luciana's Reviews > Dark Lover

"Wanna ride?' another prostitute said, shaking her ass like it was a can of paint."



I'M BEWILDERED. LITERALLY ASTONISHED. HOW CAN A BOOK THIS BAD BE SO WIDELY POPULAR ON GOODREADS? WHY IS NO ONE COMPLAINING?

For those who haven't read this book, let me catch you up on the synopsis: some random cunt, with a basic name I can't remember, lives in some old town. She works a dull desk job--she's a journalist, I think? (I dunno. It's not important.) And she mostly spends her time at the police station. (Why? That we will never know.) Then her vampire daddy dies just as she's about to transform into a vampire herself. Oh no! So a new vampire daddy comes around to save the day! It doesn't matter that he's like 300 years older and that it's never addressed because he's sexy. Mmmm, yum yum in my tum tum. The second they meet, naturally, the pair fuck and get married 2 days later. Voila.




"He looked like the king he was by birthright and the soldier he'd become by destiny."



HOW TO WRITE A 2005 ROMANCE BOOK:


-Mention blackberry phones and Ludacris, temporal legends of the era: "(BABY, BABY, BABY, OOOOH. THOUGHT YOU'D aLWAys BE mINEEE. WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN, I HAD MY FIRST LOOOOVE.) "the pounding beat of Ludacris."

-Have some Motley Crew, leather wearing, long-haired, alpha male who always walks like he's got a hard-on.

-Add a bland Main Cunt who's incredibly attractive but who doesn't do anything. (God forbid she actually tried to be attractive. Gosh...no. Imagine? What a whore she'd be if she did.)


-Add another cunt who was totally there first but who, for some reason, doesn't have the right to ask Nikkie Sixx to commit even though THEY'RE MARRIED.


-Make the sex hot garbage because, God forbid, there's one enjoyable thing in this book. It is so vanilla and hardly ever described. All they do is horizontal and missionary. How imaginative! You're fucking VAMPIRES. I want some True Blood shit, come on! But, of course, our MC loves missionary and reversed cow-girl only. She's such a good girl; she wouldn't know how to do anything else! (At least they don't use condoms because they're vampires and can't get STDs! Man, honestly, I didn't see that coming. What a way to spice it up!)



-Make them get married right after they meet and write with the aim of making every lonely girl feel like the solution to all her problems is a sexist dude with anger issues + a superiority complex to 'fuck them right.' (YAY, FEMINISM!)

-Oh no! You've only written 200 pages of hot, garbage romance...What do we do what do we do!! I KNOW. Let's add Professor X into the mix and add some plot about vampire slayers! (Also the dude is literally named X and it stands for Xavier so I'm not making this up.)



On a real note though, I think everyone is forgetting that the main love interest is committed to another woman, even if it wasn't a sexual connection they were sort of married by vampire standards. And during that marriage, he runs off to our MC and we're supposed to root for the main couple when he's basically cheating on his partner. To those who disagree because the nature of their relationship isn't sexual; I'd say this, Wraith knew what the woman was feeling for him; he knew what he was doing to her; he knew that he was caging her and playing with her. Just because their union was an unhappy one doesn't mean that it shouldn't be acknowledged.



If you feel like this is just another party-pooper cunt (aka me) hating on something everyone loves for the fun of it, you're right. I do hate this book and everything it represents with a burning passion.

Thanks for coming to my tedtalk :) I hope you enjoyed the negativity.