Zoe's Reviews > New Moon

You know what I do when I’m feeling bad?
I think at least I’m not Bella Swan

Welcome to part two of why the Twilight series should die in a dumpster fire.

You know what I did today?
I didn’t watch Twilight…..thank god
I didn’t want to lose any more brain cells
But I thought why not enlighten all of you to my opinion of the Twilight series so here we are again.

And as last time we are going to be referring as the characters as

Edward: Mr Light Bulb. Because apparently vampires sparkle in the sun now instead of burning?
Bella: Little Miss Dumb: Because well aparently someone who wants you for your blood is attractive? Hmnh, I don’t think so.
Jacob: Fuzz balls: I don’t think I need to explain.

This review will have major spoilers for this and the rest of the series so you have been warned. Also there will be swearing.

Shall we take a look at what the back of my New Moon book says?

FOR BELLA SWAN THERE IS ONE THING more important than life itself: Edward Cullen. But being in love with a vampire is even more dangerous than Bella could ever have imagined. Edward has already rescued Bella from the clutches of one evil vampire, but now, as their daring relationship threatens all that is near and dear to them, they realize their troubles may be just beginning....

Here, ladies and gentleman, we have the amazing writing skills of Stephanie Meyer.

Honestly AFTER A MONTH OR SO MR LIGHT BULB IS THE ‘BEST THING IN HER LIFE?!?’
YESS 111 I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT A CRIME

Oh my god I did not think the most dumb girl ever can get any more dumber but here we have this book 600 pages of Bella having no brain cells.

BUT SOMEEEHOW SHE BECAME SO DUMB WORDS CANNOT DESRCIBE.

Oh dear, where do I even start?

SO FIRST MR LIGHT BULB LEAVE BECAUSE HE THINKS IT WILL BE BETTER FOR HER BECAUSE THEY ARE VAMPIRES AND WILL KILL HER AT ANY SECOND.

So apparently now Miss Dumb has crippling depression because her Vampire boyfriend has left her *takes a deep breath* I’m so all she does is sit there for a good four months thinking over how much she loved and adored the person I want to kill her. But then suddenly she had an accident and she heard Light Bulbs' beautifully soothing voice. *vomits*
In reality his voice is just the same as every other teenage boy no wait no teenage boy AN 100 YEAR OLD MAN.

So now she does crazy shit to hear his voice LIKE JUMPING OFF A DAMN CLIFF. And then of course Mr Fuzz Balls is there to save her every single time because he’s Mr nice guy but NO Bella can’t go for Mr nice guy she has to go for the guy who WANTS TO KILL HER. *takes another deep breath*

AND THEN THE VISION VAMP has a vision Bella committing suicide basically and told Loght Blub and now Light Bulb distraught because the LOVE OF HIS LIFE ,now let’s not forget that he left her, is now dead in his eyes. So now he goes to the vampire government that all look like babies. AND ASKS THEM TO KILL HIM BECAUSE HE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT MISS DUMB.
Let’s take this moment to remember that YOU LEFT HER!!!!!!!

And ofc the baby vamp government says NO you cannot kill yourself because some girl died! AND THEY HAVE A GOOD REASON.

AND SO THE ONLY LOGICAL STEP TO DO NEXT IS TO GO OUT INTO THE SUNLIGHT AND ✨SPARKLE✨
but OK WAIT MISS DUMB HAS COME TO SAVE HIM!
CUE THE DRAMATIC MUSIC 🎵

AND THEN BAMB MISS DUMB IS THERE TO SAVE HIM AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. NOT.
ANOTHER THREE BOOKS OF THIS SHIT!

and then the baby vamp government are like ‘she can live but she needs to become a vampire’
and Light Bulb is like NO I LIKE IT WHEN I WANT TO EAT HER AS A SNACK
So they leave and Miss Dumb is like LETS TAKE A POLL TO SEE IF I SHOULD BE IMMORTAL!
AND THEN OH WAIT HER BOYFRIEND DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE LIKE HIM.
and wait there more: the book ends when Light Bulbs like I WILL BITE YOU IF U MARRY ME.
LIKE HOLD UP SHE'S ONLY 18 AND YOUR AN 100 YEAR OLD VIRGIN IN A TEENAGERS BODY. ILLEGAL


Little Miss Dumb::
She is much dumber than last time I checked. I think she will be continuing to lose brain cells.

Mr Light Bulb:
A 100 year old man in a teenager's body after a teenage HUMAN girl because none of the female vamps wanted him. UNDERSTANDABLE.


Mr Fuzz balls::
IM SO SAD THAT BELLA DIDN’T CHOSE JACOB BECAUSE HE WAS THERE FOR HER AND SHE WAS LIKE ‘NAH I'LL GO FOR THE KILLING MACHINE’


So overall this book is dumber than Miss Dumb and Light Bulb is a child predator.

P.S this is a five part series where me and one of my best friends reviews all the Twilight books.

Thank you for reading my rant
*bows*

My review of Twilight

my review of New Moon

my review of Eclipse

my review of Breaking Dawn