**spoiler alert** On April 27, 2014, Sarah and I decided to buddy read Firelight. This is the real text conversation (edited for clarity) that chronic**spoiler alert** On April 27, 2014, Sarah and I decided to buddy read Firelight. This is the real text conversation (edited for clarity) that chronicled our painful journey.
Sunday, April 27 Sarah (S): I’m on pg 30. It’s okay, but I’m not wow’d…you? Rachel (R): In the same boat. I had to stop and put my ereader on the charger and wasn’t that torn up about it. LOL S: Haha! I got sleepy and put it on the nightstand … so same thing, in essence. :D S: I just get easily peeved when the characters don’t grab me. And these don’t. The hero’s insta-boner in the prologue turned me off right away. R: Dude, that had me rolling my eyes so hard. Attraction at first sight: natural. Boner at first sight: sex criminal. S: Lolz. But accurate. :P S: Pg 50-something now. Loooots of talky-talk & navel gazing by the hero. R: Fuck. R: This will make me doubt other reviewers now. At least I can trust you. :P S: I am hoping it will pick up in the plot department. But yeah … ditto. O.o S: Also re: insta-boner: personally, I’m attracted to guys with self control. Just cause they don’t bone up whenever the heroine sneezes or bats her lashes. S: …FFS. So lame. S: Dude, SOMETHING is putting me off this book. But I can’t put it into words. *scratches head* It’s something beyond the insta-boner, talky scenes, and Natalie Portman clone cover. Do you feel it too, or am I just grumpy? S: Oh, joy … series bait scene! Luncheon with Miranda and her 2 quirky sisters. -___- R: I’m wondering what could be worse – reading more of the book or having dinner with my in-laws like I just did. LOL R: And no, I don’t think you’re too grumpy The writing is okay but everything is a little too much, I think. S: I figured out 2 specifics, at least. 1) The hero and heroine are always monologuing about how they UNDERSTAND each other’s torments – which is really unbelievable because they don’t have any real relationship base. S: 2) I’m on pg 123 now and we have yet to see the heroine’s much-hinted-at fire powers. Slow build-up is one thing, but c’mon. Give me something, at least. These guys only have 1 book for their story.
Monday, April 28 R: OMG, the scene where he watches her eat is so fucking tedious. D: S: Wasn’t it? >__< I keep seeing reviews that prattle about the chemistry, but I don’t see it. At all. I don’t think half the reviewers would know ‘chemistry’ if it bit them on the behind. S: Just wait for the endless museum scene! You’ll be so thrilled. :D R: I DON’T WANNA! :P The blurb made me think this would be plot driven, but the blurb is a liar. S: ITA. >:( We should’ve been better prepared when we saw it was from Forever. But still. Not plot driven AT ALL. S: Even that ‘tard Draw Down the Darkness had more plot. It was stupid and made no sense, but at least things happened. R: Too much time is spent in their heads. I don’t have patience for that. Half the time, I get annoyed by MY head. S: Don’t you like your thoughts rattling around that ginormous raptor skull? :D S: But yes. Definitely. It’s the same boring “I love you but can’t tell you because I’m not good enough, but I still want you but I’m too dangerous for you” garbage as so many roms. FROM BOTH LEADS. S: Also, no sense of Victorian at all. It feels more Regency than anything else. *scowl* Mentioning your corset sixteen times doth not make it 1880s. >:( R: You’re right. The Victorian era has a very distinct feel to it, and the book fails to capture it. Even her trip to the jewel dealer seems straight out of a Regency. S: It’s a peeve of mine because there are so few genre roms that really feel Victorian even when they’re supposed to be. Urgh.
Tuesday, April 29 R: Holy shit. I think the sun will set and rise again before these assholes finally kiss. They’ve been building up to it for pages. D: R: And now they’re just touching tongues like a couple of freaks. WTF? S: LOLZ. That scene… I was like DA FUCK? S: I’m gonna make a massive push and try to finish that book by the end of my weekend. No sense prolonging the agony. R: I’m kind of disgusted by it. The dude who threw the dagger probably did it because he couldn’t stand their lame weirdness anymore. O.O S: Just wait for the alley scene that’s coming up. *facepalm* S: Hahaha! No doubt. That guy is the hero! Just like poor misunderstood Harry the Hippo. Reviewers note - See: Hand In Glove R: Ugh. At the rate I’m going, I’ll never finish this fast enough. I’ve read far worse, but this one annoys me. R: Harry the Hippo is a goddamn American hero! Bwahahaha! S: Ditto. I still can’t say exactly why. But though I’ve experienced much more pain, it’s just … blech. R: Maybe we’ll know by the end, or maybe our combined reviews will decode the answer. S: We can only hope our combined brain power is enough. O.o R: Maybe we should just post this text convo and be done with it. S: One thing I know: This “I love you but I’m not good enough for you so I’ll not love you even though I want to because I’m dangerous “ from BOTH LEADS… S: …it’s more than I can take. S: …actually, that’s not a bad idea! Bwaha. R: “Wah! I make fire but have so much control over it that I haven’t used the power on the page yet. Who can love such a monster??” R: And don’t even get me started on Archer and his jaunty mask. S: “And I don’t know anything about my magical power but I just somehow control it because reasons. Boohoo!” S: With the mask underneath his mask! Haha! And it’s only on half his face. He’s V for Vendetta AND Phantom of the Opera! *swoooon* R: At least make her a witch or bitten by a radioactive spider or something. Randomly being able to make fire because reasons is a lame superpower. R: If Archer tries to blow up the Parliament building while singing Music of the Night, we’ll know this is just a really clumsy fanfic. S: Yeah, mentioning this stupid power and never seeing it is such a lame bait and switch. I keep forgetting she’s even got the stupid pyro control or whatever. S: Dude, we WISH this was such clumsy fanfic. At least that would make it funnier.
Tuesday, April 29 R: How the hell did Archer finger Miranda in an alley if he was wounded? Should she be covered in his blood? WTF is wrong with these idiots? S: I hate all these people so much! The only one I don’t hate (yet) is werewolf Ian, but I’ll probably hate him too when he gets screentime. S: Am I crazy, or is this book getting worse with every new chapter?
Wednesday, April 30 S: Stop the presses! I passed the halfway mark … and Miranda FINALLY used her nonsensical fire-power! :O R: I haven’t even made it to werewolf Ian yet. *despairs* Was the use of her nonsensical fire power at least entertaining? S: Yes and no. She burned a guy alive – yes. But there’s no sense of reality about it because, again, no explanation or groundwork or anything. She just … does. *glower* R: Son of a bitch. -___- S: Werewolf Ian is a jackass, but at least he doesn’t wallow in boring, plotless angst with every appearance. Though he’s the hero for book 2 (OF COURSE), so I’m sure that will change … but I won’t be there to see it. :P S: I just finished yet another riveting soul-baring splooge. They lay on a bed in a dark room and held hands and talked about shit. JOY. >__< R: I can’t put into words how intellectually draining it was for me to read that scene in the alley. And then all the talking while she nursed him. Blah. S: OK, I also don’t hate the butler. Poor bastard, having to serve these 2 walking bags o’ angst. :P S: Dude. I know. It literally sapped my will to move. R: True. I wonder what Archer’s hiding under his half mask. It should be badass, like a beast face or something, but will probably end up being some wimpy little scar that gives him feels. S: Yeah. Either that or a vision of indescribable beauty. Something that bitchy ex-GF said made me wonder about the beauty thing. R: If that’s the case, you’ll find me dead of an ereader blow to the neck. :P S: Hahah. Baby Raptor will grow up strong and angry to have his revenge. S: Gee, do you suppose she’ll have to burn away his fugliness or evulness or whatever? NONSENSICAL FIRE-POWER ACTIVATE! R: He’s mentioned a curse. So I’m guessing there will be a dramatic Beauty and the Beast moment or whatever. S: No doubt. And what’s this stupid West Moon Club shit about? R: I think it’s some old Regency club Archer has with all those old dudes who are dropping dead. The curse must keep him young or something? S: Aah yeah, you’re probably right. So the killer – er, HERO – is some ostracized member who went loony. R: Why the hell are Miranda’s “loins” (my god, that word) tightening when she thinks about starting a fire? Is this like a pyromania fetish? O.o What a freak. Thursday, May 1 S: That’s what makes her so DARK and EDGY, dude! Don’t you know anything about awesome romances? ;) S: I’m at work and can’t finish Firelight! Oh noes! So sorry. Or not at all. R: Miranda just set a bunch of shit on fire without any consequences, and now Archer’s skulking around in a skull cap. I hate everything. S: You passed me! You lucky bint. :P S: …wait, a skull cap? *headdesk* R: Are you sure I passed you? I know you read the fire part, and this is just right after it. R: Yes, a skull cap. -___- S: Ooh. When they hold hands and cuddle? Yeah. I guess I blocked out the skull cap bit. >__< I’m on page 250 or something. S: Y’know, I was gonna give it 2 stars, but it’s gotten so crap I might have to reconsider. R: blah, I’m still stuck in the tedious scene between him and some dude talking about a ship. *is bored* S: I stopped after the scene where he fights with Werewolf Ian and opens the stupid ring. OMFG, that STUPID, STUPID RING.
Friday, May 2, 2014 S: Wow, that carriage wrecking scene was … words fail. I did bark with pained laughter, though. Probably not what the author intended. R: Oh, good. So now I have something more to (not) look forward to. :P R: Also, have I mentioned that I fucking HATE the way Archer call Miranda Miri AND Miranda Fair. DAFUQ is up with those nicknames? O.o S: I hate that, too. Jaysus, could they be more obnoxious?
Saturday, May 3 S: So I brought stupidass Firelight to work with me in hopes of chipping away at it, but I’ve been finding things to do instead. Lolz. R: Dude, I’ve been outright ignoring it ever since I hit the boring-as-fuck part where Archer goes hunting for something with Leland. R: In fact, I’ve been reading a book I read last year to pass the time. Bwahahaha! R: No DNFing, though. We’ve come too far to give up now. S: Nope, we will triumph!q I’m on page 260 now. Only 100 left to go.
Sunday, May 4 S: Okaaaay. Now there’s Roman soldiers and Egyptian demons involved. Da fuck. I can’t even deal with this book past midnight. S: Newsflash: This book so DUMB. I honestly had no idea it would be this bad. I didn’t expect to love it like all the happy-slappy 5 star reviews, but c’mon. I thought it would at least earn a 3! >:( R: It’s limping into a 1-star rating for me, and I’m still stuck on the part where he’s searching the totes secret club lair thing with Leland. S: I had to stop at the end of the scene where Archer and Leland find that stupid sword. I couldn’t deal anymore. R: It isn’t just boring. It’s AGGRESSIVELY boring. S: I think I hate every single character. Impressive! And the paranormal shit is just … SHIT.
Tuesday, May 6 S: OMFG, if I have to read ONE MORE instance of these people’s belabored breathing – his/her breath hitched/caught as pain/emotion/lust knifed/cut/speared through his/her heart/mind/soul – STFU. S: And let’s not forget all the inhaling/exhaling! Wheeeee! R: Every word in that book is an antidote to happiness. S: It burnssss! It burn us, preciousss! S: The Lord Archer Translator Device: delete whatever he says and fill the blank with “Derp, derp, beep, beep, OMG I AM SO FUCKING EMO, derp, beep, I WANNA BONE MIRANDA SO HARD, duuuuuur.”
Wednesday, May 7 S: I’M DONE. FUCK YOU, KRISTEN CALLIHAN. I AM TRIUMPHANT! R: So WTF, he’s turning into demon marble? *sighs heavily* R: Congrats on finishing it. I feel like I’ll never get there. R: Did I read it wrong, or did Miranda just discover that his dick is made of demon stone? Bah, I can’t. S: Nope, you read it right. I was like: o_O S: And I nearly tossed up my dinner when I read how HUGE he was going inside her, blah blah. R: Is she going to let that thing inside of her??? O_o R: I just read the part where he starts sobbing and had to quit for a minute because -___- S: Yeah. Yeah, she is. Incredibly stupid as it sounds. S: LOL. OMG, I forgot about that! R: Question you probably won’t know the answer to: Wouldn’t his demon stone peen be hard ALL THE TIME? S: You’d think that, right? But it wasn’t discussed. Miranda doesn’t as. All she does is wank on and on about his MOONSTONE FLESH. R: LOL @ moonstone flesh. I’d blocked that out. S: Oh, it comes back later. No worries. :D You haven’t gotten to the finale yet. R: Shit.
Saturday, May 10 R: I finally finished the fucking book. D: S: Yaaaaaaaay! We have triumphed! Now eat some chocolate and celebrate. S: How was the final confrontation? Was it everything you dreamed of? Haha! R: Calling it “dumb” would be unfair to dumb things.
**spoiler alert** Please believe me. I didn't purchase this book expecting a great story, but I needed something to read to distract me from the unfin**spoiler alert** Please believe me. I didn't purchase this book expecting a great story, but I needed something to read to distract me from the unfinished backlist I have piling up on my Nook. I figured it would be a fast read, that there might be some angelic badassery and a little angelic sex and a happy ending. What I didn't expect was to quit the damn thing 2/3rds through. I didn't expect the visceral anger and the burning desire to growl out the words, "Fuck you SO HARD, book!" Alas, my husband was in my presence when I reached the point in the story where I wanted to kill everything, so I kept my mouth shut. But I wanted to say it. I also want to burn the memory of the utter crap I just read from my mind, but that's impossible because (1) I feel a responsibility to warn my GR friends far, far away and (2) some things need to be bitched about. So here goes.
WARNING: PROFANITY AND SPOILERS AHEAD!
SUMMARY: Two thousand years ago, God - or the Old Man, as characters call him - gifted his four favorite archangels with girl angels called archesses. For being super loyal and the totes best angels in all the heavens, Michael, Gabriel, Azrael and Uriel each got a soul mate to - I don't know - make sweet angel babies on clouds with or something. Unfortunately, before the archangels could "claim" their prizes (the book's word, not mine), a gang of jealous angels fucked the works up and caused the archesses to be cast from Heaven to Earth. Furious at the loss of their new toys, the four favored archangels fell to earth to search for their archesses. Two thousand years later, Uriel finally finds his lady in a bathroom. Yeah, Avenger's Angel really amps up the romance.
Eleanore Granger has no idea she's an archess. But of course! If a woman knew something, even the tiniest thing, in this book, the whole world would come to an end. She knows she has special powers, like the ability to heal others and telekinetic skills. Since humans are freaking awful, Eleanore's spent the better part of her 25 years dodging shady government vehicles containing men in suits with nefarious collections of needles. Uriel meets Eleanore as his human alias, Christopher Daniels, the sexiest goddamn movie star in the whole world. He comes onto Eleanore fast and hard, but she's unsure about who to trust. You see, the archangels have a nemesis, some angel with daddy issues (and probably a really tiny peen) named Samael who's determined to win Ellie for himself through any means possible. Naturally, Samael's antics lead to a menagerie of male posturing, growling, and tug-of-warring over the pretty new girl thingy.
I don't think that this book meant to be sexist. Several times, Ellie even complains about her destiny with Uriel robbing her of the choice to live her own life with her own choices. Incidentally, the prose is so damn pleased with itself when it describes these totally hot archangels and all of their super-alpha powers and their maneuvering of this kind of boring girl that my sexism detector starting blaring louder than a virgin heroine experiencing her first orgasm. And then there was THE SCENE, the one that made me stop reading, but I'll get to that later. All you have to know now is that I think this book is accidentally sexist. Wait, no. It had to be intentional. Maybe ... Screw it. Whatever the intent, I still feel like this:
1. Every Male Character is a Gary Stu: The archangels are supernaturally beautiful and powerful. The bad guys are supernaturally beautiful and powerful. They're all great lovers. Their physical descriptions are incredibly similar aside from differing eye colors and hair colors/styles. Apparently, the Old Man didn't use much creativity when he created his perfect celestial beings, nor did he know that different races are a thing. I suppose the one thing I can't use against the archangels is that they're so freaking dumb that bees can likely buzz in one ear of their celestical craniums and out the other in record time. Samael's pretty smart, but he's also an infantile asshat with an inferiority complex. However, it wasn't enough for the author to establish that the boys are THE BEST EVER ...
2. The Repetition: I lost count of how many times the male beauty was mentioned. Eleanore spends a majority of the text distracted by the "handsome," "gorgeous," or "beautiful" men and often mulls over the way their muscles "ripple," "flex," or "bulge" under their extra-tight shirts. Uriel always wears a tight thermal, and for god's sake, I don't know how any being can flex as often as he does from the amount of times his muscles are mentioned. That has to be exhausting! However, Eleanore isn't the only one who mentions how super-hot all the penis-wielders are in this book. The men do it, too! No matter whose perspective is used, it must be repeated how sexy and perfect the stupid guys are. You know, when one has to insist on something like physical beauty so much, it's usually because the fucker ISN'T THAT HOT.
3. Eleanore is Useless in Comparison to the Supermen: At first, I was excited that Eleanore got special powers of her own. "Cool!" I thought, "She'll be able to add some badassery to the story." But no. I hate it when a book makes me feel naive. Eleanore can move things with her mind; the boys can move BIGGER things with their minds and with more control. Eleanore can influence the weather with her emotions; the boys have control over the elements. Eleanore can heal; Uriel becomes a goddamn vampire, the most powerful thing EVER, and gains the ability to FLY. Adding powers to the characters exponentially doesn't make for a very interesting story.
4. Uriel the Vampire: My main complaint is that there's no indication on the blurb that this turns into a freaking vampire story. I was willing to let it slide at first because it seemed like vampirism would be very difficult and very painful for Uriel. Unfortunately, he adapts at the freaking speed of lightning, and his brothers allow him to go after Eleanore after A WHOLE DAY, even though he craves her blood more than anything else. The characters pass around the Stupid Ball in this story constantly. I honestly don't know how any of the boys learned to tie their shoes.
5. THE SCENE: The first love scene teetered treacherously close to rape and/or abuse. It made me sick. Here's a book from 2012, and it's still clear that people - both men AND women - don't fully understand consent. It pains me to do this, but the only way to get my point across is by posting quotes. The point of the scene is apparently that Uriel is so overcome with lust for Eleanore and vampiric bloodlust that he can't help himself. The bad writing speaks for itself, but the content is even worse. Read at your own risk:
"Coherent thought all but left him as he turned to the bed and threw her down onto her stomach in the center of the bed.
"Eleanor gasped and cried out, clearly struggling to make sense of the suddent movement, scrambling to get her hands and knees beneath her.
"He didn't give her the chance. He was on top of her, pressing her into the quilt before she could gain any leverage."
Aw, how romantic! He cut off her mobility. What a charmer! Uriel uses vampiric mind control during this scene, telling her to "trust" him and to submit. THESE ARE THINGS YOU ASK, CAPTAIN RAPE-KIT! Holy hell, I HATE it when authors write these things like I'm supposed to think the interaction is sexy. "Another part of her relished in the domination, wanting more," my ASS. But maybe Uriel doesn't realize what he's doing. Maybe this a misunderstanding ...
"Uriel's self-control was gone. There was nothing left in him but a dominant vampire, an archangel who needed his archess, and a determination that forced his will upon the woman trapped beneath him."
Damn it. "Forced his will." Now I was pissed at myself for giving the dude the benefit of the doubt. He ends up tearing off her clothes, all while she's immobile. I will admit that Eleanore's apparently super turned-on by this, which is kind of hard to believe considering that she's often afraid of him and also a 25-year-old virgin who only received her FIRST KISS a couple days ago from Uriel. But yes, I'll be fair, the interaction is supposed to be sexy. But then you have THIS gem, and if it doesn't freak you out, I don't know what will:
"'I'm going to let you up. Don't try to get away, do you understand?' he whispered harshly in her ear.
"She hesitated in answering, her desire fighting with her natural instinct to flee. Uriel's hand was out from between them and once more wrapped around her throat in a flash. He used it to pull her up and against him, squeezing in warning."
This is the part in the interaction when Oprah would tell you to scream and run for the hills, ladies. I don't care if your name is Admiral Sexy Beast and your bowel movements give women orgasms. Wrapping your hand around another human being's throat is NEVER okay. Fucking shenanigans. Isn't this basic stuff? You know, like how we've collectively decided not to stab our loved ones with steak knives. Some things just don't fall in my gray area.
Uriel makes Ellie grab the headboard and ends up taking the virgin from BEHIND. To add insult to injury, he's a total dick about Ellie's grip on the headboard.
"Eleanore moaned again, and with hard eyes, Uriel watched her fingers slip a little on the railing.
"'Don't you dare let go,' he growled, and she jumped gripping it tighter."
Yes, master, because if she lets go of the headboard thanks to the pain of you ramming into her like a rutting buck, God will kill a kitten. Is that what happens if an archess disobeys her archangel, or is this just an asshole vampire thing? Uriel eventually grabs her by the hair and yanks her head back so he has access to the veins in her neck. I'd just like to SEE my husband try to grab me by the hair. Oh, but he wouldn't try something like that. BECAUSE HE ISN'T A DOUCHEBAG. But I'm sorry, I haven't including a quote from Uncle Uriel's Creepy Factory in awhile ...
"He lowered himself until he could once more whisper in her ear. 'I'm going to take you now the way I've wanted to take you since I saw you that night in the bookstore,' he told her, keeping his grip on her hair tight so that she couldn't pull away. 'I'm going to take you hard and fast,' he promised her. 'Because you're mine, Ellie.' He almost growled his ownership. 'And you always will be'
"With that, he covered her mouth with one one hand and thrust forward, holding her still as he did so. In one clean, driving shove, he ripped through her virginity and rendered it in two."
He COVERS HER MOUTH WITH ONE HAND, presumably so no one can hear her screams.
My rage has yet again reached a boiling level, so I won't share anymore quotes with you. You should know that when Ellie finally loses grip on that freaking headboard, Uriel ends up biting and feeding from her. WITHOUT HER CONSENT. I'm pretty sure romance is dead now. It may never recover from the bad vibes this book put out into the universe.
You may be relieved to learn that Ellie has an earth-shattering orgasm from being turned into Uriel's chew toy and kneeling submissive. I'm not relieved, though. I'm just done with the godawful book and its godawful message.
If the writing had been decent, perhaps the romance wouldn't have turned into an American Horror Story, but I can only judge on what was presented to me. I wouldn't recommend this book to my cats. They have more respect for people than the hard-bodied arch"angel" Uriel has for the love of his life in this book. So this is apparently my limit - rape disguised as romance. Good to know.
**spoiler alert** The heroine really annoyed me in this one, mainly because she remained willfully reckless throughout the text and was never held acc**spoiler alert** The heroine really annoyed me in this one, mainly because she remained willfully reckless throughout the text and was never held accountable for it. The romance was OK, but I'm not quite sure if it was real. At times, the H/h seemed like they were under some type of love/lust spell (ie. getting all horny for each other and practically dry-humping in a crowded ballroom), but that was never really explained. At one point, the heroine, aware that the hero was watching from a distance, masturbated against a tree, which made me do two things. First, I laughed, like, really hard. Seriously. That took some velociraptor-level balls to write. Secondly, I cringed. BECAUSE SHE MASTURBATED AGAINST A TREE! "Oh, yes, dear vagina of mine, meet tree bark. Tree Bark, take this bitch for a ride!" I mean, wouldn't that hurt like the fucking devil? And yes, she was completely naked when she molested Mr. Tree, and yes, I had to read pages and pages of exposition about how the hero was totally jealous of Mr. Tree. Rational people, even rational people in romance novels, don't do these things. So my suspension of disbelief was not stretched too thin for the "magical coven of witches" part. It was shattered when I read about the romance. That isn't a good thing.
Now I'll have to Crazy-Romance-Heroine-Bitch-Proof the trees in my yard. Damn it. ...more
You know that part in the horror movie when the scantily clad girl wanders right into the bad guy's clutches? Her thought process goes something alongYou know that part in the horror movie when the scantily clad girl wanders right into the bad guy's clutches? Her thought process goes something along the lines of, "Hmmm, I have two choices here. I can take my cell phone and my stupid ass outside and run to a neighbor's house to call for help, OR I can wander into the dark blood-stained hallway and take my chances with a man with a machete. I'm just that curious." Inevitably, she comes face-to-face with Mr. Serial J. Killer, and is all like ...
Well, for the entirety of Mind Games, the main character Justine is that dumbass girl wandering up the stairs to play hide-and-seek with Freddy Krueger. I despised her character with a visceral passion that I haven't experienced in years, which left me feeling insecure, like I was suddenly the irrational one. It's just a character in a book, Rachel, I told myself. Don't let it spoil your reading experience. But it's hard to escape those feelings when the Worst Person Ever(TM) is narrating the book. Without Justine dragging the whole party down, I would have rated this book 4 or even 5 stars for the excellent world-building. Alas, it just wasn't meant to be.
SUMMARY: Justine is a hypochondriac who's a couple more trips to the ER for non-existant diseases away from being institutionalized. She's terrified of dying of vein star sydrome like her mommy, the original hypochondriac, did years ago. She lives a co-dependent life with her decent and normal boyfriend, Cubby, who can't take much more of Justine's irrational fear. Enter Sterling Packard: red-haired hottie with a proposition for Justine. He wants her to join the Disillusionists, a psychological hit squad that basically destabilizes criminals to the point where they become decent people again. Packard teaches Justine to channel her fear into their targets, increasing her quality of life while making Midcity a safer place. There's also the teeny tiny detail that Packard and Justine want to bone SO BAD. But Cubby's still a factor, and then there's Justine's irrational fascination with police chief Otto Sanchez. What's a speshul snowflake to do when she's gots teh new powerz and all teh menz want in her panties?
I'll start off on a positive note. I love the world that Carolyn Crane created. It's a regular city where high-caps, people with special powers, can do things like sling bricks at unsuspecting citizens and crush their skulls. The concept of the disillusionists targeting murderers and rehabilitating them is so cool, too. When the justice system fails, Packard and his crack team of misfits can step in and turn horrible people into upstanding citizens. Awesome freaking sauce. Crane has a great style for explaining how the disillusionists touch "energy dimensions" and "zing" targets with their anxieties. The writing didn't disappoint me. Unfortunately, the story came from the direct narrative perspective of a woman posessing maybe half a brain cell.
The disillusionists are a very interesting collection of people. There's Shelby, probably the most insightful person in the book, Simon and his gambling addition, Carter and his rage, and Strongarm Francis and his silly name. My favorite person of all, though, is Packard. Oh, Packard!
(view spoiler)[Packard has been trapped in his restaurant for eight years by his nemesis. He can't step outside of Mongolian Delites, nor can he change anything about it. He's literally stuck in a damn restaurant. At one point, Justine goes to the restaurant at night and finds him reading a travel magazine. Who wouldn't fall in love with that?(hide spoiler)] Packard's an intriguing mix of sexy, infuriating, brilliant, and diabolical. The scenes between Packard and Justine crackled with energy. I love the way he talks, too. He just sounds like an evil mastermind.
"I don't see how I could possibly move a napkin with the power of my mind," I say.
"All will be revealed," he mumbles.
"Did you just say 'All will be revealed'?"
He looks up. "Yes."
"Who says 'All will be revealed'?"
"I do," Packard says. "Just perform the task."
"The task. Ah, please, forgive me for interfering with your diabolical restaurant supply order."
Unfortunately, Packard somehow ends up enamored with Justine. He could do so much better. We all could do so much better. When I read, characterization is my number one concern. I want to like or at least understand the characters so I can enjoy the book. Now, everyone's tastes differ, and I'm sure that some people think Justine is the cat's meow. Sadly, I don't. She's more likable as a pathetic hypochondriac than she is as a so-called empowered woman. Not thinking about vein star just gives her the opportunity to judge everyone around her and make poor life choices. (view spoiler)[The one time she does something kind of awesome to fight off a bad guy, she's dressed in a freaking sexy nurse costume. And instead of changing out of it once she deals with the bad guy, she flaunts around like an airhead. I understand that her clothes were destroyed, but there's always an extra pair of pants in a freaking house! This is just a small nit-pick, though. (hide spoiler)]
Justine has a horrific case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. She just blurts things out at the most inopportune moments, and never gets a grip on her bad habit. At the end, (view spoiler)[she tells Otto all about the disillusionists with no prior knowledge of how he would react or what it would do to her team or Packard. And why? Because he was a good fuck, and she had a "good feeling" about him? Up until that point, Justine wasn't a pillar of insight, so I have no idea why she thought she had the right to gamble the very livelihood of her friends like that. Yes, she had a right to be pissed at Packard, but the others were innocent. (hide spoiler)]
Justine also has a serious self-esteem crisis. She spends half of the book trying to please Cubby, then she simultaneously hates and thinks about smexing up Packard. Later, (view spoiler)[she has sex with Otto even though she suspects that he's dangerous and knows for a fact that he imprisoned Packard in the restaurant. (hide spoiler)] I can't respect a woman who has no loyalty to anyone who doesn't happen to be her boy of the week. Her need for security and the perfect life is understandable, even if her motivations are TSTL. But freaking hell, she never even tries to get better. She just judges and blurts things out, and everyone still thinks she's super swell. Well, I don't, Justine. I don't.
I'll stop ranting now.
Also, during Justine's love scene with one of the male characters, the phrase "cucumbery cock" is used. Cucumbery cock for the win! A mature person wouldn't have guffawed after reading that statement. But I'm not mature.
Lastly, the description of Otto is LOL-worthy. A beret and a cape? Every time she mentioned his damn beret, I had mental images of Sadam Hussein and Fidel Castro. Never trust a man in a beret, ladies.
Despite my issues with Justine, I would recommend this book. The world-building is superb, and Crane has a great sense of humor. Just be prepared to want to swat Justine upside the head 95% of the time. ...more
The thing about book series that I always have to remind myself about is this: Given enough time, all of the characters wil**spoiler alert** 3.5 stars
The thing about book series that I always have to remind myself about is this: Given enough time, all of the characters will eventually lose their bananas. Third Grave Dead Ahead, incidentally, has very high levels of potassium. VERY high. On the bright side, Charley manages to both hold onto her bananas and gain a ton of insight. It's about time.
SUMMARY: Third Grave Dead Ahead picks up a couple weeks after the last book left off. Reyes is still throwing a temper tantrum because Charley bound him to his corporeal form. The only time he can become incorporeal is when Charley summons him, which she somehow manages to do every time she falls asleep, at which point they can't help but have lots of hot dream / ghost sex. So instead of -oh, I don't know - talking when she summons him and figuring out a way to take a nap, neither of them get any sleep. So this entire book centers around a sleep-deprived grim reaper solving mysteries and putting herself in a crapload of danger. When Reyes breaks out of prison to find his maybe-not-so-dead dad (not Satan but the psychopath who kidnapped him as a baby), Charley has to juggle his issues along with her new case searching for a missing wife. Aided by the always dependable Cookie, Uncle Bob, her unwelcome tail Garrett Swopes, and copious amounts of coffee, Charley has a massive amount of shenanigans on her plate in this installment. Who will make it out alive?
Here be spoilers! Do not keep reading if you don't want to be spoiled!
THE GOOD: Charley Finally Grows a Pair I was starting to worry about our heroine at the start of this book. She lets Reyes get away with just about anything. He bullies her for binding him but never actually tells her why it's so important to unbind him. Hey, Reyes! It's called talking. Try it sometime. He holds her at knifepoint, carjacks her, and knocks her out in a seedy hotel room to perform his master plan of hunting down Earl Walker. At no point does he explain what's up or offer an encouraging word or sentiment. And Charley, a decent human being for the most part, helps him with nary a fight. And he still doesn't trust her.
So finally, at the very end of the book, Charley realizes that she's been used and mistrusted and put in grave danger by the man she loves. Instead of letting him off easy, Charley shuts him out the same way he did in the last book and starts to assert her own power. It was a long time coming and had to be done, even if Reyes is the smexiest thing since smexy became a thing. And speaking of Mr. Smexy Son of Satan ...
I always picture Reyes as Henry Cavill even if the hair isn't right.
Reyes Eats Some Humble Pie Well, it's about freaking time, you naughty man! It takes Charley getting filleted by his evil not-a-father for Reyes to understand that maybe talking to the woman he supposedly loves would be a nice move. Fortunately, Charley isn't me and doesn't instantly forgive him the way I wanted to forgive him. More importantly, Reyes pushes Charley to recognize her own power. He knows how to push her buttons and finally uses them for good instead of manipulation. Reyes can only get better from here. I hope his punishment is long and smexy.
The Supporting Characters Cookie's the best. I love how Jones gave Charley a best friend who's smart and helpful. Charley would be seriously lost with Cookie. Their open friendship is very refreshing. Charley doesn't keep any secrets from Cookie, allowing Cookie to be a source of stability in her crazy life. Uncle Bob made me smile as usual. He's a better father figure to Charley than her own father. Also: Garrett freaking Swopes. OMG, I love him. The way he calls Charley Charles, the way he always shows up at the right (or wrong) time, his stupid list of things you shouldn't say to a grim reaper.
THE BAD: I'll put this in list form to save space. - Charley's inability to take anything seriously. Yes, I understand that she's quirky and sleep-deprived, but this book deals with some serious issues. Sometimes jokes can be really tacky, and Charley doesn't seem to understand that. - Charley's reluctance to embrace her supernatural responsibilities. When Reyes tells her she has to knock it off with the human stuff, he kind of has a point. Some bad stuff is after Charley, and she spends a great amount of time avoiding it. I think she might want to figure out her powers sooner rather than later. Denial does not suit a grim reaper, especially when it will put the good people in her life in danger. - The random addition of Donovan as a shallow love interest. Um, yeah. Even Garrett thinks it's weird. Plus, Charley and Reyes have enough issues without playing the jealousy game. I like Donovan and his men, though. I just don't think it's fair of Charley to toy with Donovan because she's mad. - Mistress Marigold was a bit of a letdown. All she really does is inform Charley that she'll get a guardian. The nun has to have more insight than that. I need some answers, and so does Charley.
THE UGLY: - Charley's dad is so totally dead to me. Whether he wants to protect her or not, what he does is unforgivable. Now he's as horrid as Charley's wicked step-mother. - A dog?!?! Of all the things that could have been Charley's guardian, we get stuck with a dog? I have nothing against dogs, but still. - The only upside to Garrett's untimely demise was that I thought he'd become Charley's guardian. But no. Instead, he chats her up for a while and then comes back to life? I do not understand these things that confuse me. - The jokes get really annoying in this one. I was annoyed during the last book, but my tolerance seems to be dwindling. Don't get me wrong, I like to laugh, but it has to be about something funny.
Despite the flaws in Third Grave, I'm still excited to read the next installment. I'm already suffering from Reyes withdrawal. The bastard has a cruel grip on my fragile resistance to him. Also, it's high time Charley embraces her inner badass to show us what she can do. ...more
Well, that was a revealing look into the offerings of the self-publishing world. I have to stop clutching my pearls and turning my nose up at the ideaWell, that was a revealing look into the offerings of the self-publishing world. I have to stop clutching my pearls and turning my nose up at the idea that publishing houses don't always know best (please don't strike me dead, lightning) because Susan Ee just freaked my mind. With angels. Hark! If these angels start singing, friends, RUN!
SUMMARY: Penryn's just trying to keep her handicapped sister Paige and her schizophrenic mother safe in a post-apocolyptic world. What could possibly go wrong? The angels have descended on Earth, and they aren't the kind of celestial beings Roma Downey and Della Reese would have us believe. Nope. Anyone held in the arms of these angels ends up dead. When Paige is abducted by a group of angels, Penryn has no choice but to team up with Raffe, a moody angel warrior whose wings were just amputated. Will Penryn find her sister without getting killed first? Will Raffe ever crack a smile? Will I ever be able to read the phrase "touched by an angel" without suffering from post traumatic stress?
Susan Ee keeps it real. You'll never be prepared for this.
LIKES: Penryn - For once, a YA heroine has a reason for her badass fighting skills. Her extensive training is even wrapped up in a disturbing story about her family life that made my heart ache for her. Even before the angels come and tore everything to holy hell, Penryn's life is damaged and complicated. She's learned to survive, and that puts her at an advantage in this new world. Furthermore, she admirably resists going all googly eyed over Raffe. Even if some of her attempts to save him are misguided, she's very charming about it. I loved the part where she holds up Raffe's wings behind her back to scare away a pack of gang members. Penryn is competent yet flawed, tough as nails yet vulnerable, ruthless in a fight yet empathetic. She's made up of all the contradictions that make humans human. In a story where humanity is criticized and under attack, Ee presents a main character made up of all the things - ugly and beautiful - that make humanity worthwhile.
The Worldbuilding - The destruction of the world as Penryn knew it is described in vivid detail. It's easy to envision her standing in the wreckage of a civilization that has lost its civility. Gangs rule the streets, people attack each other for food and resources, angels perform aerial raids on communities, and corpses and the dying are left to rot. Ee created some horrifying creatures in Angelfall. The angels are bad enough. Then there are the "low demons," as Penryn names them, which end up being (view spoiler)[mutilated children that feed on human flesh like animals (hide spoiler)] and the mutated humanoid creatures with scorpion tails who inject humans with venom through their pincers and drain them of life. Everything is described in graphic detail. No sugar-coating enchanted creatures in this world. Angelfall WANTS to give you nightmares.
Penryn's Mother & Sister - These characters aren't simple tools to make Penryn seem caring and selfless. Oh, no. Her mom's one of the most frightening characters in the story, and Paige ends up with a very interesting storyline. I won't tell you what it is, but believe the "interesting" part. It makes me cringe even now to think of it.
Raffe - Near the end of the story, my heart broke for Raffe. (view spoiler)[Betrayal through bat wings? Hell to the noes, you sadistic angels! And what was up with his sword rejecting him? Way to kick a dog while he's down. (hide spoiler)] The way he fights his feelings for Penryn gives Raffe the whole tortured soul vibe, but his past hunting down Nephilim and killing them at least gives him a reason to go all brooding eyebrows 95% of the time.
DISLIKES: The Timeline: With the level of deterioration described, I was really surprised to learn that the angels had only been on Earth for about 6 weeks. Wait, huh? No government, people scavenging the streets, a complete breakdown of the transportation system. I just feel like it would take longer than 6 weeks to get that desperate. Then we have structured little societies like The Resistance living in compounds in the forest, providing food for everyone. Why wouldn't other people catch onto this? Hell, if the majority of humanity has turned so feral, why wouldn't they attack The Resistance for resources? I don't get what makes the Resistance leaders so smart and special. Did they have special advance notice that the angels were coming? When did they start stockpiling all of this super rare food? I don't get it. 6 months would make more sense, maybe, but 6 weeks seems a little far-fetched.
Raffe: Yes, I know he's in my "Likes," too. No, I'm not taking this back. The thing that bugged me about Raffe (other than the fact that my mind keeps wanting to pronounce his name as Rafe instead of Rah-fie like Ee instructed) is his total lack of angelic grandeur. He's all sullen and moody like the emo teens we see in basically every other YA book out there, and I was kind of over it. I always envisioned angels as more ... stoic than that. He could have said a few wise things, maybe thrown in a story about kickin' it with David at the palace in Jerusalem, and I would have been happy. But no, all we get are stony silences and tortured stares. Puh-lease. The man's an archangel. Give him some insight! I like Raffe, but he could have been so much more. The other characters are so fully drawn that his portrayal is a bit of a let-down.
Angelfall was definitely worth reading. I'm anxious for the next book in the series. More action, more blood, more freaky creatures going bump in the night. Maybe Raffe will even do something angelic. A girl can always hope!...more
Okay, Rachel Vincent, you got me. I bow before your world-building, kneel at the altar of your badassedness (totally a word in my book), and sincerelyOkay, Rachel Vincent, you got me. I bow before your world-building, kneel at the altar of your badassedness (totally a word in my book), and sincerely hope that I never end up in one of your books. Not only did you create a crapsack world that was a convincing sack of crap, but you also designed a structured world where convenient plot devices and the dreaded deus ex machina are impossible. Well done. I'm thoroughly creeped out now.
SUMMARY: Olivia "Liv" Warren is a blood tracker by profession and a mercenary when she has no choice. With a person's blood sample, she can find them just about anywhere. Bound by a blood oath made with three of her childhood friends in the most misguided and unfortunate form of adolescent blood oath bonding ever, Liv is dragged into hunting for the murderer of her best friend Anne's husband. The only person who can help her is Cam Cabellero, a name tracker and Liv's ex who she left high and dry six years ago under a cloud of mystery. As Liv and Cam discover how hard it is to stay away from each other, their conflicting loyalties threaten to end rheir lovers' reunion in disaster. Then Anne's daughter Hadley goes missing, and all hell breaks loose (as it's wont to do). Will Liv and Cam find a way to be together? Will they rescue Hadley? Is there any possible way I would ever want to live in their world? (The answer's no, just in case you're wondering.)
LIKES: Liv is really badass. Even though she's tangled deep in a complicated web of oaths, she remains defiant throughout the book and exploits every loophole she can find. Liv can defend herself and knows how to use a gun, but Vincent doesn't rob her of vulnerability and normal human decency. In general, Liv's heart and love for the people in her past (mainly Cam) drive the conflict of the book. She's torn between her contract with Cavazos, a sadistic bastard with a wife who jumped on the cray-cray train years ago, and her desire for a life of freedom. My heart broke a little bit every time I realized how difficult earning her freedom would be. I'm not kidding about the crapsack world thing. Vincent binds these characters without leniency. I wanted to give them so many hugs for their misfortunes.
Now let's focus on Cam. Oh, Cam, you sexy pudding pie, you! He never gives up on Liv, even when she spends so much time pushing him away. Sure, he has eye-roll worthy alpha tendencies, but beneath all the swagger and ass-kicking is a big ol' softie. He also never treats Liv like a wee wittle helpless woman-folk. Not that Liv would allow him to treat her like that. But still, credit where it's due and all.
The supporting characters are equally compelling. Villains like Cavazos are multi-layered and at times unpredictable. His batshit crazy wife ends up being one of my favorite characters just because she's kind of brilliant beneath all the mania. Even Elle, (view spoiler)[who's dead (hide spoiler)], is drawn fully. I'm totally fascinated by Kory, too. I want to read her story, if she ever has one. I feel a kindred bond with all foul-mouthed blondes.
As I mentioned above, the world-building is superb. Every time I thought things could get worse, Vincent socked me in the face with more cruel realities. Never before has being born with supernatural abilities (Skills, in Vincent's world) seemed more undesirable.
DISLIKES: The action was well-written, but there was actually very little of it in the book. A majority of the story is spent strategizing and talking in Cam or Liv's apartments, which is good for understanding what's going on but a bit tedious. I appreciate that intelligence trumps brute force in Blood Bound, but action is so much more fun. Granted, Vincent treats us to an amazing action scene at the end with blood and more blood and blood. (view spoiler)[Also, I really wanted to smack Cam for prodding all of Liv's secrets from her but not telling her that he slept with Anne. Did he have so little faith in her coping skills? It's sad that Kory had to spill the beans. Not cool, Mr. Pudding Pie. Hypocrisy does not suit you. (hide spoiler)]
THE ENDING: (view spoiler)[Does Vincent plan to add any follow-up books? If so, I must read to find out if Liv makes another contract with Cavazos to help Cam. If not, I think the ending is brilliant. Leaving it up in the air with Liv making a decision about binding herself again brings the story full-circle and really highlights how inevitably fucked all the character are. This is coming from a woman who ADORES happy endings. I'm just not sure if a traditional happy ending would make any sense in this case. The characters should just be relieved that they got Hadley back. (hide spoiler)]
In short, read this book. It will frustrate and terrify you, but it's totally worth your time. ...more
Stacia Kane should write an instruction course on world-building. She's created a very unique setting in Triumph City and the Downside and somehow manStacia Kane should write an instruction course on world-building. She's created a very unique setting in Triumph City and the Downside and somehow managed to make me wish I could talk like this for a day: "I know what you need, don't I? Don't Bump always know? Bump's your fuckin friend, yay? So you trust Bump. Take what you want, then we have a chatter. Maybe we help each other."
And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Why, Rachel? Why would you want to talk like a poorly educated mash-up of Yoda and Rocky Balboa? Will public education never stop failing our children?" So I want you to stop pounding your head against the desk and mourning for this nation's lost future. I'll explain. Firstly, I have a deep-seated, perhaps slightly fanatical wish to sound bad-ass. In real life, I tend to talk like Mary freaking Poppins, okay? I use the phrase "Geez Louise!" in polite conversation. Just once, I'd like to say something like, "Rachel know what you need, aye? Don't Rachel always know? Maybe you not fuck with Rachel then, yay?" Of course, that would be dependent on the person I'm speaking with to refrain from laughter, but that's another conversation for another day. Secondly, and more relevant to the actual book review, Kane managed to create her own dialect with her Downside characters. At first, my mind rebelled against the way Bump, Terrible, and Lex speak. I waved my invisible fan in front of my face and harrumphed and tsked like some dowdy society matron from a Regency romance. However, as I became more immersed in the story, my indignation melted away. The dialogue rolls in an organic way, and Kane's dialect makes the life in Downside a leaving, breathing thing.
If not for the terrifying and murderous ghosts, the far-reaching power of the Church, and the suggestion that just about everyone is hooked on drugs to make the pain of everyday life go away, the Downside would be my ideal home. I won't lie - this is mainly because I want to meet Terrible and touch his pompadour and mutton chops. And that brings me to another thing I liked: Kane makes unsexy things sexy. Consider my cozy little world in shambles.
SUMMARY: Unholy Ghosts tells the story of Chess Putnam, a tattoo-wearing witch for the Church of Truth. Chess lives in a new world from what we recognize today. The Church depends on Debunkers like her to keep ghosts where they belong, in the City hundreds of feet below the surface. These ghosts aren't like Casper at all; they're evil and bent on gaining power through the blood of those they murder. When Chess is blackmailed by her drug dealer (Bump) into investigating a reported haunting at a property he wants, she falls into some very black magic. Could someone within the Church be in on it? And how is Chess supposed to juggle her obligation to Bump and his enforcer Terrible when a rival drug lord wants her to do his bidding? Everything comes to a head in an intense and action-packed tale of magic and personal tragedy.
CHARACTERS: Chess is a fascinating protagonist. She's smart and strong yet vulnerable. Her drug use doesn't bother me very much because I'm pretty sure Chess wouldn't be able to function without them. Enough happens to her in just this book to traumatize me for life, like (view spoiler)[freaking worms in her freaking hand wound! OMG, I can't even ... WORMS! (hide spoiler)] It's also well-established that Chess's childhood pretty much set the standard for WTF-ery. Drugs are bad, kids. But damn, if anyone has to use them, it may as well be Chess. Her addiction adds a lot to the story, too. When Chess doesn't get her fix for awhile, she gets itchy and antsy, her mind starts to scatter, and she becomes consumed with her need. Kane doesn't romanticize or brush away Chess's addiction with pretty writing. It's real and it effect her everyday life. Despite all of that, Chess is an accomplished witch. She uses all the resources available to her and saves the day several times. Even though she's rough around the edges, she maintains a moral standard throughout the story.
And then there's Terrible. Terrible. I want to hug and kiss and squeeze his giant ugly face until he feels all the love he deserves. His dynamic with Chess is almost heart-wrenching to read. Terrible kills and beats up people for a living, but beneath the violent exterior is an honorable guy just looking for love. Chess has never had a friend before, so she isn't quite sure what to do with Terrible. Chess, I would like to direct you to the third sentence in this paragraph. Apply and repeat. That is all.
Other characters include Sexy Lexy (or Lex, as the story actually calls him), who throws a wrench in Chess's work for Bump but also manages to be sweet in a Downside kind of way, Chess's fellow Debunker Doyle as a man spurned by their one-night stand, and several families trying to prove their houses are haunted in exchange for a monetary reward from the Church. Ghosts never look as good as they do when $50,000 come with their presence.
DRAWBACK I have one complaint about the story, and it may have more to do with my reading comprehension than the writing, but whatever. At times, I got a little lost, especially during the action scenes. Any one movement or decision seems to drag on for an entire page, and by the time I got to the next page, I forgot what just happened. Kane uses vivid descriptors, and after a second reading, I usually understood, but sometimes all of the stuff going on took me out of the story. Other than that, I don't have many complaints.
Unholy Ghosts kept me riveted and entertained the whole time. I can't wait to check out the next book in the series. And yes, that is because I want to cover Terrible with love spells through the pages of a fictional book. Don't judge me. You don't judge Rachel, aye? Rachel make omelet of your face, she will. Okay, I'll stop it with the Downside speak now. It will never work for me. :/ ...more
Unearthly marked a lot of firsts for me: 1. My first book about angels. 2. My first book written by Cynthia Hand. 3. My first book of the year w3.5 stars
Unearthly marked a lot of firsts for me: 1. My first book about angels. 2. My first book written by Cynthia Hand. 3. My first book of the year with a bizarre love triangle. More on that later ... 4. My first encounter with first person / present tense prose that didn't make me cringe with every new sentence.
Overall, Unearthly is a decent read. It didn't change my life or anything, but nothing I read gave me the urge to commit mass bookicide. So gold star to YOU, Cynthia Hand!
SUMMARY: Clara is an angel-blood, which is what you get if you cross an angel with a human, cross their offspring with a human, and make a little super-baby. She is one-quarter angel and three-quarters regular teenage girl. Clara's unearthly, to take a cue from the title. Every angel-blood is born with a purpose beyond awesomely sprouting wings, flying, and glowing like the sun. When Clara begins to receive her purpose through cryptic visions of a beautiful boy in the mountains, her family packs up and leaves California for Wyoming so Clara can find her mystery boy. It's all very jarring for a teenager, and Clara finds herself surrounded by strangers in a land with SNOW (oh, the humanity!) and cowboys. The boy from her vision is named Christian (of course), every high school girl's dream, and Clara is drawn to him from the beginning. They share a destiny, after all. As Clara learns more and more about being an angel-blood, life gets more and more complicated. She has to keep the whole angel thing a secret from her friends. Her mother only gives Clara angel info on a need-to-know basis. And then there's the matter of Tucker Avery, Clara's best friend's twin brother, whose very presence seems determined to screw up her destiny with Christian.
I want to make something clear right now. The whole Team This / Team That phenomenon made popular by that ungodly creation called Twilight isn't my cup of tea. It's stupid, and I despise love triangles. This book is no exception. I want to punch the love triangle (or is it?) in the face when it pokes out its ugly head. Fortunately, I don't think that the Christian/Clara/Tucker dynamic is a real love triangle. Something else is up there.
But believe me when I BOLDLY TYPE that if Tucker gets thrown over for Christian, I will be a VERY unhappy camper. That's enough, YA authors. 'Kay? I'd rather read about angels than love triangles. I hope we're on the same page.
I like the way that Hand characterizes Clara. Even though she's an angel, which makes her really good at most things and pretty, Clara is still a rather normal girl. She stresses over her hair, doesn't always know how to talk to people, and depends on her girlfriends for moral support. At times, Clara can be obtuse (and on one occasion, snotty), but what kid doesn't act that way? The relationship between Clara and her mother is a great example of the mother/daughter dynamic, only on an angelic scale. Clara hates that her mom won't fill her in on details of their existence, but it's clear that the woman's only trying to protect her daughter. They even get in a fight about a boy! These normal stories interwoven into an abnormal world are a treat.
Tucker is a fabulous alternative to the emo/angst-ridden/man-boy/immortal/dark-haired/intense love interests that are showing up EVERYWHERE these days. He's the kind of boy I wanted to date in high school. Snarky but good-natured, Tucker injects Clara's life with a sense of normalcy. He works for spending money, loves the rodeo, and sometimes picks Clara wildflowers. That's kind of adorable. Plus, I knew he was something special when one of the first things he does in the book is call Clara "Carrots." Like Gilbert freakin' Blythe in Anne of Green Gables! The thought of Gil Blythe still makes me squeal like a tween. Tucker may not be Gil, but he's made a friend for life with me just for that nickname.
The story drags a bit for the first half. Hand does a nice job of setting up the world Clara lives in, the school, and her relationships, but I got a little impatient with all the high school drama. The parts where Clara follows Christian around and tries to contrive reasons to talk with him are tedious. By the second half, the plot starts to pick up. Not only do we get more Tucker at this point, but the action gets moving. Unfortunately, Hand leaves the reader with a thousand more questions than answers. Seriously. I feel like every thread was left dangling. This definitely isn't a stand-alone book, and it shows.
The big surprise at the end (view spoiler)[Christian's an angel, too!!!! OMG! (hide spoiler)] didn't come as much of a surprise to me. I think I figured it out in the first 50 pages.
Since Cynthia Hand left so much unanswered, I'll probably read the next book. I want to know more about the angels and about Clara's mom. Also, 16-year-old Rachel is determined to make sure that Tucker doesn't get his heart broken. Shameful, yes, but true.
My goodness. Thank you, Kelly Creagh, for bringing intelligence and insight back to the YA genre. Nevermore managed to resonate with even my jaded midMy goodness. Thank you, Kelly Creagh, for bringing intelligence and insight back to the YA genre. Nevermore managed to resonate with even my jaded mid-twenties worldview. It's interesting how easily we forget that our teenage years weren't all beer bongs and promise rings. (OK, so my teenage years weren't anything like that, but Hollywood had me convinced I was abnormal, damn it!)
I hate to get all personal in a book review, but I feel like the memories Nevermore conjured are important. There's a special type of pain that kids feel in high school. While it's easy to poke fun at the angst in melodramatic love stories that read like wish-fulfillment, the particular brand of mind-freak-itude one experiences from the ages of 12-18 aren't any less real. Perhaps my problems in adulthood are more pressing than not having any friends to sit with in the cafeteria, but then again, maybe I'm dismissing the concept of loneliness and isolation too hastily. When I think about it, teenagers are essentially trapped in a life not of their own choosing. Their parents dictate where they live, what they do, where they go to school. And if you grew up in a town like mine, the school didn't offer a great variety of people to make friends with. So they're stuck, and if they're unhappy, they may feel like they have no one to talk to about their problems. Like Varen Nethers in Nevermore, a teenager may only have the outlet of his own mind for some emotional therapy. And with that in mind, I'll transition into my review.
SUMMARY: Isobel Lanley is your prototypical queen bee. She's blonde, pretty, a cheerleader, dating a football player, and well-liked at school. For the most part, she's content with her "charmed" life, but then her English teacher partners her up with sullen Goth Varen Nethers and Isobel's world turns upside down. When Isobel starts hanging out with Varen, her possessive (and borderline sociopathic) boyfriend freaks out to the point that suggests that kid isn't alright, her friends start to turn on her, and her dreams get really strange - like they're real. As Isobel and Varen bond over Edgar Allen Poe, the stories they study in their project begin to intertwine with everyday life. It seems that Varen has unwittingly brought two dimensions to a collision course, and it's up to Isobel to save him from ultimate destruction.
CHARACTERS: Isobel - Creagh does a wonder job of taking a character who would typically be maligned in any other fiction - a cheerleader AND a blonde (Must be a witch!) - and making her appearance and her hobbies irrelevent. The strongest determining factor for Isobel's success in the book is her strength of character. Of course she's leery of Varen at first, but she's never mean-spirited. She treats him with respect even when her friends ostracize her for refusing to be an asshat. I love that she doesn't withdraw from cheerleading. Creagh offered some dazzling descriptions of Isobel's experiences of flying through the air that made me resent my fear of heights. I genuinely liked Isobel in the story and rooted for her happy ending.
Varen - Oh, be still my heart! Let's take a moment to fan ourselves, ladies and gentlemen (if you so wish). My heart broke for Varen multiple times during this book, particularly during (view spoiler)[the scene with his father and the ending (hide spoiler)]. He's a welcome change from other YA heroes because he actually has a reason to be all dark and broody. Intelligent, polite and well-spoken, Varen reminds all of us not to read a book for its cover. There's so much soul beneath all of the black hair and piercings, and I fell in love with him along with Isobel. (view spoiler)[His note to Isobel at the end almost made me cry. VAREN! Why do you do this to me? (hide spoiler)]
Gwen - Isobel's quirky locker neighbor really comes to the rescue a few times. Her sense of humor made me laugh out loud. With all the angst going on, Gwen manages to lighten the mood.
Brad - Okay, so maybe I felt bad for him (view spoiler)[at the end (hide spoiler)], but this guy was textbook abusive boyfriend. He should trade some notes with Edward Cullen.
Reynolds and Pinfeathers - I love and hate both of them at the same time. Reynolds is just mysterious enough to be untrustworthy, and Pinfeathers is a delightful villain. (view spoiler)[And what's up with Pinfeathers' connection to Varen? Are they kind of like the same person? I need to know! (hide spoiler)]
THE HORROR: In my status updates, I mentioned that I have vivid dreams. There have been nights when I woke up in a cold sweat screaming or sobbing because my dreams seemed so real. So take my word for it. This book freaked me out a little. Granted, I don't think my dreams are real (at least I HOPE not), but I could totally envision the chaos that Isobel experiences. You know how annoying dreams are when you suddenly change locations without knowing how you got there, or when something normal transforms into something monstrous? Well, Creagh describes that very well. Very, VERY well. So well that I may have gotten a little frightened once or twice, but only a little. I'm not a wimp or anything ... (view spoiler)[Okay, so I was terrified of Varen's creepy dream world! There's nothing to be ashamed of. (hide spoiler)] :)
If you enjoy mystery, romance, twisty mind games, and teenage characters that don't make you think this world is doomed for eternity, then read Nevermore. Now I must patiently wait for the next book to come out at the end of this month. Le sigh. I'll just read some Poe to tide me over....more
Hex Hall is proof that a good narrator is worth its weight in gold. Sophia is everything I hoped I was in high school, but I fear I was never that cooHex Hall is proof that a good narrator is worth its weight in gold. Sophia is everything I hoped I was in high school, but I fear I was never that cool. YAs are a tough sell for me. They're either extraordinary (whaddup, Hunger Games?) or pathetic and slightly troublesome (Shatter Me, Twilight). So, Hex hall, consider these 5 stars a great honor. I've been a big book grump lately, so it means a lot.
SUMMARY: After a love-spell gone wrong at her prom, teen witch Sophia Mercer is sent to Hecate Hall, a school for troubled young prodigium - or as Sophie calls it at one point, "juvie for monsters." Think Hogwarts without the emphasis on learning magic. The reason kids are sent to Hecate is so they can learn to suppress their magic around humans. Apparently, people aren't all that kosher with witches, warlocks, shapeshifters, faeries, and vampires. Once at the school, Sophia finds herself an outcast once again. Like every school since ever, there's a clique of mean girls who turn on Sophie after she refuses to become a member of their coven. And of course, there's the dark and arrogant boy who Sophie hates to crush on. Plus, her roommate and only friend, Jenna, is a vampire, a creature that no one seems to trust. When witches at Hecate are attacked by an unknown creature, Sophie finds herself embroiled in some dark mean girl schemng and some darker magic. In the process, she might even find out a few suprising things about who she really is.
Sophie kicks ass. And no, she doesn't kick ass in the Buffy, stick thin warrior goddess way. Sophie's ass kicking comes from her personality. Hawkins does a wonderful job of writing from the perspective of a snarky, vulnerable, sometimes awkward teenage girl who's trying to make sense of her oversized powers. Sophie is funny and snarky, but not in a mean-spirited way. She has lots of character, and even when the world seems to crumble around her, she doesn't buckle under in self-pity. She cries, she thinks, and then she goes on with her life like a normal person. No Bella Swan self-imposed 4 months of blank pages for this girl.
The romance in Hex Hall builds slowly and in a believable way. I'm still not sure how I feel about Archer. Maybe the next book will reveal more about Hecate's resident bad boy. The romance is blessedly secondary to the rest of the story. It's actually kind of adorable how Sophie awkwardly crushes on Archer. That takes me straight back to high school. Oh, the good ol' days!
Hex Hall is littered with some delightful secondary characters. Vampire Jenna is amusing and obsessed with the color pink. One of their instructors is Lord Byron - yes, THE Lord Byron. The mean girls are actually fleshed out beyond caricatures. No one bores me, and that's an accomplishment in itself.
I'll definitely read the second book in this series. Sophie's just too much fun to pass up. Wow. This book totally bypassed my cynicism. I can't be snarky about this one. I actually liked it. ...more
I finished Eclipse, the third installment of the godawful Twilight series, with a scowl on my face. At that point, I realized that I'd been scowling fI finished Eclipse, the third installment of the godawful Twilight series, with a scowl on my face. At that point, I realized that I'd been scowling for the entire book, my eyebrows slammed together, my lips turned down, my face set in SMeyer's favorite word - chagrin. And while it's really easy to say, "Oh, it's just a book - nothing worth getting angry about," there's still the itsy bitsy annoying fact that I spent two days reading purple prose and NOTHING happened. Well, some things happened, but they were awful, so I don't want to count them. The Twilight series has its own stages of mental distress. There are four, one for each book:
1. Twilight - Boredom 2. New Moon - Concern 3. Eclipse - Anger 4. Breaking Dawn - Numb Horror
It's pretty bad when an entire cast of characters is so terrible that you can't help cheering for the villain. Let's get to it, then!
SUMMARY: After Bella's crippling loss of a brain and Edward's thwarted suicide attempt in Italy, everyone's favorite star-crossed lovers are back in Forks. Graduation is looming, and Bella can't stand to age another day. You know how digustingly old 18-year-olds are and everything. She wants Edward to change her into a vampire before she starts collecting Social Security, and Eddie's all like, "Nuh-uh. Not til you marry me, you breakable and pathetic little thing." In the meantime, Bella wants to spend quality time with werewolf Jacob and his totes fun wolfpack, giving Jake the impression that he has a chance with the girl who loves a sparkly dead man. Edward disapproves of Bella hanging out with Jacob (too dangerous), and Bella's dad has a problem with Edward. He remembers how Bella totally lost her nuggets about his abandonment the year before and her subsequent disappearance to Italy to save him from the scary European vampires. Also, a new pack of vampires is after Bella. AND THEY WANT BLOOD.
SPOILERS AHEAD!
So a lot of things went wrong in this book, even beyond the horrible writing. The plot remained stagnant until the very end. And then, as expected, we ended up exactly where we were before. The Twilight series is very similar to a humorless, angsty, vampire version of the movie "Groundhog Day." Meyer overused all of her favorite words, and the reader was treated to more endless descriptions of Edward's sparkly perfection and Jacob's sizzling hot abs. Blah, blah, blah. But let me list the things that made me irrationally angry.
1. Edward is an abusive boyfriend - I think this point has been covered in every corner of the Internet, so I'll keep this short. Telling one's girlfriend who she can hang out with is abusive. Disabling your girlfriend's car so she can't see her friend is abusive. Having one's family kidnap girlfriend because you don't trust her to stay away from the friend? Abusive and illegal. It's bad enough that he talks down to Bella all the time, calling her fragile and weak, insisting that she can't protect herself. Sure, I get that we're talking about supernatural creatures here (and Bella is pretty useless and pathetic), but Edward's such a douche about it. Also, getting the girl all revved up for sex and then saying she can't have it without marriage is controlling and rude. Worst boyfriend ever. And who wants to hang out with a granite hard ice cube all the time? Cuddling with Edward would be like cozying up with a frozen pack of ground beef, only less nutricious.
2. Jacob loses his bananas and becomes a sexual predator - Jake never had a chance with Bella. He should have figured that out by now, considering Bella's catatonic state when Edward left her in New Moon. Unfortunately, Jacob is about as bright as any other character in the book (not very) and pursues the living daylights out of Bella. At first, his pursuit is fair-minded. He attempts to persuade Bella that dating the living is far superior to dating the dead. But then, when he recognizes that he doesn't have a chance in hell of besting Edward, he forces a kiss on her and refuses to let go when she struggles to escape. Later, he manipulates her into kissing him again by threatening to run to his imminent death if Bella doesn't admit that she loves him. I don't understand how any of this is romantic.
3. The tent scene - While Bella's supposed to be "sleeping" in a tent before their big battle with Victoria, Jacob and Edward discuss her future. The boys discuss her future. They think they know what's best for her, and Bella just lays there silently. But of course! Who needs an opinion when there are boys to decide it for you?
4. Charlie's the worst dad ever - When Bella comes home with a BROKEN HAND from punching Jacob after he assaults her, Charlie thinks it's hilarious. He even congratulates Jacob for forcing himself on his daughter. This is ... this is the 21st century, right? A YA book? For crying out loud ...
5. Bella is an empty shell - All this girl thinks about are her dead boyfriend and the hot werewolf next door. That's it. Nada. She doesn't care about school, doesn't have any hopes or dreams for the future, doesn't care what her parents have to say, has no friends, and can't even WALK on her own for large portions of the novel. I couldn't believe the amount of times that Bella, an 18-year-old woman, was carried from one place to another. When she isn't being vapid, Bella focuses on being a selfish, whiny, manipulative brat with one goal in mind - sexin' up Eddie. That's it. She essentially tells Jacob, "I love you, I do. But I love Edward more. Sorry. Hope this doesn't make your already unstable mind explode in rage. K, bye." The Cullens throw Bella a graduation party, and she whines about it the whole time. Oh, well, god forbid someone does something nice for you, Bella. Worst person ever. The only time she comes close to growing a spine is when she tells Edward that she really doesn't want to get married right out of high school because she feels too young, and Boyfriend of the Year bullies her into accepting his proposal anyway. He uses sex as a bartering tool. Sex. YA book. Not to sound like Charlie Brown or anything, but good grief!
So by the end of the book, Bella and Edward are totally still together and engaged, a heartbroken Jacob runs around the forest and cries, no one dies in the "epic" battle, and Charlie Swan still has zero control over his daughter. But looking back on this now, I realize that compared to Breaking Dawn, Eclipse is almost a walk in the park. The final book in the series doesn't just play around the rabbit hole - it plunges in head first. But that's for another review....more
Mark New Moon as the moment when Stephanie Meyer's teen vampire romance series transformed from a troubling wish-fulfillment fantasy to a disturbing hMark New Moon as the moment when Stephanie Meyer's teen vampire romance series transformed from a troubling wish-fulfillment fantasy to a disturbing hate story with SPARKLES(!). In my review of Twilight, I described the plodding, sparse plot and the bland characters. New Moon keeps up the sparse plot bit, but the characters all take a one-way ticket to Crazy-Town. They get creepier than they were in the first book, which is really saying something because Edward's always been creppy - remember his thingie for watching Bella while she sleeps.
We'll call this review When Bad Books Happen to Good Readers: New Moon Edition.
SUMMARY: It's been a few months since the events (and I use that term loosely) of Twilight, and nothing has changed. Perhaps Bella has managed to count all of the hairs on Eddie's perfect head, but that's likely all the progress she's made. Bella's experiencing a mid-life crisis at the ripe ol' age of 18 because her body is now 1 year older than Edward's. She wants him to turn into a vampire so she won't grow old (and in turn, mature, wise, or gifted with an actual personality), but Edward's all angsty about it because he thinks he's a monster. Bella sulks through a birthday party that the Cullen family cult thoughtfully throws for her, and then she gets a paper-cut and all hell breaks loose. Racked with guilt, Edward dumps Bella and disappears. Then nothing happens for 400 pages or so because Bella dies inside. Really. I think her brain actually dies in the book.
Now, I'm not much of a morality pusher, especially when it comes to fiction. I have my opinions about the characters' actions, but the opinions of others are totally left to their interpretations. Still. My humble opinion is telling me that New Moon is not a love story. It isn't even a like story. This is the story of a girl with really bad depression issues doing self-destructive things.
There are SPOILERS below! Read at your own risk!
So let's put this story into perspective. Bella has been with Edward for a couple of months, and they're in puppy love. I can understand that. But then the whole kit-and-kaboodle goes spiraling down the rabbit hole when you consider that Edward sneaks into Bella's room at night and just lays with her (no sexin' in this story). That's not cool, Eddie, and it's disrespectful to Bella's dad, who seems like a nice guy. But it gets worse. When Edward breaks it off with Bella, the girl goes catatonic. He takes her to the middle of the forest to do the deed, for some reason, and Bella just kind of wanders around until she collapses and has to be rescued. Now, what fully functioning 18-year-old can't find her way out a forest that she WALKED INTO IN THE FIRST PLACE? And in the unlikely case that she really could get lost, why doesn't she want to cut the d-bag who left her there?
After Bella is rescued from the forest, the next several pages just list the names of the months in which BELLA DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. It's a complete black-out period for our heroine. Without Edward around, Bella has NOTHING to lend to the narrative. Not only is this lazy writing (SMeyer); it's also annoyingly emo and silly. I'm left to believe that Bella is either braindead, manic depressive, or a robot. If Bella had a blog at this time, I bet she filled it with angsty one word entries like, "Sullen," "Broken," and "Tears."
Finally, Charlie Swan has enough of his sad daughter-bot and lays down the law: Go make some damn friends or you're going back to live with your mother. Reluctantly, Bella reconnects with Jacob Black, the Native American kid she played with as a kid. Jacob's going through big changes in his life. Hairy changes. Toothy changes. If you catch my drift. You don't? OK, he's turning into a werewolf. Slowly, though.
Then there are pages and pages of Bella transferring her clinginess to Jacob - following him around, getting angry when he makes new friends and starts to withdraw. At the same time, Bella makes a shocking (SHOCKING, I tell you!) discovery that she can kinda/sorta see Edward when she puts herself in danger. Cue a bunch of TSTL acts of desperation, culminating in Bella jumping off a cliff into the ocean. Suicide attempts are so romantic, I guess? Raise your hand if you're disturbed!
Eventually, Bella tracks Edward down in Italy where all the really POWERFUL vampires live and hilariously prevents him from doing his own suicide dance. It's hilarious because Edward's plan to make the big, bad vampires kill him is to go out in public and sparkle. Yes. Death by sparkling. Because the general public totally wouldn't look at him and think he's just a pasty boy wearing body glitter.
Oh, and at some point, Bella ends up in a love triangle between Jacob and Edward. Because: of course. Love triangles are the worst trope in YA fiction to date. I want them all to burn in a fire.
So after all of the pages and endless angsting, Bella and Edward are ... back in Forks. Bella still wants him to turn her into a vampire. Edward still wants her to remain human. Jacob's scampering around in the woods all heartbroken. And apparently because Edward can't resist Bella's winning charm and outgoing personality, he proposes marriage. CLIFFHANGER! Oh, how will I ever manage the suspense?
The writing was also hideous. Meyer tends to recycle words like chagrin, dazzle, beautiful, topaz, clenched, and chuckled like nobody's business. Plus, the story is all inane internal monologue and very little plot.
Delightful! I finally get to review a book I enjoyed. It felt like I was turning into one of those Internet gremlins who hate everything. But alas! I Delightful! I finally get to review a book I enjoyed. It felt like I was turning into one of those Internet gremlins who hate everything. But alas! I still have a soul. I shall reward myself with a Christmas cookie and feel very smug indeed.
First Grave on the Right is told in first-person (past tense, thank god) by Charlotte "Charley" Davidson. She's a PI / consultant for the police department / grim reaper. Dead people have to cross through her to get to Heaven once they finish their business on Earth. After three lawyers are murdered by the same gunman, Charley must use her supernatural gift to solve the crime. As if that isn't stressful enough, Charley has a dream lover (quite literally) who turns out to be a real person. And this guy may be able to answer all of the questions Charley has about what she is.
I chose this book because I wanted to read a paranormal but didn't want the paranormal to be about vampires. Blood suckers are like the Justin Beibers of the book world these days - we're so oversaturated with them. Since the grim reaper has such a ghastly reputation, I decided to give Charley a try.
Charley is the best part of this book, followed shortly behind by her Uncle Bob, who wears a rubber band around his wrist and snaps it against his skin when he gets angry. While a lot of heroines would drown in a lake of their own angst if dead people sought them out, Charley deals with her duties as the grim reaper with a cheerful and sassy demeanor. She's pretty awesome, and her smart ass tendencies are just an added bonus. Weird things have been happening to Charley since birth, but she's pretty nonchalant about it. For example, a dead guy named Mr. Wong has been standing motionless in her living room since she moved in, and she's totally okay with it. I can't say that her reaction is normal, but it's still kind of awesome.
Supporting characters like the dead lawyers and Charley's best friend Cookie, who literally can't form a coherent sentence without a cup of coffee, add a fun extra layer to the narrative. Cookie is an amazing friend to Charley. We also get to meet Charley's evil-schmevil step-mother and her oblivious dad. Seriously. The step-mom only showed up once or twice, and I wanted to smack Charley's dad for exposing her to the old dragon.
Charley's dream lover, Reyes, added a lot of mystery to the story. I'm not all that sure how he sexed her up in her dreams. Like, was he aware of it? And if so, isn't that illegal? (view spoiler)[Also, since Reyes tells her all about his identity at the end and continually shows up in her life in his corporeal form, doesn't that make him a creepster for invading her dreams before she even knew who he was? I mean, sure, Charley enjoyed the encounters. But why wasn't this addressed? If he cares so much about Charley, Reyes should be more transparent. (hide spoiler)]
The writing was the only problem I ran into while reading. Jones has a very conversational style, but sometimes Charley's inner-monologue got a little too random. At times, I just wished Charley would stop blathering and get on with the story. I'm impatient that way. The writing worked most of the time, but some of the more awkward segments kept this from being a five-star for me. (view spoiler)[That and the confusing consensual / non-consensual dream sex. (hide spoiler)]
Check out this book if you want a break from all the angst and melo-drama that plagues a lot of paranormal books these days. First Grave on the Right is a fun and fast read, and I plan to read the next book in the series soon....more
Rachel (BAVR)
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