This is one of the parenting books recommended to me by the director of my daughter's Montessori school. Though published in 2000, it is as, if not moThis is one of the parenting books recommended to me by the director of my daughter's Montessori school. Though published in 2000, it is as, if not more, important now as then -- or at any time! A caveat... there are some minor issues I have with the ethical template as I'm a bit more "libertine" then the writers of this book. However, that doesn't detract from the pragmatic advice and program outlined in this book which any parent can adapt to their own moral template.
The subtitle of this book points out that what is offered here are "Seven Building Blocks for Developing Capable Young People." It fits well with the child-centered approach of Montessori which emphasizes the autonomy of children. Four of these "building blocks" are directed to the cultivation of essential skills while three deal with critically important perceptions. This is done through a four-step model of learning that begins with experience (E), moves to identification of the significant aspects of the experience (I); followed by the rational analysis of why those aspects are signifiant (A); and ending with a generalized perception that can be applied to future experience (G). As the authors write: "Applying the EIAG process -- whether in the classroom, the home, or in counseling, or in personal relationships -- enables us to help young people personalize their life experiences and develop their perceptions."
This is a process that works because it also develops the conscious awareness of the parent! This four-step process is bolstered by understanding four "barriers" that make interactions threatening and shut down questioning, and six "building blocks" for creating a climate of support. And again, these are concepts applicable to any relationship and I am convinced that any co-parents, whether living together or not, can benefit from this strategy.
This may seem all so abstract, so let me delineate one skill. A common barrier arises when we as parents step in prematurely to take care of something for our kids that they have yet to master for themselves. Rather than becoming a "rescuer", we can be more supportive and collaborative by encouraging them to engage in exploring. This also conveys to them that we believe in their ability to gain resourcefulness by trying new things and gain knowledge and wisdom by coming to their own resolutions. Actually, in dealing with a daughter whose second or third word was "try", this was already something baked into our child-rearing.
Again, if you are looking to encourage said resourcefulness and inner-directed initiative in your children while living in a world that tends to coddle and indulge to the point of causing real dependency and weakness, this is a book that can offer you on-going support. ...more
Given that our culture has been fetishizing "feelings" for some time now, I don't know if the people who could best benefit from this book will be incGiven that our culture has been fetishizing "feelings" for some time now, I don't know if the people who could best benefit from this book will be inclined to read it, but I wish they would! Michael Bennet is a psychiatrist who has been practicing for over 40-years who shows himself to be pragmatic, acerbic, realistic, and unforgiving in his blunt advice for dealing with life's troubles... what yogis call duhkha.
I love that his very first chapter is "Fuck Self-Improvement" as I have long said that the most harmful section of books in any bookstore are those in the "Self-Help" section! As he and his daughter, Sarah Bennet, the co-writer of this tome write: "Dedication to improving yourself is admirable -- and if you're Oprah, unbelievably lucrative -- but what separates this book from your average work of Deepak Chopra is that we can tell you, up front, that being prepared to make whatever sacrifice is necessary to improve yourself doesn't mean you can do it.... Eventually, striving to improve yourself brings diminishing returns and prevents you from accepting yourself...." AMEN!
Chapter titles tell you all you need to know if this book is for you: Fuck Self-Improvment Fuck Self-Esteem Fuck Fairness (in case you haven't figured it out yet, life is no fair! Fuck Helpfulness Fuck Serenity Fuck Love Fuck Communication Fuck Parenthood Fuck Assholes Fuck Treatment
This last comes as a bit of a surprise -- though it shouldn't have given the overall thrust of this book -- but still, reading a mental health professional telling us that "treatment usually provides partial help; the rest is up to you, so you need to get as knowledgable as you can in order to decide whether more help is necessary or not." To give you a sense of their honesty and integrity, they go on to write: "Treatment happens to put food on our table, but it's rarely our first recommendation for any problem; it can be expensive and time-consuming, and if you enter it with unrealistic expectations, ineffective and even damaging." DAMN! I wish more therapists could be this frank and honest!
Get this book... it may save you not only money and time... but also a lot of unnecessary grief! ...more
Coming from Coffee House Press out of Minneapolis, Borealis is the first book commissioned for the Spatial Species series, edited by Youmna Chala and Coming from Coffee House Press out of Minneapolis, Borealis is the first book commissioned for the Spatial Species series, edited by Youmna Chala and Ken Chen. The series is meant to investigate the ways space is "activated" through language, inspired by Georges Perec's An Attempt at Exhausting a Place in Paris which interrogates themes and questions such as How do we observe where we are? How do space, memory, relationships, history, and future speculations impact or construct our experience of place? Here, non-space and non-happenings are given tender attention, showing that how and what we attend to give meaning to what is generally left unacknowledged: the edges, borders, the empty spaces in area and in time.
Eula Biss, author of On Immunity, a wonderful and expansive inquiry itself, writes, capturing the heart of this at once sprawlingly expansive and tightly contained essay: "The place Borealis takes us to is lodged within a vivid consciousness. Here, the environment is populated by memories of lovers and strangers with guns. Letters from prison arrive in this place, and confinement haunts its wide margins. The soundtrack fades in and out, art is found and made. A landscape has never felt so real to me, so like life." As she says, reading this essay is indeed "an extraordinary experience!"
This is no essay with a stated thesis, with logical argument laid out paragraph by paragraph. Indeed, at times it's much more poetic and pointillistic. At times, it's more a contemplative meditation. And at times, Sloan's wry humor breaks out and disorients, pulling the rug out from under our feet -- or perhaps more accurately, removing the filter of projection we've created. In one passage, spurred by the recollection of Sarah Pallin mentioning how close Russia is to Alaska Sloan writes: "Russia is so close to here. When Sarah Pallin said it, well, you remember that. But I dare you to go to Alaska and look at a map without saying something equally inane." AND, then the twist: "In our minds, which are collapsing, Russia can't possibly be this close. And by Russia, I mean a lot of things." Mic drop! This is just one of many passages that made me have to stop, sit, feel all that such a statement implies. Just this. Just here. Just now.
Elsewhere, she nonchalantly refers to collages she is making (when of course, the whole text is a collage... a collage of collages). Knowing Sloan, I found myself thinking, "I didn't know Aisha made figurative art work!" And I imagined how they might look. And then, with one description, she writes: "I cut out a fragment of fire at night. I spend a long time slicing thin, blue lines, then glue them into a shape like reaching out, as if they are the visual representation of someone's voice, traveling toward a patch of pink smoke, a strip of swamp." Reading, trying to image this visual, and then she ends this paragraph: "It feels important to say: a collage can sound better than it looks" and I can only laugh at the deep truth this line conveys. It's so true of so much of life...
I have the pleasure of knowing Aisha Sabatini Sloan. I met her as a student here in Tucson. She became someone I have deep respect, admiration, and love for. Her writing always transports me and changes me. I love how she sees and thinks -- or at least the part of what she sees and thinks that she's shared, and the myriad connections she draws from her experience hint at something I know as The Web of Indra, which is a deep representation of the interdependent and interpenetrating nature of reality. It is a truism that everyone reads a different book, as we all bring what we know along with our history and experience to any text. And that is even more true with a text as open as this. I am quite aware that my relationship with/to Aisha colors my reading. At one point in time, Aisha was part of a program I created (in part inspired by her and two other women in our sangha) to cultivate diverse voices and perspectives for teaching Buddha Dharma. She and the others all moved on to other pastures; Aisha has found her own way to share the Dharma. It's here to be found if you've the eyes to see it and the ears to hear it....more
George Lakoff's work on metaphor shows us the various ways we think of love and relationship; if you've ever thought to yourself, "Is this relationshiGeorge Lakoff's work on metaphor shows us the various ways we think of love and relationship; if you've ever thought to yourself, "Is this relationship going anywhere?" you were expressing a set of assumptions and expectations about relationships that for most of us go unexamined and unquestioned. The "relationship escalator" is presented by our culture as a default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships of following a progressive set of steps with specific milestones, moving toward a clear goal. This "escalator" model is THE standard by which society judges whether an intimate relationship is significant, serious, committed or simply "worthy of effort."
It's what every ROMCOM film and love story presents us: 1. Making contact (casual encounters, flirting) 2. Initiation (romantic courtship gestures) 3. Claiming & Defining (mutual declarations of love; presenting publicly as a "couple") 4. Establishment (settling into patterns for regularity of contact) 5. Commitment (explicit discussion and planning for long-term shared future as a couple) 6. Merging (moving in together, sharing household, engagement) 7. Conclusion (formal marriage or other recognized binding arrangement)
Once the escalator takes you to the top, you are expected to maintain that structure till one partner dies. Any pre-mature ending (divorce) is seen as the relationship having failed.
Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator is based upon a long-running research project that looks at "uncommon" approaches to love, life, and relationship. This includes various forms of ethical consensual nonmonogamy as well as long-distance relationships, the friend-lover spectrum, maintaining separate living spaces, asexual and aromantic intimate relationships, intentional celibacy, flexible relationships and the deeply liberating understanding of "Making Free, Conscious Relationship Choices" which may certainly include the choice of long-term, committed monogamous relationships!
Anyone interested in simply bringing more consciousness, more deliberation, freedom and choice into their relationship could benefit from reading this book. Even the Glossary and Resources are of great value.
Ultimately, her quote from one participant in her research succinctly summarizes the value of such "awareness, acceptance, and appreciation" of all kinds of diversity, "not only for individuals and their relationships, but for society and the world":
"...I think one of the core things that makes us suffer is the assumption that if someone does something different from what you're doing, then that means they're criticizing you....
I hope anyone who is learning about unconventional relationships, for any reason, understands that you don't have to judge anyone's relationship as right or wrong. You don't have to agree with what they're doing, and you don't have to change what you're doing.
Most people who have unconventional relationships are not claiming that traditional relationships lack value. I think they're just advocating choice."...more
Years ago, my first yoga teacher told me that the real yoga is in relationship. And as I've grown older, that has become ever more clear. Even when noYears ago, my first yoga teacher told me that the real yoga is in relationship. And as I've grown older, that has become ever more clear. Even when not foregrounded, the practice of meditation, which can certainly be seen as a solitary endeavor, when practiced in a sangha, is the practice of sitting alone together. And sitting together, alone. The relationship is there, but until the practice of Insight Meditation, it was never so centrally situated and engaged with in what can be a truly intimate and transformative practice.
I will say that I did experience something of this in my time with Thich Nhat Hanh's Order, as sitting in small groups, in a non-hierarchical circle, practicing deep listening and deep speech has some of the same flavor of what Gregory Kramer presents in this book and in this practice he offers.
Kramer's practice is thoroughly grounded in satipatthana, so it's not simply the "bare attention" that so many contemporary teachers are offering as "mindfulness." What he has done is bring forth some themes from the practice of satipatthana as grist for contemplation and discussion, allowing for a deep interpenetration of intra-personal and inter-personal.
Coming from a patriarchal, monastic tradition, Insight Meditation offers a practice that can hold great promise for us householders living in the world, where relationships offer both the nurturance of our greatest joys and our deepest suffering. I think any and every sangha would benefit from adding Insight Meditation to it's group practice....more
The subtitle of this book says it all as it is truly a "hands on guide" in that there is a wealth of workbook type exercises from "What Does My DesireThe subtitle of this book says it all as it is truly a "hands on guide" in that there is a wealth of workbook type exercises from "What Does My Desire Look Like?" and "What Am I Committing To?" all the way through to "Prep Sheet For Touch Conversations" and "Preparing For Deaths"!
And of course, Powell offers common sense advice and education on every facet of relationships from developing healthy boundaries to managing risk and solid communication skills. While there are whole sections (as you would expect) on "Special Non-Monogamy Situations", the truth is that relationships of all types benefit from the advice given because in all relationships we deal with assumptions, anxieties, and miscommunication. This is something that has become quite clear in reading books on non-monogamy: the skills and processes that are essential for successful non-monogamous relationships are pretty much the same as necessary for monogamous relationships! So, this is a book I can recommend to anyone in relationship or "between relationships" as you prepare for what comes next!...more
I was surprised to see that the copyright for this book is 2002 because outside of just a few books published in the early 2000's most of the resourceI was surprised to see that the copyright for this book is 2002 because outside of just a few books published in the early 2000's most of the resources listed are from the 90s and even earlier. In fact, the only negative thing I have to say about this book is that it does seem a bit dated in certain of the discussions Joe Kelly dives into. That said, it is still a valuable resource and guidebook for dads who want to really take fathering seriously in a culture that downplays and even denigrates fathers.
Much psychological and sociological study has shown that fathers have an enormous influence on daughters for both good and bad. We dads are the first men in our daughter's lives and that sets a template that will affect their relationships with men (both at work as well as in romance) for the rest of their life.
One of the more profound topics Kelly rises is how women are portrayed in media and how that affects how men relate to women: "The predominance of those messages limits our ability to naturally see women (including our daughters) as full people with whom we can connect and have rich relationships. It distorts how other males look at our daughters. Seeing women as things, as opposed to people, opens the way for many men to be violent and abusive to women. We can't have rich relationships with objects, and it's hard to use violence on someone we respect."
He adds this insight as to how men are negatively impacted by this objectification of women: "Simply put, we men pay too high a price for the objectification of women. The way our culture views women warps what we expect from men. And it distorts the way we see ourselves as men."
Another important topic revolves around touch, both so necessary and healing and so fraught with anxiety in our culture, not unrelated to the above passage! The chapter related to this, "We're All Suspects: The Touch Taboo Between Dads and Daughters" is painful to read but offers respectful advice and things to keep in the forefront of our minds.
So, I found this book really thought-provoking, leading to some real introspection and insight, so I recommend this to any dad who really want to be the best dad they can be for their daughters....more
Sophie Lucido Johnson has written an entertaining and very personal memoir of her life journey from serial monogamy to married polyamory. I hope I've Sophie Lucido Johnson has written an entertaining and very personal memoir of her life journey from serial monogamy to married polyamory. I hope I've not ruined it for you because a marriage proposal was not what I was expecting. And for those who mistakenly think polyamory is all about sex it's telling that it's not from several chapters that sex enters into Johnson's narrative. What's intriguing is that it was the intensity of her emotional feelings for several of her women friends that led to her questioning what love and friendship were or could be. Wanting to prioritize her relationships with her women friends was as instrumental in her moving toward polyamory than any specific desire for more freedom and autonomy that conventional relationships allow.
This is not a "how to" do polyamory; as she makes abundantly clear, while there's only one rule and structure for monogamous relationships ("I love you, you love me, and we're not allowed to be with anyone else") polyamorous relationships are each structured by and for the people participating in them. As Dan Savage puts it: "No two polyamorous relationships are alike."
That said, she's definitely done her research (5 pages long bibliography and the text is punctuated by many footnotes. She also begins her memoir with a FAQ section that provides definitions and offers information on the cultural history of polyamory, while responding to some of the most often held misperceptions.
There is much to love about All About Love by bell hooks. There are so many 'stop-reread and ponder' passages that I found myself purposefully slowingThere is much to love about All About Love by bell hooks. There are so many 'stop-reread and ponder' passages that I found myself purposefully slowing down my reading. Taking bits at a time in order to fully digest the nourishment she offers... And make no mistake, this book -- an extended contemplation on the many facets of love -- is a very nourishing read.
hooks examines the varied facets under thematic headings such as "Grace," "Clarity," "Justice," "Commitment" "Community" and "Romance." She writes very personally and broadly, showing how often the most personal about us is the most universal. The only reason I have given this book 4 instead of 5 stars is that her Christian upbringing and background led to some abrasive passages. I felt that some of these passages even felt 'forced' to some degree. But I'm also willing to say this may just be me unwilling -- or unable -- to follow her into angelic beliefs about destiny. ...more
Polyamory is having a bit of a "cultural moment," and much has changed since 1997 when Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy published The Ethical Slut which Polyamory is having a bit of a "cultural moment," and much has changed since 1997 when Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy published The Ethical Slut which may be the most popular of the (now) many books on polyamory. As Janet Hardy writes in her forward to More Than Two, "There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it" and so it shouldn't be a surprise that there are some points of disagreement between Hardy and Veaux and Rickert's views. As she goes on to say:
"Dossie and I have been described as 'big sisters' (if your big sister is a slutty kinky aging hippie); Franklin and Eve are more like 'wise neighbors' -- think of the guy on the other side of the fence on Home Improvement, calm and wise and funny. Dossie and I write primarily about the sexual aspects of poly; Franklin and Eve are more interested in the day-to-day living part. Dossie and I like to indulge ourselves, just a little, in high-flown realms of abstraction and idealism; Franklin and Eve like to keep their feet on the ground."
And that's a really good summary of why I think it's a good idea to read both books! Sex is a fun and exciting and creative part of life... but it's still just a part of life, and as Jack Kornfield points out, "After the ecstasy, the laundry." And even more so, as Judith Lasater rejoined: "After the laundry, the laundry," much more of life is the "day-to-day living part!" And Veaux and Rickert have provided, in More Than Two a profoundly detailed polyamory resource, covering the various relationship structures possible; a toolkit of qualities and skills (such as communication strategies and relationship nurturance tips; lots of nitty-gritty about that 'day-to-day living' and... yes, sexual health.
Tristan Tamorino's Opening Up which I've also reviewed here on Goodreads falls somewhere between The Ethical Slut and More Than Two. Her book reads more conversationally and just feels like a "lighter" read, but she covers much of the day-to-day stuff as well. I would say that More Than Two goes more deeply into some of the same material and is perhaps the one most emphatic about ethics, truly living up to it's sub-title: "A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory." For those who have either only read The Ethical Slut or simply imagine polyamory as nothing more than sexual profligacy, Veaux ad Rickert point out that love and relationship is the essence of polyAMORY. Not to say that they criticize recreational sex or those who participate in such play.
AND, before this review gets hijacked by any readers as was my review of Tamorino's book, Veaux clearly writes: "Being polyamorous means navigating the risk involved in having multiple partners. That risk isn't as great as many people fear, but it needs to be acknowledged, and risk-mitigation strategies are an important part of polyamory." In fact, the Journal of Sexual Medicine has published research indicating that "the overall risk of STI infection is higher in monogamous relationships involving cheating than in openly non-monogamous relationships." And the stark reality is that with serial monogamy and the high prevalence of cheating in supposedly monogamous relationships that risk is an often ignored one leading to that higher rate of infection. Our brains are quite bad at assessing risk: you are much more likely to die in a car crash yet most of us fear riding in a plane and think nothing of getting into a car. Even celibate people entering into a monogamous relationship may contract herpes or HPV as they (and many other so-called 'sexually transmitted infections') can be transmitted non-sexually.
STIs are both rarer and more ubiquitous than most people imagine. Rarer in that those most feared, like HIV, are actually much less common and much harder to get than most imagine, while the usually minor infections that cause much stigma and shame (such as herpes) are so common that 50% of the population of North America has been infected and doesn't know it!
In their closing section, titled "Last Words: Love More, Be Awesome" they remind us that "For a surprising number of problems, the solution is in fact more love. That's not always an easy thing to remember, but when I do remember, AND, more importantly connect to that love and seek ways to express and cultivate it, many problems indeed seem to resolve...I am close to say, "as if by magick."...more
I've read and enjoyed the work of author, editor, sex educator, feminist, film producer and director Tristan Taormino since her first columns writing I've read and enjoyed the work of author, editor, sex educator, feminist, film producer and director Tristan Taormino since her first columns writing for The Village Voice. Her books include The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women; True Lust: Adventures in Sex, Porn and Perversion; The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure; and Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica.
In Opening Up: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships Taormino offers a balanced, pragmatic and realistic survey of nonmonogamy in many of its myriad forms. Section One: "Choosing An Open Relationship" offers a brief history of nonmonogamy, followed by chapters that expose myths about open relationships as well as an insightful exploration of the kind of questions one needs to ask oneself to help determine if open relationship is for you and what makes such relationships work. HINT; Pretty much the same things that make any relationship work. You know, things like consent, communication, honesty, boundaries, fidelity and commitment. If you find that puzzling, see Chapter Two: "Myths about Nonmonogamy."
In Section Two, Taomorino details the various styles of open relationships from Swinging and Partnered Nonmonogamy to Polyamory and Polyfidelity and even a chapter on Mono/Poly and Monogamous/Nonmonogamous relationships. Each chapter begins with a definition, followed by a survey of various attitudes and beliefs, potential issues and conflicts, as well as benefits of the various structures. For instance, in the chapter on Polyamory, she reviews Hierarchical Poly, Nonhierarchical Poly, and even Nonsexual Poly Relationships. Again, if that seems puzzling, note that it is poly-amory and not poly-sex. Each chapter has stories from among the almost 200 people she interviewed for this book, and here in this section she writes about several married couples, including one where the man had come out as gay, where the love, emotional intimacy and camaraderie remain strong, but the relationship is nonsexual. Polyamory offers the alternative to divorce that heteronormative, monogamous culture offers such couples: they remain married and have other partners with whom their sexual needs can be fulfilled.
Finally, what makes Opening Up such a useful resource and guide is Section Three: "Creating and Sustaining Your Relationships" which covers such issues as how to structure the kind of relationship(s) you desire including the purpose of a relationship contract; dealing with strong feelings; compersion, coming out -- or not -- and finding and building community; raising children, safer sex practices and legal and practical issues.
Finally, the Resource Guide at the end of the book lists many relevant books, conferences, online groups, websites, local, regional and national organizations and poly-friendly professionals.
This is not a book only for those sure they wish to embark on opening up their relationships; it's also a valuable resource for those of us who know and love those who live nonmonogamously....more
What can I possibly say about a classic such as this? I've taken up the "project" to re-read all of Austen's novels, starting with this, her first. ReWhat can I possibly say about a classic such as this? I've taken up the "project" to re-read all of Austen's novels, starting with this, her first. Re-reading it today, the social critique embedded in the novel seems stronger to me than when I first read it decades ago. The sometimes wonderfully snarky jibes of the narrator in discussing some of the characters (the whole bit where Fanny turns her husband from keeping his promise to his father to economically support his step-mother and sisters is almost Monty Python-esque!).
With age, I've also come to see that it's way too simplistic to say Elinor epitomizes "sense" and Marianne "sensibility". (For those who may read this review but are not aware, at the time Austen was writing, "sense" refers to good judgment, wise reserve, discernment, and rationality while "sensibility" meant sensitivity, emotionality, and perhaps a lack of reserve). Elinor is certainly the more "sensible" but it's clear she feels strongly under the patina of reserve and Marianne, while quite sensitive and emotional is not without wisdom. In fact, these two sisters often seem the only characters with any real intelligence!
The novel serves a feminist critique of patriarchy and no male character really comes across all that well, including Edward whose history quite parallels the more obvious "heel", Willoughby. It's an overall sombre book and amazes me that a young woman some time between her 19th and 21st year could write with such perspicacity. It wasn't until 15 years later that the book saw publication in 1811 and has never been out of print since, deservedly a true classic. ...more
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