Frank Jude's Reviews > More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

Polyamory is having a bit of a "cultural moment," and much has changed since 1997 when Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy published The Ethical Slut which may be the most popular of the (now) many books on polyamory. As Janet Hardy writes in her forward to More Than Two, "There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it" and so it shouldn't be a surprise that there are some points of disagreement between Hardy and Veaux and Rickert's views. As she goes on to say:

"Dossie and I have been described as 'big sisters' (if your big sister is a slutty kinky aging hippie); Franklin and Eve are more like 'wise neighbors' -- think of the guy on the other side of the fence on Home Improvement, calm and wise and funny. Dossie and I write primarily about the sexual aspects of poly; Franklin and Eve are more interested in the day-to-day living part. Dossie and I like to indulge ourselves, just a little, in high-flown realms of abstraction and idealism; Franklin and Eve like to keep their feet on the ground."

And that's a really good summary of why I think it's a good idea to read both books! Sex is a fun and exciting and creative part of life... but it's still just a part of life, and as Jack Kornfield points out, "After the ecstasy, the laundry." And even more so, as Judith Lasater rejoined: "After the laundry, the laundry," much more of life is the "day-to-day living part!" And Veaux and Rickert have provided, in More Than Two a profoundly detailed polyamory resource, covering the various relationship structures possible; a toolkit of qualities and skills (such as communication strategies and relationship nurturance tips; lots of nitty-gritty about that 'day-to-day living' and... yes, sexual health.

Tristan Tamorino's Opening Up which I've also reviewed here on Goodreads falls somewhere between The Ethical Slut and More Than Two. Her book reads more conversationally and just feels like a "lighter" read, but she covers much of the day-to-day stuff as well. I would say that More Than Two goes more deeply into some of the same material and is perhaps the one most emphatic about ethics, truly living up to it's sub-title: "A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory." For those who have either only read The Ethical Slut or simply imagine polyamory as nothing more than sexual profligacy, Veaux ad Rickert point out that love and relationship is the essence of polyAMORY. Not to say that they criticize recreational sex or those who participate in such play.

AND, before this review gets hijacked by any readers as was my review of Tamorino's book, Veaux clearly writes: "Being polyamorous means navigating the risk involved in having multiple partners. That risk isn't as great as many people fear, but it needs to be acknowledged, and risk-mitigation strategies are an important part of polyamory." In fact, the Journal of Sexual Medicine has published research indicating that "the overall risk of STI infection is higher in monogamous relationships involving cheating than in openly non-monogamous relationships." And the stark reality is that with serial monogamy and the high prevalence of cheating in supposedly monogamous relationships that risk is an often ignored one leading to that higher rate of infection. Our brains are quite bad at assessing risk: you are much more likely to die in a car crash yet most of us fear riding in a plane and think nothing of getting into a car. Even celibate people entering into a monogamous relationship may contract herpes or HPV as they (and many other so-called 'sexually transmitted infections') can be transmitted non-sexually.

STIs are both rarer and more ubiquitous than most people imagine. Rarer in that those most feared, like HIV, are actually much less common and much harder to get than most imagine, while the usually minor infections that cause much stigma and shame (such as herpes) are so common that 50% of the population of North America has been infected and doesn't know it!

In their closing section, titled "Last Words: Love More, Be Awesome" they remind us that "For a surprising number of problems, the solution is in fact more love. That's not always an easy thing to remember, but when I do remember, AND, more importantly connect to that love and seek ways to express and cultivate it, many problems indeed seem to resolve...I am close to say, "as if by magick."