Best. State. Ever. Quotes

“Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“Yes, but in this case, the fatality was a shark. The tractor-trailer was carrying four sharks from the Florida Keys to an aquarium in Coney Island in New York City and one of the sharks was ejected during the crash. Fortunately, it didn’t hit anybody, but the fact remains that there was, briefly, an airborne shark on Interstate 95, and it could have hit a car, which would have been tragic, by which I mean pretty funny.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“Florida has become The Joke State, the state everybody makes fun of. If states were characters on Seinfeld, Florida would be Kramer: Every time it appears, the audience automatically laughs, knowing it’s going to do some idiot thing.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“Fort Lauderdale is sometimes called The Venice of America by people who clearly have never been to Venice.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“He could be a testosterone donor.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“In some other state, a person might say to himself, "I believe I shall pose as Superman by the side of the road!" But in Florida, that person is also going to say, "But first, I shall remove my pants!”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“Or they laughed at Indiana, because the people there proudly call themselves Hoosiers even though they have no idea what Hoosier means.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“On the one hand, the national consensus is that Florida is a stupid weird insane dysfunctional hellhole that is also—I forgot to mention this earlier—a hurricane zone that is soon going to be largely submerged when global climate change causes the seas to rise to the point where vast herds of lobsters roam what is now Interstate 95. On the other hand, people keep coming here. And most of them—even the non-stupid ones—decide to stay here.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“To begin with, sponges are not plants. They are multi-celled animals, although they have no mouths, internal organs, brains or nervous systems. They cannot move, but they can reproduce, eat, grow and obtain Florida driver's licenses.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“The only ray of economic hope during the thirties was the growth of Florida’s tourism industry, which was boosted by the construction of such “only in Florida” attractions as Alligator World, Alligator Land, Alligator Swamp, Alligator Jungle, Alligator Jamboree, Alligator Rodeo, Alligato-Rama and Alligators Out the Wazoo.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“Mainly what manatees do, in my experience,18 is eat and fart. They are the adolescent boys of the marine world.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

“I am a huge fan of females as a gender, but they tend to display a baffling lack of enthusiasm for violent destruction.”
― Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland