Like, everything I say is really important, and therefore every question I ask is really important, but this is especially so. It is integral to my understanding of the world around me, and also books and also Goodreads.
Is there a single person who gave this book over 3 stars and has read Ready Player One?
Seriously. This book is a C-, young adult, romance-y, boring, poorly-built version of Ready Player One. With better diversity.
I was always worried about this book literally just straight up being Ready Player One. Just kidding that is completely a lie. I was always super full-on hoping this book was going to be an absolute imitation of that one, because that book is amazing and I miss it all the time and I would like every book I read to be just like it please and thanks.
What I should have been worried about, and am now furious over (if furious means “just vaguely disappointed because I have hated so many books I’ve been excited for that an overwhelming numbness has taken over what used to be the anger factory that is my emotions”), is that this book would be a lesser, watered-down, poorly done version of that book.
I will back up for a moment.
Warcross takes place in the future. (How quaint.) There’s an augmented reality gaming type deal (wish I could tell you more) called Warcross (surprise! Title!). Everybody is super into it. To play, you wear a pair of glasses that overlay the interface into your actual brain.
If this sounds at all familiar, you have probably encountered the synopsis of a lil book called Ready Player One at some point or another.
Specifically, Warcross (book not game) is about this gal named Emika, who is a bounty hunter in New York City. This should be cool, and is instead something we hear about for roughly 5 pages. To compare, we hear exponentially more about Emika’s ramen stash (she tells us how many boxes she has seemingly upwards of one thousand times), her urine-scented hovel of an apartment building, and her rainbow hair.
WE ARE REMINDED SO CONSTANTLY THAT EMIKA HAS RAINBOW HAIR THAT I THINK THE AUTHOR MUST HAVE CONSCIOUSLY CHOSEN TO INSERT A DESCRIPTION OF IT EVERY TIME SHE WONDERED WHETHER EMIKA SHOULD HAVE A SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAIT. Just, Nah. She doesn’t need both a personality AND cool hair. How rad can one person be?
There’s that comforting burn of anger! You guys. We’re doing it.
Okay. So on top of being a bounty hunter, rainbow-haired, AND ramen-possessing (what a jack of all trades), Emika is also totally amazing at all things computer-related. She hacks! (We have no idea what goes into hacking beyond the oft-used description, I pulled up a window and typed a few lines of code, but sure!) She is really good at Warcross! (We only get one actual scene of an actual game of Warcross, but yeah, okay!) She can try to steal an expensive power-up from an internationally-broadcast game watched by hundreds of millions of people and instead just broadcast her image to all of them! (I don’t get why this is impressive rather than a somewhat sloppy and definitely ill-advised attempt at theft, but sounds good!)
Emika is so talented and brilliant and rainbow-haired that she is hired by Hideo, the young, dashing, unbelievably boring creator of Warcross. Now, she’s a bounty hunter who is also a hacker who is also playing in the international tournament of an augmented reality game! Doesn’t that sound interesting?
Don’t get excited. It is not interesting.
Unless your idea of interesting is the two most boring people in the mapped universe falling gushily in love with each other, except worse. Because Emika constantly has to sneak in order to squeeze in more of these gazing-into-each-other’s-Warcross-lens-wearing-eyes moments.
It is stressful to read about. It is also a constant reminder that she is physically exiting what could be an interesting plotline in favor of horrific, cavity-inducing romance over and over. And over. And over. And over again.
I really do not even understand what Warcross is. It’s called a game a lot, but it seems like it might be a version of reality wherein gaming is an option? I don’t know how often the characters of this book are in-game versus in life. I don’t know what the in-life body looks like while the brain is in-game. I thought that Emika was physically traveling to all these places, but at one point towards the end it’s just like, “The screen faded to black and I was back in my hotel room,” and I was all, WAIT WAS SHE IN HER HOTEL ROOM THE WHOLE TIME?
I have no answers. Because the world-building in this book is terrible.
Even if I give the author the benefit of the doubt and say she was trying to seamlessly weave in the world-building (admirable!), there is still no excuse for this. Warcross is so confusing that it hurts my brain. Not because it is a really complicated world, but because it is NEVER EXPLAINED. I don’t get how I could like this setting, because I don’t know what it is.
Which leads me back to the question that started this review. HAVE YOU GUYS NOT READ READY PLAYER ONE? If you had, there is no way you would be so heavy into this game. (IS IT A GAME.) It is millennia behind the description and comprehensibility and interesting-ness of the sometimes-game of that book. (SEE? I KNOW IT’S A SOMETIMES-GAME.)
So we’ve covered the crap world-building. We’ve covered the awful romance, although I could scream about that for 8 more pages and am merely rescuing you from the fate of hearing me read about it. What else, what else.
Ah, yes! This book is so boring that it makes watching paint dry seem like a fun way to spend a Saturday afternoon. It makes BBC miniseries focusing on the vie quotidienne of the 19th century seem concerningly wild. It makes Hideo seem like a pre-engagement Prince Harry. Like, back when he used to be naked all the time, and in Las Vegas and stuff.
This book is non-online clickbait. It pulls you in with the talk of virtual reality, and gaming, and the future, and sci-fi, and bounty hunters, and all that fun stuff, and then it spends the entirety of its 368 pages finding new creative ways to beat all of that with rocks and spears and sharp things until it is so dry your eyes will stream silent tears.
For example. Even though this book allegedly takes place over the course of a massive, huge-deal, très competitive Warcross tournament that is so blindingly entertaining that hundreds of millions of people tune in for what is cumulatively dozens of hours of watching other people play video games, WE ONLY TRULY SEE ONE ACTUAL TYPICAL GAME.
This is the best scene in the book, by far, yes, but it is roughly 20 pages of what I thought all 368 would be. This scene doesn’t even come until, like, the halfway point. And from there until the end, it’s all boring, nondescriptive insertions of Emika doing stuff that is not as cool as Warcross, and romance. And more romance. And more romance.
Also the “big reveals” of this book are either a) revealed in the very beginning (I was actually like, There’s no way, she’ll find out it’s someone else, it’s way too early - but nope) or dropped like huge bombs and then completely left there.
You guys! This book is so bad.
That being said, I’ll almost definitely read the next one.
Bottom line: Just...just do yourself a favor and read Ready Player One instead.
------------ pre-review
Have I been pranked?
Did someone give me a different book called Warcross? Have all of you pretended to love this one? Is there an included supplementary text on the world that I missed out on? Does my version somehow contain a mega-expanded first half and a minimized second?
I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer to all of these questions is no.
And if so...this book was Not Great.
Review to come
------------ currently-reading updates
IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING.
------------ tbr review
I want this so badly that I've been daydreaming about illegally downloading it.
Okay. Okay okay okay. So. This book, I would say, is the following mix: video games + ’80s culture + sci-fi + semi-dystopia + general nerdiness. Excluding the latter, I am not interested in any of those things.
BUT DAMN IF I DIDN’T LOVE THIS BOOK.
Okay. I’m sorry. I’m trying to calm myself down enough to write a review.
Was this book perfect? No. Sometimes it was dumb, or confusing, or slow, or overly complex, or not complex enough. But it still deserves five stars. MORE THAN FIVE STARS. Immediately after finishing this review, I’ll be penning a handwritten letter to Goodreads to ask for a sixth star. Like a super-like, or what I imagine a super-like is as someone who doesn’t use Tinder and never will. I’M GETTING VERY DISTRACTED.
[image]
So in this book, it’s, like, fifty years in the future, or something. The world has gone to utter sh*t (not hard to believe, eh?) and in order to cope, the majority of people immerse themselves in a virtual-reality experience called the OASIS. It was invented by this guy, James Halliday, who just up and DIED and left the sickest technological scavenger hunt ever thought of behind. And the winner? Gets the company and TWO HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS. It’s like the darkest, most futuristic version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Though unfortunately fewer delicious descriptions of food. But still, I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I’ll try to cool it on the caps lock.
[image]
So...y’all know I love a good setting, and this one is just amazing. There’s something about immersive video games as a setting that I just am obsessed with. I read some book in middle school that was kind of similar and it was SO GREAT. For someone who doesn’t game at all I am very into reading about it.
God, I wish I didn’t have to leave this worldddddd. Give me 11 more books in it. Wait, the author has another book, right?! IS IT SIMILAR?!!! Oh man. Okay. Sorry, I’m still just very hype.
[image]
There was a lotttt of worldbuilding. Like, a LOT a lot. Pages and pages of it and a time. And the most information-heavy passages you can imagine. I didn’t mind it, because I was so flipping fascinated by this book that, if given some sort of magical opportunity I would have moved into it in a hot Texas minute, but still. It’s not exactly seamless.
So that could kind of slow down the plot a little, but again, I NEVER MINDED ONCE. It’s a little hard to settle in, because the book will be goddamn molasses for like 50 pages and then SUDDENLY BREAKNECK SPEED EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING PEOPLE COULD DIE YOU’D BETTER READ AS FAST AS YOUR EYES CAN SKITTER ACROSS THIS TEXT BABY and then that’d be over in a dozen pages and it’d be moreeee slownesssss. But I’d read Cline’s grocery lists if they were set in the OASIS, so IT’S ALL SUNSHINE OVER HERE.
[image]
In terms of characters, we have a handful of main ones. I really, really, really, super-love our narrator, Wade. He’s wicked smart and super nerdy and knows so much about everything. I would like to curl up inside of his head for forever, please and thanks. (Especially since his life is so goddamn interesting.)
I do have some complaints, though. It’s still me.
[image]
For example, Wade is the only character I really feel any sort of way about. Except for Halliday, who I love, but he doesn’t count. He’s dead. There’s also Aech (who is fine), Daito and Shoto, I think (who are also fine), and Art3mis, who sucks, but in a semi-harmless way.
Well, except for one thing. Yes, folks, you may have guessed it: This book includes a forced, uncomfortable, unnecessary, boring ROMANCE. (Boooooo! We hate you, unnecessary romance! shouts the crowd.)
This totally deducted from my enjoyment of the book - not enough to make me not love it, obviously, but significantly still - and I just was so MAD. Why did that have to be included? We get it, nerds deserve love too. Obviously. But does the odyssey of losing his V-card need to play such a big role in Wade’s story, when everything else going on is so goddamn interesting? Ugh. So vanilla, when everything about this book was the total opposite of that. Not chocolate, though. The analogy wouldn’t track, since vanilla > chocolate.
[image]
Anyway. What else, what else...Oh yeah. One last thing. The ending lowkey sucked in comparison to the rest of the book. It was kind of choppy and rushed. A lot of loose ends were left, IMO. It makes sense, kinda, since there were SO many ends to be tied, but still. It didn’t feel concluded. I have no sense of what happened to the characters or the world.
Also, I expected more of a Moral. Like, an Aesop’s-fables type. Because this book follows a dystopian society attempting to escape from the repercussions of, well, our irresponsible actions through a video game. IMO again, but that doesn’t feel like the sickest possible solution. A few times characters will point out that the OASIS isn’t ~really life~, but no real impact is made by the end. I don’t know. I expected more.
BUT I STILL ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS BOOK. No book can be perfect, and this wasn’t, but I loved it so much. I miss reading it already.
Bottom line: I don’t care WHO you are, this book is sosososo fun and great and you should read it right now. Now, I say!...more
Hey, Tommy Wallach, Urban Dictionary called! They want to know if they can use the entirety of this book as the example of their definition of “mansplHey, Tommy Wallach, Urban Dictionary called! They want to know if they can use the entirety of this book as the example of their definition of “mansplaining”!
[image]
If you don’t like that one, I also considered this: Tommy, my man, Ayn Rand called! She wants to congratulate you on using fiction as a vehicle for your beliefs even more than she did with f*cking Atlas Shrugged!
Hi, babes. I’m pissed.
When I read the first dozen-or-so pages of this book, I was thrilled. I almost unhauled this book and then figured I might as well give it a shot. From the get-go I loved Wallach’s writing style (and by style I mean word choice, NOT CONTENT, bleh) and I thought there was some promise to the premise. (Lol.) (It's funny because those words are really close to each other.)
Oh my god, I thought. Did I almost donate a book I’ll end up giving 5 stars?
The answer to that? [image]
Many of you know that the second I take out my teeny book-review notebook, I’m about to be one angry reader. This case was far from an exception. Here’s a list of the general categories of what Bugged me with a capital B: -coverage of social issues (especially race, sexism; also including LGBT+) -characters (specifically the female ones) -choice of genre -pacing -and, as always, general stupidity
I am not even talking about the cover - although actually, let’s take a second to talk about the cover. LOOK AT THIS COVER! This book is so beautiful.
I am not even talking about the cover - although actually, let’s take a second to talk about the cover. LOOK AT THIS COVER! Are you seeing it? So lovely. So so pretty. Looooook aaaaaaattttt itttttttt.
Okay, now that we’ve done that.
This book is so beautiful.
I don’t know what I expected. I honestly don’t really know why I picked this up, besides the aforementioned pretty-cover thing. I’m not a huge sci-fi person. I’m definitely not a huge post-apocalyptic dystopian person. (We all lived through the time when YA just seemed like different iterations of the exact same dystopian plotline. Like, were there not at least two years in which every YA book was the Hunger Games and Divergent under a different title, but somehow increasingly bland? Anyway.)
I don’t know what tempted me to pick this up, but good golly am I glad I did. (And good golly am I sorry I just used the term “good golly.”)
Because, again, this book is so, so beautiful.
It’s gorgeously written. Every time I stumble across a beautifully written book, I feel so lucky about it. It’s hard to stumble upon truly lovely prose, and I certainly never expected it from an Apocalypse Book, but holy sh*t is it what I received. The writing is enchanting.
It’s also gorgeously characterized. There are a lot of characters in this book, many of whom are introduced all at once, and many of whom get very little coverage in the book. But somehow……..none of them feel flat. They’re not easy to confuse with one another. Somehow, without your noticing, this book will get you to care about a dozen or so people. (And they really feel like people.)
And its themes are gorgeous, too. I can’t imagine anyone coming out of this story and not feeling newly in love with life and with the world. Civilization just seems so wondrous after this. I looked at so many commonplace things in a whole new light.
This book is sad, and lovely, and exciting, and slow, and true, and earnest, and caring, and sweet, and cruel, and real, and above all it is so, so beautiful.
Bottom line: Everything about this is an unexpected gift.
---------------- pre-review i am Overwhelmed by Beauty and Meaning and Good Things and there is simply no way i can really rate this at this time, let alone review it.
review (& final rating) to come, when i've redeveloped some semblance of personhood
---------------- tbr review
honestly can't believe i've waited so long to read a book with a cover this pretty...more
1.35/5 (The .35 is out of pity for how I didn’t finish this.)
A day and a half ago, I was telling you all I didn’t want to DNF it. Now, I’m DNFing it.
I1.35/5 (The .35 is out of pity for how I didn’t finish this.)
A day and a half ago, I was telling you all I didn’t want to DNF it. Now, I’m DNFing it.
If you’re familiar with my (work in progress) 2016 favorites shelf, you’re aware that a lovely little number called Wolf by Wolf is featured in it. That book is so great. (If you’re not familiar: 1. It’s YA and a hypothetical historical fiction, exploring a different scenario in which the Axis powers won World War II and also centering on a badass global motorcycle race; and 2. Pick. It. Up.) If you are familiar, you may know that the sequel came out earlier this week. It is one of my most anticipated reads of the year. I am unbearably excited and continually checking my Amazon shipping status.
If you’re wondering why I’m yammering on about this duology, it’s because they’re by the same author. I’ve been anticipating reading this book for a long time but I’ve saved it for the final pre-sequel stretch, both to stave off my crippling enthusiasm and to remind me why I loved the book.
Here’s the thing, though. I hated this book.
The characters were flat, the writing was mediocre to rough, and--worst flaw of all when compared to Wolf by Wolf--this shindig was goddamn boring.
Also, what the hell genre is this? Unless an entire history from today until when this book takes place was revealed in the last stretch, I see no reason to believe this is a dystopia. If it’s fantasy, it’s the lamest fantasy ever. Things like Styrofoam and Gucci exist?! So uncreative. Bleh.
I had to stop reading because this was killing my excitement, and I refuse to allow for that to happen. This was making me question just how creative Graudin’s concept of hypothetical history was. She wrote it, of course, half a century after The Man in the High Castle was published, and likely in the wake of a renewal of that story’s readership when the Amazon series was announced. (God, what a great series.)
Anyway. So goes a DNF. I hate doing this, guys, mainly because it makes me feel unqualified to complain. But…
Bottom line: I found this book silly, confusing, flat, uncreative and boring, as well as an excitement-killing monster. Nope, nope, nope-ity nope....more
pros: easy to read, fun to read, i found myself slightly caring about a few of the characters by the end.
cons: sometimes unbearably cheesy/cliché/evenpros: easy to read, fun to read, i found myself slightly caring about a few of the characters by the end.
cons: sometimes unbearably cheesy/cliché/even nonsensical, not a fan of the writing style (it's poorly written in my opinion, more so than cass's other books, but i have no intention of undermining the opinion of others), spent the large majority of the book not caring about the outcome or anyone involved in the story.
the best part of the second-book-in-a-trilogy curse is when it's so disappointing that 6 years can pass and you realize that never once in that whole the best part of the second-book-in-a-trilogy curse is when it's so disappointing that 6 years can pass and you realize that never once in that whole time did you ever even consider reading the third book.
part of a series i'm doing in which i review books i read a long time ago, very half-heartedly...more
eadlyn was a brat. i feel guilty for my complaints about america in the early parts of the selection trilogy (i consider this book separate) because seadlyn was a brat. i feel guilty for my complaints about america in the early parts of the selection trilogy (i consider this book separate) because she is so profoundly better than eadlyn. all i can hope for is more of that cass character development, since heaven knows i'll read any book with the words "the selection" slapped on it....more
the worst thing that can happen to you is liking a book fine, then letting years pass, then remembering there are sequels.
what do i do here?! do i drthe worst thing that can happen to you is liking a book fine, then letting years pass, then remembering there are sequels.
what do i do here?! do i drop everything and restart? do i keep ignoring it and pretend nothing happened? am i physically capable of leaving a series unfinished?
help.
part of a series i'm doing in which i review books i read a long time ago, but it's more of a cry for help usually. of the literal and the figurative varieties...more
I hate to say it, but...it appears humanity peaked in 2014.
Sure, it was before a lot of important things happened (like me being active on Goodreads, I hate to say it, but...it appears humanity peaked in 2014.
Sure, it was before a lot of important things happened (like me being active on Goodreads, or me trying Kraft Mac and Cheese Spirals for the first time, or other historic me-centered events), but consider also: in 2014 we were allowed to leave our houses.
Bliss.
Also, books like this were the peak of literature.
On the one hand, bummer, because this is not a very good read, but on the other hand, don’t you wish you could go back to a time when all you needed was a love triangle and a vaguely dystopian narrative to have a good time?
I want to go back to when this book would have been fun for me. Instead of feeling like a low-level punishment in a post-apocalyptic society where the only literature is 78% girl hate and 22% half-hearted character development to try to make up for it.
Sigh.
But I mean...who among us can’t relate to the universal experiences of being a teen relayed in this book?
Like when you have four girlfriends whose entire life purpose is being constantly available to you until you fall in love with them and/or decide they’re the best strategic choice for a life partner.
Or when you’re not like other girls because all the cool girls think petty theft deserves public humiliation followed by lifetime imprisonment, but YOU’RE like um maybe just an exorbitantly long time in jail?? #quirky
Or when you have a secret second boyfriend but get mad because your other boyfriend had a crush in childhood he didn’t tell you about.
Or when you decide to spend a summer afternoon doing some light diplomacy at a tea party. Just for sh*ts and giggles.
We’ve all been there, you know?
While this book is very dumb (and that’s basically a fact at this point), it’s not horrible or grueling to read or anything.
But sometimes it is SO FRUSTRATING.
Like. 46% of America’s personality is that she’s poorer and less privileged than everyone else, but girl that does not come up when she can’t be “bothered” to talk to her maids or orders them around. It’s really gross to read imo.
Also, the previous books in this series are legitimately TEEMING, swamplike, with more girl hate than you can possibly imagine, and when there’s finally one (1) moment where all the girls are hangin’ out and getting along...Maxon interrupts.
Which, gag me with a spoon.
But then when he apologizes for interrupting (good, it’s a bad thing you’re here, Maxon, with all the charisma of the end piece of a loaf of bread), the girls say...wait for it...that his presence actually is what made it amaaaaazing.
Excuse me, I have to cringe for a month and a half.
Bottom line: Why did I reread this series? I don’t know! See you when I reread and rant about the spinoffs.
------------ pre-review
sweet relief
review to come / 2 stars
------------ currently-reading updates
starting where i left off in this book when i last picked it up 2 years ago just to feel alive
------------ reread updates
3 years ago, i began a reread of this series that promptly went so terribly i stopped, presumably forever.
but i'm a glutton for punishment and having this high rating on my shelves is bugging me so. let's finish what we started....more
The pitch for this reanimated corpse of a sequel must have been like, "Ok, so it's global bestseller The SeSweet holy lord. This goddamn book, my guy.
The pitch for this reanimated corpse of a sequel must have been like, "Ok, so it's global bestseller The Selection, except immediately THROW AWAY any traces of entertainment or cuteness or fun. We don't need it. Oh, more? Okay. Um. Keep the love triangle stuff. Actually, you know what? Make that TWO love triangles. Fangirls love that, probably, based on my semi-offensive one-dimensional view of the average YA reader, who is only in it for fictional depictions of total babes. Except hold the babe status. Make them annoying. You know what? Make EVERYONE annoying. And get rid of the plot."
Spoiler alert: I WASN'T INTO IT.
But most importantly, yes, you heard me. Not one, but TWO love triangles.
Sidenote: terrible overdone "spoiler alert" joke aside, this review will truly have nothing but spoilers. A spoiler frenzy. Teeming, spilling, drowning with and in spoilers. Prepare accordingly.
The main point of drama in this book is that America’s (our protagonist, not our failing nation) BFF for no reason, Marlee (in the future, everyone has a normal name but with a funky spelling change) is discovered gettin’ her sexy on with a guard. Which, because the girls are officially the ~property of their dumb-named country, Illéa~ (don’t get me started on either count), is illegal.
Woohoo! Awesome! Ya girl (or technically ya girl's girl) and her side-bae-who-just-became-bae get whipped. Not the, like, oh-they-love-each-other-and-actually-respect-one-another's-opinion-when-making-decisions-how-wild kind of whipped, but actually literally whipped. Like, with a whip and everything. The whole nine yards. Very chill and fun!
Here’s the thing about that. America is ALSO having a side-bae fling with a guard (this book even steals storylines from itself). But her choice is legit just between Aspen (said guard and also the most annoying and least attractive individual on the face of the earth) and Maxon (the almost-king who used to be hot and is now a whiny baby). Like, she's just constantly pondering HOW she can make the INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT choice between two rich hotties. While hundreds of people in her country die and millions live in poverty. But what I'm trying to say is SHE HAS A CHOICE.
Like, if she chose to leave the Selection, she could just marry Aspen. And it’d be fine. I don’t even think they’d lose their ranks. (People getting socioeconomic caste assignments is pretty much the only change from current-day America to this dystopian America. And by "America," this time I mean the country, not the incredibly illogical name choice.) At first she doesn’t leave because she wants that moneyyyy honeyyyy, but then she’s all, Maxon is totally hot!!!!! I’m going to show my feelings by being jealous and petulant and mean and stupid for the remainder of the series!!!!
But all of this is to say, Marlee could have literally left at any point and just gotten it on with Carter (her less-horrible-but-somehow-even-more-boring version of Aspen) until the end of time. No exile, no stripping-of-caste, no public!!! whipping!!!
This book is dumb.
Another fun trope we get is that thing of an inexplicably evil girl. Like, just some teen who is more villainous than any YA fantasy bad guy. Which, don't get me wrong, a teenage-girl evil genius sounds AMAZING to me (book idea? filing it away), but not! like! this! If I read about one more girl who is evil just for the sake of bringing down other girls I am going to lose it!! (What small amount of "it" I've managed to hold onto.)
But the second requirement of this horrific unoriginality is that the mean girl MUST be instantly, stupidly, with-no-reason-or-explanation-ly redeemed in the next book. (Next-book spoilers, I guess, but really it’s all very predictable.)
In this book, our resident meanie Celeste puts GLASS in someone’s SHOES. She BEATS her MAIDS. She is horrible to everyone around her!!! One, there is no one like this in the world, and two, WHY WOULD SOMEONE LIKE THIS BE REDEEMED JUST FOR GETTING SOMEWHAT HUMANIZED.
Guh.
Another amazing cliché that I love so much it is so near and dear to my heart: when characters say, "Oh, insert name here, you are SO FUNNY! Truly an Office-era Steve Carell or John Mulaney before controversy in terms of your consistent breadth of humor" when NOTHING. FUNNY. HAPPENED.
America isn't funny. Maxon is not funny. No person or moment in this book is funny or fun, because this series is where humor and entertainment and joy and amusement go to die, drowning in the vast dark oblivion of human suffering and hopelessness and terrible tropes.
There’s also some really fun dumb stuff in here, beyond even the amazing-ness of a purposeless public whipping.
So, like, a lot of this book focuses on a conflict perhaps - dare I say - even More Important than thirty girls competing for the affection of one wealthy asshat????
(I know. Really bold stance by me. I'm just speaking my truth.)
The maybe more-important thing: There are two separate rebel forces who NONSTOP attack the castle. It’s really cute honestly. The two lil gangs of pals take turns and somehow time it for whenever the current jealousy-based conflict within the castle is even dryer than it was when first introduced!!!
Anyway, one of the forces (one is creatively called “Northern rebels” and the other is artistically referred to as “Southern rebels” - no I do not remember which is which) is violent and the other is not.
There’s this amazing subplot where America and Maxon are like, “I think the not-as-meanies are looking for something!!!???” and their evidence includes such subtleties as torn-out drawers, books astray, papers searched through, and everything but a neatly printed letter from the nonviolence brigade stating their mission to find a thing, but everyone else is like DON’T FRET YOUR SILLY LITTLE HEADS YOU GOOFBALLS!!! YOU TWO GO PLAY!!!!! GO BE MAD AT EACH OTHER!!! MAKE EMMA'S HAIR TURN GRAY!!! (Did I not mention the frighteningly targeted breaking of the fourth wall?)
That’s not even what I’m desperately trying to overcome my own personality to get to, though.
When one of the rebel squads comes thru (I don’t even remember if it was Team War is Harmful to Children and Other Living Things or Team Let’s Nuke the Castle, but does it really matter), they paint threatening things on the wall.
I’m going to say that again.
They
Paint
Threatening
Things
On
The
Wall.
Hahahahahahaha.
This would already be funny just based off the fact that arts and crafts is rarely scary, even if the person doing it has a big knife in one hand and a Magic Marker in the other, but to clarify: These badasses carried paintbrushes and containers of mud and paint into the castle. There was a conversation wherein the head badass was all, Dear, sweet children of my heart, don’t forget your mud and paint! We want them to be really scared today! And it’d be so gross if you got stuff all on your hands so bring paintbrushes too, okay? Love you!
Oh, man.
Another really stupid thing is that Maxon entrusts America with a top-secret book about the founder of the new version of America (again the country, not the person - wow you could almost say her name is dumb) and he’s like, DON’T TELL ANYONE. NOT YOUR MAIDS. NOT YOUR FRIENDS. NOT EVEN YOUR F*CK BUDDY GUARD I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT.
So America does the logical thing and brings the diary onto national television.
Our little genius!
But my hatred of this book, beyond how dumb it is, comes down to three main things.
One, it is so boring. It is so boring that even clarifying why it is boring would be boring.
Two, I CANNOT OVERSTATE THE FACT THAT THERE ARE TWO LOVE TRIANGLES TWO OF THE WORST TROPE TWO COPIES OF A PLOTLINE LITERALLY NO ONE LIKES TWO RELICS STOLEN STRAIGHT FROM YA INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLERS RELEASED BEFORE 2010. Do you know what this also means? TWO CHARACTERS BEING JEALOUS OF EACH OTHER FOR THINGS THE OTHER ONE IS ALSO DOING AND LASHING OUT AT EACH OTHER EVERY DOZEN PAGES FOR AN ENTIRE BOOK. IT MAKES NO SENSE I PRAY FOR DEATH SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME OUT OF THIS LIFE OF SUFFERING.
And three: That fresh mother-f*ckin' girl hate. Would you like two quote-examples? Perfect, that's exactly the number I wrote down beyond the page number (too lazy and traumatized to look in the book).
One: “None of the other girls could have outrun them [them being the nice-guy rebels, who America actually didn’t truly outrun], I don’t think.”
Two: “You have to be able to see that under all that makeup, and the push-up bra is nothing but a girl who wants to manipulate you to get what she wants.”
Wait, hang on...oh my god, you guys. I just got a call...it's official. Yes. If you wear a flattering bra or a significant amount of makeup, it's clearly a disguise and it's not going to prevent you from landing on the National Register of Conniving Ditzes.
Personally, I'm turning my bras into fun hats and melting my mascara down for war paint.
Bottom line: (to the tune of the “bananas” part of Hollaback Girl) this book is bad, it’s bad, B-A-D-B-A-D bad!
-------------------- pre-review
HOW WAS THIS BOOK EVEN WORSE THAN THE FIRST ONE.
and how am I halfway through The One and finding it even worse than this?
review to come if I can ever pull myself together...more
ah i really enjoyed this! it's rare that i'll end up pretty much liking every character in a book. (okay. except ringer. i really, really didn't like ah i really enjoyed this! it's rare that i'll end up pretty much liking every character in a book. (okay. except ringer. i really, really didn't like ringer. not too sure why. sorry.) i don't think i'm going to go straight to the infinite sea but gosh i'm glad i found another series with potential! (i'm way too picky to not be pleasantly surprised by liking a book.)...more
last week or last month or 17 days ago or something like that (if time was ever real, it isn't anymore), the world celebrated the eighth anniversary olast week or last month or 17 days ago or something like that (if time was ever real, it isn't anymore), the world celebrated the eighth anniversary of the peak of cinema.
on november 20, 2013, the hunger games: catching fire was released, the universe shifted, and we all had to participate in the bittersweet acknowledgment that, even though it was kind of a bummer we would never get a better movie, perfection being achieved on film was pretty cool too.
in the wake of this global parade, i am ready to make a confession.
i saw this movie in theaters five times.
that's not the end of the confession.
i drank enough extra-large cherry cokes during those viewings to collect every variation on the plastic souvenir soda cup they gave you if you paid, like, $23. and i don't even know where those cups are now.
if i'd invested all that money in dumb stuff then, i'd be rich enough to hang out with those lizard-looking tech bros and finally achieve my dream (launching a low-level bullying campaign subtle and lengthy enough to destroy their self-confidence until they lose all their money and i have abolished the concept of a billionaire).
but seeing this movie 5 times on the big screen was a good consolation prize.
this is honestly a near-perfect book to me: it improves upon the concept of the first, it has an excellent romance, the background characters are fun and the protagonists are kind of annoying but only because you care about them, resulting in a fun little-sibling energy.
in my head, the hunger games series looks like this: - the lead up to this book - this masterpiece - nothing else
living in delusion is fun. y'all should try it sometime.
part of a series i'm doing in which i review books i read a long time ago, except this time i only got 2 hours of sleep last night, can you tell...more
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