaction.” What made someone likable to Byron Visser?
“You are a thoughtful, wickedly intelligent, strong, brave, sweet, extremely funny woman with excellent taste in books, music, and art, and a determination to always do what is right and good, even when it’s difficult.”
“Oh.” Well.
“You’re also foolishly kindhearted.”
I felt my expression wilt.
“And make choices that benefit others at the expense of yourself.”
Now I held up a hand. “You can stop.”
“Over and over, you do this. It’s maddening, to be someone on the sidelines, watching this happen—”
“Thanks, like I said, you can stop.”
He lifted his glass toward me in a careless gesture. “I doubt I’m the only person who thinks of you this way.”
“What? As a pushover?”
“No. As extraordinary.”
I gasped—short and sharp and silent—my lashes fluttering, and then found I had to chase my breath. There he went again, saying something wonderful right after being irritating. At times, talking to him was like riding a roller coaster.’

‘But right now, there were no boundaries. There was only us. Raw and exposed. Honest and selfish and greedy for every inch of each other, for every light and dark place, for every secret ambition. And I gave in to it, to us. I surrendered and allowed myself to want all of him, to trust that he’d let me know if I crossed a line.’

“What does it feel like?” The question was a rough, halting whisper and his features told me he was greedy for my answer.
I cupped his jaw again, enjoying the sensation of his perpetually stubbly cheek against my palm. “It feels like you snuck past my defenses when I wasn’t looking, Byron Visser. You were simply yourself and I had no choice but to love you. That’s what it feels like.”

‘She put her arms around my neck. “Are you saying that right now because you want to have more sex?”
“Yes.” I kissed her lips. “But I also mean it. What looks like a six to you might appear as a nine to me. It’s just a different perspective. Both things can be true.”
“You’re such a math nerd,” she teased.
“I also like the numbers six and nine.”
She laughed as I kissed my way down her neck. “I suppose both things can be true.”’

“Don’t let anybody make you feel bad about that,” he said with the cocky assurance he always had. “People always think they know how everyone else should live their lives and make their choices, because that’s the way they did it. But it’s bullshit. There’s no one right way to do things—it’s all right in the end, as long as it gets you where you want to go. The journey looks different for everybody, and it should.”

“At the risk of sounding a little crazy, my mom taught me that there are all kinds of soul mates—past-life soul mates, kindred spirits, soul ties . . . She thinks there are certain people you just feel a deep, extraordinary connection with, and it transcends time and place as we know it.”
“I believe that,” I whispered, remembering how it had felt like I’d known him from the first time I saw him.
“So think of this as a symbol of that connection. Because even though we aren’t getting married, you are the person I cherish most, someone I will always want in my life.

‘I could picture it—life unfolding in a series of days, some good, some bad, but all of them worth living, because she was mine and I was hers and we would always have each other.’

“I don’t need your help.”
I shook my head. “Why are you so stubborn?”
“Why are you so bossy?”
“Because it’s fun.”

“Fuck,” he growled. “This could get out of control really easily.”
“I don’t care,” I panted. “Let it.”
“You’re sure? You drank a lot of wine kind of fast, and I don’t—”
“Gianni.” I thumped his ass with my heel. “Don’t fuck this up a second time. You’re never going to have this chance again.”
“You’re not drunk? You really want this?”
“I’m not drunk.” I lifted my head and stroked his bottom lip with my tongue. “And I really want this.”
“Sex can ruin a friendship, you know.”
“Then it’s a good thing we’re not friends.”

“If I give in to you again, you’ll hold it over me for the rest of my life. You’ll remind me constantly that I couldn’t resist you, and then I’m just like every other girl you’ve ever been with.”
“Ellie, for God’s sake.” With my palm still covering her breast, I kissed my way down the curve of her neck to her shoulder. “You’re nothing like any girl I’ve ever been with. And I don’t want you to give in just because I wore down your resistance.”
“No?” Her breath was coming faster.
“No. I want you to give in because it’s what you want. Because it will feel good. Because even though we’re total opposites and not friends and I love giving you a hard time, you know I will always have your back.” I tugged her shoulder, rolling her toward me so we were face to face. “Our history might not be perfect, but it goes back a long way.”
“It does,” she whispered.
I pushed her hair off her forehead. “And you matter to me.” “Okay. That’s enough.”

“Stop.” Gianni reached for my hands. “I’ve always believed in following my gut, and in the past, yes—that’s meant moving around, changing things up, looking for that next adventure. But life led me to you, Ell. And my gut is telling me what we have is better than the rush of a new thing. Maybe you and I will be the greatest adventure yet.”

“I guess even selfish assholes have better manners than me.”
She smiled. “I guess so. But it’s okay, because I’m not looking for a boyfriend this time, remember?”
“That’s right.” I recalled what she’d said last night. “You’re in rehab for your love addiction.”
“Exactly. So you can go right ahead and rip my clothes and pin me down and say all kinds of filthy things to me.”
I growled again, gripping her sides. “Don’t tempt me, little girl.”
“I’m serious.” She slid her palms to the back of my neck. “You can do all that and more, but don’t call me baby, don’t start believing in happily ever after, and definitely don’t bring me any more Frostys.”
“Never? Not even on your birthday?”
She shook her head. “Especially not on my birthday. Because then I would have to grow old with you, and neither of us wants that.”

Before I got there, she called out. “Hey, Dex?”
“Yeah?” I turned around, terrified she was going to ask me if I wanted to come in and knowing I’d say yes.
She was leaning out her doorway, a playful grin on her face. “I had fun tonight.”
“Me too.” And then I relaxed, because I knew what was coming.
“But I don’t love you.”
I grinned back. “I don’t love you either.”

“Thanks.” He watched as Whitney lifted Luna down and helped Hallie into the saddle. “I don’t usually spill my guts about that stuff.”
“I know. You just grunt and go about your business.”
He elbowed me and stayed close enough that our arms remained touching. “I was trying to say something nice to you.”
“You were?” I feigned surprise. “I must have missed it.”
“I was working up to it.”
“Keep working.”
He nudged me again. “It’s easy to talk to you. You make it easy. Somehow.”
I smiled, my heart swelling at the compliment. “Thanks.”

“Don’t go yet.”
“Why?” He threw a pillow at me.
“Because I’m not done messing with you.”
Laughing, I scooped up the pillow and brought it back to the bed. “I thought maybe it was against our rules to stay over.”
“Listen,” he said, taking my arm and pulling me under the covers. “Ogres don’t follow any fucking rules. When they want a princess in their bed, they just grab one.”
“Any one?”
“Their favorite one,” he clarified, flipping me beneath him. “And my favorite happens to be Princess Minnie.”

‘An exhausting grief swept over me as I stared at this man I’d loved but no longer trusted, at least in the way I had before. “So I suppose you’re right … you don’t deserve me because everyone deserves someone who loves them through everything. Through anything. And maybe it’s an impossible wish, but I want to be loved by someone who would die before deliberately hurting me.”’

‘My gaze caressed that aquiline profile I knew as well as I knew my own face. I wanted to reach out and touch him. I wanted to forgive the past and throw myself into his arms and kiss every inch of his mouth and taste him on my tongue and drown in all the love that still existed within me for him. The love that swam through my blood like millions of tiny pieces of metal filled with atoms seeking their northern poles and knowing they could only find them within Mac.’

‘I took in her face, and everything in me went calm and still, the chaos inside finally slotting into place like a puzzle, its restlessness fizzling out with relief. She’d caught the sun these past few weeks, freckles glowing on her cheeks and sprinkled across her nose, her skin a soft golden tone. It made her eyes an even paler blue. Arro was beautiful, but beyond the kind of beautiful you experience when you look at an attractive person. She was beautiful to me in a way that burst from the inside out. The kind of beauty that caused this rising, aching sensation. The kind of beauty that reminded me why life was worth living.
Fuck, I loved this woman.’

‘My stomach dropped. “All right,” I replied. “Does that mean you don’t want to give me a chance?”
Tears brightened her eyes as she tugged her hand from mine. “I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of walking away from this, but I’m also scared that if I give you a chance, I might realize I can’t trust you, and then I’ve just messed you about.”
“Arro.” I grabbed for her hand again, holding it tight between both of mine. “Let me take that risk. I’m willing to take it. Just try … We’ll go on dates, we’ll spend time together, we’ll see how it goes. And if you decide after that, you don’t want to be with me, I’ll abide by it. No questions, no pushing you. I just want a chance.”
Her mouth, swollen from my kisses, trembled. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Heart pounding, I answered hoarsely, “Any time I get to be with you—a day, a week, a few months—it’ll be worth it. I’d rather have a moment with you than nothing at all. It’ll last me a lifetime.”
Arro’s eyes turned smoky with tenderness and desire. “Sometimes you say the most perfect things, Mackennon Galbraith.”’